FabSwingers.com forum: Does a controlling guy ever change?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My friend recently broke up with a guy because he was controlling. He is 47 and has a history of this. Recently she has started getting closer to him presumably thinking that he has or will change. Is it possible?

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By *ink Panther.Woman
over a year ago

Preston

Highly unlikely

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 17/06/17 12:20:05]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Leopards and spots spring to mind..

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

I very much doubt it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

he's controlling her with his uncontrolling most likely....

hopefully she sees sense

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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum

Nope. My thinking is probably severely biased, but most people with personality disorders don't think they have one, so won't get help to manage them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My ex is certainly doing well in tryin to change now he's in a new relationship. But only cos I gave him a pep talk. If we weren't now friends and he now listens to advice I don't think he would of changed. I'm proud of him.

PTU xxx

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By *iscean MaleMan
over a year ago

Darlaston

Parhaps not.. but if they meet their match its interesting.. My mate came out of a 19 yr violent marriage.. hee ex is now with someone who gives as hard as she gets and he soon mellowed.. not because be has changed but realised he cant be a violent thug with her and get away with it

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By *isaB45Woman
over a year ago

Fabville

No.

Look at the domestic violence homicide statistics...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have never known a guy to change his behaviours long term.

It's usually a deep seated issue which they vehemently deny, therefore there is no helping them.

Sure they can try & show they're changing for the better but it's never a long term thing sadly!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If they partner up with a different person they can.

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By * and M lookingCouple
over a year ago

Worcester

Both of us have experienced this as children growing up, my mom is still married to hers.

Believe us, they never change.

Forget all the anger management flim flam, they are just twisted.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't believe so, my ex husband was very controlling mentally. He's been remarried and divorced. His second wife told me things that were a repeat pattern of his behaviour towards me. His current gf I can tell he is like it with her. So nope , I think it's in someone's DNA to behave like that.

And when you're in that kind of relationship you don't realise until you've left it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nope i dont think so ... i had an ex that would promise to change and it would never happen

The last time (yes there were multiple cause i was an idiot) we got back together i took it really slowly because i was clear that i wouldnt go through the same again and i only let myself open back up when i genuinely thought he had changed ... turns out its not possible to change but they can get better at hiding it ... 6 months later after a little fight about nothing everything came out the woodwork and i was like

how have i still not being seeing this level of crazy and control just hidden under the surface ... that was the final straw for me because i think it scared me how well he was able to conceal it to make me think he had changed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My friend recently broke up with a guy because he was controlling. He is 47 and has a history of this. Recently she has started getting closer to him presumably thinking that he has or will change. Is it possible?"
No. They never will . 13 years of my life I wasted hoping they would change. Feeling too scared to come home . The abuse . The beatings. And eveything else he did to me. Now .....I would never let a man do what he did to me . ??

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By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

I very much doubt it,not if he's been like that for a good while.

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

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By *irginieWoman
over a year ago

Near Marlborough

Yes. People can change and those they are with can learn to use different behaviours to support them.

They have to want it though.

V x

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By *wistedTooCouple
over a year ago

Frimley

Controlling people in general are controlling by nature due to inate jealousy. Not always over sex. Just over the idea that what is theirs may not always be. I have no time for people like that and both of us have had controlling losers in the past and will never allow that shit to ruin our lives again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No. They might bend a little with age or learn to back off a bit if they have an assertive partner though. I speak from painful experience.

There are different ways of being controlling - the "bully" who gets their own way no matter what and the "placid" one who just ignores and does their own thing anyway. Both leave you with no self confidence.

To be avoided.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No they never do

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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago

Highly unlikely I would say.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

I wouldnt hang around to find out

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No I don't think so, my ex was mentally controlling and we all within the household continually walked on eggshells because of his mood swings.

I told myself I was happy but I wasn't really, the things he did to me and the children to exert that control well, no man would ever get away with treating me that way again. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Scientific studies have shown there is neural plasticity and the capacity for degrees of Change through out life. How profound those changes can be, who can say?

Realistically if he's domineering and controling and hasn't actively done anything to change those personality traits, as with most with that personality type it is honey to begin with to lure and ensnare the unwitting then back to behaving in a boorishly controlling manner , destroying the others self esteem and making them so insecure they will accept ill treatment believing"no one else will want them".

She's very foolish, she may have to learn the hard way..

Insanity is doing the same things over again and expecting different results.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Surely it's the person that is being controlled who needs to change ....

No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No it's not...

A leopard never changes its spots...

He is probably faking it because he hated the thought she got away in the first place...

Once he has her back again he will return to his controlling self and make her life even more of a misery

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This thing about leopards and spots is such shit, people change all the time in a myriad of ways.

Unfortunately SOME personality traits are unlikely to change without some big event or professional intervention.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

But wait ... some women don't seem to be able to tell the difference between possesiveness (and all its mates like controlling) and love.

A girlfriend escaped a controling guy after years and then turned up with her new man. He very rapidly showed himself to be the same!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No!

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By *eliciousladyWoman
over a year ago

Sometimes U.K

"Yes. People can change and those they are with can learn to use different behaviours to support them.

They have to want it though.

V x

Agree, only if they want to change themselves.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think people can change, but you're talking about intense therapy, support and medication from loved ones and professionals.

And only then if the person in question is prepared to acknowledge what they are and make the first steps.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"But wait ... some women don't seem to be able to tell the difference between possesiveness (and all its mates like controlling) and love.

A girlfriend escaped a controling guy after years and then turned up with her new man. He very rapidly showed himself to be the same!!

"
Yap....a leopard never change its spots.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

can your friend change so that he doesn't control her?

i think people are susceptible to change but only if they want to or have to. she will have to put in boundaries to stop him. if that doesn't work then no.

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Read 'Sour Face' by M J Cox available on amazon. This will tell you everything about abusive and controlling relationships that any person (male or female) needs to know. I was truly shocked.

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

I think people can grow and change throughout their lives if they truly want to, but it is sometimes a difficult and painful process that requires some courage to face, and sadly controlling people are often the ones who are too damaged to want to change.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No people stay the same only pretend to change

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By *orkie321bWoman
over a year ago

Nottingham

The controlling behaviour is a form of domestic abuse. These people (not only men) don't change, it's just an act to win her back. Once she goes back to him it all starts over again.

I would suggest she looks online at the hidden hurt website (can't share a link, sorry). There is a lot of resources on there and a support forum too. I would also recommend reading "why does he do that" written by Lundy Bancroft. He works with abusers and it gives you an insight into the mind of an abuser and why they won't change.

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