FabSwingers.com forum: Housemate leaving

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I found out that my housemate wants to leave us and move into a 1 bed flat near me. What is so galling, is that I was the one that supported her and was always a shoulder to cry on, (she had a dickhead boyfriend, and before easter a miscarriage). Dont know if she really thought that I actually cared for her, as I would any other woman. Thoughts please

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Aww but where you expecting your house mate to stay for good with you?

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By *SAchickWoman
over a year ago

Hillside desolate

Maybe she just wants her own space. If she's nearby you can still be friends.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I found out that my housemate wants to leave us and move into a 1 bed flat near me. What is so galling, is that I was the one that supported her and was always a shoulder to cry on, (she had a dickhead boyfriend, and before easter a miscarriage). Dont know if she really thought that I actually cared for her, as I would any other woman. Thoughts please"

Be happy for her that with your support she has got herself together and is ready to go it alone. That’s a testament to what a good friend you were and she will still need you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do you need her, to feel needed?

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By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

Well I'm really sure,if you're just housemates I don't get it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Am not a stalker if that's what you mean; yes am happy she's found somewhere else, but she's never said thanks.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Am not a stalker if that's what you mean; yes am happy she's found somewhere else, but she's never said thanks. "

Thanks

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I'm not 100% clear what you're saying. When you say leave us who do you mean? What do you mean by your second to last sentence?

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By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"Am not a stalker if that's what you mean; yes am happy she's found somewhere else, but she's never said thanks. "

Maybe she will when she actually leaves.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Am not a stalker if that's what you mean; yes am happy she's found somewhere else, but she's never said thanks. "

Did you do it for the thanks?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Am not a stalker if that's what you mean; yes am happy she's found somewhere else, but she's never said thanks.

Maybe she will when she actually leaves."

I won’t hold my breath

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Do I just forget about her and move on,but still be able to text her about anything, or put it down to being gullible?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Do I just forget about her and move on,but still be able to text her about anything, or put it down to being gullible?"

Stop whining

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By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"Am not a stalker if that's what you mean; yes am happy she's found somewhere else, but she's never said thanks.

Maybe she will when she actually leaves.

I won’t hold my breath "

No that wouldn't be an intelligent thing to do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Do I just forget about her and move on,but still be able to text her about anything, or put it down to being gullible?"

How were you gullible?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It sounds like you were into her more than just being a friend.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Be happy for her that with your support she has got herself together and is ready to go it alone. That’s a testament to what a good friend you were and she will still need you."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It sounds like you were into her more than just being a friend. "

Bingo!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

The place is 2 mins away in the car; but I would have thought saying thanks was polite enough.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had this recently, OP. My beloved housemate moved in with her boyfriend. We were like Sisters anyway, but now our bond is even better. It might be a good thing!

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By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"Do I just forget about her and move on,but still be able to text her about anything, or put it down to being gullible?"

We don't know your relationship with her so would be hard for anyone to say,but if you feel like you've been taken for a mug I'd leave it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Because i have a heart; and no we did not have sex. Gullible, because I took time to listen to her about how her boyfriend was a knob.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Do I just forget about her and move on,but still be able to text her about anything, or put it down to being gullible?

We don't know your relationship with her so would be hard for anyone to say,but if you feel like you've been taken for a mug I'd leave it."

How is he taken for a mug?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Because i have a heart; and no we did not have sex. Gullible, because I took time to listen to her about how her boyfriend was a knob."

I think you were just being a good friend. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Because i have a heart; and no we did not have sex. Gullible, because I took time to listen to her about how her boyfriend was a knob."

The most important role of a friend is to listen to a friend moan when they’re in a crisis. Then you either slap some sense into them (not an actual slap!!) or you support them.

Sometimes they say thanks, other times they take you for granted but still appreciate you.

That doesn’t make you a mug.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

To blueeyedgirl, maybe I should get a heart of stone from b+q then. Might stop me from feeling like a fucking idiot.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Because i have a heart; and no we did not have sex. Gullible, because I took time to listen to her about how her boyfriend was a knob."

is it just the fact that she didn't say thank you?

I've had people turn to me in times of crisis and I've listened, counselled and supported them afterwards they put a distance between us. It makes me cross and I don't know why they do it. I understand how you feel.

I am lucky enough to have real friends though.

Don't feel gullible, you've helped someone and she might say thanks yet.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"To blueeyedgirl, maybe I should get a heart of stone from b+q then. Might stop me from feeling like a fucking idiot."

If you click on replyinforum+quote we'll know who you're talking to

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By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"Do I just forget about her and move on,but still be able to text her about anything, or put it down to being gullible?

We don't know your relationship with her so would be hard for anyone to say,but if you feel like you've been taken for a mug I'd leave it.

How is he taken for a mug?"

I didn't say he has.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is it only be that's confused here

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Probably, but it's common courtesy isn't it to say thanks for listening. I spent time on the phone to miscarriage association asking how else I could support her. The night she told me, I slept well. The next 3 nights I got a total of 3 hours sleep each night from thinking how to help her out.

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By *an_WoodMan
over a year ago

Stafford

And I thought it was just relatives who were ungrateful

Sometimes our expectations of other people are wide of the mark. Chalk it up to life's rich tapestry

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Probably, but it's common courtesy isn't it to say thanks for listening. I spent time on the phone to miscarriage association asking how else I could support her. The night she told me, I slept well. The next 3 nights I got a total of 3 hours sleep each night from thinking how to help her out. "

That was your choice. Its not a good idea to expect thanks for help given, you will be disappointed.

Thinking about it I don't thank my friends when they've listened to me if I have a problem and they don't thank me. I realise you went the extra mile on this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

She picked herself up and dusted herself down and you begrudge her for moving on. You didn’t have to sit up with her, but friends do that because that’s what friends do but if you felt you are owed something more then I think you need to look at yourself rather than her

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think you allowed yourself to become more involved because you wanted her as more than a friend.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If I do a good thing it's not because I expect any sort if recognition or reward. It's simply because it's a good human and proper thing to do.

If I do it for any other reason....It's Not a good thing.

Ffs where's the perspective?

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

Housemates always move on, doesn't mean she's not grateful or you can't still be friends. Sounds to me you're just miffed she's leaving you, but you need to try to rise above that. People don't always thank you straight away, nor always in words.

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By *hips n FursMan
over a year ago

Huddersfield

I don't expect any of my friends to say thanks. I've got there backs,and they have mine. Alway have,and always will.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Ok, so you think I shouldn't expect thanks; no I didn't think that there was going to be more between us.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"She picked herself up and dusted herself down and you begrudge her for moving on. You didn’t have to sit up with her, but friends do that because that’s what friends do but if you felt you are owed something more then I think you need to look at yourself rather than her

I second this x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ok, so you think I shouldn't expect thanks; no I didn't think that there was going to be more between us."

I never expect thanks for what I do for others. I do it because it's needed to be done.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

To _gnitemybody, do you mean not bother texting her at all?

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By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"To _gnitemybody, do you mean not bother texting her at all?"

If thing's are all one sided then that's not great. That's up to you to decide,wish her well and if she sees you as a good friend she'll be in touch.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Ignitemybody, thanks for that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Somewhat difficult to offer an informed opinion given the brief description and no knowledge of the personalities involved.

It is entirely possible that it was a case of a friend in need. When people are in an emotional state, they will lean on others. Once that period has passed, they resume their normal mode.

Flatmates yes, but are you really friends? Depends on the relationship that you have with her. Similar to work colleagues, you get along really well with a few but if one changed jobs, would the friendship continue?

Presumably, you supported her when she needed it most out of the goodness of your heart. At the time of giving, you responded instinctively without seeking recompense. Does it matter that she didn't say thank you? You didn't do it initially for thanks. And yes, I know it would be nice for her to acknowledge your time and effort but if she's leaving, all you can do is let her go.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I think she's shit on her doorstep, but doesn't realise that you don't do that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe it’s best she moves on if you are so bitter about it

She isn’t obliged to stay with you because you held her hand

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

She's a housemate, not your partner. She is well within her rights to move wherever she chooses.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe she's leaving because she keeps losing her clothes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Because i have a heart; and no we did not have sex. Gullible, because I took time to listen to her about how her boyfriend was a knob."

Isn't that what friends do for each other though?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Ruby, you mean shit on your own doorstep?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m confused.

You gave help and support to a housemate when they were on a low ebb.

You’re fed up that they haven’t thanked you.

And possibly fed up that their situation has improved and they have the strength and wherewithal to move their life on.

It will be a bit sad when she moves out if you like her company, but not the end of the world. You could always get a new housemate.

Some people just don’t say thank you enough. If it’s eating you up to the extent that it appears to be, you could always talk to her about it. She may just be unaware of how you feel.

Is the fact that she’s in a happier place with her life and you helped with that thanks enough?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 04/06/18 07:37:20]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

friends never say or expect thanks or sorry from each other.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Because i have a heart; and no we did not have sex. Gullible, because I took time to listen to her about how her boyfriend was a knob."

I could always move in, I’ve got a lot of problems you could listen to

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ruby, you mean shit on your own doorstep?"

Excuse me?

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By *lana Honey-LingusTV/TS
over a year ago

bolton

Just be happy for her as she now feels strong enough to move on with her life after the problems she has had. By staying close she still needs you but also needs to stand up on her own.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Ruby;As in don't use people and not think that they went out of there way to help out.

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

What had you being there for her gig to do with her moving on a being independent? Did you hope to guilt trip her into staying with you forever? Can you not care for her while she lives on her own?

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

You're being rather selfish in my eyes.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

"Because i have a heart; and no we did not have sex. Gullible, because I took time to listen to her about how her boyfriend was a knob."

That's what friends do, most of us do it and don't expect any thanks as they would do the same for us

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

"I think she's shit on her doorstep, but doesn't realise that you don't do that."

She didn't if she just offloaded

Hmmm so do you expect her to stay living with you for the rest of her life because you listened to her when she needed a shoulder?

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

She needs her own life, her own place, her own time. Same as you once did. Don’t begrudge her. Be her friend.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’d thank you but being there for a person in need can be a thankless task.

I guess your housemate didn’t have a clue there were conditions to the help you gave her. Helping someone in need is a lot cleaner emotionally if there isn’t an implicit reciprocal need that was not talked about beforehand.

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By *hips n FursMan
over a year ago

Huddersfield

Sounds like you've become rather emotionally attached to this woman,who at a guess is younger than you. Now she's moving on with her life you are finding hard to let go and sort of lashing out.

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