FabSwingers.com forum: Ambiguous loss

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I was previously posting about ghosting, and now have the term for what that “feeling” is as the person left when someone you are close to just disappears without a trace - it’s apparently “ambiguous loss”.

“Ambiguous loss’ is a term most people haven’t come across, but a loss many people will experience in their lifetime. Some examples include; children leaving home for university, going through a divorce, someone you love having cancer or aging parents developing dementia.

It is described as the most stressful and confusing type of loss; usually ongoing and without closure or resolution; often living with someone who is both here and gone. Sometimes there is not a chance to say goodbye or ask questions. Those experiencing an unclear loss express being in a state of limbo – not knowing how to move forward or live with the uncertainty. They may experience sadness, doubt, confusion, guilt or anxiety from their unresolved or frozen grief.

There are two types of ambiguous loss; when someone is physically absent but remains psychologically present such as with a missing person, suicide or immigration; or when a loved one is physically present but psychologically absent, for example with chronic mental illness, addiction or brain injury. All of these losses can be devastating and have an impact on everyone involved.”

It came up when discussing issues facing refugees/asylum-seekers who have had to flee their country and may have lost family/friends in the process. And it dawned on me that this is the same term for the stuck confusion and loss experienced with ghosting (I mean when there was an established connection and then disappearance).

Have you/or are you experienced/ing ambiguous loss at all?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I definitely felt this when my best friend died.

Recently I had another loss (no one died but you know it’s still a loss) and I’m working on trying to exorcise the ghosts I’m left with. I can’t seem to get over the mountain.

But, my darling Blanche... we can do this. Less thinking. More caring for ourselves and our sanity.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes. It's very debilitating and takes a long time to accept or even begin to process.

I found myself very isolated and visiting places alone where we'd been, even cutting myself off.

It took conscious effort against my will to break the cycle and sometimes I get the odd moment I fear I'll have a lapse backwards into it. You just have to keep moving forward.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I definitely felt this when my best friend died.

Recently I had another loss (no one died but you know it’s still a loss) and I’m working on trying to exorcise the ghosts I’m left with. I can’t seem to get over the mountain.

But, my darling Blanche... we can do this. Less thinking. More caring for ourselves and our sanity. "

We absolutely can! I am in a much better place already from working through feeling the feelings. I like being able to learn from and understand what it is, and discovering this counselling terminology helped. It’s also allowed me to plan some service ideas for refugees, using my own sense of loss and confusion as a way of empathising.

Keep going Mack.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

" Yes. It's very debilitating and takes a long time to accept or even begin to process.

I found myself very isolated and visiting places alone where we'd been, even cutting myself off.

It took conscious effort against my will to break the cycle and sometimes I get the odd moment I fear I'll have a lapse backwards into it. You just have to keep moving forward."

So much this. It’s continual choice to “turn up” and be rather than allow yourself to slip into safe (but re-traumatising) numbness or actual triggering painful (yet joyous) memories.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes, when my marriage ended. Everything was up in the air and the one person I’d always had to lean on was gone overnight. I was completely lost for the first week then the anger of the situation took over and the realisation that I was better off without him. There are times that I miss his company and what I thought we had but it was all smoke and mirrors. But now I know he didn’t deserve me x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Yes, when my marriage ended. Everything was up in the air and the one person I’d always had to lean on was gone overnight. I was completely lost for the first week then the anger of the situation took over and the realisation that I was better off without him. There are times that I miss his company and what I thought we had but it was all smoke and mirrors. But now I know he didn’t deserve me x "

The absence of someone, even a bad someone, is very pronounced when they’ve been there for so long before. It’s amazing how our lives intertwine so much with others. But you’re right, liberating when the realisation that it was an unhealthy poison rather than a nurturing and positive influence, and that you’re better, free-er and more you without them. Devastating when it’s not so though, and the loss (death of a loved one etc) cripples.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The term is also used when a parent or loved one is sent to prison. Children describe mummy/daddy as being gone but not really gone. A very sad situation indeed.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The term is also used when a parent or loved one is sent to prison. Children describe mummy/daddy as being gone but not really gone. A very sad situation indeed. "

Yes! That’s a good example.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Never heard of it, what a profound concept. Makes a lot of sense. Thanks for posting.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Never heard of it, what a profound concept. Makes a lot of sense. Thanks for posting. "

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By *eliciousladyWoman
over a year ago

Sometimes U.K

"Yes, when my marriage ended...

There are times that I miss his company and what I thought we had but it was all smoke and mirrors. But now I know he didn’t deserve me x "

I love your last sentence, such a positive thought.

Well done for realising your worth.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Has he been in touch OP?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Yes, when my marriage ended...

There are times that I miss his company and what I thought we had but it was all smoke and mirrors. But now I know he didn’t deserve me x

I love your last sentence, such a positive thought.

Well done for realising your worth. "

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Has he been in touch OP?"

No! No evidence that he’s alive at all.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Yes, I've experienced this several times. The reasons and circumstances have all been different and I think that means I have treated each one in a different manner when I should have just addressed it as a loss.

I have also had what I term "ambivalent loss" and that is just confusing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Has he been in touch OP?

No! No evidence that he’s alive at all.

Do you know if he's still alive?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Has he been in touch OP?

No! No evidence that he’s alive at all.

Do you know if he's still alive? "

That’s my point, no.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Yes, I've experienced this several times. The reasons and circumstances have all been different and I think that means I have treated each one in a different manner when I should have just addressed it as a loss.

I have also had what I term "ambivalent loss" and that is just confusing.

Tell me about ambivalent loss, your usage of the phrase. Is this where you feel you should care more but simply don’t...?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm experiencing this at the moment having been suddenly ghosted. At first I thought it would be easy to put him out of my mind and move on but 3 months on I'm still struggling. With no explanation it's the feeling of confusion about the situation that lingers. To go from being in contact several times a day to nothing is hard to take.

Alice

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

I have also had what I term "ambivalent loss" and that is just confusing.

Tell me about ambivalent loss, your usage of the phrase. Is this where you feel you should care more but simply don’t...?"

Yes, and also care for no good reason. Sometimes flip-flopping between the two, as with my mother.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm experiencing this at the moment having been suddenly ghosted. At first I thought it would be easy to put him out of my mind and move on but 3 months on I'm still struggling. With no explanation it's the feeling of confusion about the situation that lingers. To go from being in contact several times a day to nothing is hard to take.

Alice "

Hugs Alice. It is indeed a riddly conundrum of soul destroying proportions. Shall I post the counselling strategies for dealing with ambiguous loss? Hang on.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I have also had what I term "ambivalent loss" and that is just confusing.

Tell me about ambivalent loss, your usage of the phrase. Is this where you feel you should care more but simply don’t...?

Yes, and also care for no good reason. Sometimes flip-flopping between the two, as with my mother.

Aaaah, I see. Yes, another confusing one.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve felt this when a fwb literally just stopped talking to me. No reply to messages even though I could see they had been read. I just felt completely confused and felt a huge loss. We had be regular Fwb for over 3 years. It felt like he had just cut me out of his life, which hurt.

If you don’t want to be with someone in any way that has become normal to you both, then surely just say so.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Seven ways to cope with an ambiguous loss:

1. Recognise ambiguous loss – name it, and realise that you are not to blame – it is beyond your control. Ask yourself what your situation means to you, even if it defies logic. Understand that the world is not always a fair place and you have not done anything wrong.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

2. Call on others for support – who is there to help when things are tough? It could be family, friends, community or support groups. Isolation doesn’t help, so find someone to listen and lean on in times of need.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

3. Be aware of anger and guilt – these emotions are a normal response, but what impact do they have on your life or others? Talk to someone you trust about your difficult or conflicting emotions, your hopes and worst fears and how you are managing day to day.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

4. Revisit your family / friendship / relationship roles – these won’t be the same as they have been. What change has happened and what are your tasks now? What role do you take and what would help you manage this adjustment? Your relationships may change, along with your identity.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

5. Balance your thinking – instead of absolutes or trying to find a solution. It is less stressful to encompass paradoxical thoughts e.g. ‘My loved one is both gone and still here’ or ‘I have the anxiety of no closure and also an opportunity to move on with my life in a new direction’.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

6. Renew hope – what are your new dreams for the future? Even though this may seem impossible at the moment, finding hope and new options will help you cope and balance the ambiguity.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

7. Look after yourself – find activities that help you manage when you feel powerless, such as meditation, playing music, mindfulness or exercising. Be aware of stress and anxiety and seek professional help if you are struggling.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I’ve felt this when a fwb literally just stopped talking to me. No reply to messages even though I could see they had been read. I just felt completely confused and felt a huge loss. We had be regular Fwb for over 3 years. It felt like he had just cut me out of his life, which hurt.

If you don’t want to be with someone in any way that has become normal to you both, then surely just say so. "

yes, it would be the kinder and less cowardly option.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went through ambiguous loss when my son had cancer, the worst time of my life. He had not long left home. He is in remission now. XXX

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I went through ambiguous loss when my son had cancer, the worst time of my life. He had not long left home. He is in remission now. XXX"

Feeling powerless in that situation must have been awful. I’m so glad to hear he’s in remission.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I experienced this with my step father, having received a terminal diagnosis he spent two years slowly deteriorating. Day by day we watched him slowly fade away. It was very sad and very hard and in the end we all finished up grieving twice. With time passed its now easier to remember the real him.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I experienced this with my step father, having received a terminal diagnosis he spent two years slowly deteriorating. Day by day we watched him slowly fade away. It was very sad and very hard and in the end we all finished up grieving twice. With time passed its now easier to remember the real him. "

Yes, a discussion I was having with someone was looking at the difference between bereavement loss and ambiguous loss, and how bereavement allows a healthier sense of ending. Not suicide though. I can imagine the period whilst your stepfather was deteriorating to be untenably difficult.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It was unbelievably difficult and tested family bonds upto and beyond breaking point. However for anyone reading this who is in this position. We did come out the other side, the damage to relationships mended and we are stronger and closer for it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you for your words of hope.

It’s so comforting to hear.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This post is mind blowing, Op please continue these, make a book, change the world or at least someone’s x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"This post is mind blowing, Op please continue these, make a book, change the world or at least someone’s x"

Good lord, are you being sarcastic?!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not at all, despite my username I’m not, your post is deep and thought provoking, it reminds me of psychology reading but not the boring stuff, you are the female Jordan Peterson

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Not at all, despite my username I’m not, your post is deep and thought provoking, it reminds me of psychology reading but not the boring stuff, you are the female Jordan Peterson "

Ha! Well I’m certainly not. But that’s very kind. I’m simply thinking out loud, and find it cathartic.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Not at all, despite my username I’m not, your post is deep and thought provoking, it reminds me of psychology reading but not the boring stuff, you are the female Jordan Peterson

Ha! Well I’m certainly not. But that’s very kind. I’m simply thinking out loud, and find it cathartic.

Oh and I often pull info from other sources - it’s not just my thoughts!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well please do continue, intelligence is rare x

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By *hubaysiWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

Yes I’ve experienced it with my mum who had Dementia. It’s s cruel illness. People think it’s a bit of forgetfulness but it isn’t! The worse comments I had was ‘at least your mum doesn’t know what’s going on’, I would reply ‘how do you know that? No one has come out of Dementia in a positive way’. Mum passed away 2 years ago when her brain ruled she could not swallow so she starved to death, it took me a long time to enjoy food.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

Christ B, I think after reading your OP every major loss I have experienced could be described as

ambiguous loss. No wonder I'm kind so messed up.

There's no answers, no closure, too many 'what ifs'. Your coping strategies make a lot of sense.

I get the impression you work with vulnerable people, a role I think you're perfect for.

You're a darling x

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Due to brain injury, yes.

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By *loswingersCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

"I was previously posting about ghosting, and now have the term for what that “feeling” is as the person left when someone you are close to just disappears without a trace - it’s apparently “ambiguous loss”.

Have you/or are you experienced/ing ambiguous loss at all?"

Nope

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