FabSwingers.com forum: Heartbreaking phone call

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Tonight I had a phone call from my mum, in tears.

As some may know, my dad was diagnosed with altzheimers and early onset dementia several months ago.

I try to get over to Leeds to see them as often as I can, but it's hard doing the job I do.

The last time I was there, he had no recollection or recognition of who I was, which was pretty heartbreaking, however today, he didn't know who my mum, his wife of over 60 years was.

I can't begin to understand how she must be feeling.

I am going to be speaking to my mum again in the morning as she was too distraught tonight.

I know a few forumites have been through this, so I thank those who offerd advise and words of comfort and information on what support my mum can get.

I will probably be going dark for a few days from tomorrow

Mike

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By *aphiraFabWoman
over a year ago

Poole

So sorry to hear this mate. My Nan is 94 with Dementia and I see her every other weekend, but I love her so much that it's heartbreaking to see her like that.

I know this may not be any comfort but when he did know who your mum was, he would have been so grateful for her being there for him. And I bet he still loves you both so, so much x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry to hear that and I can understand how upsetting it is.

My grandparents suffered from dementia and it is heartbreaking when they don’t know who you are, it’s not their fault of course but I can empathise and wish you and your family all the best.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thinking positive thoughts, buddy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Awww that is so sad... it’s an awful disease!! But in his heart I’m sure he will still know you!!

Look after yourself! Sending hugs xxxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That’s horrible OP I can only imagine how hard that must be for you. Sending you some manly hugs, if you need to chat with someone feel free to PM me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It sucks.

Have you heard of 'singing for the brain'. It really helped my uncle x

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By *ubble1959Couple
over a year ago

Huntingdon

Sweetheart, my dad was the same he thought I was his brother and my eldest was my brother, just remember him how he was when you were his little girl, ????

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Really, really sorry to hear this.... Can offer no practical advice but sending loads of warm wishes and positivity x

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By *iss.HoneyWoman
over a year ago

...

Dementia is an awful thing. To grieve the loss of someone who is still there in body is so very sad.

Sad for them too, one can't imagine how it must feel on the 'inside'

My grandad had it and every day for 6 months when we visited we had to tell him again that my nan had passed away, he broke down each time as if it was fresh news. So very sad.

Sending hugs and support OP. It's a very cruel thing to have to live through x

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By *wisted999Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

Happened to my Mum mate. A year after I got back in touch with her. Found her and lost her all over again.

I see her when I can but limit myself to 15 minutes or so periods of time with her to stop her getting upset.

It’s a very cruel condition. Stay strong.

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By *ig1gaz1Man
over a year ago

bradford

you will get good and bad days to come.

please dont take it to heart with what they can say to you.

some stuff said is really heartbreaking when its said to your face, try to remember its not there fault.

as I helped my mum out with her mum there was some stuff said, that even I had no idea who or what they was on about.

my best advice is try to give your mum a break when you can.

she also needs some me time as well.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thinking of you, OP.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So sorry to hear this OP. I hope yourself and family are receiving good support xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wish things were better for you and your family. It's destructive and so painful to watch something you can't change.

They do lose themselves and lose their connection with the world. And all we can do is be there for them.

But even though the connections are not fully there so that all their history is mangled in a way we and they don't recognise...it's still there deep inside them...And occasionally a flash of that shows in a way we can understand.

I wish you and your family the peace you will need.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry to hear about this mate, I was a carer for my Mum between 03-09. She died aged 61. It's the most horrible of diseases, the stress of everything nearly killed me and my Dad as well. I'm not the same person I was, I know my Dad definitely isn't.

It will be horrible for your Mum experiencing it every day. Has she tried to get any respite care, so she can have a bit of a break?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My dad was like that and soon after he started to turn a bit violent. He was put in a home and had a sad end to his life.

But hey ho we who must remain go on living.

Not good to experience first hand.

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By *egs11ABCWoman
over a year ago

Aberdeen

We r going thro the same with my dad. It's awful for those closest to accept. I trained as a nurse and worked with it but my sister is distressed.

Feel for u cos there's nothing I can say can help. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its fuckin horrible mate my grandad had it kept thinking i was my dad i dont know what to say mate its fucking aweful desease

Best wishes to you and ya maa and paa

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry to hear you are going through this OP...

Sending hugs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Life doeant half kick back hard sometimes.

I cannot even imagine what you and your mum are going through. Get cover - see your mum.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Tonight I had a phone call from my mum, in tears.

As some may know, my dad was diagnosed with altzheimers and early onset dementia several months ago.

I try to get over to Leeds to see them as often as I can, but it's hard doing the job I do.

The last time I was there, he had no recollection or recognition of who I was, which was pretty heartbreaking, however today, he didn't know who my mum, his wife of over 60 years was.

I can't begin to understand how she must be feeling.

I am going to be speaking to my mum again in the morning as she was too distraught tonight.

I know a few forumites have been through this, so I thank those who offerd advise and words of comfort and information on what support my mum can get.

I will probably be going dark for a few days from tomorrow

Mike"
sorry hear that my gran has slight dementia as well do worry it will get worse

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By *electableDalliancesCouple
over a year ago

leeds

I'm sorry you and your family are hurting, all I can offer is a virtual hug from a random stranger xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh OP that has brought tears to my eyes. It must be incredibly difficult for you and your Mum. I know it's if no help really but sending you big hugs anyway.

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By *un4meanduMan
over a year ago

STOTFOLD

Sending support as much as a stranger can ,its an awful illness but often they remember older memories so try and take it back a few years photos ect help ,just as important to you and all your family is to look after yourselves as well , hope that all makes sense

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By *tonMessCouple
over a year ago

Slough Windsor ish

Sending love and positive thoughts... I nursed my Nan through Dementia, she used to call the police saying there was an intruder in the house... it was Grandad

In the end she didnt know me and would attack me saying Id taken her husband off her and she knew I was his other woman

Grandad became an alcoholic as she declined so between them they were a real handful to care for.

Just cherish every moment. Make him a memory box, include photographs of them both together over the years and set aside time every day to go through them together.

Be there for your mum... sadly its a very long goodbye xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So sorry to read this. My dad had dementia and I was his carer for 8 years before he died aged 72 in 2016. Cruel heartbreaking disease.

The Admiral Nurses were a godsend to me for emotional and practical support.

They’re not everywhere but it appears there are some in Leeds.

https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/find-an-admiral-nurse/

My local adult mental health service also gave me access to other sources of help as well as support groups and the like.

Sadly as I’m sure you know, early onset can be a rapid decline.

Has your mum got a good support network nearby?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm so sorry to hear this lovely. It's one of the cruellest diseases there is. For the loved ones as much as the person suffering. It's not much, but sending hugs your way x

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By *hortfuseWoman
over a year ago

Belfast

There is some great support out there. First and foremost GP, mental health team, Alzheimer.org, dementia UK, purple angel.

Get both you and mom some support! Usually there are some great local groups that will help, advice and give mom a break.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This happened to me with my mum just a couple of weeks ago. I could see it coming and thought I was prepared, but I now know I never could have been. Even saying "it's me" and my name causes no glimmer of recognition. You just never think that day will come.

She's hospitalised and comfortable and calm for the most part. Small windows of panic which distress her, and us.

Although she doesn't know me I choose to think she likes me visiting. The strange lady who arrives every day with grapes or cake and clean clothing. Who smiles and holds her hand. Cares for a little while, then disappears...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am a dementia friend champion and one thing I found really useful is ‘the bookshelf analogy’, it really makes you think.

I work in a care home and most live with dementia in varied stages and can be heartbreaking for me, let alone the family.

Photo albums work well to trigger memories as does favourite music, I had a lady the other day hear a piece of music that I was paying her on my Bluetooth speaker, just for her and she isn’t verbal really but she heard this one song and said ‘oh my gawd, well I never’ and say and sang the song to me.

Here if you need any advice.

Geeky x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This happened to me with my mum just a couple of weeks ago. I could see it coming and thought I was prepared, but I now know I never could have been. Even saying "it's me" and my name causes no glimmer of recognition. You just never think that day will come.

She's hospitalised and comfortable and calm for the most part. Small windows of panic which distress her, and us.

She knows you, it’s tucked away but she does know you, it’s all stored away xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

stick a trustworthy bird behind the ramp for a couple of days and go and see ya mum

youve only got one mum , she probably needs you more than you think .

mums are tough old cookies but sons should be there when the going gets tough .

go and see mum

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Once again can I just say thank for all the posts and PM's of support and we'll wishes.

I went over to see my mum and dad today.

As sad as it was, there is a silver lining, it seems that whilst my dad has no recollection or recognition of who my mum is, it seems he has fallen in love with her again.

We have arranged for some respite care so my mum can get a break and started the ball rolling to, in worst case scenario, have me appointed as a power of attorney and trustee

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