FabSwingers.com forum: I’m incredibly selfish

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

But I don’t care at the moment.

After three miscarriages alone last year, the most heartbreaking one being on my wedding day, me and my husband have stopped actively trying. If it happens, it happens.

I just found out my brother in law is having a baby with his wife.

Me and my husband haven’t spoken to them (or his parents) in over a year. They have done a lot of god awful things to us, one of the worst (but not most serious) was telling everyone I faked my miscarriage and pregnancy on my wedding day for attention. They also had her family threaten me.

I’m heartbroken. I can’t stop crying, I feel like I can’t breathe. I know I’m selfish for making this all about me, but how can I stop? That unborn baby doesn’t deserve the hatred I am feeling towards it....I’m so angry and pissed off and ugh. I know I’m an awful person, I hate myself for it and feel like I cannot moan to my ‘vanilla’ friends as I shouldn’t care...we haven’t spoken in over a year and they’re awful people. Why should it bother me?

How can I stop being so selfish and find happiness for what is clearly a joyous time for them? I can’t even find it in my heart to reply to the message they sent.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No advice, just big hugs xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *wesomepearWoman
over a year ago

Northamptonshire

I don’t know, I can’t answer any of your questions

but wanted to send you a big fat hug

(((((((Hug))))))))

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That's so sad,so sorry your going through this.. sending you a tight hug op

You look after yourself x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *_and_LCouple
over a year ago

Tamworth

So sorry to hear this. I don’t think you’re being selfish. It’s ok to be kind to yourself and do what you need to do. Especially as you’ve only just found out x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Firstly, my heart goes out to you for the loss and suffering you have been through. Life's a bitch to say the least and there seems no fairness in the world.

Secondly, you need to stop beating yourself up. You are grieving and all of those feelings are totally normal. You are being incredibly hard on yourself.

Thirdly, they want to think about the spiteful hurtful things they have said about you. You sound the better person by far here because you are actually concerned about the way you are feeling.

I wish I had some better advice that could make you instantly feel better. I hope you have good family and friends that are there for you.

As for feelings towards the baby, well don't worry too much about it now, allow yourself time and things may seem a little differently one day.

Massive hugs to you xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You're not being selfish, just hurting.

You're doing the right thing by taking time out from it... Get back to the basics and concentrate on being a couple .

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Let go of the past and then you can move forward into the future

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Firstly, I think you need to stop being so hard on yourself. You’re grieving and you need to go through the whole process to heal. When I was grieving, I felt like there was this inner voice that just wanted to be angry and scared about everything. In my head, I thought of her as my little Sister. Whenever she reared her head and I started feeling like I wasn’t strong enough to cope, I’d put my arm around her and tell her it was okay, and that we could do it.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through all that. A friend of mine had 5 miscarriages, but successfully conceived after giving up trying. Be kind to yourself. You’re not selfish, you’re just hurting.

Sending lots of love X

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you everyone

My husband recently took two months off of work as he had only just begun to grieve over it all. I was in such a bad place last year that he had to take care of me, never allowing himself time to grieve. Now this has just brought everything back up

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

whilst I know the heartbreak of having 1 miscarriage, I couldn't possibly know what you are going through having had 3...and now this news has sent you reeling... its good to cry and may possibly make you feel a bit better...big hugs to you xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"No advice, just big hugs xxx"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thank you everyone

I did a really good class called The Grief Recovery Method. You can get the book and do it at home. I really recommend it! X

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *wisted999Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

You are not selfish. You been through some very personal heartbreak three times.

You probably hate the situation not the baby.

I wish everybody involved well and you will get past this to some amazing time. Your husband sounds like a good lad.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"But I don’t care at the moment.

After three miscarriages alone last year, the most heartbreaking one being on my wedding day, me and my husband have stopped actively trying. If it happens, it happens.

I just found out my brother in law is having a baby with his wife.

How can I stop being so selfish and find happiness for what is clearly a joyous time for them? I can’t even find it in my heart to reply to the message they sent. "

Hi, I empathise and wanted to let you know that you will get through this. Remember you only go through hell, you don't stay there.

Your obvious toxic relationships do not need feeding, take time out for you. Let your husband deal with his family, get him to send a card if need be, be the bigger person, the adult in this, no matter how painful it is.

Lots of people suffer miscarriage in their first few attempts but what you can take from them is that you can conceive and it is likely to happen for you eventually and it will be the most wonderful thing for you both. How you share that is up to you two also.

This is a setback, however painful and you will be OK, you are grieving and anger is a part of that, be your own best friend and forgive yourself sweetheart.

All will be well, just give yourself time and space as a couple, to heal your heart and take a break from toxic people to allow you to do that.

Be strong. X

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you again everyone. Gonna try not think about it, but going to try not beat myself up for being so upset about it either. I’ll maybe congratulate them at some point, if I can bring myself to do it

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would not advise trying not to think about it, make it less important and acknowledge it, then move forward x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Stop being so hard on yourself, I had 1 miscarriage and 1 ectopic pregnancy and that was hard enough. You’re still grieving and what you feel is perfectly normal. You don’t feel hatred, just a longing. Sending big hugs it’s just very raw at the moment for you, it will settle x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your not selfish it's natural. I had a ectopic 14 years ago and I was so jealous when my friends were having kids and I used to get infuriated at people that were shit parents etc.

It's hard but you do get to a point where you come to terms with it. I assume you are having gynaecology input now?

I eventually chose that I didn't want another child partly because I couldn't cope with the heartbreak each month so I went onto contraception but I have one healthy son so that's where I'm lucky. I was told that I probably wouldn't fall pregnant without clomid with me having only one tube anyway but by having contraception it took that expectation each month away.

Big hugs and happy to talk privately x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Just want to thank the lovely man who just sent me abuse. No, my husband doesn’t hate me, he loves me dearly, and I love him dearly. And yes, I’m aware I’m selfish - I even titled the thread ‘I’m incredibly selfish’!

My husband has fab - give him a wee message if you feel sympathetic towards him, having to deal with my selfish ways x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"But I don’t care at the moment.

After three miscarriages alone last year, the most heartbreaking one being on my wedding day, me and my husband have stopped actively trying. If it happens, it happens.

I just found out my brother in law is having a baby with his wife.

How can I stop being so selfish and find happiness for what is clearly a joyous time for them? I can’t even find it in my heart to reply to the message they sent. "

Well first, that's such a heartbreaking story. Lots of love, OP. I've had an ex have a miscarriage on Valentines Day which felt cruel of the universe but a wedding day?? Christ. As I say - all my love.

How anyone could suggest someone would need to garner attention on their wedding day is weird.

So that said, you're feelings towards your in-laws is quite justified if they're being as mean as they are.

Can you acknowledge that the anger is about them and not their child? Maybe that can help quell these feelings you don't want.

It doesn't sound fair on you at all though.

Hope any of that helps. X

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry to read this story of stuff that happened to you and your partner.

Like everyone has said try not to be so hard on yourself I know it’s hard and i know no matter what you may still find times when you do feel angry and sad and also hate but it won’t help you or hubby.

Am glad he finally also able to grieve.

I had a friend who had miscarriage last year and to mark the even she actually held a birthday party to celebrate but also as a closure thing am not sure how if it fully helped but it was something she had read to help mark event and own it instead of being upset.

I wish you loads of happiness and send hugs an kisses during this tough time hope you feel better soon

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *riefcase_WankerMan
over a year ago

Milton Keynes

It isn't even selfish, let alone incredibly so. Though I've never had the same kind of experience, I've had friends who have and have seen the utter devastation it can cause - it can completely turn lives upside down, cause otherwise good relationships to fall apart and completely knock people for six.

What you're feeling is completely understandable, natural and is not something you should beat yourself up about - you have no obligation to them; if they could be so cruel and heartless as to level those kinds of accusations at you, and thats not even the most serious thing that they've done, then they sound completely toxic and you've done the right thing in exorcising them from your lives.

You have no duty towards them, they lost all of those privileges by acting so inhumanely, and all that you should be concerning yourself with is taking care of yourself and making sure you are in the best place you could possibly be.

Given the circumstances, that's as far away from them as possible. Don't worry about being selfish, because you're not at all - focus on being good to yourself, starting with cutting yourself a bit of slack and realising you're doing nothing wrong in the slightest.

Sorry to hear things are so hard x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thank you again everyone. Gonna try not think about it, but going to try not beat myself up for being so upset about it either. I’ll maybe congratulate them at some point, if I can bring myself to do it "

You haven't spoken to them in over a year so how did you find out about her being pregnant? You said you didn't reply to their message. They got in touch just to tell you the news?

Sorry but if that's true, get angry at them and not at yourself. That's a fucking hateful thing to do to someone they know had miscarriages! Look after each other and give your husband big hugs. xxxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP, it sounds like you've had a horrible time of it - big hugs X

Have you and your husband considered seeking some sort of counselling? It's clearly a big issue in your lives and there's no shame in seeking some help in getting your head around what has been an extremely emotional time in your life.

A good professional will help you find ways of processing those emotions, which will not only make your life more pleasant, but go some way to making sure you have a healthy and happy relationship with your new niece or nephew when they come along.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oelDorianMan
over a year ago

vanaheim

I don’t have any advice just sympathy and huge hugs x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just want to thank the lovely man who just sent me abuse. No, my husband doesn’t hate me, he loves me dearly, and I love him dearly. And yes, I’m aware I’m selfish - I even titled the thread ‘I’m incredibly selfish’!

My husband has fab - give him a wee message if you feel sympathetic towards him, having to deal with my selfish ways x"

Report the message. Don't give him another thought.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

You haven't spoken to them in over a year so how did you find out about her being pregnant? You said you didn't reply to their message. They got in touch just to tell you the news?

Sorry but if that's true, get angry at them and not at yourself. That's a fucking hateful thing to do to someone they know had miscarriages! Look after each other and give your husband big hugs. xxxx"

Callum (my husband) was blocked on Facebook by all of his family, as was I. About two months ago our sister in law unblocked us and so did his mother. But we had no contact. This afternoon his brother unblocked him and added him as a friend. We were confused, but as it’s my father in law’s birthday (each time an event or milestone comes up that we do not acknowledge we get a text message from someone in the family with abuse) we assumed he was wanting to contact us. My husband is at work and sent me a message, so I logged onto his Facebook and checked his ‘pending messages’ and found this;

‘Hi, tried to text you but you must have changed your number. Basically you’re going to be an uncle. It’s up to you if you want to be in your niece or nephews life’. Would be nice if you replied’.

They mocked us SO much after our miscarriages. Blamed me for them, said they were all my fault etc. They even did a ‘I’m pregnant!’ April’s fools day, last year and this year.

And thank you xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"OP, it sounds like you've had a horrible time of it - big hugs X

We’ve both received counselling - my husband isn’t a big ‘talker’ when it comes to how he’s feeling, so he felt like it didn’t help him too much. I went for a while and she told me I was getting a lot better in myself, so I haven’t been back in a while. I had honestly gotten to the stage where I could comfortably talk about it and we were moving past it - I’ve had both friends and family get pregnant and/or give birth within the past year and a half and although I have felt some bitterness, it is nothing compared to this xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hedevilwearspradaWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere nearby

You aren’t selfish,what you are feeling is entirely understandable, and it’s devastating.

I can absolutely relate. I remember when my big sister phoned to tell me she was pregnant, I got off the phone and cried solid for about 4 hours. My partner at the time thought someone had died and had to call my sister to find out what had happened as I couldn’t speak .When my friends got pregnant it felt like I had been stabbed in the guts, then I felt bad for feeling so jealous. I wasn’t able to hold new babies for a long time as the waves of grief crippled me.

And it seems trite at the moment, but it will get better. Well maybe not better, but different. The feelings get less overwhelming, or you become more able to deal with them. I haven’t decided which.

Against the odds, I have a child now, and I’m constantly aware how lucky I am.

You need to self care, take time for you, and for your partner. Think about counselling, just do what you need to do to begin to heal.

Sending you much love xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You haven't spoken to them in over a year so how did you find out about her being pregnant? You said you didn't reply to their message. They got in touch just to tell you the news?

Sorry but if that's true, get angry at them and not at yourself. That's a fucking hateful thing to do to someone they know had miscarriages! Look after each other and give your husband big hugs. xxxx

They mocked us SO much after our miscarriages. Blamed me for them, said they were all my fault etc. They even did a ‘I’m pregnant!’ April’s fools day, last year and this year.

And thank you xxx"

If it was me I'd block them all again and disown them. x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *wisted999Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

Knowing that they have faked a pregnancy for April fools. I would take that Facebook message for what is potentially them rubbing your face in it.

They sound toxic and not worth your time.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *exyspecs and supermanCouple
over a year ago

A house, a very big house in the country

Certainly not no.

You're human, you're grieving in your own way there are no wrong or rights in this.

Be kind to yourself.

Sending hugs x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You haven't spoken to them in over a year so how did you find out about her being pregnant? You said you didn't reply to their message. They got in touch just to tell you the news?

Sorry but if that's true, get angry at them and not at yourself. That's a fucking hateful thing to do to someone they know had miscarriages! Look after each other and give your husband big hugs. xxxx

They mocked us SO much after our miscarriages. Blamed me for them, said they were all my fault etc. They even did a ‘I’m pregnant!’ April’s fools day, last year and this year.

And thank you xxx"

I’m sorry but that just sounds awful on their part. I’ve been through stuff with my family that (as harsh as it sounds) has led to me cutting them out of my life. Negativity breeds negativity and you really don’t need people like that around you.

In terms of the miscarriages, as others have said; you’re still grieving and it’s perfectly natural to feel that, especially after how they’ve behaved towards you and your husband.

Be gentle with yourself, it’s ok to not be ok and to feel what you’re feeling. You’re not selfish for needing to focus on you or for being angry about and towards your husbands family.

Sending you hugs.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

You haven't spoken to them in over a year so how did you find out about her being pregnant? You said you didn't reply to their message. They got in touch just to tell you the news?

Sorry but if that's true, get angry at them and not at yourself. That's a fucking hateful thing to do to someone they know had miscarriages! Look after each other and give your husband big hugs. xxxx

They mocked us SO much after our miscarriages. Blamed me for them, said they were all my fault etc. They even did a ‘I’m pregnant!’ April’s fools day, last year and this year.

And thank you xxx

If it was me I'd block them all again and disown them. x"

The only time since February 2017 we have spoken to anyone in his family is when we found out his grandad died, and we went to the funeral. Even then he didn’t speak to them, although his mum did grab him and hug him. His dad is a bus driver and drives my bus home from work often - it isn’t a fun experience. What actually makes it hurt more is that his dad KNEW, and yesterday took the time to mock my new hair and call me ugly when I was on his bus. Knowing fine well that I would probably soon find out, and how I would react x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you for the hugs everyone. Think we’re going to go to the place where we spread our first baby’s ashes and discuss how we are feeling then - however, it’s at the park where we first met, which is also beside his mum and dads house. Big chance we’ll bump into them, but I feel it would help x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *a Fee VerteWoman
over a year ago

Limbo

Please don't beat yourself up over this. It's *incredibly* common for women who've had miscarriages to feel devastated and angry (and that includes me, I've had four), particularly when there's no obvious reason for it. Unfortunately, you can become incredibly sensitive around pregnant women and babies while you're still grieving ... all of a sudden the world seems full of them! And it's *really* fucking hard to see - like your sister in law - women who, frankly, are bitches and/or 'unsuitable' mothers-to-be falling just like that without any problems, women who don't 'deserve' their good fortune. So sure, you're going to feel it's completely unfair, and yes, you're probably also going to get some very mean thoughts jumping into your head which then make you feel even worse than you already do because you end up questioning your sanity and your character. Believe me, that happens even when the expectant mum is the nicest person in the world (not because you wish her harm, but because you're envious and wanting a baby, but not getting one, is a special sort of very raw, instinctive envy that's hard to control). However, in your case, when the woman in question has behaved so foully, that kind of knee jerk reaction will be compounded ....

.... if you've only just found out it's entirely understandable you feel like this. Your head's probably full of *her* and her news right now but as time goes on it will almost certainly become less important. Remember you've cut her out of your life with very good reason. She hasn't suddenly become a saint just because she's pregnant so don't feel guilty one bit if you decide not to reply to the news. I know it's 'normal' to congratulate people usually, but as you've got history, this isn't normal and I'd be concerned about putting myself in the path of more drama and nastiness if you resumed contact now. I'd hate you to expose yourself to her crowing about it all for example.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"But I don’t care at the moment.

After three miscarriages alone last year, the most heartbreaking one being on my wedding day, me and my husband have stopped actively trying. If it happens, it happens.

I just found out my brother in law is having a baby with his wife.

How can I stop being so selfish and find happiness for what is clearly a joyous time for them? I can’t even find it in my heart to reply to the message they sent. "
Hey stop harbouring the hate forgive and forget life's too short be the bigger person

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Please don't beat yourself up over this. It's *incredibly* common for women who've had miscarriages to feel devastated and angry (and that includes me, I've had four), particularly when there's no obvious reason for it. Unfortunately, you can become incredibly sensitive around pregnant women and babies while you're still grieving ... all of a sudden the world seems full of them! And it's *really* fucking hard to see - like your sister in law - women who, frankly, are bitches and/or 'unsuitable' mothers-to-be falling just like that without any problems, women who don't 'deserve' their good fortune. So sure, you're going to feel it's completely unfair, and yes, you're probably also going to get some very mean thoughts jumping into your head which then make you feel even worse than you already do because you end up questioning your sanity and your character. Believe me, that happens even when the expectant mum is the nicest person in the world (not because you wish her harm, but because you're envious and wanting a baby, but not getting one, is a special sort of very raw, instinctive envy that's hard to control). However, in your case, when the woman in question has behaved so foully, that kind of knee jerk reaction will be compounded ....

Oh I’m sorry about your four miscarriages, big hugs

And I agree, with all of what you’ve said. I keep thinking ‘oh, I’ll buy a card and pop it through to door’ but, why? The day after I got out of surgery for miscarrying our first baby we had the police at our door because of them (all stupid allegations which the police soon realised). They’re awful people, and it’s not the babies fault she/he has awful parents. I keep thinking that wow, I potentionally have a niece or nephew on the way. But I don’t want to be involved with my husbands family at all. For once, I cannot be the ‘bigger person’ and congratulate them xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Hey stop harbouring the hate forgive and forget life's too short be the bigger person

I honestly, truly wish it was that easy. I don’t like this feeling of hatred and bitterness. We promised ourselves that when the time came for them to start a family, we would try and be happy for them. But I can’t find it in my heart to do so

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *traightguy101Man
over a year ago

Darlington

Big hugs for you, really big hugs.

From experience, it can start with the tiniest gesture and snowball from there.

Wish you best of luck

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *y Favorite PornstarCouple
over a year ago

Basingstoke

If it helps, there's a whole branch of philosophy dedicated to the fundamental issue of good things happening to bad people and vice versa. If you Google "the problem of job" then you can see lot's of ways people have deeply considered this issue.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If it helps, there's a whole branch of philosophy dedicated to the fundamental issue of good things happening to bad people and vice versa. If you Google "the problem of job" then you can see lot's of ways people have deeply considered this issue. "

Oh I’ll have a look x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You haven't spoken to them in over a year so how did you find out about her being pregnant? You said you didn't reply to their message. They got in touch just to tell you the news?

Sorry but if that's true, get angry at them and not at yourself. That's a fucking hateful thing to do to someone they know had miscarriages! Look after each other and give your husband big hugs. xxxx

They mocked us SO much after our miscarriages. Blamed me for them, said they were all my fault etc. They even did a ‘I’m pregnant!’ April’s fools day, last year and this year.

And thank you xxx

If it was me I'd block them all again and disown them. x

Did other passengers hear? If he does that again, report the fucker. He shouldn't be abusing customers.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

You haven't spoken to them in over a year so how did you find out about her being pregnant? You said you didn't reply to their message. They got in touch just to tell you the news?

Sorry but if that's true, get angry at them and not at yourself. That's a fucking hateful thing to do to someone they know had miscarriages! Look after each other and give your husband big hugs. xxxx

They mocked us SO much after our miscarriages. Blamed me for them, said they were all my fault etc. They even did a ‘I’m pregnant!’ April’s fools day, last year and this year.

And thank you xxx

If it was me I'd block them all again and disown them. x

Did other passengers hear? If he does that again, report the fucker. He shouldn't be abusing customers. "

The bus I get is extremely quiet. 9 times out of 10 I’m actually the only one on the bus. Thankfully it takes me two buses to get him, the bus he usually drives I’m only on for a few minutes

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ransGuyTV/TS
over a year ago

Cardiff

You haven't spoken to them in over a year so how did you find out about her being pregnant? You said you didn't reply to their message. They got in touch just to tell you the news?

Sorry but if that's true, get angry at them and not at yourself. That's a fucking hateful thing to do to someone they know had miscarriages! Look after each other and give your husband big hugs. xxxx

They mocked us SO much after our miscarriages. Blamed me for them, said they were all my fault etc. They even did a ‘I’m pregnant!’ April’s fools day, last year and this year.

And thank you xxx

If it was me I'd block them all again and disown them. x"

I was just thinking that.

It sounds like they have been right cunts, to be frank about it. And to send a message like that, no remorse, no care, no thought about what you two have gone through or about what they put you through...

Personally I would send them a message, polite but clear, about what they have done, about the drama and hurt they have caused, about them choosing to block you, and that you do not want to be part of a "family" that treats people like that, and block the lot of them. I'd even go as far as blocking them before they have a chance to reply.

Concentrate on yourselves, they made their bed, they can lie in it. You don't need people like that in your lives. Putting your own health and mental well-being first and walking away from toxic people, although hard, can be the best thing you'll ever do.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m very sorry to hear this. Life is fucking cruel. I should imagine 5 miscarriages would knock the wind out of the strongest person. Just things slowly. Minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day.

There’ll be days when you won’t be able to face the world and that’s perfectly fine but just know that you will get through this. Not today, not tomorrow but soon.

Big hugs from a complete stranger up North xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If it was me I'd block them all again and disown them. x

I was just thinking that.

We’ve done all of this. We gave them an extremely clear explanation when we cut them off as to why. We never blocked them in case something happened (I.e a family member dying) and to be honest, we really expected an apology. In no way am I saying we are totally innocent, but my worst crime was slagging them off on Facebook after this (they put screenshots of conversations we had on Facebook out of context). We apologised for our actions but we haven’t received any sort of apology. His mum actually had the balls to send us a letter a year ago saying what awful people we are for cutting her off, she makes herself sick and we should get over ourselves and move on. We haven’t had a ‘normal’ ‘friendly’ conversation with his parents, or brother and sister-in-law since January 2017. X

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *a Fee VerteWoman
over a year ago

Limbo

Oh I’m sorry about your four miscarriages, big hugs

Trust me, there are some situations in life where being the 'bigger person' would be detrimental to your mental well being and you just have to put yourself first. I've been no contact with a close relative for several years due to perpetual spite, lies, shit stirring etc and yes, if you look at the much bigger picture, I guess it's sad that I also don't have a relationship with subsequent, innocent kids (because to do so I'd have had to expose myself to their toxic parent) but I wasn't prepared to sacrifice myself. The advantages of any connection to those children would have been far outweighed by the disadvantages of keeping in touch with the parent. Keep telling yourself you 'can't choose your family'- that means you don't have to put up with being bullied.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hey stop harbouring the hate forgive and forget life's too short be the bigger person

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Hey stop harbouring the hate forgive and forget life's too short be the bigger person

But I don’t want to be. (Oh and I won’t be, sister in law has two sisters haha). Being in contact with that innocent child means being in contact with the child’s parents - something I can’t do.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ransGuyTV/TS
over a year ago

Cardiff

"If it was me I'd block them all again and disown them. x

I was just thinking that.

Knowing what they are like, do you really want to be part of that "family"? It doesn't sound like they bring you any joy, more like bring out the worse in you

Life is too short to waste on people like that.

They will always have a problem with you no matter what you do, so do what benefits you, that's not selfish, that's sensible.

Plus stress isn't a good thing, it puts strain on you guys, and your body... so if you leave them with a way to contact and get to you, they can bring back stress. Just imagine if you were to get pregnant, and they knew, how would they react and treat you? Not with kindness I bet! With stress more like!

Leave them behind to twist themselves further into the bitter people they sound like, keep your head up and keep moving forward x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hey stop harbouring the hate forgive and forget life's too short be the bigger person

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If it was me I'd block them all again and disown them. x

I was just thinking that.

Knowing what they are like, do you really want to be part of that "family"? It doesn't sound like they bring you any joy, more like bring out the worse in you

Life is too short to waste on people like that.

They will always have a problem with you no matter what you do, so do what benefits you, that's not selfish, that's sensible.

Leave them behind to twist themselves further into the bitter people they sound like, keep your head up and keep moving forward x"

I agree with this. Sometimes, for your own happiness and health, you just have to step away.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Hugs xxx ...I can't even begin to imagine what I would do in your position... Just offering love and hugs for you xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If it was me I'd block them all again and disown them. x

I was just thinking that.

Knowing what they are like, do you really want to be part of that "family"? It doesn't sound like they bring you any joy, more like bring out the worse in you

Life is too short to waste on people like that.

They will always have a problem with you no matter what you do, so do what benefits you, that's not selfish, that's sensible.

Leave them behind to twist themselves further into the bitter people they sound like, keep your head up and keep moving forward x

I agree with this. Sometimes, for your own happiness and health, you just have to step away."

I agree. The amounts of stress they were causing us was unreal - my husband is epileptic and his seizures are stress induced. Even if it isn’t just for mental health, it’s for his overall health. I think we’re going to block them all again - god forbid anyone did die or something major happened, they know where we work and live and can come find us if need be. I appreciate everyone’s kind words

xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Hey stop harbouring the hate forgive and forget life's too short be the bigger person

I’m not sad about that. I’d rather not be in any toxic relationships that will affect my husband and I’s mental heath. But I can totally understand why it seems that way

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hey stop harbouring the hate forgive and forget life's too short be the bigger person

Until they decide to stop the seeing the kid. After they've got attached of course. Sounds like they wouldn't think twice about using a child as a weapon. Cut them off, start fresh somewhere new and don't look back. Concentrate on your future together and hopefully with a child of your own some day.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

please don't feel bad.this wasn't your fault.we are human beings after all.as for your friends.real friends don't judge.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *riefcase_WankerMan
over a year ago

Milton Keynes

The more detail you give, the more it sounds like this decision is not only not selfish, but eminently sensible from a self-preservation point of view.

Nothing good can come from having people like that in your life, they sound like really horrible nasty pieces of work

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eeBee67Man
over a year ago

Masked and Distant

My heart goes out to you and your hubby.

We were and still are devastated at the one miscarriage we had 10 years ago.

I think you need to distance yourself from these people even if they are flesh and blood. No-one should behave the way they have towards anyone who is having a terrible time. I wouldn't waste your time feeling anything towards them. I'm sure you and hubbys life's would be better without them in it.

Feel free to take as many hugs as you wish (((((((((((hug))))))))))

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hello everyone, I’m the husband of OP and I just want to thank you all for you’re kind messages of support and the advice which you have given! All have been very much appreciated, it took a lot for me to cut off my family and tbh was the best thing I ever did to make myself and my wife happy! And I plan on carrying on living our lives the happiest I can! Sending everyone hugs back who have given them!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Hello everyone, I’m the husband of OP and I just want to thank you all for you’re kind messages of support and the advice which you have given! All have been very much appreciated, it took a lot for me to cut off my family and tbh was the best thing I ever did to make myself and my wife happy! And I plan on carrying on living our lives the happiest I can! Sending everyone hugs back who have given them! "

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Big hugs. I’m humbled by your strength

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *elma and ShaggyCouple
over a year ago

Bedworth

Hugs xx

You’re not selfish, you’re grieving!

You’ve been to hell and back and have every right to feel the way you do, it’s all part of the grieving process.

My ex husband and I endured 8 miscarriages, 2 years of unexplained secondary infertility and then we we’re rejected when we tried to adopt because of a credit card debt accrued at age 19. There were times when I was so upset I didn’t leave the house for a couple of weeks, times when I was incredibly angry with everyone and everything, times when I just wanted to disappear and never come back, times when I never thought I’d ever be happy again, times when I got violent thoughts when I saw pregnant women in the street (particular if they were smoking). There were many times when I was suicidal too. I deleted Facebook friends because I couldn’t bear seeing pregnancy updates and have lost count of how many friends I turned my back on and haven’t spoken to for years. Ultimately, what my ex husband and I went through destroyed our marriage and also nearly destroyed me in the process.

Counselling is invaluable if you can get it. I didn’t have any throughout all I went through and I ended up with ptsd as a result.

Most of all, never feel bad for grieving the loss of your much loved and wanted babies.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Hugs xx

You’re not selfish, you’re grieving!

You’ve been to hell and back and have every right to feel the way you do, it’s all part of the grieving process.

Counselling is invaluable if you can get it. I didn’t have any throughout all I went through and I ended up with ptsd as a result.

Most of all, never feel bad for grieving the loss of your much loved and wanted babies.

Oh honey I’m so sorry

I ended up staying off work for four months, and never actually went back (I worked with babies at this point and just couldn’t face it). I deleted Facebook, Twitter etc for a while too, and barely left the house for the four months I was off work. I still ‘unfollow’ people on Facebook when they announce their pregnancy as I don’t want to know, I find it difficult and I’m spiteful but I don’t want to be xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Big hugs to you both. I don't think I can offer any advice, but big hugs. Having to cut toxic people out of your life for your own sake is never ever your fault. Xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Just found out one of my closest friends is pregnant. Feels like it’s literally everyone but me. Yay!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just found out one of my closest friends is pregnant. Feels like it’s literally everyone but me. Yay!

Oh sweetheart it just feels that way. It’s hard when you want something that bad and everywhere you look you see or hear of pregnancies. Big ((((hugs)))) x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Just found out one of my closest friends is pregnant. Feels like it’s literally everyone but me. Yay!

Oh sweetheart it just feels that way. It’s hard when you want something that bad and everywhere you look you see or hear of pregnancies. Big ((((hugs)))) x "

I know fab totally isn’t the place to moan but man I’m just hating myself currently

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sending hugs xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Sending hugs xxx"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *innamon!Woman
over a year ago

no matter

I have seen you mention this many times over your time on Fabs, Heartbreaking always to miscarry

To miscarry on such a meaningful day must seem insurmountable in terms of memory, what should have been a joyous day. I am so sorry that happened to you.

I feel you really have not dealt with all this and think it would be a really good idea to talk with Doctor and get some councilling or bereavement help.

I dont think you are managing well and each time the anniversary comes round I think you will break down.

Please seek some help and dont beat yourself up about the way you feel. xx.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just found out one of my closest friends is pregnant. Feels like it’s literally everyone but me. Yay!

Oh sweetheart it just feels that way. It’s hard when you want something that bad and everywhere you look you see or hear of pregnancies. Big ((((hugs)))) x

I know fab totally isn’t the place to moan but man I’m just hating myself currently

It’s totally the place, lots of us have been through similar things so we understand or at least sympathise. And don’t hate yourself, your feelings are perfectly natural and not one of us wouldn’t feel the same in your shoes. Be kind to yourself it’s the situation you hate not the person x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A very similar thing happened a good few years ago with me. So can understand your emotions. I feel you torment and it's very hard when other people tell you their good news when inside you are hurting so much. It's horrible. I hope that you will have your own news to tell very soon.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *SAchickWoman
over a year ago

Hillside desolate

It's not at all selfish, I can't offer any practical advice really other than tell you I've been in a similar position and it does get better. You seem like a nice person, give yourself a break, it's OK to feel the way you do.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you everyone, I know it’ll get better and hopefully one day it’ll all work out for me but just feels like it never will at this point. Trying to think logically. Got the doctors booked for Wednesday to talk about how I’m feeling so that will hopefully help a bit.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Please speak to Sands.

They will help you to move forward xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thank you everyone, I know it’ll get better and hopefully one day it’ll all work out for me but just feels like it never will at this point. Trying to think logically. Got the doctors booked for Wednesday to talk about how I’m feeling so that will hopefully help a bit.

Its a good idea to go to the doctors, hopefully they can offer help xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread