FabSwingers.com forum: Advice & dilemmas

By *hocoholic OP Woman
over a year ago

The big D

Ok so I'm crap at relationship advice cause I'm a single & have been for a long time but my closest friend came to me for advice & I honestly don't know if the situation is right or wrong. She's meeting a guy now for over a year, they seem to be a couple but haven't actually announced it.

The issue is that she recently found out he's texting another girl, she says it appears platonic but they've been texting months & make arrangements to meet for cinema etc

She wanted to know if she should say something cause she's uneasy because if that girl is just a friend of his how come she's never heard of her, when my friend & her guy 1st started out, it was thru innocent texts which eventually lead to more so she's afraid this will happen.

I couldn't advice her cause if she doesn't know then I could hardly know, I keep thinking tho it's odd for texting to be going on for so long without her knowing but yet if it's only texting a friend & he's spending all his time with her, then she shouldn't be worried.

What would u guys & gals advice?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It may be that your friend is taking the relationship much more seriously than he is. She should confront him about this, that way she'll at least know where she stands and can then make an informed decision on whether to stay or break up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My closest friend is a guy and I text him all the time. I wouldn't explain myself to anyone I was seeing and don't feel the need to justify it. One guy I was seeing wasn't comfortable with it and it caused problems in the long run. He just couldn't see why I wanted a friend that's male when I have female friends. I would tell her not to worry and maybe have a night out with a few friends. The girl included. She can then see how they are around each other or see what his reaction is when she suggests inviting her

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Get rid unless she wants to get her involved

seriously though if the new "friend" wasn't around at the start of the relationship then he's building his fall back plan and clearly getting bored of your mate, if he wasn't then he'd want to take her to the cinema etc.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Get rid unless she wants to get her involved

Exactly. Your friend should ask herself why he'd rather spend time with this other woman when he should be taking her out instead.

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By *hoenixAdAstraWoman
over a year ago

Hiding in the shadows

I have several very good male friends, we work together, go out together, even on holiday together.

It is possible to have a platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex.

But saying that, keeping someone secret, not telling your partner implies to me, that there's the possibility of that person wanting more than just friends.

If it was my friend, I'd be telling her to ask what is going on, and be prepared to get the hankies ready

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Does she trust him? A relationship with no trust can really get you down. If she can't trust him perhaps for her own good she should walk away.

I was in a relationship where I wasn't trusted. It slowly built up over time. I would be questioned and harassed when out with friends. It made me not want to go out because it wasn't worth the hassle.

He pushed me away with his jealousy and control.

Your friend may be able to get over it and accept his truth. But jealousy is an ugly thing and will eventually push most people away.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If there is no communication between the two then I would say its already doomed

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By *hocoholic OP Woman
over a year ago

The big D

Great thoughts. I can see both sides of the dilemma altho the majority seem to think it's prob not ok & her worrying isn't based on nothing. I'm independent & have lots of male friends & think that if I was dating then the new guy has got to be ok with that but listening to my friend & seeing how uncertain & genuinely worried she is, is opening my eyes that you can't just label it paranoia & jealously, there is actually some1 hurting.

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By *SAchickWoman
over a year ago

Hillside desolate

How did she find out about this? Because if she's gone through his phone without his knowledge then there are obviously already big trust issues.

If he's made a cinema date with this other woman tell her to ask him over that night. If he's honest and says he's going out with a friend then I guess he's nothing to hide and it's your friend who has the issue.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would have no issue with friendships of the opposite sex. I would have issue as to why the friendship was not openly discussed in every day life.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Great thoughts. I can see both sides of the dilemma altho the majority seem to think it's prob not ok & her worrying isn't based on nothing. I'm independent & have lots of male friends & think that if I was dating then the new guy has got to be ok with that but listening to my friend & seeing how uncertain & genuinely worried she is, is opening my eyes that you can't just label it paranoia & jealously, there is actually some1 hurting. "

Being open and honest about having platonic friends of the opposite sex is the difference. No one is suggesting that's wrong. The problem is he's kept it quiet. Why?

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Wow to the responses.... in terms of the bloke has already been deemed the 'baddy'.

I'm assuming that :-

1. The 'couple' are not engaged.

2. The 'couple have not promised exclusivity.

3. The 'couple' have not agreed total commitment.

4. The 'couple' haven't even agreed what relationship if any, they are in.

5. She sees him as 'hers'

6. He sees her as adult female company and sexual liaison.

7. She looked at his phone.

8. If after a year he hasn't committed to her she should know it's casual.

All she has to do is ask if he wants to commit to exclusivity and a future together as a couple.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Makes me smile in situations like these.

If he was texting a bloke she didn't know about would that be okay ? Or would she consider that he was bi and hadn't told her that he was shagging him and planning on leaving her ?

Hypothetical and rhetorical but possible.

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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago

yumsville

So she's in a relatively short term relationship (1yr) and for a quarter of it he's texting someone she doesn't know. It sounds suspicious as there's only one half of the story but if you're going to meet friends you do it as soon as someone gets in touch, not after months of texts.. and everyone likes a film and new friends, so why isn't she invited?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paranoia.

Platonic friendships can work.

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By *amissCouple
over a year ago

chelmsford

I think she needs to know if it is an exclusive and serious relationship, if it is then I wouldn't be happy with the situation. If she is a very good friend of his , then he should introduce them to each other.

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By *DontExistWoman
over a year ago

•+• Silicon valley. •+•

i went with someone for almost 2 yrs who kept me 'hidden', i knew his mum and that but they didn't know i was his girlfriend. i never twigged until he dumped me for someone else.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wou;ld always advise paying close attention to the saintly and wise words of Nick Lowe:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6hzkBihaew

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By *DontExistWoman
over a year ago

•+• Silicon valley. •+•

"I wou;ld always advise paying close attention to the saintly and wise words of Nick Lowe:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6hzkBihaew"

just shoved that on my sexy song list.

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