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Two budgies on a perch.............

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

One says "can you smell fish"

Any other crap jokes to make the day less crap.

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By *atcherwankerMan
over a year ago

Birmingham

Did you hear about the award winning scarecrow?

He was out standing in his field...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man walks into a bar.

And has to take some paracetamol.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I've just seen a busker playing Dancing Queen on a didgeridoo.

I thought that's abbariginal.

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By *UNKIEMan
over a year ago

south east

What do you call a monkey in minefield. ....a Baboooom

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

chinese couple had there baby early

called it sudden lee

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two nuns in the bath. One says 'where's the soap?'.

The other replies,'Yes, it does doesn't it'.

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By *uzzy NavelWoman
over a year ago

so near and yet so far....

Chuckling at all these..,,

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By *atcherwankerMan
over a year ago

Birmingham

Just drove past a homeless dude singing "Take a look at my girlfriend, she's the only one I've got..."

"That's Supertramp!" I shouted.

He smiled and waved and shouted back; "Glad you like it, motorist!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A friend wants to give up being a postman to go on stage as a comedian.

The problem is, his delivery is awful.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just a quick apology to those Take That fans I offended earlier.

Whatever I said, whatever I did

I didn't mean it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"A friend wants to give up being a postman to go on stage as a comedian.

The problem is, his delivery is awful."

He's lucky he doesn't get the sack

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And finally ...

Payslips are like willies.

Although you don’t go around comparing yours to other peoples, you always hope it’s a little bigger.

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By *ackDMissMorganCouple
over a year ago

Halifax

What did the cheese say when he looked in the mirror?.Halloumi;)

Miss

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A friend wants to give up being a postman to go on stage as a comedian.

The problem is, his delivery is awful.

He's lucky he doesn't get the sack "

He'd sooner walk the streets than be a postman

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, a bit later on I crossed the road. Then I walked into a bar..

My life is a joke

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By *eonlylive1seCouple
over a year ago

Atherstone

The Austrian yodelling championships began with the contestants forming an oderlyorderlyoderlyorderly Queue hoo

I’ll get me. coat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two nuns riding there push bikes down a cobbled street, one turns to the other and says I've never come this way before, the other reply's no? Fun isn't it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Despite getting A-level results of A, B, B, A it seems that no employer will take a chance on me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do we want?"

"Hearing aids"

"When do we want them?"

"HEARING AIDS!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you do if you find a trumpet growing in your garden?

You rootitoot

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some funny ones but can someone please explain this one to me i really cant work it out!!! Maybe having a blonde moment?


"Two nuns in the bath. One says 'where's the soap?'.

The other replies,'Yes, it does doesn't it'."

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By *vbride1963TV/TS
over a year ago

E.K . Glasgow


"

Some funny ones but can someone please explain this one to me i really cant work it out!!! Maybe having a blonde moment?

Two nuns in the bath. One says 'where's the soap?'.

The other replies,'Yes, it does doesn't it'. "

Rubbing soap on a certain body part would wear the soap down if repeated fast .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

Some funny ones but can someone please explain this one to me i really cant work it out!!! Maybe having a blonde moment?

Two nuns in the bath. One says 'where's the soap?'.

The other replies,'Yes, it does doesn't it'.

Rubbing soap on a certain body part would wear the soap down if repeated fast . "

Hahaha I get it now!! Thanks!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

Some funny ones but can someone please explain this one to me i really cant work it out!!! Maybe having a blonde moment?

Two nuns in the bath. One says 'where's the soap?'.

The other replies,'Yes, it does doesn't it'. "

Wears the soap..... geddit?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Play on words, where's the soap and wears (down) the soap.

Nice status update, I hope it was nice.

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By *atcherwankerMan
over a year ago

Birmingham


"

Some funny ones but can someone please explain this one to me i really cant work it out!!! Maybe having a blonde moment?

Two nuns in the bath. One says 'where's the soap?'.

The other replies,'Yes, it does doesn't it'. "

Where's/wears. As in, wears down. Wears out. Wear and tear.

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By *atcherwankerMan
over a year ago

Birmingham

Too slow, disregard me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Aww thanks everyone for explaining it to me, I’m clearly farrr too innocent

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By *laytimenowMan
over a year ago

Essex

[Removed by poster at 15/11/17 15:29:12]

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By *laytimenowMan
over a year ago

Essex

FISHING BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

Knock nock

Who's there ?

Oberon

Oberon who ?

Oberon the other bank you"ll catch

Loads more fish

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By *x2 4 funCouple
over a year ago

Southampton

what do we want

a cure for tourette's

when do we want it

cunt

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did you hear about the award winning scarecrow?

He was out standing in his field...

"

Hahahaaaa

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woman is walking through the woods, she comes across a clearing and sitting on a log with his head in his hands is a small elf like creature. She approaches him as asks him if he's a Goblin. No he replies I've got a headache actually..

Boom boom...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"what do we want

a cure for tourette's

when do we want it

cunt"

Love it, Google mute tourettes syndrome.

It is not dismissing what must be a difficult condition to live with, but it is funny.

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By *atcherwankerMan
over a year ago

Birmingham


"Did you hear about the award winning scarecrow?

He was out standing in his field...

Hahahaaaa "

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, thank you. I'm here all week. Try the fish.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he?'

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this fucking thing"?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Two eggs in a frying pan.

One says, " it's hot in here"

The other says "fucking hell, a talking egg."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My girlfriend accused me of being a transvestite ... I was so angry I packed her things and left!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two cannibals eating a clown, one turns to the other and says, 'does this taste funny to you?'. One of my faves.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two cows stood in a field, one says 'Moo' the other turns to him and says 'you wanker, I was going to say that'.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i was driving in my car when some guy stopped me, he said "can you give me a lift"

i said "sure, you look great and the world is your oyster"

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

Casper walks into a bar and says "A double vodka please landlord"

The landlord replies "Sorry, we don't serve spirits in here"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

First old lady "windy isn't it"

Second old lady "no Thursday"

Third old lady "so am I let's go for a cup of tea"

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By *adyLucknGamblersCouple
over a year ago

Harwich / Colchester


"And finally ...

Payslips are like willies.

Although you don’t go around comparing yours to other peoples, you always hope it’s a little bigger.

"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

CNN Headline

“Johnson to leave 'no stone un turned' in case of British woman jailed in Iran”

Great, now the fucker's helping them to stone her to death.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Irish zookeeping apperentice has his first day on the job, the head zookeeper tells him his first job is to sweep the walkways of the aquarium area, so he picks up his broom had heads down there, two minutes of sweeping, BOOM! the back of the broom handle has smashed the main fish tank, all the water has drained out and the fish are flapping around on the floor, 'oh jaysus I dornt wanna be losin me job on de foirst dey' he thinks to himself and starts stamping on all the fish and scoops them up with his shovel, and walks to the lion enclosure and chucks the dead fish over the wall.

An hour passes and the head zookeeper appears, 'roite I want ye to go to the monkey enclosure, and sweep around dere, Der monkeys have been flingin dere poop at de visitors again' so off he goes... He starts sweeping, BOOM! The end of his broom has hit a chimp straight in the temple and killed him outright, 'I'll do de same ting as oi did before' off he trots with a the dead chimp over his shoulder to the lion enclosure...and over it goes.

An hour later the head zookeeper appears.. 'roite, I want ye to sweep around de beehives'.... Off he goes sweep sweep, (you've guessed it!) BOOM! over the beehive goes, bees everywhere all over the floor, buzzing about, so he stamps on all the bees on the floor, scoops them up with his shovel, (he's thinking at this point he's got away with twice before, he'll just do it again....great!) Over to the lion enclosure, OVER they go.

The next day, a new lion has been acquired from Colchester zoo, he's let into the enclosure, and he walks over to the resident Irish lion and says 'Alright mate, what's the grub here like?.. the Irish lion replies 'well de food here usually here is shiote, but yesturday oi had fekkin Fish, Chimp, and mushy bees!'

No offense to any Irish zookeepers or lions from Essex.

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