FabSwingers.com forum: Pace, rhythm and vibing.

By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

'Conversation, like certain portions of the anatomy, always runs more smoothly when lubricated.' Marquis De Sade

After conversing with a friend earlier I've been thinking about what makes a conversation a good one. Obviously there's no better hive mind than the forum so...

Do you find you make a conscious effort to engage within a conversation? Do you 'mirror' (adopting usage of language, emojis and length as examples) those that you're speaking to? What makes a conversation truly enjoyable for you?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m going to pen my thoughts shortly. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Apologies OP, my Mumma phoned so I got waylaid.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In real life chemistry is undoubtedly the big factor. On one of my dates the conversation regularly stalled because I just wasn't feeling any chemistry and so couldn't think of anything to say when a gap came along. All my other dates have flowed. But the most enjoyable ones have been those where, whenever I've pushed on a door (flirtation wise) the woman has gladly reciprocated. That just amps things up so deliciously

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"'Conversation, like certain portions of the anatomy, always runs more smoothly when lubricated.' Marquis De Sade "

I’ve never heard that quote before, that’s amazing!

" After conversing with a friend earlier I've been thinking about what makes a conversation a good one. Obviously there's no better hive mind than the forum so...

Do you find you make a conscious effort to engage within a conversation? "

Yes. It’s important to me to have a sense of the level of friendship or relationship I have with someone to know how to portion my energy. I mean, those I talk to deeply, intimately or in an exposing way it is because I am investing in them, in me and in our connection. I respect and care for them. Like you are someone I care massively about, OP. So yes, you are someone I consciously choose to make effort with. Not that it’s effort, I find you vibe at the bandwidth I find energising and not depleting.

Do you 'mirror' (adopting usage of language, emojis and length as examples) those that you're speaking to? "

That’s an interesting one. I am verbose. I would love to be pithy. I feel my thoughts out by just (as you said earlier) spewing language and seeing what the words, thoughts and ideas sound, feel, and look like. And yet sometimes I just can’t express myself. I can find conversations very emotional and sometimes my words trip away from me. And I’ve wittered and rambled; to then receive a short, dismissive (I’ve ascribed that tone, I know) or unmatched response and it can be jarring. Sometimes it’s great, but sometimes it can pull me up, like a slap in the face, and make me doubt the same interest or investment is there from the other person. I rationally know not to second guess but my inner self esteem quasher shouts that they’re actually not interested in what I’m saying, in furthering the conversation or revealing themselves to me or shiiiiiiiiiiiit, they’re actually chatting to someone else at the same time as me! Curses.

What makes a conversation truly enjoyable for you? "

Trust, vulnerability, humour, affection, the honesty of being able to express how I’m feeling (even if it’s only in a moment and by expressing it it will pass) without that being held against me but actually seen as authenticity, and an opportunity to see me. See me, please. And I want the same - to see you (my friend). Conversation is the means to connect, but by damn it’s a complicated dance. And I have two left feet.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Great quote op

I would say that the best conversations are with someone with whom you have a shared understanding or view of the world. Superficial chit chat is great and had it's place, but the real deep meaningful confabs require some sort of shared context.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You could say I’m difficult, I probably talk too much. I over analyse and overthink things, yes, it’s a nasty crutch. I’m usually only waiting for you to stop talking, so that I can. Concerning two way streets, I have to say I’m not a fan.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You could say I’m difficult, I probably talk too much. I over analyse and overthink things, yes, it’s a nasty crutch. I’m usually only waiting for you to stop talking, so that I can. "

As in you’re not listening and not interested in what the person is saying to you? Or is this anxiety to be able to express your points?

" Concerning two way streets, I have to say I’m not a fan. "
I don’t understand what you mean here, is it possible to explain?

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"In real life chemistry is undoubtedly the big factor. On one of my dates the conversation regularly stalled because I just wasn't feeling any chemistry and so couldn't think of anything to say when a gap came along."

Do you have to feel chemistry in order to chat with someone? Or is it because there was no chemistry you stopped trying to engage?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do you have to feel chemistry in order to chat with someone? Or is it because there was no chemistry you stopped trying to engage? "

I go into every date/social with a lot of positive energy. If I'm met with zero energy in return I'll usually try to whip up some energy. If that results in zero energy in return, and I'm not really as attracted as I had hoped, it starts turning into a question of how much I can bother to carry the date/social. It starts to become a guessing game of what to talk about next. That's what I mean by bad chemistry. It's only happened on one date... and even then she still wanted to see me again

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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago

I don’t always find it easy to engage. I’m ok with friends but I’m a little bit awkward with new people. I think I’m more of a listener than a talker. You can learn so much if you sit back and listen but for conversation to work you both have to invest in it. I suppose we all find it easier with some folk than others ... or is that just me? I seem to be one of those people that others feel they can open up to though and I quite like that.

I don’t think I mirror ... if I do it’s not a conscious thing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I dont make a concious effort to mirror,but when I get on really well with someone we do tend to be mirrored anyway in terms of sense of humour, way we will write things like that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think I'm quite good at conversing. I'm good at stirring up a discussion. I'm good at listening. I'm even happy to be won over if the other person has a good counter argument. I'm also happy to retreat or change the subject if the other seems a bit upset by it. I'm also a good adjudicator, and will often insist in passing the torch to the other person if I feel I've dominated the conversation a bit. In a group I'll often be the one who works to include someone who hasn't said much.

But all that goes to shit if I'm with a difficult person. I stop giving a shit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have had some fabulous conversations over the years. The best ones we have explored why we are saying the things we are saying; expressed our thoughts and feelings openly and candidly; being willing to be vulnerable with each other; illustrating our thoughts and feelings with heartfelt stories; deeply inquiring into each other’s worlds while listening to each other with our whole being. Don’t for a minute think these have been comfortable conversations, they were frequently very challenging, emotionally rich and in moments mutually transformative.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think I'm quite good at conversing. I'm good at stirring up a discussion. I'm good at listening. I'm even happy to be won over if the other person has a good counter argument. I'm also happy to retreat or change the subject if the other seems a bit upset by it. I'm also a good adjudicator, and will often insist in passing the torch to the other person if I feel I've dominated the conversation a bit. In a group I'll often be the one who works to include someone who hasn't said much.

But all that goes to shit if I'm with a difficult person. I stop giving a shit "

Humblebrag.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have had some fabulous conversations over the years. The best ones we have explored why we are saying the things we are saying; expressed our thoughts and feelings openly and candidly; being willing to be vulnerable with each other; illustrating our thoughts and feelings with heartfelt stories; deeply inquiring into each other’s worlds while listening to each other with our whole being. Don’t for a minute think these have been comfortable conversations, they were frequently very challenging, emotionally rich and in moments mutually transformative."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You could say I’m difficult, I probably talk too much. I over analyse and overthink things, yes, it’s a nasty crutch. I’m usually only waiting for you to stop talking, so that I can.

As in you’re not listening and not interested in what the person is saying to you? Or is this anxiety to be able to express your points?

Concerning two way streets, I have to say I’m not a fan. I don’t understand what you mean here, is it possible to explain?"

It’s the lyrics to GMF by John Grant.

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

"That just amps things up so deliciously

Gosh, some new guy candy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You could say I’m difficult, I probably talk too much. I over analyse and overthink things, yes, it’s a nasty crutch. I’m usually only waiting for you to stop talking, so that I can.

As in you’re not listening and not interested in what the person is saying to you? Or is this anxiety to be able to express your points?

Concerning two way streets, I have to say I’m not a fan. I don’t understand what you mean here, is it possible to explain?

It’s the lyrics to GMF by John Grant. "

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

Sorry Meli, to answer your question I think I have to say that I go with the flow.

I have no sense of doing anything specific so i just converse. I do try not to talk non stop, if that counts?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have a very good friend in Italy who I've known for years. So we have a very good friendship. Recently I've been writing a book on philosophy. I was then surprised to find my friend had just finished writing one. So I was really keen to find out what his was about.

From the moment we sat down with some good wine and started talking it immediately became clear we held completely opposite views on key issues. We each dismissed each other's philosophy as utterly naive and mistaken. But did so jokingly. Then started poking fun at the holes in each other's ideas. The evening went on late and much wine was d*unk and it was a great laugh. In the end we each learnt to respect that there were strong legitimate reasons for taking our opposing views. It's not that we agreed to disagree. We both still ended feeling the other was wrong. But we learnt to respect that the issues discussed were perhaps more complex than we'd originally thought.

One of the best discussions I've ever enjoyed. And it left us bigger friends than ever, with a deep respect for each other's minds as well as hearts

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By *osta del sol KinkytimesMan
over a year ago

Campanillas, Spain

To me the most important thing to enable a conversation to flow is to listen properly. Only then can you begin to feel what the other person is saying and be confident to be able to contribute to the conversation.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hi Meli!

I think my favourite conversations are with people who I can talk about absolutely anything with. That comfort in talking is there immediately. I don’t mirror. Not to my knowledge, anyway. I’ve always found conversation easy and talking to anyone and everyone has always come naturally.

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

"Hi Meli!

Yeayyy you're back too

You are really easy to chat to, and why isn't your name on the STP guest list?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I will consciously pick up on a thread and mirror to an extent, although I give honest input and maybe go in other directions, but when I start getting very low word answers I know we are done.....

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By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"Hi Meli!

I'm the opposite.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My greatest strength, probably not paying attention.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi Meli!

Yeayyy you're back too

You are really easy to chat to, and why isn't your name on the STP guest list?

Hello lovely!

Where have you been!?

I’m on holiday. I’m super sad! X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi Meli!

I'm the opposite."

I would’ve imagined you’re a pretty good conversationalist!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I like a bit of spark. Having a conversation with me can be like trying to get blood out of a stone.

A truly enjoyable conversation for me is one where i’m not expected to be chatty, where I can sit and listen and add my ten pence worth as and when. No pressure.

I’m more of a listener than a talker. I just pipe up with pithy comments now and then.

Not sure if I mirror.

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By *entish79Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

I think the best conversations are probably ones where it just seems effortless, where you can be chatting for hours without really noticing the time. Where it just seems to take no effort whatsoever because you really enjoy each other’s company. That could be because of shared interests, so it’s easy to both chat on the subject. Or maybe have opposing views, but get on well enough to be able to express those views without resorting to argument. And who knows, maybe even reach some common ground.

I’m probably less good at small talk and initiating conversation, but much better at bouncing stuff off others that I really get on with.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Basically I just try to shoe horn the same tired anecdotes into every conversation.

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

I find it easier to talk to women than men unless it’s a subject we’re both interested in. I can’t really do ‘small talk’ with men. I grind to a halt.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One of the best discussions I've ever enjoyed. And it left us bigger friends than ever, with a deep respect for each other's minds as well as hearts

Respecting differences is so important for me in what I think are good friends. My good friends are quite different to my mates....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I find it easier to talk to women than men unless it’s a subject we’re both interested in. I can’t really do ‘small talk’ with men. I grind to a halt. "

I find small talk quite boring it’s the opposite of what I think is a good conversation

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

"I find it easier to talk to women than men unless it’s a subject we’re both interested in. I can’t really do ‘small talk’ with men. I grind to a halt.

I find small talk quite boring it’s the opposite of what I think is a good conversation "

I spend a lot of work time with rather vacuous people so no opportunities to have a proper conversation there and busy lives all round means little opportunity for having close friends over. I’d say that’s one of the reasons I’m on fab but in reality I just like looking at photos of naked women.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I find it easier to talk to women than men unless it’s a subject we’re both interested in. I can’t really do ‘small talk’ with men. I grind to a halt.

I find small talk quite boring it’s the opposite of what I think is a good conversation

And cocks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I find it easier to talk to women than men unless it’s a subject we’re both interested in. I can’t really do ‘small talk’ with men. I grind to a halt.

I find small talk quite boring it’s the opposite of what I think is a good conversation

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Original thinking.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Respecting differences is so important for me in what I think are good friends. My good friends are quite different to my mates...."

Yeah I'm beginning to think that when I get back on the dating apps again I might set as a prerequisite that I'm only interested in dating foreign women. I love difference

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

Apologies! I started a conversation and then got distracted with others.

" I’ve never heard that quote before, that’s amazing! "

It really is, isn't it? He is another that I veri much like.

Oh Cor, you always articulate things far more easily and in a more eloquent way than I can.

I would say that the best conversations are with someone with whom you have a shared understanding or view of the world. "

Yes, they are. At the same time finding out how another thinks in a different way to you can be really fascinating and eye opening. It's kind of easy to carry on with one way of thinking but having it challenged can be good.

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

"Hello lovely!

Where have you been!?

I’m on holiday. I’m super sad! X"

RL stuff took over.

Oh no but oh yeayyy for the holiday

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

"Yes, they are. At the same time finding out how another thinks in a different way to you can be really fascinating and eye opening. It's kind of easy to carry on with one way of thinking but having it challenged can be good."

I definitely agree with you there Meli

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"I suppose we all find it easier with some folk than others ... or is that just me? I seem to be one of those people that others feel they can open up to though and I quite like that.

It's not just you Babs. I think with some people I have more of a willingness to converse with them so that makes it feel easier in turn (if that makes sense).

I do understand why people feel comfortable opening up to you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Respecting differences is so important for me in what I think are good friends. My good friends are quite different to my mates....

Yeah I'm beginning to think that when I get back on the dating apps again I might set as a prerequisite that I'm only interested in dating foreign women. I love difference

That would be a very interesting approach

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do two people need to have similar frequency/rhythm/pattern of conversational style to gel properly?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 17/07/18 21:24:28]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Do two people need to have similar frequency/rhythm/pattern of conversational style to gel properly?"

Similar or maybe compatible perhaps. More of a shared experience than a mirroring?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm not sure if you need to actually know the other person,yes I have deep debates with close friends ... but Ive also had some fantastic discussions with strangers..

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By *lenderfoxMan
over a year ago

Leeds

This is a great thread

"Do two people need to have similar frequency/rhythm/pattern of conversational style to gel properly?"

I think it definitely helps as it's a big part of how people express themselves. Whether they need to be similar i'm less certain

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By *lenderfoxMan
over a year ago

Leeds

A secondary though, the pace & rhythm of peoples live's in general is more crucial

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Do two people need to have similar frequency/rhythm/pattern of conversational style to gel properly?"

I don't. I prefer it to be unequal. The other person usually seems to like that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Do two people need to have similar frequency/rhythm/pattern of conversational style to gel properly?

I don't. I prefer it to be unequal. The other person usually seems to like that. "

Unequal how?

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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago

"Do two people need to have similar frequency/rhythm/pattern of conversational style to gel properly?"

Not necessarily similar but compatible. One can be the sort of bumbling sort, the other a shorter speech but as long as there's some sort of merging, it can work.

Whether both parties remain happy with that difference is something else I think.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think the best conversations are probably ones where it just seems effortless, where you can be chatting for hours without really noticing the time. Where it just seems to take no effort whatsoever because you really enjoy each other’s company. That could be because of shared interests, so it’s easy to both chat on the subject. Or maybe have opposing views, but get on well enough to be able to express those views without resorting to argument. And who knows, maybe even reach some common ground.

I’m probably less good at small talk and initiating conversation, but much better at bouncing stuff off others that I really get on with."

I have a friend like this. Every time we meet, the hours just fly by. We usually get kicked out because the place is closing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Do two people need to have similar frequency/rhythm/pattern of conversational style to gel properly?

I don't. I prefer it to be unequal. The other person usually seems to like that.

Unequal how? "

I'm a listener.

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By *ink Panther.Woman
over a year ago

Preston

"Do two people need to have similar frequency/rhythm/pattern of conversational style to gel properly?"

Now I’m sat here pondering this and what makes conversations I have with some better than others. I know what things I find frustrating, but I’m struggling to pinpoint what makes it stimulating enough that I would want to continue communicating with them

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