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Domestic violence

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I was watching rillington place yesterday, it was good, have you? He was treating his wife bad, she escaped to her brother for a while to get away from him, but she still wanted to get back, even as her brother warned her about him and told her several times that she could stay at his place.

Why do you think she wanted to get back home to her husband? Could it be that she still liked him, or felt she didnt have an option?

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By *electableDalliancesCouple
over a year ago

leeds

I think for someone subjected to long term abuse it can be a kind of brain washing,they get in the mindset that it's what they deserve,that or they are too scared of the consequences of leaving.

Awful situation xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I was watching rillington place yesterday, it was good, have you? He was treating his wife bad, she escaped to her brother for a while to get away from him, but she still wanted to get back, even as her brother warned her about him and told her several times that she could stay at his place.

Why do you think she wanted to get back home to her husband? Could it be that she still liked him, or felt she didnt have an option?"

Its complicated shag..

Unless you have experienced it you cant really understand why

I was in an abusive relationship and i still don't understand why i put up with it for as long as i did

Luckily i got away

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

I haven't seen it, but do have a little personal experience.

Fear (yes, you're out of the immediate danger, but you don't know what may come next)

You've been convinced you will fail without them and that you NEED them.

You don't want people to know things have got as bad as they have, so you try to hide it, because you don't want others to worry/be disappointed in you.

There are loads of reasons

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I was watching rillington place yesterday, it was good, have you? He was treating his wife bad, she escaped to her brother for a while to get away from him, but she still wanted to get back, even as her brother warned her about him and told her several times that she could stay at his place.

Why do you think she wanted to get back home to her husband? Could it be that she still liked him, or felt she didnt have an option?

Its complicated shag..

Unless you have experienced it you cant really understand why

I was in an abusive relationship and i still don't understand why i put up with it for as long as i did

Luckily i got away"

Ditto. Until you’ve been there, you’d never understand. That’s why people often think we’re stupid for putting up with it or going back.

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By *oo32Man
over a year ago

tipperary


"I was watching rillington place yesterday, it was good, have you? He was treating his wife bad, she escaped to her brother for a while to get away from him, but she still wanted to get back, even as her brother warned her about him and told her several times that she could stay at his place.

Why do you think she wanted to get back home to her husband? Could it be that she still liked him, or felt she didnt have an option?

Its complicated shag..

Unless you have experienced it you cant really understand why

I was in an abusive relationship and i still don't understand why i put up with it for as long as i did

Luckily i got away"

Sorry to hear that chicken...

Luckly you got away from that

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By *urity555Man
over a year ago

south west

I was in an abusive and violent relationship.

We go back because sometimes we’re more afraid to stay away.

An abusive partner belittles you, makes you feel worthless and controls you.

It happened gradually for me.

I was independent, a working single mother with a house, car & a job. No debts or anything.

When I fell pregnant I gave up my job so had to rely solely on my partner financially. That’s when it started happening.

That bastard beat me black & blue yet I was too scared to press charges. The pivotal point came when he assaulted me on holiday in front of my kids and called my son names ( he was only 4 at the time )

That gave me the strength to leave for good.

Unfortunately it has a snow ball affect and I jumped straight into another relationship for security. Needless to say that didn’t last.

I’m over it now but the impact it has on future relationships can be quite devastating

Miss

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't know about physical, but when the abuse is mental amd pyschological and starts off very subtle you don't realise what is happening amd start doubting amd questioning yourself. It's only afterwards that it all becomes clear

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't know about physical, but when the abuse is mental amd pyschological and starts off very subtle you don't realise what is happening amd start doubting amd questioning yourself. It's only afterwards that it all becomes clear "

It never starts as physical, if someone threw you across the room out of the blue you’d leave and never look back. They break you mentally before they break you physically

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Isn't it Stockholm syndrome?

Forgiveness if I'm wrong

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I was watching rillington place yesterday, it was good, have you? He was treating his wife bad, she escaped to her brother for a while to get away from him, but she still wanted to get back, even as her brother warned her about him and told her several times that she could stay at his place.

Why do you think she wanted to get back home to her husband? Could it be that she still liked him, or felt she didnt have an option?

Its complicated shag..

Unless you have experienced it you cant really understand why

I was in an abusive relationship and i still don't understand why i put up with it for as long as i did

Luckily i got away"

Totally this....

8 years + of abuse and can’t tell you why I stayed putting up with it.

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By *urity555Man
over a year ago

south west


"Isn't it Stockholm syndrome?

Forgiveness if I'm wrong "

No I don’t think it is. The abuser makes you believe it’s your fault. Therefore we try harder and our self esteem hits an all time low. It’s a vicious circle

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By *hedevilwearspradaWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere nearby

And sometimes, even though you know it’s the wrong thing to do, you stay anyway, because putting up with it is easier than what you fear you may have to deal with if you leave

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By *isaB45Woman
over a year ago

Fabville

Abusers become very adept at isolating the victim from their friends and family.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can’t say why we stay or go back, I put up with 22 years of an emotionally abusive marriage. I would have said previously I’m not the type of person to put up with domestic abuse but I did. It started so subtle that I didn’t realise it was happening then before I knew it he controlled everything I did or thought.

I was lucky I broke free as he thought it was ok to have an affair with a young girl and thought it ok to try and bring her to the home. That was my breaking point. But long term it’s damaged me and I’m not the same person, the fear of the unknown can be very powerful. X

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By *orkie321bWoman
over a year ago

Nottingham

It's incredibly difficult to explain why people go back to abusers and why it's so hard to leave in the first place.

Physical violence is just the tip of the iceberg. The biggest hurdle to get over when leaving is the financial and emotional control. By the time a partner actually starts physically abusing someone they are in too deep to just walk away easily. Abusers are very manipulative and they isolate you from your friends and family. You get to the point where you have no support network and are dependent on them.

There is some good reading out there for anyone who is interested in learning more or for anyone who needs help to leave an abusive relationship.

"Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft.

"The jerk radar" by Steve McRea

A good website to visit is: hiddenhurt dot co dot uk

Most literature will refer to heterosexual relationships where the abuser is the man because it is easier than referring to everyone at the same time. Anyone can be in an abusive relationship regardless of gender or sexuality.

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By *s_macWoman
over a year ago

Traffic land


"I don't know about physical, but when the abuse is mental amd pyschological and starts off very subtle you don't realise what is happening amd start doubting amd questioning yourself. It's only afterwards that it all becomes clear "

Too true

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

For me. It was that I was scared of being on my own, I'd been convinced nobody else would want me and that I was worthless without her. I had been isolated from my friends and family, so felt like I had nobody to turn to. She took control of ALL the finances, didn't have the funds to leave and start up on my own. And there's the kids, no one wants to leave their kids so that was main thing making me stay

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

People in those situations the abuser seems to have hold on them hear all time about them going to back to the abuser maybe out of fear

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"For me. It was that I was scared of being on my own, I'd been convinced nobody else would want me and that I was worthless without her. I had been isolated from my friends and family, so felt like I had nobody to turn to. She took control of ALL the finances, didn't have the funds to leave and start up on my own. And there's the kids, no one wants to leave their kids so that was main thing making me stay"
sorry to hear that mate your story is similar to friend mine haven't seen him since last year his girlfriend won't let him come out with the guys and he has kid as well it's terrible really

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I was watching rillington place yesterday, it was good, have you? He was treating his wife bad, she escaped to her brother for a while to get away from him, but she still wanted to get back, even as her brother warned her about him and told her several times that she could stay at his place.

Why do you think she wanted to get back home to her husband? Could it be that she still liked him, or felt she didnt have an option?"

It can be a range of things, they love them, scared to leave. A hope it wwill get better. If they have kids, not wanting to be a single parent. Etc the list can go on. You can never truly understand someone else’s motives

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It crept up on me. I didn't realise how bad it was. 13 years and he had control.

My only way of feeling like me was meeting off here quietly. I didn't realise that was what I was doing.

Started counselling for mental health problems and had it pointed out that being screamed at and blamed and controlled wasn't normal.

I'm lucky because I left. It wasn't physical but it's left it's issues along with working as a prostitute before I met him.

Just means I'm happy having sex and someone will have to be very special or possibly insane to want me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"And sometimes, even though you know it’s the wrong thing to do, you stay anyway, because putting up with it is easier than what you fear you may have to deal with if you leave "

I helped a friend move out of her house while her partner was away. We had to keep it secret so that he didn't know when she was going or where she'd moved to.

If he'd found her it's very likely he would have killed her. She was 'safer' in his house where he wanted her alive so he could control her.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek


"And sometimes, even though you know it’s the wrong thing to do, you stay anyway, because putting up with it is easier than what you fear you may have to deal with if you leave

I helped a friend move out of her house while her partner was away. We had to keep it secret so that he didn't know when she was going or where she'd moved to.

If he'd found her it's very likely he would have killed her. She was 'safer' in his house where he wanted her alive so he could control her. "

100% their unpredictability and irrational behaviour means you second guess what they're capable off.

The unknown is sometimes more terrifying.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did anyone see that chilling photograph that a police detective took when they visited a home of a safeguarded woman?

There was a knife stabbed into every step on the stairs and at the very bottom, a bullet.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I orchestrated for my ex to get arrested for drink driving..i actually put myself in danger knowing that if it backfired I may not have lived to tell the tale but I was so desperate to get him away from us I would have done anything

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By *rank n BettyCouple
over a year ago

Not meeting

It takes an average of 35 assaults before a woman actually leaves a male partner. I don’t know the statistics for men or same sex relationships because I’ve needed to look for them.

The abusers often bide their time & can take years for their dark side to come out by which time you are exactly where they want you.

B x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"For me. It was that I was scared of being on my own, I'd been convinced nobody else would want me and that I was worthless without her. I had been isolated from my friends and family, so felt like I had nobody to turn to. She took control of ALL the finances, didn't have the funds to leave and start up on my own. And there's the kids, no one wants to leave their kids so that was main thing making me stay"

I know all those things too well. For me she did not control the money but expected me to pay everything as she was disabled in a wheelchair and on benifits. But bringing in more than I did as I had virtually given up work to look after her and my son.

18 months on got a good job, moved to a new area. Setting up new life, enjoying time with my son and trying to clear the debts. She still trying to control me regards the house and money and uses our son and pets as pawns.

Good luck to you I hope it works / worked out for you.

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By *innamon!Woman
over a year ago

no matter

Love is strange . My mother was in an abusive marriage . I was 12 when she married him.

She loved him and put up with the way he treated her. He hit me when I went in to protect her. The times he was in a bad mood ( no speaking in house for up to 3 months at a time ) we would spend in my room with the bed against the door . We did this one xmas whilst he and his 3 children’s and their partners (youngest was I suppose 20 or so) had their dinner downstairs. I was 14 then . Was difficult to have friends round as he would ignore us . Horrid !

Was not a good time but she seemed to care for him. He got leukaemia and died when I was 18 . We were left homeless as he left everything to his kids.

Some people are just too scared to leave and can’t bear the thought of being alone, hoping the arseholes will change.

Of course there are also female bullies and husbands terrified to say anything or move out.

To me that is even harder as they don’t get help in the same way .

I am thankful that in 47 years my oleman has never raised a hand to me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Someone once explained it to me as boiling frog syndrome. If you place a frog straight into boiling water it will die. If you place it in tepid water and gradually turn up the temperature, the frog acclimatises to the water and can survive. By the time the water reaches boiling, it’s run out of the energy to escape.

This is often how domestic abuse works, the victim doesn’t notice the gradual changes, escalation in violence (mental & physical) and accepts that type of behaviour as being normal.

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By *elshsunsWoman
over a year ago

Flintshire

I was once one ... took a lot of time and courage to escape with 2 small kids and the clothes we stood up in ... over 30yrs ago now ... worst thing was he was a Policeman

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By *innamon!Woman
over a year ago

no matter

So many posts here show the control they have , the constant undermining and not being good enough. I am glad to read you people managed to get out . What has been said is just how I saw it . I hope you have all got confidence back now. I applaud you .

Mum was an independent divorcee back in the early ‘50’s a feat in itself showing she was strong and he did everything to put her down .

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By *oodnitegirlWoman
over a year ago

Yorkshire

Was it the Tim Roth version? That was on a couple of years ago! Were they re-showing it?

I think the era was a big factor in the returning in that story.

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By *hedevilwearspradaWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere nearby

I know someone who is in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t hit her, but he does get aggressive with things sometimes. He belittles and undermines her, can be emotionally manipulative, and expects her to do things sexually that she doesn’t want to do. She does stand up to him, with mixed results.

Her biggest worry is that he also has epilepsy, and she’s scared that if she leaves, he will start drinking to the point that it causes seizures, and she’s particularly worried that it will happen when he’s driving and result in him causing injury to himself or others.

Rationally, she knows he’s an adult and he can take responsibility for himself, but it’s the fear that her child will be left fatherless, and it would be her fault (in her eyes) that keeps her there.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wife grew up in violent house her Dad hit her Mum and her and her brother were scared of their Dad. I saw some of this violence too as I was at their house a lot when we first started dating. I promised my wife I would never hit her or make her feel scared and for 38 years I’ve kept my promise could never hit a lady not in me to do it. We have had arguments but never hurt her I found going for long walks far more productive. Oh and we are still happily married and love each other to bits

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By *innamon!Woman
over a year ago

no matter


"I know someone who is in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t hit her, but he does get aggressive with things sometimes. He belittles and undermines her, can be emotionally manipulative, and expects her to do things sexually that she doesn’t want to do. She does stand up to him, with mixed results.

Her biggest worry is that he also has epilepsy, and she’s scared that if she leaves, he will start drinking to the point that it causes seizures, and she’s particularly worried that it will happen when he’s driving and result in him causing injury to himself or others.

Rationally, she knows he’s an adult and he can take responsibility for himself, but it’s the fear that her child will be left fatherless, and it would be her fault (in her eyes) that keeps her there. "

I thought you were not allowed to drive if you have seizures . If she knows he is then he should be reported to Dvla so his licence is removed .

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By *hedevilwearspradaWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere nearby


"I know someone who is in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t hit her, but he does get aggressive with things sometimes. He belittles and undermines her, can be emotionally manipulative, and expects her to do things sexually that she doesn’t want to do. She does stand up to him, with mixed results.

Her biggest worry is that he also has epilepsy, and she’s scared that if she leaves, he will start drinking to the point that it causes seizures, and she’s particularly worried that it will happen when he’s driving and result in him causing injury to himself or others.

Rationally, she knows he’s an adult and he can take responsibility for himself, but it’s the fear that her child will be left fatherless, and it would be her fault (in her eyes) that keeps her there.

I thought you were not allowed to drive if you have seizures . If she knows he is then he should be reported to Dvla so his licence is removed . "

If you have a seizure (epileptic or nit) then usually your licence is revoked for the first 12 months after a seizure. You can reapply then and as long as it’s controlled by medication and your neurologist gives approval then you can, but your licence will be usually only be granted for 3 years at a time and your neurologist or GP will have to medically clear you to drive again for the next 3 years, and so it goes on.

Many people with epilepsy are allowed to drive, but they wouldn’t be able to drive buses/HGVs etc.

It’s the same after neurosurgery, generally your licence would be revoked for 12 months then you have to reapply.

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By *innamon!Woman
over a year ago

no matter


"I know someone who is in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t hit her, but he does get aggressive with things sometimes. He belittles and undermines her, can be emotionally manipulative, and expects her to do things sexually that she doesn’t want to do. She does stand up to him, with mixed results.

Her biggest worry is that he also has epilepsy, and she’s scared that if she leaves, he will start drinking to the point that it causes seizures, and she’s particularly worried that it will happen when he’s driving and result in him causing injury to himself or others.

Rationally, she knows he’s an adult and he can take responsibility for himself, but it’s the fear that her child will be left fatherless, and it would be her fault (in her eyes) that keeps her there.

I thought you were not allowed to drive if you have seizures . If she knows he is then he should be reported to Dvla so his licence is removed .

If you have a seizure (epileptic or nit) then usually your licence is revoked for the first 12 months after a seizure. You can reapply then and as long as it’s controlled by medication and your neurologist gives approval then you can, but your licence will be usually only be granted for 3 years at a time and your neurologist or GP will have to medically clear you to drive again for the next 3 years, and so it goes on.

Many people with epilepsy are allowed to drive, but they wouldn’t be able to drive buses/HGVs etc.

It’s the same after neurosurgery, generally your licence would be revoked for 12 months then you have to reapply. "

Thank you.

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By *hedevilwearspradaWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere nearby


"I know someone who is in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t hit her, but he does get aggressive with things sometimes. He belittles and undermines her, can be emotionally manipulative, and expects her to do things sexually that she doesn’t want to do. She does stand up to him, with mixed results.

Her biggest worry is that he also has epilepsy, and she’s scared that if she leaves, he will start drinking to the point that it causes seizures, and she’s particularly worried that it will happen when he’s driving and result in him causing injury to himself or others.

Rationally, she knows he’s an adult and he can take responsibility for himself, but it’s the fear that her child will be left fatherless, and it would be her fault (in her eyes) that keeps her there.

I thought you were not allowed to drive if you have seizures . If she knows he is then he should be reported to Dvla so his licence is removed .

If you have a seizure (epileptic or nit) then usually your licence is revoked for the first 12 months after a seizure. You can reapply then and as long as it’s controlled by medication and your neurologist gives approval then you can, but your licence will be usually only be granted for 3 years at a time and your neurologist or GP will have to medically clear you to drive again for the next 3 years, and so it goes on.

Many people with epilepsy are allowed to drive, but they wouldn’t be able to drive buses/HGVs etc.

It’s the same after neurosurgery, generally your licence would be revoked for 12 months then you have to reapply.

Thank you. "

Obviously a lot depends on the nature of the seizure/cause ie if you have anti seizure meds changed or reduced by your dr the timescales are different. Plus your medical info is reviewed by the DVLA medical advisors - in all circumstances.

If however you have a seizure and you don’t report it you can be fined, and obviously if you cause an accident or worse then you will be dealt with appropriately by way of a criminal conviction usually.

I do this kind of stuff for a job so have a keener interest in it.

No problems. It’s the field I work in

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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

Not experience it myself but our daughter got into an abusive relationship very young. We could understand why and felt so helpless. she eventually broke away but even now we don't think we know half of what went on and the consequences are still her and therefore us.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Was it the Tim Roth version? That was on a couple of years ago! Were they re-showing it?

I think the era was a big factor in the returning in that story. "
Yes, it was that version with tim, he is a good actor too, they did reshow it as well, what did you think of the series?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I haven't seen it, but do have a little personal experience.

Fear (yes, you're out of the immediate danger, but you don't know what may come next)

You've been convinced you will fail without them and that you NEED them.

You don't want people to know things have got as bad as they have, so you try to hide it, because you don't want others to worry/be disappointed in you.

There are loads of reasons"
Yes, could it also be that love is blind in some cases?

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By *oodnitegirlWoman
over a year ago

Yorkshire


"Was it the Tim Roth version? That was on a couple of years ago! Were they re-showing it?

I think the era was a big factor in the returning in that story. Yes, it was that version with tim, he is a good actor too, they did reshow it as well, what did you think of the series?"

It was REALLY good. I was honestly naive enough to believe that baby was going to a nice family too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can remember reading once, about a young child in hospital. He was covered in bruises and cigarette burns and, was sobbing inconsolably for his mummy. This would be understandable except...it was his mummy that had caused his injuries!

I still think about things I read in that book a lot.

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By *ittleAcornMan
over a year ago

visiting the beach


"I can remember reading once, about a young child in hospital. He was covered in bruises and cigarette burns and, was sobbing inconsolably for his mummy. This would be understandable except...it was his mummy that had caused his injuries!

I still think about things I read in that book a lot.

"

My wife and I fostered for years. The bond between a child and their mother is incredible.

The bottom line for a small child is that's my mum and I want her. They are willing to ignore almost any level of abuse.

As they get older the response is more nuanced, but still many are willing to forgive if they think the parent has changed (which they rarely do obviously).

It was heart breaking at times.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I can remember reading once, about a young child in hospital. He was covered in bruises and cigarette burns and, was sobbing inconsolably for his mummy. This would be understandable except...it was his mummy that had caused his injuries!

I still think about things I read in that book a lot.

My wife and I fostered for years. The bond between a child and their mother is incredible.

The bottom line for a small child is that's my mum and I want her. They are willing to ignore almost any level of abuse.

As they get older the response is more nuanced, but still many are willing to forgive if they think the parent has changed (which they rarely do obviously).

It was heart breaking at times."

It was in a book about fostering and adoption that I read about this. The books I was reading were ultimately about reunion but had lots of case studies and stories about why people had originally been taken into care or fostered and adopted. There were lots of heart warming stories as well but it's the disturbing ones that stay with you. Amazing what the bond of love will tolerate. As far as couples go, I wonder if there's an element of Stockholm syndrome that developes within the abusive relationship.

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

I thought the frog thing was if you put them in boiling water they leap out, but if you turn the heat up slowly they don't notice and they stayed......

Abuse does not always mean physical violence either, it can be occult, it can be passive aggressive, it can be mental and emotional - deception, domination, manipulation and control.

It can virtually destroy a person's psyche so that they end up almost helpless. And it can take years to manifest, the abuser is often the biggest charmer in the beginning, they're not all 'Kyle's people'.

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