FabSwingers.com forum: Coping tendencies....beverament.

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I know I'm sorry I don't want to put this thread up as a mood killer but more of a curiosity.

How do you deal with a death of a loved one?

Do you really ever get over it 'time will heal' phrase gets spoken so many times.

This month is the 15th year anniversary of my father dying...but to not make anythings easier it is on Father's day then to top it all off its my grandfather's birthday the day before (my father's father) each year...I get progressivally more and more emotional knowing the date is coming up.

So my fellow fabbers I ask you...

How do you cope , deal with loosing a loved one. Do recluse, do you carry on as normal do you do something special on that day to remember them?

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By *appy squirrelWoman
over a year ago

Norwich

I can't speak from personal experience thankfully but know a lot of people who especially after a longer time find it very helpful to go to bereavement groups.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

I can't answer in so much as a very close relative, I have lost a cousin my age though. We try to do something for charity, or Great Ormand Street as they cared for him for many years.

He was an avid fundraiser and we want to continue where he left off. I think it helps doing something we know he'd be proud of.

Celebrate the time you had, rather than mourn the time you didn't. Far easier said than done, I know.

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

My mother died recently (March) and I compartmentalise. I think I've done it for so long it becomes second nature. You never get over it but you can cope with it to such an extent it doesn't affect me much.

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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

think i just accept it. i really miss my cousin, we were very close, and she died 14 yrs ago next month but it does not distress me to think about her.

i cry a lot for the first few months after someone dies and then after that it gets easier, 1st anniversary quite hard but after that i feel like the above.

no idea what would work for someone else or if that would? everyone is different.

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By *elloIntrigueMan
over a year ago

North West UK

"I know I'm sorry I don't want to put this thread up as a mood killer but more of a curiosity.

How do you deal with a death of a loved one?

Do you really ever get over it 'time will heal' phrase gets spoken so many times.

So my fellow fabbers I ask you...

How do you cope , deal with loosing a loved one. Do recluse, do you carry on as normal do you do something special on that day to remember them?

The time I feel the loss of loved ones is definitely Christmas and New Year. I tend not to celebrate either in the same way. That is my coping plan.

On both days I tend to find that other work is very productive.

When it gets close to both I'd sooner do things for someone else to take my mind off it. I volunteer at the local hospital radio station and find that I also do more hours at that time of year.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've pm'd you sweetie xx

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

15 years for me to and I'm still trying to figure it out. Ever year I just close myself off as I became so moody even though I know I'm doing it I can't stop myself so I've realised I'm better off alone.

No help I know sweet but your not alone x

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By *iss.HoneyWoman
over a year ago

...

It's awful.

I'll pm you x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I can't speak from personal experience thankfully but know a lot of people who especially after a longer time find it very helpful to go to bereavement groups.

xx"

It's something I've never thought about going to if I'm honest.

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

From person experience I've just had to get on with my life, for my children if nothing else.

Take every day as it comes.

I still talk to my mum it's been 2 years now and I'm still finding it hard but not as hard as I did.

Big hugs x x

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple
over a year ago

Basingstoke

I think it depends on how you see death. Do you choose to believe in some sort of afterlife? Personally i do, it's not a matter of fact subject that anyone can prove there is or isn't one. I think of my friends that have died as having crossed over before me, but one day i will cross over too and i hope to be with them again in a different place.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I can't answer in so much as a very close relative, I have lost a cousin my age though. We try to do something for charity, or Great Ormand Street as they cared for him for many years.

He was an avid fundraiser and we want to continue where he left off. I think it helps doing something we know he'd be proud of.

Celebrate the time you had, rather than mourn the time you didn't. Far easier said than done, I know. "

Thank you. Oh I have a huge amount of good, fun and silly memories it's just the hurt that still lingers. I'm sure that your cousin would be very proud that you continue on his fundraising

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You never get over it ........ You learn to live with it as time pass . 4 Years on and I am missing him and will always .. He was my dad and I loved him .

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By *orkshire biMan
over a year ago

elland

I've lost both my parents in the last 3 years. I still speak to them everyday and I shake my head in disbelief at what's happened. I don't think you ever get over them you just cope. I find it easier if I keep busy a lot of the time and it stops my mind wondering.

I hope that helps.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My mother died recently (March) and I compartmentalise. I think I've done it for so long it becomes second nature. You never get over it but you can cope with it to such an extent it doesn't affect me much. "

I'm very sorry to hear this PB.

I do this a little... I become quite on the day. Emotional and just really a mess even after the number of years.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"think i just accept it. i really miss my cousin, we were very close, and she died 14 yrs ago next month but it does not distress me to think about her.

i cry a lot for the first few months after someone dies and then after that it gets easier, 1st anniversary quite hard but after that i feel like the above.

no idea what would work for someone else or if that would? everyone is different."

Oh goodness yes of course. It's always hard at first. The 1st anniversary especially. I'm sorry for your loss.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I'm very sorry to hear this PB.

I do this a little... I become quite on the day. Emotional and just really a mess even after the number of years.

Sorry not PB

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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

"think i just accept it. i really miss my cousin, we were very close, and she died 14 yrs ago next month but it does not distress me to think about her.

i cry a lot for the first few months after someone dies and then after that it gets easier, 1st anniversary quite hard but after that i feel like the above.

no idea what would work for someone else or if that would? everyone is different.

Oh goodness yes of course. It's always hard at first. The 1st anniversary especially. I'm sorry for your loss.

i'm ok, but thanks. hope you find something that helps you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I know I'm sorry I don't want to put this thread up as a mood killer but more of a curiosity.

How do you deal with a death of a loved one?

Do you really ever get over it 'time will heal' phrase gets spoken so many times.

So my fellow fabbers I ask you...

How do you cope , deal with loosing a loved one. Do recluse, do you carry on as normal do you do something special on that day to remember them?

The time I feel the loss of loved ones is definitely Christmas and New Year. I tend not to celebrate either in the same way. That is my coping plan.

On both days I tend to find that other work is very productive.

When it gets close to both I'd sooner do things for someone else to take my mind off it. I volunteer at the local hospital radio station and find that I also do more hours at that time of year."

Oh I'm so very sorry. This is something I did in the first 4 years, my mother took his death very hard and became very reclusive I then took on here role in the house so to speak.

I think it's only now as an adult I'm opening up more with his passing.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I've pm'd you sweetie xx"

Thank you xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"15 years for me to and I'm still trying to figure it out. Ever year I just close myself off as I became so moody even though I know I'm doing it I can't stop myself so I've realised I'm better off alone.

No help I know sweet but your not alone x"

Thank you Blady x I just wish with all my heart I could speak to him again.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It's awful.

I'll pm you x"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"From person experience I've just had to get on with my life, for my children if nothing else.

Take every day as it comes.

I still talk to my mum it's been 2 years now and I'm still finding it hard but not as hard as I did.

Big hugs x x "

Thank you lovely lady. I'm sorry for your loss

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By *effrey45Man
over a year ago

Lytham

Reflection and sadness is a sign that a loved one had a great influence on your life. Try to be grateful for the gifts they gave you, perhaps I was fortunate as my mum had enjoyed a very long and fulfilled life that was appreciated greatly- my dad is still around and he just gets more fuss from the family to keep him going

So, having something to focus on is a great help

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think it depends on how you see death. Do you choose to believe in some sort of afterlife? Personally i do, it's not a matter of fact subject that anyone can prove there is or isn't one. I think of my friends that have died as having crossed over before me, but one day i will cross over too and i hope to be with them again in a different place. "

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend

It's something I'm certainly not apposed to. My mother does tarot and runes. Something as silly as the day I took my very first driving lesson..I drove past the cemetery...the road he took his last journey. Something and don't know what.made me think ....he'll be watching over me.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"You never get over it ........ You learn to live with it as time pass . 4 Years on and I am missing him and will always .. He was my dad and I loved him ."

I'm sorry for your loss

I don't think you ever do no. I miss my father immensly.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I've lost both my parents in the last 3 years. I still speak to them everyday and I shake my head in disbelief at what's happened. I don't think you ever get over them you just cope. I find it easier if I keep busy a lot of the time and it stops my mind wondering.

I hope that helps."

Oh goodness I'm sorry

Thank you. I do tend to busy myself this week so far especially but it will be the weekend..the waking up knowing the date..

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Reflection and sadness is a sign that a loved one had a great influence on your life. Try to be grateful for the gifts they gave you, perhaps I was fortunate as my mum had enjoyed a very long and fulfilled life that was appreciated greatly- my dad is still around and he just gets more fuss from the family to keep him going

So, having something to focus on is a great help"

Oh he certainly did. Although he was my step father to me he was my father. I idolised him.

Thank you. I'm also sorry for your loss.

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

"From person experience I've just had to get on with my life, for my children if nothing else.

Take every day as it comes.

I still talk to my mum it's been 2 years now and I'm still finding it hard but not as hard as I did.

Big hugs x x

We look lost Dicks mum and mine within 6 months, we have each other to help us over the bad days x

Thank you lovely lady. I'm sorry for your loss

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

I think it's different for everyone SS. For me losing both of my parents 9 years apart when I was very young has had a huge influence on my life. People say it gets easier but I don't think it does, you just learn to hide it better.

Please feel free to pm me if you wish x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've not lost a loved one. Grandparents died when I was young and can't remember it. I cried uncontrollably when a lady who was influential in my life died. (She helped me make some wise choices in life)

I'm not sure how I'll manage if someone close will die. But life will go on, it always will.

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

No help I know sweet but your not alone x

Thank you Blady x I just wish with all my heart I could speak to him again.

I so know that feeling

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By *a Fee VerteWoman
over a year ago

Limbo

"I know I'm sorry I don't want to put this thread up as a mood killer but more of a curiosity.

How do you deal with a death of a loved one?

Do you really ever get over it 'time will heal' phrase gets spoken so many times.

So my fellow fabbers I ask you...

How do you cope , deal with loosing a loved one. Do recluse, do you carry on as normal do you do something special on that day to remember them?

I don't think the death of someone you loved is something you can ever possibly 'get over' - instead, you find a way of living with the fact that they're no longer around. Obviously this is something so extremely personal, so not surprisingly reaching this 'acceptance' stage can vary from person to person significantly. My dad died almost 26 years ago and although I think about him a lot still, those thoughts don't generally affect day to day life ... sometimes though, particular reminders, or, occasions when I could really do with his counsel and support, pull me up sharp and I can get very upset indeed when I remember he's not here any more (yes, even now, I have split second moments when I 'forget'!)

I guess I'm quite lucky in that special dates aren't usually upsetting for me - the upset is liable to come at any time, as described above. I often tend to get maudlin when I think he never knew my children more than anything. So, no, I don't tend to 'mark' anniversaries because I remember him all the time. Though I'm not sure how I'll feel this year because I'm almost at the point where I will have known my dad alive for less time than he's been dead, if that makes sense

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

my mum passed 3 and a bit years ago and I still think about her every day..

I don't think you ever fully get over it, you just learn to accept it a little bit more as time goes on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

dad passed away last monday, the result of a 14 month scrap with a brain tumour and seeing him go from himself to barely a shadow of himself over that time helped temper me for when he went. he slept comfortably for seven days before he passed away and come monday my sister and i sat holding his hands and he just breathed in twice and stopped..he looked chill after he went.

he didn't need any major drugs, no morphine, no syringe drivers or anything like that, no drip, just himself at home as he'd have liked. seeing this process every day and being with him through it all helped me greatly.

he didn't complain once either..not one time and that's fair inspiration for me too

well played old man

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By *uckOfTheBayMan
over a year ago

Mold

I raise a glass in their honour and try and do something that they would have enjoyed

Shared memories are the best and to be celebrated

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's been 22 years since I lost my little sister. I seem to handle most of the year ok but as she died the day before my birthday I don't celebrate my birthday. My kids don't understand why I never do a lot about my birthday.

I do tend to get wound up and able to put up with crap in the week or so before.

Always try to remember the good things

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By *orny IrishMan
over a year ago

Rural Wiltshire

I fully understand what you are saying. It is nine years since dad died and I find special times very tough. I try to put a brave face on fathers day for my two sons as they will make it a big deal for me. But what we do the three of us is get a helium balloon and release it and the boys say its going up to heaven to granda. That helps them and seeing them helps me.

If you want to chat anytime message me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is in no way flippant and an individual coping mechanism but after both parents individual died I grieved momentuly then took a deep breath and concentrated on those left behind. In the case of my mother k held her hand as she'd died, said goodbye cried a little then walked a way, I didn't even want to attend the funeral, we were brought up like that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We lost our dad last October, and my brother and sister have spent many hours crying and grieving for him. I've not shed a tear.

We're all different and there's no set way to grieve. Whatever you feel is right for you go with it. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lost my dad 3 years ago and he was my best friend in the world. I changed as a person, felt older....scarred...and miss him all the time....i doubt this will go. But I can smile now with my kids ....loved ones help xx

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

I choose to do something life affirming on the anniversary of my son's death.

My mother died in November and for what would have been her birthday a couple of months later we had a meal in her honour and raised a glass. For Mother's Day I got some flowers she would have liked. The big one was Easter, as she was very religious, so I made a donation to charity in her name to honour her charitable giving.

We all find a way but if we get stuck in grief it can help to get some counselling to explore what we are scared of by letting go.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wrote out a whole answer, but it felt too personal

I think time makes things easier but it never really heals all. I remember those I miss when I'm doing or thinking about the things they believed in.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I lost my younger sister a couple of years ago, very suddenly and unexpected in quite tragic circumstances (she had just turned 20), the first year was a total blur and we coped because we had to cope but now I seem to cope by pretending that it isn't happening. I speak of her daily and on birthdays and anniversaries we go on holiday so I don't have to see my bereaved parents and other siblings and stand at her graveside feeling sad. Probably not a great coping strategy but it works for me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The only thing that helped me was to cry when i felt like crying, remember them often and especially the good times, the funny times. Know that they will always be with you, in your heart and that it's ok to miss them.

Time makes remembering them easier, but also harder. Easier because the pain and hurt of remembering them and being reminded of the loss, is not as sharp. But harder because memories sometimes fade.

I love having photos around, although i know some people don't like lots of photos, but it helps to look at a photo and ot just remember the person, but remember that time which brings forward other memories, which hopefully are lovely ones.

Hope that makes sense? xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There are no words anyone can say that don't sound banal either at the time or even years later. Sometimes even the look in someone's eyes can destroy you completely.

Saying it gets better with time...it doesn't it gets further away that's all.

Everyone's experience is different and even accepting their is a natural order to life and it's ending does not change that sense of loss.

Everyone will have different coping mechanisms and those that work for me won't work for others but sometimes the man cave or woman cave and that time for memories reflections and remembering are essential no matter what time of year it is.

I'm sorry for your loss OP I send angels to watch over you and wish for you that you find your own way that's all ant of us can do x

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By *imiUKMan
over a year ago

Hereford

Disclaimer: I realise that I'm weird and not many people think like me, but...

Death is inevitable, it is a part of life. It will happen to everyone. The thing that would affect me is if somebody suffered, and not so much that they died. Think on him with fondness, and know, in time all things pass, you included.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its been 10 years since my dad died.

I was grieving a year before my father passed away, to cancer. I had seen a strong well built handsome father just disappear and grow weak. That was the toughest time seeing him so vunerable and in pain.

Yes it was totally unexpected to hear whilst i was on holiday he had passed away (as he wasnt bedridden and still out and about) but given the circumstances he died peacefully and was no longer in any pain. I have fond memories but I do not grieve anymore and stopped greiving a few weeks after he passed.

Maybe my relationship with my dad wasnt enough to miss him as much as some other people miss their parents. Sounds very cold I know but having been through tough times as kids we never really had the closest relationship with our dad.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I grieved at the time but then just forced myself to get on with life. They instilled a strong sense of "doing your duty to others" and there are always others dependant on you.

I cannot now even remember the exact date but will occasionally find something sparks a memory and it hurts like hell. But then the living need me so I put a smile on my face and do the right thing as they would have wanted.

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By *egasus NobMan
over a year ago

Merton

"Disclaimer: I realise that I'm weird and not many people think like me, but...

Not weird at all situation gets more difficult if you don't own up to your mortality. Then again I'm always the weird one.

Life goes on everything we know will eventually die and end one day. I suppose it will be harder if you were very close to him because you will feel like you missed out sharing laughs, conversations, and argument strangely to build character. The absent of a love one is something you don't really get over rather remember things they did, say the good, bad and even ugly. I was in similar position I lost both parent in my early teen two different situation how i'm still here amaze me at times.

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By *eadyforachangeWoman
over a year ago

Second star to the right, and straight on till morning.

I yield to it & take time out to do what feels right for me on the day. Memories of happy times are always the strongest and I embrace that.

Often dream about my mum and how she would stroke my face and I can still feel that.

As for my dad it's the vision of him coming in from work and the smell of machine oil that stays with me.

Accept sadness will happen but that it will pass. xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do you ever get over it.....NO

Time heals.....YES the wound heals yet leaves a scar that can cause pain in your heart xxx

Combine it with your other triggers for around that time intensifies your emotions.

Be gentle on yourself even after 15 years.

As a suggestion go out with a "bestie" on the anniversary (as the date won't fade from your memory now) and celebrate in a big way, find an event that's on, the races, the london wheel, a fancy dinner, go air ballooning, buy a piece of antique jewellery and celebrate with cake and bubbly......

make it an event.....

can you imagine his smiles at seeing you enjoying the gift of life he gave you....especially on that day.......BIG HUGS DARLING

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By *riskynriskyCouple
over a year ago

Essex.

Think about talking to a counsellor, it often helps to talk to someone who is not personally involed.

They may also be able to help you with coping strategies to help you through the worst of it...

Hope this helps...x

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By *annyLovesLynneMan
over a year ago

carlisle glasgow

Well I lost my late partner 15 year ago she left behind 5 kids 4 hers and our son I brought up her kids as my own and if I didn't have them I would have been in a bad way almost all of the kids have kids of their own now and I'm a grandad so it's given me something to focus on and now the kids have all left home I'd like to find someone else but it's hard when I feel guilty bringing someone to our house so will see how it goes , my kids want me to find someone else but it's hard when their mum was a right gem of a woman no one can compare. Sorry for rambling on but try find something to focus on for me it was bringing up the kids and now the gran kids . But no it hasn't got easier for me I miss my partner more at time goes on and just think though how lucky I am to have the kids ( well they are adults now) as I would have been a mess otherwise .

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you all for your kind ant thoughtful comments and pms also.

I read through this thread and my heart goes out to each and everyone of you who have lost a loved one or friend.

I've never really thought about talking to a counsellor, I guess it's something I've just tried to learn to deal with... put on the brave face as such. Yes I could talk to my mother...and I know I can but sometimes

But only listening today's news only brings it closer to home as to how much you should tell your loved ones how much you love them.

I'm sorry I'm not brilliant with words when writing about my feelings.

Thank you fabbers

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Thank you all for your kind ant thoughtful comments and pms also.

I read through this thread and my heart goes out to each and everyone of you who have lost a loved one or friend.

But only listening today's news only brings it closer to home as to how much you should tell your loved ones how much you love them.

I'm sorry I'm not brilliant with words when writing about my feelings.

Thank you fabbers

it would help if I finished my sentence

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By *annyLovesLynneMan
over a year ago

carlisle glasgow

Talking helps a lot I spoke to a woman from cruise when my parter died helped a lot im not sure if they are still about as was a long time ago now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mum died 11 years ago and was ill for 7 years before that. I talk about her with my dad and brother and remember the happy times. On the anniversary I take flowers to her grave and thank her for helping make me the woman I have become. When times are bad I imagine she is there with her arms wrapped around me. I hope you find peace OP. Take good care.

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By *yldstyleWoman
over a year ago

A world of my own

I lost my dad in 2011 and I'm not sure I have coped with it. I've had to just get on with life. Which in a way possibly helps me. However I'm still very emotional a lot of the time. I've completely broken down just at hearing songs he loved or thinking about things. The anniversary is hard for me too. I try not to dwell on it. And keep as busy as possible.

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By *r GaltMan
over a year ago

worcester

I lost both my parents years ago now I time does heal... You don't forget them, I just have a few regrets they didn't get to see more of their beautiful grandchildren growing up..

I recently had a near death experience which has brought home my own mortality. I've been lucky till now and had a good life so have always told my children not to regret but be happy for the time I've had. Hopefully this will help them cope when I do eventually go. Try to have no regrets and look forward not back?

Very best wishes

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By *egasus NobMan
over a year ago

Merton

Talking to a counsellor will help and i'd suggest bring it up with your mum. It helps deepen your relationship and i'm sure she'll understand.

Alternatively there might be other groups out there who shares the same feelings Facebook groups, meet ups.

Does help if you have something to remember him by or belonging to your dad which you can cherish photos, handwriting, speech pattern, dress sense.

hugs x

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By *axandbooCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

Counsellors can help work through certain aspects. Lots of anonymous places you can talk online too.

For what its worth, my dad passed away 15 years ago and still miss him.

Time doesnt heal all wounds, you just cope better over time with it.

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By *axandbooCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

Is it ok to pm you OP?

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By *riskynriskyCouple
over a year ago

Essex.

"Thank you all for your kind ant thoughtful comments and pms also.

I read through this thread and my heart goes out to each and everyone of you who have lost a loved one or friend.

But only listening today's news only brings it closer to home as to how much you should tell your loved ones how much you love them.

I'm sorry I'm not brilliant with words when writing about my feelings.

Thank you fabbers

it would help if I finished my sentence

Being far from a counsellor, maybe the pain due to not grieving fully at the time.

Initially there would be pain but it could lead to you being able to look back on the happy times without the pain in the long term...

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By *ola cubesMan
over a year ago

coatbridge

Acceptance that someone has moved on I seem to be lucky I miss those who pass but I get that its the one certainty we all have

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Is it ok to pm you OP? "
sorry...yes it's fine

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