FabSwingers.com forum: Shit jokes for insomniacs

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I was pondering how many all male motown acts I know and I reckon probably three, maybe four, tops.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk

Yay!!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

It wasn't till I stuck my dick up my arse that I really came into myself

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *J RHEAMan
over a year ago

S West

What do you call a blind deer?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *udistnorthantsMan
over a year ago

Desborough

"What do you call a blind deer?"

No idea

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *anielpiercedMan
over a year ago

by the seaside

BNAG!!!!

That's bang out of order

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ushandkittyCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

I asked a welsh guy at work how many sexual partners he'd had, he thought for a second and started counting in his head....... and then he fell asleep!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What do you call a blind deer?

No idea

What do you call a blind deer after you've shot it?

Still no idea

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I asked a welsh guy at work how many sexual partners he'd had, he thought for a second and started counting in his head....... and then he fell asleep!"

So wrong!! ??

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I asked a welsh guy at work how many sexual partners he'd had, he thought for a second and started counting in his head....... and then he fell asleep!

So wrong!! ??"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

What do you call a sleeping cow.....a bull dozer

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *J RHEAMan
over a year ago

S West

She was only the tobacconists daughter, but she was by far the best shag in the shop.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"She was only the tobacconists daughter, but she was by far the best shag in the shop."

I'm having that!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If I ever meet the designer of the usb, I will punch him I the face.

Then I will pull my fist back, turn it over and punch him again

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

why is milk the fastest drink on the planet?

because its past-ur-iz-ed, before you know it

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Dyslexic skiers couldn't work out whether to zig zag or zag zig down a particular slope so they asked a guy who said I've no idea I'm a tobogganist, they said ok can we have 20 benson and hedges

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If I ever meet the designer of the usb, I will punch him I the face.

Then I will pull my fist back, turn it over and punch him again

Can't work out if this is modern or post modern but I'm having this as wellif you don't mind

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Crime in multi storey car parks is wrong on so many levels

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man went to the doctor's with a personal complaint, his penis had turned a lovely shade of orange.

The doctor looked at his big medical book and found some suggestions.

He asked the man if he was under any stress recently and the man told him his job was completely stress free so the doctor went back to his big medical book.

He then asked the man of his job involved any work with chemicals which may affect his penis. The man replied in the negative.

So the doctor went back to his book and asked the man if he had been sexually active recently, the man replied that he hasn't had sex in months.

The doctor went back to his big medical book and had exhausted all options so he took the initiative and asked the man if he had any hobbies.

The man said "I have no hobbies, all I do in my spare time is eat wotsits and masturbate"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A man went to the doctor's with a personal complaint, his penis had turned a lovely shade of orange.

The doctor looked at his big medical book and found some suggestions.

He asked the man if he was under any stress recently and the man told him his job was completely stress free so the doctor went back to his big medical book.

He then asked the man of his job involved any work with chemicals which may affect his penis. The man replied in the negative.

So the doctor went back to his book and asked the man if he had been sexually active recently, the man replied that he hasn't had sex in months.

The doctor went back to his big medical book and had exhausted all options so he took the initiative and asked the man if he had any hobbies.

The man said "I have no hobbies, all I do in my spare time is eat wotsits and masturbate""

Beautiful

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A woman walks into a bar and asks for an innuendo so the barman gives her one

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A white horse walks into a bar and asks for a beer, the bar man said hey, we have a whisky named after you.

The horse said, why do you have a whisky named Eric?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of whisky, as the barman pours them he necks them one by one.

Barman says you're drinking a bit quickly mate, the guy says look you'd be drinking quickly if you'd got what I've got, barman says why? What have you got?

Fella says "50 pence"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A woman walks into a bar and asks for an innuendo so the barman gives her one"

A sound engineer went into the same bar and also asked for a double entendre so the barman gave him one too (works much better aurally

)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"She was only the tobacconists daughter, but she was by far the best shag in the shop."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A woman walks into a bar and asks for an innuendo so the barman gives her one

A sound engineer went into the same bar and also asked for a double entendre so the barman gave him one too (works much better aurally

Brilliant, reminds me of how many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Two one two one two

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We are fucking hilarious

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We are fucking hilarious

You are, which is why I'm stealing all of these

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"If I ever meet the designer of the usb, I will punch him I the face.

Then I will pull my fist back, turn it over and punch him again

Hahaha now that I like lol!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ushandkittyCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

I've got a polish friend who is a sound engineer,

and i've got a czech one too!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I've got a polish friend who is a sound engineer,

and i've got a czech one too!"

Oh my days that's awesome

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ushandkittyCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

there are 10 types of people in this world......

those who understand binary, and those who don't!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"there are 10 types of people in this world......

those who understand binary, and those who don't!!"

Getting your geek on. Like it!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've got a polish friend who is a sound engineer,

and i've got a czech one too!"

Gtf, never heard that before and fucking love it. It's my joke now.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

One cow turns to the other and says 'Have you heard about this mad cow disease?'

The other replies 'Doesn't affect me I'm a horse!'

(Shamelessly stolen joke! !

)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I've got a polish friend who is a sound engineer,

and i've got a czech one too!

Gtf, never heard that before and fucking love it. It's my joke now."

Innit

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ushandkittyCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

2 chemists walk into a bar, one asks for a glass of H2O.

the other say can i have some H2O too....... he died!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"One cow turns to the other and says 'Have you heard about this mad cow disease?'

The other replies 'Doesn't affect me I'm a horse!'

(Shamelessly stolen joke! !

Mate we all stole these jokes I'm sure

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *anielpiercedMan
over a year ago

by the seaside

Have you heard about the magic tractor?

Went down the road and turned into a field

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the easiest way to make ends meet?

Cut out the middle bit

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

An Englishman Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and the barman says what is this some sort of joke?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

What's Black and White and sits on a wall?

Humpty baseball boot! !

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What's the easiest way to make ends meet?

Cut out the middle bit

Shockingly bad but it still raised a snigger

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why was tigger spending so much time in the toilet??

It was the last time anyone saw poo

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's the easiest way to make ends meet?

Cut out the middle bit

Shockingly bad but it still raised a snigger "

They get a lot worse than that..

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What's the easiest way to make ends meet?

Cut out the middle bit

Shockingly bad but it still raised a snigger

They get a lot worse than that..

Bring it

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Guy goes into a bar and asks for scotch on the rocks , insisting on fresh ice as he won't pay for the frozen stuff !!

That's gotta be the worst !!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

3 nuns die in a car crash and as they're queuing at the pearly gates St Peter says to the first nun have you ever touched a mans penis.

Embarrassed she says yes I did once. St peter says you've led a blameless life wash your hands in the holy font and go on to everlasting peace.

As he asks the second nun the same question the third barges her out of the way and says look, if you think I'm gargling that water after she's stuck her arse in it you've another thing coming.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"3 nuns die in a car crash and as they're queuing at the pearly gates St Peter says to the first nun have you ever touched a mans penis.

Embarrassed she says yes I did once. St peter says you've led a blameless life wash your hands in the holy font and go on to everlasting peace.

As he asks the second nun the same question the third barges her out of the way and says look, if you think I'm gargling that water after she's stuck her arse in it you've another thing coming. "

Two nuns were stopped at a red light when a car of d*unks pulled up alongside.

"Show us your tits penguins!" shouted one of the d*unks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret and says "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross!"

So Sister Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Fuck off you fucking wankers before I get out and rip your balls off!"

I've just sent you a PM as well OP

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"3 nuns die in a car crash and as they're queuing at the pearly gates St Peter says to the first nun have you ever touched a mans penis.

Embarrassed she says yes I did once. St peter says you've led a blameless life wash your hands in the holy font and go on to everlasting peace.

As he asks the second nun the same question the third barges her out of the way and says look, if you think I'm gargling that water after she's stuck her arse in it you've another thing coming. "

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then in dawned on me

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then in dawned on me

YESSSS!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I was shipwrecked once, woke up on a purple beach under a purple sky, I looked at the purple waves lapping against the shore when I realised, I'd been marooned

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Perfect shit joke. Grins

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *utie91Woman
over a year ago

Hitchin

What do you call it when a piano is dropped down a mine shaft??

A Flat Minor

What do you call it when a piano is dropped on a army base?

A Flat Major

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What do you call it when a piano is dropped down a mine shaft??

A Flat Minor

What do you call it when a piano is dropped on a army base?

A Flat Major

What's green, has six legs and if it lands on you will probably kill you?

A snooker table

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you heard about the Ice Cream man who was found dead on his van floor covered in hundreds and thousands?

The police said he topped himself.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Have you heard about the Ice Cream man who was found dead on his van floor covered in hundreds and thousands?

The police said he topped himself."

Love it.

Did you hear about the 2 lads who got arrested, one was sniffing battery acid the other gunpowder? The oolice charged one and let the other one off

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What about that dyslexic guy that walked into a bra?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My penis is like a dictonary want me to blow your mind?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did one Mexican say to the other Mexican?..."that's nacho cheese, it's mine!"

You're welcome

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ENGUYMan
over a year ago

Hull

Guy goes to his GP.

Doc: What's the problem?

Guy: Every time I pee, it goes all over the place!

Doc: Show me what you mean.

Guy does so, out pops his cock, down the front of which is a line of holes; the guy starts peeing and the piss goes everywhere!

Doc goes nuts as he is showered in Pee, then goes to his desk and writes on a name on a piece of paper.

Guy: Who's this?

Doc: He's a Flute teacher, he'll show you how to hold it properly!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Goodnight all. It's been emotional

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *laytimenowMan
over a year ago

Essex

"A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Perfect shit joke. Grins

You hear about the dyslexic junkie ?

Died of a dodgy F

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *laytimenowMan
over a year ago

Essex

What do elephants use as tampons ?

Sheep

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *laytimenowMan
over a year ago

Essex

Why do elephants have trunks ?

You ever seen a sheep with blue string wrapped around it ?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *laytimenowMan
over a year ago

Essex

Why do Elephants paint there balls red ?

So they can hide in Cherry trees .

Ever seen an Elephant in a Cheery tree ?

See it works

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *laytimenowMan
over a year ago

Essex

Whats whit & blue ?

A fridge in a denim jacket

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *laytimenowMan
over a year ago

Essex

Whats got 8 lega & if it falls out of a tree will kill you ?

A snooker table

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *laytimenowMan
over a year ago

Essex

Did you hear about the

.......................

WHO YOU CALLING A SCHIZOPHRENIC ?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *laytimenowMan
over a year ago

Essex

What does D.N.A stand for ?

National Association of Dyslexia

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

...

Light blue.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A bra and a pair of jumper leads walk into a bar. The bra asks for a beer. The barman says no. The bra asks why. The barman says "Cause you're off ya tits and your mates look like they're gonna start something."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rinkydonkyMan
over a year ago

Hinckley

"Crime in multi storey car parks is wrong on so many levels"
..... I had sex with a Chinese girl in a elevator..... It was fucking Wong on so many levels !

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *lmostthereMan
over a year ago

Southampton

Heard the one about the diabetic magician?

Always has a few Twix up his sleeve.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rinkydonkyMan
over a year ago

Hinckley

Have you heard about the constipated mathematician...... he worked it out with a pencil !

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *aul1973HullMan
over a year ago

East Hull

2 buckets of sick walking down the road, one starts crying, the other asks what's wrong..

See that house, i was brought up there.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

What do you call a man with leaves on his head?

Russell

What do you call the same man 10 years later?

Pete

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

"I've got a polish friend who is a sound engineer,

and i've got a czech one too!"

superb

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rjimMan
over a year ago

nr bristol

Never ever confuse somnambulism with funambulism.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rjimMan
over a year ago

nr bristol

I went to the surgery yesterday with a sexual problem......took my penis out and said

"I have been very premature lately"

She said "you certainly are,...I'm the receptionist"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rjimMan
over a year ago

nr bristol

My grandfather was always one for the ladies...no matter how many times he was told to use the gents.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rjimMan
over a year ago

nr bristol

My other grandfather can no longer do what he loved doing

..Bombing the Germans.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Why do Elephants paint there balls red ?

So they can hide in Cherry trees .

Ever seen an Elephant in a Cheery tree ?

See it works

What's the loudest noise in Africa? Monkeys eating cherries.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My other grandfather can no longer do what he loved doing

..Bombing the Germans."

My other grandfather, before he died, wanted to become a sledge. So we covered his back in butter, and after that he went downhill very quickly.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I went to the surgery yesterday with a sexual problem......took my penis out and said

"I have been very premature lately"

She said "you certainly are,...I'm the receptionist"

"
love it

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *essandpatCouple
over a year ago

chester

One sock said to the other sock, what are you doing, other sock said nothing I'm just hanging out x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I will always remember my grandfathers last words "stop shaking the ladder you little sh....."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan
over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

What do you get if you cross an ocean with the Titanic. Halfway

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan
over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

Poor Chinese couple had a disabled baby . Called it Sum Ting Wong

. ( it's just a joke don't have a breakdown )

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If I ever meet the designer of the usb, I will punch him I the face.

Then I will pull my fist back, turn it over and punch him again

don't forget to pull back turn it over one more and watch it glide perfectly inside him...wait

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iamond coupleCouple
over a year ago

leeds

"What do you call it when a piano is dropped down a mine shaft??

A Flat Minor

What do you call it when a piano is dropped on a army base?

A Flat Major

What's green, has six legs and if it lands on you will probably kill you?

A snooker table

"
a snooker table has 8 legs.... Honest

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *egWorshipperMan
over a year ago

Gods Country

I've just had one of them new curries, a Tarka Massala, its like a Tikka Massala only Otter.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you hide a horse...

Mascarpone

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan
over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

"I've just had one of them new curries, a Tarka Massala, its like a Tikka Massala only Otter."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread