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he said..she said

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

I said to him: That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said to me.... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him ......Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said to me....... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him...They don't have time.

He said to me...How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him ...I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me...Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?

I said to him....They already have boyfriends.

He said to me...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

I said to him...A widow.

He said to me...Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him....Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Colin the Aborigine

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin...

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said “No.”

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,

'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop..

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.

Look what it has done to me Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud.

I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man So, just to be fair,

I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and- BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this story? ...

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS –

Age, Skill, Wisdom, and a little Treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Black Sex

A lady goes on vacation to the Caribbean. Upon arriving, she meets a black

man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, 'What is

your name?'

'I can't tell you' the black man says. Every night they meet and every

night

she asks, what is your name and he always responds the

same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again, 'Can you

please tell me your name?'

'I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me.' says the black

man.

'There is no reason for me to laugh at you,' the lady says.

'Fine, my name is Snow!' the black man replies and the lady bursts into

laughter.

The black man gets mad and says, 'I knew you would make fun of it'.

The lady replied, 'I'm not making fun of you. I'm thinking of my husband

who won't

believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the

Caribbean!'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Worra Wabbit!!...............

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,

'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub,

(because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the

Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says,

'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

...NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties.

You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED' ,said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause. The rabbit said...

'Mixin-me-toasties.'

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By *he Happy ManMan
over a year ago

Merseyside

[Removed by poster at 11/08/09 00:22:37]

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By *he Happy ManMan
over a year ago

Merseyside

She says when you die you will meet satan and burn in hell. Arent you scared?

He says Why? I have been married to his sister for years.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her

on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found

shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my

wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear

Mrs.Hudson

Over

the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.We

cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the

store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. J.Hudson are listed below and are

documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't

looking.

2. July 2:

Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:

He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19:

Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get

on it right away?. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and

receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union

grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4:

Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.

6. August 14:

Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:

Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite

them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to

which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23:

When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't

you people just leave me alone?' Police were called.

9. September 4:

Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked

his nose.

10. September 10:

While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk

where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:

Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission

Impossible' theme.

12. October 6:

In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of

funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,

yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21:

When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and

screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23:

Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,

'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.

One of the clerks passed out.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Laughed my ass off at that, ain't it tempting hehehe

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

i have no time for my hotmail account at the moment and all the funnies had built up. so i thought i would share a few with you all

xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

oh my god... laugh?.... I'll never get these pants dry! that is like a shopping trip with my last man !!

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By *andKCouple
over a year ago

Norfolk

personnaly I don't see anything wrong with any of that

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child?

Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?

Why didn ' t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru? '

The girl, crying, replied, ' Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute... '

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You ' re a disgrace to this Catholic family. '

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex.. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that ' s parked outside plus a membership to the country club...(ta kes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera. '

'Now what was it ye said ye had become? ' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, ' Sniff, sniff.....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff. '

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.

Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

Worse ... you’re now singing it to yourself!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

RODEO SEX

Two Scousers were out drinkin' and talking about their favorite sex positions.

One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'

'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other Scouser 'What is it?'

'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.

Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper

in her ear: 'By Jesus, these feel just like your sister's.'

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.'

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

ah sorry about the overload of jokes am still going through my hotmail account and have another 200 to sort through

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"ah sorry about the overload of jokes am still going through my hotmail account and have another 200 to sort through"

they are great = loved the protestant one - ok an old one

how do you tell if kitty's not wearing any undies

dandruff on her shoes

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