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Red Dwarf Quotes

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By *oman wanted OP   Couple
over a year ago

Cheshire/Liverpool/Manchester

I think we’re losing sight of the real issue here, which is: what are we going to call ourselves? I think it comes down to a choice between ‘The League Against Salivating Monsters’ or my own personal preference, which is ‘The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society’. One drawback with that: the abbreviation is c.l.i.t.o.r.i.s.” – Rimmer

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By *iss SJWoman
over a year ago

Hull

Smeghead

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Triple fried egg sandwhich with chilli sauce and chutney.

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By *oman wanted OP   Couple
over a year ago

Cheshire/Liverpool/Manchester

I hate your guitar. If I wanted to share a cell with an irritating lump of wood, I’d have moved in with an Australian soap star – Rimmer

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Smoke me a kipper i'll be back for breakfast

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By *SAchickWoman
over a year ago

Hillside desolate

Cat: All in all, a 100 per cent successful trip

Kryten: But, sir, we lost Mr Rimmer!

Cat: All in all, a 100 per cent successful trip…

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes Dave everybody’s dead Dave...

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By *r and mrs 1992Couple
over a year ago

Oldham

"JOZYXQE" cat, let see who knows that one haha

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By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

Dwayne dibbley !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Snow white ya bastard whos opened the red paint while i was sleeping

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

I'm gonna get ya little fishy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Holly: I am Holly, the ship’s computer, with an IQ of 6000; the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.

Or simply;

“Let’s get out there and twat it !”

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Sound red alert

Do you think we really need to

Yes

I've got to change the bulb

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

So what is it ..

It's a white dwarf sir

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The sample from the beginning of this is my favourite

https://youtu.be/8l6vTw97QWs

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By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

Dwayne Dibbly...

I've got plasters, an animal footprint chart, a thermos, and one triple thick condom...well, you never know!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Yes Dave everybody’s dead Dave..."

Dead. They’re ALL dead Dave.

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend


"So what is it ..

It's a white dwarf sir"

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By *VineMan
over a year ago

The right place

I'm so gorgeous, there's a six month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear, every time I am near!" - Cat,

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Emergency....There's an emergency going on.....it's still going on.

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend


"So what is it ..

It's a white dwarf sir"

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By *edkent69Man
over a year ago

maidstone

We are talking April, May, June, July and August fool

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By *eep.Man
over a year ago

Just a background character

"Would anybody like some toast?"

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend


"So what is it ..

It's a white hole

sir"

(who noticed my mistake)

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By *imandHerNottsCouple
over a year ago

North Notts

Has anybody got a popadom the size of Lake Michigan?

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By *eep.Man
over a year ago

Just a background character


"So what is it ..

It's a white hole

sir(who noticed my mistake)"

Didn't like to say cos you were doing such a grand job of spewing time into space

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By *edkent69Man
over a year ago

maidstone

Course, women will have to be banned from playing the cello

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Open communication channels.

Broadcast on all known frequencies and in all known languages, including Welsh.

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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago

Craggy Island

We'd better get a job. But what jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom?

- Rimmer, Backwards

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend


"So what is it ..

"

Only joking

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By *oman wanted OP   Couple
over a year ago

Cheshire/Liverpool/Manchester

Rimmer: I used to be with the Samaritans.

Lister: I know. For one morning.

Rimmer: Well I couldn’t take any more.

Lister: I don’t blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn’t mind but one was a wrong number. He only phoned up for the cricket scores.

Rimmer: It’s hardly my fault everyone chose that particular day to throw themselves off buildings. It made the papers, you know

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By *edkent69Man
over a year ago

maidstone


"Rimmer: I used to be with the Samaritans.

Lister: I know. For one morning.

Rimmer: Well I couldn’t take any more.

Lister: I don’t blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn’t mind but one was a wrong number. He only phoned up for the cricket scores.

Rimmer: It’s hardly my fault everyone chose that particular day to throw themselves off buildings. It made the papers, you know"

Lemming Sunday, they called it

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By *andonmessMan
over a year ago

A world all of his own

I wouldn't trust you to open a can of sardines that was already open.

And the moral of the story; appreciate what you've got. Because basically, I'm fantastic!

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By *oman wanted OP   Couple
over a year ago

Cheshire/Liverpool/Manchester

Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle! Many wurlitzers are missing from my database. Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat: this is not a daffodil – Holly

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By *ax1971Man
over a year ago

St helens

“I tell you one thing. I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets, and I've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle." Lister, Demons and Angels

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By *amlee7986Couple
over a year ago

nottingham

Well, the thing about a black hole, its main distinguishing feature, is it's black. And the thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour, is black. So how are you supposed to see them?

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By *amlee7986Couple
over a year ago

nottingham

But where do all the calculators go?

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By *inzi LTV/TS
over a year ago

The Garden of Eden in Beautiful North Wales

Mmmm, Something smells good....

It's meee!

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By *oby le roneMan
over a year ago

Treorchy


""JOZYXQE" cat, let see who knows that one haha"

It's the sound you make when you trap your sexual organs in something

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By *ax1971Man
over a year ago

St helens


"But where do all the calculators go? "

They just go....

There is noi cilicon heaven....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Rimmer: “Step up to Red Alert.”

Kryten: “Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Gazpacho soooooouuuup!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle! Many wurlitzers are missing from my database. Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat: this is not a daffodil.” – Holly

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By *edkent69Man
over a year ago

maidstone

They've got less meat on them than a chicken mcnugget!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I could go with Betty - but I'd be thinking of Wilma

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Rimmer, in response to the aforementioned "terrifying organism" on board the ship...

"Call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and hit it fast with a major - and I mean major - leaflet campaign."

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend


"So what is it ..

"

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

I am taaka Dahl

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By *ast_And_CuriousMan
over a year ago

Sevenoaks

Toaster: Howdy doodly do. How's it going? I'm Talkie, Talkie Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion. Talkie's the name, toasting's the game. Anyone like any toast?

Lister: Look, I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast.

Toaster: How 'bout a muffin?

Lister: Or muffins. Or muffins. We don't like muffins around here. We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns and definitely no smegging flapjacks.

Toaster: Ahh, so you're a waffle man!

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By *errynjuneCouple
over a year ago

Barnsley

Before I post I may not spell her name correctly.

My name is Doctor Hildagard Langstrum and I am quite quite made.I have question for you, what is dead dead dead and dead all over.

Fave programme of all time lol.

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By *errynjuneCouple
over a year ago

Barnsley

Mad not made.xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Change of plan leg it.........

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By *edkent69Man
over a year ago

maidstone

Rimmer: "Mr. Flibble's very cross. What are we going to do with them Mr. Flibble?"

(...)

Rimmer: "We can't possibly do that! Who'd clear up the mess?"

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By *veready69Man
over a year ago

PLYMOUTH

Kerchunk. Hernunga. Rtut. Squalookle....

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By *..TheCurvyPetrolHead...Woman
over a year ago

St Helens

Lister to Rimmer: "Your nickname was never Ace. Maybe Ace Hole!"

How come I have only spotted this thread? I went to the convention in 2013 and got my pic taken wearing an Ace Rimmer shirt standing next to Chris Barrie. He signed it aswell.

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By *_am_BobMan
over a year ago

South Kent

Cat: This is mine, and this is mine and all of this is mine. Except that bit. I don't want that bit! But all of the rest of this is mine!

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By *ax1971Man
over a year ago

St helens


"Lister to Rimmer: "Your nickname was never Ace. Maybe Ace Hole!"

How come I have only spotted this thread? I went to the convention in 2013 and got my pic taken wearing an Ace Rimmer shirt standing next to Chris Barrie. He signed it aswell. "

... lol.... your such a smmeeggggg heaaaaddddddd....xx

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By *edkent69Man
over a year ago

maidstone

Today's fish is trout á la creme

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By *arie79Woman
over a year ago

Stornoway

Over the years I've come to regard you as...people I met.

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By *oman wanted OP   Couple
over a year ago

Cheshire/Liverpool/Manchester

Rimmer [on owing 8500 in tax]: What? This is wrong! This is dead wrong!

Lister: It doesn't matter now. Not gonna catch you now, are they?

Rimmer: Just because we're three million years into deep space and the human species is extinct? That means nothing to these people. They'll find us.

Rimmer and Lister

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By *.nottsbloke..Man
over a year ago

the vale

We are so micky mouse.

We ain't even Betty boo

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Over the years I've come to regard you as...people I met."

That's a great quote

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By *entaur_UKMan
over a year ago

Cannock

Rimmer .... if there's one thing I can't stand it's crazy people.

Lister....ok we've past the test now Rimmer, you can let us out.

Rimmer....I can't let you out.

Lister...why not?

Rimmer. ...because the king of the potatoe people won't let me. I begged him. I went down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here. Keep you here for 10 years.

Cat.....Can we see him?

Rimmer....see who?

Cat.....The king.

Rimmer....do you have a magic carpet?

Lister....yeah, a little 3 seater.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The Cat: [bursting in on Rimmer and Lister's heart-to-heart talk about their dead fathers] Hey, there you are! Hey, man, I'm so hungry I just have to eat!

Lister: Shh! Rimmer's dad's died.

The Cat: Well, I'd prefer chicken.

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By *veready69Man
over a year ago

PLYMOUTH

Its......the bolivian navy on manouvers in the South Pacific!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Higher Cat:

We find clothes to be a distraction from the pursuit of spiritual and intellectual fulfillment.

Cat:

Really? I find spiritual and intellectual fulfillment to be a distraction from the pursuit of clothes.

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By *veready69Man
over a year ago

PLYMOUTH


"I am taaka Dahl"

Isn't that right Bindhi Bhaji.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Of course. .lager! The only thing that can kill a vindaloo!

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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago

Craggy Island

34124. 'No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity.'

A space core directive

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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago

Craggy Island

Kryten: “The poor sucker must have written it using a combination of his own blood, and even his own intestines.”

Rimmer: “But who would do that?”

Lister: “Someone who badly needed a pen.”

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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago

Craggy Island

But this one is my absolute fave

Rimmer: “Step up to Red Alert.”

Kryten: “Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.”

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By *edkent69Man
over a year ago

maidstone

Holly: They're from Earth.

Lister: That's 3 million years away.

Holly: They're from the Norweb Federation.

Lister: What's that?

Holly: The North Western Electricity Board. They want you, Dave.

Lister: Me? Why? What for?

Holly: For your crimes against humanity.

Lister: You what?

Holly: It seems when you left Earth, 3 million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen. Do you know what happens to sausages left unattended for 3 million years?

Lister: Yeah, they go mouldy.

Holly: Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eights of the Earth's surface. Also, you left £17.50 in your bank account. Thanks to compound interest, you now own 98% of all the world's wealth. And because you've hoarded it for 3 million years, nobody's got any money except for you and Norweb.

Lister: Why Norweb?

Holly: You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand here for £180 billion.

Lister: £180 billion? You're kidding?

Holly: April fool.

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