FabSwingers.com forum: Make me laugh

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

The hazards of single life are flashing. Someone make me laugh. Could do with a belly laugh moment.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats Whitney Houston's favourite kind of co-ordination?

Haaaanndd eeeeyyyyyeeeeeeeee.

You're welcome.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony (toe-knee)

Honeys gonna kill me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do giraffes have long necks

Because they have smelly feet

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Ah ta guys. Giraffe is winning so far. Not getting the whitney one but I am in a dull mood.

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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago

This is absolutely the only joke I know ... apologies in advance ...

What’s green and smells of pork?

Kermits finger

Sorry

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Awful

But I still laughed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s brown and flies through walls?

Caspar the Friendly Plate of Mince.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

There's some real cheese going on here. But funny.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had a dream last night that the Grim Reaper and I were chopping vegetables together for a stew.

When I woke I thought, "That was dicing with death..."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

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By *andelgriffinMan
over a year ago

Leics

Still on the muppets ... Q: What do you get when you have a little green ball held firmly in one hand, and another little green ball in the other? A: Kermit's undivided attention

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fshhhhh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s long and hard and begins with a “p”

Constipation

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What’s long and hard and begins with a “p”

Constipation "

????

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I asked a blind man how he lost his sight.

He said it was a motorboating accident.

So I asked him what happened.

He said 'she had piercings in both nipples'

I'll get my coat.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"What’s long and hard and begins with a “p”

Constipation

????"

You normally have a wee before you take a shit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well if you’re sitting on the toilet and can’t actually go, you’re usually sitting there struggling and it’ll usually all start with a pee

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've decided to sell my Hoover.

It was just gathering Dust.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Whats Whitney Houston's favourite kind of co-ordination?

Haaaanndd eeeeyyyyyeeeeeeeee.

You're welcome."

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By *lmostthereMan
over a year ago

Southampton

What's the most common owl in the British Isles?

The tea towel.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had a dream last night that I wrote Lord of the Rings.

I was Tolkien in my sleep.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I had a dream last night that the Grim Reaper and I were chopping vegetables together for a stew.

When I woke I thought, "That was dicing with death...""

I'm remembering this for the office tomorrow

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?

BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAAAA

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

They’ve just uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in chocolate and nuts.

They believe it to be the remnants of Pharoah Rocher.

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By *lmostthereMan
over a year ago

Southampton

Heard the one about the diabetic magician?

Always has a couple of Twix up his sleeve.

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By *hatYorkLadMan
over a year ago

York

Bloke goes to the doctors, walks in and says "I want you to have a look at my knob"

Doctor, a bit taken aback says "errrm ok I suppose we'd better have a look then"

So the bloke undoes his trousers, takes out this massive great Hampton and slaps it on the desk.

Doctor says "well sir, I can't see much wrong with that.."

Bloke replies "I know, but isn't it a beauty!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Heard the one about the diabetic magician?

Always has a couple of Twix up his sleeve. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I tried to get in my suitcase last night. I could barely contain myself.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Ah. You've all cheered my miserable head up.

Fab hugs for all x x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Uncle Ben had died.

Ah well. No more Mr Rice guy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

8 cows standing in a field, which one is on holiday?

The one with the wee calf.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a fly with no wings......

A walk.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’

I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'

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By *appyhumper123Man
over a year ago

hull

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says,

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

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By *appyhumper123Man
over a year ago

hull

a man on a long haul flight noticed the beautiful young woman sitting next to him reading a book titled "strange but true sexual facts"

"interesting" he asks

"yes" she replies "for instance did you know that the American Red Indian has the longest penis in the world and a scotsman has the thickest" !

"oh i,m sorry" she says "my names Helen & yours is"?

"Tonto McTavish luv"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

a man on a long haul flight noticed the beautiful young woman sitting next to him reading a book titled "strange but true sexual facts"

"interesting" he asks

"yes" she replies "for instance did you know that the American Red Indian has the longest penis in the world and a scotsman has the thickest" !

"oh i,m sorry" she says "my names Helen & yours is"?

"Tonto McTavish luv""

Oh my days x so funny.

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By *hatYorkLadMan
over a year ago

York

Bloke goes to the opticians and says "I can't see very far"

Optician says "Come outside with me", so they go outside into the street and the optician says "look up there, what can you see?"

Bloke says "Well, I can see the sun"

Optician says "Well how far do you want to fucking see?!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s brown a sticky?

A stick

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By *appyhumper123Man
over a year ago

hull

the latest club act is to fill a womans vagina with vodka then suck it out with a straw

health experts are now warning about the dangers of "minge drinking"

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By *alandNitaCouple
over a year ago

Scunthorpe

Ok then....

If my wife can't get pregnant, does that mean that she's impregnable .... or just inconceivable?

Cal

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By *elvet RopeMan
over a year ago

by the big field

"Why do giraffes have long necks

Because they have smelly feet

But do you know why African elephants have Big Ears?

Because Noddy won't pay the ransom

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By *aGaGagging for itCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

What's E.T. short for?

Cos he's got little legs!

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By *lmostthereMan
over a year ago

Southampton

Captain Bluebeard goes to see the Dr with moles on his back.

Dr: I have excellent news Captain. They're benign.

Captain Bluebeard: Arrr count'em again. I'm sure there be 10!

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By *aGaGagging for itCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

Why is Toblerone triangular?

So it fits in the box!.

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By *appyhumper123Man
over a year ago

hull

Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that

is about to crash. The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them" The lawyer says "fook the Boy Scouts!"

The priest says, "Do we have time?"

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By * and M lookingCouple
over a year ago

Worcester

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

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By *appyhumper123Man
over a year ago

hull

a fella goes for a haircut and ask if theres anything that can stop him from going bald

barber says i,ll let you into a trade secret smear your head wa pussyjuice

the fella says your totaly bald yourself

barber replys yes but i,ve got one belter of a moustache though

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By *ure_heatMan
over a year ago

Solihull

Knock Knock

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had to go to the doctor after starting a new fad diet.

Any time I felt peckish I would nibble on a dog biscuit. It went ok at first, losing about a kg a week with no effort.

Where it all went wrong was I put my own back out trying to lick my balls...

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By * and M lookingCouple
over a year ago

Worcester

A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man. She then heard her husband coming..

She told her lover to stay like a robot and not to move.

Husband: What is this?

Wife: This is a robot I bought to have sex with when you are traveling...

Husband: Okay.. Lets have sex now...

Wife: No sweetheart.. Yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you..

After she left the husband said: Damn I am so horny, I will f*ck this robot...

He tried f*cking. The man started talking in a metallic robotic way..

"System error

Wrong hole

System error

Wrong hole.."

Husband: Damn robot is not working properly.. I am throwing it out of the window..

The lover realized that he was on the 20th floor he said:

"SOFTWARE UPDATED"

"PLEASE TRY AGAIN"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've got my wife a Wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler.

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

"If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then soviet."

That took me ages but

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about that guy that got done for stealing advent calendars? He got 24 days.

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By * and M lookingCouple
over a year ago

Worcester

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"

The old man says "I'll have the soup."

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By * and M lookingCouple
over a year ago

Worcester

Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?

A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There’s a band called 1023mb

They haven’t had a gig yet

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By *aGaGagging for itCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

Hearing that his son had been sacked from his first ever Saturday job at the fish and chip shop, the incensed father demanded an explanation from the manager. 'I had to sack him. He was found in the prep area with his pants down and a potato peeler up his ass!' 'What!' said the father 'show me the potato peeler.' Sorry, can't do' said the manager 'I had to sack him too!'

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By *appyhumper123Man
over a year ago

hull

bloke shaggin his wife says to her bend over and we,ll try the social security position

what the hells that his wife says

he replies when my balls touch ur arse ur getting full benefit

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By *appyhumper123Man
over a year ago

hull

Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?

A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?

A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...

A.) "Is it in?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you drain your carrots with at Christmas? An advent colander

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Whats Whitney Houston's favourite kind of co-ordination?

Haaaanndd eeeeyyyyyeeeeeeeee.

You're welcome."

This made me laugh way more than it should

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By *ure_heatMan
over a year ago

Solihull

"Knock Knock"

Who's there...?

Smellip

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By * and M lookingCouple
over a year ago

Worcester

Q: What's worse than spiders on your piano?

A: Crabs on your organ.

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By *appyhumper123Man
over a year ago

hull

Types of People You Might Meet in the Men's Room

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.

WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I purchased a second hand car the other week. It used to be owned by Bonnie Tyler.

It's okay but every now and then it falls apart.

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By *appyhumper123Man
over a year ago

hull

ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.

PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.

LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.

DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.

RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

1st Guy walks into pub and asks to use landlord's toilet as hes taking special salts.

Landlord goes to toilet and there's shit everywhere. He catches upto the guy in the street and adks what salts he's taking.

Guy replies 'summersalts'

Know how you feel op, is a bastard when you face things alone. Im there too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

These are brilliant.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"1st Guy walks into pub and asks to use landlord's toilet as hes taking special salts.

Landlord goes to toilet and there's shit everywhere. He catches upto the guy in the street and adks what salts he's taking.

Guy replies 'summersalts'

Know how you feel op, is a bastard when you face things alone. Im there too

Aw. Special hugs n a virtual kiss.

Tinterweb has killed romance and effort. And phones.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn £400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you are going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on £800 a year!!!"

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By *appyhumper123Man
over a year ago

hull

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.

She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a

Wine Gum.

He asked her name, 'Polo I'm the one with the hole' she said.

'I'm the one with the nuts' he thought!

Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked into a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom.

Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her

Cream Egg.

He fondled her Flap Jacks then showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Mrs Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a

trip down Bournville Boulevard via her party ring.

He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.

It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish delight.

When he pulled out, his king size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchy.

She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink

Wafers looked very appetizing.

He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving

her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD.

It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who apparently had

Allsorts

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mum used to say: your never going to be able to build a car out of that spaghetti'.

Should of seen her face when I drove pasta!.

Tried to catch fog the other day..... mist

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By *appyhumper123Man
over a year ago

hull

I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is.

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.

"You're a steadfast lad,Tommy Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you "

now!"

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you get?"

"Three months vacation and five good leads

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I could drop my trousers

That always seems to raise a chuckle

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wot is it with Hedghogs, why don't they just share the hedge

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By *ifty grades of shadyCouple
over a year ago

Carisbrooke, Isle of Wight

What do you call a Smartie with a stiffy?

A drawing pin

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By *SAchickWoman
over a year ago

Hillside desolate

I took the shell off my racing snail to make him faster, but it only made him more sluggish

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By *s_macWoman
over a year ago

Traffic land

"If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then soviet."

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By *lmostthereMan
over a year ago

Southampton

"I took the shell off my racing snail to make him faster, but it only made him more sluggish "

I like this.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Whats Whitney Houston's favourite kind of co-ordination?

Haaaanndd eeeeyyyyyeeeeeeeee.

You're welcome.

This made me laugh way more than it should

I've just got it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

" I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is.

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.

"You're a steadfast lad,Tommy Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you "

now!"

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you get?"

"Three months vacation and five good leads"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's E.T. short for?

Cos he's got little legs! "

Hahahaaaaaa

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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge

I've only got a step ladder, I never knew my real ladder

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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge

What's the difference between a zippo and a hippo?

Ones a great big heavy thing, the other is a little lighter.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I've only got a step ladder, I never knew my real ladder

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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge

What do you call a Serbian prostitute?

Sloberdownmecockyoubitch!

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By * and M lookingCouple
over a year ago

Worcester

"What do you call a Serbian prostitute?

Sloberdownmecockyoubitch!"

Brilliant

Russian Wrestler

Ujaknicka Bollockov

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

Have you ever tried a tarka curry?

It's like a Korma but a little otter

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By *osweet69Couple
over a year ago

portsmouth

"After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts.""

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By *obwithkiltMan
over a year ago

Belton

palientologists have recently discovered a dinosaur that was adept at cunnilungis...commonly known as the Licksalotofpuss

thankyouveeymuchiwillbehereallweek

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn £400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

Oh my days. I laughed so much at this x

Oh my days I laughed so much at this x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had a fight with an Agraphobic skinhead yesterday, he said “oi you inside”

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