À light hearted look at the DIY tools list:
BENCH DRILL :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bars
out of your hands so that they smack you in the chest and fling your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE BRUSH WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh*t!"
JIG SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make timber too short and sawing through
of your workbench..... frequently gets possessed by evil spirits.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major rebuilding jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VICE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shed on fire.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary saw mainly used to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the rubbish bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
CROWBAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50pence part.
PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make pipes (especially the last bit you have) too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the
object you are trying to hit.
STANLEY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard boxes delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
cheques, rubber or plastic parts and human flesh.
Especially useful for slicing work
clothes, but only while being worn.
B*****D TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "You B******D" at the top of your lungs.
It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need urgently.
|
