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Why does it hurt.....

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

This is FAB right?

Consensual grown ups having casual no strings sexual fun with each other in groups, couples and gangs......

...so why is it when you meet someone on a one 2 one basis does hurt so much when you find out that you weren’t “exclusive” as you believed and that you’ve been lied to and even used and now your made to feel it was you that did something hurtful....is really hurt you feel or is it a hurt pride at the fact you were stupid enough to beleive the stories, made to care for someone that played you....is it sadness as the bond you thought you’d made is suddenly broken and you feel a little lost because the person made you feel you were really liked, wanted and special to them....or is it anger....that someone did that to you and seemingly carries on, on this site seemingly without a care......

It’s only fab right? It’s just casual yeah? Move on yeah......why do we let things hurt us?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We cant help how we feel.

Hugs x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Probably all of the above Op.

see it in a more positive light-these feelings show you’re not a robot! Which is good

Try and put it behind you and move on.

Bear in mind that as this is a swingers site people are usually going to be non-exclusive to an extent so may be safer to assume that for the first few meets!

Saves feeling like that again

Sorry you’re feeling crap though, it’ll get better

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This is FAB right?

Consensual grown ups having casual no strings sexual fun with each other in groups, couples and gangs......

I know exactly where your coming from a

...so why is it when you meet someone on a one 2 one basis does hurt so much when you find out that you weren’t “exclusive” as you believed and that you’ve been lied to and even used and now your made to feel it was you that did something hurtful....is really hurt you feel or is it a hurt pride at the fact you were stupid enough to beleive the stories, made to care for someone that played you....is it sadness as the bond you thought you’d made is suddenly broken and you feel a little lost because the person made you feel you were really liked, wanted and special to them....or is it anger....that someone did that to you and seemingly carries on, on this site seemingly without a care......

It’s only fab right? It’s just casual yeah? Move on yeah......why do we let things hurt us?

"

Well I know exactly how you feel and it's seriously made me think about why it's maybe best to just have casual sex because meeting the same person time and again feelings to get involved and it dos hurt when you realise it was all just lies from day one

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By *arnsleycouple7683Couple
over a year ago

Barnsley

Don't get attached. Never get attached.

Put an emotional wall up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We are human, we get feelings, I came on the site for some fun and met my soul mate so I'm lucky. You can't help who you fall for. Hopefully you'll meet someone at the club you're going to who will cheer you up.

hugs x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"We cant help how we feel.

Hugs x"

She's right, feeling are uncontrollable, the best we can do is control how we react to them.

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

If you'd agreed exclusivity between you and it worked both ways then it's effectively bordering on a relationship rather than a traditional swinging thing - so it's not surprising when you find out that exclusivity has been broken, as it's effectively a breach of trust and a betrayal in the same way it was in a relationship, even if it was NSA.

Sorry to hear it OP and hope the wounds heal soon.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

The style of relationship and the people picked are personal elements, as are the vulnerabilities that we each bring.

At any point in our life we may also develop stronger connections with an individual, compatibility seemingly works etc.

It's therefore wise to really know yourself and to only attach without fuller emotional elements. If you sense you are vulnerable then manage the potential risk - take ownership of the situation rather than focusing on a person who may have played a part in the drama.

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By *isaB45Woman
over a year ago

Fabville

Because we are human.

Hugs x

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"This is FAB right?

Consensual grown ups having casual no strings sexual fun with each other in groups, couples and gangs......

...so why is it when you meet someone on a one 2 one basis does hurt so much when you find out that you weren’t “exclusive” as you believed and that you’ve been lied to and even used and now your made to feel it was you that did something hurtful....is really hurt you feel or is it a hurt pride at the fact you were stupid enough to beleive the stories, made to care for someone that played you....is it sadness as the bond you thought you’d made is suddenly broken and you feel a little lost because the person made you feel you were really liked, wanted and special to them....or is it anger....that someone did that to you and seemingly carries on, on this site seemingly without a care......

"

It is all of those things - and you are the normal one to feel them, you have been deceived, betrayed and violated, they have done you actual harm. I don't know how people can either - I just know the Internet is full of such people.

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By *ampant Lion34Man
over a year ago

East Midlands

I know how it feels also it rips you up inside. I met my partner on here 7 years ago and we are soul mates. But over course of last few months we have split. She has a friend as she calls him who talks to to help her through. But when I questioned it they became friends while we was still together. She told was just talking and couldn't be with another man or lay in the same bed as ours with one. Found on he stayed over Sunday and they had a late night. Now she says when I ask if together no still friends but possible could sleep together again. I know I'm a mugbut you can't help who your heart wants. I tell myself to move on and forget but it's hard. So I get how your feeling mate.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I know how it feels also it rips you up inside. I met my partner on here 7 years ago and we are soul mates. But over course of last few months we have split. She has a friend as she calls him who talks to to help her through. But when I questioned it they became friends while we was still together. She told was just talking and couldn't be with another man or lay in the same bed as ours with one. Found on he stayed over Sunday and they had a late night. Now she says when I ask if together no still friends but possible could sleep together again. I know I'm a mugbut you can't help who your heart wants. I tell myself to move on and forget but it's hard. So I get how your feeling mate. "

Hugs xx

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By *ackDMissMorganCouple
over a year ago

Halifax

Sorry to hear it op, we are all only human and falling for people happens.

Sometimes they are not right for us or will hurt us.

Big hugs and hope you heal soon

Miss xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It hurts like a bitch!!

You are only human after all.

I now assume that no one I meet on here is being exclusive, regardless of what they say. I also won't be exclusive to them, that's not why I'm here after all.

Hope you get over your hurt soon. Hugs.

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By *ampant Lion34Man
over a year ago

East Midlands


"I know how it feels also it rips you up inside. I met my partner on here 7 years ago and we are soul mates. But over course of last few months we have split. She has a friend as she calls him who talks to to help her through. But when I questioned it they became friends while we was still together. She told was just talking and couldn't be with another man or lay in the same bed as ours with one. Found on he stayed over Sunday and they had a late night. Now she says when I ask if together no still friends but possible could sleep together again. I know I'm a mugbut you can't help who your heart wants. I tell myself to move on and forget but it's hard. So I get how your feeling mate.

Hugs xx"

Thanks xx

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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge

I think the crux of it comes down to expecting monogamy on a non-monogamy site.

The vast majoroty of people on here are happy for their partners to play, yet you say you felt crushed by it. If that's the case, then perhaps a non-monogamy site isn't the best place for you? I would never force non-monogamy on anyone, and don't look down on people who chose monogamy, but I think monogamy should be a choice, rather than a default option. At least now you know that its not and can chose rhe relationship that is right for you, and can find a partner looking for the same thing.

Good luck OP.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm understand well your feelings. You've put in to words the exact way I've felt.

Big hug xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think the crux of it comes down to expecting monogamy on a non-monogamy site.

The vast majoroty of people on here are happy for their partners to play, yet you say you felt crushed by it. If that's the case, then perhaps a non-monogamy site isn't the best place for you? I would never force non-monogamy on anyone, and don't look down on people who chose monogamy, but I think monogamy should be a choice, rather than a default option. At least now you know that its not and can chose rhe relationship that is right for you, and can find a partner looking for the same thing.

Good luck OP."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This is FAB right?

Consensual grown ups having casual no strings sexual fun with each other in groups, couples and gangs......

...so why is it when you meet someone on a one 2 one basis does hurt so much when you find out that you weren’t “exclusive” as you believed and that you’ve been lied to and even used and now your made to feel it was you that did something hurtful....is really hurt you feel or is it a hurt pride at the fact you were stupid enough to beleive the stories, made to care for someone that played you....is it sadness as the bond you thought you’d made is suddenly broken and you feel a little lost because the person made you feel you were really liked, wanted and special to them....or is it anger....that someone did that to you and seemingly carries on, on this site seemingly without a care......

It’s only fab right? It’s just casual yeah? Move on yeah......why do we let things hurt us?

Sex is possibly the closest,most intimate you can get with a person. It's a very cold person who can feel no emotion at all.

"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's a swinging site and we would never expect guys we meet to be exclusive to us and vice versa. If anyone started talking about being exclusive then we wouldn't meet them again as we aren't here for that.

One guy we met a few times said he wasn't meeting others since meeting us but we didn't believe him and we didn't want that anyway. He kept getting new verifications anyway so he clearly wasn't truthful lol.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just because a relationship wasn't exclusive doesn't necessarily mean that someone is not special. It's possible to have a few lovers/FWB and they all be special in their own way. But yes it does hurt when a relationship ends even if it's not a serous or exclusive relationship. There are nothing wrong with feelings - enjoy the experience while it lasts.

Mrs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Don't get attached. Never get attached.

Put an emotional wall up."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

121 sex is dangerous to the emotions. Humans are designed to feel for people they have sex with in intimate surroundings.

In my opinion the only true NSA sex is group and gangbang sex. Its purely physical, great fun, full of friendly banter and emotion free.

OP - I sympathise with you as i feel similarly about 121 meets but if you are a loving man and feel emotional about sex don't have casual 121 meets, you will be hurt.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The heart wants what the heart wants.

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By *oubyLoverWoman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

Sometimes we assume others care and want more with us, sometimes their behaviour says it and sometimes their words say it. And sometimes they're lying. It's shit. It hurts. If they lied do you really want a liar in your life? If they mislead you are they safe or truly loving to be around?

Sorry you feel so hurt OP. I've been there and all you can do is move on and try to learn from it. Good luck.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wonder if it would be better for you if you tried to have 2 or 3 FWBs? That way the emotions are divided so less intense. Sounds a bit strange, but that works for me in controlling emotion.

Mrs

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By * and M lookingCouple
over a year ago

Worcester

In our experience, lots say that they are looking for NSA.

In reality we have found that that isn't the case (especially with the guys).

Its a swingers site and it would pay for people to look up what the definition of that is.

A lot seem to think its "Instashag" a dating site with sex, its not!

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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago

All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest

It shows you're human, with feelings that can run deep when connecting with the "right" person.

The reasons for people being here aren't monogamous from the outset. Meet enough people however, and you may come across someone who can resonate with you in more ways than purely sexual. If the other person feels the same way, great. Sit down and discuss what you should both do moving forward.

If however, there's not reciprocity from the other half, then we have a problem. Despite what anyone says, it's nigh impossible to simply wall off your feelings. Good luck and all the best.

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By *olliPineCouple
over a year ago

swingers clubs


"This is FAB right?

Consensual grown ups having casual no strings sexual fun with each other in groups, couples and gangs......

...so why is it when you meet someone on a one 2 one basis does hurt so much when you find out that you weren’t “exclusive” as you believed and that you’ve been lied to and even used and now your made to feel it was you that did something hurtful....is really hurt you feel or is it a hurt pride at the fact you were stupid enough to beleive the stories, made to care for someone that played you....is it sadness as the bond you thought you’d made is suddenly broken and you feel a little lost because the person made you feel you were really liked, wanted and special to them....or is it anger....that someone did that to you and seemingly carries on, on this site seemingly without a care......

It’s only fab right? It’s just casual yeah? Move on yeah......why do we let things hurt us?

"

You got a case of the feels OP

This is a site for swingers, not daters. Other people may see this differently, but exclusivity is more a relationship. And even then - Our relationship isn't exactly exclusive.

It seems you thought you were in a relationship, maybe the person in question felt different?

Did you come off this site during your exclusivity, or did you keep your profile running? If you kept your profile, WHY?

Did you discuss exclusivity? even if you did, this person doesn't need to run everything past you, if they want to meet others, they can - you were not in a relationship - or at least not in there eyes you weren't.

If an opportunity comes along, they have every right to take it!

It sounds that NSA may not be for you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thank you for all your replies so far......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Don't get attached. Never get attached.

Put an emotional wall up."

Easier said than done sometimes.

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By *ELLONS AND CREAMWoman
over a year ago

stourbridge area

Everyone needs love and affection .... We all look for a soul mate ...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This is FAB right?

Consensual grown ups having casual no strings sexual fun with each other in groups, couples and gangs......

...so why is it when you meet someone on a one 2 one basis does hurt so much when you find out that you weren’t “exclusive” as you believed and that you’ve been lied to and even used and now your made to feel it was you that did something hurtful....is really hurt you feel or is it a hurt pride at the fact you were stupid enough to beleive the stories, made to care for someone that played you....is it sadness as the bond you thought you’d made is suddenly broken and you feel a little lost because the person made you feel you were really liked, wanted and special to them....or is it anger....that someone did that to you and seemingly carries on, on this site seemingly without a care......

It’s only fab right? It’s just casual yeah? Move on yeah......why do we let things hurt us?

"

hugs x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Everyone needs love and affection .... We all look for a soul mate ... "

even when we have been hurt and not looking but really we are

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This is FAB right?

Consensual grown ups having casual no strings sexual fun with each other in groups, couples and gangs......

...so why is it when you meet someone on a one 2 one basis does hurt so much when you find out that you weren’t “exclusive” as you believed and that you’ve been lied to and even used and now your made to feel it was you that did something hurtful....is really hurt you feel or is it a hurt pride at the fact you were stupid enough to beleive the stories, made to care for someone that played you....is it sadness as the bond you thought you’d made is suddenly broken and you feel a little lost because the person made you feel you were really liked, wanted and special to them....or is it anger....that someone did that to you and seemingly carries on, on this site seemingly without a care......

It’s only fab right? It’s just casual yeah? Move on yeah......why do we let things hurt us?

"

sometimes this site can suck, u meet someone u get on really well and u agree "exclusive" and one doesnt do it as the pull of the site brings youu back

its partly why i dont accommodate or go to peoples as i try to keep emotions to a minimum

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere


"This is FAB right?

Consensual grown ups having casual no strings sexual fun with each other in groups, couples and gangs......

...so why is it when you meet someone on a one 2 one basis does hurt so much when you find out that you weren’t “exclusive” as you believed and that you’ve been lied to and even used and now your made to feel it was you that did something hurtful....is really hurt you feel or is it a hurt pride at the fact you were stupid enough to beleive the stories, made to care for someone that played you....is it sadness as the bond you thought you’d made is suddenly broken and you feel a little lost because the person made you feel you were really liked, wanted and special to them....or is it anger....that someone did that to you and seemingly carries on, on this site seemingly without a care......

It’s only fab right? It’s just casual yeah? Move on yeah......why do we let things hurt us?

You got a case of the feels OP

This is a site for swingers, not daters. Other people may see this differently, but exclusivity is more a relationship. And even then - Our relationship isn't exactly exclusive.

It seems you thought you were in a relationship, maybe the person in question felt different?

Did you come off this site during your exclusivity, or did you keep your profile running? If you kept your profile, WHY?

Did you discuss exclusivity? even if you did, this person doesn't need to run everything past you, if they want to meet others, they can - you were not in a relationship - or at least not in there eyes you weren't.

If an opportunity comes along, they have every right to take it!

It sounds that NSA may not be for you."

Very sensible response

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think if you haven’t set the boundaries with someone you regularly sleep with, like that you want to sleep with them exclusively or if they want to be able to continue to swing, you’re going to get hurt.

I’m open and honest with those I’m regular with. Do I get twinges of jealousy? Sure. I don’t always want to share. But it soon dissipates when I’m contacted by other potentials and I remember that it’s not in our boundaries. It’s not what we do. If anyone I was with regularly started to have ‘feelings’ I would expect them to tell me so we could decide how to proceed with it. It sounds clinical as fuck but sometimes keeping those things there helps long term.

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"I think if you haven’t set the boundaries with someone you regularly sleep with, like that you want to sleep with them exclusively or if they want to be able to continue to swing, you’re going to get hurt.

I’m open and honest with those I’m regular with.

"

I think that's the point here - it was the deception that hurt him so badly. Deception destroys everything good.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I think if you haven’t set the boundaries with someone you regularly sleep with, like that you want to sleep with them exclusively or if they want to be able to continue to swing, you’re going to get hurt.

I’m open and honest with those I’m regular with.

I think that's the point here - it was the deception that hurt him so badly. Deception destroys everything good."

This exactly.....I wasn’t looking for feelings they happened by accident due to circumstance.....it was made out they were on both sides.....so yes it’s the deception that hurts....the feeling I’ve been mugged off....made to let my guard down....now I question everything that was said privately about personal lives.....

For those asking was my profile active it was but genuinely to speak to friends and I was told the same on her part when I asked.....I did ask about others and was told there wasn’t anyone else.......I found out by accident...popping round to say hi to find someone’s else’s car outside....not really knowing what to do I carried on by and asked later to be told it’s was a “supportive friend” when asked if it was sexual was told “I’ve slept with him this week”.....I can do casual and FwB but I’m a human and when you click you click or so I thought.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

because we are human and some people like to lead people on in the moment to get what they want - some are really good at this ---- have huge cuddles xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Big hugs op

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By *aughtyLittleMissWoman
over a year ago

Aberdeen

I know how you feel OP, been there, been hurt...

So now no relationships for me, just 2 or 3 FBs who I'm friends with but no emotional attachments. That way you can't get hurt, right?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Again thanks your all the advice and comments.

X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

take her off your christmas card list , that'll learn her ...................

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"take her off your christmas card list , that'll learn her ..................."

This is my extent of meanness.......however someone has pm’d saying no I should fake a false profile using any pics she sent and use her real name and location.....thought that a bit strong and slightly illegal not to mention beneath me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I know how you feel OP, been there, been hurt...

So now no relationships for me, just 2 or 3 FBs who I'm friends with but no emotional attachments. That way you can't get hurt, right?

"

Still happens to us all

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I know how you feel OP, been there, been hurt...

So now no relationships for me, just 2 or 3 FBs who I'm friends with but no emotional attachments. That way you can't get hurt, right?

Still happens to us all "

Seems to happen to an awful lot of people and different perceptions of what’s acceptable....maybe I should just put my feelings in a cage and become a machine and not think about others or show them weakness!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I know how you feel OP, been there, been hurt...

So now no relationships for me, just 2 or 3 FBs who I'm friends with but no emotional attachments. That way you can't get hurt, right?

Still happens to us all

Seems to happen to an awful lot of people and different perceptions of what’s acceptable....maybe I should just put my feelings in a cage and become a machine and not think about others or show them weakness! "

We are human, we all have feelings and emotions and we all occasionally end up the same as you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just be your self be a good honest person best way to be

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"I know how you feel OP, been there, been hurt...

So now no relationships for me, just 2 or 3 FBs who I'm friends with but no emotional attachments. That way you can't get hurt, right?

Still happens to us all

Seems to happen to an awful lot of people and different perceptions of what’s acceptable....maybe I should just put my feelings in a cage and become a machine and not think about others or show them weakness! "

But that is not living.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Maybe not but seems to be what’s gets people through

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By *ancs MinxWoman
over a year ago

Burnley


"I think if you haven’t set the boundaries with someone you regularly sleep with, like that you want to sleep with them exclusively or if they want to be able to continue to swing, you’re going to get hurt.

I’m open and honest with those I’m regular with. Do I get twinges of jealousy? Sure. I don’t always want to share. But it soon dissipates when I’m contacted by other potentials and I remember that it’s not in our boundaries. It’s not what we do. If anyone I was with regularly started to have ‘feelings’ I would expect them to tell me so we could decide how to proceed with it. It sounds clinical as fuck but sometimes keeping those things there helps long term. "

Well said

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"This is FAB right?

******UPDATE*******

Huge thank you to all who post lovely comments, were supportive and took the time just to read.

The situation is confusing and complicated and I’m hoping will work out in my favour (bit selfish I guess).

Thanks x

Consensual grown ups having casual no strings sexual fun with each other in groups, couples and gangs......

...so why is it when you meet someone on a one 2 one basis does hurt so much when you find out that you weren’t “exclusive” as you believed and that you’ve been lied to and even used and now your made to feel it was you that did something hurtful....is really hurt you feel or is it a hurt pride at the fact you were stupid enough to beleive the stories, made to care for someone that played you....is it sadness as the bond you thought you’d made is suddenly broken and you feel a little lost because the person made you feel you were really liked, wanted and special to them....or is it anger....that someone did that to you and seemingly carries on, on this site seemingly without a care......

It’s only fab right? It’s just casual yeah? Move on yeah......why do we let things hurt us?

"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Never ask for exclusivity. Never expect it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You and the rest of us are only human buddy

Hope your feeling better

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Op feel for you completely. You are human forgive yourself and learn from it. Others will treat you properly they will be loyal and won’t deceive you (that’s what I keep telling myself anyway!)

Don’t be a heartless machine because that can be hurtful too x

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By *itmanAndHerrCouple
over a year ago

st helens

This is obviously a hurdle for a lot of single people on here. Its something weve never ever experienced because we're a couple. It must be difficult meeting someone more than once and remaining neutral with your feelings. The closest weve ever got to anyone is to be friends.

Its human nature to have feelings. Especially if you are single and receptive. I suppose the only approach to take is to assume from tbe outset if you met on here then you are definitely not the only one.

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By *arnsleycouple7683Couple
over a year ago

Barnsley


"Don't get attached. Never get attached.

Put an emotional wall up.

Easier said than done sometimes."

Don't I know it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ive just had my fingers burnt having developed feeling...hurts like hell ...but I guess that's why we gotta keep our feelings in check, as that's what got us in this dilemma in the first place...first rule of fab..dont fall for anyone !!!

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham


"Don't get attached. Never get attached.

Put an emotional wall up.

Easier said than done sometimes.

Don't I know it"

i guess for couples this is a good practice but for singles receptive to the idea of finding someone to be a couple with then not so much.

being hurt sucks the big one....it really does but i for one will not change my outlook because of it. i may be more cautious perhaps but i believe that love will find me again and i intend to be receptive to it.

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By *ficouldMan
over a year ago

a quandary, could you change my mind?

[Removed by poster at 23/10/17 00:24:59]

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