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why do I feel SO lost?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I am sorry if this post appears a little confusing and long.

I will try to summarise as best as I can, but it is rather a long story!

I've had an extremely difficult few years, it's been one big issue after another in the last 5 years, some of which almost broke me.

I had counselling for the issues I faced which were causing pain and anxiety and sorted my life out/got back on track a few years ago now.

I also relocated to try and get a 'fresh start'. I was initially very happy in the area I moved to.

I remained employed by the same company I've been with for years and had a promotion when I transferred. That meant a slight increase in wage and some stability so that I had some comfort in that not everything changed when I moved.

I was already a member of Fab, but joined at a friend's recommendation and was nosey rather than active for a while. Not having the confidence or courage to do anything for a while.

I decided that it was time to move on some time after i had settled in my new home and arranged some meets and dates from other websites....the first of any 'activity' for a while.

One of the meets was a bad one with the guy in question turning out to be a prick and hurting me physically and emotionally.

After that I took a step back and didn't meet for a little while.

Also a little more careful about who I meet.

A few months on, I get chatting to a charming, well educated, gorgeous, caring guy from here and we immediately click in so many ways.

Right from the start, the connection was sizzling.

He gave me so much confidence (which I don't have much of) and made me feel like a Queen. He constantly messaged me saying that I am beautiful/sexy/gorgeous etc.

I believed from what he said that he was genuine and sincere especially given the amount of time and effort he invested in me.

One huge problem - he's married. To be fair, he did tell me right from the start.

I wrestled with my conscience and morals no end to try and decide what to do, but even at that early stage, the connection was so strong it was undeniable.

He said that he loves his wife, but they have sex infrequently. She does not want it, but otherwise their marriage is good.

He also said that his wife is aware what he is doing, but does not want details and as long as it doesn't interfere with the family, she is ok with it.

He was always honest and answered any of my questions when I asked.

He works away for 4 weeks at a time. So just before his last work trip, we met briefly, a social.

We kept in touch while he was away all the time and would exchange photos, videos, messages a lot.

We arranged to meet on the night of his return to the UK and were going to spend the night together. Both so excited.

About a week prior to his return, I was in a foul mood due to some work issues and i had far too much wine! I got extremely jealous and insecure and some of the messages etc got a little heated.

He wouldn't respond for ages and when he did, he said that I had hurt him with my comments. He had always tried to be honest and 'be there' for me and that he had been dying to spend the night with me, but now he is not sure that it's a good idea for either of us because it is placing a moral burden on me and asking me to lower my standards. Also that he doesn't want to hurt me and i deserve so much more than a married man.

We didn't communicate much after that, we both needed space, but it killed me and i missed his messages.

I ended up sending him a message saying 'sorry, but this isn't going to work, thanking him and wishing him all the best.

He returned a couple of days ago and he has been in touch....

First communication for over a week.

We spoke for ages on the phone and we've exchanged a few messages.

The problem is that I still want him SO much.

We have things on a sort of 'friendship' basis right now and when I spoke to him and asked him why he cheats (his wife is v pretty) he kind-of broke down and admitted that he doesn't know and he needs to sort his marriage out and stop.

He said that he was going to have a long conversation with his wife, be totally honest and try and sort things out.

ironically he said that I gave him the kick up the arse he needed and "called him out" on his behaviour.

So we have rarely messaged the last couple of days. Though to be fair, he had travelled from almost the other side of the world and was worn out and jet lagged.

We are supposed to be having a social meet as friends at some stage in the future, but I am not sure if that is a good idea becaie my feelings are too strong.

I feel lost, hurt, angry and I almost don't know what to do with myself lately.

I'm shattered emotionally. The connection we had was sooòoo strong for the both of us, but now I feel like he doesn't give a damn and was just using me to ease the boredom and loniliness of being away from home. I feel like I meant nothing to him. I am not sure how to dig myself out of this shit mood I been in for days.

Sorry it's so long, thank you for reading. Any advice appreciated.

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By *loswingersCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

So you knew he was married from the start , and there's the first problem . You were clearly in a pretty bad place before this illicit affair , and of course it was going to make things worse , but you went ahead .

Life has a habit of throwing all manner of different opportunities at us . Some helpful , some useful , some amazing , but some are just obviously best left . This was one of them . There are plenty of available single men who would enrich your life . This guy will just make your life miserable .

It's your own fault , as you admit , and you are old enough to know better . As hard as it may be you have to get out of this situation , take stock , and get real . You make your own luck by making wise choices , work and the rest of your life seem great , and you're messing it up by choosing to embark on this kind of relationship .

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

It's a difficult one OP and one to which there are no easy answers, whilst this site is about NSA, by the very nature of the fact that it IS also about forming sexual connections, albeit fleeting ones for most, it's easy to see how deeper seated bonds can form.

My advice to you, which may sound harsh, but under the circumstances is the best advice I can give, would be to cut all contact with this guy, block his profile and try and move on. I know that's not easily done, and know ot will hurt, but all the while you're in contact with him, swapping messages, looking at his profile and pics, you're hurting yourself more.

He may be genuine in all that he says, but it sounds like he has his own issues to deal with, and indirectly burdening you with them is not going to help you in any way.

I'd also give consideration to stepping away from the site for a while, at least until emotionally you feel ready to come back to it.

Again, sorry if any of that sounds harsh, it's not meant to at all.

Good luck whatever you decide

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sometimes peoples situations and feelings are complex. I don't think it's as simple a case as him having lied to you necessarily. Often it may be easier to get closure on and move on from if he had.

You're both doing the best you can in a complicated situation. You're both likely projecting onto each other a need for something wonderful with each other due to not being fully content with your own situations, and that bubble you can create with someone is addictive but not necessarily steeped in reality, yet hold a truth of its own. It's not necessarily someone manipulating the other (although that can be the case) but you both creating and fuelling an escape/fantasy you both desire.

It can translate into reality. You may get a happy ending. It can just as easily be an escape for a time and come to a healthy end, and it can also cause hurt too, or not even have legs as when you meet the fantasy may have been more fulfilling than the actuality.

Advice? There's no one way of progressing. Only you know how the weighing up of the options will look best to you.

Personally? And this isn't prescription to you or judgement....I hope I'd have the strength to not proceed, but I'm not in that situation, so that's theorising at best.

Tough stuff, sending you strength.

One thing I know though, we are all worthy of love and intimacy. I hope you find it, wherever it may be.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He might be feeling guilty. He might be spending time with his wife as he's been away so long. He might be jetlagged. All reasons why he might not have been in touch. He needs to look after himself same as you need to look after yourself.

Is there any way you can still be friends? The sexual tension may still be there but if the friendship is strong enough it could still work. Sounds like you need him as a friend more than 'a shag' anyway.

Do things to keep you busy. Things you enjoy. Take your mind off it. Hope you feel better. x

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"So you knew he was married from the start , and there's the first problem . You were clearly in a pretty bad place before this illicit affair , and of course it was going to make things worse , but you went ahead .

Life has a habit of throwing all manner of different opportunities at us . Some helpful , some useful , some amazing , but some are just obviously best left . This was one of them . There are plenty of available single men who would enrich your life . This guy will just make your life miserable .

It's your own fault , as you admit , and you are old enough to know better . As hard as it may be you have to get out of this situation , take stock , and get real . You make your own luck by making wise choices , work and the rest of your life seem great , and you're messing it up by choosing to embark on this kind of relationship ."

It was not something I took on in a whim and just went ahead with for the hell of it.

I wrestled and fought with the morality issues and yes of course some of it did not sit right.

Did I feel guilty - hell yes, but we had not been intimate (not that I am condoning it) and the connection was burning.

We both said that it was so intense and indescribable and it was difficult to ignore.

My life is so far from - good, it's bloody hard.

All I can say is that it felt right. I'm not defending either of our actions, we were wrong.

In a lot of ways, I wish that I had never got chatting to him, but I don't need anyone's 'judgement'.

I'm fighting with myself and feeling shit enough already thanks.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"So you knew he was married from the start , and there's the first problem . You were clearly in a pretty bad place before this illicit affair , and of course it was going to make things worse , but you went ahead .

Life has a habit of throwing all manner of different opportunities at us . Some helpful , some useful , some amazing , but some are just obviously best left . This was one of them . There are plenty of available single men who would enrich your life . This guy will just make your life miserable .

It's your own fault , as you admit , and you are old enough to know better . As hard as it may be you have to get out of this situation , take stock , and get real . You make your own luck by making wise choices , work and the rest of your life seem great , and you're messing it up by choosing to embark on this kind of relationship .

It was not something I took on in a whim and just went ahead with for the hell of it.

I wrestled and fought with the morality issues and yes of course some of it did not sit right.

Did I feel guilty - hell yes, but we had not been intimate (not that I am condoning it) and the connection was burning.

We both said that it was so intense and indescribable and it was difficult to ignore.

My life is so far from - good, it's bloody hard.

All I can say is that it felt right. I'm not defending either of our actions, we were wrong.

In a lot of ways, I wish that I had never got chatting to him, but I don't need anyone's 'judgement'.

I'm fighting with myself and feeling shit enough already thanks. "

As for "decent single men", don't you think that I would be with someone 'available' rather than put myself through this anguish if i could??

It sounds ridiculous - I know - but I can honestly say that I have never felt such an intense, crazy connection as this and I don't know how to handle it.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

My advice is to seek support and nourishment away from involvement with people who aren't fully available. There's some shorter term healing and longer term rebuilding of yourself and esteem that appears may be needed.

And potentially a few decisions about what is right and what isn't, within your life.

Enhance your life with other pleasures, types of relationships and what is needed to regain your strength again

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By *iss.HoneyWoman
over a year ago

...

You'll get there.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

It's really difficult when real feelings creep into fab stuff, harder I think when you're a single on here and you meet someone who you feel a deep connection with.

In your situation OP the chap is married and probably knew from the very beginning his boundaries with you. But did you?

I think the best thing would be to limit contact and not meet him, even if it is just socially. It sounds to me you felt more for him than he did you. The longer you keep thinking about him the harder it's going to be for you.

I would of questioned him saying he was going to spend his first night home with you when he has a wife, unless of course he lied to her about the date he returned.

Good luck OP x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So what exactly do you want us to say? You are choosing to remain involved in a situation that is only going to cause you pain. Make a different choice.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would stop having any communication of any kind with him although im sure that will prove hard for you.

Then i would simply get on with life.

It will all be ok in the end.

Good luck.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So what exactly do you want us to say? You are choosing to remain involved in a situation that is only going to cause you pain. Make a different choice.

"

No, OP is asking for advice. Doesn't mean she has to take it or can't discuss it.

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By *loswingersCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester


"So you knew he was married from the start , and there's the first problem . You were clearly in a pretty bad place before this illicit affair , and of course it was going to make things worse , but you went ahead .

Life has a habit of throwing all manner of different opportunities at us . Some helpful , some useful , some amazing , but some are just obviously best left . This was one of them . There are plenty of available single men who would enrich your life . This guy will just make your life miserable .

It's your own fault , as you admit , and you are old enough to know better . As hard as it may be you have to get out of this situation , take stock , and get real . You make your own luck by making wise choices , work and the rest of your life seem great , and you're messing it up by choosing to embark on this kind of relationship .

It was not something I took on in a whim and just went ahead with for the hell of it.

I wrestled and fought with the morality issues and yes of course some of it did not sit right.

Did I feel guilty - hell yes, but we had not been intimate (not that I am condoning it) and the connection was burning.

We both said that it was so intense and indescribable and it was difficult to ignore.

My life is so far from - good, it's bloody hard.

All I can say is that it felt right. I'm not defending either of our actions, we were wrong.

In a lot of ways, I wish that I had never got chatting to him, but I don't need anyone's 'judgement'.

I'm fighting with myself and feeling shit enough already thanks.

As for "decent single men", don't you think that I would be with someone 'available' rather than put myself through this anguish if i could??

It sounds ridiculous - I know - but I can honestly say that I have never felt such an intense, crazy connection as this and I don't know how to handle it."

I'm not judging you , I'm merely responding to your predicament .

As hard as it is , you know you've fucked up .

Sorry you think I'm making things worse , but sometimes the truth hurts . A strangers opinion may appear to be hurtful , judgemental and harsh , but you know that no one will tell you to carry on doing what you're doing . It'll get worse and you'll be far worse than you already are .

Please just do this one thing , believe in yourself and value yourself more than you do . Of course there are unattached guys out there looking for more than a one off . This may not be the best place to find them , but they are out there .

You need to add good things to your life , and although the connection you feel with this guy is intense , it's never going to be reciprocated .

You know you are worth more than that .

 (thread closed by moderator)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So what exactly do you want us to say? You are choosing to remain involved in a situation that is only going to cause you pain. Make a different choice.

No, OP is asking for advice. Doesn't mean she has to take it or can't discuss it."

She's been given advice and didn't like it. The solution is obvious, albeit painful, and entirely her own decision to take.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So you knew he was married from the start , and there's the first problem . You were clearly in a pretty bad place before this illicit affair , and of course it was going to make things worse , but you went ahead .

Life has a habit of throwing all manner of different opportunities at us . Some helpful , some useful , some amazing , but some are just obviously best left . This was one of them . There are plenty of available single men who would enrich your life . This guy will just make your life miserable .

It's your own fault , as you admit , and you are old enough to know better . As hard as it may be you have to get out of this situation , take stock , and get real . You make your own luck by making wise choices , work and the rest of your life seem great , and you're messing it up by choosing to embark on this kind of relationship .

It was not something I took on in a whim and just went ahead with for the hell of it.

I wrestled and fought with the morality issues and yes of course some of it did not sit right.

Did I feel guilty - hell yes, but we had not been intimate (not that I am condoning it) and the connection was burning.

We both said that it was so intense and indescribable and it was difficult to ignore.

My life is so far from - good, it's bloody hard.

All I can say is that it felt right. I'm not defending either of our actions, we were wrong.

In a lot of ways, I wish that I had never got chatting to him, but I don't need anyone's 'judgement'.

I'm fighting with myself and feeling shit enough already thanks.

As for "decent single men", don't you think that I would be with someone 'available' rather than put myself through this anguish if i could??

It sounds ridiculous - I know - but I can honestly say that I have never felt such an intense, crazy connection as this and I don't know how to handle it.

I'm not judging you , I'm merely responding to your predicament .

As hard as it is , you know you've fucked up .

Sorry you think I'm making things worse , but sometimes the truth hurts . A strangers opinion may appear to be hurtful , judgemental and harsh , but you know that no one will tell you to carry on doing what you're doing . It'll get worse and you'll be far worse than you already are .

Please just do this one thing , believe in yourself and value yourself more than you do . Of course there are unattached guys out there looking for more than a one off . This may not be the best place to find them , but they are out there .

You need to add good things to your life , and although the connection you feel with this guy is intense , it's never going to be reciprocated .

You know you are worth more than that ."

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"So you knew he was married from the start , and there's the first problem . You were clearly in a pretty bad place before this illicit affair , and of course it was going to make things worse , but you went ahead .

Life has a habit of throwing all manner of different opportunities at us . Some helpful , some useful , some amazing , but some are just obviously best left . This was one of them . There are plenty of available single men who would enrich your life . This guy will just make your life miserable .

It's your own fault , as you admit , and you are old enough to know better . As hard as it may be you have to get out of this situation , take stock , and get real . You make your own luck by making wise choices , work and the rest of your life seem great , and you're messing it up by choosing to embark on this kind of relationship .

It was not something I took on in a whim and just went ahead with for the hell of it.

I wrestled and fought with the morality issues and yes of course some of it did not sit right.

Did I feel guilty - hell yes, but we had not been intimate (not that I am condoning it) and the connection was burning.

We both said that it was so intense and indescribable and it was difficult to ignore.

My life is so far from - good, it's bloody hard.

All I can say is that it felt right. I'm not defending either of our actions, we were wrong.

In a lot of ways, I wish that I had never got chatting to him, but I don't need anyone's 'judgement'.

I'm fighting with myself and feeling shit enough already thanks.

As for "decent single men", don't you think that I would be with someone 'available' rather than put myself through this anguish if i could??

It sounds ridiculous - I know - but I can honestly say that I have never felt such an intense, crazy connection as this and I don't know how to handle it.

I'm not judging you , I'm merely responding to your predicament .

As hard as it is , you know you've fucked up .

Sorry you think I'm making things worse , but sometimes the truth hurts . A strangers opinion may appear to be hurtful , judgemental and harsh , but you know that no one will tell you to carry on doing what you're doing . It'll get worse and you'll be far worse than you already are .

Please just do this one thing , believe in yourself and value yourself more than you do . Of course there are unattached guys out there looking for more than a one off . This may not be the best place to find them , but they are out there .

You need to add good things to your life , and although the connection you feel with this guy is intense , it's never going to be reciprocated .

You know you are worth more than that ."

It was reciprocated though....the connection we had was present on both sides.

He made a huge, huge effort. Made me feel amazing, boosted my confidence hugely.

He used to message me all the time saying that he was thinking about me, missing me, could not wait to be with me etc.

Now he is home, I'm struggling with the jealousy issues and thinking of him with his wife all the time.

It can't continue, I know that it's not healthy and something has to change.

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By *horltzMan
over a year ago

heysham

Simple and hard truth is to walk away !

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By *loswingersCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester


"So you knew he was married from the start , and there's the first problem . You were clearly in a pretty bad place before this illicit affair , and of course it was going to make things worse , but you went ahead .

Life has a habit of throwing all manner of different opportunities at us . Some helpful , some useful , some amazing , but some are just obviously best left . This was one of them . There are plenty of available single men who would enrich your life . This guy will just make your life miserable .

It's your own fault , as you admit , and you are old enough to know better . As hard as it may be you have to get out of this situation , take stock , and get real . You make your own luck by making wise choices , work and the rest of your life seem great , and you're messing it up by choosing to embark on this kind of relationship .

It was not something I took on in a whim and just went ahead with for the hell of it.

I wrestled and fought with the morality issues and yes of course some of it did not sit right.

Did I feel guilty - hell yes, but we had not been intimate (not that I am condoning it) and the connection was burning.

We both said that it was so intense and indescribable and it was difficult to ignore.

My life is so far from - good, it's bloody hard.

All I can say is that it felt right. I'm not defending either of our actions, we were wrong.

In a lot of ways, I wish that I had never got chatting to him, but I don't need anyone's 'judgement'.

I'm fighting with myself and feeling shit enough already thanks.

As for "decent single men", don't you think that I would be with someone 'available' rather than put myself through this anguish if i could??

It sounds ridiculous - I know - but I can honestly say that I have never felt such an intense, crazy connection as this and I don't know how to handle it.

I'm not judging you , I'm merely responding to your predicament .

As hard as it is , you know you've fucked up .

Sorry you think I'm making things worse , but sometimes the truth hurts . A strangers opinion may appear to be hurtful , judgemental and harsh , but you know that no one will tell you to carry on doing what you're doing . It'll get worse and you'll be far worse than you already are .

Please just do this one thing , believe in yourself and value yourself more than you do . Of course there are unattached guys out there looking for more than a one off . This may not be the best place to find them , but they are out there .

You need to add good things to your life , and although the connection you feel with this guy is intense , it's never going to be reciprocated .

You know you are worth more than that .

It was reciprocated though....the connection we had was present on both sides.

He made a huge, huge effort. Made me feel amazing, boosted my confidence hugely.

He used to message me all the time saying that he was thinking about me, missing me, could not wait to be with me etc.

Now he is home, I'm struggling with the jealousy issues and thinking of him with his wife all the time.

It can't continue, I know that it's not healthy and something has to change. "

Yay ! Now you're getting there

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So what exactly do you want us to say? You are choosing to remain involved in a situation that is only going to cause you pain. Make a different choice.

No, OP is asking for advice. Doesn't mean she has to take it or can't discuss it.

She's been given advice and didn't like it. The solution is obvious, albeit painful, and entirely her own decision to take. "

And she doesn't have to like it. That still doesn't mean she's asking you to post a certain way, as implied in your comment question. That was my point.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Forget about him, before you become a bunny boiler.

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By *andybeachWoman
over a year ago

In the middle


"So you knew he was married from the start , and there's the first problem . You were clearly in a pretty bad place before this illicit affair , and of course it was going to make things worse , but you went ahead .

Life has a habit of throwing all manner of different opportunities at us . Some helpful , some useful , some amazing , but some are just obviously best left . This was one of them . There are plenty of available single men who would enrich your life . This guy will just make your life miserable .

It's your own fault , as you admit , and you are old enough to know better . As hard as it may be you have to get out of this situation , take stock , and get real . You make your own luck by making wise choices , work and the rest of your life seem great , and you're messing it up by choosing to embark on this kind of relationship .

It was not something I took on in a whim and just went ahead with for the hell of it.

I wrestled and fought with the morality issues and yes of course some of it did not sit right.

Did I feel guilty - hell yes, but we had not been intimate (not that I am condoning it) and the connection was burning.

We both said that it was so intense and indescribable and it was difficult to ignore.

My life is so far from - good, it's bloody hard.

All I can say is that it felt right. I'm not defending either of our actions, we were wrong.

In a lot of ways, I wish that I had never got chatting to him, but I don't need anyone's 'judgement'.

I'm fighting with myself and feeling shit enough already thanks.

As for "decent single men", don't you think that I would be with someone 'available' rather than put myself through this anguish if i could??

It sounds ridiculous - I know - but I can honestly say that I have never felt such an intense, crazy connection as this and I don't know how to handle it.

I'm not judging you , I'm merely responding to your predicament .

As hard as it is , you know you've fucked up .

Sorry you think I'm making things worse , but sometimes the truth hurts . A strangers opinion may appear to be hurtful , judgemental and harsh , but you know that no one will tell you to carry on doing what you're doing . It'll get worse and you'll be far worse than you already are .

Please just do this one thing , believe in yourself and value yourself more than you do . Of course there are unattached guys out there looking for more than a one off . This may not be the best place to find them , but they are out there .

You need to add good things to your life , and although the connection you feel with this guy is intense , it's never going to be reciprocated .

You know you are worth more than that .

It was reciprocated though....the connection we had was present on both sides.

He made a huge, huge effort. Made me feel amazing, boosted my confidence hugely.

He used to message me all the time saying that he was thinking about me, missing me, could not wait to be with me etc.

Now he is home, I'm struggling with the jealousy issues and thinking of him with his wife all the time.

It can't continue, I know that it's not healthy and something has to change. "

OP if you were reading this thread what would your advise be to the person who wrote it? You know what the answer is and that is to leave him to his life and get on with your own.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

Sometimes when you want something so badly but deep down you (both) can't have it it makes you want it more = messy!

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By *hubaysiWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

OP do what YOU think is the best thing. Follow your instinct.

I wish you well honey.

xx

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I'm sorry you're hurting and that your life isn't going well. Telling you what you want to hear won't help you though and I agree with Gloswingers. Neither I nor they are being judgmental, we're trying to help you see the reality of the situation.

You describe this man as charming and caring his actions are hardly caring towards his wife. The attraction of the new and unavailable is strong but if you continue as you are you will either be caused more hurt or cause hurt.

Of course the decision is yours, I hope whatever course of action you both decide on is best for all concerned.

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By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

I genuinely think he cares about you. However, you both know it isn't going anywhere.

Best thing you can do, difficult as it is, is cut him loose, and seek a similar thing with someone who is available.

Trouble is, in order to get what they want, lots of single guys will tell you what they think you want to hear, and many are very good at it.

Get involved in the social scene in South Wales, there are many ladies out there who will steer you clear of the "dickheads" out there, and provide a group for you to feel secure with at events.

Most of all, try to keep some emotional distance from swinging.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Cut contact because you'll probably only end up getting more hurt in the long run. You won't ever be his priority, his wife will be and rightly so. Why be someone's second best and an option. Meet someone for whom you are their priority.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He never put his wife first, he never put you first.. he put himself first.

IT wont end with a happy ending.

say he did leave his Mrs,, would you ever fully trust him knowing you were the other woman?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some men have a way of saying the right things, what you want to hear, it's not right and I've found in personal experience that they go for emotionally weak woman and play on that. Trust your instincts as they are natures way of telling you to beware.

As hard as it may be get out now!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Some men have a way of saying the right things, what you want to hear, it's not right and I've found in personal experience that they go for emotionally weak woman and play on that. Trust your instincts as they are natures way of telling you to beware.

As hard as it may be get out now! "

I know it sounds like I am defending him and condoning his actions, I am not, not at all.

He really is as far from manipulative as you can get.

I do believe that he is sincere and genuine. Just in a difficult situation with his marriage and facing some stress and looking for an escape I guess.

Unfortunately I provided that escape and got v badly hurt which I can't seem to handle.

I do believe that his feelings, albeit for a short time were genuine. That he was good at 'separating' our 'relationship' and the one between him and his wife.

Like I say - isn't ironic that I am the only one who allegedly "called him out" on his behaviour and made him question his priorities.

He's now going to try and sort his marital issues and I am not sure how I feel about that. It's a bittersweet, confusing feeling because whilst a large part of me wants him to be happy and to resolve things, an even bigger part of me wants to be with him SO badly that it physically hurts.

Don't know what the hell to do with myself at the mo.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Some men have a way of saying the right things, what you want to hear, it's not right and I've found in personal experience that they go for emotionally weak woman and play on that. Trust your instincts as they are natures way of telling you to beware.

As hard as it may be get out now!

I know it sounds like I am defending him and condoning his actions, I am not, not at all.

He really is as far from manipulative as you can get.

I do believe that he is sincere and genuine. Just in a difficult situation with his marriage and facing some stress and looking for an escape I guess.

Unfortunately I provided that escape and got v badly hurt which I can't seem to handle.

I do believe that his feelings, albeit for a short time were genuine. That he was good at 'separating' our 'relationship' and the one between him and his wife.

Like I say - isn't ironic that I am the only one who allegedly "called him out" on his behaviour and made him question his priorities.

He's now going to try and sort his marital issues and I am not sure how I feel about that. It's a bittersweet, confusing feeling because whilst a large part of me wants him to be happy and to resolve things, an even bigger part of me wants to be with him SO badly that it physically hurts.

Don't know what the hell to do with myself at the mo.

"

Live.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'm sorry you're hurting and that your life isn't going well. Telling you what you want to hear won't help you though and I agree with Gloswingers. Neither I nor they are being judgmental, we're trying to help you see the reality of the situation.

You describe this man as charming and caring his actions are hardly caring towards his wife. The attraction of the new and unavailable is strong but if you continue as you are you will either be caused more hurt or cause hurt.

Of course the decision is yours, I hope whatever course of action you both decide on is best for all concerned."

Well said

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Some men have a way of saying the right things, what you want to hear, it's not right and I've found in personal experience that they go for emotionally weak woman and play on that. Trust your instincts as they are natures way of telling you to beware.

As hard as it may be get out now!

I know it sounds like I am defending him and condoning his actions, I am not, not at all.

He really is as far from manipulative as you can get.

I do believe that he is sincere and genuine. Just in a difficult situation with his marriage and facing some stress and looking for an escape I guess.

Unfortunately I provided that escape and got v badly hurt which I can't seem to handle.

I do believe that his feelings, albeit for a short time were genuine. That he was good at 'separating' our 'relationship' and the one between him and his wife.

Like I say - isn't ironic that I am the only one who allegedly "called him out" on his behaviour and made him question his priorities.

He's now going to try and sort his marital issues and I am not sure how I feel about that. It's a bittersweet, confusing feeling because whilst a large part of me wants him to be happy and to resolve things, an even bigger part of me wants to be with him SO badly that it physically hurts.

Don't know what the hell to do with myself at the mo.

Live. "

It's not that easy.....wish it was!

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By *iss.HoneyWoman
over a year ago

...

I think this is one of those situations where you can't possibly know how the OP is feeling unless you have been in it yourself

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think this is one of those situations where you can't possibly know how the OP is feeling unless you have been in it yourself "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Some men have a way of saying the right things, what you want to hear, it's not right and I've found in personal experience that they go for emotionally weak woman and play on that. Trust your instincts as they are natures way of telling you to beware.

As hard as it may be get out now!

I know it sounds like I am defending him and condoning his actions, I am not, not at all.

He really is as far from manipulative as you can get.

I do believe that he is sincere and genuine. Just in a difficult situation with his marriage and facing some stress and looking for an escape I guess.

Unfortunately I provided that escape and got v badly hurt which I can't seem to handle.

I do believe that his feelings, albeit for a short time were genuine. That he was good at 'separating' our 'relationship' and the one between him and his wife.

Like I say - isn't ironic that I am the only one who allegedly "called him out" on his behaviour and made him question his priorities.

He's now going to try and sort his marital issues and I am not sure how I feel about that. It's a bittersweet, confusing feeling because whilst a large part of me wants him to be happy and to resolve things, an even bigger part of me wants to be with him SO badly that it physically hurts.

Don't know what the hell to do with myself at the mo.

"
u

I really do understand your pain and it's so hard I know, but genuinely you need to distance. If he really does care and feel the same he will find a way to you. Put yourself first your worth more than that. Big hugs xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Only you know what you want deep down. Good luck whichever you choose to do

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Seeing him and being in touch with him is just prolonging the agony.

If you could visit yourself right this second from 2 months in the future you'd tell yourself that you'll feel neutral and be able to function properly again without the anxious feeling you've got.

All the advice you'll get in this thread sounds good but it's all easier said than done. The only think that's gonna get you feeling better is to draw a line under it now and let time do it's job.

When you feel shit and you've got dramas going on it's best not to get involved with anyone cos little things can tip you over. Deal with your shit, try and get everything in your life squared away and then think about guys.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Only you know what you want deep down. Good luck whichever you choose to do "

I want him......Soooooòoo badly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I am sorry if this post appears a little confusing and long.

I will try to summarise as best as I can, but it is rather a long story!

I've had an extremely difficult few years, it's been one big issue after another in the last 5 years, some of which almost broke me.

I had counselling for the issues I faced which were causing pain and anxiety and sorted my life out/got back on track a few years ago now.

I also relocated to try and get a 'fresh start'. I was initially very happy in the area I moved to.

I remained employed by the same company I've been with for years and had a promotion when I transferred. That meant a slight increase in wage and some stability so that I had some comfort in that not everything changed when I moved.

I was already a member of Fab, but joined at a friend's recommendation and was nosey rather than active for a while. Not having the confidence or courage to do anything for a while.

I decided that it was time to move on some time after i had settled in my new home and arranged some meets and dates from other websites....the first of any 'activity' for a while.

One of the meets was a bad one with the guy in question turning out to be a prick and hurting me physically and emotionally.

After that I took a step back and didn't meet for a little while.

Also a little more careful about who I meet.

A few months on, I get chatting to a charming, well educated, gorgeous, caring guy from here and we immediately click in so many ways.

Right from the start, the connection was sizzling.

He gave me so much confidence (which I don't have much of) and made me feel like a Queen. He constantly messaged me saying that I am beautiful/sexy/gorgeous etc.

I believed from what he said that he was genuine and sincere especially given the amount of time and effort he invested in me.

One huge problem - he's married. To be fair, he did tell me right from the start.

I wrestled with my conscience and morals no end to try and decide what to do, but even at that early stage, the connection was so strong it was undeniable.

He said that he loves his wife, but they have sex infrequently. She does not want it, but otherwise their marriage is good.

He also said that his wife is aware what he is doing, but does not want details and as long as it doesn't interfere with the family, she is ok with it.

He was always honest and answered any of my questions when I asked.

He works away for 4 weeks at a time. So just before his last work trip, we met briefly, a social.

We kept in touch while he was away all the time and would exchange photos, videos, messages a lot.

We arranged to meet on the night of his return to the UK and were going to spend the night together. Both so excited.

About a week prior to his return, I was in a foul mood due to some work issues and i had far too much wine! I got extremely jealous and insecure and some of the messages etc got a little heated.

He wouldn't respond for ages and when he did, he said that I had hurt him with my comments. He had always tried to be honest and 'be there' for me and that he had been dying to spend the night with me, but now he is not sure that it's a good idea for either of us because it is placing a moral burden on me and asking me to lower my standards. Also that he doesn't want to hurt me and i deserve so much more than a married man.

We didn't communicate much after that, we both needed space, but it killed me and i missed his messages.

I ended up sending him a message saying 'sorry, but this isn't going to work, thanking him and wishing him all the best.

He returned a couple of days ago and he has been in touch....

First communication for over a week.

We spoke for ages on the phone and we've exchanged a few messages.

The problem is that I still want him SO much.

We have things on a sort of 'friendship' basis right now and when I spoke to him and asked him why he cheats (his wife is v pretty) he kind-of broke down and admitted that he doesn't know and he needs to sort his marriage out and stop.

He said that he was going to have a long conversation with his wife, be totally honest and try and sort things out.

ironically he said that I gave him the kick up the arse he needed and "called him out" on his behaviour.

So we have rarely messaged the last couple of days. Though to be fair, he had travelled from almost the other side of the world and was worn out and jet lagged.

We are supposed to be having a social meet as friends at some stage in the future, but I am not sure if that is a good idea becaie my feelings are too strong.

I feel lost, hurt, angry and I almost don't know what to do with myself lately.

I'm shattered emotionally. The connection we had was sooòoo strong for the both of us, but now I feel like he doesn't give a damn and was just using me to ease the boredom and loniliness of being away from home. I feel like I meant nothing to him. I am not sure how to dig myself out of this shit mood I been in for days.

Sorry it's so long, thank you for reading. Any advice appreciated.

"

I have been in the same position op the last 3 years have been the hardest that I've been through and like you it almost broke me to

I got chatting to a gorgeous guy who made me feel alive again he was a honest about being married from the start and I fought with my morals and met him and we clicked I didn't meet or want to meet other guys he was all that I thought I needed I was falling for him big time and it was painful so we don't see each other anymore though we do chat now and again it was hard but the best thing I did you will get through this hugs

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I am sorry if this post appears a little confusing and long.

I will try to summarise as best as I can, but it is rather a long story!

I've had an extremely difficult few years, it's been one big issue after another in the last 5 years, some of which almost broke me.

I had counselling for the issues I faced which were causing pain and anxiety and sorted my life out/got back on track a few years ago now.

I also relocated to try and get a 'fresh start'. I was initially very happy in the area I moved to.

I remained employed by the same company I've been with for years and had a promotion when I transferred. That meant a slight increase in wage and some stability so that I had some comfort in that not everything changed when I moved.

I was already a member of Fab, but joined at a friend's recommendation and was nosey rather than active for a while. Not having the confidence or courage to do anything for a while.

I decided that it was time to move on some time after i had settled in my new home and arranged some meets and dates from other websites....the first of any 'activity' for a while.

One of the meets was a bad one with the guy in question turning out to be a prick and hurting me physically and emotionally.

After that I took a step back and didn't meet for a little while.

Also a little more careful about who I meet.

A few months on, I get chatting to a charming, well educated, gorgeous, caring guy from here and we immediately click in so many ways.

Right from the start, the connection was sizzling.

He gave me so much confidence (which I don't have much of) and made me feel like a Queen. He constantly messaged me saying that I am beautiful/sexy/gorgeous etc.

I believed from what he said that he was genuine and sincere especially given the amount of time and effort he invested in me.

One huge problem - he's married. To be fair, he did tell me right from the start.

I wrestled with my conscience and morals no end to try and decide what to do, but even at that early stage, the connection was so strong it was undeniable.

He said that he loves his wife, but they have sex infrequently. She does not want it, but otherwise their marriage is good.

He also said that his wife is aware what he is doing, but does not want details and as long as it doesn't interfere with the family, she is ok with it.

He was always honest and answered any of my questions when I asked.

He works away for 4 weeks at a time. So just before his last work trip, we met briefly, a social.

We kept in touch while he was away all the time and would exchange photos, videos, messages a lot.

We arranged to meet on the night of his return to the UK and were going to spend the night together. Both so excited.

About a week prior to his return, I was in a foul mood due to some work issues and i had far too much wine! I got extremely jealous and insecure and some of the messages etc got a little heated.

He wouldn't respond for ages and when he did, he said that I had hurt him with my comments. He had always tried to be honest and 'be there' for me and that he had been dying to spend the night with me, but now he is not sure that it's a good idea for either of us because it is placing a moral burden on me and asking me to lower my standards. Also that he doesn't want to hurt me and i deserve so much more than a married man.

We didn't communicate much after that, we both needed space, but it killed me and i missed his messages.

I ended up sending him a message saying 'sorry, but this isn't going to work, thanking him and wishing him all the best.

He returned a couple of days ago and he has been in touch....

First communication for over a week.

We spoke for ages on the phone and we've exchanged a few messages.

The problem is that I still want him SO much.

We have things on a sort of 'friendship' basis right now and when I spoke to him and asked him why he cheats (his wife is v pretty) he kind-of broke down and admitted that he doesn't know and he needs to sort his marriage out and stop.

He said that he was going to have a long conversation with his wife, be totally honest and try and sort things out.

ironically he said that I gave him the kick up the arse he needed and "called him out" on his behaviour.

So we have rarely messaged the last couple of days. Though to be fair, he had travelled from almost the other side of the world and was worn out and jet lagged.

We are supposed to be having a social meet as friends at some stage in the future, but I am not sure if that is a good idea becaie my feelings are too strong.

I feel lost, hurt, angry and I almost don't know what to do with myself lately.

I'm shattered emotionally. The connection we had was sooòoo strong for the both of us, but now I feel like he doesn't give a damn and was just using me to ease the boredom and loniliness of being away from home. I feel like I meant nothing to him. I am not sure how to dig myself out of this shit mood I been in for days.

Sorry it's so long, thank you for reading. Any advice appreciated.

I have been in the same position op the last 3 years have been the hardest that I've been through and like you it almost broke me to

I got chatting to a gorgeous guy who made me feel alive again he was a honest about being married from the start and I fought with my morals and met him and we clicked I didn't meet or want to meet other guys he was all that I thought I needed I was falling for him big time and it was painful so we don't see each other anymore though we do chat now and again it was hard but the best thing I did you will get through this hugs"

How did you walk away in the end and become friends?? (If it's ok to ask?)

I know what I have to do, but I can't, can't, can't bring myself to do it. I keep going back, it's sooòoo horrendous and confusing.

He is all that I can think about, it's killing me.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

That is exactly how he made me feel "alive" and so, so, so desireable and wanted.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I am sorry if this post appears a little confusing and long.

I will try to summarise as best as I can, but it is rather a long story!

I've had an extremely difficult few years, it's been one big issue after another in the last 5 years, some of which almost broke me.

I had counselling for the issues I faced which were causing pain and anxiety and sorted my life out/got back on track a few years ago now.

I also relocated to try and get a 'fresh start'. I was initially very happy in the area I moved to.

I remained employed by the same company I've been with for years and had a promotion when I transferred. That meant a slight increase in wage and some stability so that I had some comfort in that not everything changed when I moved.

I was already a member of Fab, but joined at a friend's recommendation and was nosey rather than active for a while. Not having the confidence or courage to do anything for a while.

I decided that it was time to move on some time after i had settled in my new home and arranged some meets and dates from other websites....the first of any 'activity' for a while.

One of the meets was a bad one with the guy in question turning out to be a prick and hurting me physically and emotionally.

After that I took a step back and didn't meet for a little while.

Also a little more careful about who I meet.

A few months on, I get chatting to a charming, well educated, gorgeous, caring guy from here and we immediately click in so many ways.

Right from the start, the connection was sizzling.

He gave me so much confidence (which I don't have much of) and made me feel like a Queen. He constantly messaged me saying that I am beautiful/sexy/gorgeous etc.

I believed from what he said that he was genuine and sincere especially given the amount of time and effort he invested in me.

One huge problem - he's married. To be fair, he did tell me right from the start.

I wrestled with my conscience and morals no end to try and decide what to do, but even at that early stage, the connection was so strong it was undeniable.

He said that he loves his wife, but they have sex infrequently. She does not want it, but otherwise their marriage is good.

He also said that his wife is aware what he is doing, but does not want details and as long as it doesn't interfere with the family, she is ok with it.

He was always honest and answered any of my questions when I asked.

He works away for 4 weeks at a time. So just before his last work trip, we met briefly, a social.

We kept in touch while he was away all the time and would exchange photos, videos, messages a lot.

We arranged to meet on the night of his return to the UK and were going to spend the night together. Both so excited.

About a week prior to his return, I was in a foul mood due to some work issues and i had far too much wine! I got extremely jealous and insecure and some of the messages etc got a little heated.

He wouldn't respond for ages and when he did, he said that I had hurt him with my comments. He had always tried to be honest and 'be there' for me and that he had been dying to spend the night with me, but now he is not sure that it's a good idea for either of us because it is placing a moral burden on me and asking me to lower my standards. Also that he doesn't want to hurt me and i deserve so much more than a married man.

We didn't communicate much after that, we both needed space, but it killed me and i missed his messages.

I ended up sending him a message saying 'sorry, but this isn't going to work, thanking him and wishing him all the best.

He returned a couple of days ago and he has been in touch....

First communication for over a week.

We spoke for ages on the phone and we've exchanged a few messages.

The problem is that I still want him SO much.

We have things on a sort of 'friendship' basis right now and when I spoke to him and asked him why he cheats (his wife is v pretty) he kind-of broke down and admitted that he doesn't know and he needs to sort his marriage out and stop.

He said that he was going to have a long conversation with his wife, be totally honest and try and sort things out.

ironically he said that I gave him the kick up the arse he needed and "called him out" on his behaviour.

So we have rarely messaged the last couple of days. Though to be fair, he had travelled from almost the other side of the world and was worn out and jet lagged.

We are supposed to be having a social meet as friends at some stage in the future, but I am not sure if that is a good idea becaie my feelings are too strong.

I feel lost, hurt, angry and I almost don't know what to do with myself lately.

I'm shattered emotionally. The connection we had was sooòoo strong for the both of us, but now I feel like he doesn't give a damn and was just using me to ease the boredom and loniliness of being away from home. I feel like I meant nothing to him. I am not sure how to dig myself out of this shit mood I been in for days.

Sorry it's so long, thank you for reading. Any advice appreciated.

I have been in the same position op the last 3 years have been the hardest that I've been through and like you it almost broke me to

I got chatting to a gorgeous guy who made me feel alive again he was a honest about being married from the start and I fought with my morals and met him and we clicked I didn't meet or want to meet other guys he was all that I thought I needed I was falling for him big time and it was painful so we don't see each other anymore though we do chat now and again it was hard but the best thing I did you will get through this hugs

How did you walk away in the end and become friends?? (If it's ok to ask?)

I know what I have to do, but I can't, can't, can't bring myself to do it. I keep going back, it's sooòoo horrendous and confusing.

He is all that I can think about, it's killing me. "

I just knew that I had to it wasn't fun anymore I did the all going back thing and the jealous messages it was turning me into someone I didn't know and tbh.I often think that if I hadn't been going through a bad time would I have gone.near him I needed someone who cared etc it was hard though

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I am sorry if this post appears a little confusing and long.

I will try to summarise as best as I can, but it is rather a long story!

I've had an extremely difficult few years, it's been one big issue after another in the last 5 years, some of which almost broke me.

I had counselling for the issues I faced which were causing pain and anxiety and sorted my life out/got back on track a few years ago now.

I also relocated to try and get a 'fresh start'. I was initially very happy in the area I moved to.

I remained employed by the same company I've been with for years and had a promotion when I transferred. That meant a slight increase in wage and some stability so that I had some comfort in that not everything changed when I moved.

I was already a member of Fab, but joined at a friend's recommendation and was nosey rather than active for a while. Not having the confidence or courage to do anything for a while.

I decided that it was time to move on some time after i had settled in my new home and arranged some meets and dates from other websites....the first of any 'activity' for a while.

One of the meets was a bad one with the guy in question turning out to be a prick and hurting me physically and emotionally.

After that I took a step back and didn't meet for a little while.

Also a little more careful about who I meet.

A few months on, I get chatting to a charming, well educated, gorgeous, caring guy from here and we immediately click in so many ways.

Right from the start, the connection was sizzling.

He gave me so much confidence (which I don't have much of) and made me feel like a Queen. He constantly messaged me saying that I am beautiful/sexy/gorgeous etc.

I believed from what he said that he was genuine and sincere especially given the amount of time and effort he invested in me.

One huge problem - he's married. To be fair, he did tell me right from the start.

I wrestled with my conscience and morals no end to try and decide what to do, but even at that early stage, the connection was so strong it was undeniable.

He said that he loves his wife, but they have sex infrequently. She does not want it, but otherwise their marriage is good.

He also said that his wife is aware what he is doing, but does not want details and as long as it doesn't interfere with the family, she is ok with it.

He was always honest and answered any of my questions when I asked.

He works away for 4 weeks at a time. So just before his last work trip, we met briefly, a social.

We kept in touch while he was away all the time and would exchange photos, videos, messages a lot.

We arranged to meet on the night of his return to the UK and were going to spend the night together. Both so excited.

About a week prior to his return, I was in a foul mood due to some work issues and i had far too much wine! I got extremely jealous and insecure and some of the messages etc got a little heated.

He wouldn't respond for ages and when he did, he said that I had hurt him with my comments. He had always tried to be honest and 'be there' for me and that he had been dying to spend the night with me, but now he is not sure that it's a good idea for either of us because it is placing a moral burden on me and asking me to lower my standards. Also that he doesn't want to hurt me and i deserve so much more than a married man.

We didn't communicate much after that, we both needed space, but it killed me and i missed his messages.

I ended up sending him a message saying 'sorry, but this isn't going to work, thanking him and wishing him all the best.

He returned a couple of days ago and he has been in touch....

First communication for over a week.

We spoke for ages on the phone and we've exchanged a few messages.

The problem is that I still want him SO much.

We have things on a sort of 'friendship' basis right now and when I spoke to him and asked him why he cheats (his wife is v pretty) he kind-of broke down and admitted that he doesn't know and he needs to sort his marriage out and stop.

He said that he was going to have a long conversation with his wife, be totally honest and try and sort things out.

ironically he said that I gave him the kick up the arse he needed and "called him out" on his behaviour.

So we have rarely messaged the last couple of days. Though to be fair, he had travelled from almost the other side of the world and was worn out and jet lagged.

We are supposed to be having a social meet as friends at some stage in the future, but I am not sure if that is a good idea becaie my feelings are too strong.

I feel lost, hurt, angry and I almost don't know what to do with myself lately.

I'm shattered emotionally. The connection we had was sooòoo strong for the both of us, but now I feel like he doesn't give a damn and was just using me to ease the boredom and loniliness of being away from home. I feel like I meant nothing to him. I am not sure how to dig myself out of this shit mood I been in for days.

Sorry it's so long, thank you for reading. Any advice appreciated.

I have been in the same position op the last 3 years have been the hardest that I've been through and like you it almost broke me to

I got chatting to a gorgeous guy who made me feel alive again he was a honest about being married from the start and I fought with my morals and met him and we clicked I didn't meet or want to meet other guys he was all that I thought I needed I was falling for him big time and it was painful so we don't see each other anymore though we do chat now and again it was hard but the best thing I did you will get through this hugs

How did you walk away in the end and become friends?? (If it's ok to ask?)

I know what I have to do, but I can't, can't, can't bring myself to do it. I keep going back, it's sooòoo horrendous and confusing.

He is all that I can think about, it's killing me.

I just knew that I had to it wasn't fun anymore I did the all going back thing and the jealous messages it was turning me into someone I didn't know and tbh.I often think that if I hadn't been going through a bad time would I have gone.near him I needed someone who cared etc it was hard though"

That is pretty much exactly the same as me. I am having a particularly hard time with other issues at the mo and I wonder if he is/was a sort of "support mechanism" or escapism.

It's damn near impossible to let go.

I guess I'm niave and deluded and this sounds really bad, but the fantasy that he would leave his wife and we'd be happy together was in the back of my mind and that 'dream' is now lost.

How long were you together? Is he still with the wife/still cheating?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"That is exactly how he made me feel "alive" and so, so, so desireable and wanted. "

Is it really him you want or just the dream of what you wish for?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I am sorry if this post appears a little confusing and long.

I will try to summarise as best as I can, but it is rather a long story!

I've had an extremely difficult few years, it's been one big issue after another in the last 5 years, some of which almost broke me.

I had counselling for the issues I faced which were causing pain and anxiety and sorted my life out/got back on track a few years ago now.

I also relocated to try and get a 'fresh start'. I was initially very happy in the area I moved to.

I remained employed by the same company I've been with for years and had a promotion when I transferred. That meant a slight increase in wage and some stability so that I had some comfort in that not everything changed when I moved.

I was already a member of Fab, but joined at a friend's recommendation and was nosey rather than active for a while. Not having the confidence or courage to do anything for a while.

I decided that it was time to move on some time after i had settled in my new home and arranged some meets and dates from other websites....the first of any 'activity' for a while.

One of the meets was a bad one with the guy in question turning out to be a prick and hurting me physically and emotionally.

After that I took a step back and didn't meet for a little while.

Also a little more careful about who I meet.

A few months on, I get chatting to a charming, well educated, gorgeous, caring guy from here and we immediately click in so many ways.

Right from the start, the connection was sizzling.

He gave me so much confidence (which I don't have much of) and made me feel like a Queen. He constantly messaged me saying that I am beautiful/sexy/gorgeous etc.

I believed from what he said that he was genuine and sincere especially given the amount of time and effort he invested in me.

One huge problem - he's married. To be fair, he did tell me right from the start.

I wrestled with my conscience and morals no end to try and decide what to do, but even at that early stage, the connection was so strong it was undeniable.

He said that he loves his wife, but they have sex infrequently. She does not want it, but otherwise their marriage is good.

He also said that his wife is aware what he is doing, but does not want details and as long as it doesn't interfere with the family, she is ok with it.

He was always honest and answered any of my questions when I asked.

He works away for 4 weeks at a time. So just before his last work trip, we met briefly, a social.

We kept in touch while he was away all the time and would exchange photos, videos, messages a lot.

We arranged to meet on the night of his return to the UK and were going to spend the night together. Both so excited.

About a week prior to his return, I was in a foul mood due to some work issues and i had far too much wine! I got extremely jealous and insecure and some of the messages etc got a little heated.

He wouldn't respond for ages and when he did, he said that I had hurt him with my comments. He had always tried to be honest and 'be there' for me and that he had been dying to spend the night with me, but now he is not sure that it's a good idea for either of us because it is placing a moral burden on me and asking me to lower my standards. Also that he doesn't want to hurt me and i deserve so much more than a married man.

We didn't communicate much after that, we both needed space, but it killed me and i missed his messages.

I ended up sending him a message saying 'sorry, but this isn't going to work, thanking him and wishing him all the best.

He returned a couple of days ago and he has been in touch....

First communication for over a week.

We spoke for ages on the phone and we've exchanged a few messages.

The problem is that I still want him SO much.

We have things on a sort of 'friendship' basis right now and when I spoke to him and asked him why he cheats (his wife is v pretty) he kind-of broke down and admitted that he doesn't know and he needs to sort his marriage out and stop.

He said that he was going to have a long conversation with his wife, be totally honest and try and sort things out.

ironically he said that I gave him the kick up the arse he needed and "called him out" on his behaviour.

So we have rarely messaged the last couple of days. Though to be fair, he had travelled from almost the other side of the world and was worn out and jet lagged.

We are supposed to be having a social meet as friends at some stage in the future, but I am not sure if that is a good idea becaie my feelings are too strong.

I feel lost, hurt, angry and I almost don't know what to do with myself lately.

I'm shattered emotionally. The connection we had was sooòoo strong for the both of us, but now I feel like he doesn't give a damn and was just using me to ease the boredom and loniliness of being away from home. I feel like I meant nothing to him. I am not sure how to dig myself out of this shit mood I been in for days.

Sorry it's so long, thank you for reading. Any advice appreciated.

I have been in the same position op the last 3 years have been the hardest that I've been through and like you it almost broke me to

I got chatting to a gorgeous guy who made me feel alive again he was a honest about being married from the start and I fought with my morals and met him and we clicked I didn't meet or want to meet other guys he was all that I thought I needed I was falling for him big time and it was painful so we don't see each other anymore though we do chat now and again it was hard but the best thing I did you will get through this hugs

How did you walk away in the end and become friends?? (If it's ok to ask?)

I know what I have to do, but I can't, can't, can't bring myself to do it. I keep going back, it's sooòoo horrendous and confusing.

He is all that I can think about, it's killing me.

I just knew that I had to it wasn't fun anymore I did the all going back thing and the jealous messages it was turning me into someone I didn't know and tbh.I often think that if I hadn't been going through a bad time would I have gone.near him I needed someone who cared etc it was hard though

That is pretty much exactly the same as me. I am having a particularly hard time with other issues at the mo and I wonder if he is/was a sort of "support mechanism" or escapism.

It's damn near impossible to let go.

I guess I'm niave and deluded and this sounds really bad, but the fantasy that he would leave his wife and we'd be happy together was in the back of my mind and that 'dream' is now lost.

How long were you together? Is he still with the wife/still cheating?

"

No your only human

Just over a year and he is still on fab so he most likely is still cheating

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"That is exactly how he made me feel "alive" and so, so, so desireable and wanted.

Is it really him you want or just the dream of what you wish for?"

It's him.....without a doubt...the feelings were electric, we also have such a huge, huge amount in common. We did the same courses at the same uni at virtually the same time (6 months apart) and so many other things that we have in common. At least for me, the connection was indescribable.

I've never felt like that before, ever. He made me feel alive, special, wanted.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I am sorry if this post appears a little confusing and long.

I will try to summarise as best as I can, but it is rather a long story!

I've had an extremely difficult few years, it's been one big issue after another in the last 5 years, some of which almost broke me.

I had counselling for the issues I faced which were causing pain and anxiety and sorted my life out/got back on track a few years ago now.

I also relocated to try and get a 'fresh start'. I was initially very happy in the area I moved to.

I remained employed by the same company I've been with for years and had a promotion when I transferred. That meant a slight increase in wage and some stability so that I had some comfort in that not everything changed when I moved.

I was already a member of Fab, but joined at a friend's recommendation and was nosey rather than active for a while. Not having the confidence or courage to do anything for a while.

I decided that it was time to move on some time after i had settled in my new home and arranged some meets and dates from other websites....the first of any 'activity' for a while.

One of the meets was a bad one with the guy in question turning out to be a prick and hurting me physically and emotionally.

After that I took a step back and didn't meet for a little while.

Also a little more careful about who I meet.

A few months on, I get chatting to a charming, well educated, gorgeous, caring guy from here and we immediately click in so many ways.

Right from the start, the connection was sizzling.

He gave me so much confidence (which I don't have much of) and made me feel like a Queen. He constantly messaged me saying that I am beautiful/sexy/gorgeous etc.

I believed from what he said that he was genuine and sincere especially given the amount of time and effort he invested in me.

One huge problem - he's married. To be fair, he did tell me right from the start.

I wrestled with my conscience and morals no end to try and decide what to do, but even at that early stage, the connection was so strong it was undeniable.

He said that he loves his wife, but they have sex infrequently. She does not want it, but otherwise their marriage is good.

He also said that his wife is aware what he is doing, but does not want details and as long as it doesn't interfere with the family, she is ok with it.

He was always honest and answered any of my questions when I asked.

He works away for 4 weeks at a time. So just before his last work trip, we met briefly, a social.

We kept in touch while he was away all the time and would exchange photos, videos, messages a lot.

We arranged to meet on the night of his return to the UK and were going to spend the night together. Both so excited.

About a week prior to his return, I was in a foul mood due to some work issues and i had far too much wine! I got extremely jealous and insecure and some of the messages etc got a little heated.

He wouldn't respond for ages and when he did, he said that I had hurt him with my comments. He had always tried to be honest and 'be there' for me and that he had been dying to spend the night with me, but now he is not sure that it's a good idea for either of us because it is placing a moral burden on me and asking me to lower my standards. Also that he doesn't want to hurt me and i deserve so much more than a married man.

We didn't communicate much after that, we both needed space, but it killed me and i missed his messages.

I ended up sending him a message saying 'sorry, but this isn't going to work, thanking him and wishing him all the best.

He returned a couple of days ago and he has been in touch....

First communication for over a week.

We spoke for ages on the phone and we've exchanged a few messages.

The problem is that I still want him SO much.

We have things on a sort of 'friendship' basis right now and when I spoke to him and asked him why he cheats (his wife is v pretty) he kind-of broke down and admitted that he doesn't know and he needs to sort his marriage out and stop.

He said that he was going to have a long conversation with his wife, be totally honest and try and sort things out.

ironically he said that I gave him the kick up the arse he needed and "called him out" on his behaviour.

So we have rarely messaged the last couple of days. Though to be fair, he had travelled from almost the other side of the world and was worn out and jet lagged.

We are supposed to be having a social meet as friends at some stage in the future, but I am not sure if that is a good idea becaie my feelings are too strong.

I feel lost, hurt, angry and I almost don't know what to do with myself lately.

I'm shattered emotionally. The connection we had was sooòoo strong for the both of us, but now I feel like he doesn't give a damn and was just using me to ease the boredom and loniliness of being away from home. I feel like I meant nothing to him. I am not sure how to dig myself out of this shit mood I been in for days.

Sorry it's so long, thank you for reading. Any advice appreciated.

I have been in the same position op the last 3 years have been the hardest that I've been through and like you it almost broke me to

I got chatting to a gorgeous guy who made me feel alive again he was a honest about being married from the start and I fought with my morals and met him and we clicked I didn't meet or want to meet other guys he was all that I thought I needed I was falling for him big time and it was painful so we don't see each other anymore though we do chat now and again it was hard but the best thing I did you will get through this hugs

How did you walk away in the end and become friends?? (If it's ok to ask?)

I know what I have to do, but I can't, can't, can't bring myself to do it. I keep going back, it's sooòoo horrendous and confusing.

He is all that I can think about, it's killing me.

I just knew that I had to it wasn't fun anymore I did the all going back thing and the jealous messages it was turning me into someone I didn't know and tbh.I often think that if I hadn't been going through a bad time would I have gone.near him I needed someone who cared etc it was hard though

That is pretty much exactly the same as me. I am having a particularly hard time with other issues at the mo and I wonder if he is/was a sort of "support mechanism" or escapism.

It's damn near impossible to let go.

I guess I'm niave and deluded and this sounds really bad, but the fantasy that he would leave his wife and we'd be happy together was in the back of my mind and that 'dream' is now lost.

How long were you together? Is he still with the wife/still cheating?

No your only human

Just over a year and he is still on fab so he most likely is still cheating"

The person in my case has removed his profile on here. When I asked him why, he responded that "he's got me now, doesn't need anyone else".

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Thanks for sharing.

I didn't read other replies cos I haven't the time really.

He was open from the start. He wanted sex. Not a relationship.

You got attached and have spoken to him as if he is your partner.

I hope you both get over it - or get on with it.

I don't get the part where you say his wife was aware..... and then say he said he would tell his wife...... Did she know or didn't she ?

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

P.S. Blokes with a hard on tell Quasi Modo he's beautiful/sexy/gorgeous too .....

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By *urious786Couple
over a year ago

Liverpool

Seems to me that you miss the way he made you feel.. not necessarily "him"

So I say this;

Cut contact with him for a while, Arrange a few socials with others, keep yourself busy with other people and other interests. give yourself and others the chance to boost your feelings / confidence etc

work on taking yourself and your life to a "good place " without this complication and see how it goes

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Thanks for sharing.

I didn't read other replies cos I haven't the time really.

He was open from the start. He wanted sex. Not a relationship.

You got attached and have spoken to him as if he is your partner.

I hope you both get over it - or get on with it.

I don't get the part where you say his wife was aware..... and then say he said he would tell his wife...... Did she know or didn't she ?"

His wife was aware that he was on fab and getting sex elsewhere (that is what he says)

He said that she preferd it when he was permanently working in another part of the UK because then there was no chance of her 'bumping into' someone he was sleeping with.

Apparently she was on another adult website herself at one point??

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Life really is a learning curve.

I've re read it and I believe it's YOURSELF you are angry with.

You wanted more. He didn't. You can't believe you've been so stupid.

He's talking to you now to keep you on the sweet side I'd guess.

He wants his wife. You were extras and dispensable.

My thoughts would be with his wife and family and I am sure you have their best interests at heart.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross


"Thanks for sharing.

I didn't read other replies cos I haven't the time really.

He was open from the start. He wanted sex. Not a relationship.

You got attached and have spoken to him as if he is your partner.

I hope you both get over it - or get on with it.

I don't get the part where you say his wife was aware..... and then say he said he would tell his wife...... Did she know or didn't she ?

His wife was aware that he was on fab and getting sex elsewhere (that is what he says)

He said that she preferd it when he was permanently working in another part of the UK because then there was no chance of her 'bumping into' someone he was sleeping with.

Apparently she was on another adult website herself at one point??

"

Seems they like things that way. Their lifestyle .......and the extras.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"P.S. Blokes with a hard on tell Quasi Modo he's beautiful/sexy/gorgeous too .....

"

He was not like that, not at all. He told me several times per day, even whilst he was thousands of miles away and before we decided to spend the night together.

He invested so much time and effort, I do believe that he was genuine and sincere.

He is a amazing guy and so far from manipulative.

And for your information, I may not be all that he made out, but I am far from Quasi modo thank you.

Had my confidence battered enough - don't need you to do it too.

Someone with no profile pic has a bit of a cheek making that comment to be honest.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross


"P.S. Blokes with a hard on tell Quasi Modo he's beautiful/sexy/gorgeous too .....

He was not like that, not at all. He told me several times per day, even whilst he was thousands of miles away and before we decided to spend the night together.

He invested so much time and effort, I do believe that he was genuine and sincere.

He is a amazing guy and so far from manipulative.

And for your information, I may not be all that he made out, but I am far from Quasi modo thank you.

Had my confidence battered enough - don't need you to do it too.

Someone with no profile pic has a bit of a cheek making that comment to be honest."

You win.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not playing with a married person would have avoided this.

Poor life choices = pain

Simple as that. Let's be glad you didn't split a family up and hurt children

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Not playing with a married person would have avoided this.

Poor life choices = pain

Simple as that. Let's be glad you didn't split a family up and hurt children "

He would have been the one doing this, not me.

Like I said, I fought hard with the morality of it, did not take it on lightly. I've explained in a lot of depth why I went along with it. I don't feel that I have to justify my actions further.

I did it because despite the obstacles, it felt so, so right.

If I had any concerns whatsoever at the outset, I would not have gone there.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP what would be the dream ending?

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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum

If I read your post correctly (and apologies if I haven't), you've only met this guy once, briefly, and only socially. The more intimate meet hasn't yet happened?

If that's the case, you've become emotionally invested something that isn't true. Even though you know he's married, you've put all sorts of expectations on this relationship which haven't transpired, and there's a huge possibility that they won't. You're indulging in a fantasy, and its likely to not happen.

Step wayyyyyy back. Don't get involved. Give yourself a break (he can't be the only person that will admire you), and take time to work on any issues you have that is stopping you from being happy. This man is attached, and however cynical I might be being, is not able to give you the attention you deserve, at least not yet. Don't reply on other people to help you feel good about yourself. And don't ever rely on other people to be entirely truthful when it comes to having sex.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"OP what would be the dream ending? "

If I could wave a magic wand and make everything ok, I guess that my dream would be to be with him.....just him and me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

Using the terminology she did including the 'quasi modo' comment was uncalled for though don't you think?

"

If you read it she never said you were 'Quasi Modo'

Its known that some men will say anything to anyone if they think it will get them somewhere...

He joined a site like this because he wanted sex..

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By *uessWhosBackAgainMan
over a year ago

London


"

He invested so much time and effort, I do believe that he was genuine and sincere.

He is a amazing guy and so far from manipulative."

And that is you're problem right there in a nutshell

Also you posted in an open forum so can't get upset if you don't like the replies

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Posts removed. Time to leave it here I think.

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