FabSwingers.com forum: Why do people "settle down"?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

It's recently dawned on me - probably because I've paid attention to it- that lots of people seem to follow that pattern of

- get engaged

- marriage

- children

- tread water until death

- get divorced and 'live' again

* slightly tongue in cheek

That's fine if it's what you really want but my point is they seem to follow a pre determined path rather than break the mould.

It's also accompanied by a standard resignation statement like

"Yeah, i was going to move to Australia and then, well you know, i got married"

??? You have the final say over your own life but lots seem not to choose it.

P.s. An older guy I know is very much of the above school. He's very conservative/ old fashioned and has never left the UK.

As I was waiting for a taxi to the airport and onto San Francisco he asked if I was 'courting' yet.

It was a clash of cultures- he was concerned that I was still single I was excited as a kid at Christmas...

I'm writing this as it's happening to most of my friends before my eyes and I know some are very unhappy but just continue down the path.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would say, fear of being alone, mostly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In answer to your question. I don't know. I suppose everyone's reasons are different. We can't read minds can we, we can only speculate.

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By *wo4FemCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

"It's recently dawned on me - probably because I've paid attention to it- that lots of people seem to follow that pattern of

- get engaged

- marriage

- children

- tread water until death

- get divorced and 'live' again

* slightly tongue in cheek

That's fine if it's what you really want but my point is they seem to follow a pre determined path rather than break the mould.

It's also accompanied by a standard resignation statement like

"Yeah, i was going to move to Australia and then, well you know, i got married"

??? You have the final say over your own life but lots seem not to choose it.

P.s. An older guy I know is very much of the above school. He's very conservative/ old fashioned and has never left the UK.

As I was waiting for a taxi to the airport and onto San Francisco he asked if I was 'courting' yet.

It was a clash of cultures- he was concerned that I was still single I was excited as a kid at Christmas...

I'm writing this as it's happening to most of my friends before my eyes and I know some are very unhappy but just continue down the path."

So your basically saying that if you met someone who you would want to spend the rest of your life with you would run away because you're scared of commitment.

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By *rrol.BMan
over a year ago

Wrexham

People don't settle so much as get tied down.

You meet a person, you get engaged, you get married, you decide to go away for a month to Peru. Shit, now you've got two jobs you need to organise time off with, good luck getting them to mesh. One of you have a dog? That needs housing. Balls, children. Who will look after them while you're away? Take them with you? Best let the school know they're missing a month.

And so on.

Eventually the hassle of organising anything out of the norm becomes so daunting that you just don't bother.

It can be done though. When VB and I both feel passionate about going somewhere and doing something then we shift mountains and move oceans to make it happen.

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By *imetoexplore69Couple
over a year ago

Aberdeen

"It's recently dawned on me - probably because I've paid attention to it- that lots of people seem to follow that pattern of

- get engaged

- marriage

- children

- tread water until death

- get divorced and 'live' again

* slightly tongue in cheek

That's fine if it's what you really want but my point is they seem to follow a pre determined path rather than break the mould.

It's also accompanied by a standard resignation statement like

"Yeah, i was going to move to Australia and then, well you know, i got married"

??? You have the final say over your own life but lots seem not to choose it.

P.s. An older guy I know is very much of the above school. He's very conservative/ old fashioned and has never left the UK.

As I was waiting for a taxi to the airport and onto San Francisco he asked if I was 'courting' yet.

It was a clash of cultures- he was concerned that I was still single I was excited as a kid at Christmas...

I'm writing this as it's happening to most of my friends before my eyes and I know some are very unhappy but just continue down the path."
if you are lucky enough to meet someone you genuinly want to spend the rest of the ride that is life with then naturally compromises need to be made so both are happy.there is olso the fear of being old and alone and have nobody to to look back at it all with and reminisce about the good and the bad.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A lot of people don't question the 'done' thing because somebody does it so do they. I detest conforming to what is the expected way of life. For many people getting married and having children is the way it should be, for us it's not and I feel lucky and happy that both myself and my partner feel the same way.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A lot of people don't question the 'done' thing because somebody does it so do they. I detest conforming to what is the expected way of life. For many people getting married and having children is the way it should be, for us it's not and I feel lucky and happy that both myself and my partner feel the same way. "

This is an option albeit the minority. My advice to my kids was do lots of fun, crazy shit before you get married/settle down to have a family. Alternatively, when the kids are grown and gone, do lots of fun, crazy shit until you die. If you get it right you'll do both..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sometimes its just natural progression. I've never felt I had to do any on that list, but have done a few. Priorities change and you make it work for you at the time. What I wanted at 20 isn't what I want now, but I'm not dissappointed. There's a milion things in this world you could do. If it's important enough you'll do it anyway

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There's a spectrum isn't there and we all fall within it somewhere. Some might follow what you wrote and others would think that was hell on earth.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lots of people don't follow that pattern.

I didn't get engaged and had a child before I was married. I would have been happy and contented if I had married the right man

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By *omOnHolidayMan
over a year ago

Spain and France

Couldn't agree more with you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Has a poll been taken on which is the modern minority?

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By *DontExistWoman
over a year ago

•+• Silicon valley. •+•

"People don't settle so much as get tied down.

And so on.

Eventually the hassle of organising anything out of the norm becomes so daunting that you just don't bother.

It can be done though. When VB and I both feel passionate about going somewhere and doing something then we shift mountains and move oceans to make it happen."

kind of this for me.

also companionship can be enough for some people so that they don't need anything more than that. having someone to share the monotony with, but have your own little jokes and special things, can make life a lot more bearable.

some people also like the simple life, this is me too. i'm not materialistic, don't like most humans coz they're shallow and boring to me (despite them having a fufiling life, i just find that uninteresting). and so partnering up with someone similar is fine.

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By *DontExistWoman
over a year ago

•+• Silicon valley. •+•

and if you're trying to make a case for swinging vs monogamy haha nope. i can think of loads of monotonous stuff that is more fun than fucking people.

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By *rightonCheekyMan
over a year ago

Brighton

I think it's a good post OP. For thousands of years since the first societal structures such as the ancient Egyptians we have been conditioned to conform and comply. Religion has also played its part in establishing rules and morals. The human population wouldn't get very far if anarchy was the norm instead of established society. As a side effect we have a natural tendency to be cogs in the machine and the wife, 2.4 children and Mondeo man are the stereotypes that modern society produces. There will always be (needs to be) people who break out from these moulds. The explorers, pioneers, thinkers etc. Or breaking out of the mould could be as simple as a conscious decision to say "fuck this shit" and do something different.

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By *rbean69Man
over a year ago

Stroud

I think most marriages and long-term relationships where children result evolve into "marriages of convenience". It is not what the people concerned really want, rather it just ends up that way. To separate and start again is expensive and traumatic. Two can live as cheaply as one-and-a-half, etc. And most people are afraid of being "alone" in old age.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Social conformity, insecurity, attempted access to more sex come to mind.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Stuff happens

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it would be a very sad state of affairs if people did all of those things purely because they felt they "should". I'm amicably divorced and have two, quite frankly, awesome children. Despite being divorced I don't regret getting married, because it was what I wanted to do at the time. I certainly didn't get married because I felt I should. And despite having a wide circle of friends and a job I genuinely love, my children are still the absolute best of my life and I feel lucky to have them. It's not all doom and gloom ya know!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've got old school friends that have m been married for20+ years to their first partner. They are incredibly happy and if it works for them good luck to them. I wouldn't criticise or judge anyone who's life choices hAve worked for them amd made them happy.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

P.s. An older guy I know is very much of the above school. He's very conservative/ old fashioned and has never left the UK.

As I was waiting for a taxi to the airport and onto San Francisco he asked if I was 'courting' yet.

It was a clash of cultures- he was concerned that I was still single I was excited as a kid at Christmas...

I'm writing this as it's happening to most of my friends before my eyes and I know some are very unhappy but just continue down the path."

That's not a clash of cultures, its a differing of opinions on the best way to live your life to achieve happiness.

He believes its by finding a relationship with a compatible partner you believe its by travel.

I think both of you have missed the possibility of having a partner and travelling.

If your friends are unhappy because of the circumstances they're in I don't think trips abroad will always be the answer. It's always been acceptable to see the traditional partner and kids as a burden rather than a pleasure but I think some people are burdened by their narrow thinking rather than their life circumstances.

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By *radleywigginsMan
over a year ago

northwest

Mainly a lack of imagination. But also socialisation (particularly of women) and a sense of inevitability. Which translates roughly to giving up.

The childhood me would have assumed something disastrous had happened if I never got married or had kids. But nobody explains how hard (and lucky) you have to be to make that work.

I certainly didn't realise the breadth of opportunity I'd have by not doing those things. Look at my profile...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Been happily married twice, first one we had kids, they are great glad they exist. Second and current marriage is great too though life means we live in different countries and only meet every couple of months.

Travelled most of the world often to the nice parts, sometimes not.

Think the OP has a screwed up view of life as much or more than anyone who feels marriage is an obligation.

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"and if you're trying to make a case for swinging vs monogamy haha nope. i can think of loads of monotonous stuff that is more fun than fucking people."

Haha, me too

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Been happily married twice, first one we had kids, they are great glad they exist. Second and current marriage is great too though life means we live in different countries and only meet every couple of months.

Travelled most of the world often to the nice parts, sometimes not.

Think the OP has a screwed up view of life as much or more than anyone who feels marriage is an obligation.

Thanks for the thought provoking replies- as to this post I certainly don't have a screwed up view of happiness just I question everything and it seems some accept the inevitability of what's expected as social norms as opposed to embracing their own path.

Hopefully it'll stimulate some more good posts

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By *unandbuckCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield

It's all up to you.

We got married, had kids etc and love that. But we travel the world on fun holidays to exotic places and do stuff that young single people wouldn't do. Plus on top of that we go swinging

People follow lots of routines that they don't need to. They can do that or take their own path.

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