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"Who gets themselves tied up in knots because they overthink the opinion of others? Have you lost out on a potential friendship because you misread a comment, a post or a message? Are you so self analytical that when you get messaged you cannot understand why someone would want to chat with you, so end up blowing it because you think it is too good to be true? Come join the overthinkers club and share your thoughts..." Oh that doesn’t sound like me. Nope.  | |||
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 , sorry OP that's three no's! | |||
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"Who gets themselves tied up in knots because they overthink the opinion of others? Have you lost out on a potential friendship because you misread a comment, a post or a message? Are you so self analytical that when you get messaged you cannot understand why someone would want to chat with you, so end up blowing it because you think it is too good to be true? Come join the overthinkers club and share your thoughts..." Me Yes Yes I (over)think so much my brain hurts sometimes (often) - then my stomach starts hurting with the anxiety of it all to add insult to injury. It can feel 'easier', at that precise moment in time, to back away rather than continue to expose yourself to that level of stress but of course it doesn't solve the problem long term and can saddle you with a load of regrets. I could really do with an 'off' switch in my head!  | |||
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Reading the threads I thought it was an epidemic | |||
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"Really... all these No's
Reading the threads I thought it was an epidemic "Mine was a YES! | |||
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"I’d like to conduct an experiment. Are the over-thinkers more or less likely to be in a successful relationship? And for either a successfully coupled over- or not-over-thinker what is the think status of their partner? "I'm an over. Mrs isn't. | |||
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"I’d like to conduct an experiment. Are the over-thinkers more or less likely to be in a successful relationship? And for either a successfully coupled over- or not-over-thinker what is the think status of their partner?
I'm an over. Mrs isn't. "Thank you.  | |||
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"Really... all these No's
Reading the threads I thought it was an epidemic
Mine was a YES!"I do like a girl who thinks 
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"I’d like to conduct an experiment. Are the over-thinkers more or less likely to be in a successful relationship? And for either a successfully coupled over- or not-over-thinker what is the think status of their partner? "I'm not. Marc kinda is. | |||
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"I’d like to conduct an experiment. Are the over-thinkers more or less likely to be in a successful relationship? And for either a successfully coupled over- or not-over-thinker what is the think status of their partner?
I'm not. Marc kinda is."Interesting.  | |||
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"I’d like to conduct an experiment. Are the over-thinkers more or less likely to be in a successful relationship? And for either a successfully coupled over- or not-over-thinker what is the think status of their partner? "Both under thinkers in a successful relationship here. | |||
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"I’d like to conduct an experiment. Are the over-thinkers more or less likely to be in a successful relationship? And for either a successfully coupled over- or not-over-thinker what is the think status of their partner?
Both under thinkers in a successful relationship here. "Okeydoke
Can we locate a female over-thinker in a successful couple....La Fee - what’s G-man? | |||
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"No I don't overthink things unless it's a serious situation but then it depends on who that's with and how I feel about them and how they feel about me and and and oh no I've over thought it "Its easy to know if you're an over thinker. Can you go to bed and go to sleep, or do you lay down, shut your eyes, then your brain says "Hey! I've been compiling a list of things to worry about, I'll start at the top shall i?". | |||
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"Guilty of this on occasion. Very easy to mis read the written word." Took the words right out of my mouth | |||
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"No I don't overthink things unless it's a serious situation but then it depends on who that's with and how I feel about them and how they feel about me and and and oh no I've over thought it
Its easy to know if you're an over thinker. Can you go to bed and go to sleep, or do you lay down, shut your eyes, then your brain says "Hey! I've been compiling a list of things to worry about, I'll start at the top shall i?"."Ugh. | |||
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"Guilty of this on occasion. Very easy to mis read the written word." I find that too with the written word. Is it because stripped of all those human non verbal reactions that make communication more complete we have less of a full feel for the message perhaps? | |||
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"Out of interest is over thinking another way of describing anxiety?" There’s massive interplay but no they are separate. One can overthink, obsess, replay and ruminate over something that doesn’t cause anxiety. | |||
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"I’d like to conduct an experiment. Are the over-thinkers more or less likely to be in a successful relationship? And for either a successfully coupled over- or not-over-thinker what is the think status of their partner?
Both under thinkers in a successful relationship here.
Okeydoke
Can we locate a female over-thinker in a successful couple....La Fee - what’s G-man?"Another over thinker ... but not as bad as me | |||
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"Out of interest is over thinking another way of describing anxiety? There’s massive interplay but no they are separate. One can overthink, obsess, replay and ruminate over something that doesn’t cause anxiety. " That's true, but personally speaking, in the contexts described by the OP, my tendency to overthink feels very closely related to anxiety. | |||
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"Out of interest is over thinking another way of describing anxiety? There’s massive interplay but no they are separate. One can overthink, obsess, replay and ruminate over something that doesn’t cause anxiety. " Ok, so does an over thinker remain calm even while engaging in it. Should the friend of an over thinker explain the remark that has been over thought or does that enable the over thinker to carry on doing it? I'm trying to understand my overthinking friends. | |||
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I don't think I do it myself, not to the point where it becomes irrational so I find it hard to understand when others do.
My logical head says react to what you know, not what could be.
Having said that I do remember a few times I was overthinking. I think circumstances affected my thoughts, not my own head | |||
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"Out of interest is over thinking another way of describing anxiety? There’s massive interplay but no they are separate. One can overthink, obsess, replay and ruminate over something that doesn’t cause anxiety. That's true, but personally speaking, in the contexts described by the OP, my tendency to overthink feels very closely related to anxiety." Yes, agreed. I think that overthinking is definitely a manifestation of anxiety. Definitely. It is for me. But I know a number of people who don’t have anxiety/anxious driven thinking but are overthinkers. It’s really hard to explain. Found this too: not sure if it even helps!! Jill has an exam tomorrow. Jill is working very hard. Jill is scared for the exam. Jill can't concentrate because she is scared about the paper. Jill has anxiety. Mary has an exam tomorrow. Mary is working very hard. Mary is scared for the exam. She starts thinking about failing. She starts thinking about losing a year. She thinks about how she will be a disappointment to her parents. She thinks about how she will never have a career. She thinks about how no one will love her. She thinks about how she will always be alone. Mary can't concentrate because of the fear. Mary is over-thinking. | |||
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"Out of interest is over thinking another way of describing anxiety? That's true, but personally speaking, in the contexts described by the OP, my tendency to overthink feels very closely related to anxiety." This is another one I agree with as when I'm anxious I know I always overthink.....which leads to further anxiety. A bloody cycle  | |||
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"I’d like to conduct an experiment. Are the over-thinkers more or less likely to be in a successful relationship? And for either a successfully coupled over- or not-over-thinker what is the think status of their partner?
Both under thinkers in a successful relationship here.
Okeydoke
Can we locate a female over-thinker in a successful couple....La Fee - what’s G-man?
Another over thinker ... but not as bad as me" | |||
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"Who gets themselves tied up in knots because they overthink the opinion of others? Have you lost out on a potential friendship because you misread a comment, a post or a message? Are you so self analytical that when you get messaged you cannot understand why someone would want to chat with you, so end up blowing it because you think it is too good to be true? Come join the overthinkers club and share your thoughts..." Im an overthinker. I still dont understand why g wants to be with me even after 12 years together ! Im not good enough. | |||
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"No I don't overthink things unless it's a serious situation but then it depends on who that's with and how I feel about them and how they feel about me and and and oh no I've over thought it
Its easy to know if you're an over thinker. Can you go to bed and go to sleep, or do you lay down, shut your eyes, then your brain says "Hey! I've been compiling a list of things to worry about, I'll start at the top shall i?"."Oh god, this is Marc to the letter! I actually have a rule that he can't bring tons of shit up to me past a certain time at night because it drives me nuts that he does this while in bed.  | |||
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Peach x | |||
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"Guilty of this on occasion. Very easy to mis read the written word. I find that too with the written word. Is it because stripped of all those human non verbal reactions that make communication more complete we have less of a full feel for the message perhaps?" I think so. Emojis didn't happen by accident. | |||
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"Out of interest is over thinking another way of describing anxiety? There’s massive interplay but no they are separate. One can overthink, obsess, replay and ruminate over something that doesn’t cause anxiety. Ok, so does an over thinker remain calm even while engaging in it. Should the friend of an over thinker explain the remark that has been over thought or does that enable the over thinker to carry on doing it? I'm trying to understand my overthinking friends." Let me think. 
Honestly, I think the thing that’s hard to comprehend that happens for over-thinkers is that whatever you say / do will set off a chain of splicing thoughts. Overthinking leaves you both tired and wired simultaneously.
What the chain of thoughts are really depends on the individual, often we are replaying entrenched learning or deep-set thoughts/opinions we have about our worth/experiences etc - so wildly different per person. The thing that is hard - really hard - is the acceptance that they’ll need that allowance for their heads to jump round the houses and come back. Explaining your meaning gently, and not personalising how they’ve taken what you’ve said (difficult because you said it and you’re their friend and why would they ever think of you as unsafe, it’s hard to get that it’s not about you, it’s about their perception of themselves and they just need to dance it before they can acclimate) will help - allowing them to clarify and ask / check intent will help. They’ll have periods where they need this less but at times when everything is overwhelming they’ll struggle more even with the most ridiculous interpretations. Patience.
An example I can give of how wildly different someone can view a situation was explained on an abuse survivor website, whilst I’m not saying that this is the case for all - it demonstrates how one person’s perceptions can be at odds with another’s even in the most innocuous situation:
“ Being abused can seriously affect your ability to distinguish between “not obviously pleased” and “obviously displeased” because abusers go from neutral to hostile for absolutely no discernible reason, and eventually you start worrying that everyone is going to be like that and you start feeling this urge to make absolutely sure that the people you actually care about aren’t mad or upset, because to you, “there’s no evidence that they’re not angry” is the same as “there’s evidence that they are angry” ” | |||
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"Guilty of this on occasion. Very easy to mis read the written word. I find that too with the written word. Is it because stripped of all those human non verbal reactions that make communication more complete we have less of a full feel for the message perhaps? I think so. Emojis didn't happen by accident." Some over thinkers misinterpret the spoken word too. I worked with a woman who used to text colleagues during the evening with explanations of conversations that they'd forgotten about She'd spent her evening going over their replies and extracting every possible meaning and nuance from them. | |||
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"Who gets themselves tied up in knots because they overthink the opinion of others? Have you lost out on a potential friendship because you misread a comment, a post or a message? Are you so self analytical that when you get messaged you cannot understand why someone would want to chat with you, so end up blowing it because you think it is too good to be true? Come join the overthinkers club and share your thoughts..." this I would say is a common problem here all messages can be read ambiguously and its so easy to see a negative because I think a lot of people enjoy the negative.  | |||
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"Who gets themselves tied up in knots because they overthink the opinion of others? Have you lost out on a potential friendship because you misread a comment, a post or a message? Are you so self analytical that when you get messaged you cannot understand why someone would want to chat with you, so end up blowing it because you think it is too good to be true? Come join the overthinkers club and share your thoughts..." I would say 50/50 for me. normally it's the silly stuff I over think and the serious stuff I'm level headed about Lol Mrs M | |||
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"Out of interest is over thinking another way of describing anxiety? There’s massive interplay but no they are separate. One can overthink, obsess, replay and ruminate over something that doesn’t cause anxiety. Ok, so does an over thinker remain calm even while engaging in it. Should the friend of an over thinker explain the remark that has been over thought or does that enable the over thinker to carry on doing it? I'm trying to understand my overthinking friends. Let me think.
Honestly, I think the thing that’s hard to comprehend that happens for over-thinkers is that whatever you say / do will set off a chain of splicing thoughts. Overthinking leaves you both tired and wired simultaneously.
What the chain of thoughts are really depends on the individual, often we are replaying entrenched learning or deep-set thoughts/opinions we have about our worth/experiences etc - so wildly different per person. The thing that is hard - really hard - is the acceptance that they’ll need that allowance for their heads to jump round the houses and come back. Explaining your meaning gently, and not personalising how they’ve taken what you’ve said (difficult because you said it and you’re their friend and why would they ever think of you as unsafe, it’s hard to get that it’s not about you, it’s about their perception of themselves and they just need to dance it before they can acclimate) will help - allowing them to clarify and ask / check intent will help. They’ll have periods where they need this less but at times when everything is overwhelming they’ll struggle more even with the most ridiculous interpretations. Patience.
An example I can give of how wildly different someone can view a situation was explained on an abuse survivor website, whilst I’m not saying that this is the case for all - it demonstrates how one person’s perceptions can be at odds with another’s even in the most innocuous situation:
“ Being abused can seriously affect your ability to distinguish between “not obviously pleased” and “obviously displeased” because abusers go from neutral to hostile for absolutely no discernible reason, and eventually you start worrying that everyone is going to be like that and you start feeling this urge to make absolutely sure that the people you actually care about aren’t mad or upset, because to you, “there’s no evidence that they’re not angry” is the same as “there’s evidence that they are angry” ”"Ok, thank you. I'm understanding better. So my friend who thought I didn't want to meet her again because I remarked that something she said sounded interesting feels that she isn't interesting so I couldn't possibly mean that therefore must have meant it sarcastically? Would it put further pressure on if I explained that to a non over thinker these reactions can appear insulting? | |||
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"Out of interest is over thinking another way of describing anxiety? There’s massive interplay but no they are separate. One can overthink, obsess, replay and ruminate over something that doesn’t cause anxiety. Ok, so does an over thinker remain calm even while engaging in it. Should the friend of an over thinker explain the remark that has been over thought or does that enable the over thinker to carry on doing it? I'm trying to understand my overthinking friends. Let me think.
Honestly, I think the thing that’s hard to comprehend that happens for over-thinkers is that whatever you say / do will set off a chain of splicing thoughts. Overthinking leaves you both tired and wired simultaneously.
What the chain of thoughts are really depends on the individual, often we are replaying entrenched learning or deep-set thoughts/opinions we have about our worth/experiences etc - so wildly different per person. The thing that is hard - really hard - is the acceptance that they’ll need that allowance for their heads to jump round the houses and come back. Explaining your meaning gently, and not personalising how they’ve taken what you’ve said (difficult because you said it and you’re their friend and why would they ever think of you as unsafe, it’s hard to get that it’s not about you, it’s about their perception of themselves and they just need to dance it before they can acclimate) will help - allowing them to clarify and ask / check intent will help. They’ll have periods where they need this less but at times when everything is overwhelming they’ll struggle more even with the most ridiculous interpretations. Patience.
An example I can give of how wildly different someone can view a situation was explained on an abuse survivor website, whilst I’m not saying that this is the case for all - it demonstrates how one person’s perceptions can be at odds with another’s even in the most innocuous situation:
“ Being abused can seriously affect your ability to distinguish between “not obviously pleased” and “obviously displeased” because abusers go from neutral to hostile for absolutely no discernible reason, and eventually you start worrying that everyone is going to be like that and you start feeling this urge to make absolutely sure that the people you actually care about aren’t mad or upset, because to you, “there’s no evidence that they’re not angry” is the same as “there’s evidence that they are angry” ”
Ok, thank you. I'm understanding better.
So my friend who thought I didn't want to meet her again because I remarked that something she said sounded interesting feels that she isn't interesting so I couldn't possibly mean that therefore must have meant it sarcastically?
Would it put further pressure on if I explained that to a non over thinker these reactions can appear insulting?"I agree and as I said reading the message with a negative also doesn't help | |||
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"I’d like to conduct an experiment. Are the over-thinkers more or less likely to be in a successful relationship? And for either a successfully coupled over- or not-over-thinker what is the think status of their partner?
Both under thinkers in a successful relationship here.
Okeydoke
Can we locate a female over-thinker in a successful couple....La Fee - what’s G-man?
Another over thinker ... but not as bad as me
"To expand on that a little - I DO have a tendency to overthink things, not to the extent of feeling sick with worry mostly and it can vary dependent on the situation - some things I massively overthink to the point my brain can put things there that aren't there - other things that you'd think I'd overthink don't cause me to wrinkle so much as an eyebrow. There's no rhyme or reason to it either - it just happens when it happens. I usually deal with it by trying to give myself a reality check and think objectively about something rather than subjectively with varying degrees of success. I also find talking it through with someone (when I'm able to) helps as often they'll give me the reality check that's needed to make me see how silly my overthinking actually is. I've also been known to send myself an email from another perspective | |||
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" Ok, thank you. I'm understanding better. So my friend who thought I didn't want to meet her again because I remarked that something she said sounded interesting feels that she isn't interesting so I couldn't possibly mean that therefore must have meant it sarcastically? Would it put further pressure on if I explained that to a non over thinker these reactions can appear insulting?" Honestly, she’s the only one that could tell you why (and even then might not be able to explain why) she interpreted your comment to mean something so different from your intent. For me, projecting, I’d say if I’d interpreted that comment in that way it would likely stem from a fear that I’m a burden, that I’m having a hard time in my head currently and feel like it’s visibke to everyone and that my friends who I know love me are going to very soon feel unable to bear me feeling this way much longer and then I’ll be alone and I want to be extra fun and extra worthwhile for them and propose the best possible adventures and be the best possible fun and caring friend for them and oh “sounds interesting” oh god, is she unsure, trying to be polite, realised I’m too much hassle, oh god here it comes the rejection, better to pre-empt and say I understand that she wants to distance herself, I mean it’s completely understandable, who would want to spend time with me, I’m a useless idiot and I loathe myself and am the one who knows myself best, and oh shit she doesn’t want to see me anymore, I’m sad. And something of that ilk. To explain that her thinking is insulting will be further evidence of her being not worthwhile, that all she’s managed to do is insult. She’s her own worst critic. Critique is hard. Better to emphasise the positive, “of course I want to spend time with you, I meant it sounded interesting because it did - my head doesn’t do the things your head does - I couldn’t have possibly imagined you’d think that, how do we close the gap on our communication so I can say what I think and you can hear my intent? To think I’d say something that hurts you actually hurts me, but I know it’s not about me and I value our friendship to want to know how to communicate with you so we are both reassured - where I’m not worrying about what you might interpret away from my intent and you can feel safe knowing that things are okay. What do you think might work?” | |||
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"*visible" I'm gonna take a pic of this message its gonna be worth a fortune one day | |||
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"*visibleI'm gonna take a pic of this message its gonna be worth a fortune one day "I don’t understand. | |||
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"I’d like to conduct an experiment. Are the over-thinkers more or less likely to be in a successful relationship? And for either a successfully coupled over- or not-over-thinker what is the think status of their partner?
Both under thinkers in a successful relationship here.
Okeydoke
Can we locate a female over-thinker in a successful couple....La Fee - what’s G-man?"P is an over and I'm (LB) very much an under. | |||
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"I’d like to conduct an experiment. Are the over-thinkers more or less likely to be in a successful relationship? And for either a successfully coupled over- or not-over-thinker what is the think status of their partner?
Both under thinkers in a successful relationship here.
Okeydoke
Can we locate a female over-thinker in a successful couple....La Fee - what’s G-man?
P is an over and I'm (LB) very much an under.
"Can you clarify which is the female for me? It’s part of my analysis. | |||
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"I’d like to conduct an experiment. Are the over-thinkers more or less likely to be in a successful relationship? And for either a successfully coupled over- or not-over-thinker what is the think status of their partner?
Both under thinkers in a successful relationship here.
Okeydoke
Can we locate a female over-thinker in a successful couple....La Fee - what’s G-man?
P is an over and I'm (LB) very much an under.
Can you clarify which is the female for me? It’s part of my analysis. "P is female. Got it (checked your profile) | |||
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"I am reading this with great interest. The association of anxiety resonates with me somewhat. I see the kiss fuck avoid type threads and the sensible me knows it is lighthearted nonsense. The analytical me thinks what if I say fuck to someone but they wouldn't like me, why have I been skipped, what if I don't mention someone I really like, what if I miss someone who might like me.... An off switch would be helpful." Apologies for derailing rather. | |||
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"I am reading this with great interest. The association of anxiety resonates with me somewhat. I see the kiss fuck avoid type threads and the sensible me knows it is lighthearted nonsense. The analytical me thinks what if I say fuck to someone but they wouldn't like me, why have I been skipped, what if I don't mention someone I really like, what if I miss someone who might like me.... An off switch would be helpful. Apologies for derailing rather. " No need to apologise | |||
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"Who gets themselves tied up in knots because they overthink the opinion of others? Have you lost out on a potential friendship because you misread a comment, a post or a message? Are you so self analytical that when you get messaged you cannot understand why someone would want to chat with you, so end up blowing it because you think it is too good to be true? Come join the overthinkers club and share your thoughts..." No way. Simply because they're just different points of view expressed by people we don't know and in all likelihood will never meet. Just enjoy the forums, we suspect that's what most others do on here. | |||
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"Guilty of this on occasion. Very easy to mis read the written word. I find that too with the written word. Is it because stripped of all those human non verbal reactions that make communication more complete we have less of a full feel for the message perhaps? I think so. Emojis didn't happen by accident." Even they are open to misinterpretation and may help connect some of the missing elements of direct human contact. Face to face can be misinterpreted too but perhaps that's always the better way? It's direct and instantaneous and avoids the delays and limited continuity of txt. But yet face to face always seems to be the end point of interactions online. I wonder if actually stepping away from keyboards into the real world more readily would change the dynamics of how we do connect with others? | |||
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"Guilty of this on occasion. Very easy to mis read the written word. I find that too with the written word. Is it because stripped of all those human non verbal reactions that make communication more complete we have less of a full feel for the message perhaps? I think so. Emojis didn't happen by accident. Even they are open to misinterpretation and may help connect some of the missing elements of direct human contact. Face to face can be misinterpreted too but perhaps that's always the better way? It's direct and instantaneous and avoids the delays and limited continuity of txt. But yet face to face always seems to be the end point of interactions online. I wonder if actually stepping away from keyboards into the real world more readily would change the dynamics of how we do connect with others?" Absolutely. Text chat is just a guide. Face to face convos tell you more about a person obviously. | |||
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I think it comes from the need to try and protect myself from bad stuff happening. In the happiest of situations, my brain over thinks to the extent of virtually talking me out of happiest place to a point of despair, it's awful. Hate it. | |||
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"I'm an over thinker and to be honest this site doesn't help with that, but hey ho." I often use this site as an extension of my overthinking. Which oddly I find useful and reassuring. | |||
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"I'm an over thinker and to be honest this site doesn't help with that, but hey ho. I often use this site as an extension of my overthinking. Which oddly I find useful and reassuring. " Maybe the over thinking is in part internalizing all the what if's. Looking at too many of the negatives and the pitfalls rather than considering the potential upsides. It seems a common theme here that over thinking is always in a self preservation fear or negative mode. I wonder if reprogramming how we respond to things helps. Instead of our thoughts being what could go wrong; why are they interested in me; etc., that we take a more reasoned view of the world... They contacted me therefore they must see something in me that attracts for example... If we start thinking from a different place do we then accept more and balence the tendency to negativity and over thinking with an approach that delivers more balenced approaches to life? And if so how do we actually change that internalisation to both recognise the over thinking and then change the way we look at...well everything? | |||
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"I have major self esteem issues, I can Literally drive myself into total isolation as I’m worried I may over stay my welcome. At social events I’ll stay in the background and won’t approah people for fear of rejection, yet sexually I’m confident. It’s a constant battle xx" Have you always had them? | |||
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"I have major self esteem issues, I can Literally drive myself into total isolation as I’m worried I may over stay my welcome. At social events I’ll stay in the background and won’t approah people for fear of rejection, yet sexually I’m confident. It’s a constant battle xx Have you always had them? " No, when I was a teen I was fine | |||
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" Ok, thank you. I'm understanding better. So my friend who thought I didn't want to meet her again because I remarked that something she said sounded interesting feels that she isn't interesting so I couldn't possibly mean that therefore must have meant it sarcastically? Would it put further pressure on if I explained that to a non over thinker these reactions can appear insulting? Honestly, she’s the only one that could tell you why (and even then might not be able to explain why) she interpreted your comment to mean something so different from your intent. For me, projecting, I’d say if I’d interpreted that comment in that way it would likely stem from a fear that I’m a burden, that I’m having a hard time in my head currently and feel like it’s visibke to everyone and that my friends who I know love me are going to very soon feel unable to bear me feeling this way much longer and then I’ll be alone and I want to be extra fun and extra worthwhile for them and propose the best possible adventures and be the best possible fun and caring friend for them and oh “sounds interesting” oh god, is she unsure, trying to be polite, realised I’m too much hassle, oh god here it comes the rejection, better to pre-empt and say I understand that she wants to distance herself, I mean it’s completely understandable, who would dwant to spend time with me, I’m a useless idiot and I loathe myself and am the one who knows myself best, and oh shit she doesn’t want to see me anymore, I’m sad. And something of that ilk. To explain that her thinking is insulting will be further evidence of her being not worthwhile, that all she’s managed to do is insult. She’s her own worst critic. Critique is hard. Better to emphasise the positive, “of course I want to spend time with you, I meant it sounded interesting because it did - my head doesn’t do the things your head does - I couldn’t have possibly imagined you’d think that, how do we close the gap on our communication so I can say what I think and you can hear my intent? To think I’d say something that hurts you actually hurts me, but I know it’s not about me and I value our friendship to want to know how to communicate with you so we are both reassured - where I’m not worrying about what you might interpret away from my intent and you can feel safe knowing that things are okay. What do you think might work?” " I truthfully have no idea what might work. I don't think that her thinking is insulting I'm aware that she can't control that, I find her expression of it insulting though and don't understand why her over thinking doesn't extend to considering the impact of her words. | |||
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" Ok, thank you. I'm understanding better. So my friend who thought I didn't want to meet her again because I remarked that something she said sounded interesting feels that she isn't interesting so I couldn't possibly mean that therefore must have meant it sarcastically? Would it put further pressure on if I explained that to a non over thinker these reactions can appear insulting? Honestly, she’s the only one that could tell you why (and even then might not be able to explain why) she interpreted your comment to mean something so different from your intent. For me, projecting, I’d say if I’d interpreted that comment in that way it would likely stem from a fear that I’m a burden, that I’m having a hard time in my head currently and feel like it’s visibke to everyone and that my friends who I know love me are going to very soon feel unable to bear me feeling this way much longer and then I’ll be alone and I want to be extra fun and extra worthwhile for them and propose the best possible adventures and be the best possible fun and caring friend for them and oh “sounds interesting” oh god, is she unsure, trying to be polite, realised I’m too much hassle, oh god here it comes the rejection, better to pre-empt and say I understand that she wants to distance herself, I mean it’s completely understandable, who would dwant to spend time with me, I’m a useless idiot and I loathe myself and am the one who knows myself best, and oh shit she doesn’t want to see me anymore, I’m sad. And something of that ilk. To explain that her thinking is insulting will be further evidence of her being not worthwhile, that all she’s managed to do is insult. She’s her own worst critic. Critique is hard. Better to emphasise the positive, “of course I want to spend time with you, I meant it sounded interesting because it did - my head doesn’t do the things your head does - I couldn’t have possibly imagined you’d think that, how do we close the gap on our communication so I can say what I think and you can hear my intent? To think I’d say something that hurts you actually hurts me, but I know it’s not about me and I value our friendship to want to know how to communicate with you so we are both reassured - where I’m not worrying about what you might interpret away from my intent and you can feel safe knowing that things are okay. What do you think might work?” I truthfully have no idea what might work. I don't think that her thinking is insulting I'm aware that she can't control that, I find her expression of it insulting though and don't understand why her over thinking doesn't extend to considering the impact of her words." Ahh no, you see I wasn’t asking you in my question, I was posing that this might be a gentler way of asking her. All the questions that you have, ask. Sometimes under stress people blurt out their words as they almost can’t get them out any other way, or they’re so fraught with the noise in their head they’ve not the skill for making the words more deft or gentle or clearer. It’s not easy, being with overthinkers is hard work. It is. They are aware of it. They live with themselves! | |||
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" Ok, thank you. I'm understanding better. So my friend who thought I didn't want to meet her again because I remarked that something she said sounded interesting feels that she isn't interesting so I couldn't possibly mean that therefore must have meant it sarcastically? Would it put further pressure on if I explained that to a non over thinker these reactions can appear insulting? Honestly, she’s the only one that could tell you why (and even then might not be able to explain why) she interpreted your comment to mean something so different from your intent. For me, projecting, I’d say if I’d interpreted that comment in that way it would likely stem from a fear that I’m a burden, that I’m having a hard time in my head currently and feel like it’s visibke to everyone and that my friends who I know love me are going to very soon feel unable to bear me feeling this way much longer and then I’ll be alone and I want to be extra fun and extra worthwhile for them and propose the best possible adventures and be the best possible fun and caring friend for them and oh “sounds interesting” oh god, is she unsure, trying to be polite, realised I’m too much hassle, oh god here it comes the rejection, better to pre-empt and say I understand that she wants to distance herself, I mean it’s completely understandable, who would dwant to spend time with me, I’m a useless idiot and I loathe myself and am the one who knows myself best, and oh shit she doesn’t want to see me anymore, I’m sad. And something of that ilk. To explain that her thinking is insulting will be further evidence of her being not worthwhile, that all she’s managed to do is insult. She’s her own worst critic. Critique is hard. Better to emphasise the positive, “of course I want to spend time with you, I meant it sounded interesting because it did - my head doesn’t do the things your head does - I couldn’t have possibly imagined you’d think that, how do we close the gap on our communication so I can say what I think and you can hear my intent? To think I’d say something that hurts you actually hurts me, but I know it’s not about me and I value our friendship to want to know how to communicate with you so we are both reassured - where I’m not worrying about what you might interpret away from my intent and you can feel safe knowing that things are okay. What do you think might work?” I truthfully have no idea what might work. I don't think that her thinking is insulting I'm aware that she can't control that, I find her expression of it insulting though and don't understand why her over thinking doesn't extend to considering the impact of her words. Ahh no, you see I wasn’t asking you in my question, I was posing that this might be a gentler way of asking her. All the questions that you have, ask. Sometimes under stress people blurt out their words as they almost can’t get them out any other way, or they’re so fraught with the noise in their head they’ve not the skill for making the words more deft or gentle or clearer. It’s not easy, being with overthinkers is hard work. It is. They are aware of it. They live with themselves! " I see, I understand. Well we've negotiated the blip successfully anyway so we must be doing something right. | |||
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" I see, I understand. Well we've negotiated the blip successfully anyway so we must be doing something right. "That’s wonderful. | |||
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"Out of interest is over thinking another way of describing anxiety? There’s massive interplay but no they are separate. One can overthink, obsess, replay and ruminate over something that doesn’t cause anxiety. Ok, so does an over thinker remain calm even while engaging in it. Should the friend of an over thinker explain the remark that has been over thought or does that enable the over thinker to carry on doing it? I'm trying to understand my overthinking friends. Let me think.
Honestly, I think the thing that’s hard to comprehend that happens for over-thinkers is that whatever you say / do will set off a chain of splicing thoughts. Overthinking leaves you both tired and wired simultaneously.
What the chain of thoughts are really depends on the individual, often we are replaying entrenched learning or deep-set thoughts/opinions we have about our worth/experiences etc - so wildly different per person. The thing that is hard - really hard - is the acceptance that they’ll need that allowance for their heads to jump round the houses and come back. Explaining your meaning gently, and not personalising how they’ve taken what you’ve said (difficult because you said it and you’re their friend and why would they ever think of you as unsafe, it’s hard to get that it’s not about you, it’s about their perception of themselves and they just need to dance it before they can acclimate) will help - allowing them to clarify and ask / check intent will help. They’ll have periods where they need this less but at times when everything is overwhelming they’ll struggle more even with the most ridiculous interpretations. Patience.
An example I can give of how wildly different someone can view a situation was explained on an abuse survivor website, whilst I’m not saying that this is the case for all - it demonstrates how one person’s perceptions can be at odds with another’s even in the most innocuous situation:
“ Being abused can seriously affect your ability to distinguish between “not obviously pleased” and “obviously displeased” because abusers go from neutral to hostile for absolutely no discernible reason, and eventually you start worrying that everyone is going to be like that and you start feeling this urge to make absolutely sure that the people you actually care about aren’t mad or upset, because to you, “there’s no evidence that they’re not angry” is the same as “there’s evidence that they are angry” ”" | |||
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"I am an over thinker....to the extent I drive Hubby mad.. I question myself and I am very self critical..it's easy for others to say stop it but it's a part of me that i would love to overcome... "Agreed. To say stop it is both patronising and dismissive and failing to have any actual care for the other. Sorry. I’m angry because someone just said it to me. | |||
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"I’m a meh-so what, underthinker. I’ve been single for 30 years but that’s because I’m primal prey (thanks Frisky )"Oooohhhh...another primal prey! Yay! I find with me it goes: “I really need to focus on getting this project brief set out, brain, so work with me here.” “Yes, but...” “No buts, this needs to get done before I present it tomorrow.” “Yes, but...” “No. I only have a few hours left to get this sorted” “Yes, but remember that one time at that dinner party in New York eight years ago when you said that really stupid thing...” *sighs* “Well, that’s me out for the next four hours, thanks brain.” I’m an overthinker but I’m spending a fortune on therapy that basically boils down to - it’s never as bad as you think it’s going to be, you haven’t a clue how it’s going to be and you can’t predict what people will think of x, y, z so chill the fuck out. You’d think I’d get the message. But hey ho, it’s all good. In reply to Blanche, I’m an overthinker, my other half is even worse and we make it work, mainly because we don’t overthink each other. I reckon, anyway. | |||
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"I’m a meh-so what, underthinker. I’ve been single for 30 years but that’s because I’m primal prey (thanks Frisky )
Oooohhhh...another primal prey! Yay!
I find with me it goes:
“I really need to focus on getting this project brief set out, brain, so work with me here.”
“Yes, but...”
“No buts, this needs to get done before I present it tomorrow.”
“Yes, but...”
“No. I only have a few hours left to get this sorted”
“Yes, but remember that one time at that dinner party in New York eight years ago when you said that really stupid thing...”
*sighs* “Well, that’s me out for the next four hours, thanks brain.”
I’m an overthinker but I’m spending a fortune on therapy that basically boils down to - it’s never as bad as you think it’s going to be, you haven’t a clue how it’s going to be and you can’t predict what people will think of x, y, z so chill the fuck out. You’d think I’d get the message.
But hey ho, it’s all good.
In reply to Blanche, I’m an overthinker, my other half is even worse and we make it work, mainly because we don’t overthink each other. I reckon, anyway. "Thanks! My research concludes everyone is loveable and has the potential to be successfully partnered. ‘cept me.
People are dicks. | |||
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Off to find my violin | |||
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"I come on the forums and post and mostly get ignored. Yes I know lots of us do, just makes me feel unimportant/overlooked and unwanted
Off to find my violin "Hugs x | |||
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"I come on the forums and post and mostly get ignored. Yes I know lots of us do, just makes me feel unimportant/overlooked and unwanted
Off to find my violin
Hugs x"Thank you sweetie | |||
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"I am an over thinker....to the extent I drive Hubby mad.. I question myself and I am very self critical..it's easy for others to say stop it but it's a part of me that i would love to overcome...
Agreed. To say stop it is both patronising and dismissive and failing to have any actual care for the other.
Sorry. I’m angry because someone just said it to me. "A conscience and being reflective is better than being heartless.. | |||
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"I am an over thinker....to the extent I drive Hubby mad.. I question myself and I am very self critical..it's easy for others to say stop it but it's a part of me that i would love to overcome...
Agreed. To say stop it is both patronising and dismissive and failing to have any actual care for the other.
Sorry. I’m angry because someone just said it to me.
A conscience and being reflective is better than being heartless.. "Thank you. That means a lot. | |||
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".... An example I can give of how wildly different someone can view a situation was explained on an abuse survivor website, whilst I’m not saying that this is the case for all - it demonstrates how one person’s perceptions can be at odds with another’s even in the most innocuous situation: “ Being abused can seriously affect your ability to distinguish between “not obviously pleased” and “obviously displeased” because abusers go from neutral to hostile for absolutely no discernible reason, and eventually you start worrying that everyone is going to be like that and you start feeling this urge to make absolutely sure that the people you actually care about aren’t mad or upset, because to you, “there’s no evidence that they’re not angry” is the same as “there’s evidence that they are angry” ”" This makes sense. How do I help someone like this? She's constantly worrying that she pissed people off. She's trying to trust again but it sounds like the guy isn't interested. He says he wants to meet her but cancels every time with excuses or real reasons, we don't know. I've told her to dump him but as she's trying to trust again, she's decided to believe his words and ignore his actions. | |||
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"I come on the forums and post and mostly get ignored. Yes I know lots of us do, just makes me feel unimportant/overlooked and unwanted
Off to find my violin "I notice you. | |||
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".... An example I can give of how wildly different someone can view a situation was explained on an abuse survivor website, whilst I’m not saying that this is the case for all - it demonstrates how one person’s perceptions can be at odds with another’s even in the most innocuous situation: “ Being abused can seriously affect your ability to distinguish between “not obviously pleased” and “obviously displeased” because abusers go from neutral to hostile for absolutely no discernible reason, and eventually you start worrying that everyone is going to be like that and you start feeling this urge to make absolutely sure that the people you actually care about aren’t mad or upset, because to you, “there’s no evidence that they’re not angry” is the same as “there’s evidence that they are angry” ” This makes sense. How do I help someone like this? She's constantly worrying that she pissed people off. She's trying to trust again but it sounds like the guy isn't interested. He says he wants to meet her but cancels every time with excuses or real reasons, we don't know. I've told her to dump him but as she's trying to trust again, she's decided to believe his words and ignore his actions." Trying to trust does not mean don’t utilise all your resources. Therapy. It requires someone qualified and safe to help someone learn their patterns and reform safe(r) responses. I’m a big advocate for therapy. | |||
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".... An example I can give of how wildly different someone can view a situation was explained on an abuse survivor website, whilst I’m not saying that this is the case for all - it demonstrates how one person’s perceptions can be at odds with another’s even in the most innocuous situation: “ Being abused can seriously affect your ability to distinguish between “not obviously pleased” and “obviously displeased” because abusers go from neutral to hostile for absolutely no discernible reason, and eventually you start worrying that everyone is going to be like that and you start feeling this urge to make absolutely sure that the people you actually care about aren’t mad or upset, because to you, “there’s no evidence that they’re not angry” is the same as “there’s evidence that they are angry” ” This makes sense. How do I help someone like this? She's constantly worrying that she pissed people off. She's trying to trust again but it sounds like the guy isn't interested. He says he wants to meet her but cancels every time with excuses or real reasons, we don't know. I've told her to dump him but as she's trying to trust again, she's decided to believe his words and ignore his actions. Trying to trust does not mean don’t utilise all your resources. Therapy. It requires someone qualified and safe to help someone learn their patterns and reform safe(r) responses. I’m a big advocate for therapy. " Fuck. I need therapy. | |||
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