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Twue Doms... public perceptions

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

This is a subtle moan and a sort of exasperation.

Last night I heard another assumption about what a dom is/what a dom does; and it's just another to add to the list.

Last night I was discussing verbal humiliation with a potential play partner as an example of something I have tried and not enjoyed. My reason being that the lady I had tried with was beautiful to me, and I liked her a lot so calling her ugly and worthless was against everything I believed. I have always enjoyed telling women that they are beautiful.

This was the reply, "I can't imagine a dom telling someone they were beautiful.. it doesn't seem to fit somehow". I wonder what this person has been exposed to that makes her think that I wouldn't appreciate the beauty of a woman who chose to submit to me?

This is the image I would form about myself if I only listened to these sorts of thing.

-Beats women for a power trip

-Doesn't care what women want

-Never struggles emotionally

-Treats women as disposable valueless objects

It's sad really

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I prefer men who are dominant and happy to submit but I don't enjoy humiliation, verbal or physical.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A true dominant to my mind would only ever humiliate if they knew that was what their sub craved and needed. If that is how they actually felt for their sub they shouldn't be with them in the first place. Domination should only ever come from a place of trust and affection.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I suppose the first question is: Is there such a thing as a true dominant?

I'm not talking about everyone being a little bit switch, more if there was a true dominant what a cock they would be.

In most D/s situations both are equals, the submissive has as much control over the situation (They can just get up and leave if they don't like it) as the Dominant does. So in effect the use of Dominant and Submissive is just a label for easy understanding.

Similarly the terms sadist and masochist, if people were really true to these terms there would be a lot more dead people on the planet.

Now I know we are only using the term as a definition, but to call something true implies there is only one, when in actual fact there is a huge variation, ones persons Dom is another persons arrogant twat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This is a subtle moan and a sort of exasperation.

Last night I heard another assumption about what a dom is/what a dom does; and it's just another to add to the list.

Last night I was discussing verbal humiliation with a potential play partner as an example of something I have tried and not enjoyed. My reason being that the lady I had tried with was beautiful to me, and I liked her a lot so calling her ugly and worthless was against everything I believed. I have always enjoyed telling women that they are beautiful.

This was the reply, "I can't imagine a dom telling someone they were beautiful.. it doesn't seem to fit somehow". I wonder what this person has been exposed to that makes her think that I wouldn't appreciate the beauty of a woman who chose to submit to me?

This is the image I would form about myself if I only listened to these sorts of thing.

-Beats women for a power trip

-Doesn't care what women want

-Never struggles emotionally

-Treats women as disposable valueless objects

It's sad really"

You see, we've experimented with verbal humiliation and objectification, and quite enjoyed it.

But other than a bit of spanking, the thought of physically restraining my wife, or inflicting pain on her, is not a turn on. It even makes me a bit queasy.

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By *ander_XMan
over a year ago

Greater Manchester


"A true dominant to my mind would only ever humiliate if they knew that was what their sub craved and needed. If that is how they actually felt for their sub they shouldn't be with them in the first place. Domination should only ever come from a place of trust and affection."

Absolutely! I was discussing this with a friend just last night, BDSM should be a symbiotic experience, where both people are enabling the other to experience their desires.

A good dom also needs to be intuitive, caring and tender when that is called for rather than just rough and cruel.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I prefer men who are dominant and happy to submit but I don't enjoy humiliation, verbal or physical. "

100% agree with this this is a real dom guy to me with out all the porn based bullshit a guy who knows what hes doing and if he is doing it right then ill melt

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In my view there is a failure to distinguish between non consensual abuse and playing f@cking hard. In a relationship or situation there is no true way it is a question of what works for those involved. 4 years ago I would not have believed people would enjoy the things I have seen. Kink can be dark and twisted and just because an individual looking in from the outside in is not dark twisted and does not like what they see does not mean the person looking in is right or wrong.

It is like religious people or feminists debating about the merits or demerits of pornography but want to start the debate with the agreement that pornography has no merit and is damaging.

The problem I have with this debate as the assumption that all subs are women, and that female subs will not voluntarily choose to play hard. It is an attitude I would suggest used in the past to protect the frail sex from anything challenging. Some people want a fitness instructor for cross training in the park others want a mean mother who make them cross death valley. Neither is right or wrong provided boundaries are respected.

People concerned about true doms leave out the issue of destructive subs, but as we know on Fab all subs are perfect.

The real issue is that before people start doing kink they need to fully understand what they are getting into, and the nature of the person with whom they are getting involved.

But I assume the knee jerk reaction will prevail, while I go off and practice what can't be mentioned in the forum

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

There certainly is no single definition of what a D/s relationship should consist of save for the one agreed between two consenting adults. So no there is no such thing as a 'true' Dom/me any more than there is such a thing as a 'true' sub.

So to answer your question OP if calling a sub beautiful and praising them, as opposed to verbally humiliating them, is your thing then long may it continue.

To flip the question on its head though, if we agree there's no such thing as a 'true' Dom/me - can there be such a thing as a 'false' one? Because to my mind the answer is yes, which I know is a contradiction, but there are many Doms out there that do, to my mind at least, have misconceived ideas about what a D/s relationship is. Normally based on what they see in internet porn or THAT book!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I hate that phrase "true Dom" each D/s relationship is unique to the people involved. Just because they are into verbal humiliation doesn't mean that the Dom can't also call the sub beautiful.

There's so many twisted views of what a d/s relationship is. No true way, just what works for you. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In my opinion too a Dom sub relationship is symbiotic and often, if you think about it, the sub can have just as much power as the Dom.

A great d/s relationship is one where both get what they want and so therefor neither is really dominant as to be a TRUEdom would mean only they get what they want.

So, no, I don't think true DOMS exist in a consensual relationship

But I bet there re a few twats out there forcing subs to do only what they want or enjoy without thought of the sub.

Me? I want my sub to enjoy EVERY MINUTE, and that makes me enjoy it!!! If I thought they were truly doing only what I wanted, I couldn't do it.

Nothing beats telling a sub to do something and then watch them relish doing it in sexual pleasure, so hot!!!

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By *herbert fountainWoman
over a year ago

Hanley

Doms are allowed to have preferences too.Just because someone is a dom doesn't mean they can be a dom to any sub. For a D/s relationship to work both the dom and the sub need to be into the same things or it won't be a fulfilling relationship. Humiliation does would upset me. I would much rather be told I was beautiful

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By *piritsonfabCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham


"I suppose the first question is: Is there such a thing as a true dominant?

I'm not talking about everyone being a little bit switch, more if there was a true dominant what a cock they would be.

In most D/s situations both are equals, the submissive has as much control over the situation (They can just get up and leave if they don't like it) as the Dominant does. So in effect the use of Dominant and Submissive is just a label for easy understanding.

Similarly the terms sadist and masochist, if people were really true to these terms there would be a lot more dead people on the planet.

Now I know we are only using the term as a definition, but to call something true implies there is only one, when in actual fact there is a huge variation, ones persons Dom is another persons arrogant twat "

Well said

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I am always careful to say to people that my kink may not be your kink and that there is a massive spectrum of kinks and we all fall in different places. That's why I am disheartened when I hear these assumptions about what is essentially myself. Because I self identify as a dominant and am open about it people think that their preconceptions must apply to me.

I have spent years developing, learning and growing in my role and while I am better armed to explain my proclivities in a more accessible way whenever I hear a new assumption I can't help but feel it personally.

The lady in question who came out with this gem remains a potential play partner but I feel we have a lot of ground to cover before we can get there. More than I originally thought.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This is a subtle moan and a sort of exasperation.

Last night I heard another assumption about what a dom is/what a dom does; and it's just another to add to the list.

Last night I was discussing verbal humiliation with a potential play partner as an example of something I have tried and not enjoyed. My reason being that the lady I had tried with was beautiful to me, and I liked her a lot so calling her ugly and worthless was against everything I believed. I have always enjoyed telling women that they are beautiful.

This was the reply, "I can't imagine a dom telling someone they were beautiful.. it doesn't seem to fit somehow". I wonder what this person has been exposed to that makes her think that I wouldn't appreciate the beauty of a woman who chose to submit to me?

This is the image I would form about myself if I only listened to these sorts of thing.

-Beats women for a power trip

-Doesn't care what women want

-Never struggles emotionally

-Treats women as disposable valueless objects

It's sad really"

Get this sort of rubbish on FL all the time about what a true [insert label here] is supposed to do.

My Master loves me because I'm sexy and intelligent and isn't afraid to tell me so. He doesn't think it makes him less dominant in any way, shape or form to let me know that he thinks I'm awesome. I'm his most treasured possession and his life partner.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"This is a subtle moan and a sort of exasperation.

Last night I heard another assumption about what a dom is/what a dom does; and it's just another to add to the list.

Last night I was discussing verbal humiliation with a potential play partner as an example of something I have tried and not enjoyed. My reason being that the lady I had tried with was beautiful to me, and I liked her a lot so calling her ugly and worthless was against everything I believed. I have always enjoyed telling women that they are beautiful.

This was the reply, "I can't imagine a dom telling someone they were beautiful.. it doesn't seem to fit somehow". I wonder what this person has been exposed to that makes her think that I wouldn't appreciate the beauty of a woman who chose to submit to me?

This is the image I would form about myself if I only listened to these sorts of thing.

-Beats women for a power trip

-Doesn't care what women want

-Never struggles emotionally

-Treats women as disposable valueless objects

It's sad really

Get this sort of rubbish on FL all the time about what a true [insert label here] is supposed to do.

My Master loves me because I'm sexy and intelligent and isn't afraid to tell me so. He doesn't think it makes him less dominant in any way, shape or form to let me know that he thinks I'm awesome. I'm his most treasured possession and his life partner. "

Yes, I see it on K&P almost daily. Someone giving their view of what a true dom is. I find them risible because they never consider the subjective nature of it all. There are generally a few key themes I agree with around consent and care.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This is a subtle moan and a sort of exasperation.

Last night I heard another assumption about what a dom is/what a dom does; and it's just another to add to the list.

Last night I was discussing verbal humiliation with a potential play partner as an example of something I have tried and not enjoyed. My reason being that the lady I had tried with was beautiful to me, and I liked her a lot so calling her ugly and worthless was against everything I believed. I have always enjoyed telling women that they are beautiful.

This was the reply, "I can't imagine a dom telling someone they were beautiful.. it doesn't seem to fit somehow". I wonder what this person has been exposed to that makes her think that I wouldn't appreciate the beauty of a woman who chose to submit to me?

This is the image I would form about myself if I only listened to these sorts of thing.

-Beats women for a power trip

-Doesn't care what women want

-Never struggles emotionally

-Treats women as disposable valueless objects

It's sad really

Get this sort of rubbish on FL all the time about what a true [insert label here] is supposed to do.

My Master loves me because I'm sexy and intelligent and isn't afraid to tell me so. He doesn't think it makes him less dominant in any way, shape or form to let me know that he thinks I'm awesome. I'm his most treasured possession and his life partner.

Yes, I see it on K&P almost daily. Someone giving their view of what a true dom is. I find them risible because they never consider the subjective nature of it all. There are generally a few key themes I agree with around consent and care."

As newbies to BDSM we realise it's a minefield with assumptions and terminology. But it's not unlike swinging where a lot of people have set view of how it should be done.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There's a difference between being a Dom and being dominant.

I'll stick with my dominant man and steer clear of Doms who seem to be on a power trip and ego boost.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I will point out the lady in question never said the phrase "true dom" it's something that's overused on Fet-L when people feel the need to tell us all what that is; so I thought it would be apt.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I hate that phrase "true Dom" each D/s relationship is unique to the people involved. Just because they are into verbal humiliation doesn't mean that the Dom can't also call the sub beautiful.

There's so many twisted views of what a d/s relationship is. No true way, just what works for you. X "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This is a subtle moan and a sort of exasperation.

Last night I heard another assumption about what a dom is/what a dom does; and it's just another to add to the list.

Last night I was discussing verbal humiliation with a potential play partner as an example of something I have tried and not enjoyed. My reason being that the lady I had tried with was beautiful to me, and I liked her a lot so calling her ugly and worthless was against everything I believed. I have always enjoyed telling women that they are beautiful.

This was the reply, "I can't imagine a dom telling someone they were beautiful.. it doesn't seem to fit somehow". I wonder what this person has been exposed to that makes her think that I wouldn't appreciate the beauty of a woman who chose to submit to me?

This is the image I would form about myself if I only listened to these sorts of thing.

-Beats women for a power trip

-Doesn't care what women want

-Never struggles emotionally

-Treats women as disposable valueless objects

It's sad really"

It is sad. A D/S relationship can be a beautiful thing .... it needs trust and lots and lots of communication.

I've been very lucky in finding a Dom who's on my wavelength and wants the same things. He is forever telling me how beautiful and sexy I am and I adore him.

Each d/s relationship is as different as the people involved.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A D/s realtionship works best between two people. I have never come across a Dominant man, save for my partner. And whilst I think he is Dominant, another woman will most probably not see him as that

To many Mr. Greys here who think they are dominant to every woman; too many delusional men talking loudly

In answer to the OP's question; I personally would not want that from my partner, let alone from some unknown

- Mrs. J -

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"There's a difference between being a Dom and being dominant.

I'll stick with my dominant man and steer clear of Doms who seem to be on a power trip and ego boost.

"

- Mrs. J -

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"A D/s realtionship works best between two people. I have never come across a Dominant man, save for my partner. And whilst I think he is Dominant, another woman will most probably not see him as that

To many Mr. Greys here who think they are dominant to every woman; too many delusional men talking loudly

In answer to the OP's question; I personally would not want that from my partner, let alone from some unknown

- Mrs. J -"

Sorry, did you get the impression I was talking about humilation with someone I don't know? That's what I'm inferring from this reply.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A D/s realtionship works best between two people. I have never come across a Dominant man, save for my partner. And whilst I think he is Dominant, another woman will most probably not see him as that

To many Mr. Greys here who think they are dominant to every woman; too many delusional men talking loudly

In answer to the OP's question; I personally would not want that from my partner, let alone from some unknown

- Mrs. J -

Sorry, did you get the impression I was talking about humilation with someone I don't know? That's what I'm inferring from this reply."

Yes. "Last night I was discussing verbal humiliation with a potential play partner"; the "potential play partner" gave me that impression

- Mrs. J -

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"A D/s realtionship works best between two people. I have never come across a Dominant man, save for my partner. And whilst I think he is Dominant, another woman will most probably not see him as that

To many Mr. Greys here who think they are dominant to every woman; too many delusional men talking loudly

In answer to the OP's question; I personally would not want that from my partner, let alone from some unknown

- Mrs. J -

Sorry, did you get the impression I was talking about humilation with someone I don't know? That's what I'm inferring from this reply.

Yes. "Last night I was discussing verbal humiliation with a potential play partner"; the "potential play partner" gave me that impression

- Mrs. J -"

And yet you skipped the pertinent part of the sentence which was "as an example of something I had tried and not enjoyed"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A D/s realtionship works best between two people. I have never come across a Dominant man, save for my partner. And whilst I think he is Dominant, another woman will most probably not see him as that

To many Mr. Greys here who think they are dominant to every woman; too many delusional men talking loudly

In answer to the OP's question; I personally would not want that from my partner, let alone from some unknown

- Mrs. J -

Sorry, did you get the impression I was talking about humilation with someone I don't know? That's what I'm inferring from this reply.

Yes. "Last night I was discussing verbal humiliation with a potential play partner"; the "potential play partner" gave me that impression

- Mrs. J -

And yet you skipped the pertinent part of the sentence which was "as an example of something I had tried and not enjoyed""

I am not certain what you are trying to say to my post which states: "In answer to the OP's question; I personally would not want that from my partner, let alone from some unknown"

- Mrs. J -

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"A D/s realtionship works best between two people. I have never come across a Dominant man, save for my partner. And whilst I think he is Dominant, another woman will most probably not see him as that

To many Mr. Greys here who think they are dominant to every woman; too many delusional men talking loudly

In answer to the OP's question; I personally would not want that from my partner, let alone from some unknown

- Mrs. J -

Sorry, did you get the impression I was talking about humilation with someone I don't know? That's what I'm inferring from this reply.

Yes. "Last night I was discussing verbal humiliation with a potential play partner"; the "potential play partner" gave me that impression

- Mrs. J -

And yet you skipped the pertinent part of the sentence which was "as an example of something I had tried and not enjoyed"

I am not certain what you are trying to say to my post which states: "In answer to the OP's question; I personally would not want that from my partner, let alone from some unknown"

- Mrs. J -"

I just wasn't sure why you would have brought up "some unknown" because at no point was it stated or implied that I was going to play that role with anybody let alone someone I didn't know.

Now I see why; because you had read into it that I was discussing it with a potential partner but didn't seem to read the context.

Happy to have that cleared up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A D/s realtionship works best between two people. I have never come across a Dominant man, save for my partner. And whilst I think he is Dominant, another woman will most probably not see him as that

To many Mr. Greys here who think they are dominant to every woman; too many delusional men talking loudly

In answer to the OP's question; I personally would not want that from my partner, let alone from some unknown

- Mrs. J -

Sorry, did you get the impression I was talking about humilation with someone I don't know? That's what I'm inferring from this reply.

Yes. "Last night I was discussing verbal humiliation with a potential play partner"; the "potential play partner" gave me that impression

- Mrs. J -

And yet you skipped the pertinent part of the sentence which was "as an example of something I had tried and not enjoyed"

I am not certain what you are trying to say to my post which states: "In answer to the OP's question; I personally would not want that from my partner, let alone from some unknown"

- Mrs. J -

I just wasn't sure why you would have brought up "some unknown" because at no point was it stated or implied that I was going to play that role with anybody let alone someone I didn't know.

Now I see why; because you had read into it that I was discussing it with a potential partner but didn't seem to read the context.

Happy to have that cleared up."

Some unknown is not just you; it is everyone except for my partner. My post was what I feel where it concerns me; not what others should feel about themselves or about others

- Mrs. J -

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By *istress-MazikeenWoman
over a year ago

bolton

I will confess I have not read any of the comments, but, if a person and I will say person as I have been a sub in the past. Said to me you are not attractive it would mess with my head and not in a good humiliation way.

A true Dom would totally understand their sub before ever attempting this sort of humiliation.

All I will say you have destroyed someone by saying what you said.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"

All I will say you have destroyed someone by saying what you said."

Jesus, it doesn't end does it. Re-read what I wrote!

Background: The one time I played that role was for someone who was massively into humiliation, I played the role at her request and I didn't enjoy it. That was the whole theme of my opening post.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Personally I enjoy some humiliation and degradation in the context of my long term M/s relationship. It's not something I'd contemplate with a new play partner though.

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