FabSwingers.com forum: When someone you adore dies!

By *ust Peachy OP Woman
over a year ago

Prestonish

Not the happiest of topics - but then in a way it is!

Ten years ago the man I loved most in the world died - my dad!

He and mum had an amazing relationship - one I've never matched (hence fab for now!)

He was the best man I've ever known.

Funny, intelligent, loyal, loving, generous, passionate - everything I wish I was!

Tomorrow will be hard - but happy in its own way as we'll go for dinner with mum, my cousin and aunt and swap gigglesoome stories about dad - and probably have a little cry!

Now - this isn't a 'pity me' thread - once we get past 40 most of us have lost people we love - it's more a question about how you and your loved ones deal with those special anniversaries that come along!

Hugs!

Peachy xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

I try and have a normal day for my dad's anniversary, it wasn't a good way to go

Hugs for tomorrow, it's best to remember happy times if you can x

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By *crumdiddlyumptiousMan
over a year ago

I just try and remember all the good and happy moments you shared with that person,

Big hugs x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have the anniversary of my mother's death coming up in October. From now until it passes, I find myself being more sensitive to comments made. It makes me a little more insecure and take things to heart... I suppose the best way to put it is that I feel fragile. I lost her at quite a young age and have never given myself time to properly grieve. I was too busy trying to be there for my dad, who's world completely imploded. Perhaps that's why it hits me hard on the run up to her anniversary.

Writing that makes me feel a little better though. Thank you peach. Hugs and kisses sent out to you during this difficult time

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My best friend in work died 3 years ago, and it was the anniversary a few weeks ago.

I remembered when I woke up, had a cry and got on with my day. After work, I had a drink for him because he was a jolly chap, wouldnt have wanted anyone to be upset, so I did my best

Hope tomorrow is okay

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i see death at work more often than i like - but losing a partner after 3 years was the worst as at the time he was the best thing that had ever happened to me - family havent meant much to me until i had my own kids - i try not to fixate on anniversaries but the first year with first bday xmas etc is tough - ive grown tough over the years - just my kids and a very small handful of close friends would really make me hurt inside if they went

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By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

I think of Mum everyday and wish she was still here. It's 12 years now and the 10th anniversary was just another day with no get together or in depth reflection.

Christmas is worse than any anniversary of her death but every day is a reminder. Thankfully the wounds have healed and are now just scars but mostly I'm so grateful to be a parent myself. That's helped me the most.

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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago

My best friend died last year. She was young and had two very young children. I'm still in pain. It's so hard to be without her. I have amazing friends but she was 'the one'. The person you share everything with. Life can be tough at times.

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By *vgloryholebs16TV/TS
over a year ago

Bristol.

Raise a glass to yr dad tomorrow and think what he would want you to do..

You had a very special and unique relationship with yr Dad .Enjoy each day with the wonderful memories you carry.

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By *s_macWoman
over a year ago

Traffic land

Hugs to you too Peachy.

I lost my Dad almost 2 years ago, in fact it was 2 years ago today since I last saw him, waving goodbye as he dropped me and the kids at Edinburgh airport. The day I got my last hug.

Some days are better than others, I push the what ifs away, as that's where madness lies and appreciate what we did have.

I remember him by playing a few favourite songs, raising a single malt, having a slice of porkpie and some gartners shallots

and remembering how wildly infuriating, funny, loving and stubborn he was. Some qualities I recognise in myself!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's a very tricky day the anniversary of my husband's death, as he died on our daughter's 13th birthday. She has learning disabilities so she doesn't understand, it's a hard day though, trying to celebrate on such a day. XXX

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By *DontExistWoman
over a year ago

•+• Silicon valley. •+•

my memory is really bad an i usually don't even notice these days have arrived. i like it that way too.

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

So many have lost people but what's good is that we never forget.

Getting together with remaining loved ones is a lovely thing to do OP

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

For me my second best friend in the whole world died in the same week as my Mum. Not the same year but it's a very sad week

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sending big hugs your way... I lost my beautiful precious baby boy through cot death two years ago next month a few days before his first birthday and even now it doesn't get any easier... I've just had to learn to take each day as it comes and I find counselling sessions on a weekly basis a massive help... It took me a long time to grieve as I struggled to accept that he had passed away and dealt with it in my own way which did effect those closest around me... I visit his graveside every week to lay fresh flowers and teddies by the side of his stone... The most heartbreaking loss and ordeal ive ever suffered and will continue to haunt me forever

With the amazing help of my counsellor and loved ones around me I'm getting stronger day by day

You'll be in my thoughts tomorrow xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This year was particularly tough. My father died 12 years ago, and my mother walked out on me, so my sisters were all the family i had. 6 years ago, my eldest sister suddenly died due to a brain anurism. This year my remain sister died just before the anniversery-we buried her on the same day as my eldest sister died. I truly felt broken and lost, feeling alone without family....the only thing that kept me going was getting a few days with my 2 youngest kids...my older son who lives with me, stayed in, we watched films, cuddled, laughed with tickling.....all you need is people around you, people who care about you. I hope oneday the pain passes for you x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I know people say time dulls the pain....

It doesn't...

To all those who lost someone even though we may remember them every day it's always worse on key dates.

No words can ever take the pain away...

Stop remember smile cry do whatever it takes to get you through...

I hope you find your peace and send hugs to those have been there..

Wanders back into man cave with tears in my eyes...

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Big hugs

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By *ust Peachy OP Woman
over a year ago

Prestonish

I can imagine! Huge hugs!

When my dad died my two youngest were only toddlers - and having to 'carry on regardless ' was both a help and a burden! Xxx

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By *ust Peachy OP Woman
over a year ago

Prestonish

"This year was particularly tough. My father died 12 years ago, and my mother walked out on me, so my sisters were all the family i had. 6 years ago, my eldest sister suddenly died due to a brain anurism. This year my remain sister died just before the anniversery-we buried her on the same day as my eldest sister died. I truly felt broken and lost, feeling alone without family....the only thing that kept me going was getting a few days with my 2 youngest kids...my older son who lives with me, stayed in, we watched films, cuddled, laughed with tickling.....all you need is people around you, people who care about you. I hope oneday the pain passes for you x"

Thanks! It's now a collection of bittersweet memories rather than raw pain. Thank you!

Huge hugs to you - and I hope you discover more loving relationships to fill you with happiness! Xx

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By *ust Peachy OP Woman
over a year ago

Prestonish

"Sending big hugs your way... I lost my beautiful precious baby boy through cot death two years ago next month a few days before his first birthday and even now it doesn't get any easier... I've just had to learn to take each day as it comes and I find counselling sessions on a weekly basis a massive help... It took me a long time to grieve as I struggled to accept that he had passed away and dealt with it in my own way which did effect those closest around me... I visit his graveside every week to lay fresh flowers and teddies by the side of his stone... The most heartbreaking loss and ordeal ive ever suffered and will continue to haunt me forever

With the amazing help of my counsellor and loved ones around me I'm getting stronger day by day

You'll be in my thoughts tomorrow xxx"

And you'll be in mine lovely! I think the worst thing a woman can possibly go through is the death of her child! Xx

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

It was my sister's anniversary last week and that's why I wasn't around much. It's now been 15 years since she was murdered and it still feels like last week. She was the closest thing I had to a real mum and it won't ever stop hurting. Not a single day go's by that I don't think about her and I miss her dearly. She died in a car crash in France that shouldn't ever of happens. The tosser driving just didn't stop for a crossroads and they hit the other car at speed. She was very tiny less than 5ft so she had this habit of putting the cross part of the seatbelt behind her back because if not the belt touched her neck. This ment in the crash she was thrown out the back window of the car and was found in a ditch over 50 yards from the crash happend and had suffers massive head and chest injury so much so we wasn't allowed to identify her. I can now deal with the day to day pain the loss and the feelings I have of just wanting justice even if I have to get it my way as nobody was ever charged over it. The actual anniversary I still can't cope with. My way of dealing with it is to shut myself down for the proceeding week sometimes 2. I don't talk to anyone I don't go out I don't even answer my door because I can feel the anger in me just waiting to get out and I know I just can't let that happen...

So there you have it peach far from the right way to deal with it but it's my way and it's the only way I can.

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By *ficouldMan
over a year ago

a quandary, could you change my mind?

[Removed by poster at 03/09/17 21:08:44]

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By *ficouldMan
over a year ago

a quandary, could you change my mind?

I am terrible with dates, I mean really bad. There are people who were special in my life no longer here, I think about them at certain times, perhaps a trigger of a noise, smell, location. I think I'm lucky as I don't have days just to think about the one person.

Thoughts to all

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sending you love for tomorrow, Peachy!

It'll be 20 years next July, since I lost my Dad. I recently wanted to buy something I can keep with me to remember him. I thought about buying a rose in his memory. I headed to the garden centre and the very first rose I saw was called 'Shropshire Lad'. It's where we're from originally. It was just kinda special, y'know!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I lost my mum 25 minutes before my wedding 6 years ago this week.

A year after losing my mum, i fell out with most of her family its a long story - but their only motivation is money and foul wouldn't even come close to their behaviour.

Nearly 2 years ago my mums partner very nearly lost his life, lack of oxygen means he is no longer the man he was, his family also motivated by money have eradicated us from his life - another long story.

So its just me and my brother really, my brother was with mum when she passed, he doesnt talk.

We kind of both retreat into ourselves, I find the run up to the dates hard, the actual important dates are usually sad but I keep really busy and hubby occupies me when I'm at my worst.

Not sure theres any hard and fast rules to dealing with these dates, I think its just finding a way of coping, whatever gets you through.

It doesn't seem to get any easier, I long to pick up the phone, do a double take if someone looks like her. Back to retreating - its all too real for me at the minute.

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By *iss.HoneyWoman
over a year ago

...

"Sending you love for tomorrow, Peachy!

I got one too which reminds me of my mum. Xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sending you love for tomorrow, Peachy!

I got one too which reminds me of my mum. Xx"

I can't even imagine losing my Mum, lovely!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't remember much about my dad's or my twin sister's deaths or funerals. I know the months but not the dates or years. My niece usually puts something on Facebook, which reminds me. I don't really like to be reminded of the days they died, as I don't like crying.I prefer remembering them when they were alive.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sending you love for tomorrow, Peachy!

I got one too which reminds me of my mum. Xx

My mum bought rose trees for my dad and sister

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By *ust Peachy OP Woman
over a year ago

Prestonish

"It was my sister's anniversary last week and that's why I wasn't around much. It's now been 15 years since she was murdered and it still feels like last week. She was the closest thing I had to a real mum and it won't ever stop hurting. Not a single day go's by that I don't think about her and I miss her dearly. She died in a car crash in France that shouldn't ever of happens. The tosser driving just didn't stop for a crossroads and they hit the other car at speed. She was very tiny less than 5ft so she had this habit of putting the cross part of the seatbelt behind her back because if not the belt touched her neck. This ment in the crash she was thrown out the back window of the car and was found in a ditch over 50 yards from the crash happend and had suffers massive head and chest injury so much so we wasn't allowed to identify her. I can now deal with the day to day pain the loss and the feelings I have of just wanting justice even if I have to get it my way as nobody was ever charged over it. The actual anniversary I still can't cope with. My way of dealing with it is to shut myself down for the proceeding week sometimes 2. I don't talk to anyone I don't go out I don't even answer my door because I can feel the anger in me just waiting to get out and I know I just can't let that happen...

So there you have it peach far from the right way to deal with it but it's my way and it's the only way I can."

Pm'dypu my lovely! Xx

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By *ust Peachy OP Woman
over a year ago

Prestonish

Haven't responded to all the posts individually but I've read them. Like I said in my op - most adults (particularly the 40+ ones) have lost at least one person they love dearly!

Reading some of the posts, I'm just so grateful for what I still have - a lovely mum and a loving, supportive family. Grief is tough enough when you have those - far worse when you don't!

Massive hugs to all those who've shared stories of their loved ones this evening!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I lost my Dad in October 3 years ago and part of me died with him him and mam where married for almost 60 years I thank Got that I got to spend 53 years with Dad October used to be a month filled with family birthdays my Dad's included it's not tinged with sadness

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By *alandNitaCouple
over a year ago

Scunthorpe

I'm fortunate to still have both my parents and a grand parent still alive.

I was very close to my granddad who died about 6 years ago, and my aunt who died when I was 17.

I don't remember exactly when either died. I like to remember their life, and happy memories, rather than focusing on the day they died. Though I do understand why many chose to commemorate the day.

Nita

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My dad died 4 days after I got engaged (6 years ago). It was really hard. My mom was in the hospital at the time, and when I got the phone call I thought it was news about her.

I try not to think too much about it when the anniversary comes. I try to remember my dad in what I do, not in the day he died. He was so much more than that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hugs to everyone on this thread who has lost someone special to them. x

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

Big hugs.. I don't know is the answer I just do what ever needs doing on that day, what ever that may be.

The dog still needs walking, kids to feed and laundry but I do have a moment to myself to raise a glass and have a good cry if I feel the need.

Big hugs to all who have lost loved ones old or young.

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By *eadySteadyCockCouple
over a year ago

Tredegar

My mam died three years ago and everyday I think of her. It's still hard for me to talk about about her without filling up. I miss her so much! And will do till the day I die. That's love, it never stops.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some very moving posts. We should tell the ones we care about who are still with us how much they mean to us.

Here's a poem by Bernard O'Donoghue that says it perfectly.

Going Without Saying

i.m. Joe Flynn

It is a great pity we don’t know

When the dead are going to die

So that, over a last companionable

Drink, we could tell them

How much we liked them.

Happy the man who, dying, can

Place his hand on his heart and say:

‘At least I didn’t neglect to tell

The thrush how beautifully she sings.’

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Big hugs to you

I had my fathers 19th anniversary a couple of weeks ago

Like you I adored my father and I think the reason I'm still single is because I'm wantingva carbon copy of my father

Someone who devoted his every waking hour to his wife and family

I want someone who had the same morals and ethics as him

But most of all I'm looking for someone who can worship me the same way as he did

Weird some people might think

But my father was simply the best and I can't see me finding anyone who comes close to him

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By *ieman300Man
over a year ago

Best Greggs in Cheshire East

Im like a robot about it. Some might call me cold. Just the way I deal with things. It does come out every now and then but generally I get by. I always say remember the good times and by the sounds of it that's what you'll do. Hugs x

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

Gotta stop coming back to this thread

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Im like a robot about it. Some might call me cold. Just the way I deal with things. It does come out every now and then but generally I get by. I always say remember the good times and by the sounds of it that's what you'll do. Hugs x"

I'll warm you up stud.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

With the amazing help of my counsellor and loved ones around me I'm getting stronger day by day

You'll be in my thoughts tomorrow xxx

And you'll be in mine lovely! I think the worst thing a woman can possibly go through is the death of her child! Xx"
Thank you my lovely, it's the worst ordeal any parent can go through

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's going to be the first annoof my dads death later on this month. I still haven't cried yet. Will be a funny day and I'm not sure how I'll feel. Big hugs to you op. I just take each day as it comes x

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By *ust Peachy OP Woman
over a year ago

Prestonish

"Big hugs to you

I had my fathers 19th anniversary a couple of weeks ago

Like you I adored my father and I think the reason I'm still single is because I'm wantingva carbon copy of my father

Someone who devoted his every waking hour to his wife and family

I want someone who had the same morals and ethics as him

But most of all I'm looking for someone who can worship me the same way as he did

Weird some people might think

But my father was simply the best and I can't see me finding anyone who comes close to him"

Thanks - and yes - I can absolutely relate to that! Xx

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By *ust Peachy OP Woman
over a year ago

Prestonish

"It's going to be the first annoof my dads death later on this month. I still haven't cried yet. Will be a funny day and I'm not sure how I'll feel. Big hugs to you op. I just take each day as it comes x "

And even bigger hugs to you love. The first year or two is the hardest I think! Xx

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By *elloIntrigueMan
over a year ago

North West UK

And even bigger hugs to you love. The first year or two is the hardest I think! Xx"

Last month I passed the 20 year anniversary of my grandma dying, she was very dear to me.

I had a pleasant contemplative day and went for a quiet lunch and then visited her grave with a bunch of flowers and spent ten minutes at the graveside.

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By *otchillicoupleCouple
over a year ago

all over

I was 10 he was 47 my world collapsed when he died, my wonderful daddy. She said I had to be brave, my mother, no I didn't need to be brave, and she walked out of the room to leave me to cry, I was 10 I didn't need to be brave. I needed to be a child and I needed help to understand. Not a day goes by when I don't think about my dad and I'm older now than he was when he died. Xxx

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

"I was 10 he was 47 my world collapsed when he died, my wonderful daddy. She said I had to be brave, my mother, no I didn't need to be brave, and she walked out of the room to leave me to cry, I was 10 I didn't need to be brave. I needed to be a child and I needed help to understand. Not a day goes by when I don't think about my dad and I'm older now than he was when he died. Xxx"

That just ridicules. Your 10 and left to deal with it. Some perants need shooting my own included.....

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By *otchillicoupleCouple
over a year ago

all over

Yeah it wasn't great, and I wouldn't have dealt with it this way but times were different then

That just ridicules. Your 10 and left to deal with it. Some perants need shooting my own included....."

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By *un KnightsCouple
over a year ago

South West

I sit here writing this after spending another night sat by my mothers bed watching her slowly die. With my wife helping we have been giving palliative care for the last year or so and now the end is close. Already the pain is unbearable but life will go on and in time the pain will fade if not completely go. Holding back the tears and being strong so as to not frighten her is one of the hardest things we have ever had to do.

The trouble with love be it of a relative, friend or pet is that one day someone will suffer the pain of loss but without that love we would never get to enjoy all of the good emotions and feelings that go with it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That just ridicules. Your 10 and left to deal with it. Some perants need shooting my own included....."

think a lot of stuff in general a couple of generations ago was just coped with by 'getting on with it' -

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I miss my Dad loads and its coming up for 5 years and everyday I look at his pics I have around the house so I can feel him close as now he lives inside me .. My mind . xx {{{{ VERY BIG HUGS.]]]]]

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By *ust Peachy OP Woman
over a year ago

Prestonish

"I sit here writing this after spending another night sat by my mothers bed watching her slowly die. With my wife helping we have been giving palliative care for the last year or so and now the end is close. Already the pain is unbearable but life will go on and in time the pain will fade if not completely go. Holding back the tears and being strong so as to not frighten her is one of the hardest things we have ever had to do.

My dad died in his own bed so I can relate to this!

I remember being terrified of losing him - but also the huge guilt of 'wanting it to be over' so he wasn't in pain any more, and for my mum who was killing herself caring for him (accepted very little help) and watching him die!)

It was roughly a year before I could discuss memories of him without getting really upset!

Big hugs to both of you - it's a terribly tough time! Xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's a very tricky day the anniversary of my husband's death, as he died on our daughter's 13th birthday. She has learning disabilities so she doesn't understand, it's a hard day though, trying to celebrate on such a day. XXX"
its hard isn't it if the day you lose a loved one is on a day your meant to celebrate. My mum passed on new years day... but it was her favourite day of the year.. so even through I feel sad. I try to celebrate it in a way to honour her memory x

Op... there is no right or wrong way to deal with it. Some say it gets easier with time. And to be honest I try not to think about the day loved ones passed ... more remember the way they lived and celebrate their birthdays instead. X but hugs x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It'll be the anniversary of my wife in October. We never had children and her family are all in America, so I generally spend the day alone. Her brother facetimes me the day before and after but I usually shut myself away for a couple of days. I used to get d*unk, it was the only way I could cope but I don't need the drink to get me through it.

Thoughts are with you all

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I so far haven't got over it, my father died in 99 and It hit me very hard.things will remind you of him every day.

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By *ELLONS AND CREAMWoman
over a year ago

stourbridge area

I dont have either my mum or dad .... I never go to the crematorium .... because to me they are not there ..... I have a picture of them both when they were younger ...and on occasions I go and get a big bunch of flowers put them in a vase in the kitchen ...

And just recall memories .

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By *un KnightsCouple
over a year ago

South West

My dad died in his own bed so I can relate to this!

Thank you,

We are in the last days and want her to go painlessly and without being frightened and yet we also just want one more day with her.

It was roughly a year before I could discuss memories of him without getting really upset!

Big hugs to both of you - it's a terribly tough time! Xx"

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By *s_macWoman
over a year ago

Traffic land

I could have never predicted when I responded to this just over 24 hours I'd be back again.

My sweet, lovely grandmother passed early this evening.

Hand on heart, I NEVER heard her say a bad thing about anyone. My family have had more than their fare share of soap style tragedies, but she always berated the situation and not the individual. I have no such inclination, but I'll try to learn from her and be the bigger person.

Thanks Nan, for the rum in my Christmas tea, the best gravy I ever had and a reminder that being kind is not a weakness

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By *opsy RogersWoman
over a year ago

London

My dad died a few years ago but I don't remember the exact date, it was sometime in November. It was a horrid death, many years after he wanted to die. He was sick of being kept alive.

My daughter eats curry and drinks port on his birthday in his honour, I can't stand either so she has my share. We remember him with love but death in our family is seen as a normal part of life so no major sorrow. As he always said, crying is and act for you, not the person who died.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I could have never predicted when I responded to this just over 24 hours I'd be back again.

My sweet, lovely grandmother passed early this evening.

Thanks Nan, for the rum in my Christmas tea, the best gravy I ever had and a reminder that being kind is not a weakness

Aww I'm so sorry for your loss. Hope you can find some comfort in your good memories. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 05/09/17 01:12:11]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Deep hug. You cannot know how your posting is so much like my thoughts and life since late July-- except it is a countdown of each week.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The day my dad died he was 49 plus so many days.

When I got to the same age day etc.

I set up till 12 o'clock.

All I could think of when I die. And if there's a chance I could see him again.

Will I be an old man and he be just 49.

Funny the things you think of as you get older .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

wednesday just gone we buried my best friend of 21 years, he was 31 years old. i miss him so much. taken far too soon. hard coping without him. taking each day as it comes. he was the nicest and most kind and loving bloke you could ever come across. did so much charity work too. always the good ones taken far to early.

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