FabSwingers.com forum: Break up advice

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

About 4 months ago a female friend within my friendship group came out of a relationship with a guy 20 years older than her who was very controlling and has a history of it. At this point we became fwb and started getting closer with lots of obvious flirting and laughter. At 1 point I said I thought I liked her and she said the same. In the time that she had split from the controlling guy he was still stalking her making her life difficult, not giving her space or letting her move on etc. A couple of weeks ago she saw the controlling guy out and has since started to distance herself from me and said she is unsure what she wants etc. A mutual friend has hinted they might be getting closer again as he has spent a lot of time convincing her he has changed that she was part to blame and that some of the reasons for him controlling her then have now gone so it won't happen again. I accept that she may no longer be interested in me but we are in the same friendship circle and don't want things to be wierd or feeling that we cant be out at the same time. Firstly how do i react to the the subtle gentle let downs baring in mind I do like her and she knows it without being emotional and coning across as desperate for her? Do I act as normal but act like I've moved on? If so how? Should I raise it with her even though atm she doesn't know I know although it is becoming obvious? If so what should I say? Something along the lines of "I do know what's going on and whilst I am a little gutted because I do like you it was just fwb, I do feel like we have a laugh together so don't be a stranger because of your new situation." Or should I say something a bit more tongue in cheek or say we should go for no contact. Again I don't want to come across as emotional or beg for her back or tell her she is makingbthe wrong choice. I obviously can't give advice without it seeming like jealousy as i don't think he will change because of his history and I think shevhas been told that but I guess she needs to find out firvherself. I think I need to show that whilst I am a little gutted I don't care enough for it to impact my life. Is that the right attitude? I wamt to remain calm si thst she remembers me in a good way and the good times we had and maybe starts to think she made the wrong choice (im not holding out for this o just don't want the friendship group to fuck up or make people feel like they have to pick sides) Any advice, guidance or other things I should consider would be appreciated. Also if she apologises for what she has done to me how should I act

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Seriously, get a grip. It was a rebound relationship and she's had second thoughts, move on, leave her to it.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Nice guy and thinking forward.

Just say - I know you've got thinking to do but you and me will always be cool.

Everyone's at

on Saturday. See you there. Let me know what you are doing. Bye for now.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Oh .and BTW..... don't be there for her again , unless its just detached sex you want.

You men and your feelings..... fk'n ell.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Firstly paragraphs.

Secondly you paint him so dark that it seems a bit like you're projecting onto him. Ie you want him to be this evil sinister person so that it seems more likely to you you're the good guy/the right guy for her.

Odds are there was very little of what you describe.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Be her friend. If her ex is still a dickhead she might need you. Hide your feelings and just be there for her. It will get easier with time.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Be her friend. If her ex is still a dickhead she might need you. Hide your feelings and just be there for her. It will get easier with time. "

Thanks for this. I think I'm going to say something like we were always clear it was about sex so no hard feelings. Like I said we are in the same friendship group so don't want it to be awkward or one of us feels like we can't do something because the other is there

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Nice guy and thinking forward.

Just say - I know you've got thinking to do but you and me will always be cool.

Everyone's at

on Saturday. See you there. Let me know what you are doing. Bye for now."

Sound advice. I'm just trying to prepare myself for the conversation that's going to happen so I don't look an emotional mess

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I like the suggested message you thought about sending, because it tells her you are interested but it's ok. But also would agree with the comment above if he is controlling etc. she's going to need all her friends. Sadly people often go back to unhealthy abusive relationships, so it's important her friends support her no matter what so if she does go back and later needs to leave she knows she has support without judgement available

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Be her friend. If her ex is still a dickhead she might need you. Hide your feelings and just be there for her. It will get easier with time.

Was it just about sex or do you want a relationship with her?

Either way if it was me I wouldn't say it was just sex. I wouldn't mention the sex at all and just say you're still her friend and you hope she's doing ok. Act normal like you would with any other friend. She might come back to you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Be her friend. If her ex is still a dickhead she might need you. Hide your feelings and just be there for her. It will get easier with time.

Was it just about sex or do you want a relationship with her?

It started out as just sex but then I did start to get feelings for her. The only reason I want to mention that it was just sex is to be clear that I knew the deal despite developing feelings as I think it's weighing on her that she is going to hurt me and i over react. I know my best option is to remain cool and instantly make her think how is this guy so cool about it when the other was an emotional mess

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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

tempted to say tell her you have feelings for her, but aren't gonna let them spoil your friendship.

only thing is this other guy is playing head games and she is falling for them so her head isn't in the right place for love or feelings i think.

dunno really, at least show her what true care is. then she has something better to compare with than the shit she is getting from the other guy.

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By *rueone71Man
over a year ago

Hiding in the Barnes

"About 4 months ago a female friend within my friendship group came out of a relationship with a guy 20 years older than her who was very controlling and has a history of it. At this point we became fwb and started getting closer with lots of obvious flirting and laughter. At 1 point I said I thought I liked her and she said the same. In the time that she had split from the controlling guy he was still stalking her making her life difficult, not giving her space or letting her move on etc. A couple of weeks ago she saw the controlling guy out and has since started to distance herself from me and said she is unsure what she wants etc. A mutual friend has hinted they might be getting closer again as he has spent a lot of time convincing her he has changed that she was part to blame and that some of the reasons for him controlling her then have now gone so it won't happen again. I accept that she may no longer be interested in me but we are in the same friendship circle and don't want things to be wierd or feeling that we cant be out at the same time. Firstly how do i react to the the subtle gentle let downs baring in mind I do like her and she knows it without being emotional and coning across as desperate for her? Do I act as normal but act like I've moved on? If so how? Should I raise it with her even though atm she doesn't know I know although it is becoming obvious? If so what should I say? Something along the lines of "I do know what's going on and whilst I am a little gutted because I do like you it was just fwb, I do feel like we have a laugh together so don't be a stranger because of your new situation." Or should I say something a bit more tongue in cheek or say we should go for no contact. Again I don't want to come across as emotional or beg for her back or tell her she is makingbthe wrong choice. I obviously can't give advice without it seeming like jealousy as i don't think he will change because of his history and I think shevhas been told that but I guess she needs to find out firvherself. I think I need to show that whilst I am a little gutted I don't care enough for it to impact my life. Is that the right attitude? I wamt to remain calm si thst she remembers me in a good way and the good times we had and maybe starts to think she made the wrong choice (im not holding out for this o just don't want the friendship group to fuck up or make people feel like they have to pick sides) Any advice, guidance or other things I should consider would be appreciated. Also if she apologises for what she has done to me how should I act"

Get out of that!! Been there done it.

Honestly? If he still has some power on her means is what she want (aka she has tendency of a sub).

If she want..she will be back; but that only if what you two had was (for her) feeling something more than just FWB.

Good luck

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