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Later conversation transpired that he did indeed like me, felt insecure in himself and got frustrated at never getting my attention... said he felt used.
Damn. What a shocker.
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"I tend to let people have all the rope they need and if they abuse my nature I cut them from my life. Expect the worst and anything else is a bonus. Probably not right but it's the way I am....." Is it a case of one strike and they're out or does the rope have a bit of give first? | |||
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"Interesting thought. Did you ask him to clarify? I think my last fwb relationship was self fulfilling prophecy, he was always the one to message first,I never bothered because surely he'd be too busy, or I didn't think I was worthy of his attention. Upshot. He'd get upset at me for not messaging
Later conversation transpired that he did indeed like me, felt insecure in himself and got frustrated at never getting my attention... said he felt used.
Damn. What a shocker.
"No I was too frustrated by the conversation to ask. He basically treated me in an unfair way, we worked through it and then the same situation arose again and he behaved in the same way. So by forgiving him the first time had I allowed to it happen again? That's a shame about your FWB. I guess its hard to find the balance, not wanting to seem too keen but also enough to let them know youre interested. We're all so sensitive! | |||
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"I tend to let people have all the rope they need and if they abuse my nature I cut them from my life. Expect the worst and anything else is a bonus. Probably not right but it's the way I am..... Is it a case of one strike and they're out or does the rope have a bit of give first?" Depends on what it is and why but normally lying to me ends most things. People do say I'm hard but the truth is quite the opersit so guess it's kind of a defence. As I said it's probably not right but there's only so many kicks you can take or in my case will take. | |||
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"I was having a chat with someone who had treated me quite badly and had hurt my feelings. We're over it now and I was basically telling him to be careful not to do the same thing to someone else. His response "it takes two" made me think. His behaviour was unkind but had i somehow facilitated it by allowing him to treat me that way? Do you do this too? Do you let people treat you bad and does that make you part of the problem? Or are you more closed off? Do you shut them down at the first sign of any hassle? " Oh god this has me thinking, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years and I always said I’d never let a man do that to me but it was a very slow and subtle process. Yes I suppose I did allow it to a degree, though I also thought I was doing what was best for my children so put up with it when I knew I should’ve said enough. I did finally say enough and now wouldn’t put up with that behaviour so if anyone tries to treat me bad I recognise it and try to deal with it. But I’m also not good at messaging first as I think the other person doesn’t need to hear off me so much. It’s still a big confidence issue x | |||
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" No I was too frustrated by the conversation to ask. He basically treated me in an unfair way, we worked through it and then the same situation arose again and he behaved in the same way. So by forgiving him the first time had I allowed to it happen again? That's a shame about your FWB. I guess its hard to find the balance, not wanting to seem too keen but also enough to let them know youre interested. We're all so sensitive! " Fickle creatures these men. And don't regret giving him that 2nd chance, he should of treated you better. As for fwb. These things happen, onto bigger and better things with Tom  | |||
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"I tend to let people have all the rope they need and if they abuse my nature I cut them from my life. Expect the worst and anything else is a bonus. Probably not right but it's the way I am..... Is it a case of one strike and they're out or does the rope have a bit of give first? Depends on what it is and why but normally lying to me ends most things. People do say I'm hard but the truth is quite the opersit so guess it's kind of a defence. As I said it's probably not right but there's only so many kicks you can take or in my case will take." So its more of a learned response because of past experience? | |||
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"I tend to let people have all the rope they need and if they abuse my nature I cut them from my life. Expect the worst and anything else is a bonus. Probably not right but it's the way I am..... Is it a case of one strike and they're out or does the rope have a bit of give first? Depends on what it is and why but normally lying to me ends most things. People do say I'm hard but the truth is quite the opersit so guess it's kind of a defence. As I said it's probably not right but there's only so many kicks you can take or in my case will take. So its more of a learned response because of past experience? " Yes I'd say that's pretty fair to say. | |||
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"I was having a chat with someone who had treated me quite badly and had hurt my feelings. We're over it now and I was basically telling him to be careful not to do the same thing to someone else. His response "it takes two" made me think. His behaviour was unkind but had i somehow facilitated it by allowing him to treat me that way? Do you do this too? Do you let people treat you bad and does that make you part of the problem? Or are you more closed off? Do you shut them down at the first sign of any hassle? Oh god this has me thinking, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years and I always said I’d never let a man do that to me but it was a very slow and subtle process. Yes I suppose I did allow it to a degree, though I also thought I was doing what was best for my children so put up with it when I knew I should’ve said enough. I did finally say enough and now wouldn’t put up with that behaviour so if anyone tries to treat me bad I recognise it and try to deal with it. But I’m also not good at messaging first as I think the other person doesn’t need to hear off me so much. It’s still a big confidence issue x " I can see it being much harder when there are others involved. Especially children, your need to ensure their happiness and settled life outweighs your own. Would you say youre now overly sensitive to it? Like would you cut someone off because you can see their behaviour has potential to go a certain way or would you wait for it to happen? | |||
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"Low self esteem plays a big part in facilitating toxic ppl "Yeah Id definitely agree to this. In my situation I was in a vulnerable place emotionally and probably more willing to let him in. | |||
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"I was having a chat with someone who had treated me quite badly and had hurt my feelings. We're over it now and I was basically telling him to be careful not to do the same thing to someone else. His response "it takes two" made me think. His behaviour was unkind but had i somehow facilitated it by allowing him to treat me that way? Do you do this too? Do you let people treat you bad and does that make you part of the problem? Or are you more closed off? Do you shut them down at the first sign of any hassle? " theirs always two sides to every disagreement but you have to start as you mean to go on | |||
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" No I was too frustrated by the conversation to ask. He basically treated me in an unfair way, we worked through it and then the same situation arose again and he behaved in the same way. So by forgiving him the first time had I allowed to it happen again? That's a shame about your FWB. I guess its hard to find the balance, not wanting to seem too keen but also enough to let them know youre interested. We're all so sensitive! Fickle creatures these men. And don't regret giving him that 2nd chance, he should of treated you better. As for fwb. These things happen, onto bigger and better things with Tom "Things always work out for the best | |||
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" I've always been easy oazy and laid back and genuinely nothing bothers me. The downside was people did take the piss and got taken advantage for a large part. Looking back although it didn't and still doesn't bother me I was a big part of the problem and it took till I was in my late 30's to say no to people. I still have an easy oazy nature but that part of me has changed. I like the nature I have but not standing up for yourself does you no favours x" Do you think it comes more with age? The ability to stand up for yourself? I often get told I don't say no enough  | |||
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" Oh god this has me thinking, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years and I always said I’d never let a man do that to me but it was a very slow and subtle process. Yes I suppose I did allow it to a degree, though I also thought I was doing what was best for my children so put up with it when I knew I should’ve said enough. I did finally say enough and now wouldn’t put up with that behaviour so if anyone tries to treat me bad I recognise it and try to deal with it. But I’m also not good at messaging first as I think the other person doesn’t need to hear off me so much. It’s still a big confidence issue x " THIS! I was in a relationship like this, I was dealing with serious health issues, let him take charge of certain things, and never noticed the complete control until it was too late, breaking free took several more years. Looking back now, I can see how it happened, and it made me realise to a huge degree, I had, although unknowingly, allowed it. I also realised for someone to be a taker, the other has to be a giver, a person can only be taken advantage of if they allow it. I met someone last year, but this time I knew the signs & got out very quickly. I'll never be a doormat again | |||
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"I had a friend who got into a relationship with a threatening and controlling man who severely limited her life. Eventually she broke free but it was a struggle and she even had to have her employer filter her work calls to keep him away. So off she goes and finds another man. When i met him i thought "He is just the bloody same!!" Then I realised, she mistakes controlling behaviour for love and caring. Eventually she found a nice guy and settled down. So sometimes we get what we secretly want and attract what we dont like through our own behaviour. " I guess the type of person you are attracts a certain type of person? Its not until you change your own behaviour or approach that you will see a change in others? Did anything happen to make her different before meeting the guy she is with now or was she just lucky to meet someone nice? | |||
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"I was having a chat with someone who had treated me quite badly and had hurt my feelings. We're over it now and I was basically telling him to be careful not to do the same thing to someone else. His response "it takes two" made me think. His behaviour was unkind but had i somehow facilitated it by allowing him to treat me that way? Do you do this too? Do you let people treat you bad and does that make you part of the problem? Or are you more closed off? Do you shut them down at the first sign of any hassle? theirs always two sides to every disagreement but you have to start as you mean to go on " Yeah think he honestly believes Im in some way to blame. I guess I am by allowing it. | |||
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"I was having a chat with someone who had treated me quite badly and had hurt my feelings. We're over it now and I was basically telling him to be careful not to do the same thing to someone else. His response "it takes two" made me think. His behaviour was unkind but had i somehow facilitated it by allowing him to treat me that way? Do you do this too? Do you let people treat you bad and does that make you part of the problem? Or are you more closed off? Do you shut them down at the first sign of any hassle? theirs always two sides to every disagreement but you have to start as you mean to go on Yeah think he honestly believes Im in some way to blame. I guess I am by allowing it. " is it too forward to ask what he did? | |||
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"Sounds like he thinks you facilitated it. Or maybe he was just trying to blame you or use you as an excuse to justify his bad behaviour. Not a good enough excuse really though. You can't go around blaming others for the way you (he) behaves. Not very grown up. Almost sounds like the sort of thing when someone approaches someone here in a reasonable way but then gets nasty upon rejection and tries to make out it's the other person's loss or, that they weren't interested anyway. Either way, if he was going to intimate that you facilitated his bad behaviour the least he should have done was to explain instead of leaving you wondering and questioning your self... bit of head game really! It's easy to get sucked into this sort of stuff and, some people are master manipulators and thrive on it. A cheap way of boosting their ego at someone else's expense. Soon as I realise whats going on I will walk away. I don't hang around for confrontation. If I can't escape, I'll try and calmly defuse the situation. It's important to let people be cross sometimes and just listen to their grievances. There are so many different variables, I guess it's all down to who they are, why they're behaving that way, what they mean to you, how often it happens... Life and relationships can be so complicated at times. I don't like drama but it's not always possible to avoid, walk away or rise above!" A manipulator is exactly what he is but I genuinely dont think he is aware he is doing it. I guess if we didnt have a bit of drama sometimes we wouldn't be able to appreciate the calm times! | |||
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"I was having a chat with someone who had treated me quite badly and had hurt my feelings. We're over it now and I was basically telling him to be careful not to do the same thing to someone else. His response "it takes two" made me think. His behaviour was unkind but had i somehow facilitated it by allowing him to treat me that way? Do you do this too? Do you let people treat you bad and does that make you part of the problem? Or are you more closed off? Do you shut them down at the first sign of any hassle? Oh god this has me thinking, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years and I always said I’d never let a man do that to me but it was a very slow and subtle process. Yes I suppose I did allow it to a degree, though I also thought I was doing what was best for my children so put up with it when I knew I should’ve said enough. I did finally say enough and now wouldn’t put up with that behaviour so if anyone tries to treat me bad I recognise it and try to deal with it. But I’m also not good at messaging first as I think the other person doesn’t need to hear off me so much. It’s still a big confidence issue x I can see it being much harder when there are others involved. Especially children, your need to ensure their happiness and settled life outweighs your own. Would you say youre now overly sensitive to it? Like would you cut someone off because you can see their behaviour has potential to go a certain way or would you wait for it to happen? " Yes I recognise the signs much quicker now and soon put a stop to it. I’m still a softie but try and control me and I stand up and call it for what it is x | |||
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"Everyone's attitudes are different and some people can become rude or nasty when put in certain situations or under pressure, even the nicest of people can turn.. How we deal with those situations when they arrise, that can vary and I guess it is possible to facilitate or exacerbate the problem by reacting in a similar manner to the protagonist... It's impossible to say if this is so in your situation, but by the very fact you have highlighted his downfall to him and are questioning it here, I would hazard a guess that you wasn't the cause nor catalyst and his "two to tango" quote was his way of deflecting the blame onto yourself. " Oh definitely. Im quite capable of reflecting on my own behaviour and even to see it through someone else's eyes and I in no way encouraged his behaviour at the time. I am however encouraging him to think about it and that is why he is trying to deflect blame. | |||
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"If you like someone enough you are likely to let a few things slide. Eventually they will push too far. I think everyone has limits." I agree. Your feelings towards them always affect how much you'll tolerate. | |||
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"I allowed my husband to get away with extremely bad behaviour. If I didn't I would have gotten regular physical abuse. As I didn't want to go down that road I let him get away with it. It's easy to blame someone else for your own shitty behaviour." Im sorry to hear this. X | |||
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" Oh god this has me thinking, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years and I always said I’d never let a man do that to me but it was a very slow and subtle process. Yes I suppose I did allow it to a degree, though I also thought I was doing what was best for my children so put up with it when I knew I should’ve said enough. I did finally say enough and now wouldn’t put up with that behaviour so if anyone tries to treat me bad I recognise it and try to deal with it. But I’m also not good at messaging first as I think the other person doesn’t need to hear off me so much. It’s still a big confidence issue x THIS! I was in a relationship like this, I was dealing with serious health issues, let him take charge of certain things, and never noticed the complete control until it was too late, breaking free took several more years. Looking back now, I can see how it happened, and it made me realise to a huge degree, I had, although unknowingly, allowed it. I also realised for someone to be a taker, the other has to be a giver, a person can only be taken advantage of if they allow it. I met someone last year, but this time I knew the signs & got out very quickly. I'll never be a doormat again " Yeah I think that's where the "it takes two" comes from. I probably in some way knew what I was getting into but did it anyway. Do you think you've gone the other way though? Are you more guarded to the point you might not allow something good in? | |||
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"I was having a chat with someone who had treated me quite badly and had hurt my feelings. We're over it now and I was basically telling him to be careful not to do the same thing to someone else. His response "it takes two" made me think. His behaviour was unkind but had i somehow facilitated it by allowing him to treat me that way? Do you do this too? Do you let people treat you bad and does that make you part of the problem? Or are you more closed off? Do you shut them down at the first sign of any hassle? theirs always two sides to every disagreement but you have to start as you mean to go on Yeah think he honestly believes Im in some way to blame. I guess I am by allowing it. is it too forward to ask what he did?" Played me | |||
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"You have done nothing wrong no one should be treated in that way just block xx" Thank you x | |||
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"I always told our kids people only treat you as badly as you allow them to and I firmly believe that in many cases. Of course bad behaviour comes first and foremost from the person displaying it but if you don't challenge it and it continues you're allowing it to happen to you. I recall someone I know who had treated their daughter very poorly being asked to discuss it with her, they refused saying "she'll come back" and she did, the bad behaviour continued. I'm not referring to physical and emotional abuse of the worst kind though or children." On a basic level its kinda like children having tantrums. The way you react often dictates how future behaviour will be. If they get the attention they want then they'll do it again. | |||
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"Sounds like mind games to me. It’s all about self worth and time. Time to change your attitude, time to believe in yourself, time to close that chapter, time to move on, time to stop dwelling, time to put yourself first, time to enjoy life with no regrets nor guilt. Time I made a cuppa, who wants one? Ed" Milk and one please! Its funny Im actually really good friends with him now, I think the fact that I've seen things from the way he treats people I can make him reflect on his behaviour and improve it. | |||
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" I've always been easy oazy and laid back and genuinely nothing bothers me. The downside was people did take the piss and got taken advantage for a large part. Looking back although it didn't and still doesn't bother me I was a big part of the problem and it took till I was in my late 30's to say no to people. I still have an easy oazy nature but that part of me has changed. I like the nature I have but not standing up for yourself does you no favours x Do you think it comes more with age? The ability to stand up for yourself? I often get told I don't say no enough "It's a lot to do with confidence. It's like someone asking you for a lift or your boss asking you to do overtime when you don't want to or just can't be arsed but you still say yes but other people would say no without hesitation. You will change the older you get tho. And remember you don't have to say no all the time just don't go out of your way for people every time they ask. Get a nice balance between being nice and not been taken for granted. It will serve you well x | |||
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"It's not always low self-esteem, empaths tend to attract the narcissistic - who seek out people who will provide what they need and never accept blame for their using behaviour. The internet seems to facilitate a culture of using too as peer pressure is removed." Oh 100%. There's someone I know like that, we move in similar circles but dont really have much personal contact. Hes like a shark online, picking off prey as he wishes. He moves in, uses them then moves on. Its like theyre not real people to him and he sees no fault in his behaviour. The anonymity of the internet lets some people feel no guilt. | |||
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"The most fascinating thread ever. Its caused me to self reflect Brilliant" Sorry | |||
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" I've always been easy oazy and laid back and genuinely nothing bothers me. The downside was people did take the piss and got taken advantage for a large part. Looking back although it didn't and still doesn't bother me I was a big part of the problem and it took till I was in my late 30's to say no to people. I still have an easy oazy nature but that part of me has changed. I like the nature I have but not standing up for yourself does you no favours x Do you think it comes more with age? The ability to stand up for yourself? I often get told I don't say no enough
It's a lot to do with confidence. It's like someone asking you for a lift or your boss asking you to do overtime when you don't want to or just can't be arsed but you still say yes but other people would say no without hesitation. You will change the older you get tho. And remember you don't have to say no all the time just don't go out of your way for people every time they ask. Get a nice balance between being nice and not been taken for granted. It will serve you well x"I realised recently I also have to work on my asking too. | |||
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"Sounds like mind games to me. It’s all about self worth and time. Time to change your attitude, time to believe in yourself, time to close that chapter, time to move on, time to stop dwelling, time to put yourself first, time to enjoy life with no regrets nor guilt. Time I made a cuppa, who wants one? Ed Milk and one please! Its funny Im actually really good friends with him now, I think the fact that I've seen things from the way he treats people I can make him reflect on his behaviour and improve it. " Coming right up! Sounds like you have a big heart, not a bad thing but can be vulnerable sometimes. I personally wouldn’t bother trying to correct him. He’s a big boy and let him make his own mistakes. Like I said, time is precious, don’t waste it. Ed | |||
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"Sounds like mind games to me. It’s all about self worth and time. Time to change your attitude, time to believe in yourself, time to close that chapter, time to move on, time to stop dwelling, time to put yourself first, time to enjoy life with no regrets nor guilt. Time I made a cuppa, who wants one? Ed Milk and one please! Its funny Im actually really good friends with him now, I think the fact that I've seen things from the way he treats people I can make him reflect on his behaviour and improve it. Coming right up! Sounds like you have a big heart, not a bad thing but can be vulnerable sometimes. I personally wouldn’t bother trying to correct him. He’s a big boy and let him make his own mistakes. Like I said, time is precious, don’t waste it. Ed" Thank you. I do spend a fair bit of time saying "Im not listening anymore!" | |||
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"It's not always low self-esteem, empaths tend to attract the narcissistic - who seek out people who will provide what they need and never accept blame for their using behaviour. The internet seems to facilitate a culture of using too as peer pressure is removed. Oh 100%. There's someone I know like that, we move in similar circles but dont really have much personal contact. Hes like a shark online, picking off prey as he wishes. He moves in, uses them then moves on. Its like theyre not real people to him and he sees no fault in his behaviour. The anonymity of the internet lets some people feel no guilt. " There's a lot who don't need the anonymity to act like that. | |||
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"Sounds like mind games to me. It’s all about self worth and time. Time to change your attitude, time to believe in yourself, time to close that chapter, time to move on, time to stop dwelling, time to put yourself first, time to enjoy life with no regrets nor guilt. Time I made a cuppa, who wants one? Ed Milk and one please! Its funny Im actually really good friends with him now, I think the fact that I've seen things from the way he treats people I can make him reflect on his behaviour and improve it. Coming right up! Sounds like you have a big heart, not a bad thing but can be vulnerable sometimes. I personally wouldn’t bother trying to correct him. He’s a big boy and let him make his own mistakes. Like I said, time is precious, don’t waste it. Ed Thank you. I do spend a fair bit of time saying "Im not listening anymore!" " | |||
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"I always told our kids people only treat you as badly as you allow them to and I firmly believe that in many cases. Of course bad behaviour comes first and foremost from the person displaying it but if you don't challenge it and it continues you're allowing it to happen to you. I recall someone I know who had treated their daughter very poorly being asked to discuss it with her, they refused saying "she'll come back" and she did, the bad behaviour continued. I'm not referring to physical and emotional abuse of the worst kind though or children. On a basic level its kinda like children having tantrums. The way you react often dictates how future behaviour will be. If they get the attention they want then they'll do it again. " Yep. An acquaintance of mine spends all bloody year moaning about how her family take advantage of her at Christmas by not helping and expecting her to do lunch on the day. Yet she still does it and says nothing! Daft woman. I do think that it gives some people a perverse pleasure to complain about bad treatment that it would be very easy for them to put a stop to. | |||
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"It's not always low self-esteem, empaths tend to attract the narcissistic - who seek out people who will provide what they need and never accept blame for their using behaviour. The internet seems to facilitate a culture of using too as peer pressure is removed. Oh 100%. There's someone I know like that, we move in similar circles but dont really have much personal contact. Hes like a shark online, picking off prey as he wishes. He moves in, uses them then moves on. Its like theyre not real people to him and he sees no fault in his behaviour. The anonymity of the internet lets some people feel no guilt. There's a lot who don't need the anonymity to act like that." That's very true! | |||
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"Sounds like mind games to me. It’s all about self worth and time. Time to change your attitude, time to believe in yourself, time to close that chapter, time to move on, time to stop dwelling, time to put yourself first, time to enjoy life with no regrets nor guilt. Time I made a cuppa, who wants one? Ed Milk and one please! Its funny Im actually really good friends with him now, I think the fact that I've seen things from the way he treats people I can make him reflect on his behaviour and improve it. Coming right up! Sounds like you have a big heart, not a bad thing but can be vulnerable sometimes. I personally wouldn’t bother trying to correct him. He’s a big boy and let him make his own mistakes. Like I said, time is precious, don’t waste it. Ed Thank you. I do spend a fair bit of time saying "Im not listening anymore!" "Yeah, but you're still listening | |||
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"Sounds like he thinks you facilitated it. Or maybe he was just trying to blame you or use you as an excuse to justify his bad behaviour. Not a good enough excuse really though. You can't go around blaming others for the way you (he) behaves. Not very grown up. Almost sounds like the sort of thing when someone approaches someone here in a reasonable way but then gets nasty upon rejection and tries to make out it's the other person's loss or, that they weren't interested anyway. Either way, if he was going to intimate that you facilitated his bad behaviour the least he should have done was to explain instead of leaving you wondering and questioning your self... bit of head game really! It's easy to get sucked into this sort of stuff and, some people are master manipulators and thrive on it. A cheap way of boosting their ego at someone else's expense. Soon as I realise whats going on I will walk away. I don't hang around for confrontation. If I can't escape, I'll try and calmly defuse the situation. It's important to let people be cross sometimes and just listen to their grievances. There are so many different variables, I guess it's all down to who they are, why they're behaving that way, what they mean to you, how often it happens... Life and relationships can be so complicated at times. I don't like drama but it's not always possible to avoid, walk away or rise above! A manipulator is exactly what he is but I genuinely dont think he is aware he is doing it. I guess if we didnt have a bit of drama sometimes we wouldn't be able to appreciate the calm times! " True...and your right, some people genuinely aren't aware of how manipulative they are being. It makes it easier to forgive and to try and work it through but if it isn't working after many attempts then by continuing to stick around you probably are facilitating it in some way. | |||
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"I always told our kids people only treat you as badly as you allow them to and I firmly believe that in many cases. Of course bad behaviour comes first and foremost from the person displaying it but if you don't challenge it and it continues you're allowing it to happen to you. I recall someone I know who had treated their daughter very poorly being asked to discuss it with her, they refused saying "she'll come back" and she did, the bad behaviour continued. I'm not referring to physical and emotional abuse of the worst kind though or children. On a basic level its kinda like children having tantrums. The way you react often dictates how future behaviour will be. If they get the attention they want then they'll do it again. Yep. An acquaintance of mine spends all bloody year moaning about how her family take advantage of her at Christmas by not helping and expecting her to do lunch on the day. Yet she still does it and says nothing! Daft woman. I do think that it gives some people a perverse pleasure to complain about bad treatment that it would be very easy for them to put a stop to." Haha I think that a lot on here. Especially people complaining about the messages they receive but then dont use their filters! | |||
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" Yeah I think that's where the "it takes two" comes from. I probably in some way knew what I was getting into but did it anyway. Do you think you've gone the other way though? Are you more guarded to the point you might not allow something good in? " Definitely! I was single for a long time after we split - 10yrs before I let another man near me. I built walls, shut myself off, totally closed down my emotions. I'm still very guarded, I've walked away from people as soon as I've felt myself getting attached, the thought of letting my emotions take over, honestly scares me, the risk of getting hurt again, not something I want to ever experience. | |||
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"I do think the quote "what you allow,will continue" is quite apt. People can only disrespect you if you keep letting them do it. Im too old to put up with much crap nowadays. Miss" Me too. In my younger days I put up with crap from one person for far too long. I mean serious rubbish behaviour. Never again. | |||
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"Sounds like he thinks you facilitated it. Or maybe he was just trying to blame you or use you as an excuse to justify his bad behaviour. Not a good enough excuse really though. You can't go around blaming others for the way you (he) behaves. Not very grown up. Almost sounds like the sort of thing when someone approaches someone here in a reasonable way but then gets nasty upon rejection and tries to make out it's the other person's loss or, that they weren't interested anyway. Either way, if he was going to intimate that you facilitated his bad behaviour the least he should have done was to explain instead of leaving you wondering and questioning your self... bit of head game really! It's easy to get sucked into this sort of stuff and, some people are master manipulators and thrive on it. A cheap way of boosting their ego at someone else's expense. Soon as I realise whats going on I will walk away. I don't hang around for confrontation. If I can't escape, I'll try and calmly defuse the situation. It's important to let people be cross sometimes and just listen to their grievances. There are so many different variables, I guess it's all down to who they are, why they're behaving that way, what they mean to you, how often it happens... Life and relationships can be so complicated at times. I don't like drama but it's not always possible to avoid, walk away or rise above! A manipulator is exactly what he is but I genuinely dont think he is aware he is doing it. I guess if we didnt have a bit of drama sometimes we wouldn't be able to appreciate the calm times! True...and your right, some people genuinely aren't aware of how manipulative they are being. It makes it easier to forgive and to try and work it through but if it isn't working after many attempts then by continuing to stick around you probably are facilitating it in some way." Yeah. First chance is given. Second chance was foolish for me to give. There won't be a third. | |||
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" Yeah I think that's where the "it takes two" comes from. I probably in some way knew what I was getting into but did it anyway. Do you think you've gone the other way though? Are you more guarded to the point you might not allow something good in? Definitely! I was single for a long time after we split - 10yrs before I let another man near me. I built walls, shut myself off, totally closed down my emotions. I'm still very guarded, I've walked away from people as soon as I've felt myself getting attached, the thought of letting my emotions take over, honestly scares me, the risk of getting hurt again, not something I want to ever experience. " I hope you meet someone who makes you forget to put the barriers up x | |||
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"I do think the quote "what you allow,will continue" is quite apt. People can only disrespect you if you keep letting them do it. Im too old to put up with much crap nowadays. Miss" For sure. I think age and experience make people more likely to stick up for themselves. | |||
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"I had a friend who got into a relationship with a threatening and controlling man who severely limited her life. Eventually she broke free but it was a struggle and she even had to have her employer filter her work calls to keep him away. So off she goes and finds another man. When i met him i thought "He is just the bloody same!!" Then I realised, she mistakes controlling behaviour for love and caring. Eventually she found a nice guy and settled down. So sometimes we get what we secretly want and attract what we dont like through our own behaviour. " Think we all know people like that. One of my friends, absolutely stunning, always has a boyfriend who beats her up. They all start out nice but when she introduces them my spider senses start tingling. When I've voiced concern because of something they've said/done in front of me she's jumped to their defense so I kept my own counsel and supported her during the inevitable break up! I'm a generous and kind person. Some mistake kindness for weakness. I'm also brutally honest and fair and give warning. If it's not headed...the end is quick and brutal and no second chances. | |||
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"Sounds like he thinks you facilitated it. Or maybe he was just trying to blame you or use you as an excuse to justify his bad behaviour. Not a good enough excuse really though. You can't go around blaming others for the way you (he) behaves. Not very grown up. Almost sounds like the sort of thing when someone approaches someone here in a reasonable way but then gets nasty upon rejection and tries to make out it's the other person's loss or, that they weren't interested anyway. Either way, if he was going to intimate that you facilitated his bad behaviour the least he should have done was to explain instead of leaving you wondering and questioning your self... bit of head game really! It's easy to get sucked into this sort of stuff and, some people are master manipulators and thrive on it. A cheap way of boosting their ego at someone else's expense. Soon as I realise whats going on I will walk away. I don't hang around for confrontation. If I can't escape, I'll try and calmly defuse the situation. It's important to let people be cross sometimes and just listen to their grievances. There are so many different variables, I guess it's all down to who they are, why they're behaving that way, what they mean to you, how often it happens... Life and relationships can be so complicated at times. I don't like drama but it's not always possible to avoid, walk away or rise above! A manipulator is exactly what he is but I genuinely dont think he is aware he is doing it. I guess if we didnt have a bit of drama sometimes we wouldn't be able to appreciate the calm times! True...and your right, some people genuinely aren't aware of how manipulative they are being. It makes it easier to forgive and to try and work it through but if it isn't working after many attempts then by continuing to stick around you probably are facilitating it in some way. Yeah. First chance is given. Second chance was foolish for me to give. There won't be a third. " Giving someone a second chance doesn't make you foolish, it makes you a decent human. We all make mistakes and giving some one a chance to fix them is the right thing to do in most cases. Think of all the mistakes you've made in your life and the consequences on your life if you hadn't been given a second chance. Most of us are sensible and we often learn the most from our mistakes! The three strikes rule...I wouldn't argue with that. It's all anyone will get from me! | |||
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"Everyone's attitudes are different and some people can become rude or nasty when put in certain situations or under pressure, even the nicest of people can turn.. How we deal with those situations when they arrise, that can vary and I guess it is possible to facilitate or exacerbate the problem by reacting in a similar manner to the protagonist... It's impossible to say if this is so in your situation, but by the very fact you have highlighted his downfall to him and are questioning it here, I would hazard a guess that you wasn't the cause nor catalyst and his "two to tango" quote was his way of deflecting the blame onto yourself. Oh definitely. Im quite capable of reflecting on my own behaviour and even to see it through someone else's eyes and I in no way encouraged his behaviour at the time. I am however encouraging him to think about it and that is why he is trying to deflect blame. " The fact he knows he is in the wrong by offsetting some blame onto you means he is contrite... That is a start and perhaps a good sign he is repentant and possibly won't repeat his previous failings. .. | |||
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"I was having a chat with someone who had treated me quite badly and had hurt my feelings. We're over it now and I was basically telling him to be careful not to do the same thing to someone else. His response "it takes two" made me think. His behaviour was unkind but had i somehow facilitated it by allowing him to treat me that way? Do you do this too? Do you let people treat you bad and does that make you part of the problem? Or are you more closed off? Do you shut them down at the first sign of any hassle? " I have learnt some people try to manipulate you and get in your head as thats what they do hes blaming you as that what manipulaters are block move on and delete him out your life x | |||
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"Yes I would say we can be our own worst enemies... I have given some people in my life way to many chances .. on here tho I give one and one only ... but I have learnt to play the players in my life at their own game ! Put these people in a box expect the worse and let them work for it! If they don't then they are not worth your time or energy.. their is always someone else who will.. and yes I think this is something you get better at with age and experience x" I like this approach im very guilty of expecting to be treated the way I would others rather than seeing that some people have their own agenda and dont always play fair. | |||
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"I was having a chat with someone who had treated me quite badly and had hurt my feelings. We're over it now and I was basically telling him to be careful not to do the same thing to someone else. His response "it takes two" made me think. His behaviour was unkind but had i somehow facilitated it by allowing him to treat me that way? Do you do this too? Do you let people treat you bad and does that make you part of the problem? Or are you more closed off? Do you shut them down at the first sign of any hassle? " He sounds like a fucking arsehole and is projecting to try and excuse his disgusting behaviour. I've been there and made to feel guilty for a man who treated me like rubbish. Cut him off and move on, you're worth more than that Espicially if he won't take accountability for his actions xx | |||
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"I had a friend who got into a relationship with a threatening and controlling man who severely limited her life. Eventually she broke free but it was a struggle and she even had to have her employer filter her work calls to keep him away. So off she goes and finds another man. When i met him i thought "He is just the bloody same!!" Then I realised, she mistakes controlling behaviour for love and caring. Eventually she found a nice guy and settled down. So sometimes we get what we secretly want and attract what we dont like through our own behaviour. Think we all know people like that. One of my friends, absolutely stunning, always has a boyfriend who beats her up. They all start out nice but when she introduces them my spider senses start tingling. When I've voiced concern because of something they've said/done in front of me she's jumped to their defense so I kept my own counsel and supported her during the inevitable break up! I'm a generous and kind person. Some mistake kindness for weakness. I'm also brutally honest and fair and give warning. If it's not headed...the end is quick and brutal and no second chances." Its always frustrating when you can't make someone see what you do. But as its been said so much shes the one allowing it to happen. You can only help pick up the pieces. I agree about kindness 100%. Its possible to be nice but not be taken advantage of. | |||
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"Everyone's attitudes are different and some people can become rude or nasty when put in certain situations or under pressure, even the nicest of people can turn.. How we deal with those situations when they arrise, that can vary and I guess it is possible to facilitate or exacerbate the problem by reacting in a similar manner to the protagonist... It's impossible to say if this is so in your situation, but by the very fact you have highlighted his downfall to him and are questioning it here, I would hazard a guess that you wasn't the cause nor catalyst and his "two to tango" quote was his way of deflecting the blame onto yourself. Oh definitely. Im quite capable of reflecting on my own behaviour and even to see it through someone else's eyes and I in no way encouraged his behaviour at the time. I am however encouraging him to think about it and that is why he is trying to deflect blame. The fact he knows he is in the wrong by offsetting some blame onto you means he is contrite... That is a start and perhaps a good sign he is repentant and possibly won't repeat his previous failings. .. " Wishful thinking. The reason we had the conversation was because hed started heading into the say situation again  | |||
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"I was having a chat with someone who had treated me quite badly and had hurt my feelings. We're over it now and I was basically telling him to be careful not to do the same thing to someone else. His response "it takes two" made me think. His behaviour was unkind but had i somehow facilitated it by allowing him to treat me that way? Do you do this too? Do you let people treat you bad and does that make you part of the problem? Or are you more closed off? Do you shut them down at the first sign of any hassle? I have learnt some people try to manipulate you and get in your head as thats what they do hes blaming you as that what manipulaters are block move on and delete him out your life x" That side of things is definitely shut off. I actually realised that at that time I was kind of using him to fill a gap in my life too. We make good friends and that's what we will always be. | |||
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"OP he sounds like an 8-year old. You called him on his bad bahaviour and his response was basically "you made me do it" - as if you are somehow responsible for him not treating you well. You aren't. Run from this one. "He is quite child like in his inability to self reflect or empathise! | |||
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"OP he sounds like an 8-year old. You called him on his bad bahaviour and his response was basically "you made me do it" - as if you are somehow responsible for him not treating you well. You aren't. Run from this one.
He is quite child like in his inability to self reflect or empathise! "yeah my ex is the same | |||
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"I was having a chat with someone who had treated me quite badly and had hurt my feelings. We're over it now and I was basically telling him to be careful not to do the same thing to someone else. His response "it takes two" made me think. His behaviour was unkind but had i somehow facilitated it by allowing him to treat me that way? Do you do this too? Do you let people treat you bad and does that make you part of the problem? Or are you more closed off? Do you shut them down at the first sign of any hassle? He sounds like a fucking arsehole and is projecting to try and excuse his disgusting behaviour. I've been there and made to feel guilty for a man who treated me like rubbish. Cut him off and move on, you're worth more than that Espicially if he won't take accountability for his actions xx" That's the thing. He needs to own what he did in order to not repeat it. That's why we had the chat, I was asking him to look at himself and not make the mistakes he made with me. | |||
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"We do tend to get the type of treatment we are willing to tolerate. One off, anyone can be taken in, but repeatedly?" I guess it makes a difference too who is doing it. I gave him a second chance but he won't get a third. I wonder if I had stronger feelings for him how many chances Id have given, that's worrying. | |||
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"We do tend to get the type of treatment we are willing to tolerate. One off, anyone can be taken in, but repeatedly? I guess it makes a difference too who is doing it. I gave him a second chance but he won't get a third. I wonder if I had stronger feelings for him how many chances Id have given, that's worrying. " That's got little to do with feelings, healthy boundaries and self-worth are what stops someone from being a perpetual victim. | |||
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"Following an event that left me a hormonal, emotional wreck I got hurt very easily by things I wouldn’t usually care too much about. I let my feelings run amok and made myself a very sad girl indeed. However the walls are being rebuilt and I’m now consiously avoiding anything that may seek to hurt me. Yes. We facilitate. It’s normal. The lashing out when hurt does more damage in my opinion. " I've never been one to lash out, Im a hold it all in kinda person but yeah I've seen others behave that way and can agree it can be so damaging. People can react before having time to reflect. | |||
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"I was having a chat with someone who had treated me quite badly and had hurt my feelings. We're over it now and I was basically telling him to be careful not to do the same thing to someone else. His response "it takes two" made me think. His behaviour was unkind but had i somehow facilitated it by allowing him to treat me that way? Do you do this too? Do you let people treat you bad and does that make you part of the problem? Or are you more closed off? Do you shut them down at the first sign of any hassle? He sounds like a fucking arsehole and is projecting to try and excuse his disgusting behaviour. I've been there and made to feel guilty for a man who treated me like rubbish. Cut him off and move on, you're worth more than that Espicially if he won't take accountability for his actions xx That's the thing. He needs to own what he did in order to not repeat it. That's why we had the chat, I was asking him to look at himself and not make the mistakes he made with me. " You can't fix others, lack of empathy is indicative of narcissism or sociopathy, cut him out of your life. | |||
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"We do tend to get the type of treatment we are willing to tolerate. One off, anyone can be taken in, but repeatedly? I guess it makes a difference too who is doing it. I gave him a second chance but he won't get a third. I wonder if I had stronger feelings for him how many chances Id have given, that's worrying. That's got little to do with feelings, healthy boundaries and self-worth are what stops someone from being a perpetual victim." But surely its on a circumstantial basis? Like my professional boundaries are clear and rigid in what I will or will not tolerate and are the same for each person I deal with yet with my friends those boundaries are all different. Behaviour that is acceptable from one I wouldn't tolerate from another. I guess it depends on the other person and your feelings and expectations of them? | |||
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"I was having a chat with someone who had treated me quite badly and had hurt my feelings. We're over it now and I was basically telling him to be careful not to do the same thing to someone else. His response "it takes two" made me think. His behaviour was unkind but had i somehow facilitated it by allowing him to treat me that way? Do you do this too? Do you let people treat you bad and does that make you part of the problem? Or are you more closed off? Do you shut them down at the first sign of any hassle? He sounds like a fucking arsehole and is projecting to try and excuse his disgusting behaviour. I've been there and made to feel guilty for a man who treated me like rubbish. Cut him off and move on, you're worth more than that Espicially if he won't take accountability for his actions xx That's the thing. He needs to own what he did in order to not repeat it. That's why we had the chat, I was asking him to look at himself and not make the mistakes he made with me. You can't fix others, lack of empathy is indicative of narcissism or sociopathy, cut him out of your life." Oh emotionally we have no involvement. Hes one of those sometimes friends. We catch up sometimes but theres a high chance that at some point it'll be years without contact and neither of us will have noticed | |||
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"I had a friend who got into a relationship with a threatening and controlling man who severely limited her life. Eventually she broke free but it was a struggle and she even had to have her employer filter her work calls to keep him away. So off she goes and finds another man. When i met him i thought "He is just the bloody same!!" Then I realised, she mistakes controlling behaviour for love and caring. Eventually she found a nice guy and settled down. So sometimes we get what we secretly want and attract what we dont like through our own behaviour. Think we all know people like that. One of my friends, absolutely stunning, always has a boyfriend who beats her up. They all start out nice but when she introduces them my spider senses start tingling. " I met someone recently who said something about women who 'drop their knickers too easily' and I thought 'Oh yes, what's YOUR name then!' spidey antenna twitching.... When I said I could not meet for a couple of weeks and his retort was' Oh yes, I'm sure you've got a lot of dates lined up....' I knew it was time to quote my ex........'Bye Bye Sooty!' | |||
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"We do tend to get the type of treatment we are willing to tolerate. One off, anyone can be taken in, but repeatedly? I guess it makes a difference too who is doing it. I gave him a second chance but he won't get a third. I wonder if I had stronger feelings for him how many chances Id have given, that's worrying. " I think it's very easy to get caught up in a cycle of tolerating poor behaviour because you like someone a lot. I tolerate things from friends who are otherwise lovely that I wouldn't put up with if I didn't like them. An old neighbour of ours came round to apologise for her husband's aggression towards us, she acknowledged his behaviour was bad and said "that's why I love him" | |||
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"I had a friend who got into a relationship with a threatening and controlling man who severely limited her life. Eventually she broke free but it was a struggle and she even had to have her employer filter her work calls to keep him away. So off she goes and finds another man. When i met him i thought "He is just the bloody same!!" Then I realised, she mistakes controlling behaviour for love and caring. Eventually she found a nice guy and settled down. So sometimes we get what we secretly want and attract what we dont like through our own behaviour. Think we all know people like that. One of my friends, absolutely stunning, always has a boyfriend who beats her up. They all start out nice but when she introduces them my spider senses start tingling. I met someone recently who said something about women who 'drop their knickers too easily' and I thought 'Oh yes, what's YOUR name then!' spidey antenna twitching.... When I said I could not meet for a couple of weeks and his retort was' Oh yes, I'm sure you've got a lot of dates lined up....' I knew it was time to quote my ex........'Bye Bye Sooty!' " sometimes they just make it obvious! | |||
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"Everyone's attitudes are different and some people can become rude or nasty when put in certain situations or under pressure, even the nicest of people can turn.. How we deal with those situations when they arrise, that can vary and I guess it is possible to facilitate or exacerbate the problem by reacting in a similar manner to the protagonist... It's impossible to say if this is so in your situation, but by the very fact you have highlighted his downfall to him and are questioning it here, I would hazard a guess that you wasn't the cause nor catalyst and his "two to tango" quote was his way of deflecting the blame onto yourself. Oh definitely. Im quite capable of reflecting on my own behaviour and even to see it through someone else's eyes and I in no way encouraged his behaviour at the time. I am however encouraging him to think about it and that is why he is trying to deflect blame. The fact he knows he is in the wrong by offsetting some blame onto you means he is contrite... " Or he is just projecting his own guilt and will never accept it! I am not saying I know, never assume, just that there is another possibility which may even be more likely with someone who has been abusive... | |||
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"We do tend to get the type of treatment we are willing to tolerate. One off, anyone can be taken in, but repeatedly? I guess it makes a difference too who is doing it. I gave him a second chance but he won't get a third. I wonder if I had stronger feelings for him how many chances Id have given, that's worrying. I think it's very easy to get caught up in a cycle of tolerating poor behaviour because you like someone a lot. I tolerate things from friends who are otherwise lovely that I wouldn't put up with if I didn't like them. An old neighbour of ours came round to apologise for her husband's aggression towards us, she acknowledged his behaviour was bad and said "that's why I love him" "That is worrying! | |||
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"Everyone's attitudes are different and some people can become rude or nasty when put in certain situations or under pressure, even the nicest of people can turn.. How we deal with those situations when they arrise, that can vary and I guess it is possible to facilitate or exacerbate the problem by reacting in a similar manner to the protagonist... It's impossible to say if this is so in your situation, but by the very fact you have highlighted his downfall to him and are questioning it here, I would hazard a guess that you wasn't the cause nor catalyst and his "two to tango" quote was his way of deflecting the blame onto yourself. Oh definitely. Im quite capable of reflecting on my own behaviour and even to see it through someone else's eyes and I in no way encouraged his behaviour at the time. I am however encouraging him to think about it and that is why he is trying to deflect blame. The fact he knows he is in the wrong by offsetting some blame onto you means he is contrite... Or he is just projecting his own guilt and will never accept it! I am not saying I know, never assume, just that there is another possibility which may even be more likely with someone who has been abusive..." I agree. Its easier for him to blame me than to admit to himself he might be wrong. | |||
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"We do tend to get the type of treatment we are willing to tolerate. One off, anyone can be taken in, but repeatedly? I guess it makes a difference too who is doing it. I gave him a second chance but he won't get a third. I wonder if I had stronger feelings for him how many chances Id have given, that's worrying. I think it's very easy to get caught up in a cycle of tolerating poor behaviour because you like someone a lot. I tolerate things from friends who are otherwise lovely that I wouldn't put up with if I didn't like them. An old neighbour of ours came round to apologise for her husband's aggression towards us, she acknowledged his behaviour was bad and said "that's why I love him"
That is worrying! "Yeah, she frequently walked in to doors and he controlled her by encouraging excessive drinking. | |||
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"Have felt similar and do have a natural trait of shrugging my shoulders and moving on and ignore it until it passes. But, perhaps we shouldn't and think about the next person who gets it as they might not have as broader shoulders." Well that's the reason we were having the conversation. I could see there was a chance of him being in the same position again. Yes he hurt me but Im quite rational in my approach and am fairly emotionally stable. I got over it. But what if the next girl dosent? | |||
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"We do tend to get the type of treatment we are willing to tolerate. One off, anyone can be taken in, but repeatedly? I guess it makes a difference too who is doing it. I gave him a second chance but he won't get a third. I wonder if I had stronger feelings for him how many chances Id have given, that's worrying. I think it's very easy to get caught up in a cycle of tolerating poor behaviour because you like someone a lot. I tolerate things from friends who are otherwise lovely that I wouldn't put up with if I didn't like them. An old neighbour of ours came round to apologise for her husband's aggression towards us, she acknowledged his behaviour was bad and said "that's why I love him"
That is worrying!
Yeah, she frequently walked in to doors and he controlled her by encouraging excessive drinking. "Its horrible to think there are people in this kind of situation. I really feel for them. | |||
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"We do tend to get the type of treatment we are willing to tolerate. One off, anyone can be taken in, but repeatedly? I guess it makes a difference too who is doing it. I gave him a second chance but he won't get a third. I wonder if I had stronger feelings for him how many chances Id have given, that's worrying. I think it's very easy to get caught up in a cycle of tolerating poor behaviour because you like someone a lot. I tolerate things from friends who are otherwise lovely that I wouldn't put up with if I didn't like them. An old neighbour of ours came round to apologise for her husband's aggression towards us, she acknowledged his behaviour was bad and said "that's why I love him"
That is worrying!
Yeah, she frequently walked in to doors and he controlled her by encouraging excessive drinking.
Its horrible to think there are people in this kind of situation. I really feel for them. "I do to an extent and I understand that this type of abuse is emotional as well as physical but how do you help someone who keeps running back in to the flames? | |||
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"We do tend to get the type of treatment we are willing to tolerate. One off, anyone can be taken in, but repeatedly? I guess it makes a difference too who is doing it. I gave him a second chance but he won't get a third. I wonder if I had stronger feelings for him how many chances Id have given, that's worrying. I think it's very easy to get caught up in a cycle of tolerating poor behaviour because you like someone a lot. I tolerate things from friends who are otherwise lovely that I wouldn't put up with if I didn't like them. An old neighbour of ours came round to apologise for her husband's aggression towards us, she acknowledged his behaviour was bad and said "that's why I love him"
That is worrying!
Yeah, she frequently walked in to doors and he controlled her by encouraging excessive drinking.
Its horrible to think there are people in this kind of situation. I really feel for them.
I do to an extent and I understand that this type of abuse is emotional as well as physical but how do you help someone who keeps running back in to the flames?"You can't, until they want to help themselves. | |||
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"We do tend to get the type of treatment we are willing to tolerate. One off, anyone can be taken in, but repeatedly? I guess it makes a difference too who is doing it. I gave him a second chance but he won't get a third. I wonder if I had stronger feelings for him how many chances Id have given, that's worrying. I think it's very easy to get caught up in a cycle of tolerating poor behaviour because you like someone a lot. I tolerate things from friends who are otherwise lovely that I wouldn't put up with if I didn't like them. An old neighbour of ours came round to apologise for her husband's aggression towards us, she acknowledged his behaviour was bad and said "that's why I love him"
That is worrying!
Yeah, she frequently walked in to doors and he controlled her by encouraging excessive drinking.
Its horrible to think there are people in this kind of situation. I really feel for them.
I do to an extent and I understand that this type of abuse is emotional as well as physical but how do you help someone who keeps running back in to the flames?"That's the thing you can only be there for them when they make that decision to leave. They know deep inside its not right but the person has a hold of them. My aunt was in an abusive relationship and I remember chatting to her after they split about how the whole family hated him and she said even if we had told her it wouldn't have mattered, she'd have cut us off before even considering looking at the way he treated her because she was so in love with him. | |||
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"Interesting thought. Did you ask him to clarify? I think my last fwb relationship was self fulfilling prophecy, he was always the one to message first,I never bothered because surely he'd be too busy, or I didn't think I was worthy of his attention. Upshot. He'd get upset at me for not messaging
Later conversation transpired that he did indeed like me, felt insecure in himself and got frustrated at never getting my attention... said he felt used.
Damn. What a shocker.
No I was too frustrated by the conversation to ask.
He basically treated me in an unfair way, we worked through it and then the same situation arose again and he behaved in the same way. So by forgiving him the first time had I allowed to it happen again?
That's a shame about your FWB. I guess its hard to find the balance, not wanting to seem too keen but also enough to let them know youre interested.
We're all so sensitive! "Everyone deserves a second chance rubi and you forgave him and gave him that chance and what he did with it was his own choice and his fault! You were just being the person we all know kind, sweet and wonderful! Mwah | |||
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" Yeah I think that's where the "it takes two" comes from. I probably in some way knew what I was getting into but did it anyway. Do you think you've gone the other way though? Are you more guarded to the point you might not allow something good in? Definitely! I was single for a long time after we split - 10yrs before I let another man near me. I built walls, shut myself off, totally closed down my emotions. I'm still very guarded, I've walked away from people as soon as I've felt myself getting attached, the thought of letting my emotions take over, honestly scares me, the risk of getting hurt again, not something I want to ever experience. I hope you meet someone who makes you forget to put the barriers up x" Thanks lovey - Never say never  | |||
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"Interesting thought. Did you ask him to clarify? I think my last fwb relationship was self fulfilling prophecy, he was always the one to message first,I never bothered because surely he'd be too busy, or I didn't think I was worthy of his attention. Upshot. He'd get upset at me for not messaging
Later conversation transpired that he did indeed like me, felt insecure in himself and got frustrated at never getting my attention... said he felt used.
Damn. What a shocker.
No I was too frustrated by the conversation to ask.
He basically treated me in an unfair way, we worked through it and then the same situation arose again and he behaved in the same way. So by forgiving him the first time had I allowed to it happen again?
That's a shame about your FWB. I guess its hard to find the balance, not wanting to seem too keen but also enough to let them know youre interested.
We're all so sensitive!
Everyone deserves a second chance rubi and you forgave him and gave him that chance and what he did with it was his own choice and his fault! You were just being the person we all know kind, sweet and wonderful! Mwah "Aawww thank you x | |||
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"Interesting thought. Did you ask him to clarify? I think my last fwb relationship was self fulfilling prophecy, he was always the one to message first,I never bothered because surely he'd be too busy, or I didn't think I was worthy of his attention. Upshot. He'd get upset at me for not messaging
Later conversation transpired that he did indeed like me, felt insecure in himself and got frustrated at never getting my attention... said he felt used.
Damn. What a shocker.
No I was too frustrated by the conversation to ask.
He basically treated me in an unfair way, we worked through it and then the same situation arose again and he behaved in the same way. So by forgiving him the first time had I allowed to it happen again?
That's a shame about your FWB. I guess its hard to find the balance, not wanting to seem too keen but also enough to let them know youre interested.
We're all so sensitive!
Everyone deserves a second chance rubi and you forgave him and gave him that chance and what he did with it was his own choice and his fault! You were just being the person we all know kind, sweet and wonderful! Mwah
Aawww thank you x"Just honest x | |||
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"I was having a chat with someone who had treated me quite badly and had hurt my feelings. We're over it now and I was basically telling him to be careful not to do the same thing to someone else. His response "it takes two" made me think. His behaviour was unkind but had i somehow facilitated it by allowing him to treat me that way? Do you do this too? Do you let people treat you bad and does that make you part of the problem? Or are you more closed off? Do you shut them down at the first sign of any hassle? " 
I do hope you’re okay beaut x | |||
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"I was having a chat with someone who had treated me quite badly and had hurt my feelings. We're over it now and I was basically telling him to be careful not to do the same thing to someone else. His response "it takes two" made me think. His behaviour was unkind but had i somehow facilitated it by allowing him to treat me that way? Do you do this too? Do you let people treat you bad and does that make you part of the problem? Or are you more closed off? Do you shut them down at the first sign of any hassle?
I do hope you’re okay beaut x"I'm good  | |||
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"Someone kindly contacted me after I posted a few weeks ago about an experience I went through with someone on here. She identified it as abusive and referred me to the freedom project and some of you may be interested in it too "Thank you x | |||
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