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Share your best jokes here ??????

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

So a blonde walks into a barbershop with a pair of headphones on her head. She sits at the chair and the barber asks her to take the headphones off. She refuses, telling the barber that if she takes them off, she'll die. So the barber tries to cut around the headphones, but he grows impatient. After a while, not believing her comment, he pulls them off her. Quickly, she turns purple, keels over, and dies. Bewildered, the barber picks up the headphones to see what she was listening to that was keeping her alive. "Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So a blonde walks into a barbershop with a pair of headphones on her head. She sits at the chair and the barber asks her to take the headphones off. She refuses, telling the barber that if she takes them off, she'll die. So the barber tries to cut around the headphones, but he grows impatient. After a while, not believing her comment, he pulls them off her. Quickly, she turns purple, keels over, and dies. Bewildered, the barber picks up the headphones to see what she was listening to that was keeping her alive. "Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.""

Offended

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By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff


"So a blonde walks into a barbershop with a pair of headphones on her head. She sits at the chair and the barber asks her to take the headphones off. She refuses, telling the barber that if she takes them off, she'll die. So the barber tries to cut around the headphones, but he grows impatient. After a while, not believing her comment, he pulls them off her. Quickly, she turns purple, keels over, and dies. Bewildered, the barber picks up the headphones to see what she was listening to that was keeping her alive. "Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.""

Go on then OP you start us off with one

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was once hospitalised after having four toy plastic horses stuck up my bum. The doctor described my condition as stable.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 31/07/18 13:46:58]

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I was once hospitalised after having four toy plastic horses stuck up my bum. The doctor described my condition as stable."

For flip sake loooooooool

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"So a blonde walks into a barbershop with a pair of headphones on her head. She sits at the chair and the barber asks her to take the headphones off. She refuses, telling the barber that if she takes them off, she'll die. So the barber tries to cut around the headphones, but he grows impatient. After a while, not believing her comment, he pulls them off her. Quickly, she turns purple, keels over, and dies. Bewildered, the barber picks up the headphones to see what she was listening to that was keeping her alive. "Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out."

Offended "

Yeah but I'm pretty sure you are not THIS blonde hahahahaha

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By *xtrafun4youMan
over a year ago

Dunstable

I bought a dog from a blacksmith at the weekend.

Soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Three explorers were out studying the Safari with their pet monkey. They decided, as an experiment, to put a cork in an elephant's butt. Over the course of the days, the elephant grew larger and larger. Next thing they know, the three men were in Heaven. They asked each other, "how'd you die?" The first said, "I died of the smell." The second said, "I died of the taste." The third man said, "I died laughing watching the monkey trying to put the cork back in."

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I bought a dog from a blacksmith at the weekend.

Soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

"

Yessssssssssss loooooooool

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By *ercuryMan
over a year ago

Grantham

Man is sat on the edge of the bed pulling off his boxers.

Wife walks in and says "you spoil those fucking dogs"

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By *xtrafun4youMan
over a year ago

Dunstable


"Man is sat on the edge of the bed pulling off his boxers.

Wife walks in and says "you spoil those fucking dogs" "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had a chicken tarka last night ...... its like a chicken tikka , only a little otter .

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By *tirluvMan
over a year ago

the right frame of mind -London

I thought you weren't allowed to post personal comments on the forums?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign behind the counter that reads

TAKE THE CHALLENGE, WIN $ 100.

Noticing him looking, the bartender explains

'You can win a 100 bucks if you down a bottle of vodka, then pull a rotten tooth from a vicious Rottweiler out back and the make love upstairs to my 94 yo nympho aunt'.

Tempted by the money, the guy accepts the challenge and downs the vodka before staggering out back. The bar fell silent as they listened to a dogs savage growl suddenly turn to whimpering before a few minutes of howling.

Clothing torn, hands bloodied and staggering wildly, the guy bursts back into the bar yelling...

'Now, where's that old lady with the toothache ?'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Three explorers were out studying the Safari with their pet monkey. They decided, as an experiment, to put a cork in an elephant's butt. Over the course of the days, the elephant grew larger and larger. Next thing they know, the three men were in Heaven. They asked each other, "how'd you die?" The first said, "I died of the smell." The second said, "I died of the taste." The third man said, "I died laughing watching the monkey trying to put the cork back in.""

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So a blonde walks into a barbershop with a pair of headphones on her head. She sits at the chair and the barber asks her to take the headphones off. She refuses, telling the barber that if she takes them off, she'll die. So the barber tries to cut around the headphones, but he grows impatient. After a while, not believing her comment, he pulls them off her. Quickly, she turns purple, keels over, and dies. Bewildered, the barber picks up the headphones to see what she was listening to that was keeping her alive. "Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out."

Offended

Yeah but I'm pretty sure you are not THIS blonde hahahahaha"

Nah, I can breath all by myself... Can't text and walk though

Fb

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"So a blonde walks into a barbershop with a pair of headphones on her head. She sits at the chair and the barber asks her to take the headphones off. She refuses, telling the barber that if she takes them off, she'll die. So the barber tries to cut around the headphones, but he grows impatient. After a while, not believing her comment, he pulls them off her. Quickly, she turns purple, keels over, and dies. Bewildered, the barber picks up the headphones to see what she was listening to that was keeping her alive. "Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out."

Offended

Yeah but I'm pretty sure you are not THIS blonde hahahahaha

Nah, I can breath all by myself... Can't text and walk though

Fb"

Hahaha I've been the very star of my own show on that one... couple of months ago I was minding my own business on my phone, walked straight into a post... in front of people... all I could do was smile then walk into the nearest shop... shame and pain lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Worst sex toy?

My ex gf

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?

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By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff


"I bought a dog from a blacksmith at the weekend.

Soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Little boy asked his Mummy, " Mummy why are you so fat"?

She replied " Because your daddy has given me a baby"!

Little boy went into the next room where his daddy was reading a newspaper. " Daddy, have you given my mummy a baby"? He asked.

His daddy put down his newspaper, smiled at his young son and replied " yes I have"!

The boy said to his daddy " don't give her any more!! She has eaten it"!!!!

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By *lceeWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

Why did the tomato blush.....

....because he saw the salad dressing!

That is literally my best joke.

I won’t hold my breath for a call from an agent

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By *ndtheswingersMan
over a year ago

colchester

What's the difference between hard and light?

It's easy to fall asleep with a light on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I usually just drop my trousers to make people laugh BUT:

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girflriend off the wall?

So he could see her crack!

I'm here all week.

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By *ndtheswingersMan
over a year ago

colchester

What is Brass and sounds like Tom Jones

Trombones

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By *ild_oatsMan
over a year ago

the land of saints & sinners

Why do Walruses like going to Tupperware parties?

Because they are always on the lookout for a tight seal....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How many fab women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Come on, zero, we all know fab women just sit around expecting men to do everything for them and to make all of the effort ??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How many fab women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Come on, zero, we all know fab women just sit around expecting men to do everything for them and to make all of the effort ??"

I don't get it.

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By *r laidbackMan
over a year ago

London & New Brighton

Two rats in a sewer and one rat says to the other, shit for breakfast, shit for lunch and shit for dinner!!! I'm sick of shit.

The other rat looks up and says don't worry, I'll take you on the piss tomorrow

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