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absent parents

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By *iss_serenity OP   Woman
over a year ago

nottingham

so........after having a massive blazing row with one of my close friends about how much i chose to tell my son about the situation with his biological sperm donor or other wise known as the "twat" in our house, i'm curious on how much u think a child should know about this kinda thing.

to give u an example, i am totally honest with my son about the fact his father wants nothing to do with him and that when it comes to that time of the month when the csa is suppose to appear in my bank account and yet always seems to fail to get there, he knows about it. but i have never spoke about my own personal past with him before i had my son.

yet again he let us down this month and i had to yet again tell my son, "sorry poppet but we're not gonna be able to go because he's found a way round paying the csa" and because my friend knew this, she had a massive rant about how its wrong to tell a 9 year old that and that i should have just lied and said they had sold out of tickets. (it was the batman on ice thingy bob incase u was wondering)

so, thoughts on this?

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

I agree with your friend.

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By *oantrimcpl2010Couple
over a year ago

Lisburn

Do whats right for you and your child. Only you can make that decision, you know whats your child is capable of hearing and what he isnt. We all have our own ways of doing things and that includes how we raise our children. x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bloody right! A 9 year old should not be the "vent" for an adults anger and giving the child mental scars about his asent father is not likely to help in later life.

But hey! It does not sound like you could care less about much except your anger!

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By *oe_Steve_NWestCouple
over a year ago

Bolton

I personally wouldn't slag off my childs father to that degree - all you're doing is venting to a child and i think that's wrong, children do need to know somethings but they also need protecting - they worry their little heads about such stuff and it's too adult for them. So, I'm afraid I don't agree with your actions here as you're not thinking about the best interests of your child. Z

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

Personally i think that no matter how you feel about your ex, there is no need for your son to be put in the middle of things

you say things like that to him, how is he supposed to act next time he see's his dad?

9 year olds should nly care about playing with their mates and having fun, not whether or not the CSA payment came through, you and his dad are the only ones that need to care about that!

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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum

Its hard when the absent parent is thoughtless. I was lucky - my ex still wanted plenty to do with his child and she see's him a lot, but he contributed very little to her upbringing until recently. However, kids don't ask to be born, and certainly don't ask to be in the middle of drama. Being a single parent means we have few people to vent to when there isn't quite enough money to stretch to the end of the month, but it is best just to say to your son that money is tight, not give the reason why.

As he gets older he'll get a decent idea of things anyway, and may well want to talk to you about it, but its much better that way than to make him think his father just couldn't care less. Also, if the child support isn't coming through, I'd have a word with Citizens Advice. Maybe get an attachment order. Investigate other benefits. I'd have really struggled without tax credits. See what you are entitled to.

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By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

What a huge amount for a child to have to carry on his little shoulders

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am in the same boat abandoned and raised 2 children on my own. Never ever slag the dads of in front of them to be honest never an issue my two have never asked about their fathers. A few times I have bought eldest one up in conversation and she changes the subject. Just goes to show they are well adjusted children.

There will come A time I know that and when it does I will deal with eat. And I am big enough even though I have not seen or heard anything from eldest dad for 14 years the door is open same with my youngest.

Don't slag him off or rat him out you are better than that and will be a better person for it as much as it hurts.

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

have yo also thought that this approach might make the child think that all your problems are because of him??

'i cant afford this cos daddy hasnt paid is money for you'

'daddy didnt pay his child support so no treats this month'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ps why rely on him if its been so long stand on your own and support your child.

Mine 14 and 9 have never received a penny in that time and quite frankly now I would not want any they are my children through and through and I work dam hard to support them.

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By *iss_serenity OP   Woman
over a year ago

nottingham

ummmm, not sure where u get venting my anger from. unfortunatly about 3 months ago my son decided to have a nose through the big black box i keep all the important stuff in, birth certificates, certain letters and stuff and came across the court papers from me and his dad going to court about his access. this opened up alot of questions and i figured there wasn't any point in lying about it as he had already read most of what was said.

i'm not angry with my ex, just disappointed. when they did have contect i had no issue with it as long and even went along with him having my son's mobile number so he could talk and text him without feeling like he had to go thought me all the time. and the main reason my son knows about this csa business is because my ex decided to drag him into it at the beginning of the year by texting my son to tell me to go though csa cause he wasn't going to pay anymore.

so, i chose to tell my son the truth as i don't want him growing ever believing it was anything he did that made his dad not want anything to do with him. he understands how things work and what the situation is.

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By *edhotminxWoman
over a year ago

Turn left at the Singing Ringing Tree

I've been in the same situation where CSA money has failed to turn up. You can opt for the CSA to collect the monies directly from his employer before he gets paid, and then paid into your bank account. There might be a slight delay, but at least you get it.

Best rule of thumb - if you can't say anything nice about your ex, then don't say anything at all to your son.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What a huge amount for a child to have to carry on his little shoulders

"

agreed.

I know it sounds like ur doing ur best OP, but think U have to remember a 9yr olds mentality doesnt see hthe black and white facts as clearly.To them all it is , is being unloved by someone who should be loving them- then with some years*being a teenage boy), the anger u feel will be most likely transferred to him...and U know what alot of teenage boys get up to, and in some cases its surrounding an absent parent.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My parents separated when I was 9, and my mum ensured that we would see my dad all time and kept access fair. My mum never told me about the problems she had with my dad and the lack of child support he was paying for me and my sister who was 2. However even at 9 I picked up on things myself, and soon made my own judgements about my dad.

I do not think the op is doing anything wrong with discussing this with her son. As she said she doesn't discuss any other issues just money. If they were still together, then the son would see for himself who was paying and who was not. Her sons dad should be paying, and the op has every right to get angry about it, as should her son.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sorry OP at inferring ur anger...but HE is a 9yr old boy...anger has a funny way of surfacing from disapointment...hope u understand

(I'm speaking as a lack of mother guy from the age of 4)

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

ok so your son found some papers and unfortunately his dad cose to tell him about the CSA but there is no reason to keep on telling your son when he fails to pay

does your son ask every month if the money has gone in? sounds like from your OP you CHOSE to tell him he couldnt go to the show because his dad didnt pay

i still think he should be kept out of it, if he asks just explain that it is grown up business and nothing for him to worry about - becasue at the end of the day it isnt for him to worry about

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple
over a year ago

hexham


"ummmm, not sure where u get venting my anger from. unfortunatly about 3 months ago my son decided to have a nose through the big black box i keep all the important stuff in, birth certificates, certain letters and stuff and came across the court papers from me and his dad going to court about his access. this opened up alot of questions and i figured there wasn't any point in lying about it as he had already read most of what was said.

i'm not angry with my ex, just disappointed. when they did have contect i had no issue with it as long and even went along with him having my son's mobile number so he could talk and text him without feeling like he had to go thought me all the time. and the main reason my son knows about this csa business is because my ex decided to drag him into it at the beginning of the year by texting my son to tell me to go though csa cause he wasn't going to pay anymore.

so, i chose to tell my son the truth as i don't want him growing ever believing it was anything he did that made his dad not want anything to do with him. he understands how things work and what the situation is. "

i have to disagree with the majority here,assuming you are keeping your feelings about the ex in check around your son.

Words like sperm donor and twat suggest anger it would be healthier for you to let go of.However honesty is vital raising kids,allowing him to build up an idealized view of his father does him no favours.

It is a hard balance to get right and think no one should blame you for venting here.However make sure you do not vent to your son,simply explain why the situation is as it is.

Perhaps in future it would be better to plan free treats that are not dependent on an unreliable income source.

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By *iss_serenity OP   Woman
over a year ago

nottingham

i have never relied on him for anything. he walked out when i was 6 months gone and only decided when my son was 6 to take me to get involved with him, which lasted a whole, ummm, 8 months before walking right back out again, leaving my son totally confused as to why he suddenly had a dad and then poof, no he didn't.

all came to a head this christmas when my son begged him to come over for the afternoon, just to play computer games with him and he didn't even reply to him.

i have never confused or put him in the middle of anything. i just try to explain it to him in a way he would understand. your dad's the moron, not u.

if he doesn't want to spend time with u, and see just how amazing u are, then he's lost out.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think you are doing a great job under tough circumstances.

You know your own mind and don't need any advice from anyone, least of all folks who don't know you or the hardships you face first hand.

All that's happened is you have had a row with a friend that's maybe made you doubt what you are doing.

But if you can justify the decisions you have made to yourself that's all that counts.

If he'd paid the money for the child he fathered on time it wouldn't have been an issue n the first place.

Good luck to you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I agree with Eve that children should not be lumbered with financial information to worry about or be stuck in the middle of the two of you arguing over money. It isn't fair to put that responsibility onto a young child.

Its a hard situation and I accept its really difficult for you. Get advice to ensure you are receiving everything that is due to you, but as a parent this is your worry. Let him be concerned about how many goals he scored last week

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

my last comment maybe lol...

its a nine year olds perspective we have to look from is it not???- and, like I've said...I have seen later probs come from (especially) young 'fatherless' men....this is his future u have to think about(not saying u arent of course, but I think ur friend was right)

no-one likes to be given advice they think better on, but only true friends do it xxxx

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By *ensual temptressWoman
over a year ago

Southampton

children should be allowed to be children .what posative things for your son comes from knowing about the csa, let alone if his father does or doesnt pay anything through it ??? nothing !!!

children have a way of blaming these things on themselves .their parents dont get on ,they blame themselves .their parent argue ,they blame themselves . their parent doesnt pay what they should or they are short of money the child blames themself !! ask yourself seriously if what you see as being "totally honest " with a 9 year old is worth your sons self worth when you tell him his father cant be bothered to have anything to do with him or pay for him??? if you have issues then as the adult deal with them as the adult and either take it up direct with his father or the csa ! least then theres a chance situation may change .

far as your son needs to know is sorry just cant get ticket this time ,no need for the whys and wherefores and recriminations .

personally if an ex was letting me consistently id not be promising my child anything i couldnt sort myself so i know then im not setting them up for disapointment .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

dont mean to sound like a prick but i took my partners little boy on as my own and we receive no csa payments at all so financially you cant be that hard up can you?? but personally i would never mention the sperm donor to my son but if he was around then can you not tell the "father"(and i use the term loosely) to have his son on weekends?? that way he has to spend money on keeping him??

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By *iss_serenity OP   Woman
over a year ago

nottingham

i never bring up when it don't get paid in. my son knows when he gets paid as this was the reg time he would visit him when he had the money. my son can tell you our whole time table for the month as he keeps track of everything. he loves order and routine. bit of a downfall when it comes to this tho.

as for the names he's called him, well, to be honest there the nice ones. he went thought a very angry stage after the visits suddenly stopped and got quite a large vocab of swear words on him that he used instead. but after spending time with the really great programe they run as his school called places2be, he managed to calm down to just these two.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"i have never relied on him for anything. he walked out when i was 6 months gone and only decided when my son was 6 to take me to get involved with him, which lasted a whole, ummm, 8 months before walking right back out again, leaving my son totally confused as to why he suddenly had a dad and then poof, no he didn't.

all came to a head this christmas when my son begged him to come over for the afternoon, just to play computer games with him and he didn't even reply to him.

i have never confused or put him in the middle of anything. i just try to explain it to him in a way he would understand. your dad's the moron, not u.

if he doesn't want to spend time with u, and see just how amazing u are, then he's lost out.

"

One good thing about mine they walked away and stayed away. Must screw your son up big time.

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By *ensual temptressWoman
over a year ago

Southampton

you never bring it up when it dont get paid in ....

yet again he let us down this month and i had to yet again tell my son, "sorry poppet but we're not gonna be able to go because he's found a way round paying the csa" and because my friend knew this, she had a massive rant about how its wrong to tell a 9 year old that and that i should have just lied and said they had sold out of tickets. (it was the batman on ice thingy bob incase u was wondering)

that was in your first post or have i missed something??????

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By *iss_serenity OP   Woman
over a year ago

nottingham

oh, and this is the first time ever that i've not been able to just pay for it myself. every other time i've covered it and life's just gone on as usual. i don't rely on his money and never will.

i've always been caught in two minds about it. on one hand, i could get really pee'd off that i've done it myself all these years and he should damn well pay for him as i didn;t get myself pregnant on my own. but if i thought like that, then i would just end up a ball of hatred and i would rather not get up in the morning and think what the hell is gonna go wrong today.

instead i'm just thankful that we're doing ok and get on with it.

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By *iss_serenity OP   Woman
over a year ago

nottingham

sorry, that was my fault. he asked me the day after it was spose to be paid in whether he had paid it. i never openly tell him anything about his father. i only ever answer him honestly if he asked. i think u think i just sit there and spout crap at him but its just the other way round. i get pounded into the ground with questions and whys and why nots.

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