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I can't sleep so going to try to make you laugh...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I don't know why men have sex with women who are on their period...

Bloody nuts if you ask me!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

My boyfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants.

I asked him "what's all this stemming from petal?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Once I was offered sex with a 21 year old model. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Me: Dr you have to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter

Dr: I don't follow you

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Love is like a fart

If you have to force it, it's probably shit

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

What gifts do squirrels exchange on Valentines day?

Forget me nuts

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By *ieman300Man
over a year ago

Best Greggs in Cheshire East


"Love is like a fart

If you have to force it, it's probably shit"

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Why do women get angry on their period

Because they ovaryact

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dude, your jokes are rubbish!!!

Where are you copying these from? dad jokes?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

What's green and not very heavy?

Light green

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Dude, your jokes are rubbish!!!

Where are you copying these from? dad jokes?"

Thank you so much for taking the time to appreciate my rubbish... You don't have to read them you know

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By *iftyfifty51Man
over a year ago

trim


"Love is like a fart

If you have to force it, it's probably shit"

very good

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Dude, your jokes are rubbish!!!

Where are you copying these from? dad jokes?

Thank you so much for taking the time to appreciate my rubbish... You don't have to read them you know "

The response was for the ones I had read already... please stop and consider doing something else.. it’s just not for you darling

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've got one, it's sort of relative.. ish

I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.”

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An irrelephant

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What's green and not very heavy?

Light green "

Sat her laughing out loud. That's terrible and brilliant

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Dude, your jokes are rubbish!!!

Where are you copying these from? dad jokes?

Thank you so much for taking the time to appreciate my rubbish... You don't have to read them you know

The response was for the ones I had read already... please stop and consider doing something else.. it’s just not for you darling "

Like I said you don't have to read them

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I've got one, it's sort of relative.. ish

I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.” "

Love it

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I'm very good at remembering random facts.

For example, there are 3,577 different types of lice

And that's just off the top of my head

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can we stop mentioning the menstrual cycle

PERIOD x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was going to make a joke about anal sex butt f*ck it x

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Went swimming earlier and had a wee in the deep end

Lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Can we stop mentioning the menstrual cycle

PERIOD x "

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I was going to make a joke about anal sex butt f*ck it x "

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Does this uniform make me look fat?

Insecurity Guard

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By *0shades 2000Man
over a year ago

coleraine


"What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An irrelephant"

this is brilliant!! I’m stealing this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve got one as well.. here we go

You are all so good at cracking jokes that if we held a competition, you’ll all come first from the bottom

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I just got asked the time by a British Gas Engineer

I told the bastard it was somewhere between 8 and 1

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An irrelephant

this is brilliant!! I’m stealing this "

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By *ilthpotMan
over a year ago

uxbridge

I found my Mrs in bed with a black fella....i had to laugh tho'.....his name was Ben Arner!...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I was going to make a joke about anal sex butt f*ck it x "

What do you think of the Asus as a hole

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick

Not least because his name is Matthew

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Went to the corner shop earlier

Bought 4 corners

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By *ilthpotMan
over a year ago

uxbridge

Why was the washing machine laughing??...

It was taking the piss outa ya pants!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Dude, your jokes are rubbish!!!

Where are you copying these from? dad jokes?

Thank you so much for taking the time to appreciate my rubbish... You don't have to read them you know

The response was for the ones I had read already... please stop and consider doing something else.. it’s just not for you darling "

Did you hear the one about the bloke who tried to start a joke thread but only got one reply, and that reply was funnier than the original joke so the thread died lol I laughed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man goes to the doctors and says-doctor one of my testicles is massive.

The doctor says-get it out let's have a look.

The man undoes his jip and drops a testical on the doctors table that's the size of a bowling ball.

The doctor bursts out laughing and says-wowwwwwwwwwwwww that's massive let me take a pic of that to show my mates in the pub.

The man then says to the doctor-if your going to be like that Im not showing you the big one x

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Why was the washing machine laughing??...

It was taking the piss outa ya pants!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Dude, your jokes are rubbish!!!

Where are you copying these from? dad jokes?

Thank you so much for taking the time to appreciate my rubbish... You don't have to read them you know

The response was for the ones I had read already... please stop and consider doing something else.. it’s just not for you darling

Did you hear the one about the bloke who tried to start a joke thread but only got one reply, and that reply was funnier than the original joke so the thread died lol I laughed "

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"A man goes to the doctors and says-doctor one of my testicles is massive.

The doctor says-get it out let's have a look.

The man undoes his jip and drops a testical on the doctors table that's the size of a bowling ball.

The doctor bursts out laughing and says-wowwwwwwwwwwwww that's massive let me take a pic of that to show my mates in the pub.

The man then says to the doctor-if your going to be like that Im not showing you the big one x "

Brilliant

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By *s_macWoman
over a year ago

Traffic land


"I just got asked the time by a British Gas Engineer

I told the bastard it was somewhere between 8 and 1"

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By *ilthpotMan
over a year ago

uxbridge

What d'ya call a Pakistani with a piece of meat on his head?....

"Hamed!"....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I’ve got one as well.. here we go

You are all so good at cracking jokes that if we held a competition, you’ll all come first from the bottom "

I forgot to laugh at that, not sure why? Xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I just got asked the time by a British Gas Engineer

I told the bastard it was somewhere between 8 and 1

"

My sister works for the gas board, you wanna meter

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

A man died today due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to boiling kettles

It is believed that he had selfie steam issues

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Im sure my boyfriend lives in a lighthouse.

Everytime I answer the phone at his house a woman keeps asking if the coast is clear? x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Someone obviously spent a few quid on their crackers this year!! (That's not a joke just an observation )

I like to sleep naked. The airhostess could have been a bit more understanding though.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I just got asked the time by a British Gas Engineer

I told the bastard it was somewhere between 8 and 1

My sister works for the gas board, you wanna meter "

brilliant

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One last one, then I must get some sleep,

My dad said to me, look son you really need to give up masturbation, since then I've not felt myself ...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Im sure my boyfriend lives in a lighthouse.

Everytime I answer the phone at his house a woman keeps asking if the coast is clear? x"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I’ve got one as well.. here we go

You are all so good at cracking jokes that if we held a competition, you’ll all come first from the bottom

I forgot to laugh at that, not sure why? Xx"

Because you were busy laughing? Oh wait

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Dude, your jokes are rubbish!!!

Where are you copying these from? dad jokes?

Thank you so much for taking the time to appreciate my rubbish... You don't have to read them you know

The response was for the ones I had read already... please stop and consider doing something else.. it’s just not for you darling

Did you hear the one about the bloke who tried to start a joke thread but only got one reply, and that reply was funnier than the original joke so the thread died lol I laughed "

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Someone obviously spent a few quid on their crackers this year!! (That's not a joke just an observation )

I like to sleep naked. The airhostess could have been a bit more understanding though."

Actually I have a bloody good joke book that gives me a giggle... As did your joke

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"One last one, then I must get some sleep,

My dad said to me, look son you really need to give up masturbation, since then I've not felt myself ... "

Excellent

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By *ilthpotMan
over a year ago

uxbridge

What's blue & goes round knocking on a window?....

"Baby in a washing machine!"...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In one inch square letters I had the name of that famous Welsh train station tattood on my penis, I was a bit worried it wouldn't fit on but it was worth it, I fucking love Rhyl

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

If pronouncing my B's as V's makes me sound Russian, then Soviet

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What's blue & goes round knocking on a window?....

"Baby in a washing machine!"..."

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"In one inch square letters I had the name of that famous Welsh train station tattood on my penis, I was a bit worried it wouldn't fit on but it was worth it, I fucking love Rhyl "

Laughed out loud at this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"In one inch square letters I had the name of that famous Welsh train station tattood on my penis, I was a bit worried it wouldn't fit on but it was worth it, I fucking love Rhyl "

Brilliant!

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By *appy squirrelWoman
over a year ago

Norwich


"What gifts do squirrels exchange on Valentines day?

Forget me nuts "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's green and turns red at the push of a button...

A frog in a liquidiser

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By *ilthpotMan
over a year ago

uxbridge

What's pink & hard???..

"A pig with a flick knife!"...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Have gotta attempt to sleep so I will leave you with this one...

3.14% of sailors are Pi Rates

Night night all xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What gifts do squirrels exchange on Valentines day?

Forget me nuts

"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's wrinkly and hangs out grandads trousers?

Grandma

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Once upon a time there was three sisters.

Fanny Annie and Mary

Fanny had size 12 feet

Annie had size 11 feet

Mary had size 10 feet

Annie and Mary went on a date with rick and dick to a restaurant.

Rick looked under the table and said wowwww Annie and Mary your feet are big.

Annie and Mary replied-wait until you see our fannys there massive x

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What's green and turns red at the push of a button...

A frog in a liquidiser "

Poor Kermit

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What's wrinkly and hangs out grandads trousers?

Grandma "

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Once upon a time there was three sisters.

Fanny Annie and Mary

Fanny had size 12 feet

Annie had size 11 feet

Mary had size 10 feet

Annie and Mary went on a date with rick and dick to a restaurant.

Rick looked under the table and said wowwww Annie and Mary your feet are big.

Annie and Mary replied-wait until you see our fannys there massive x "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

6 in every 5 people have multiple personalities

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By *ilthpotMan
over a year ago

uxbridge

What d'ya call a Pakistani with 2 pieces of meat on his head??....

"Mohamed!"..

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By *s_macWoman
over a year ago

Traffic land

Had a threesome last night.

There were a couple of no shows but I still had a great time

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What a brilliant thread, just what you need when you can't sleep... nice one op xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What's green and not very heavy?

Light green

Sat her laughing out loud. That's terrible and brilliant "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad "

Love it

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By *ilthpotMan
over a year ago

uxbridge

What goes in & out and smells of piss??...

"An old man doing the Hokey Cokey!"...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What a brilliant thread, just what you need when you can't sleep... nice one op xx "

Thank you... I know they are pretty crappy... But sometimes I just need a giggle at something silly xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"6 in every 5 people have multiple personalities "

Best joke of the night award goes to

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad

Love it"

Yeah that made me laugh rather loudly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What a brilliant thread, just what you need when you can't sleep... nice one op xx

Thank you... I know they are pretty crappy... But sometimes I just need a giggle at something silly xx"

Ended up very well actually.. well done

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What a brilliant thread, just what you need when you can't sleep... nice one op xx

Thank you... I know they are pretty crappy... But sometimes I just need a giggle at something silly xx

Ended up very well actually.. well done "

Cheers

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By *ieman300Man
over a year ago

Best Greggs in Cheshire East


"What's blue & goes round knocking on a window?....

"Baby in a washing machine!"..."

O dear! Lmao

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bravo OP quality thread

Thank you all for making me laugh.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo "

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Bravo OP quality thread

Thank you all for making me laugh. "

Thank you and yes thanks to everyone everyone else who contributed... They made me laugh lots too xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Had a threesome last night.

There were a couple of no shows but I still had a great time "

How did I miss this?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Dude, your jokes are rubbish!!!

Where are you copying these from? dad jokes?

Thank you so much for taking the time to appreciate my rubbish... You don't have to read them you know

The response was for the ones I had read already... please stop and consider doing something else.. it’s just not for you darling

Did you hear the one about the bloke who tried to start a joke thread but only got one reply, and that reply was funnier than the original joke so the thread died lol I laughed "

Atleast I tried lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Dude, your jokes are rubbish!!!

Where are you copying these from? dad jokes?

Thank you so much for taking the time to appreciate my rubbish... You don't have to read them you know

The response was for the ones I had read already... please stop and consider doing something else.. it’s just not for you darling

Did you hear the one about the bloke who tried to start a joke thread but only got one reply, and that reply was funnier than the original joke so the thread died lol I laughed

Atleast I tried lol"

As did I

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Dude, your jokes are rubbish!!!

Where are you copying these from? dad jokes?

Thank you so much for taking the time to appreciate my rubbish... You don't have to read them you know

The response was for the ones I had read already... please stop and consider doing something else.. it’s just not for you darling

Did you hear the one about the bloke who tried to start a joke thread but only got one reply, and that reply was funnier than the original joke so the thread died lol I laughed

Atleast I tried lol

As did I "

You are a career comedian

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Dude, your jokes are rubbish!!!

Where are you copying these from? dad jokes?

Thank you so much for taking the time to appreciate my rubbish... You don't have to read them you know

The response was for the ones I had read already... please stop and consider doing something else.. it’s just not for you darling

Did you hear the one about the bloke who tried to start a joke thread but only got one reply, and that reply was funnier than the original joke so the thread died lol I laughed

Atleast I tried lol

As did I

You are a career comedian "

Definitely not... however my silly jokes make my friends and colleagues giggle which is why I thought I'd post this thread... If I've made one person smile or giggle or both then it will be worth my effort

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Dude, your jokes are rubbish!!!

Where are you copying these from? dad jokes?

Thank you so much for taking the time to appreciate my rubbish... You don't have to read them you know

The response was for the ones I had read already... please stop and consider doing something else.. it’s just not for you darling

Did you hear the one about the bloke who tried to start a joke thread but only got one reply, and that reply was funnier than the original joke so the thread died lol I laughed

Atleast I tried lol

As did I

You are a career comedian

Definitely not... however my silly jokes make my friends and colleagues giggle which is why I thought I'd post this thread... If I've made one person smile or giggle or both then it will be worth my effort "

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"What gifts do squirrels exchange on Valentines day?

Forget me nuts "

HahaHA!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Dude, your jokes are rubbish!!!

Where are you copying these from? dad jokes?

Thank you so much for taking the time to appreciate my rubbish... You don't have to read them you know

The response was for the ones I had read already... please stop and consider doing something else.. it’s just not for you darling

Did you hear the one about the bloke who tried to start a joke thread but only got one reply, and that reply was funnier than the original joke so the thread died lol I laughed

Atleast I tried lol

As did I

You are a career comedian

Definitely not... however my silly jokes make my friends and colleagues giggle which is why I thought I'd post this thread... If I've made one person smile or giggle or both then it will be worth my effort "

More than one surely

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An irrelephant"

I love these silly ones! !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Dude, your jokes are rubbish!!!

Where are you copying these from? dad jokes?

Thank you so much for taking the time to appreciate my rubbish... You don't have to read them you know

The response was for the ones I had read already... please stop and consider doing something else.. it’s just not for you darling "

Says the guy who's posted the same joke on 3 different forum posts

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An irrelephant

I love these silly ones! !"

They make me giggle a lot...

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By *osmosgirlWoman
over a year ago

Wetherby


"What a brilliant thread, just what you need when you can't sleep... nice one op xx "

It's pretty good to wake up to too. I'll be smirking all the way to work

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

A good mix of fun

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 04/01/18 13:01:30]

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What a brilliant thread, just what you need when you can't sleep... nice one op xx

It's pretty good to wake up to too. I'll be smirking all the way to work "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Love this thread!


"What gifts do squirrels exchange on Valentines day?

Forget me nuts "

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Love this thread!

What gifts do squirrels exchange on Valentines day?

Forget me nuts

"

Want me to post some more later Adam? They don't get any better

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By *ighland gentlemanMan
over a year ago

Ardgay

What's green and smells of pork?

.

.

.

Kermit's fingers

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Love this thread!

What gifts do squirrels exchange on Valentines day?

Forget me nuts

Want me to post some more later Adam? They don't get any better "

I will come back in here often.

Only one condition:

As long as they don't get any better. Do your worst! Looking forward to them

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I got home today my girlfriend had her two friends there. "Here he is" she said, "We were just talking about having a foursome, if you're up to it?" she smiled & winked. Two minutes later, I appeared naked with my pecker in my hand. They had tennis rackets in theirs.??????????????????

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By *oftandGentle2Couple
over a year ago

leeds


"Went swimming earlier and had a wee in the deep end

Lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in "

That one made me chuckle!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you heard about the guy who discovered that he's both dyslexic and gay?

He's still in Daniel..!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've just been to the doctors with my 'Tennis Elbow'.

She said "how many years have you had it?"

I said "15 love"

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By *lmostthereMan
over a year ago

Southampton


"What's green and not very heavy?

Light green "

I LOVE this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I knew a dyslexic pimp once. He bought a warehouse

One dyslexic drug dealer bought a load of “F”s

Second on bought some frogs and newts

Thought they were amphetemines

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My husband asked me, if I could have a threesome, which of his friends I would choose.

Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two.

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