FabSwingers.com forum: Empathy and arguing

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

“The cause of arguments and fights is lack of mutual, empathic understanding. When empathy is not engaged, then people revert to a self-protective mode and become judgmental.

So here’s the rule: You are not allowed to say a word about any possible solution until you have a thorough understanding of the other person’s feelings and feel equally understood by them. Until then, you have to keep working towards that understanding.

People are often not used to understanding their own feelings and would rather fix a problem than understand feelings. It’s not always easy to really engage in empathy.

We all want to be understood. When you really feel that you understand the other person and they understand you, then it is completely natural to be willing to give and take. In fact, the bottom line becomes easy rather than hard. A happy compromise becomes quite obvious.”

(PT)

Do you agree and apply the above rule? Are you really skilled in empathising, or selective in who you engage in it with? What was the last fight you had? Could you do something to show someone better understanding today?

Would this work in the (Politics) forum? Do you enjoy arguing?

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Yes . No dunno no no yes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Someone who he is saying or underlying that certain races are not humans do not deserve my empathy.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Yes . No dunno no no yes

Wonderfully succinct

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Someone who he is saying or underlying that certain races are not humans do not deserve my empathy. "

Okay, (and not specifically opening up that conversation or actual content), and wholly staying on your own self reflection at the time - did you follow the rule to really understand the other person?

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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago

Craggy Island

"“The cause of arguments and fights is lack of mutual, empathic understanding. When empathy is not engaged, then people revert to a self-protective mode and become judgmental.

People are often not used to understanding their own feelings and would rather fix a problem than understand feelings. It’s not always easy to really engage in empathy.

(PT)

Would this work in the (Politics) forum? Do you enjoy arguing?

You can't argue or empathize if people ain't prepared to listen "women thinking they know what a man is thinking and feeling" and visa versa

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My problem is being extremely empathetic. It means I'm rubbish at arguing, feel everyone's pain and have to avoid confrontation.

I felt sorry for the woman who my husband had a long affair with, even though she was supposed to be a friend and didn't give a shit about me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't think we can ever fully understand the other person.

Everyone seems to love arguing. Every advert for soaps seem to have people falling out or shouting at each other.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Someone who he is saying or underlying that certain races are not humans do not deserve my empathy. "

I would wonder what makes them think that way and feel for them, that they have those thoughts in their minds.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I try to be that way with everybody, but there are particular topics and buttons that people press which really bring out the intolerant in me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can’t argue rationally. If i’m annoyed or Passionate about something then a red mist descends and i say what i think whether it’s irrational or not.

I have to be left alone so i can rationalise my thoughts and feelings and think things over and then either apologise or just become super stubborn. I tend to empathise and see both points after, which is when i go back and discuss, more calmly, more reasonably.

That’s why i don’t go into the Politics forum, i’d be cooling off every other post!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it's an excellent rule. But I'd only want to apply it with people who I think would appreciate it by either responding in kind or feeling better in some way. And I'd rarely apply it on Fab.

I don't need understanding by anyone I don't care about. I don't need validation from people that don't care about me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Someone who he is saying or underlying that certain races are not humans do not deserve my empathy.

Oh of course they might be underlying causes for that person to be the way it is but in any cases it is an excuses to think superior due to your skin colour or races or national identity. And I have no empathy for those types of person.

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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago

I can empathise with people and do. I try to put myself in that persons position, turn the tables if you like, to see things from their perspective. It helps to understand.

As far as arguing goes though, I see little point. Having sly digs at people, being confrontational, argumentative, these are not my traits and nor do I want them to be. That is probably self preservation because I know that arguing would make me an unhappy person.

I can’t remember the last time I had an argument. Disagreement yes, but it was resolved.

Whatever I am doing or the way I am being works for me and always has.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

You can't argue or empathize if people ain't prepared to listen "women thinking they know what a man is thinking and feeling" and visa versa "

You can’t empathise if people aren’t prepared to listen? Is that true?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My problem is being extremely empathetic. It means I'm rubbish at arguing, feel everyone's pain and have to avoid confrontation.

I felt sorry for the woman who my husband had a long affair with, even though she was supposed to be a friend and didn't give a shit about me. "

Yes, that absorption of everything is incredibly overwhelming.

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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago

Craggy Island

You can't argue or empathize if people ain't prepared to listen "women thinking they know what a man is thinking and feeling" and visa versa

You can’t empathise if people aren’t prepared to listen? Is that true?"

One person always wants to be right were the compromise

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A lot of people argue because they don't PROPERLY listen.

They HEAR what you're saying yet they don't really LISTEN so argue because of what they THINK they heard.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I definitely think it’s worth trying to understand why a person has certain feelings or opinions. It’s easy to get defensive... I do it. There are plenty of people who can’t properly debate on here and resort to calling something “nonsense” if it doesn’t fit their idea.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don't think we can ever fully understand the other person.

Everyone seems to love arguing. Every advert for soaps seem to have people falling out or shouting at each other.

Nods, sometimes one can be enjoying an argument (in terms of discursive, maybe heated debate) and getting the adrenaline kick and still learning new things and it being in their healthy range, whilst it isn’t for someone else. Sometimes people are just cunty awful too. And whilst we may not fully understand another person, perhaps it’s in the effort or trying that we gain benefit (we can still disagree).

Perhaps the issue is sometimes people don’t understand themselves. We all have a bit of a blind spot, even those that have worked on learning themselves.

I don’t freaking understand myself most of the time.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I try to be that way with everybody, but there are particular topics and buttons that people press which really bring out the intolerant in me

Yes. This for me too.

I have that thing of the action of tolerating intolerance not being acceptable, and ... well, you know.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

I am very selective in who I engage with now - I used to adore arguing for arguments sake and relish in being right but now I can't be arsed. I avoid those posts or threads where they attempt to be controversial (the majority of time).

I do try and understand where people come from with their viewpoints but it's difficult at times.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I can’t argue rationally. If i’m annoyed or Passionate about something then a red mist descends and i say what i think whether it’s irrational or not.

That’s why i don’t go into the Politics forum, i’d be cooling off every other post!

The capacity to come back, to reconnect and grow after the event is so powerful, apologising not necessarily for your different opinion, but your dischargement of it, yes.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think it's an excellent rule. But I'd only want to apply it with people who I think would appreciate it by either responding in kind or feeling better in some way. And I'd rarely apply it on Fab.

I don't need understanding by anyone I don't care about. I don't need validation from people that don't care about me."

These are fair points, and I have to agree I’m being more boundaried about who I don’t choose to engage with here as self-preservation. Not that that was what you were saying, just made me think.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd like to say I could walk a mile in a racists shoes,and understand were they are coming from but I can't ...they stink.

I have zero tolerance for them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The last 'fight'i had was with someone who had no empathy or understanding of my situation..it wasn't a proper fight, nor even much of an arguement.. i just decided they were not worthy of my understanding and withdrew contact... we didn't speak for 5 months but we are now in contact again...sisters eh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'd like to say I could walk a mile in a racists shoes,and understand were they are coming from but I can't ...they stink.

I have zero tolerance for them.

Same here.

I mean it is obvious that it is a learnt attitude but at some point they have to face their stupidity...

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Someone who he is saying or underlying that certain races are not humans do not deserve my empathy.

That’s not really what I asked.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"“The cause of arguments and fights is lack of mutual, empathic understanding. When empathy is not engaged, then people revert to a self-protective mode and become judgmental.

People are often not used to understanding their own feelings and would rather fix a problem than understand feelings. It’s not always easy to really engage in empathy.

(PT)

Would this work in the (Politics) forum? Do you enjoy arguing?

I’m very empathetic and always try to see the other persons point of view, but I’m realising that it’s getting to be detrimental to me. I read a lot of the arguments on here and even though I have a very valid opinion I’m scrolling past while screaming out in my head that they’ve got it totally wrong. I can’t remember the last argument I had, I’m not an argumentative person but I will stand up for what I believe in.

As for the politics forum, I think it’s more tolerance than understanding that’s needed x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I find arguments are caused primarily by stupidity

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Someone who he is saying or underlying that certain races are not humans do not deserve my empathy.

That’s not really what I asked.

By my reply do I look like I follow the rule to really understand how a person is racist, even after presenting evidence of this non sense or put myself in the shoes of a person who r*pe children and claiming it is love....?

It depends on the situation but there are things I CANNOT, it is like physically, mentally and intellectually impossible for me to empathise about.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I can empathise with people and do. I try to put myself in that persons position, turn the tables if you like, to see things from their perspective. It helps to understand.

I can’t remember the last time I had an argument. Disagreement yes, but it was resolved.

Whatever I am doing or the way I am being works for me and always has. "

That’s wholesome and to be applauded. Don’t you ever slip? I’ve not met anyone that can hold the intent completely.

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple
over a year ago

Basingstoke

If a person is saying something that sounds like an opinion they've reached themselves, then I'm considerably more likely to consider why they feel like that. Compared to people who just parrot ideological sound bites. In the latter case, i feel like i already know why people take comfort in ideologies that promise simply solutions to complex problems, there isn't much to understand in that respect.

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By *ubiousOatcakeMan
over a year ago

Aberdeenshire

"Someone who he is saying or underlying that certain races are not humans do not deserve my empathy.

When you know that the other person has no empathy, it’s difficult to empathise with them. There’s nothing coming the other way to latch onto, like trying to attach Velcro to glass.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

You can't argue or empathize if people ain't prepared to listen "women thinking they know what a man is thinking and feeling" and visa versa

You can’t empathise if people aren’t prepared to listen? Is that true?

One person always wants to be right were the compromise "

It takes two people to be in conflict, one to break it. But my question was as I don’t think I agree that you can’t empathise with someone even if they’re not listening to you.

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By *iamondCougarWoman
over a year ago

Norfuck! / Lincolnshire

"I try to be that way with everybody, but there are particular topics and buttons that people press which really bring out the intolerant in me

I agree! My tolerance level is extremely low! And sometimes it shows

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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago

All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest

As far as fab is concerned I steer well clear of politically energised topics like it was Ebola!

I use this platform for enjoyment and discussion about what brings us here to one extent or another, and that is sex.

People tend to be judgemental, dismissive, and sometimes openly hostile to those with different opinions that go against the general consensus, particularly if someone espouses views that are deemed more conservative.

If I want to debate the finer points of politics, religion or morality, there are better platforms out there for this than fab. Here I want it fun, clean and simple

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A lot of people argue because they don't PROPERLY listen.

They HEAR what you're saying yet they don't really LISTEN so argue because of what they THINK they heard."

NODS.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I definitely think it’s worth trying to understand why a person has certain feelings or opinions. It’s easy to get defensive... I do it. There are plenty of people who can’t properly debate on here and resort to calling something “nonsense” if it doesn’t fit their idea. "

Nonsense!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I am very selective in who I engage with now - I used to adore arguing for arguments sake and relish in being right but now I can't be arsed. I avoid those posts or threads where they attempt to be controversial (the majority of time).

I do try and understand where people come from with their viewpoints but it's difficult at times."

It is. Especially on emotive subjects or topics where we have lived experience on aspects of it. To hold onto the authenticity of your experience and still have room to recognise that it can be wildly different for someone else is really hard.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'd like to say I could walk a mile in a racists shoes,and understand were they are coming from but I can't ...they stink.

I have zero tolerance for them.

I have zero tolerance for their racism, not for them.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The last 'fight'i had was with someone who had no empathy or understanding of my situation..it wasn't a proper fight, nor even much of an arguement.. i just decided they were not worthy of my understanding and withdrew contact... we didn't speak for 5 months but we are now in contact again...sisters eh

Siblings, family, partners. Yep

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

Cant be arsed anymore on here. In real life i have no idea when i last had an argument

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'd like to say I could walk a mile in a racists shoes,and understand were they are coming from but I can't ...they stink.

I have zero tolerance for them.

I have zero tolerance for their racism, not for them."

Therefore you can separate people from them actions?

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple
over a year ago

Basingstoke

"As far as fab is concerned I steer well clear of politically energised topics like it was Ebola!

I use this platform for enjoyment and discussion about what brings us here to one extent or another, and that is sex.

If I want to debate the finer points of politics, religion or morality, there are better platforms out there for this than fab. Here I want it fun, clean and simple

Yes, fab doesn't have features like upvoting of good answers / linking to previous answers or many users who search previous questions!

However, it can be nice to drop into a thread, block the people talking absolute crap, look at some boobies and get out again. Although sometimes one gets sucked into the debate

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's pretty difficult to feel any empathy for people who are wilfully ignorant

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"“The cause of arguments and fights is lack of mutual, empathic understanding. When empathy is not engaged, then people revert to a self-protective mode and become judgmental.

People are often not used to understanding their own feelings and would rather fix a problem than understand feelings. It’s not always easy to really engage in empathy.

(PT)

Would this work in the (Politics) forum? Do you enjoy arguing?

As for the politics forum, I think it’s more tolerance than understanding that’s needed x "

I wholeheartedly agree on the need for some personal protective boundaries, rather than letting it all hit you. I’ve fallen foul of that a fair number of times!

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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago

"I can empathise with people and do. I try to put myself in that persons position, turn the tables if you like, to see things from their perspective. It helps to understand.

I can’t remember the last time I had an argument. Disagreement yes, but it was resolved.

Whatever I am doing or the way I am being works for me and always has.

That’s wholesome and to be applauded. Don’t you ever slip? I’ve not met anyone that can hold the intent completely. "

I have had arguments at points in my life but that’s how I have the opinions I have now. Life is short and I don’t want friction with people, therefore I either don’t engage or I step away.

Some people don’t necessarily want to find a solution, common ground. I can listen and accept I have a different point of view but I won’t argue the point or try to change the opinion of others. I do try to acknowledge where the other person is coming from, even if I don’t agree with them. I can usually tell if someone is just spoiling for a fight or trying to brow beat people into having the same opinion. I choose not to engage in those scenarios. I choose who I engage with on here and in real life.

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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago

All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest

"As far as fab is concerned I steer well clear of politically energised topics like it was Ebola!

I use this platform for enjoyment and discussion about what brings us here to one extent or another, and that is sex.

If I want to debate the finer points of politics, religion or morality, there are better platforms out there for this than fab. Here I want it fun, clean and simple

Yes, fab doesn't have features like upvoting of good answers / linking to previous answers or many users who search previous questions!

However, it can be nice to drop into a thread, block the people talking absolute crap, look at some boobies and get out again. Although sometimes one gets sucked into the debate

I briefly did that but it is easy to get sucked into a debate that spirals out of control and just upsets you. I'd rather perv on other threads

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple
over a year ago

Basingstoke

"As far as fab is concerned I steer well clear of politically energised topics like it was Ebola!

I use this platform for enjoyment and discussion about what brings us here to one extent or another, and that is sex.

If I want to debate the finer points of politics, religion or morality, there are better platforms out there for this than fab. Here I want it fun, clean and simple

Yes, fab doesn't have features like upvoting of good answers / linking to previous answers or many users who search previous questions!

However, it can be nice to drop into a thread, block the people talking absolute crap, look at some boobies and get out again. Although sometimes one gets sucked into the debate

I briefly did that but it is easy to get sucked into a debate that spirals out of control and just upsets you. I'd rather perv on other threads

I try to stick to the swinging forum, but sometimes it gets clogged up with mundane crap like "who likes x" followed by 177 replies of "yes". Or the ever reoccurring "how can i get my wife/ girlfriend / pretend girlfriend to swing?" Threads and then i pop up to the lounge to see if anyone has anything better to discuss.

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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago

All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest

"As far as fab is concerned I steer well clear of politically energised topics like it was Ebola!

I use this platform for enjoyment and discussion about what brings us here to one extent or another, and that is sex.

If I want to debate the finer points of politics, religion or morality, there are better platforms out there for this than fab. Here I want it fun, clean and simple

Yes, fab doesn't have features like upvoting of good answers / linking to previous answers or many users who search previous questions!

However, it can be nice to drop into a thread, block the people talking absolute crap, look at some boobies and get out again. Although sometimes one gets sucked into the debate

I briefly did that but it is easy to get sucked into a debate that spirals out of control and just upsets you. I'd rather perv on other threads

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"“

As for the politics forum, I think it’s more tolerance than understanding that’s needed x

I wholeheartedly agree on the need for some personal protective boundaries, rather than letting it all hit you. I’ve fallen foul of that a fair number of times! "

Yes, especially the last few days the forums have been very angry. I’m trying to be more mindful of my own mental health. X

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple
over a year ago

Basingstoke

"“

As for the politics forum, I think it’s more tolerance than understanding that’s needed x

I wholeheartedly agree on the need for some personal protective boundaries, rather than letting it all hit you. I’ve fallen foul of that a fair number of times!

Yes, especially the last few days the forums have been very angry. I’m trying to be more mindful of my own mental health. X "

Really? You should have been here the day after the Brexit vote! They ended up having to make a new forum section to control the damage.

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By *ink Panther.Woman
over a year ago

Preston

I’m not answering the OP here but thinking out loud. We were given 2 ears and 1 mouth. However when listening to things that you already have a fixed view on most would only use one ear. This somewhat dilutes any available empathy and will make reaching a solution more lengthy. This is especially true when you feel hurt by the situation that’s caused a disagreement. Some also aren’t quite so good at communicating what they really mean, another obstacle. They think they’re being empathetic when in fact they’re making the situation worse. Not easy this empathy thing is it?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Sorry all, had to Skype. Back now.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I find arguments are caused primarily by stupidity "

I don’t know that I agree with that. It’s an easy thing to say though.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Someone who he is saying or underlying that certain races are not humans do not deserve my empathy.

That’s not really what I asked.

It depends on the situation but there are things I CANNOT, it is like physically, mentally and intellectually impossible for me to empathise about. "

Empathy isn’t agreeing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I find arguments are caused primarily by stupidity

I don’t know that I agree with that. It’s an easy thing to say though."

I’d say that arguments are primarily caused by two opposing view points and are perpetuated by not being able to reconcile those view points. Stupidity rarely has anything to do with it in my experience

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If a person is saying something that sounds like an opinion they've reached themselves, then I'm considerably more likely to consider why they feel like that. Compared to people who just parrot ideological sound bites. In the latter case, i feel like i already know why people take comfort in ideologies that promise simply solutions to complex problems, there isn't much to understand in that respect. "

I guess it depends if it’s on a subject where you’d like them to better understand your view and why - you may well understand why they take comfort in an ideology (if, if you’re right and that’s what’s happening) however, you won’t have helped them feel heard enough to start listening to your view if you don’t engage in the demonstrative actions of empathy, perhaps.

Not that I’m not saying there are times that perhaps there’s no point. I’m just thinking out loud after all.

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By *tonMessCouple
over a year ago

Slough Windsor ish

I try to apply the rule at all times, not to avoid confrontation but simply because I try to see situations from all angles before taking my own stance.

I believe empathy and tolerance are far too little used. The world would be a far kinder place if we all showed a little more of empathy and tolerance.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Someone who he is saying or underlying that certain races are not humans do not deserve my empathy.

When you know that the other person has no empathy, it’s difficult to empathise with them. There’s nothing coming the other way to latch onto, like trying to attach Velcro to glass."

How do you know the other person has no empathy? People can mask what’s going on for them (or be unaware) really well. They’re still people.

It’s not very common that people have zero empathy, clinically.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I try to be that way with everybody, but there are particular topics and buttons that people press which really bring out the intolerant in me

I agree! My tolerance level is extremely low! And sometimes it shows

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"As far as fab is concerned I steer well clear of politically energised topics like it was Ebola!

I use this platform for enjoyment and discussion about what brings us here to one extent or another, and that is sex.

If I want to debate the finer points of politics, religion or morality, there are better platforms out there for this than fab. Here I want it fun, clean and simple

Are you saying everyone should just chill out, Chillout?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Cant be arsed anymore on here. In real life i have no idea when i last had an argument"

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

Perhaps the issue is sometimes people don’t understand themselves. We all have a bit of a blind spot, even those that have worked on learning themselves.

Does this mean if someone doesn't understand your views because you hadn't made them clear enough that they are the ones to blame as they don't understand themselves?

( you as in a person )

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By *isaB45Woman
over a year ago

Fabville

My brain is now addled

Let's just be kind to eachother...

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'd like to say I could walk a mile in a racists shoes,and understand were they are coming from but I can't ...they stink.

I have zero tolerance for them.

I have zero tolerance for their racism, not for them.

Therefore you can separate people from them actions?

It’s not easy. But yes, shouldn’t we do exactly this? Im. I’m not saying not to hold someone accountable, to agree or applaud or accept, but I’m talking about how to get to a better resolution (the opening post was talking about empathy as a means to resolve conflict). There’s a nuanced difference in abhorring behaviour or the person, I’m not saying I’d like the person that displayed those behaviours though. I’m saying I’d tolerate that their racist behaviour which I don’t tolerate is not necessarily the entirety of them as a person and hope that there is the potential for change through trying to understand what their issue is.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It's pretty difficult to feel any empathy for people who are wilfully ignorant "

It is. I wonder how they got there though.

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple
over a year ago

Basingstoke

Perhaps the issue is sometimes people don’t understand themselves. We all have a bit of a blind spot, even those that have worked on learning themselves.

)

Does this mean if someone doesn't understand your views because you hadn't made them clear enough that they are the ones to blame as they don't understand themselves?

( you as in a person )"

Excellent question. The answer is a well studied cultural phenomenon. In our culture, we expect 'experts' to be able to explain things to non-experts. In cultures like eastern europe and China, the expectation is that an untrained person would lack the capacity to understand everything the expert is saying.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I can empathise with people and do. I try to put myself in that persons position, turn the tables if you like, to see things from their perspective. It helps to understand.

I can’t remember the last time I had an argument. Disagreement yes, but it was resolved.

Whatever I am doing or the way I am being works for me and always has.

That’s wholesome and to be applauded. Don’t you ever slip? I’ve not met anyone that can hold the intent completely.

I have had arguments at points in my life but that’s how I have the opinions I have now. Life is short and I don’t want friction with people, therefore I either don’t engage or I step away.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I’m not answering the OP here but thinking out loud. We were given 2 ears and 1 mouth. However when listening to things that you already have a fixed view on most would only use one ear. This somewhat dilutes any available empathy and will make reaching a solution more lengthy. This is especially true when you feel hurt by the situation that’s caused a disagreement. Some also aren’t quite so good at communicating what they really mean, another obstacle. They think they’re being empathetic when in fact they’re making the situation worse. Not easy this empathy thing is it?

Word.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I find arguments are caused primarily by stupidity

I don’t know that I agree with that. It’s an easy thing to say though.

I feel the same.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I try to apply the rule at all times, not to avoid confrontation but simply because I try to see situations from all angles before taking my own stance.

I believe empathy and tolerance are far too little used. The world would be a far kinder place if we all showed a little more of empathy and tolerance."

Yes.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Perhaps the issue is sometimes people don’t understand themselves. We all have a bit of a blind spot, even those that have worked on learning themselves.

)

Does this mean if someone doesn't understand your views because you hadn't made them clear enough that they are the ones to blame as they don't understand themselves?

( you as in a person )"

No. I don’t think that’s what I meant at all.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

"It's pretty difficult to feel any empathy for people who are wilfully ignorant

It is. I wonder how they got there though."

Who decided they were ignorant? Was it because they didn't agree with a popular view?

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

Perhaps the issue is sometimes people don’t understand themselves. We all have a bit of a blind spot, even those that have worked on learning themselves.

)

Does this mean if someone doesn't understand your views because you hadn't made them clear enough that they are the ones to blame as they don't understand themselves?

( you as in a person )

No. I don’t think that’s what I meant at all."

Right ok

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My brain is now addled

Let's just be kind to eachother..."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Perhaps the issue is sometimes people don’t understand themselves. We all have a bit of a blind spot, even those that have worked on learning themselves.

)

Does this mean if someone doesn't understand your views because you hadn't made them clear enough that they are the ones to blame as they don't understand themselves?

( you as in a person )

Ahhh a bit like Dunning Kruger?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It's pretty difficult to feel any empathy for people who are wilfully ignorant

It is. I wonder how they got there though.

Who decided they were ignorant? Was it because they didn't agree with a popular view?"

Exactly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's pretty difficult to feel any empathy for people who are wilfully ignorant

It is. I wonder how they got there though."

I don't. And I don't care much either.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's pretty difficult to feel any empathy for people who are wilfully ignorant

It is. I wonder how they got there though.

Who decided they were ignorant? Was it because they didn't agree with a popular view?"

On here its usually the opposite

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Perhaps the issue is sometimes people don’t understand themselves. We all have a bit of a blind spot, even those that have worked on learning themselves.

)

Does this mean if someone doesn't understand your views because you hadn't made them clear enough that they are the ones to blame as they don't understand themselves?

( you as in a person )

No. I don’t think that’s what I meant at all.

Right ok"

I was just (at that moment) thinking that if the rule (from the article) is saying seek to understand the other’s viewpoint, how that can be clouded if the person being asked isn’t really yet sure of what their point is! I was just thinking in my life of when I’ve been in conflict, and someone has taken time to stop and get to grips with what I’m saying and then I’ve realised that I don’t know or hadn’t clued in yet to what was really going on for me to be in that state.

Not sure if that will make sense!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Perhaps the issue is sometimes people don’t understand themselves. We all have a bit of a blind spot, even those that have worked on learning themselves.

)

Does this mean if someone doesn't understand your views because you hadn't made them clear enough that they are the ones to blame as they don't understand themselves?

( you as in a person )

No. I don’t think that’s what I meant at all.

Right ok

Not sure if that will make sense! "

Perfect sense. It only works though if somebody is open to discussion, a lot are totally fixed in their views and won't entertain the possibility that there might be other ways of seeing it.

Sometimes too, people express their view in such an offensive way that it takes a superhuman effort to stay calm and empathetic. An effort I usually fail at

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Someone who he is saying or underlying that certain races are not humans do not deserve my empathy.

That’s not really what I asked.

It depends on the situation but there are things I CANNOT, it is like physically, mentally and intellectually impossible for me to empathise about.

Empathy isn’t agreeing."

But putting yourself in someone's else shoes is.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I find arguments are caused primarily by stupidity

I don’t know that I agree with that. It’s an easy thing to say though.

I'd two people with two opposing viewpoints is a debate.

I would class an argument as something else

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't think we can ever fully understand the other person.

Everyone seems to love arguing. Every advert for soaps seem to have people falling out or shouting at each other.

Perhaps the issue is sometimes people don’t understand themselves. We all have a bit of a blind spot, even those that have worked on learning themselves.

I don’t freaking understand myself most of the time.

Good topic.

I'm sure it's a blind spot of mine...but I don't think feelings should factor hugely into a debate at all.

When people think purely with their emotions they tend to be wrong, it's usually a knee jerk reaction to complex thing distilled to an emotive headline.

These emotional thinkers also tend to be the most defensive and would rather argue that black is white if it means they can protect their ego and the need to be right. These are the types who become encamped in an ideological space of someone else's choosing.

My approach is to try to be fair and open (often failing) while going for the kill to expose the errors of a bad argument.

I'd much rather hurt someone's concept of themselves and their world than allow a bad idea fester - if someone has humility this leads to constructive debate.

I assume I'm at least a bit wrong in all my opinions and give room for them to evolve. Being constructively challenged helps greatly.

I'd hate to live in a world where we value not offending anyone (an impossible task as the audience grows) over finding what's true or what's best to do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'd like to say I could walk a mile in a racists shoes,and understand were they are coming from but I can't ...they stink.

I have zero tolerance for them.

I have zero tolerance for their racism, not for them.

Therefore you can separate people from them actions?

Shouldn't we ? Yes, perhaps but if it was that simple Brad Pitt in Seven wouldn't have killed Spacey.

Some people don't want to and cannot be changed.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ahhh a bit like Dunning Kruger?"

There's plenty of that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's pretty difficult to feel any empathy for people who are wilfully ignorant

It is. I wonder how they got there though.

Who decided they were ignorant? Was it because they didn't agree with a popular view?

Exactly. "

Ignorance is ignorance. Not knowing what you don't know.

Everyone is somewhere on a scale of total ignorance to very knowledgeable depending on the topic.

It's a statement of fact - not a label.

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By *lenderfoxMan
over a year ago

Leeds

The maojority of arguments I come across seem to stem from single-mindedness and an unwillingness to compromise. The nature of discourse, particularly online, seems to have polorised over recent years with many more people sticking to absolute positions in discussions.

I think part of this is a lack of empathy but also a modern society that puts a lot of focus on people as individuals.

Going back to the OP, I think the world would be a much better place if people were more considerate

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wow

I can't believe how many of you are just simply so very very wrong.

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"“The cause of arguments and fights is lack of mutual, empathic understanding. When empathy is not engaged, then people revert to a self-protective mode and become judgmental.

People are often not used to understanding their own feelings and would rather fix a problem than understand feelings. It’s not always easy to really engage in empathy.

(PT)

Would this work in the (Politics) forum? Do you enjoy arguing?

I love a rational debate, but I hate irrational, emotional argument, it's too hurtful usually. It's only really people I care about that would ever force me to engage in it, the rest I would walk away from.

I am usually very empathetic, especially with animals and those I care about, but whilst I take great delight in learning and understanding human psychology, I choose to defend myself against most of humankind by not empathising to all and sundry.

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