FabSwingers.com forum: confidence

By *abio OP Man
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

I am not sure what has happened to me in the last few weeks but my confidence had gone.. I think I hit my bottom yesterday where I sat down and thought for a couple of hours "where do I honestly go from here"

so I think I have worked out a way to go and a plan ahead which I am comfortable with, but why does it take to be at a low to see these things...

so.. person question time... have you ever had a crisis of confidence and how did you get out of that funk so to speak?

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By *ensualfire88Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Yes I have.

And when I get out of it, I'll let you know.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 21/09/11 10:07:34]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Im in that RUT at the moment, but cant let it get me down, things will get beeter I know, and that is what keeps me trucking on

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By *urreyfun2008Man
over a year ago

East Grinstead

Mmm - a rut like this hits me now and then, usually find I vanish from the online world, and sit in a daze at home for a while.

Triggers can be various, Valentines day is a common one for me.

How I break out, usually a good weekend out in the garden and enjoying nature and some exercise.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hi Fabio and sorry to hear of the dip in confidence.

Do you mean in life or in swinging or both?

In life I have had this happen to me and what I try and do is focus on achieving one thing at a time. Could be as simple as washing the pots.

And at the end of the day these small victories add up. Focus on the now rather than what has been and control the next 5 minutes.

If it's purely a swinging thing I had a dip in that aswell which got sorted eventually.

Good luck with it!

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By *unky monkeyMan
over a year ago

in the night garden

"I think I hit my bottom yesterday"

Kinky fucker!

Seriously though, I hope you get out of it mate. You always seem very confident on here to me. Although I guess it's easy to do on a forum. Good Luck!

As for me I am so AWESOME I have never lost confidence. If I ever feel less AWESOME than I should I go to the room at work we keep all the techies and I laugh at their pale see through skin and strange OCD's. That always makes me feel better about myself.

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By *ensualfire88Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

"Mmm - a rut like this hits me now and then, usually find I vanish from the online world, and sit in a daze at home for a while.

Triggers can be various, Valentines day is a common one for me.

How I break out, usually a good weekend out in the garden and enjoying nature and some exercise.

Conversely, I tend to hit the online world. Saves me dealing with the real one.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Im in that RUT at the moment, but cant let it get me down, things will get beeter I know, and that is what keeps me trucking on

hope you find your mojo again soon _abio x

Happens to me al the time, dont think youd be human if it didnt, i think you do have to be aware though cos negative thinking can spiral into depression and be even harder to get out of. When this happens to me i do a daily list in my head of all the good things and positives in my life and i also try to do something nice for someone else everyday for some reason i found this really lifts my spirits xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to live with someone who didnt have much confidence, who had problems that she wouldnt admit to. She used to put me down all the time, just to make herself feel better. Soon as i moved out, i felt a lot better. I feel like i can be me, and if people dont like it thats tough.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

hey _abio my darling i do hope you shake it off soon xxxx

i have had a huge dip many years ago now it kept getting knocked over and over i got so bad that i found it difficult to leave the house alone i would not venture out even without hubby or a friend, i had had some abuse from people as i walked the street due to my size which many of us gatties get all the time and ignore but at this particular time in my life i must of hit a low and then bottomed out when a memeber of staff in tesco made a comment about me to another member of staff within my earshot (she later admitted it and was disiciplined for it thankfully as that helped me as i at least knew i wasn't going mad) at that point i hit rock bottom spent a week crying and well the thoughts i had aren't the best i ever had enough said

i also started to loose all confidence in myself job wise and was ready to give it all up in fact i was ready to hide under my duvet and never come back out but eventually with a lot of reasurance from an amazing husband and some great friends i finally sat myself down gave myself a good talking to and a hard slap across the chops and started to pick myself up again

i decided that i had a wonderfull hubby 2 amazing sons and some fabulous friends and i had to be doing something right to of been lucky enough to have all of those and decided that those that judged me harshly for the size of my butt were not the kind of people that i would want in my life anyway so what did there opinion of me matter anyway, not a jot.

now when i walk down the road and a car full of twats shout abuse at me i just smile sweetly at them and wave it really throws them

the best thing i ever did was learn to be comfortable in my own skin and be confident in who i am as a person it was incredibly libberating

luckily all this happened a few years before we started swinging so i didn't have to cope with loosing confidence in that area of my life

i seriously hope your confidence hasn't sunk that low treacle and i hope your mojo finds its way home soon

i think the best way to judge yourself is to look around at your friends and if they are all good people then you must be too as like they say like attracts like so as i'm rather fond of you you must be amazing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think if we're honest we all experience this as some point or other in our lives.

I'm unclear whether you mean swinging or life in general: I know it happened to me when my marriage broke down. I'd been with my husband since I was 18, so to be on my own at 43 was daunting, and I felt like crap.

All you can do is focus on the positives in your life, and just see the moment you're in as just that...a moment. If you have an optimistic nature you'll look forward, and assume things can only get better.

It was my birthday on Saturday - 51 - I felt old and trapped and did wonder if this was it, but I couldn't allow myself the luxury of throwing myself a pity party and wallow, as it's easy to stay down and negative.

That said, we are but human, and will experience these momentary lapses, don't beat ourself up...you'll be okay!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I am not sure what has happened to me in the last few weeks but my confidence had gone.. I think I hit my bottom yesterday where I sat down and thought for a couple of hours "where do I honestly go from here"

so I think I have worked out a way to go and a plan ahead which I am comfortable with, but why does it take to be at a low to see these things...

so.. person question time... have you ever had a crisis of confidence and how did you get out of that funk so to speak?"

Not really myself but know people who have. I am lucky and have some great friends who always seem to improve my confidence but thats me I guess.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

difficult one... but get out and about - get plenty of daylight, excercise at your own pace, do all the things you like, and nothing you dislike, and try to steer your thoughts away from it. If you can't do that - go do something that will give you little alternative but to concentrate on something else.

Wolf

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

Remember a lot has happened with a change of job coming up so a natural thing to be unsettled. Jot down all your achievements from school and university right up to your last job role.

there will be many and will reinforce your ability.

You are considered one of the most levelled headed posters on here, with sound rationale to all your posts.

you will bounce back

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By *parrow77Man
over a year ago

cheshire

I think everyone does get slumps wether they acknowledge them as such or not they do occur.

mine was 2 half years ago due to work I had hit bottom due to bein bullied by my so called team cos I wasn't like them or didn't fit in so after a year of it I hit the floor, then the greatest thing I discovered my calling to be a nurse and strange as is it's the greatest choice I've made.

So am starting my last year terrified that this time next year I will be qualified but a full caring nurse lol

Hope you get sorted soon _abio and that you become happy with what you fix

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

life is a series of ups and downs - people who are 'up' all the time usually have medical assistance or are just plain fkin annoying

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By *abio OP Man
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

i think in both life and in swinging...

life has been hard, some things that I have had to come to terms and make my peace with and the redundancy didn't help.. but hopefully that should pick up soon and life should start working for me as opposed to against me

the swinging thing is harder... I am just going thru a phase of "meh" I think.. don't get me wrong its not a moan at all, I think I am going thru a phase of "why on earth would people want to meet me" and I think that is the thing I am finding hardest to get out of at the mo

it could be a mindset thing.. a crisis of confidence...

don't worry.. not leaving! can't get rid of me and the social side i adore, just wonder if others had felt the same, and what pulled them out of it so to speak

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oooh Fabio...I didn't see it as a moan at all. Again, if people are honest there comes a point in this game when you become a bit jaded. I haven't got to the "why would anyone want to meet me?" stage yet, and I don't think that's me. Blimey, why wouldn't they...I have lube!

Seriously, you'll bounce back, but it's good to get it off your chest. (((Big hug)))

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 21/09/11 14:32:15]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I like reading your posts. They are easy to read and you talk a lot of sense.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes many a time take a break re-evaluate and move on. Or you can bury your head in the sand.

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By *uro anchorMan
over a year ago

Coventry

always been confident.. but been lucky had friends to turn to.. always had a home and a little money so not had too much pressure..

hope things turn out ok for you..

u always seem confident but its different on ur own...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

don't worry.. not leaving! can't get rid of me and the social side i adore, just wonder if others had felt the same, and what pulled them out of it so to speak"

Not an easy one, but life is never so very easy as we would like to believe. I can empathise, recently I "ruined" a special meeting, by consistently hammering myself into the ground....

My performance was so poor as to be laughable, purely because I kept wondering "what is this beautiful woman doing with me?" (hold on, what IS this guy saying!), honesty thats the kicker.

Be honest with yourself Fabio, thats the bottom line. Is this what you want, are there other things that should take precedence? (Career, family, friends outside the "scene"). Are you lonely? Do you want a "proper" relationship but feel that because of your, ahem, "more than healthy sexual appetite", that a "vanilla" thing is too far off the wall for you?

We all have moments in our lives when we believe we are not "good enough" or that we are being "used" as fucktoys (sorry for that expression, but I am a little basic today).

No one can direct you, accept you, no one can give you confidence in yourself accept you. Try a "normal" date, with no sex, see if that person is interested in you for the way you laugh or smile, the stories you tell, the person you are.

One off sexual encounters for singles, will eventually take their toll, the empty bed, the one cup in the sink, etc.

Particularly if there are other aspects of your life where you feel you are found wanting (again career, economic situation, social awkwardness).

As I say, last night I messed up something that had the potential to be a very wonderful thing. The person in question sent me a very firm message in the morning, with words to the effect, "you have rejected the possibility of anything more because of your own self loathing" and she was right, and more than that, I have learnt and have now sourced a solution.

Fabio, you come across as a great guy, and I am sure you are more than just a "swinger", time to "cowboy the fuck-up" (as bruce willis once said). You are a good guy and there are 6.8 billion people in this world, half of which have to be women, by default. They wont all find you desireable, if you dont find yourself desireable. Take a break, put your house in order, and then come back (or not) brimming with confidence without arrogance, humour without ridicule, kindness without ulterior motive.

All sounds rather sad and depressing (the above), but Fabio you have made a huge leap, you have recognised that something doesnt feel right, and you are actively seeking to change that rather than accept it, and that is a bloody positive thing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

so I think I have worked out a way to go and a plan ahead which I am comfortable with, but why does it take to be at a low to see these things...

so.. person question time... have you ever had a crisis of confidence and how did you get out of that funk so to speak?"

To be honest I think happens to most peeps in their life at some point and yes it has happened in mine also, for me change is the only cure, what ever is causing you to feel this way needs to be addressed and change it.

Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before you can move forward with your life good luck xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I understand where your head is Fabio. My cup is always half full, I'm always the optimist, but being out of work for the first time in my life was a bit of a shitter for me.

I've been in a management job for the last 20 odd years where everything tended to revolve around me. I was making the descions, calling all the shots, I was indespensible, or so I thought. So when they said, "Sorry Jack, it's over", I thought "What the fuck?"

Then when you have the experience of sending umpteen job applications out and not receiving any acknowledgement what so ever, it does make you change the way you see yourself.

Then there's the other things in life that you have to deal with while all this is going on, family stuff and things like that.

Just keep plugging away mate and you'll get there.

Although I'm in here most days, swinging hasn't really figured in our life for the last 10 months or so. We have had approaches but we've found ourselves saying "no thank you" to all but a couple of them.

I'm not sure if it's confidence, more likely a mix of a bit of boredom too.

You'll get through it mate, that's for sure.

I've just got myself another job, after 4 months out, but ongoing family issues are still too much to push sideways for us to be able to say "Life's great again" just yet.

So just puff that mighty chest out mate, and say "fuck 'em, and bring it on"

The good guys always win. It might take a lot of scrapping, but you're a scrapper aren't you?

Well, that's my team talk done for today so go gett'em boy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hey _abio,

Sorry to hear ur having abit of a shitty time.

In answer to ur question.....I think most of us find it a bit scary to address our problems, so we Ignore them hoping they will go away. So it takes hitting rock bottom to realise we need to do something about It.

I definately get jaded with this lifestyle, in fact i seem to only manage three or four months of swinging before It starts doing my head in.

I dont know if this helps, but my oh was also on a dating site as well as fab. He felt it gave him chance to do normal vanilla things too.

Good luck sweetie, the fabsters have given u sum good advice.

*big hugs* x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"i think in both life and in swinging...

it could be a mindset thing.. a crisis of confidence...

don't worry.. not leaving! can't get rid of me and the social side i adore, just wonder if others had felt the same, and what pulled them out of it so to speak"

reckon not working is denting your confidence all round. If you can't see work on the horizon shortly, go for some voluntary work to give you a sense of direction and value. (my penneth)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I thinks ya lovely. xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fabio…. You’re a good guy….. You have an extremely insightful mind….. You’re an excellent communicator… your popular, personable and affable,,,,, your company is sought and valued by others, as is your opinions and advice…… these are just a few of your many attributes…. ….

I know not everyone deals with self-doubts in the same way,,,, but I use them as a signal to chastise myself for not counting my blessings when comparing any momentary lapses of self-belief I might experience, to those unfortunate people who must live a lifetime without mental freedom or physical ability to use those wondrous gifts life granted me.

Anyway, Chin-up dude !..... I cant have my favourite, Eurovision Song Contest Running Commentary Companion, singing the Blues... cuz that just ain't right!!!

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By *adcowWoman
over a year ago

kirkcaldy

The past 2 yr has been quite shitty for me, paid off boxing day after an accident at work (week before xmas- still waiting on the compensation money)- unable to work due to the injuries for over a year, emergency operations with poor aftercare,constantly skint and due companies money as just not enough coming in to live off on the benefits,car accident then the loss of my Mum.

Started college now to retrain with possible business venture maybe a yr down the line so have something to focus on. though must say I doubt I'd have gotten through all this and maintain what sanity I have without the help of my fab friends.

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

"The past 2 yr has been quite shitty for me, paid off boxing day after an accident at work (week before xmas- still waiting on the compensation money)- unable to work due to the injuries for over a year, emergency operations with poor aftercare,constantly skint and due companies money as just not enough coming in to live off on the benefits,car accident then the loss of my Mum.

good luck with college Rhona, you remain one for the nicest most genuine ladies x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'll second that View. Rhona you have been my rock and a great friend to me, you've listened to my moans my groans, wiped my tears and lifted me.

I know losing your mum hit you hard but my mum's happy to adopt you. She thinks you're lovely too.xxx

Fabio I've met you, and you are as lovable, level-headed and grounded in person as you are on these forums.

Life kicks you in the teeth at times, I've had a few kicks myself recently. I'm too dumb to stay down I keep staggering back.

Not saying that you are dumb, but keep staggering too my friend!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i don't know any of you in here, but i think your all wonderful

you've all provided me with advice and fits of laughter and thank you all for that. Fabio you appear to be a very top guy and well liked within the Fabs community

Group hugs??

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By *ENDAROOSCouple
over a year ago

South West London / Surrey

so I think I have worked out a way to go and a plan ahead which I am comfortable with, but why does it take to be at a low to see these things...

so.. person question time... have you ever had a crisis of confidence and how did you get out of that funk so to speak?"

Yes I have a few if I'm honest, would say that most people have had their share too at some point or another.

Life is full of up and downs and sometimes it can seem if it's all down.

Having a bit of a tough time ourselves at the moment as everything seems to be going wrong at once.

Think your doing the right thing by talking about it and making a plan of action.

Hope everything works out for you as you come across as a nice level headed guy in your posts. x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its human to experience doubt and a lowering of self esteem Fabio...you know this...

I`m generally a very positive and happy sort of fella however I`ve had many such experiences..some dreadful lows...I endured them to be honest, as I was younger..and didn`t really understand myself or life...

However during the latter half of my life working my way out of them has become easier...

My bottom line is I don`t beat myself up, whilst I`m low or having low self esteem.....its the most important of all my tactics, its sometimes a challenge to remember the instant a negative thought enters my mind...but constant practise has trained my mind ...a little...

A saying I`m fond of is..I`m not responsible for the first thought that enters my stream of consciousness, but am, for the one that follows it..cosequently..I have to challenge my thoughts that say...life shouldn`t be like this...possibly there is constuctive things we can do to help ourselves...sometimes it takes a while..whatever the case or stage...accepting that things are kinda cool...even if the shit is hitting the fan..keeps me bouyant, until the season changes..

Acceptance that my spiritual life ebbs and wanes is my saviour....I accept the less desirable emotions with impartiality....its just a season in my life...it`ll pass...things are as they should be...this acceptance leads to a profound peace of mind.....its not a STRUGGLE..

I`m a bit knackered, and can`t spend the time trying to articulate myself properly ...sorry..hope the above is clear enough...

Don`t knock yerself Sean..accept yer season..

Do some regular, strenous exercise as well.....those happy endorphins will start flowing and your mood will change...always has fer me...worth the effort...

Good thread btw people...very constructive advice....most of it descriptive in nature s`well..

Latly and most importantly....

Bravo fer sharing yer vunerability with us...takes courage, and I always respect it..

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"Its human to experience doubt and a lowering of self esteem Fabio...you know this...

However during the latter half of my life working my way out of them has become easier...

I`m a bit knackered, and can`t spend the time trying to articulate myself properly ...sorry..hope the above is clear enough...

Don`t knock yerself Sean..accept yer season..

Do some regular, strenous exercise as well.....those happy endorphins will start flowing and your mood will change...always has fer me...worth the effort...

Good thread btw people...very constructive advice....most of it descriptive in nature s`well..

Latly and most importantly....

Bravo fer sharing yer vunerability with us...takes courage, and I always respect it.."
Great post - I cant add anything to that without diluting this great post.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I cannot say I have ever lost my confidence as such, just periods of not so good luck.

The only time I was unemployed for 3.5 months was down to poor planning on my part - I rushed to get out of my job without another one to go to because I needed to get away from the area quickly.

I knew I had valuable transferable knowledge and experience, and was unlikely to be out of work for long.

However, it was still scary to find myself unemployed.

I just kept being positive and busy, and was constantly in touch with locum agencies.

Money worries were addressed by taking a payment holiday on my mortgage.

Luckily, I found myself another job, and was out of the hole.

Reflecting on the event, I guess staying positive had helped.

Good luck Sean, I hope you find your mojo again soon!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think that it is natural to lose your swinging mojo when real life gets in the way so wouldn;t worry about that at all.

As for your loss of confidence, I think, as many have already said that it will happen in all our lives at some point. It's happened to me a few times, most recently earlier this year. I was given some advice at that time that I almost dismissed as pointless but that I now _iew as some of the best I've ever received. All it was was to make a list of 5 things in life that I had to be happy about, or proud about, or to look forward to. There were other variations, but it made me think, it made me question things, it made me reflect and ultimately made me belive in myself again.

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By *wosWoman
over a year ago

east london

chin up fab xxx

do something to cheer yourself up... go sign up for Pointless...

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By *abio OP Man
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

can i just say a huge thank you for all the mail that I have had since putting up this thread... it has been such a surprise and a nice one in that

I will get round to answering them all, it may take me a while as i have never had this much mail in my inbox before...

sean xxx

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

I had an accident at work a number of years ago.

It put me out of work for two years unable to go back into the field I previously worked in.

My confidense vanished over night, I questioned every decision I made both regarding finding new work and in my personal life, I was no longer able to be sure I was making the right decision at all.

However at the time I had a great support structure around me and was asked to sit down and list all the concerns I had.

Once I had the list, then go through it and decide what I was doing about each thing on it.

This is how I have approached everything since. Once you know you are being constructive and doing something about all of your issues your confidense will return.

I ended up succeeding in returning to work to a job that paid 11k more than I was earning previously.

In the Swinging world.... Well Mate!!!

I would say you are one of the most well known and well liked single guys on here.

Your posts on the forum are insightful and it is very obvious that you thoroughly understand what swinging is all about unlike far to many of the numerous other single guys on here.

Single guys is not our thing but if we wished to meet one yours would be the first msg we sent.

Do what you can and once you know you are doing all you can then trust that it will come. Being patient is the hardest part but it WILL come...

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