FabSwingers.com forum: Afraid to hope?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"”Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

Red, The Shawshank Redemption

The end of a romance can be one of the most painful experiences of our lives. Recent studies even suggest that the hurt of romantic rejection lights up the same region of the brain as physical pain. In that sense, our minds see precious little difference between broken hearts and broken limbs. With as much pain as it causes when we open our heart to someone and have it crushed, perhaps the most remarkable thing is that we keep searching for love at all.

But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think the desire to find love can be extinguished through the painful experiences of the past as we shut ourselves off from feeling. However anyone who remains open to feeling the cosmic drive to become united in love fuels our search. A life without love, for me, would be futile and meaningless

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

""”Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

Red, The Shawshank Redemption

But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”"

No, love is the only thing worth living for

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think the desire to find love can be extinguished through the painful experiences of the past as we shut ourselves off from feeling. However anyone who remains open to feeling the cosmic drive to become united in love fuels our search. A life without love, for me, would be futile and meaningless "

Keep the faith, you say?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

No, love is the only thing worth living for

We’re such romantics!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I don't think so but I have friends who are afraid to commit to a relationship.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don't think so but I have friends who are afraid to commit to a relationship."

And what do you think their reasoning is?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

“Anxiously attached people often try to protect themselves from being hurt by controlling love with demands and questions. Avoidants manage their fear by keeping their partners at arms length, never letting them close enough to risk being hurt. For both styles, intimacy becomes fraught, and attachment is equated with loss (because the more you care, the more you stand to lose). It should come as no surprise, then, that the biggest fights between these two styles generally happen just when they start to feel close. It's during moments of true intimacy that people who fear losing love are the most adept at killing it.”

Is it possible to be both anxiously and avoidantly attached simultaneously?!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"“Anxiously attached people often try to protect themselves from being hurt by controlling love with demands and questions. Avoidants manage their fear by keeping their partners at arms length, never letting them close enough to risk being hurt. For both styles, intimacy becomes fraught, and attachment is equated with loss (because the more you care, the more you stand to lose). It should come as no surprise, then, that the biggest fights between these two styles generally happen just when they start to feel close. It's during moments of true intimacy that people who fear losing love are the most adept at killing it.”

Is it possible to be both anxiously and avoidantly attached simultaneously?! "

I would agree with this totally. But then the 'once bitten twice shy' effect comes into play.

I'm getting better at it though

P x

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've been musing on something similar recently.

I gave up on the pursuit of love, or at the very least romantic love, a while ago, it's not something I'm looking for at the moment. It's in part down to fear. A large part. But I have been trying to put my focus elsewhere. And while I don't have romantic love in my life I do still have a lot of love. I can say in all honesty that I have never loved anyone or anything the way I love my nephew and I am putting the effort in to being a good uncle.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I don't think so but I have friends who are afraid to commit to a relationship.

And what do you think their reasoning is?"

For one who went through a painful relationship breakdown its the fear of getting hurt again. She is a very difficult person to get close to even with her female friends and even now having been friends with her for years she won't instigate contact for fear of rejection.

Another has had fear of close relationships instilled in her by her parents. As soon as it looks as if a man wants more than a casual thing she's off.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Is it possible to be both anxiously and avoidantly attached simultaneously?!

I would agree with this totally. But then the 'once bitten twice shy' effect comes into play.

I'm getting better at it though

P x "

Does the anxious attachment or avoidant resonate most? I’ll put some more info up. X

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

""”Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

Red, The Shawshank Redemption

But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”"

I avoided forming romantic feelings for anyone for a long time, I can trace all of the pain in my life to women, women have hurt me all my life so there comes a time when you say "nope, not doing that any more".

But then I got blind sided by the maid, she flew in under my radar and slammed right into every wall I had built up and turned them into rubble.

I was dead against falling in love, the thought of handing someone that much power to hurt me was the stupidest thing I could imagine doing, but I've handed maid my heart freely and completely, and I can't imagine her ever doing anything to hurt me, she's my power, she makes me feel like a king.

So the fear is real, but it could stop you having the love and life you deserve

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Keep the faith, you say?

"
. I do

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Anxious attachment: “questions whether or not any love will last, expressing constant doubts about their relationship, their partner’s faithfulness, and their partner’s investment in their future. In short, they display the hallmark behaviors of the anxious style: a preoccupation with their relationship and worry about their partner's ability to be there when they need them.”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Is it possible to be both anxiously and avoidantly attached simultaneously?! "

Probably.

I'm an uncomplicated soul though and tend to accept that painful emotional experiences in the past don't necessarily repeat themselves so while I can sympathise with people who feel this way I don't properly understand it.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Avoidant attachment: “they keep their partner at arms length, frequently "forget" to call, and often hint at more than a passing interest in other people. According to research, avoidants equate intimacy with a loss of independence and, perhaps as result, they constantly limit closeness.”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *iss.HoneyWoman
over a year ago

...

People always leave, one way or another, so I guess I gave up hoping for anything.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

""”Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

Red, The Shawshank Redemption

But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

But then I got blind sided by the maid, she flew in under my radar and slammed right into every wall I had built up and turned them into rubble.

So the fear is real, but it could stop you having the love and life you deserve "

That’s lovely KB

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is it possible to be both anxiously and avoidantly attached simultaneously?!

I would agree with this totally. But then the 'once bitten twice shy' effect comes into play.

I'm getting better at it though

P x

Does the anxious attachment or avoidant resonate most? I’ll put some more info up. X

Anxious. The worry that it'll all happen again at some point. I guess the key is remembering everyone is different and if you don't even try to love again, even if it is for just a short time, you miss out on the sweetest moments.

I'm an eternal romantic though

P x

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Anxious attachment: “questions whether or not any love will last, expressing constant doubts about their relationship, their partner’s faithfulness, and their partner’s investment in their future. In short, they display the hallmark behaviors of the anxious style: a preoccupation with their relationship and worry about their partner's ability to be there when they need them.”"

Yep that's the one

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I've been musing on something similar recently.

Fear of being hurt? Hurt again? Or fear of not being deserving?

And your nephew is lucky to have a wonderful and loving uncle

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The old saying. .better to loved and lost....

But is it?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The old saying. .better to loved and lost....

But is it?

Yes it is.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don't think so but I have friends who are afraid to commit to a relationship.

And what do you think their reasoning is?

Another has had fear of close relationships instilled in her by her parents. As soon as it looks as if a man wants more than a casual thing she's off."

What I find interesting is how simply from the outside we can “read” a person’s pain/patterns. I wonder if we read it correctly (I’m musing, not particularly commenting on your two friends), if sometimes we kid ourselves that we are more complex than we are, or whether we read our projections on others and are off.

Do you think your friends are self aware about their patterns? Are they actively wanting to address / modify them?

Is it even possible, or are we condemned to replaying our traumas eternally?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

""”Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

Red, The Shawshank Redemption

But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”"

You don’t half get me thinking, ok when my marriage ended I thought that love wasn’t something I’d experience again and didn’t want to put myself in a position that I could be hurt to such a degree ever again. So I started dating and it was fun no deep and heavy feelings. Then I started to hope that maybe I could love again but didn’t think that anyone would or could love me, I was with a guy who I started to get feelings for bit they wasn’t returned. Mr came along and was honest that he wasn’t sure if he wanted the whole relationship thing so I was safe. But then we both started to commit to each other and feelings developed, I’ve never been so scared of something for so long so I tested him thinking if he says no that’s ok he can’t hurt me but he passed .

I know that it’s past experience that makes me scared and everyday I hope I haven’t made the wrong choice in letting myself fall in love but it happens despite my putting up barriers. X

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The old saying. .better to loved and lost....

But is it?

I think so

But then I never give up hope of being with someone when I'm old. Having the sort of love that lasts and looking back together at all the happy memories you shared. That to me is my ultimate goal

P x

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

""”Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

Red, The Shawshank Redemption

But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

But then I got blind sided by the maid, she flew in under my radar and slammed right into every wall I had built up and turned them into rubble.

So the fear is real, but it could stop you having the love and life you deserve "

That’s beautiful.

But does it take someone coming to “rescue” or slam down your walls? I fear so much that no one will think it’s worth the effort with me. I’m trying to work out how to break down the walls from within my own prison.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've been musing on something similar recently.

Fear of being hurt? Hurt again? Or fear of not being deserving?

And your nephew is lucky to have a wonderful and loving uncle

Fear of being hurt again. Last time broke me and it's taken me a long time to come back.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Keep the faith, you say?

. I do"

Nods.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ecretlyASoftieWoman
over a year ago

Hull but travel regularly

Attached is a great book, I have the audio book and listened to it again a few weeks back. It makes so much sense. I’m anxious with some avoidant. After bad experiences I think I focused on swinging to get sex and connection without the possibility of hurt. I still found hurt though. I need a nice secure man and it’s now time for that. It’s what I really need and what’s driven my recent profile change

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Is it possible to be both anxiously and avoidantly attached simultaneously?!

Probably.

I was talking to someone about self-fulfilling prophecies. I wonder, would you feel that way if the same thing kept happening or is it that you strongly don’t think that they won’t repeat that they don’t? I’ve no answer!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"People always leave, one way or another, so I guess I gave up hoping for anything."

People.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Is it possible to be both anxiously and avoidantly attached simultaneously?!

I would agree with this totally. But then the 'once bitten twice shy' effect comes into play.

I'm getting better at it though

P x

Does the anxious attachment or avoidant resonate most? I’ll put some more info up. X

I'm an eternal romantic though

P x "

I am an eternal romantic too.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Yep that's the one

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The old saying. .better to loved and lost....

But is it?

Exactly!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The old saying. .better to loved and lost....

But is it?

Yes it is."

Would we answer one way whilst in a loving and fulfilling love, and another when not though?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

""”Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

Red, The Shawshank Redemption

But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

I know that it’s past experience that makes me scared and everyday I hope I haven’t made the wrong choice in letting myself fall in love but it happens despite my putting up barriers. X "

How did you “test” him?

I find myself testing, pushing away, causing problems, anything to speed up the inevitable rejection.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The old saying. .better to loved and lost....

But is it?

I think so

But then I never give up hope of being with someone when I'm old. Having the sort of love that lasts and looking back together at all the happy memories you shared. That to me is my ultimate goal

P x "

Opening scene of Up!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

""”Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

Red, The Shawshank Redemption

But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

But then I got blind sided by the maid, she flew in under my radar and slammed right into every wall I had built up and turned them into rubble.

So the fear is real, but it could stop you having the love and life you deserve

That’s beautiful.

Maid is more than a one in a million, she's one in a 3.5 billion waiting for someone like that involves incalculable odds, but to find love, you have to be open to love, I'm no expert, you know you, only you can know what you are capable of withstanding

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I've been musing on something similar recently.

Fear of being hurt? Hurt again? Or fear of not being deserving?

And your nephew is lucky to have a wonderful and loving uncle

Fear of being hurt again. Last time broke me and it's taken me a long time to come back. "

I’m not sure how many times I can handle. It happens faster and faster. I don’t know if it’s even real or if my heart is just playing out a familiar tune.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The old saying. .better to loved and lost....

But is it?

Yes it is.

Would we answer one way whilst in a loving and fulfilling love, and another when not though?"

I can only answer from the place I'm in now

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Actually I don’t even really know what love is.

(Have at it the Haddaway and Howard Jones references)

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm afraid of hoping to find that special someone, it's 'easier' to tell myself it isn't going to happen

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Attached is a great book, I have the audio book and listened to it again a few weeks back. It makes so much sense. I’m anxious with some avoidant. After bad experiences I think I focused on swinging to get sex and connection without the possibility of hurt. I still found hurt though. I need a nice secure man and it’s now time for that. It’s what I really need and what’s driven my recent profile change

I shall definitely have a look at that.

to you x

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

""”Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

Red, The Shawshank Redemption

But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

But then I got blind sided by the maid, she flew in under my radar and slammed right into every wall I had built up and turned them into rubble.

So the fear is real, but it could stop you having the love and life you deserve

That’s beautiful.

That makes sense

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The old saying. .better to loved and lost....

But is it?

Yes it is.

Would we answer one way whilst in a loving and fulfilling love, and another when not though?

I can only answer from the place I'm in now"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm afraid of hoping to find that special someone, it's 'easier' to tell myself it isn't going to happen"

What is the fear?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two years ago I would have found it hurtful to even believe in love, to hope for it.

I felt this brutal pain you mention.

But since something changed.

I have come to realise that I loved in a rather desperate way. I was piling up on love (or the object of my love) the expectation that it would made me feel happy, make me feel whole and that through it only I could find self love.

But at the same time as I hurt I discovered Ethical non monogamy and read about it's principles, and ethics. And I came to realise that I do not need anyone else for me to start loving myself. That to be happy in and out of relationships you must nurture yourself, become more aware of your emotions and feelings and realise that most of the time what we feel even if it is triggered by others, actually comes from within ourselves. I am learning to practice polyamory and find it so much more easy to move on from heart breaks and life's injuries with those notions in mind. Knowing that unless I love myself and make myself grow, my relationships will not improve. And that sometimes if a relationships ends, it is not a failure, that it still had changed me and helped me become a better person.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm not sure that it is better to have loved and lost ...

If you've never been in love then surely you don't crave to be in it?

Though I would like to be in love and have someone to grow old with - I just don't think I'm designed to be in a relationship.

I find them too difficult and the pain out weighs the good.

Maybe I just haven't found the right person for me ..

But I'm old enough to know what I want- and I don't want to suffer

Bumbling along by myself is sometimes sad - but having control of my emotions is much healthier for me.

I think ...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

""”Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

Red, The Shawshank Redemption

But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

I know that it’s past experience that makes me scared and everyday I hope I haven’t made the wrong choice in letting myself fall in love but it happens despite my putting up barriers. X

How did you “test” him?

I find myself testing, pushing away, causing problems, anything to speed up the inevitable rejection."

I let him see the real me, the one that needs to know I’m wanted not in a physical sense. The reality of life with my children, and the fact I’m not the strong person he knew. I also started to bring into it the fact I cared for him, thinking he’d back off, he didn’t and in fact said it back and tells me he cares for me more often than I tell him.

We’re both damaged from previous relationships so letting each other know we care isn’t always easy and he finds it easier to do when he’s driving lol.

But I get the whole pushing away, I do that with not letting others get to know the real me. I’m very closed up even to my friends and can’t say that I know how to change now. X

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Two years ago I would have found it hurtful to even believe in love, to hope for it.

I felt this brutal pain you mention.

But since something changed.

Nods, I don’t disagree and with my work head would say much of what you do. But my soul says self-nurture, self-love - what if you’re just not very worthwhile?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm not sure that it is better to have loved and lost ...

If you've never been in love then surely you don't crave to be in it?

Though I would like to be in love and have someone to grow old with - I just don't think I'm designed to be in a relationship.

I find them too difficult and the pain out weighs the good.

Maybe I just haven't found the right person for me ..

But I'm old enough to know what I want- and I don't want to suffer

Bumbling along by myself is sometimes sad - but having control of my emotions is much healthier for me.

I think ...

I find the emotions overwhelming even when in a self-imposed bubble of self-preservation. They get more and more acute the older I get.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And if you don’t shed a tear to the opening scene of ‘Up’ then you won’t ever know what love is, you have felt both pain and love, life should be about experiencing everything, the greatest enemy you will ever face will hide in the last place you will ever look ....J.Ceaser(a long time ago) so do not let fear hold you back, love yourself, let others love you and in turn you will love them

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

I almost started a thread last week entitled 'I know why I am single' but decided the last thing the forum needed was an old, fat bint going on about her stuff.

If the thread is still open later I may have a go at answering your OP. The forum might be kinder this week.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

""”Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

Red, The Shawshank Redemption

But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

I know that it’s past experience that makes me scared and everyday I hope I haven’t made the wrong choice in letting myself fall in love but it happens despite my putting up barriers. X

How did you “test” him?

I find myself testing, pushing away, causing problems, anything to speed up the inevitable rejection.

We’re both damaged from previous relationships so letting each other know we care isn’t always easy and he finds it easier to do when he’s driving lol.

But I get the whole pushing away, I do that with not letting others get to know the real me. I’m very closed up even to my friends and can’t say that I know how to change now. X "

Yes. It frightens me that my habits formed of fear and hope that one day someone might see beyond them, may now be a permanent prison.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"And if you don’t shed a tear to the opening scene of ‘Up’ then you won’t ever know what love is, you have felt both pain and love, life should be about experiencing everything, the greatest enemy you will ever face will hide in the last place you will ever look ....J.Ceaser(a long time ago) so do not let fear hold you back, love yourself, let others love you and in turn you will love them "

Lovely sentiment

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I almost started a thread last week entitled 'I know why I am single' but decided the last thing the forum needed was an old, fat bint going on about her stuff.

If the thread is still open later I may have a go at answering your OP. The forum might be kinder this week.

Please do.

And the forum is just going to have to suffer me, this old, fat bint going on about her stuff. I find it helpful. And I’m trying to be continually choosing to be authentically vulnerable, I’ve spent so much time hiding. No more.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The old saying. .better to loved and lost....

But is it?

I think so

But then I never give up hope of being with someone when I'm old. Having the sort of love that lasts and looking back together at all the happy memories you shared. That to me is my ultimate goal

P x

Opening scene of Up! "

Maybe unrealistic but I'm an eternal optimist too

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

everyone deals with it differently , some hit the drink , some throw themselves into work , some go straight out and find another partner

funny old game ...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fear is in all of us, I’ve been single ten years now and while Ive dated as soon as it starts looking like there’s feelings I too instigate ‘the test’ because the fear inside tells us to, my greatest enemy is me and always will be x

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ecretlyASoftieWoman
over a year ago

Hull but travel regularly

"I almost started a thread last week entitled 'I know why I am single' but decided the last thing the forum needed was an old, fat bint going on about her stuff.

If the thread is still open later I may have a go at answering your OP. The forum might be kinder this week.

Please do.

Vulnerability is hard but I respect you doing it. It encourages me bit by bit to post vulnerable stuff. Brene brown on that is awesome too

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The old saying. .better to loved and lost....

But is it?

I think so

But then I never give up hope of being with someone when I'm old. Having the sort of love that lasts and looking back together at all the happy memories you shared. That to me is my ultimate goal

P x

Opening scene of Up!

Maybe unrealistic but I'm an eternal optimist too

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"everyone deals with it differently , some hit the drink , some throw themselves into work , some go straight out and find another partner

funny old game ..."

Innit

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Fear is in all of us, I’ve been single ten years now and while Ive dated as soon as it starts looking like there’s feelings I too instigate ‘the test’ because the fear inside tells us to, my greatest enemy is me and always will be x"

Nods

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I almost started a thread last week entitled 'I know why I am single' but decided the last thing the forum needed was an old, fat bint going on about her stuff.

If the thread is still open later I may have a go at answering your OP. The forum might be kinder this week.

Please do.

Vulnerability is hard but I respect you doing it. It encourages me bit by bit to post vulnerable stuff. Brene brown on that is awesome too

Oh I’m a big Brene fan

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm a hopeful romantic.

There is someone out there for everyone and if you find that special someone who makes your heart sing, you should count your blessings and bask in their love. It might not be a smooth path to eternal loved up bliss, but often the best things in life are worth fighting for and holding out for.

And there should be sex, and a fair amount of it!!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm a hopeful romantic.

And there should be sex, and a fair amount of it!!"

Word!!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The incurable romantic in me says

conquers all.

The practical realist in me is far too cynical to believe that; much as I may sometimes want to.

The ancient Greeks had 14 different words to describe love; we have just the one. And maybe that equating of love with vulnerability and opening up to another where their life is more precious than your own is just too scary a prospect if we have done so in the past and been hurt by the experience.

Here we see so many threads about love and emotions yet many try to pretend they don't exist or try to put such feelings in boxes with the lid closed tight.

They protest too much perhaps whether out of fear, or a need not to be hurt again, or a pretence that we can walk through life untouched by our interactions with others?

I don't believe that is ever possible to be that isolated that things including love never touch us. Does anyone?

If that is the case though where is the hope; the sunshine that makes life worth living fully in all its parts?

Everyone's experience will be different because we are all unique; and driven by different backgrounds and experience. Perhaps that's why it's such a complicated thing and yet we seem to spend our lives making it more complicated by analysing, or trying to, every single element of what love is and how we experience it.

Perhaps the analysis and paralysis it can cause are just to overdone; the fears to over examined; and the rational and emotional parts that make us whole too indivisible for that to ever work in a way that removes all risk from love or life.

Do I believe in love...of course.

Does it scare me....oh yes

Is it worth the risk... I hope so

But to borrow another line from the same movie...

We can get busy living or we can get busy dying...

But without

what's the point of life?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The incurable romantic in me says

conquers all.

The practical realist in me is far too cynical to believe that; much as I may sometimes want to.

Here we see so many threads about love and emotions yet many try to pretend they don't exist or try to put such feelings in boxes with the lid closed tight.

They protest too much perhaps whether out of fear, or a need not to be hurt again, or a pretence that we can walk through life untouched by our interactions with others?

I don't believe that is ever possible to be that isolated that things including love never touch us. Does anyone?

If that is the case though where is the hope; the sunshine that makes life worth living fully in all its parts?

Do I believe in love...of course.

Does it scare me....oh yes

Is it worth the risk... I hope so

But to borrow another line from the same movie...

We can get busy living or we can get busy dying...

But without

what's the point of life?

Well said.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

Relationships break up for many and various reasons.

I know it hurts like hell to have your heart broken but if you can accept it and learn from it you've got a chance of moving on.

If you don't you'll just end up stuck,repeating the same old patterns.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

The geek in me is looking up different types of love. Not sure I can find 14, but here’s what I have found:

“1. “EROS” OR EROTIC LOVE

The first kind of love is Eros, which is named after the Greek god of love and fertility. Eros represents the idea of sexual passion and desire.

The ancient Greeks considered Eros to be dangerous and frightening as it involves a “loss of control” through the primal impulse to procreate. Eros is a passionate and intense form of love that arouses romantic and sexual feelings.

Eros is an exulted and beautifully idealistic love that in the hearts of the spiritually mature can be used to “recall knowledge of beauty” (as Socrates put it) through Tantra and spiritual sex. But when misguided, eros can be misused, abused and indulged in, leading to impulsive acts and broken hearts.

Eros is a primal and powerful fire that burns out quickly. It needs its flame to be fanned through one of the deeper forms of love as it is centered around the selfish aspects of love, that is, personal infatuation and physical pleasure.”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hope is the worst of all evils.... Its just wishful thinking

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

“2. “PHILIA” OR AFFECTIONATE LOVE

The second type of love is philia, or friendship. The ancient Greeks valued philia far above eros because it was considered a love between equals.

Plato felt that physical attraction was not a necessary part of love, hence the use of the word platonic to mean, “without physical attraction.” Philia is a type of love that is felt among friends who’ve endured hard times together.

As Aristotle put it, philia is a “dispassionate virtuous love” that is free from the intensity of sexual attraction. It often involves the feelings of loyalty among friends, camaraderie among team mates, and the sense of sacrifice for your pack.”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

“3. “STORGE” OR FAMILIAR LOVE

Although storge closely resembles philia in that it is a love without physical attraction, storge is primarily to do with kinship and familiarity. Storge is a natural form of affection that often flows between parents and their children, and children for their parents.

Storge love can even be found among childhood friends that is later shared as adults. But although storge is a powerful form of love, it can also become an obstacle on our spiritual paths, especially when our family or friends don’t align with or support our journey.”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

“4. “LUDUS” OR PLAYFUL LOVE

Although ludus has a bit of the erotic eros in it, it is much more than that. The Greeks thought of ludus as a playful form of love, for example, the affection between young lovers.

Ludus is that feeling we have when we go through the early stages of falling in love with someone, e.g. the fluttering heart, flirting, teasing, and feelings of euphoria.

Playfulness in love is an essential ingredient that is often lost in long-term relationships. Yet playfulness is one of the secrets to keeping the childlike innocence of your love alive, interesting and exciting.”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

“5. “MANIA” OR OBSESSIVE LOVE

Mania love is a type of love that leads a partner into a type of madness and obsessiveness. It occurs when there is an imbalance between eros and ludus.

To those who experience mania, love itself is a means of rescuing themselves; a reinforcement of their own value as the sufferer of poor self-esteem. This person wants to love and be loved to find a sense of self-value. Because of this, they can become possessive and jealous lovers, feeling as though they desperately “need” their partners.

If the other partner fails to reciprocate with the same kind of mania love, many issues prevail. This is why mania can often lead to issues such as codependency.”

(Oooooh, thinks to herself...)

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

“6. “PRAGMA” OR ENDURING LOVE

Pragma is a love that has aged, matured and developed over time. It is beyond the physical, it has transcended the casual, and it is a unique harmony that has formed over time.

You can find pragma in married couples who’ve been together for a long time, or in friendships that have endured for decades. Unfortunately pragma is a type of love that is not easily found. We spend so much time and energy trying to find love and so little time in learning how to maintain it.

Unlike the other types of love, pragma is the result of effort on both sides. It’s the love between people who’ve learned to make compromises, have demonstrated patience and tolerance to make the relationship work.”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

“7. “PHILAUTIA” OR SELF LOVE

The Greeks understood that in order to care for others, we must first learn to care for ourselves. This form of self-love is not the unhealthy vanity and self-obsession that is focused on personal fame, gain and fortune as is the case with Narcissism.

Instead, philautia is self-love in its healthiest form. It shares the Buddhist philosophy of “self-compassion” which is the deep understanding that only once you have the strength to love yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin, will you be able to provide love to others. As Aristotle put it, “All friendly feelings for others are an extension of a man’s feelings for himself.”

You cannot share what you do not have. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love anyone else either. The only way to truly be happy is to find that unconditional love for yourself. Only once you learn to love and understand yourself, will you be ready to search for the spiritual freedom of the Self.”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

“8. “AGAPE” OR SELFLESS LOVE

The highest and most radical type of love according to the Greeks is agape, or selfless unconditional love.

This type of love is not the sentimental outpouring that often passes as love in our society. It has nothing to do with the condition-based type of love that our sex-obsessed culture tries to pass as love.

Agape is what some call spiritual love. It is an unconditional love, bigger than ourselves, a boundless compassion, an infinite empathy. It is what the Buddhists describe as “metta” or “universal loving kindness.” It is the purest form of love that is free from desires and expectations, and loves regardless of the flaws and shortcomings of others.

Agape is the love that is felt for that which we intuitively know as the divine truth: the love that accepts, forgives and believes for our greater good.”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Relationships break up for many and various reasons.

I know it hurts like hell to have your heart broken but if you can accept it and learn from it you've got a chance of moving on.

If you don't you'll just end up stuck,repeating the same old patterns.

Not even relationships! Interactions. But yes.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Hope is the worst of all evils.... Its just wishful thinking

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In my experience, being in a loving relationship can be amazing and scary. When I was in a relationship with my last ex, I felt like the happiest man alive but couldn't help but fear that the happiness won't last long and sadly two Christmases ago after 8 months of being together, due to circumstances that I won't go into, she broke my heart by dumping me by text.

After a year of rebuilding my confidence with the new friends I've made here, will I be ready to look for love? I may not be ready now but hopefully maybe one day I will.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hope is the worst of all evils.... Its just wishful thinking

"
.

The situation is hopeless.... If only I had hope it would be fine

... Errr no the situation is still hopeless your just feeling better about it being hopeless

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"In my experience, being in a loving relationship can be amazing and scary. When I was in a relationship with my last ex, I felt like the happiest man alive but couldn't help but fear that the happiness won't last long and sadly two Christmases ago after 8 months of being together, due to circumstances that I won't go into, she broke my heart by dumping me by text.

After a year of rebuilding my confidence with the new friends I've made here, will I be ready to look for love? I may not be ready now but hopefully maybe one day I will."

Sending you strength. X

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I don't think so but I have friends who are afraid to commit to a relationship.

And what do you think their reasoning is?

Another has had fear of close relationships instilled in her by her parents. As soon as it looks as if a man wants more than a casual thing she's off.

Do you think your friends are self aware about their patterns? Are they actively wanting to address / modify them?

Is it even possible, or are we condemned to replaying our traumas eternally?"

No idea if I'm reading correctly but I've known them both for a number of years and I've inferred from conversations etc. I know I'm not projecting my feelings on to them because I genuinely don't feel the way they do about relationships.

If they are self aware neither of them is actively wanting to address the situation and yes, in their cases I believe they're condemned to replaying their traumas.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don't think so but I have friends who are afraid to commit to a relationship.

And what do you think their reasoning is?

Another has had fear of close relationships instilled in her by her parents. As soon as it looks as if a man wants more than a casual thing she's off.

Do you think your friends are self aware about their patterns? Are they actively wanting to address / modify them?

Is it even possible, or are we condemned to replaying our traumas eternally?

If they are self aware neither of them is actively wanting to address the situation and yes, in their cases I believe they're condemned to replaying their traumas."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

After a year of rebuilding my confidence with the new friends I've made here, will I be ready to look for love? I may not be ready now but hopefully maybe one day I will.

Sending you strength. X"

Thank you. I'm sure that one day, when I feel ready, I will find love and do my best not to fear how long it will last

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Is it possible to be both anxiously and avoidantly attached simultaneously?!

Probably.

I strongly don't think they would keep happening because I would think about what it was in me that allowed the bad thing to happen then I wouldn't repeat it. Of course I couldn't prevent someone dying but I have control over many other things and if the same thing kept happening to me there would only be one common denominator.

I suspect that I'm wired differently to many people though.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve broken pretty much every bone in my body and a broken heart is by far the worst pain I’ve ever had. It always gets better in time tho even tho you won’t believe that when you’re going thru it.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think that people do choose to not look. If rather have never loved if I am honest. Just made me a weak minded idiot and certainly won't be making that mistake again

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Is it possible to be both anxiously and avoidantly attached simultaneously?!

Probably.

I suspect that I'm wired differently to many people though."

No that makes sense, and rationally it’s what I think. I agree.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I’ve broken pretty much every bone in my body and a broken heart is by far the worst pain I’ve ever had. It always gets better in time tho even tho you won’t believe that when you’re going thru it."

It’s a fascinating phenomenon.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think that people do choose to not look. If rather have never loved if I am honest. Just made me a weak minded idiot and certainly won't be making that mistake again "

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hope is a drug to which were all addicted, its the desire that our problems will be fixed by others or good fortune!.

Its entirely possible to despair at a hopeless situation but push on with our best foot forward knowing that trying and failing is reality but doesn't need to come with despair... After all the journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step and hope is not needed to take it

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ink Panther.Woman
over a year ago

Preston

I’d decided before joining Fab I didn’t want what I thought love was again. I was happy with NSA relationships, all the fun non of the heartache. I thought love meant compromise and change. This I’ve done all my adult live within relationships. I now realise I’d never been in love and was with the wrong ppl. When you meet the right person things are so easy. The person loves all of you and doesn’t try to change you. Compromise is inevitable but that’s life and it should be little things that you actually want to do for each other. That’s not to say there aren’t obstacles, but you can overcome them together and become stronger as a result.

The hope for love I didn’t find frightening, but I couldn’t see the benefits because of the changes to me I’d had to make in previous relationships. I would say to those who seek love, stop looking, don’t give up, it will find you when you least expect it if it’s meant to happen. Look at past failed relationships as learning experiences. When you find love you have those experiences to look back on and recognise that you have truly found love

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm afraid of hoping to find that special someone, it's 'easier' to tell myself it isn't going to happen

What is the fear? "

That the next one will break me. I'm already a spoilt version of the hopeless romantic I used to be. With every failed attempt or missed opportunity I think I get worse

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm a softy, very loving.

But crap at relationships and dating.

Others find partner after partner...

I'm in the ok to fuck but not keep category and I don't like it.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I’d decided before joining Fab I didn’t want what I thought love was again. I was happy with NSA relationships, all the fun non of the heartache. I thought love meant compromise and change. This I’ve done all my adult live within relationships. I now realise I’d never been in love and was with the wrong ppl. When you meet the right person things are so easy. The person loves all of you and doesn’t try to change you. Compromise is inevitable but that’s life and it should be little things that you actually want to do for each other. That’s not to say there aren’t obstacles, but you can overcome them together and become stronger as a result.

That’s lovely xx

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm afraid of hoping to find that special someone, it's 'easier' to tell myself it isn't going to happen

What is the fear?

That the next one will break me. I'm already a spoilt version of the hopeless romantic I used to be. With every failed attempt or missed opportunity I think I get worse "

Yes. I understand you.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ookingforlustMan
over a year ago

northants

“I can cope with despair, it’s the hope that kills me”. - John Cleese

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm a softy, very loving.

But crap at relationships and dating.

Others find partner after partner...

I'm in the ok to fuck but not keep category and I don't like it."

Ouch. Yes.

One day, us. One day x

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"“I can cope with despair, it’s the hope that kills me”. - John Cleese

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Relationships break up for many and various reasons.

I know it hurts like hell to have your heart broken but if you can accept it and learn from it you've got a chance of moving on.

If you don't you'll just end up stuck,repeating the same old patterns.

"
or you just stay single and get sex when required

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Relationships break up for many and various reasons.

I know it hurts like hell to have your heart broken but if you can accept it and learn from it you've got a chance of moving on.

If you don't you'll just end up stuck,repeating the same old patterns.

or you just stay single and get sex when required"

But, but....

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Great post, I guess it's one of the reasons I chose elpis as my name.

I'm lucky that I'm in a great place now with my life. I'm happier and more content than I've ever been. I think this makes me more suitable to be in a relationship than ever before, but ironically it's also made me want to be in a relationship the least I've ever wanted. And I'm being asked out left right and centre, and not just on here. There's even one guy that I would have been broken hearted about a few months ago that I only think of fondly now.

I think it's very true that you have to love yourself before anyone else can, but I think it's more true that it's better to expect exactly nothing from anyone else but to give it to yourself instead.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Great post, I guess it's one of the reasons I chose elpis as my name.

I think that’s rather well put. Thank you. I’m actually a very logically thinker and this appeals to my logic. I think my heart is this foreign organ that seems to have a mind of its own though!

(Also your new avatar is resplendent!)

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Great post, I guess it's one of the reasons I chose elpis as my name.

I think that’s rather well put. Thank you. I’m actually a very logically thinker and this appeals to my logic. I think my heart is this foreign organ that seems to have a mind of its own though!

(Also your new avatar is resplendent!) "

*logical (not logically!)

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Relationships break up for many and various reasons.

I know it hurts like hell to have your heart broken but if you can accept it and learn from it you've got a chance of moving on.

If you don't you'll just end up stuck,repeating the same old patterns.

or you just stay single and get sex when required

But, but...."
it works for some. For me once bitten twice shy. And I will not make the mistake of letting love in my life again. Apart from my kids and cats. I read your op and could really get why. Never got it before. Now I do but truly feel if have been better never loving as it made me weak and let me be taken advantage of.

Others need intimacy and a relationship. I will manage with out quite happily.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Relationships break up for many and various reasons.

I know it hurts like hell to have your heart broken but if you can accept it and learn from it you've got a chance of moving on.

If you don't you'll just end up stuck,repeating the same old patterns.

or you just stay single and get sex when required

But, but....it works for some. For me once bitten twice shy. And I will not make the mistake of letting love in my life again. Apart from my kids and cats. I read your op and could really get why. Never got it before. Now I do but truly feel if have been better never loving as it made me weak and let me be taken advantage of.

Others need intimacy and a relationship. I will manage with out quite happily. "

We are our own experts ultimately.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm afraid of hoping to find that special someone, it's 'easier' to tell myself it isn't going to happen

What is the fear?

That the next one will break me. I'm already a spoilt version of the hopeless romantic I used to be. With every failed attempt or missed opportunity I think I get worse

Yes. I understand you."

That alone warms my heart

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm afraid of hoping to find that special someone, it's 'easier' to tell myself it isn't going to happen

What is the fear?

That the next one will break me. I'm already a spoilt version of the hopeless romantic I used to be. With every failed attempt or missed opportunity I think I get worse

Yes. I understand you.

That alone warms my heart

Oh you darling girl. You are so worthwhile x

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"...But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

I know why I am single... in short, I have inspired fondness from those for whom I have felt love.

I made a choice to take a year out, a very long time ago, and that ended up as 14 years of celibacy. That period hardwired me to be alone. It didn't inoculate me from falling in love but it has made it almost impossible for it to be reciprocal.

I believe all those I have fallen in love with have benefited from it in some positive way. They have gone into their new relationships better able to love and be themselves. They have been better able to identify what they don't want (me and traits I exhibit) and one of their new partners contacted me to thank me for making him 'ready' for love.

That has hurt and caused me pain but, for me, my love for them means that I want them to be happy and have the love that is right for them. If I didn't feel that I would doubt that what I felt was love.

I miss some of them more than others. I can see patterns that it would be better for me if I could break them, including being so understanding of them and their problems. I am the common denominator in all of this.

I have family who love me. I have people who are fond of me. I have love to give and give it freely but I do not believe I will ever experienced reciprocated romantic love.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

""...But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

I know why I am single... in short, I have inspired fondness from those for whom I have felt love.

I have family who love me. I have people who are fond of me. I have love to give and give it freely but I do not believe I will ever experienced reciprocated romantic love.

How so?

That reads to me a proclamation of self fulfilling prophecy. I’m being tough because I find it easy to state things like this. Because I too engender feelings of care, and love, and fondness in others but not the reciprocal love/in love. But this is my issue, we are both skilled enough to understand the basics of CBT, the think it, feel it, do it and are we not shutting the door by saying/thinking these things? Are we trying to over intellectualise and rationalise the fact we are getting too scared to hope?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

""...But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

I know why I am single... in short, I have inspired fondness from those for whom I have felt love.

I have family who love me. I have people who are fond of me. I have love to give and give it freely but I do not believe I will ever experienced reciprocated romantic love.

How so?

Or trying to deny the pain of waiting in hope?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I spent my childhood reading fantasy fiction and daydreaming. Now, the only hope I have is that I die a quick and painless death.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

'Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick'

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

""...But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

I know why I am single... in short, I have inspired fondness from those for whom I have felt love.

I have family who love me. I have people who are fond of me. I have love to give and give it freely but I do not believe I will ever experienced reciprocated romantic love.

How so?

Or trying to deny the pain of waiting in hope?"

Yes, very much.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I spent my childhood reading fantasy fiction and daydreaming. Now, the only hope I have is that I die a quick and painless death."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"'Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick'"

These heart things are rather a pain, eh?!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I also spent most of my 30 years with my husband hoping it would get better. Finally, I admitted to myself it was beyond repair, nothing was going to change and it was time to call an end to it.

I think that realisation was the most hurtful of everything I went through with him.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"'Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick'

These heart things are rather a pain, eh?!"

Turn the pain into something else.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *hoenixAdAstraWoman
over a year ago

Hiding in the shadows

But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”"

Yes.

I avoided emotional attachment for over 10yrs, the thought of going through what happened previously terrified me.

I pulled the shutters down & built walls around myself.

I've changed over the last year, there are people in my life now that I care very very deeply about, I can say I do love, but being in love with someone, as in head over heels, madly deeply... A totally different thing.

That would take some doing, to make me open my heart to that possibility.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I spent my childhood reading fantasy fiction and daydreaming. Now, the only hope I have is that I die a quick and painless death."

That made me shed a tear. It felt so incredibly sad.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I also spent most of my 30 years with my husband hoping it would get better. Finally, I admitted to myself it was beyond repair, nothing was going to change and it was time to call an end to it.

I think that realisation was the most hurtful of everything I went through with him."

Oooft. Yes.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"'Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick'

These heart things are rather a pain, eh?!

Turn the pain into something else. "

I do. Daily.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

Yes.

I avoided emotional attachment for over 10yrs, the thought of going through what happened previously terrified me.

I pulled the shutters down & built walls around myself.

That would take some doing, to make me open my heart to that possibility. "

Do you want to, eventually?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

""...But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

I know why I am single... in short, I have inspired fondness from those for whom I have felt love.

I have family who love me. I have people who are fond of me. I have love to give and give it freely but I do not believe I will ever experienced reciprocated romantic love.

How so?

Or trying to deny the pain of waiting in hope?"

I don't think I am doing either. Hope was what was left in Pandora's box and it remains in my box.

My life would have to change drastically to widen my circle to meet someone a) single, b) available (not always the same thing as single) and c) interested in me. Men my age seek and get those 10-15 years younger so I do not believe I will experience love.

The other factor is that I am not planning anything other than taking each day as it comes (and decluttering).

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *hoenixAdAstraWoman
over a year ago

Hiding in the shadows

But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

Yes.

I avoided emotional attachment for over 10yrs, the thought of going through what happened previously terrified me.

I pulled the shutters down & built walls around myself.

That would take some doing, to make me open my heart to that possibility.

Do you want to, eventually?"

I suppose I do, in a way.

The thought of spending my life alone isn't a pleasant one either, but I wouldn't get into a relationship just to avoid being alone.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I spent my childhood reading fantasy fiction and daydreaming. Now, the only hope I have is that I die a quick and painless death."

Yep! I have no plans to live beyond 60. If I change my mind, all well and good.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

""”Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

Red, The Shawshank Redemption

But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

No, love is the only thing worth living for

"
I agree I love you all

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

""...But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

I know why I am single... in short, I have inspired fondness from those for whom I have felt love.

I have family who love me. I have people who are fond of me. I have love to give and give it freely but I do not believe I will ever experienced reciprocated romantic love.

How so?

Or trying to deny the pain of waiting in hope?

I don't think I am doing either. Hope was what was left in Pandora's box and it remains in my box.

The other factor is that I am not planning anything other than taking each day as it comes (and decluttering).

Nods. I understand

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

Yes.

I avoided emotional attachment for over 10yrs, the thought of going through what happened previously terrified me.

I pulled the shutters down & built walls around myself.

That would take some doing, to make me open my heart to that possibility.

Do you want to, eventually?

I suppose I do, in a way.

The thought of spending my life alone isn't a pleasant one either, but I wouldn't get into a relationship just to avoid being alone.

Yes, one can be very alone with someone if they aren’t the right someone.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't think so but I have friends who are afraid to commit to a relationship."

Are they afraid to commit to a vanilla relationship, or would they be more likely to commit if they found someone in this scene and therefore weren't limiting their own options?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I spent my childhood reading fantasy fiction and daydreaming. Now, the only hope I have is that I die a quick and painless death.

Yep! I have no plans to live beyond 60. If I change my mind, all well and good.

I respect this but ouch. Even so.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

Hope stinks,it's a useless emotion.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Hope stinks,it's a useless emotion."

Always? Absolutely?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *hoenixAdAstraWoman
over a year ago

Hiding in the shadows

Do you want to, eventually?

I suppose I do, in a way.

The thought of spending my life alone isn't a pleasant one either, but I wouldn't get into a relationship just to avoid being alone.

Yes, one can be very alone with someone if they aren’t the right someone. "

I was very alone with someone for 15yrs.

At least on my own, I only have my own laundry to do

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think about this around here a lot. I see so many people say they definitely won't get in another relationship or fall in love and I wonder how?

How do you stop feelings developing, surely you're just ignoring them. In which case why deny yourself?

A broken heart hurts. There's no denying it. Yes it can feel like the end of the world but for me the feeling of loving and being loved far outweighs that. I hope to one day find that again, I'm willing to take the risk of pain in the meantime.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

People love in so many different ways don't they. Early days in a relationship I wasn't allowed to mention the word love. The other person didn't feel worthy of love either so we were just 'pals' for ages. I find it excruciating to mention feelings too so between us we were a right pair, but stumbled on . The problems never really go away and it threw up plenty of challenges that looking back I might have dealt with differently.

Don't know where I'm going with this, other than even the person that persists in self sabotage can allow themselves to find a 'love' of types.

You do make us think. Xx

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"Hope stinks,it's a useless emotion.

Always? Absolutely?"

To me yes.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Do you want to, eventually?

I suppose I do, in a way.

The thought of spending my life alone isn't a pleasant one either, but I wouldn't get into a relationship just to avoid being alone.

Yes, one can be very alone with someone if they aren’t the right someone.

I was very alone with someone for 15yrs.

At least on my own, I only have my own laundry to do

If you remember it! Poor you last night!!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *hoenixAdAstraWoman
over a year ago

Hiding in the shadows

Do you want to, eventually?

I suppose I do, in a way.

The thought of spending my life alone isn't a pleasant one either, but I wouldn't get into a relationship just to avoid being alone.

Yes, one can be very alone with someone if they aren’t the right someone.

I was very alone with someone for 15yrs.

At least on my own, I only have my own laundry to do

If you remember it! Poor you last night!!"

oh I won't forget again!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think about this around here a lot. I see so many people say they definitely won't get in another relationship or fall in love and I wonder how?

How do you stop feelings developing, surely you're just ignoring them. In which case why deny yourself?

Yes!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"People love in so many different ways don't they. Early days in a relationship I wasn't allowed to mention the word love. The other person didn't feel worthy of love either so we were just 'pals' for ages. I find it excruciating to mention feelings too so between us we were a right pair, but stumbled on . The problems never really go away and it threw up plenty of challenges that looking back I might have dealt with differently.

Don't know where I'm going with this, other than even the person that persists in self sabotage can allow themselves to find a 'love' of types.

You do make us think. Xx"

We are all loveable. Sometime, someplace, somewhere, by someone.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Hope stinks,it's a useless emotion.

Always? Absolutely?

To me yes."

Okay.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm an avoidant. I don't get emotionally close to anyone and can never stay in a relationship for long. It's a hard thing to live with

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hope stinks,it's a useless emotion."

Hope floats.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm an avoidant. I don't get emotionally close to anyone and can never stay in a relationship for long. It's a hard thing to live with"

Do you know your reasons for doing so?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I spent my childhood reading fantasy fiction and daydreaming. Now, the only hope I have is that I die a quick and painless death.

That made me shed a tear. It felt so incredibly sad."

I've seen people die very slowly, over years, and very painfully, over months. I don't want my children to have to witness that.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"Hope stinks,it's a useless emotion.

Hope floats."

Then sinks.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

[Removed by poster at 05/02/18 17:23:57]

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Hope stinks,it's a useless emotion.

Hope floats."

So 1998.

(For a second I thought you’d actually commented on my serious thread seriously)

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm an avoidant. I don't get emotionally close to anyone and can never stay in a relationship for long. It's a hard thing to live with

You're in a couple. Isn't this condemning it in the midst of living it?

Ahem. Profile read required.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I spent my childhood reading fantasy fiction and daydreaming. Now, the only hope I have is that I die a quick and painless death.

Yep! I have no plans to live beyond 60. If I change my mind, all well and good.

My mum is 86 and has said she doesn't know why she's still here as everyone else (her siblings and their partners and my dad) are all gone. I will be devastated when she does go, but I know she's ready for it.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm an avoidant. I don't get emotionally close to anyone and can never stay in a relationship for long. It's a hard thing to live with

You're in a couple. Isn't this condemning it in the midst of living it?

Some relationships suck the hope out of life.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I'm an avoidant. I don't get emotionally close to anyone and can never stay in a relationship for long. It's a hard thing to live with

You're in a couple. Isn't this condemning it in the midst of living it?

Ahem. Profile read required."

Thank you.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I spent my childhood reading fantasy fiction and daydreaming. Now, the only hope I have is that I die a quick and painless death.

Yep! I have no plans to live beyond 60. If I change my mind, all well and good.

My father is just a bit younger than your mother and has a 64 year old lover. The one before was our age.

Mum, however, had dementia and I do not want to be either incontinent or incapable. I've also never had a strong desire to be alive, and yet I am and seem indestructible.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I spent my childhood reading fantasy fiction and daydreaming. Now, the only hope I have is that I die a quick and painless death.

Yep! I have no plans to live beyond 60. If I change my mind, all well and good.

My father is just a bit younger than your mother and has a 64 year old lover. The one before was our age.

Mum, however, had dementia and I do not want to be either incontinent or incapable. I've also never had a strong desire to be alive, and yet I am and seem indestructible.

My reasons for wanting to be alive are so my family don't have to grieve and go through a funeral and living without me. If I follow my mum and her mum I will live into my 80s.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I spent my childhood reading fantasy fiction and daydreaming. Now, the only hope I have is that I die a quick and painless death.

Yep! I have no plans to live beyond 60. If I change my mind, all well and good.

My father is just a bit younger than your mother and has a 64 year old lover. The one before was our age.

Mum, however, had dementia and I do not want to be either incontinent or incapable. I've also never had a strong desire to be alive, and yet I am and seem indestructible.

My reasons for wanting to be alive are so my family don't have to grieve and go through a funeral and living without me. If I follow my mum and her mum I will live into my 80s."

The one thing that I know for sure is that life is terminal. I have promised family to stay alive until 60 so that they will be older and better able to manage the grief and funeral. But, if I choose to live beyond that that is fine too.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *adame BWoman
over a year ago

C'est moi Boudoir

""”Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

Red, The Shawshank Redemption

But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”"

Fantastic post as always and loving the responses that only you have the knack for drawing out of people on here.

Alaine De Botton is brilliant in his explanation of hope, why and how we choose our partner's.

I think falling in love again is a little like giving birth as in we forget the pain and only focus on the part we want. We are all flawed, we are human. We will hurt and be hurt, it's part of life and living. How we handle it, is the only part we can work on. How realistic we are in our expectations of our partner, How realistic we are in our view of ourselves and how we can meet and maintain that challenge.

Respect: aim this inwards

Reasonable

Expectations

Sensual

Passion

Effort

Caring

Trust

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't think so but I have friends who are afraid to commit to a relationship."

Are they afraid to commit to a vanilla relationship, or would they be more likely to commit if they found someone in this scene and therefore weren't limiting their own options?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was adopted as a baby. My brain is wired differently and not an easy fix. In adopted babies attachment disorder begins when your still in the womb when you're brain is still developing. Signals of stress, worry, upset are sent out by the mother and passed to the baby. I've only discovered I had attachment disorder the last few years. I just thought there was something wrong with me. I'm a work in progress though and hope that one day I will be able to build relationships properly

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

""”Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

Red, The Shawshank Redemption

But is it possible that sometimes the hope for love, itself, can become too frightening?

That the cost of losing love far outweighs the potential benefits of finding and keeping it?”

Fantastic post as always and loving the responses that only you have the knack for drawing out of people on here.

Alaine De Botton is brilliant in his explanation of hope, why and how we choose our partner's.

Respect: aim this inwards

Reasonable

Expectations

Sensual

Passion

Effort

Caring

Trust

Awwww thanks B. That’s a lovely thing to say.

And what a truly gorgeous mnemonic!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I was adopted as a baby. My brain is wired differently and not an easy fix. In adopted babies attachment disorder begins when your still in the womb when you're brain is still developing. Signals of stress, worry, upset are sent out by the mother and passed to the baby. I've only discovered I had attachment disorder the last few years. I just thought there was something wrong with me. I'm a work in progress though and hope that one day I will be able to build relationships properly "

Sending you love. Xx

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

That sound's like my eldest adopted daughter

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't think so but I have friends who are afraid to commit to a relationship.

And what do you think their reasoning is?"
after being thoroughly let down and betrayed I can’t allow myself to love again

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

A lot more goes wrong in the womb than people realise.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *hoenixAdAstraWoman
over a year ago

Hiding in the shadows

I'm adopted too, only heard about separation disorder in my 20s.

I know think this is why I can so easily compartmentalise my feelings & completely shut things off.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

A lot more goes wrong in the womb than people realise."

Yes, I've been reading up on maternal mental health and foetal development.

My issues may well be due to my mother having a terrible pregnancy, not really wanting me and showing that most of my life.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don't think so but I have friends who are afraid to commit to a relationship.

And what do you think their reasoning is?after being thoroughly let down and betrayed I can’t allow myself to love again "

Do you think one day, maybe?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't think so but I have friends who are afraid to commit to a relationship.

And what do you think their reasoning is?after being thoroughly let down and betrayed I can’t allow myself to love again

Do you think one day, maybe?"
i can’t see it at moment the betrayal unfortunately left me trusting nobody. Men,,friends luckily not family

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don't think so but I have friends who are afraid to commit to a relationship.

And what do you think their reasoning is?after being thoroughly let down and betrayed I can’t allow myself to love again

Do you think one day, maybe?i can’t see it at moment the betrayal unfortunately left me trusting nobody. Men,,friends luckily not family "

Time. Xx

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't think so but I have friends who are afraid to commit to a relationship.

And what do you think their reasoning is?after being thoroughly let down and betrayed I can’t allow myself to love again

Do you think one day, maybe?i can’t see it at moment the betrayal unfortunately left me trusting nobody. Men,,friends luckily not family

Time. Xx"
thanks. I hope so. X

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

A lot more goes wrong in the womb than people realise.

Yes, I've been reading up on maternal mental health and foetal development.

My issues may well be due to my mother having a terrible pregnancy, not really wanting me and showing that most of my life."

The interesting thing is that all kinds of maternal stress can be interpreted by the foetus as rejection and have profound lifelong consequences.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you all for your input xx

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately