FabSwingers.com forum: Vanilla vs BDSM

By *itmanAndHerr OP Couple
over a year ago

st helens

There are some things we don't get and neither of us understand bdsm. We totally get the dressing up and role play but we don't understand hurting someone. Inflicting pain is not arousing in neither of our books.

I won't elude to it too much as the post was deleted for good reason but the thought of someone going beyond a safe word is frightening.

What's the big attraction?

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By *imiUKMan
over a year ago

Hereford

"There are some things we don't get and neither of us understand bdsm. We totally get the dressing up and role play but we don't understand hurting someone. Inflicting pain is not arousing in neither of our books.

I won't elude to it too much as the post was deleted for good reason but the thought of someone going beyond a safe word is frightening.

What's the big attraction?"

I'm interested in this from a different perspective.

BDSM is often "sold" as exciting, but it seems to me that it is incredibly rigid and boring...pigeonholes for everything... the OCD of sex....

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By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

Remember that BDSM is a contraction of bondage, domination, submission and sado-masochism. Only one of those involves pain

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One persons vanilla is another’s kinky anyway.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Our play is d/s we like control and compliance . We don’t use safe words . I trust my master completely and I know that he knows my mind and body well enough to know what I can and can’t handle and has never pushed me further. As for pain I like erotic discipline and such like a good spanking , a striped ass from caning but I’m already in a high state of arousal so don’t feel pain as intense and actually become very aroused by it .. and by the marks left behind ( they only last a few hours ) I’m by no means a maso though and wouldn’t want to actually feel real pain !

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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen

Sometimes 1 only likes 1 or 2 of the acronyms and not all 4, all dynamics are agreed in advance I have done the B & S to a certain extent but never the D & M as that is not for me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We love some forms of bdsm

L loves not being in control , so what better way to show her who’s in charge than tie her up and have my way with her,

Bdsm isn’t all about pain , that’s just a small part of it, it’s as much mental as it is physical for us.

Yes she likes a spanking and a flogging, The adrenaline rush that it provides her only adds to the intenseness of the orgasm.

Whilst it’s not everyone’s cup of tea there’s s plenty of reasons why so many people enjoy bdsm

And as to the last part of the OPs post

If anyone goes beyond a safe word just shows that they’re not playing right

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm pretty submissive with the right person. I don't like pain exactly, but I like being spanked, gentle hair pulling, being restrained and so on. Like, the reason why I enjoy being spanked so much is the unexpected sting, and the tingling warm and the stroking or kiss that my lover gives me afterwards. If people enjoy more pain then that's their thing, doesn't bother me.

But the big part of why I enjoy the submission is that I'm quite up tight in myself and constantly trying to control myself in my real life, so when I'm with someone I can truly trust and choose to pass my power over to, it leaves me feeling completely safe and relaxed.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Pain isn’t the be all and end all of bdsm, but that being said have you never spanked/had your ass spanked during sex? Held or had your hands held above your head? Did you enjoy it? Those are lighter versions of parts of the BDSM scene. The fet scene certainly isn’t pigeonholed either, yes there are categories and different types of scenes but you aren’t limited to just one and indeed you can mix and match so many at any time you like.

Most people’s perception of the scene is in the D/s or Dominant and Submissive As has been so..... sensationalised by the 50 shades books/films. Although what isn’t realised is it is actually the submissive who has the ultimate control. Safe words are important and ignoring them is abhorrent. It is all about the sensation - the sensation for the submissive of having no control over what happens (within the realms of hard limits). No negotiation, no “can I have my birthday blow job” or “ shall we try...” if the dominant decides it then it will happen. Because the limits have already been agreed.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I play totally vanilla with someone new always. Then really only the very edges of BDSM otherwise. I hate the vulnerability. I don’t think panic is sexy.

Variety is the spice of Fab and there is room for us all.

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By *ocks99Man
over a year ago

Reading

BDSM/kink is a broad church, encompassing a huge array of activities. Bondage can use the thinnest of treads to the heaviest of chain. Discipline can be simply being told to stay still or be quiet, to the most complicated order. Sadomasochism can be the gentlest of spanks to the heaviest of beatings. The resulting endorphin rush is not unlike being high. Its all about finding a level you and your partner are comfortable with and enjoy. the vast majority of the fun is how it makes you feel in your head. It's not everyones cup of tea.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I won't elude to it too much as the post was deleted for good reason but the thought of someone going beyond a safe word is frightening.

What's the big attraction?"

BDSM isn't all about hurting people, or dressing up or role play, there can be Dominants/Dommes who are sensualists , not everything is about hitting, whipping or hurting someone.

BDSM has vast aspects.

Thus following:

B&D, B/D, or BD Bondage and discipline

D&s, D/s, or Ds Dominance and submission

S&M, S/M, or SM Sadism and masochism

Roles:

Top/?Dominant partner who performs or controls the activity

Bottom/?Submissive partner who receives or is controlled

Switch switches between roles

The Dynamic/limits should be set out before any play happens.

Everyone is individual. But above all safe sane and consensual is the motto.

If the scene is done correctly then the safewords shouldn't need to be used...

Any Top/Dominant/Domme that ignores safewords really should not call themselves such.

Not only this but the submissive/bottom/pet is the one who can stop scene or play with a single word.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"BDSM/kink is a broad church, encompassing a huge array of activities. Bondage can use the thinnest of treads to the heaviest of chain. Discipline can be simply being told to stay still or be quiet, to the most complicated order. Sadomasochism can be the gentlest of spanks to the heaviest of beatings. The resulting endorphin rush is not unlike being high. Its all about finding a level you and your partner are comfortable with and enjoy. the vast majority of the fun is how it makes you feel in your head. It's not everyones cup of tea."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I play totally vanilla with someone new always. Then really only the very edges of BDSM otherwise. I hate the vulnerability. I don’t think panic is sexy.

Variety is the spice of Fab and there is room for us all. "

Above all, trust is a MASSIVE part of the bdsm scene

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As with everything there are degrees of activity that some will enjoy and others will always find a step too far.

But surely the most important element is that trust between people that each will only ever do or act in a way that the other finds acceptable satisfying and stimulating.... it's supposed to be mutual pleasure after all no matter what form that may take between those participating...

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By *uteLittleGeekWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Never tried bdsm the thought just dosnt appeal to me

So il go with the way i like my ice cream

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By *uteLittleGeekWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere

"As with everything there are degrees of activity that some will enjoy and others will always find a step too far.

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By *inky SpiceWoman
over a year ago

Glasgow

I won't elude to it too much as the post was deleted for good reason but the thought of someone going beyond a safe word is frightening.

What's the big attraction?

I'm interested in this from a different perspective.

BDSM is often "sold" as exciting, but it seems to me that it is incredibly rigid and boring...pigeonholes for everything... the OCD of sex...."

Rigid and boring? There are countless ways to play within those scenes, as many as there are people who are into them, how can that be rigid and boring?

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By *inky SpiceWoman
over a year ago

Glasgow

"Remember that BDSM is a contraction of bondage, domination, submission and sado-masochism. Only one of those involves pain

Actually it's bondage and discipline and sadism and masochism.

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By *uteLittleGeekWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere

BDSM is definitely not boring .

To understand it you need to speak to people who are or were involved in a lifestyle .

It’s easy to assume .

I used to be heavy involved in BDSM community and my kind of play wasn’t for faint hearted but there was not a sexual element at all.

Finding a right dynamics was the hardest job ever.

It all depends of mindset .

Since 2015 I have retired from BDSM and my wants are different now.

BDSM play requires ultimate trust no matter what role you have in the lifestyle .

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By *itmanAndHerr OP Couple
over a year ago

st helens

"We love some forms of bdsm

L loves not being in control , so what better way to show her who’s in charge than tie her up and have my way with her,

Bdsm isn’t all about pain , that’s just a small part of it, it’s as much mental as it is physical for us.

Yes she likes a spanking and a flogging, The adrenaline rush that it provides her only adds to the intenseness of the orgasm.

Whilst it’s not everyone’s cup of tea there’s s plenty of reasons why so many people enjoy bdsm

And as to the last part of the OPs post

If anyone goes beyond a safe word just shows that they’re not playing right

You say pain is only a small part of it but it appears to be an integral part of it all. With all there seems to be physical discipline or the threat of or the role play of.

Even if its just the costumes you're interested in. Spikey collars and a riding crop still suggest pain.

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By *aimeSmithTV/TS
over a year ago

Cliss

"BDSM is definitely not boring .

To understand it you need to speak to people who are or were involved in a lifestyle .

It’s easy to assume .

I used to be heavy involved in BDSM community and my kind of play wasn’t for faint hearted but there was not a sexual element at all.

Finding a right dynamics was the hardest job ever.

It all depends of mindset .

Since 2015 I have retired from BDSM and my wants are different now.

BDSM play requires ultimate trust no matter what role you have in the lifestyle . "

I totally concur. I enjoy the sense of helplessness and vulnerability, but trust is paramount x

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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen

"Sometimes 1 only likes 1 or 2 of the acronyms and not all 4, all dynamics are agreed in advance I have done the B & S to a certain extent but never the D & M as that is not for me "

I meant the B & D not the S & M

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"We love some forms of bdsm

L loves not being in control , so what better way to show her who’s in charge than tie her up and have my way with her,

Bdsm isn’t all about pain , that’s just a small part of it, it’s as much mental as it is physical for us.

Yes she likes a spanking and a flogging, The adrenaline rush that it provides her only adds to the intenseness of the orgasm.

Whilst it’s not everyone’s cup of tea there’s s plenty of reasons why so many people enjoy bdsm

And as to the last part of the OPs post

If anyone goes beyond a safe word just shows that they’re not playing right

You say pain is only a small part of it but it appears to be an integral part of it all. With all there seems to be physical discipline or the threat of or the role play of.

Even if its just the costumes you're interested in. Spikey collars and a riding crop still suggest pain."

Pain doesn't have to come into it at all if that's what is agreed between all parties involved - as others have said BDSM is as much about mental stimulation as it is anything else. I'm by no means experienced or even have my foot on the bottom rung of the ladder but have a fair knowledge of the subject to be able to comment.

One of the beauties of BDSM is there are no rules save for those agreed between all participating (and consenting) adults - so what may work for some, may not work for another and that can involve the use, and enjoyment, of pain but it doesn't have to - something as simple as allowing another person to take control of your life (e.g. what you wear, what you eat, where you go) for a short period of time can represent a D/s situation and be a very powerful sensation in itself without having to involve pain for example.

And it's not all about studded collars, whips and chains either - that's the popular view of BDSM as presented by the tabloids, and in a lot of porn, but doesn't necessarily have to be the case.

I come back to my original point that there is no true definition of a BDSM relationship (or one that encompasses elements of BDSM) other than the two (or more) people involved in it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I won't elude to it too much as the post was deleted for good reason but the thought of someone going beyond a safe word is frightening.

What's the big attraction?"

Same could be asked of swinging for those that don’t. It’s an each to their own thing.

BDSM means different things to different people and it’s hard to explain to someone that’s plain not into it.

As one persons already said one persons vanilla is another’s kinky.

As for safe words, if anyone was with someone they feared but go beyond them they shouldn’t be playing with them anyway!

For myself my BDSM antics they’ve always been based on total And utter trust. Without that you have nothing. I’ve never had to use a safe word as the male half’s of my play have always read And understood my body, my needs and what to do and not to do.

For me personally it’s all about the trust and of course communication is the key.

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By *evil_u_knowMan
over a year ago

city

When we are having sex a chemical can be released that lets us confuse pain for pleasure.

This is why we might have a romp and end up with fingernail scratches and bruises and be like "huh i dont remember any of that happening".

This leads scientists to believe sex in the past was much more violent than it is now for us.

For a lot of people they can suddenly be snapped out of it, and suddenly feel pain, for example a twist of the nipple too far and boom they shout out and ask what the fuck you are doing.

People into bdsm pain, generally get a lot of enjoyment from it, and the person giving them pain has to keep them turned on, and give them just enough.

Obviously its not for everyone, but when you see a girl bruised after a bdsm session, she might have felt very little "pain" and might have felt a lot of enjoyment.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I like delivering the b&d not the s&m. I dont do pain, just a little Spanking here and there if needed. I like letting my dominant side out.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's not just about pain, bdsm is more complex and can cover many different areas. The psychological part is the most important x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 15/01/18 17:31:49]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I like delivering the b&d not the s&m. I dont do pain, just a little Spanking here and there if needed. I like letting my dominant side out.

"
Oh and the D/s, dominance and submission. That's my thing

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Our body receives sensations and our mind interprets them, so it's really about our minds in part. It's such a diverse area that people could be involved and never really experience much of what many would think of as pain.

You make it your own, finding partners with complementary interests and then explore your adventure - it's an extension of how our lives are. It can be exciting just to have a little inter mind play.

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By *itmanAndHerr OP Couple
over a year ago

st helens

"When we are having sex a chemical can be released that lets us confuse pain for pleasure.

This is why we might have a romp and end up with fingernail scratches and bruises and be like "huh i dont remember any of that happening".

This leads scientists to believe sex in the past was much more violent than it is now for us.

For a lot of people they can suddenly be snapped out of it, and suddenly feel pain, for example a twist of the nipple too far and boom they shout out and ask what the fuck you are doing.

People into bdsm pain, generally get a lot of enjoyment from it, and the person giving them pain has to keep them turned on, and give them just enough.

Obviously its not for everyone, but when you see a girl bruised after a bdsm session, she might have felt very little "pain" and might have felt a lot of enjoyment."

Makes sense.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bdsm is beautiful it's freedom to be, it's a caring environment in which to access the darkest recess of human sexuality without any one becoming a victim.

It annoys me when I hear people not into any aspect of kink perceiving us as degenerate perverts, and just because they don't understand it, brush it off as something that no one really likes.

Vanilla sex can be disturbing in my view, how many couples up and down the country have been having sex in the same way every Tuesday for the past 20 years, that's horrible, and worse, how many women "let" their partners have sex with them through duty, it's an awful thought that somewhere there is a couple where she is thinking about filthy sex to try to race to orgasams before her other half manages to remember every top ten finish of his team in the premier league and blows his load causing her to have to fake another orgasam to protect his fragile ego.

Fuck that, I'd rather go celibate and Im much happier being a Dominant happier than I've ever been

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm pretty submissive with the right person. I don't like pain exactly, but I like being spanked, gentle hair pulling, being restrained and so on. Like, the reason why I enjoy being spanked so much is the unexpected sting, and the tingling warm and the stroking or kiss that my lover gives me afterwards. If people enjoy more pain then that's their thing, doesn't bother me.

Really good post, especially the last para.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I find the turn on with any kink, is giving your lover what they desire the most. I can't get, what I would consider, kinky with someone I didn't see often and wasn't connected to properly

but going beyond any boundaries is a huge no! Kink is about trust

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I like both

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By *osmosgirlWoman
over a year ago

Wetherby

"Bdsm is beautiful it's freedom to be, it's a caring environment in which to access the darkest recess of human sexuality without any one becoming a victim.

It annoys me when I hear people not into any aspect of kink perceiving us as degenerate perverts, and just because they don't understand it, brush it off as something that no one really likes.

Fuck that, I'd rather go celibate and Im much happier being a Dominant happier than I've ever been"

Absolutely

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Really good post, especially the last para."

This juxtaposition appears to be a big driver, i personally have not met a lady who submits that is not intelligent, strong (in daily life) and very sure of herself.

The juxtaposition of not being in control is almost like a pressure relief valve to the physical/emotional/intellectual release.

This might be off the mark, however, the balance between intellect and intellectual release is important in D/s play, well it feels that way from my experience.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We like kink, and we like vanilla too!

Different times call for different things. If she's had a hard day she loves a good flogging and the release it brings.

Endorphins coursing round the body just make everything right with the world.

It's not all about pain though, it's mostly about the trust, and the link you have with someone when you really know what presses their buttons.

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