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more .. jokes again

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By *ngie-baby OP   Woman
over a year ago

huntingdonish

My wife made the allegation

"I think you've had an affair with that Welsh tart, from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch".

I said, "How can you say such a thing?"

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

I met an old school friend the other day, got chatting as you do. He asked if i had any family.

"Yep, three" i said, "one of each."

"huh," he said?

"Yep, one boy, one girl, one hairdresser" i replied.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ngie-baby OP   Woman
over a year ago

huntingdonish

Bought some Sainsbury sausages yesterday,there's a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front, on the back it says "prick with a fork" ..Cant argue with that!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *obletonMan
over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling shit, show us your pissing piano."

"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".

"Know it," the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was walking the dog earlier when the old dear from over the road shouted "I hope your gonna pick that shit up" 'calm down luv' I replied 'let me finish wiping my ass'!

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By *ess von teaseWoman
over a year ago

perth

what you call a gull that flys over the bay............

a baygull

my kid told me that.i love it lol x

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By *ess von teaseWoman
over a year ago

perth

has any one ever been to a duck do?

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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

My wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. You should've seen her face when I came home d*unk.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"has any one ever been to a duck do?"
Go on then, I will play along lol

WHATS A DUCK DO?

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By *ngie-baby OP   Woman
over a year ago

huntingdonish


"has any one ever been to a duck do?Go on then, I will play along lol

WHATS A DUCK DO?"

quack ???

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By *ess von teaseWoman
over a year ago

perth

quack quack :D

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By *ess von teaseWoman
over a year ago

perth

[Removed by poster at 30/11/11 21:48:47]

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By *ngie-baby OP   Woman
over a year ago

huntingdonish

awwww ... i got it wrong .... i missed out a quack

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By *ess von teaseWoman
over a year ago

perth

see!! i thought that was funny.and the amount of people iv tricked with it.you lot are just too god damn smart!!leaves the room in a huffxx

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *obletonMan
over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures


"see!! i thought that was funny.and the amount of people iv tricked with it.you lot are just too god damn smart!!leaves the room in a huffxx"

not without getting your arse pinched you don't

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nooooooooooooooooooooo

Please don't go

*hangs head in shame*

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By *ngie-baby OP   Woman
over a year ago

huntingdonish


"see!! i thought that was funny.and the amount of people iv tricked with it.you lot are just too god damn smart!!leaves the room in a huffxx

not without getting your arse pinched you don't"

i'd like to pinch her arse .... but shes straight ... boo hoo (need a crying smiley thinggymajig)

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

What's a Hindu?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"has any one ever been to a duck do?Go on then, I will play along lol

WHATS A DUCK DO?

quack ???"

Fox ache!!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ess von teaseWoman
over a year ago

perth

so thats what you lot say when i leave the room:O lol i was off thinking of a worse joke xx

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By *ngie-baby OP   Woman
over a year ago

huntingdonish

if a hindu is getting married does she have

a hindu hen do

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By *lderguy4funMan
over a year ago

ROTHERHAM

MY MATE SAYS SEX HURTS him every time hes bends over mind you he is in FUCKING PRISON ............WELL I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY LOL

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By *obletonMan
over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures


"so thats what you lot say when i leave the room:O lol i was off thinking of a worse joke xx"

well let's hear it then

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By *arambarMan
over a year ago

swindon

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because although she looks familiar, he can't quite remember how he knows her. "Do i know you?" he asks.

She replies. "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Aghast, his mind travels back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful to his wife. "Oh God, are you the stripper from that stag weekend that i had sex with on the pool table with all my mates watching while your colleague whipped me with wet celery?"

She looks at him in the eyes and calmly replies "No, I;m your sons teacher."

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

I was having a crap in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.

"Can I see your ticket please?"

"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a crap!"

"I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"

"No problem" I said, sliding it under, "the yellow bits are sweetcorn..."

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ever been kissedMan
over a year ago

Middlesbrough

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"

Son says "at school dad."

Robot slaps the son!

"Ok, i watched a dvd at my mates!"

"What dvd?"

"Toy story."

Robot slaps the son again!

"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.

"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" says the dad.

Robot slaps the dad.

Mum laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son!"

Robot slaps the mum!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *etillanteWoman
over a year ago

.

Hello, is this the police?'' ''Yes, What can I do for you?'' '' I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'' ''Thank you very much for the call, sir.'' The next day, the police descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood. but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly after the phone rings at Virgil's house. ''Hey, Virgil, This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?'' ''Yeah!'' '' Did they chop your firewood for the winter?'' ''Yep!'' ''Happy Birthday, buddy!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was sat on the end of the bed pulling off my boxers off last night and the wife said "I wish you wouldn't do that to the dogs!!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hello, is this the police?'' ''Yes, What can I do for you?'' '' I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'' ''Thank you very much for the call, sir.'' The next day, the police descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood. but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly after the phone rings at Virgil's house. ''Hey, Virgil, This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?'' ''Yeah!'' '' Did they chop your firewood for the winter?'' ''Yep!'' ''Happy Birthday, buddy!

"

love that

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By *umourCouple
over a year ago

Rushden

A survey has just found that one in three women are just as stupid as the other two!

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By *umourCouple
over a year ago

Rushden

My girlfriend threw me out last night, just because she caught me measuring my cock!!

Anyway, for the record, it does reach the back of her sisters throat!

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By *umourCouple
over a year ago

Rushden

My wife and I went to bed early last night for a little... You know!

Anyway, she started to rub a lollipop on her pussy and slowly started inserting it. She got faster and faster till her hand was a blur..

Be careful I said, you got to use that to help the kids across the road in the morning!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So you offer your sincere, heart felt compliments to your friend on their Movember tache and suddenly she isn't your friend anymore!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My wife and I went to bed early last night for a little... You know!

Anyway, she started to rub a lollipop on her pussy and slowly started inserting it. She got faster and faster till her hand was a blur..

Be careful I said, you got to use that to help the kids across the road in the morning! "

thanks for that now have a coffee soaked keyboard

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 01/12/11 11:51:31]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I just phoned the police,

"What your emergency?" they asked.

I said, "Two girls are fighting over me."

"So what's the problem?"

I said "The fat one's winning."

The mrs has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels. She handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'.

I can't wait, fuckin love Shepherd's Pie!

A report out today reveals that 40% of men over 40 suffer from erectile disfunction.

Looking at 40% of women over 40 its not difficult to see why!!

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of s.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He then moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions' cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to a resident lion and asks "What's the food like here?”

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"

Son says "at school dad."

Robot slaps the son!

"Ok, i watched a dvd at my mates!"

"What dvd?"

"Toy story."

Robot slaps the son again!

"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.

"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" says the dad.

Robot slaps the dad.

Mum laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son!"

Robot slaps the mum! "

love it...

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I was having a crap in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.

"Can I see your ticket please?"

"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a crap!"

"I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"

"No problem" I said, sliding it under, "the yellow bits are sweetcorn...""

I just spat my coffee everywhere....love it, funny as fuck....

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ever been kissedMan
over a year ago

Middlesbrough

A girl came up to me in a bar - short skirt, body of sin, busoms to lose urself into, hair soooo elegent....

"What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?" she breathed.

"I'd say 'neither am I'."

She raised her eyebrows. "Really? I'm wearing none because it gives men like you..." she licked her lips, "easy access..."

"Oh?" I replied.

& i leaned over, gazed into her eyes...her lips beginning to quiver as my lips are millimeters away from hers...."I've got none on because I shat myself in the gents."

Silly bitch then fucked off....stupid tease.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ever been kissedMan
over a year ago

Middlesbrough

A guy goes to the doctors because he's not feeling too hot. The doctor gives him some pills and instructs him to take it twice daily, not orally but anally and administers the first dose for the man.

The man gets home and attempts sticking a pill up his ass by himself but he just can't seem to do it.

Anyone who has attempted this feat on their own knows the difficulty this poor poor man was experiencing. After 30 minutes of struggling he decides to concede defeat and decides to call his wife for help.

His wife waddles over and agrees to help. She tells her husband to lean over slightly, puts one hand on his shoulder and gently pushes the pill up his ass. All of a sudden the husband starts screaming at the top of his lungs.

The wife who was quite startled asks "Honey, what's wrong? Did I hurt you?"

To which the man responds "No but I just realized when the doctor did it he had both hands on my shoulders."

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *obletonMan
over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

They say nothing lasts forever, but try wanking over a picture of Susan Boyle

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats blue and fucks old people this Winter?

The Tories.

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

There are only 10 kinds of people that understand binary.....

Those that do....

Those that don't.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife came home from work last night and downed a pint of lager.

"Mm that was just like your cock", she smiled.

"What, really tasty", I chuckled.

"No", she laughed, "It didn't even touch the sides.

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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

I was making love to the wife and she said i" I was like a supermarket.." I said " because you get everything you need from me.." "no " she says " you're lidl...!!!"

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

Grab your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

I fancied an exotic pet so i went down town and bought a snake.

My mate came round and said "My god, that things poisonous what if it bites you?"

"No probs" said i "you just get a mate to suck the venom out"

"Yeah but what happens if it bites you on yer cock?"

"That's when you find out who your friends are"

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By *arambarMan
over a year ago

swindon

I'm always frank with my sexual partners.

Don't want them knowing my real name, do I?

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By *ixson-BallsMan
over a year ago

Blackpool

I bought a new perfume for my girlfriend called "Chloroform", but she doesn't like it....

says it makes her sleepy and her bum sore

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I bought a new perfume for my girlfriend called "Chloroform", but she doesn't like it....

says it makes her sleepy and her bum sore

"

That tickled me.

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By *ixson-BallsMan
over a year ago

Blackpool

they set a tough task for tonights bush tucker trial..

a kangaroo has to eat one of fatima whitbreads testicles!!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

BBC News: Wi-Fi laptops may damage your sperm.

In my experience, not half as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop.

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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

I've just had a right go at a bloke for daubing white paint all over me.

"It's not white paint" he said sarcastically. "It's Tippex".

"Oh I'm sorry" I responded. "My mistake". I stand corrected.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *teborahCouple
over a year ago

warrington

I have just fostered one of those poor unfortunate kids that was rioting in the summer!............................. all 6 cans hit the fucker square on the back of his head!

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the driver’s door. ‘Is there a problem officer?’

‘Yes, Sir you were speeding. Can I see your licence, please?’

The driver responds, ‘I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.’

‘You don’t have one?’

The man responds, ‘I lost it four times for drink driving.’

The policeman is shocked. ‘I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?’

‘I’m sorry, I can’t do that.’

The policeman says, ‘Why not?’

‘I stole this car.’

The officer says, ‘Stole it?’

The man says, ‘Yes and I killed the owner.’

At this point the officer is beginning to panic. ‘You what!?!’

‘She’s in the boot if you want to see.’

The officer realises he is dealing with a dangerous man and slowly backs away. He calls for armed back up. Within minutes five police cars show up, sirens everywhere, whirling lights...

The captain slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The captain says,

‘Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!’

The man steps out of his vehicle. ‘Is there a problem, sir?’

‘One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.’

‘Murdered the owner???’

The captain responds, ‘Yes, could you open the boot of your car, please?’

The man opens the boot - It’s empty.

The captain says, ‘Is this your car, sir?’

The man says ‘Yes’ and hands over the registration papers.

The senior officer, understandably, is quite stunned.

‘One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.’

The man digs in his pocket, revealing a wallet, and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.

‘Thank you sir. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car and murdered the owner.’

The man replies, ‘I bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!’

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Last night I confessed to my mate that I've been seeing his wife.

He looked at me in the eyes and said, "Are you serious?"

I saud "Nah! I'm just using her for a shag!!".

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By *he BananamanMan
over a year ago

WORCESTERSHIRE

a red indian introduced me to his wife..."this is four horses.."

i said wow!,that's a beautiful name,what does it mean...?

he said,fuckin nag,nag,nag,nag!.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Soooo funny, love it xx

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ever been kissedMan
over a year ago

Middlesbrough

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely.....

if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ever been kissedMan
over a year ago

Middlesbrough

"Dad, how do you feel about abortions?"

"Well, why don't you ask your sister?"

"But I don't have a..

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Australian Personal Ad

If this bloke is not in advertising then he should be. What great copy!!!

An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section:This bloke should have gotten a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!

Wanted A tall well-built woman with good

reputation, who can cook frogs

legs, who appreciates a good fuc-

schia garden, classic music and tal-

king without getting too serious.

Interested?

Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;

still interested?

Call me at...... 8250-0327

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, just before dawn, both of them d*unk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and d*unk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There's a fantastic new sex position called 'Parcelforce'.

You can stay in all day but nobody comes!

XXXX

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By *ever been kissedMan
over a year ago

Middlesbrough

"knock knock."

"who's there?"

"Dave."

"Dave. Dave who?"

& it dawns on dave, as a tear rolls down his cheek, that his mothers Alzheimers is getting worse.

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By *etillanteWoman
over a year ago

.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my

... mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you

have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

My new girlfriend said I have to wait six months before she'll suck my cock.

I told her I totally understand and respect her decision and I'll give her a call nearer the time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bloke visits a prostitute and puts £200 on the bed and then drops his pants.

The prostitute nearly faints as the bloke has a 19inch long cock!

"No way is that going in me" she says, "I@

'll lick it and suck it but that's all."

Bloke picks his £200 and says "forget it, i can do that myself!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The Jeremy Kyle 12 days of Xmas

12 cans of carling

11 DNA tests

10 dads to choose from

9 teeth between the

8 squeezed in tracksuits

7 stinking smackrats

6 dunlop trainers

5 stolen rings

4 fat slags

3 ugly twats

2 timing cunts

and a wanker who parades them on tv

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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

I went into a brothel and said, "How much for anal?"

She said, "eighty quid."

I said, "Ah, that's a bit expensive. I think I'll leave it."

She said, "Tight arse."

I said, "Oh, go on then."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 snowmen in a field one said to the other

'can you smell carrots !'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i did a jigsaw the other night and was really chuffed that i did it in 45 mins

as on the box box said 3 to 5 years

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

kids asked me to help do a difficult jigsaw of a tiger ... told em to put the frosties back in the box

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

Was on the Isle of Wight ferry last week. Ticket collector said are you a foot passenger.

I said no, 8", but i'm that good it'll feel like a foot.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

New anti-depressant for lesbians....

Trycoxagain.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife just rang to say Gavin from auto glass has just been and injected his resin into her crack. I'm not normally suspicious, but I've got the f*King car!!!

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By *ixson-BallsMan
over a year ago

Blackpool

statistics say one in twenty of us live next to a paedophile!!...not me....

i live next door to a stunning 14 year old with great tits

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By *ixson-BallsMan
over a year ago

Blackpool

I took the missus to the doctors as she had a golf ball stuck up her arse..

he said "fuck me that's up a fairway"

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By *acktilMan
over a year ago

Tewkesbury

Just got a Jehovah's Witness advent calender, every time I open a door someone shouts FuckOff at me.

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By *acktilMan
over a year ago

Tewkesbury

Just had some great sex with a girl that has really bad eczema. She had a cracking fanny.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of vibrators.....

Unfortunately he now has a problem with

squatters.....

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By *ever been kissedMan
over a year ago

Middlesbrough

"You won't catch me paying for sex."

I shouted as I pulled up my trousers, grabbed my shoes, and ran out of the brothel...

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By *ever been kissedMan
over a year ago

Middlesbrough

"Can you tie a knot?"

"I cannot."

"So you can knot?"

"No, I cannot knot."

"Not knot?"

"Who's there?"

"Fuck off!"

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By *etillanteWoman
over a year ago

.

HOW TO LIVE WITH A HUGE PENIS

Is Bigger Really Better? Here at last is the first self-help book for men with Oversized Male Genitalia (OMG), a genetic birth defect that grows the penis to absurd proportions. Every year, thousands of men are diagnosed with OMG. Sadly, most are banished to the fringes of society,.....

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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

A dyslexsic girl giving a guy a b.j. in a public park, a policeman sees what's happening walks over and taps the girl on the shoulder,.. " if you don't stop that I'll have to arrest you..!!" Says the copper, " my lips are cracked and sore and I read that' a chaps dick would make them

better. !!" Says the girl...

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Never confuse laxatives with viagra.....

It makes you crap in bed.

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

Mancheter Utd FC 07.12.2011

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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

Tampax have announced that they will be taking the strings off their tampons and replacing it with tinsel... This is for the christmas period only...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he says. "Im trying to comit suicide." ah "Well before you jump can you give me a blowjob," So she does. After she's finishd the trucker says "Wow that's wasted talent, why are you commiting suicide?" "Cause my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl!"?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia. Hwoevre, tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

I was in a restaurant last night and got hit on the back of the head with a Prawn Cocktail. I looked round and this bloke said to me,

"Thats just for starters!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A girl asks his doctor how many calories there are in sperm?

Doctor says "Believe me, if you swallow, no one gives a fuck how fat you are".

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Why do women love to suck circumcised cocks???........?.........?

Because they can't fucking resist anything with 10% off!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A small boy says to his father "Dad, what's the difference

between 'theoretically' & realistically'?"

His dad thinks & then says "Right-ho son, go & ask

your mother if she'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million

quid."

The boy toddles off & comes back saying "Dad, dad, she

said she would! She would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a

million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go & ask your

sister the same question."

The boy toddles off & comes back saying "Dad, dad, she

said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go & ask your brother if

he'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he

would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad.

Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.

Realistically we're living with two tarts & a poof."

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

Just a reminder that Royal Mail have said that today is the last posting day if you want to guarantee delivery by Easter.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Tescos just phoned me, someone is d*unk in their store wearing a sparkly thong and riding a plastic reindeer.

I'll come and get you this time, BUT this has to stop, It's every bloody year you do this!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

£14 for a three course meal for a family of four...........that's why mums go to Iceland!

£10 for an 18 year old who will ride your cock all night..........that's why dads go to Thailand!

XXXX

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lady Penelope calls Parker to her bedroom.

"Take off my shoes". Said Penelope

"Yes, m'lady". said Parker

"Take off my dress".

"Yes, m'lady".

"Takes off my stockings".

"Yes, m'lady".

"Take off my bra".

"Yes, m'lady".

"Take off my pants".

"Yes, m'lady".

"If I ever catch you wearing my fucking clothes again, you're fired"!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Piere walks into the cafe and sees Roxanne sat at a table and goes over to chat with her. He orders red wine and pours the red wine over her painted lips.

Roxanne asks 'Mon Dieu! why did you do that Piere?"

"My dear" Piere says "when I take ze red meat I take ze red wine......"

Peire then unbuttons Roxanne's blouse and pours white wine over her pert milk skinned breasts.

"Mon Dieu! Piere, why did you do zat?"

"When I take ze white meat" says Piere "I take ze white wine!"

Later Piere parts Roxanne's legs and, seing her moist pussy, pours brandy over her and drops a match. Woof! the brandy goes up like a candle.

"Piere!" screams Roxanne "Why did you do zis?"

"Ahhh, my dear" says Piere "when I go down, I go down in Flames!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Christmas is just like any other day to me ! Sat at a table with a fat bird that doesn't gobble any more

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The lead actor in the local Pantomime production of Aladdin at Harlow Playhouse was raped, by the gay genie on stage last night.

To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it?"

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush....."

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

...My new girlfriend just burst in the bedroom,

So I'm taking her back to Ann Summers tommorow and getting my money back.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

...I said to the missus "Hey fat twat what do you want for christmas ?"

She said "Don't get fucking lippy."

I said "right, mascara it is, then!"

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

..Ann Summers outlets are selling a new alcoholic vagina gel that women can rub on their flaps! So now when the guy goes down he can have a bevvy as well! :-

However, anti-drink campaigner's want it banned amid fears of 24 hr minge drinking.

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford


"Piere walks into the cafe and sees Roxanne sat at a table and goes over to chat with her. He orders red wine and pours the red wine over her painted lips.

Roxanne asks 'Mon Dieu! why did you do that Piere?"

"My dear" Piere says "when I take ze red meat I take ze red wine......"

Peire then unbuttons Roxanne's blouse and pours white wine over her pert milk skinned breasts.

"Mon Dieu! Piere, why did you do zat?"

"When I take ze white meat" says Piere "I take ze white wine!"

Later Piere parts Roxanne's legs and, seing her moist pussy, pours brandy over her and drops a match. Woof! the brandy goes up like a candle.

"Piere!" screams Roxanne "Why did you do zis?"

"Ahhh, my dear" says Piere "when I go down, I go down in Flames!""

Did you forget to tell us that he was a fighter pilot?

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

One winter in Bethlehem, in a lowly barn, shortly after giving birth to a little baby boy, Mary sent Joseph out to get a takeaway.

On his return, he trod on a rake which swung up and smacked him right in the face.

"Jesus christ" he shouted.

"Wow, that's a lovely name, i was gonna call him Brian" said Mary.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Non alcoholic beer ..its like licking your sister, tastes the same just isnt right

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

Lets face it - if sperm tasted nice, none of us would have been born.

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By *anda man.Man
over a year ago

Stockport

Just had a message from my Scouse mate reminding me there are now only 6 Shoplifting days left until Christmas.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

love it !! will have to remember this one !

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By *obsrocketMan
over a year ago

Loughborough


"The Jeremy Kyle 12 days of Xmas

12 cans of carling

11 DNA tests

10 dads to choose from

9 teeth between the

8 squeezed in tracksuits

7 stinking smackrats

6 dunlop trainers

5 stolen rings

4 fat slags

3 ugly twats

2 timing cunts

and a wanker who parades them on tv"

That is priceless I love it

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Now that India has allowed homosexuality, the first lesbian couple have got married,so congratulations to Sukme Phlaps and Makemeclit Singh!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flatmate!...............

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset

about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.

The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozband did

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth."And did my husband

say that as well?"

Maria: "No, Señora... The gardener did."

Wife : "How much do you want?"

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By *enithWoman
over a year ago

closer than you think

A girls puts an ad online requesting a man who won't hit her, leave her and is a great lover.

A few days later her doorbell rings and she finds a man with no arms and no legs.

He says to her, "I have no arms, so I can't hit you, & I have no legs, so I can't run."

She responds, "But the last part..."He grins and says,

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A couple go to a psychiatrist who specialises in delicate sexual problems. The psychiatrist asks, "What can I do for you?" "Would you please watch us having sex?" says the man. The psychiatrist is a bit taken aback, but he agrees. The couple get undressed, enjoy some light foreplay and then screw on the couch in various positions, visibly enjoying themselves, "I'm sorry," says the psychiatrist, "I don't see anything unusual about the way you have sex."

He then charges them £100 for the therapy session and they leave.

In the following weeks, this repeats itself several times: twice a week, the couple come for a therapy session, have sex in the psychiatrist's office, pay £100 and leave. After a month or two, the psychiatrist asks:

"Excuse me, but what exactly is it you are trying to find out?" "Nothing," says the man, "but she's married, so we can't go to her place. I'm married too, so we can't go to mine. The Holiday Inn wants £200 for a room, a Premier Inn would cost £170. When we come to you, we have a perfect alibi, it costs us only £100 and BUPA covers 68% of that."

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

I remember the worst blowjob I ever had.

It was fucking AWESOME!!

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

...I made myself a snowman,

As perfect as can be, I thought I'd keep it as a pet. So let it sleep with me.

I made it some pyjamas,

And a pillow for it's head.

Last night the bastard vanished,

And pissed the fucking bed.

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except the click of my mouse.

And the sound of my furious and hard masturbation, as I sat there watching Christmas porn on Babestation.

My playmate, she was nestled all snug in her bed, whilst visions of other women danced around in my head.

There was Cheryl and Megan and there was even Dannii, as I pictured my penis entering every one of their fannies.

I was horny and hard on that cold, winter night and when my semen came out, it went as high as a kite.

Then I shut down my laptop, turned off the TV, then let go of my cock and went slowly to sleep.

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By *ecret MomentsCouple
over a year ago

rotherham

you see men can multitask lol xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A blonde takes her car to a mechanic. he says 'nothing to worry about hun, just shit in the air filter'. She says 'Brilliant, so how many times a day do i do that they?'

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

My New Year's resolutions are:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Being a dyslexic at school, my English teacher always used to insult my grammar. I said, "you never even met her, you stupid c*nt

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 dyslexics in a pub one says can you smell anything the other one says anything? I can't even smell my own name

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

...ALZHEIMERS or PARKINSONS, Which one would you rather have?

PARKINSONS of course! Better to spill half your beer than forget where the

fuck you put it!

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By *landPeggyCouple
over a year ago

Holland !

One plate says to another "Lunch is on me"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Waitin For a Call Last Night, Put Me Phone Under My Pillow, Woke This Morning It Had Been Replaced With 50p ! Bloody Blue Tooth Fairy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

1: Chicken and Cat were sitting on the river bank when cat fell in and made chicken laugh. moral of the story: where there's a wet pussy, there's a happy cock!

2: Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A: Its not hard..

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

Man Utd F F C.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 blokes chatting. 1st guy says to his mate if you came home and caught me shagging your missus would that make us related.his mate said No it would make us even !!

Wife was standing naked in front of the mirror and moaned, my neck is sagging , my tits are sagging, my stomach is sagging.I said think positive. she said how. i said theres fuck all wrong with your eyes.

Came downstairs into the kir

tchen after a night getting pissed . she was standing there with one of my socks in the frying pan. i said what the fuck are you doing? she said you came home pissed last night and asked me to Cook your sock

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By *rummpsMan
over a year ago

thanet

Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.

Just send the wine back.

_rummps x.

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

Got a letter from some debt collectors this morning saying they have bought my debt from Littlewoods and that I now owe the money to them.

So I've sent a letter back saying I have sold my bill to Greece.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.

Just send the wine back.

_rummps x."

Quality.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset


"Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.

Just send the wine back.

_rummps x."

Thats a good one, cut off three inches, Nasty. Lol

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By *anda man.Man
over a year ago

Stockport

My Girlfriend had a "near-death" experience earlier this evening.

She thought she could hoover while the football was on!

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

A new survey shows that a fifth of British men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine.

I find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick.

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By *uckscouple2007Couple
over a year ago

Bucks


"My Girlfriend had a "near-death" experience earlier this evening.

She thought she could hoover while the football was on!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder, well endowed of breasts and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said,

"How, dear?" And Dot replied,

"I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stables (UPS) Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied,

"Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

And that's the truth.

Honest!

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By *anda man.Man
over a year ago

Stockport

Fucking Brilliant.Loved it!!

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.

So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"

She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.

As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."

"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"

I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten quid and the thick ones went for twenty quid."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off pussys. The pretty ones went for a thousand quid, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

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By *heekygeordieguyMan
over a year ago

Newcastle

A few nights ago I went out with some friends for a drink, I had a couple of lagers, a couple of nice glasses of merlot and a jd and to top the night off....at this point i realised i would be over the limit and did something i have never done before....i decided to take the bus home......i arrived home safe and sound and without problems, which in itself is surprising as i have never ever driven a bus before and i dont know where i got this one from...it must have been the jd and ....!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

why did the semen cross the road ?

coz i havent had a wank for a fortnight!!!!

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By *anda man.Man
over a year ago

Stockport

The wife said to me last night in bed "If you turn the bedside lamp off soon i may take it up the arse tonight"

On reflection i think i should have let it cool down a little first?

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By *amschwingerzCouple
over a year ago

West

Why did the Chocken cross the road?

Because Anthony Worrel Thompson had it stuffed in his Jacket

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook. So Anthony, you had £5 to spend...what's in your bag?

"Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats-cheese, 3 bottles of Cava and a bottle of Blue Nun and I still have £2.74 left over".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 13/01/12 13:58:14]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Three grils on a plane that's going to crash.

The American puts on her make up saying "the rescuers will always save the pretty girl first".

The French girl removes her bra saying "the rescuers will save a pretty girl with tits first".

The African girl takes off her knickers and says "fuck off...they always look for the black box first!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The FA have announced new procedures for referees to follow during matches.

Anyone found passing the ball to Andy Carroll will be booked for time wasting.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Mental patient is in hospital when a nurse catches him with his willy in between two biscuits.

"What are you doing?" She asks..

"I'm Fucking crackers" he replied!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A blind man stumbles into a pub and makes his way to the bar. He asks the bar maid for a pint and if she fancies hearing a 'blonde joke'.

the bar maid objects, explaining 'this is a lesbian bar, I am blonde, the manager is a blonde, so is the waitress and the two bouncers on the door, are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke?'

The man replies 'You are right, I aint gonna tell the joke if I have to explain it 5 times.....'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Saw Warell Thomson in Tescos with some suasages the other other day, only difference was he hadn't paid for them.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The buffet at Kim Jon Ils funeral was the dogs bollocks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Bought some Sainsbury sausages yesterday,there's a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front, on the back it says "prick with a fork" ..Cant argue with that!

"

they're not a patch on the thick irish ones.

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By *oantrimcpl2010Couple
over a year ago

Lisburn

I've been told I'm amazing in bed.

It's when someone joins me that it all goes wrong.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Q. Why did the pervert cross the road?

A. He had his knob caught in a chicken

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By *anda man.Man
over a year ago

Stockport

Was watching the news on the tele about the stricken cruise ship when the Sky Newsreader said "She's laying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court"..I just happened to glance at the wife...then it all kicked off.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset


"Was watching the news on the tele about the stricken cruise ship when the Sky Newsreader said "She's laying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court"..I just happened to glance at the wife...then it all kicked off."

Oh dear! Lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

a recent survey suggests 1 in 10 people dont enjoy gang rape

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thank Goodness for WeBuyAnyShip.com

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Was watching the news on the tele about the stricken cruise ship when the Sky Newsreader said "She's laying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court"..I just happened to glance at the wife...then it all kicked off."

That's absolutely tickled me. Thanks.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Teacher: "Billy, if there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot 1, how many are left?

Billy: "none, the other birds would fly away".

Teacher: "The answer is four, but I like the way you think!"

Billy: "I have a question for you miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream. One licking; 1 biting and 1 sucking. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking?"

Billy: "The answer is the one with the wedding ring - but I like the way you think!"

Teddy x

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By *anda man.Man
over a year ago

Stockport

Italian divers searching the stricken cruise liner have found two scousers still in the bar. They told the divers to fuck-off they're All Inclusive.

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By *landPeggyCouple
over a year ago

Holland !

My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn’t make any sense, ’cause we don’t have a dog.

– random 7 year old

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

After landing myself in jail, I found myself getting bummed relentlessy for the first hour.

Sometimes I think my uncle takes Monopoly far too seriously !

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By *HAGADELICCouple
over a year ago

south london

Coming back from another recent EC summit in Rome, various European leaders were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss ATC controllers; sitting together in the same compartment, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were Sarkozy, Cameron, Merkel and the young and very attractive female Irish foreign minister.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a kiss followed by a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Sarkozy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks, everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed.

Angela Merkel thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have kissed the Irish girl in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have tried to kiss me in the dark, but missed and kissed Merkel and she slapped his cheek.

Sarkozy thinks: Why me ? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish girl in the dark knowing that I’d get the blame for it and she slapped me…the English bastard.

Cameron thinks: I can’t wait for another tunnel, just so I can kiss the back of my hand again and smack that little French sod another time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have started a new job, it's going good so far! I'm working as a comedian in an old peoples home. I tell them jokes and they don't understand me, but they still piss themselves!!!!

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

I got d*unk at the office party and shagged an ugly Chinese bloke in the lift.

I know, I know.....

I was fucking Wong on all levels....

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

My mate said, "You can't beat two lesbians doing scissors."

I said, "You can if you've got a rock."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

E's fave joke at the moment

2 owls playing pool and one pots the white.

he turns to the other and says "2 hits to you"

and the other replies "2 hits to who?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Recently married farmer goes off to the doctor looking viagra,docotor asks him why viagra?

Farmer says well as you know doc my wifes much younger and fitter than me and its taking time to get the old boyo up and going, i find now that when i'm out in the tractor i get a nice hardon but by the time i get over to the house its gone again.so i need that viagra

Doc says not a bit of it just take the shotgun out with you and when the urge hits you just fire a shot in the air and that young wifey can be out to you in no time,

Couple months later farmer and doctor meet in the pub doctor asks well hows the sex life going farmer replys was going really well untill the shooting season started

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats the difference between the vagina and the anus?

About an inch!

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By *arnayguyMan
over a year ago

Durham Tees


"Whats the difference between the vagina and the anus?

About an inch!"

What is the piece of skin between the vagina and the anus called?

The chin rest.

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By *orphinCouple
over a year ago

wirral

Anne Summers outlets are selling a new alcoholic vagina gel that women can rub on their flaps!

So now when the guy goes down he can have a bevvy as well!

However, anti-drink campaigner's want it banned amid fears of 24 hr minge drinking

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