FabSwingers.com forum: Being comfortable in giving up control

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I don't mean about sex.

I mean about having no control about organising events and so on, where I can't control any details or organise it and I have to rely on someone else to sort it out. It's one of the few things that still sends my anxiety sky high as I like to have things arranged in advance.

Any tips for working through it?

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

Yeah, I hate relinquishing control of things. That's probably not a helpful thing to read.

Erm, do what I did with regards to the Tea Party and ask for information a lot? Eventually you'll get what you want.

Or just accept that maybe it's a surprise for you and occupy your time with other things and not think about it too often?

Have you explained how it's making you feel?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Professionally I hate it.

In my personal life I'd rather just turn up and enjoy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I guess if it's making you anxious then there's two ways to look at it.

If you're able to change the outcome with an action, then just do it.

If you're not, then you may need to look at why it's making you anxious.

Like you, I like to be organised, I'll plan what time I need to have specific things done by in order to be at a particular place for a particular time, even when 'relinquishing' control. But I'm rarely anxious. Perhaps some CBT may help?

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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago

yumsville

It's quite easy to step back and let other people perform in their roles. You often gain a clearer picture of events and outcomes. People often become more capable in their field meaning you don't have to worry about it. When something does crop up, it is singular in nature and most of the jobs are done - you can concentrate on it with the help of others too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe try and centre your focus solely on to the aspects that you are in control of and make them your priority. Look upon them as your tasks.

Endeavour to let anything outside of those tasks be things that are autonomous (like breathing) and do not require your consideration. And then if you succeed at this, tell me how you did it please

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By *iss.HoneyWoman
over a year ago

...

I don't like surprises and have to know what I am doing, where I am going etc (even if I am always late)

Usually, with family events I am the organiser.

If people ask me on the spot what I want to do I always say "I don't mind, you decide"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm with you OP. If I can't have control I have to really trust the person who does. Then I'm ok with going along for the ride.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't mean about sex.

I mean about having no control about organising events and so on, where I can't control any . details or organise it and I have to rely on someone else to sort it out. It's one of the few things that still sends my anxiety sky high as I like to have things arranged in advance.

Any tips for working through it?

Remember that others' anxiety may escalate by others' failure to give them space to organise themselves. Your needs might clash with theirs. On occasion it may just be necessary to do the opposite of your natural inclination and then be pleasantly surprised. Presume it won't be sorted and happen, let it go, do something else. See what happens.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm with you OP. If I can't have control I have to really trust the person who does. Then I'm ok with going along for the ride."

Hee hee, my answer was actually slightly based on my experience of my control needs versus yours! Hilarious that you're here!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm fine with it as long as I trust the other person to deliver. If I don't then I check out how things are going regularly and offer help if they get stuck.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

On the whole I like to help other to do things themselves or work with them. I've done enough organising of stuff for others to last a lifetime

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't mean about sex.

Any tips for working through it?

Why can't you have some control over the details? I just wouldn't do it if it was totally out of my control.

Actually then you and I still do have some control- we can control whether we do it or not.

Do you feel the same about something like a wedding where you'd just attend and not help organise?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You might not be able to control what happens at socials but you can control your anxiety with practice of breathing techniques that tone your vagus nerve.

You can also focus on the things you can control rather than the things you can't and have a few strategies for dealing with the things you can control.

They could be behavioral strategies or psychological ones.

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By *a Fee VerteWoman
over a year ago

Limbo

"I don't mean about sex.

Any tips for working through it?

I can *so* relate to this. I hate relinquishing control and like to be the mistress of my own destiny. If something's a disaster of my own making I can live with it, but if someone else messes up and affects me I get overly angry (though would probably internalise that). Before I became self employed I found it near impossible to delegate at work, and although I had to, it used to stress me out hugely. I do recognise this trait is more about me than others' abilities - in fact, I can see my urge to micro manage might be perceived by them as quite arrogant, as it can suggest I think I'm better at the task than they are. Hand on heart, that's not (usually) what's going through my mind, it is truly about allaying anxiety but I can see why it annoys people because I don't like it when they try to do it to me!

Obviously one person can't do everything all the time, nor are they always capable of doing what's needed anyway. How to deal with feeling out of control is tricky and I certainly haven't found the definitive answer yet. I ask as many questions as I possibly can before it starts to look (too) weird, I do my own research so I have a reasonable idea what to expect e.g. a venue, facilities etc. I *try* to focus on the thing that's making me most stressed and seek reassurance for that - but can't always resist sticking my nose in admittedly. I also try to run with the feeling and tell myself that if it all gets too much I (usually) don't have to do it.

The crazy thing is that I've got extremely panicky and anxious about past events in my life where the detail was taken out of my hands - yet ultimately, it was fine on the day. Maybe you could try to focus on similar occasions you've experienced where your anxiety was unfounded?

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