FabSwingers.com forum: How to tell someone something without upsetting them

By *icky-disco OP Man
over a year ago

oxford

Hi all

my older sister is 4 years older than me she weighs 35 stone and is going to die if she doesn't lose weight , how do I brooch the subject without upsetting her?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can't but she probably realises it.

Tell her you're talking to her because you love her and value her and that you're trying to help for those reasons.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just say it and upset her. But people find it difficult to change and she can only change if she wants too, so don't feel guilt about anything

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By *unandbuckCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield

I think the time for not upsetting has passed. She needs to know clearly that she has to act.

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By *icky-disco OP Man
over a year ago

oxford

She also is type 1 diabetic

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By *icky-disco OP Man
over a year ago

oxford

I had a phone call from her husband telling me she's in hospital with a suspected heart attack

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By *ultry SuccubusTV/TS
over a year ago

London

She's your sister so I think you can be honest with her with all the tips given above.

She might get a bit upset but she will also know that you care.

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By *icky-disco OP Man
over a year ago

oxford

"I think the time for not upsetting has passed. She needs to know clearly that she has to act."

She has absolutely no quality of life that's what I can't get my head around

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi all

my older sister is 4 years older than me she weighs 35 stone and is going to die if she doesn't lose weight , how do I brooch the subject without upsetting her?"

She's probably aware of the problem, herself.

No easy way to do this, so just be blunt and honest.

If she has kids, then she's also got a responsibility to be around for their future.

Telling her to take more care of herself,

is fine, but would she listen? Most people with similar issues, fail to act until something serious happens, and then it's damage limitation.

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By *icky-disco OP Man
over a year ago

oxford

Everthing is a real effort getting up,walking just everything surely to get like that it's a mental thing isn't it?

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By *unandbuckCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield

"I think the time for not upsetting has passed. She needs to know clearly that she has to act.

She has absolutely no quality of life that's what I can't get my head around

She needs to be upset. I would tell her she is killing herself and unless she acts she is going to leave you all behind.

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By *icky-disco OP Man
over a year ago

oxford

"Hi all

my older sister is 4 years older than me she weighs 35 stone and is going to die if she doesn't lose weight , how do I brooch the subject without upsetting her?

She's probably aware of the problem, herself.

No easy way to do this, so just be blunt and honest.

If she has kids, then she's also got a responsibility to be around for their future.

Telling her to take more care of herself,

is fine, but would she listen? Most people with similar issues, fail to act until something serious happens, and then it's damage limitation. "
luckily her son is 21

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By *horltzMan
over a year ago

heysham

"I think the time for not upsetting has passed. She needs to know clearly that she has to act.

She has absolutely no quality of life that's what I can't get my head around

I would imagine the quacks will be telling her she needs to drastically change , so for now just show support , and maybe talk to her after she's back home

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By *ultry SuccubusTV/TS
over a year ago

London

"Everthing is a real effort getting up,walking just everything surely to get like that it's a mental thing isn't it?"

At 35 stone, it is physical as well.

Which create a vicious cycle.

Help her by all means.

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By *i1971Man
over a year ago

Cornwall

It could be that the suspected heart attack would be enough to shock her into doing something about it. Unfortunately, it has to be the individual who makes their mind up to change their lifestyle.

I wouldn't worry too much about saying anything that you think may upset or offend.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

im sorry to hear she's in hospital. Hopefully, this time, the reality will "bite" and she might take responsibility for her condition and change for the better, for herself, husband and her family.

I'd show her a mortuary slab drawer.

Cold, clinical and final. "That's where I'll be visiting to identify you, if you don't change"

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By *icky-disco OP Man
over a year ago

oxford

"It could be that the suspected heart attack would be enough to shock her into doing something about it. Unfortunately, it has to be the individual who makes their mind up to change their lifestyle.

I wouldn't worry too much about saying anything that you think may upset or offend."
I really hope so mate

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By *icky-disco OP Man
over a year ago

oxford

"im sorry to hear she's in hospital. Hopefully, this time, the reality will "bite" and she might take responsibility for her condition and change for the better, for herself, husband and her family.

I'd show her a mortuary slab drawer.

Cold, clinical and final. "That's where I'll be visiting to identify you, if you don't change""
blimey I wouldn't want to piss you off

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm sure the hospital staff will be telling her but there's things that people around her can do as well. Like how does her husband allow her to get like that as well? Everyone around her should be doing what they can to ensure she eats healthily. You don't get to 35 stone without eating a shit load of calories. 20 stone ago she should have been told. No need for a woman to weigh more than 15 stone.

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By *icky-disco OP Man
over a year ago

oxford

"I'm sure the hospital staff will be telling her but there's things that people around her can do as well. Like how does her husband allow her to get like that as well? Everyone around her should be doing what they can to ensure she eats healthily. You don't get to 35 stone without eating a shit load of calories. 20 stone ago she should have been told. No need for a woman to weigh more than 15 stone. "
I know she was always chubby even as a kid and obviously you don't see her eat much but behind closed doors she must be eating loads. As you can see I keep myself fit through mountain biking and going to the gym but as far as I know her and her husband just eat and sleep so are not burning calories.

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By *arciocialWoman
over a year ago

Leicester

If being in hospital isn't enough to scare her then I don't know what is. Maybe having a family member being honest with her will work, no point beating around the bush just be upfront.

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By *icky-disco OP Man
over a year ago

oxford

"If being in hospital isn't enough to scare her then I don't know what is. Maybe having a family member being honest with her will work, no point beating around the bush just be upfront."

thanks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's time to be blunt and honest,she may even thank you in the end

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If he's fat and not arsed about eating well either then that's going to be harder for her. She's got a husband so in her mind doesn't need to impress anyone, what's the son like is he fat aswell?

She needs intervention. Someone to actually prepare her meals and do the food shop with her and totally educate her about food and what to cook.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm sure the hospital staff will be telling her but there's things that people around her can do as well. Like how does her husband allow her to get like that as well? Everyone around her should be doing what they can to ensure she eats healthily. You don't get to 35 stone without eating a shit load of calories. 20 stone ago she should have been told. No need for a woman to weigh more than 15 stone. I know she was always chubby even as a kid and obviously you don't see her eat much but behind closed doors she must be eating loads. As you can see I keep myself fit through mountain biking and going to the gym but as far as I know her and her husband just eat and sleep so are not burning calories."

at 35 stone shes probbaly burning the same amount of calories a day as you just staying alive.

fat is living flesh after all and at those sizes actually becomes quite a big factor

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

"im sorry to hear she's in hospital. Hopefully, this time, the reality will "bite" and she might take responsibility for her condition and change for the better, for herself, husband and her family.

I'd show her a mortuary slab drawer.

Cold, clinical and final. "That's where I'll be visiting to identify you, if you don't change" blimey I wouldn't want to piss you off

To be fair sometimes that works.

I nearly got put on insulin as I hadn't controlled my t2 diabetes but I saw someone at work get their dose wrong and they looked like shit so I started properly doing something about it. Now my last 2 blood tests have been under target.

When I was 14 I got caught smoking by my dad. He threatened to take me to see people dying of cancer and to go to my nan and grandad's grave as they both died from cancer. Didn't touch cigarettes again.

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By *icky-disco OP Man
over a year ago

oxford

"It's time to be blunt and honest,she may even thank you in the end "
as I said earlier with the quality of life she has you would think she would change for herself

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By *icky-disco OP Man
over a year ago

oxford

"If he's fat and not arsed about eating well either then that's going to be harder for her. She's got a husband so in her mind doesn't need to impress anyone, what's the son like is he fat aswell?

She needs intervention. Someone to actually prepare her meals and do the food shop with her and totally educate her about food and what to cook. "
no he's a roadie so he's strong but fit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your not going to like this answer.

She's your sister I take you love her and want what's best for her.

Sometimes it hard but just tell her be brutal if you have to...

Then hold her close hug her support her every step of the way.

It will be hard for her very hard and to stick to it will sometimes feel like to much for her...

That's when she will need you.

The answer it's not here on fab it with your sister and with you..

Red just go and do it.

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By *mm_n_ZedCouple
over a year ago

Fareham

At 35st she knows. Every time she tried to stand up - she knows. Every time she struggles to have a shower - she knows. She doesn't need to be told what she already knows. In fact - being blunt will only make things worse as, by now, she'll be feeling totally trapped and hopeless.

The best way to help her is to say that you know she's aware of the problem and that you'd like to help.

By helping, I mean sitting down with her and her husband and helping them to devise a healthy meal plan; by suggesting all three of you do a small exercise session - even 10 minutes sitting in a chair raising and lowering a can of beans in each hand would be a start. Your sister has a long, long journey ahead. It will feel like a hopeless and unsurmountable task to her - shaming her won't encourage her to undertake this task. Supporting her in a practical way might. Good luck.

Emm

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I got told less than a week ago that i needed to lose weight or I'd be dead in 5 years! And in the middle of my son's 18th birthday party.

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By *apillonNoirWoman
over a year ago

There...

"I got told less than a week ago that i needed to lose weight or I'd be dead in 5 years! And in the middle of my son's 18th birthday party.

By someone well meaning rather than malicious I hope.

OP - good luck with helping your sister. It's going to be a long journey but so worth it. Hope it all goes well.

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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen

Sorry about your situation and that it has resulted to this, I'm sure your sister is fully aware with regards to her lifestyle and health.

The health professionals will be doing their best to get her on the right path, it just all depends if she will listen to them I'm afraid x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Being overweight doesnt make people stupid, a would guess the vast majority know exactly what the problem is and what to do about it. Just a shame it isnt as straight forward.

Not making excuses at all but sometimes there are reasons whether they be physical or psychological. Oh for a magic wand!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe get one or two bottles of wine and then tell her .... I would need that if I was going to tell my sister she is fat ........... You see she know and maybe don't wish to face it .. so she could be mad at you ......... or she could say yes I know so what .. Then you can say come on I wish you to be around for years and I am thinking of you and will be there to help if I can as your my sister and care for you. op its not a easy one so good luck . xxxx

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By *icky-disco OP Man
over a year ago

oxford

"Sorry about your situation and that it has resulted to this, I'm sure your sister is fully aware with regards to her lifestyle and health.

The health professionals will be doing their best to get her on the right path, it just all depends if she will listen to them I'm afraid x"
foxy the doctors just tell her she must lose weight that is all

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have a chat with her and try to get her to join slimming world, I have joined online. It does work XXX

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By *inxy777Woman
over a year ago

essex

Maybe making changes to her diet discreetly, healthier options.

Sorry if this has been mentioned before

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just tell her ....if it upsets you

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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen

"Sorry about your situation and that it has resulted to this, I'm sure your sister is fully aware with regards to her lifestyle and health.

The health professionals will be doing their best to get her on the right path, it just all depends if she will listen to them I'm afraid x foxy the doctors just tell her she must lose weight that is all

I'm sure they are stressing more than just that, but if that is the case, I think you are going to have to be blunt with her and stop tiptoeing around her as that is not helping anyone is it?

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By *icky-disco OP Man
over a year ago

oxford

"Maybe get one or two bottles of wine and then tell her .... I would need that if I was going to tell my sister she is fat ........... You see she know and maybe don't wish to face it .. so she could be mad at you ......... or she could say yes I know so what .. Then you can say come on I wish you to be around for years and I am thinking of you and will be there to help if I can as your my sister and care for you. op its not a easy one so good luck . xxxx"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The reasons behind why she is overeating need to be looked at.

Just telling someone to not eat as much isn't going to help.

I doubt anyone would tell an anorexic to just eat more without looking into the reasons why they're an anorexic.

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By *mm_n_ZedCouple
over a year ago

Fareham

"The reasons behind why she is overeating need to be looked at.

Just telling someone to not eat as much isn't going to help.

I doubt anyone would tell an anorexic to just eat more without looking into the reasons why they're an anorexic."

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By *ELLONS AND CREAMWoman
over a year ago

stourbridge area

Its soo hard to lose weight ....ive struggled all my life ....however it does NOT help if you tell someone they are overweight ...

She needs love , support from her family and friends . . Listen to her and then help her set small achievable goals ...

Who does the shopping ? ... the cooking?.... help her to make changes in what foods are in the house ...

People get stuck in a rut ...she may be bored / unhappy .....

Help her increase her physical excercise .... go for walks .....borrow someone's dog ....

She needs understanding .

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

You can be blunt as well as loving and supportive. It's not an either or thing.

It took family and friends bring blunt to a friend of mine who was anorexic for her to face it herself and seek help at an eating disorder clinic. Those same people were there for her the whole step of the way with love, understanding, compassion and support.

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

I do think at that size and with apparent health issues the Dr should be discussing things more with her than just telling her to lose weight.

I am a great advocate for extreme obesity being as much of a mental health issue as bring anorexic but it is rarely considered so. It is not healthy to get to that size and not see the need to change things.

It is hard and no doubt she may have tried in the past and failed but it needs addressing at a psychological level. I know for a fact I have unhealthy relationship with food, portion sizes and an idea of fairness which causes me to eat more than I really need to. But I'm lucky and I recognise that and can try to help myself overcome it.

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By *icky-disco OP Man
over a year ago

oxford

"I do think at that size and with apparent health issues the Dr should be discussing things more with her than just telling her to lose weight.

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By *lowercandyWoman
over a year ago

Lancashire

"Hi all

my older sister is 4 years older than me she weighs 35 stone and is going to die if she doesn't lose weight , how do I brooch the subject without upsetting her?"

Unless you think your sister is stupid believe me she knows that her life expectancy is short!

And being softy softy doesn't always help.

What she possibly is struggling with are her options ( you don't give info in the op)

Support and going with her to investigate may be the way.

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By *lowercandyWoman
over a year ago

Lancashire

"Everthing is a real effort getting up,walking just everything surely to get like that it's a mental thing isn't it?"

No...

But therapy can help alongside whichever road she takes..

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Get her to talk to a doctor, there are specialist, not a bunch of people on a website who possibly have no experience.

Truly hope it works out and this is not a poor me post..

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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

Don't think there is an easy way, just be straight with her but do it with compassion and love, and offer to help her as much as you can.

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By *exymidscouple2017Couple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Just tell get in the kindest possible way then help her set targets/challenges by becoming her own personal trainer. That will give her motivation, ask her hubby to join you too then they can lean on each other at times you cannot be there for her.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i really hope she is ok - but im sure she has been given the talk before and now in hospital

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi all

my older sister is 4 years older than me she weighs 35 stone and is going to die if she doesn't lose weight , how do I brooch the subject without upsetting her?"

I was nowhere near 35 stone but I have recently lost 9st and have to say, from personal experience, that people can tell you over and over and over, but until your (her) own brain kicks in and says "for fuck sake you MUST sort yourself out" whatever you say won't make much difference.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

...and to add to this, it's often not as simple as "you eat too much, stop it!" ... you have to deal with the reasons WHY you overeat as well

As I say, this is from personal experience - I'm not trying to be bolshy/cocky/patronising etc

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can't! Start with acknowledging how upset you are about her health then your message will not only come from your authentic self and will not be mixed up with fears about her getting upset but it will also empower you to have what will inevitably be a difficult conversation. Use the way you feel as a way to start the conversation. Don't hide that. Talk about your own feelings to her and tell her what she means to you. She will be more likely to hear your words as concern more than criticism. The key is to be open about your motivations and how her condition is affecting you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What approach do you want to take.. The softly softly approach... Or the Immediate Impact shock approach...??... Depends on her personality... Think back to things she has had to deal with in the past... Does the soft approach work or does the shock tactic work in her past life experiences??

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By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

Maybe speak to her husband first see if he can help.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One of my close friends got to 25 stone and was struggling to walk. She also had sleep apnoea and was on the verge of Type II diabetes is. I told her that I didn't want her to die, that I love her and I then gave her some of the research that I did on bariatric surgery.

I told her to go away and think about it and if she thought that it was something she wanted to do then I would be there for her. It took six months before she came back and told me she had decided to have surgery. In the following two years she lost eight stone.

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By *orkie321bWoman
over a year ago

Nottingham

OP I speak from personal experience here.

You don't need to tell her she is dangerously obese and it will kill her, she already knows this.

Every time she has seen a doctor or nurse for years they will have told her. You visit the doctor because you have tonsillitis and they spend 2 minutes on the problem you came for and 20 minutes telling you you're too fat and are going to die. After hearing the same spiel for years it just becomes white noise.

She will only make a change when she feels ready, no matter who tells her. Bullying (a strong word to use but after being nagged by doctors for so long it feels this way) someone into changing their lifestyle for the better never works no matter how well intentioned it is.

Exercise for someone severely obese is very difficult and often very painful. My weight caused spinal problems which occasionally left me bed ridden. She physically cannot exercise in the normal way.

I started off by just walking to the next bus stop along, a distance not much more than 100 metres. Every step was excruciating but I didn't give up, I was ready to make changes to my lifestyle.

I lost 7 stone and my spinal problems and mobility improved massively. I am still obese and to reach a healthy weight for my height I need to lose another 7 stone. I wish now I had asked my GP to refer me to a bariatric clinic. I lost my weight without any support at all from the medical profession and I am now too small to be referred and get help when I really could use some.

I would suggest a gentle talk with her. Tell her how much she means to you and you are scared you are going to lose her. Don't be afraid of shedding a few tears if it all gets a bit emotional, she will see how much it means. Suggest she asks to be referred to a bariatric clinic and offer to go with her to the appointments. It's a long and difficult journey and she will need all the support she can get. Although she needs to decide to do it by herself she can't succeed on her own.

Good luck OP. I hope your sister gets out of hospital soon and you can find a way to help her.

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By *bwitchedWoman
over a year ago

Batley, West Yorkshire

As so many others have said it has to be your sister who makes the decision to change. Goodness knows how many times people told me to lose weight over the years. My sister often begged me to change, and i knew I was I huge. But whereas some use drugs or alcohol to get through life, I used food. And I made it to 27 stone before I finally decided to change.

Thing is, I didn't love me enough to want to make the change. I knew i was big, and I'm far from stupid, it's just somehow you end up in this state of denial. It was only by being confronted by my own image several times a day on holiday last November that really made me realise how much i was struggling to walk and how different how I really looked was to how i thought i looked. Once it had sunk in, as soon as I got home I registered with slimming world and have been going to classes ever since.

Thing is, like another lady has posted, I have a toxic relationship with food. I've inherited it from my mum. From being a kid it's been ingrained into me - sweeties take nasty tastes away, if you've had a bad day chocolate or a biscuit makes you feel better, if you've done well at something then food is a reward, and wasting food is bad. If you don't finish your dinner you can't have pudding. Well i liked pudding more than dinner so made sure i ate all my dinner, even if i was full, so that i could have my pudding that i would force myself to eat too, after all i'd eaten the dinner i didn't want just so I could have it. There's so much I learnt from my mum that i'm having to unlearn day by day.

It's not as simple as eat less, move more. You've got to figure out why you overeat. Years of believing i was worthless, ugly, unattractive, not good enough etc made me think i didn't deserve to be thin. I'm not entirely sure why it all clicked into place last November but for some reason it did.

And now I'm losing weight (7 stone off now and still going) I'm feeling so many emotions. Angry that i let it get so bad in the first place. Proud that im doing it. Scared I'll fail, fall off the wagon and put it all back on. Scared I'll succeed and be left with acres of saggy skin to deal with. Scared it will affect my relationships. Scared that i will succeed but not realise that i've succeeded and switch one eating disorder for an another, swinging from extreme to extreme. Excited that I can walk easily again, that i can wash my own bits without having to stand on my head just to reach. Nearly cried earlier taking a load of clothes to a charity shop because they are clothes I'll never wear again (I'm determined they'll never got again) but those clothes have memories attached and there's a grief attached to parting with them. But its also kind of cathartic.

I truly truly hope your sister has the epiphany and decides to make the changes. But she has to decide to change for her. So many times I tried dieting because my sister said, my doctor said, my gym instructor said blah blah blah. None of those diets worked. They'd last a week or three, I'd lose a pound or half a pound a week and get disheartened. When you've got 14+ stones to lose starving yourself for a pound a week weight loss is not worth It! You feel like you're going to be watching every mouthful you eat for the rest of your life and never be able to enjoy food ever again. Finding the right diet, and not being on a diet that has a finite start and finish but a true diet that involves lifestyle changes that are sustainable long term and have the results that are noticeable and feed into a positive motivation cycle is essential and takes time.

And for anyone wondering, I've had no support from my doctor. Other than being told "you're overweight" there's been no offer of a dietician or a nurse to advise on diet or for regular weigh ins, or even the suggestion of counselling to get to the bottom of the head side of it all. Even going for a check up for my contraception the other day I basically got a pat on the head and that was it. So for anyone thinking that the nhs will offer support and advice, that isn't my experience.

Anyway, feel like I'm waffling now, but hope this gives you an insight into a fat girl's head. And if I can support or help in anyway then please feel free to drop me a line x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"As so many others have said it has to be your sister who makes the decision to change. Goodness knows how many times people told me to lose weight over the years. My sister often begged me to change, and i knew I was I huge. But whereas some use drugs or alcohol to get through life, I used food. And I made it to 27 stone before I finally decided to change.

Anyway, feel like I'm waffling now, but hope this gives you an insight into a fat girl's head. And if I can support or help in anyway then please feel free to drop me a line x "

This is the first time I have read a long post like this from beginning to end. Hopefully, people will read and understand what you said. Maybe feel compassionate towards people who have weight problems.

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