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Fucking fuming!

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By *lem-H-Fandango OP   Man
over a year ago

salisbury

No one likes having to do all that performance measuring crap for work right?! Well we've just been given ours. In the main they are unachievable. However, one of the "goals and objectives" is essentially black m ail! Every year we have the opportunity to fill out an anonymous survey on staff engagement including how we think our manager has performed. Nothing out of the ordinary there. But wait... One of our performance goals is a better-than-last-year employee engagement score.... so if engagement dosent improve (or we mark our shit manager down again) we can't have a pay rise! what the fuck!?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As a manager, I think this is most excellent.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


" No one likes having to do all that performance measuring crap for work right?! Well we've just been given ours. In the main they are unachievable. However, one of the "goals and objectives" is essentially black m ail! Every year we have the opportunity to fill out an anonymous survey on staff engagement including how we think our manager has performed. Nothing out of the ordinary there. But wait... One of our performance goals is a better-than-last-year employee engagement score.... so if engagement dosent improve (or we mark our shit manager down again) we can't have a pay rise! what the fuck!?"

You can’t make this shit up. Organisations are insane

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve no idea what any of that means but it sounds like a ball ache. Can’t you just lie to get what you need.

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By *onkeymagic50Man
over a year ago

Near the harbour


" No one likes having to do all that performance measuring crap for work right?! Well we've just been given ours. In the main they are unachievable. However, one of the "goals and objectives" is essentially black m ail! Every year we have the opportunity to fill out an anonymous survey on staff engagement including how we think our manager has performed. Nothing out of the ordinary there. But wait... One of our performance goals is a better-than-last-year employee engagement score.... so if engagement dosent improve (or we mark our shit manager down again) we can't have a pay rise! what the fuck!?"

Morals or money your choice dude

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm glad that I have retired and left all that bullshit behind!

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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen


"As a manager, I think this is most excellent. "

I wish I had thought of that objective

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By *pider-WomanWoman
over a year ago

Exeter, Bristol, Plymouth, Truro

This is one of the reasons I left all that corporate crap behind

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By *lem-H-Fandango OP   Man
over a year ago

salisbury

Health and safety...... to paraphrase "provide evidence of how you grassed up a colleague who wasn't adhering to our over bearing h&s policy, If you don't then you're not performing. If you yourself don't score 100% for H&S then you're not performing." No pay rise for you...

"Hey John, just grassing on you so i can have a pay rise. Obviously you won't get one. Sucks to be you. Afterwards, can you give me a hand fitting the widget valve?".....

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By *eedsandyMan
over a year ago

Leeds


" No one likes having to do all that performance measuring crap for work right?! Well we've just been given ours. In the main they are unachievable. However, one of the "goals and objectives" is essentially black m ail! Every year we have the opportunity to fill out an anonymous survey on staff engagement including how we think our manager has performed. Nothing out of the ordinary there. But wait... One of our performance goals is a better-than-last-year employee engagement score.... so if engagement dosent improve (or we mark our shit manager down again) we can't have a pay rise! what the fuck!?"

I think that you might want to point that out to the HR Department quite quickly and get it changed. If not, raise a grievance under the grievance procedure.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Health and safety...... to paraphrase "provide evidence of how you grassed up a colleague who wasn't adhering to our over bearing h&s policy, If you don't then you're not performing. If you yourself don't score 100% for H&S then you're not performing." No pay rise for you...

"Hey John, just grassing on you so i can have a pay rise. Obviously you won't get one. Sucks to be you. Afterwards, can you give me a hand fitting the widget valve?"....."

Maybe its a massive test of your loyalties. If you all stay loyal to workmates you get to pass and have a large pay rise. Un loyal ones get flushed. I doubt it though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How are you all qualified to assess each other's performance?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Something tells me they don't want to give any pay rises...just a feeling I'm getting

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I always told my managers what I thought of them, and why. Yeah, I never got promoted beyond the first level....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


" No one likes having to do all that performance measuring crap for work right?! Well we've just been given ours. In the main they are unachievable. However, one of the "goals and objectives" is essentially black m ail! Every year we have the opportunity to fill out an anonymous survey on staff engagement including how we think our manager has performed. Nothing out of the ordinary there. But wait... One of our performance goals is a better-than-last-year employee engagement score.... so if engagement dosent improve (or we mark our shit manager down again) we can't have a pay rise! what the fuck!?"

Sounds like we work at the same place!!

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By *ink Panther.Woman
over a year ago

Preston


"I always told my managers what I thought of them, and why. Yeah, I never got promoted beyond the first level.... "

That surprises me, I’ve found men easier to manage generally and have promoted them partly because of that. Just before I get any negative comments I have promoted women to management too when they’ve been the best person for the role

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some managers are wankers... My current one is excellent tho

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Grow a pair and say what you see .Life's to short to brown nose over a few extra quid.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Urgh!

(Grrrrrr)

I fucking hate bullshit like this.

It's just a way of saying you're just a number- and we're going to fuck you ( not in a good way ) unless you bend over and submit

Cunts.

I REALLY hate my job at the moment - but I'm not sure I want to leave this job for another job with the same old shit!

Boring - I can't wait to retire!

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By *ink Panther.Woman
over a year ago

Preston


" No one likes having to do all that performance measuring crap for work right?! Well we've just been given ours. In the main they are unachievable. However, one of the "goals and objectives" is essentially black m ail! Every year we have the opportunity to fill out an anonymous survey on staff engagement including how we think our manager has performed. Nothing out of the ordinary there. But wait... One of our performance goals is a better-than-last-year employee engagement score.... so if engagement dosent improve (or we mark our shit manager down again) we can't have a pay rise! what the fuck!?"

This type of unattainable nonsense is becoming more prevalent in the workplace. There is no way I could work for a company where I had to enforce such a ridiculous method of measuring performance. Companies wonder why sickness is so high and performance is so low

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By *ig1gaz1Man
over a year ago

bradford


" No one likes having to do all that performance measuring crap for work right?! Well we've just been given ours. In the main they are unachievable. However, one of the "goals and objectives" is essentially black m ail! Every year we have the opportunity to fill out an anonymous survey on staff engagement including how we think our manager has performed. Nothing out of the ordinary there. But wait... One of our performance goals is a better-than-last-year employee engagement score.... so if engagement dosent improve (or we mark our shit manager down again) we can't have a pay rise! what the fuck!?"

so have fun and none of you fill it out what can they really say then

you get your pay rise as nothing bad gets written

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

Sounds like more voyager bullshit to me

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

There’s always a plus for having an absolute buffoon for an HR person!

Has it’s down sides but fuck that shit!!

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

[Removed by poster at 20/03/18 22:46:20]

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

Go to your union

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

One place I've worked the staff had to do a "satisfaction" survey every year, meant to be anonymous but at the end of it you had to give your location, grade, sex and age so maybe not so anonymous after all...

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By *lem-H-Fandango OP   Man
over a year ago

salisbury


"Go to your union "

Ah if only there was one!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I work for myself I assessed myself just recently and yes it said I was fucking awesome !!!

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By *rank n BettyCouple
over a year ago

Not meeting


"One place I've worked the staff had to do a "satisfaction" survey every year, meant to be anonymous but at the end of it you had to give your location, grade, sex and age so maybe not so anonymous after all..."

I make those bits up!!

B x

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

An interesting approach to performance management and performance related pay.

I wonder what the effect on productivity will be?

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By *lem-H-Fandango OP   Man
over a year ago

salisbury


"An interesting approach to performance management and performance related pay.

I wonder what the effect on productivity will be?

"

It doesn't feel like a positive effect on first impression.

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By *oncupiscentTonyMan
over a year ago

Kent

Have you tried strolling into HR dropping your strides and shitting on the bosses desk?

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By *inkyLondonpairCouple
over a year ago

London


"Go to your union

Ah if only there was one! "

There are many unions. It's just a matter of you and your colleagues joining one.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


" No one likes having to do all that performance measuring crap for work right?! Well we've just been given ours. In the main they are unachievable. However, one of the "goals and objectives" is essentially black m ail! Every year we have the opportunity to fill out an anonymous survey on staff engagement including how we think our manager has performed. Nothing out of the ordinary there. But wait... One of our performance goals is a better-than-last-year employee engagement score.... so if engagement dosent improve (or we mark our shit manager down they) we can't have a pay rise! what the fuck!?"

If you tell managers they are wonderful, theyll believe you.

If you say they are rubbish they wont.

Either way, nothing changes so,tell them what they want to hear and reap the benefits.

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By *obwithkiltMan
over a year ago

Belton

I used to work in retail management and once said about a member of upper management "he's not god, he's just a shopkeeper who gets paid more than we do" ...my peers were shocked...the person in question was reported to have said " I like him, he's got balls" ... however working with some management sent me dolallytat so got out of it for sanitys sake

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By *ere2pleasureUMan
over a year ago

Kington

That's three of us then!

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By *lem-H-Fandango OP   Man
over a year ago

salisbury


" No one likes having to do all that performance measuring crap for work right?! Well we've just been given ours. In the main they are unachievable. However, one of the "goals and objectives" is essentially black m ail! Every year we have the opportunity to fill out an anonymous survey on staff engagement including how we think our manager has performed. Nothing out of the ordinary there. But wait... One of our performance goals is a better-than-last-year employee engagement score.... so if engagement dosent improve (or we mark our shit manager down again) we can't have a pay rise! what the fuck!?

so have fun and none of you fill it out what can they really say then

you get your pay rise as nothing bad gets written

"

Ah, they're saying any non compliance will be seen as a behavioural issue. Therefore they can take disciplinary action.

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

Surely employee engagement is a management measure and do should be their target, not yours?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Surely employee engagement is a management measure and do should be their target, not yours? "

You’d think

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By *vbride1963TV/TS
over a year ago

E.K . Glasgow


"Go to your union

Ah if only there was one! "

Get an onion at least you can have a good cry while you cut it imagining it’s one of those bosses heads .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have a word with your manager as its likeky he's been set very similar targets.

Then have an honest and open discussion about thiers and yours working relationship and how you can achieve better engagment

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Have a word with your manager as its likeky he's been set very similar targets.

Then have an honest and open discussion about thiers and yours working relationship and how you can achieve better engagment"

I’d be interested to hear how that goes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

They attempt to measure the humanity out of everything

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is genius. I may have to use that with my team

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By *uckymooMan
over a year ago

Mid-Cheshire

Think its Genius

Either show you’re a man and stand up to it and see what happens.

Or

Suck the mop shut up whinging and take the company shilling

They are giving you a choice

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By *ulfilthmentMan
over a year ago

Just around the corner


"Health and safety...... to paraphrase "provide evidence of how you grassed up a colleague who wasn't adhering to our over bearing h&s policy, If you don't then you're not performing. If you yourself don't score 100% for H&S then you're not performing." No pay rise for you..."

I think they’ve got hold of the wrong (unsafe) end of the H&S stick. Is there not an option to provide an example of how you prevented a client or subcontractor from killing or maiming themselves? Works well at our place.

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