FabSwingers.com forum: Dilemma - Cruel to be Kind? (Non-FAB related)

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I don't have many dilemmas as I usually know instinctively what to do, however, this one is proving to be rather difficult.

Nearly 2 years ago, I befriended a single gentleman in his late 50s via camping.

My initial thoughts were that, he was a harmless grumpy old man. Not great company, however, tolerable in small doses.

I met up with him on two further occasions, and each time, I thought he grew grumpier.

Lately he is so grumpy that he moans about everything, like lack of grass on grass pitch, rabbits should be killed as they dig holes on grass pitch, dawn chorus being too loud, farm animals being too noisy etc. etc...

His posts on a camping related forums are getting worse and worse, and he appears to pick on those who do not share his views or agree with him.

Due to health reasons, he did not go camping last year. As soon as he is able to camp again, he asked if he could join me on my trips, and I said no, as I prefer to be on my own.

The truth is that I no long enjoy his company.

However, I have organised a camping trip for solo campers later this year.

You guessed it - he is the only person signed up for it so far!

One side of me says tell him I no longer like his company, and that I wish to be alone, in the hope he would cancel his trip (I would pick up the cost of his deposit).

The other side of me says grin and bear it, as it is only for 3 nights, and I still have another 3 nights to spend on my own to recover.

However, I can strangle him within less than an hour of his company.

I could not leg it fast enough last time I met him, when he complained about the rabbits and how they ruined the grass etc. within minutes of my arrival at the campsite where I am staying now!

Is it too cruel to tell him the truth, or grin and bear it one last time?

I can always give him my Siberian cold shoulders while I am on the site with him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

you might do him a favour by making him aware that his miserable attitude is a put off. depends how well you know him really.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Be up front and say how you feel would be the way I'd approach it. Try to be a tactful as possible but it does sound as though he'd take it badly no matter what or how you say it.

Sometimes you have to look to yourself before you can consider others, and by tolerating this chap all you may end up doing is looking forward to something you've previously enjoyed less and less.

You face a dilemma for sure, but as you trust your instincts I'd say go with what they must be telling you to do deep down.

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

I'd be inclined to tell him you're cancelling and go somewhere else on your own. Life is too short to spend time with people you don't want to spend time with. Don't feel obliged to go on holiday with someone who's company you don't enjoy. If you can live with the confrontation then tell him, if you want to spare his feelings then don't.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Id tell him

If it were me id want ta think someone could tell me I'm not saying he would take it lightly but at least its better than risking it coming out in the heat of the moment perhaps xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would bite the bullet and tactfully say that you no longer wish him to come with you, and state that he has been unhappy with the places that you have been before. Or perhaps say to him for him to choose the place to camp next and if he moans then it is his own doing, then you can tell him he is one grumpy old man!

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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum

Must be a sign of getting older - my mother rarely has a good word to say about anything these days.

Is your relationship strong enough for you to actually tell him he is bothering you? If so, might be worth just saying that he makes you sad with his grumpiness. If not, dump him. Your sanity means more to you than his feelings.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

or you could suggest that you find it inappropriate to be camping with him without a chaperone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Slap him about the head a few times and tell the old git to cheer up

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By *ensual temptressWoman
over a year ago

Southampton

id say to him you were surprised at his interest in camping as got the impression he never really enjoyed it .its the truth ,tactful and may give him food for thought . you may find he wasnt awear he was so negative or there may be reason behind it .failing that may alil dose of reality may be required for him as his behaviour isnt doing him any favours or making him any friends .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I personally struggle to tolerate moaning people and frequently direct the insufferable earache elsewhere. The polite "tell someone who gives a s**t approach" seems to work.

With the examples you've given above, if he started moaning to me about rabbits digging up the camping area I'd suggest he discusses the issue with the site manager as you cant do anything about it so moaning's not to you isnt going to help. If the cow starts mooing a tad too loudly, suggest he goes to discuss it with the farmer or buys some earplugs, the same with the dawn chorus.

If he doesn't take heed of any of the above, i'd point out politely, yet sternly that you're here for a relaxing break, not to be a sounding post for anything and everything negative he can think to say, then go for a walk and let him ponder the thought.

Hopefully happy camping x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I personally struggle to tolerate moaning people and frequently direct the insufferable earache elsewhere. The polite "tell someone who gives a s**t approach" seems to work.

Hopefully happy camping x"

he he, you make em sound like an old married couple

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you all for your input.

Me, tactful? Diplomacy has never been my strong point!

I used to enjoy the banters on the camping forums, however, not anymore, as he has turned into a Victor Meldrew, and others have commented about it too.

I shall pluck up the courage to tell him tomorrow when I am home.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I would not consider him as a friend, merely an acquaintance.

Now, I won't let him buy me a drink if he stands next to me at the bar when I am trying to get a drink.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Pearl, 3 days of misery is on the cards for you here! Maybe he is the reason why nobody else has signed up for this trip?

...maybe this is your perfect excuse... a low level of interest so you are going to put off the trip until another time.

He doesn't sound like the sort of fella who cares for anyone else's feeling but his own (I'm gonna label this chap as 'self-centred') and therefore you shouldn't worry about how he feels if you cancel.

That's my view on the situation.

Whatever decision you make will be the right one because it will feel right for you

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Interesting take about no one else has signed up because of him!

I thought about another solution, using work as an excuse and cancel, then rebook the following week without letting him know.

Sneaky I know, and I have not grabbed the bull by the horn and tell him exactly what I think of him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You are already uncomfortable about it and concerned it won't be a positive experience, so I wouldn't bite your tongue and go with it, its not being fair to yourself.

Obviously it would be better to be tactful, so how you word it to him will be important, but I would tell him that you don't feel him being there is acceptable.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Interesting take about no one else has signed up because of him!

I thought about another solution, using work as an excuse and cancel, then rebook the following week without letting him know.

Sneaky I know, and I have not grabbed the bull by the horn and tell him exactly what I think of him.

I like it... I can't find the thumbs up icon lol.. you sneaky devil

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Certain things he said and done gave me the creeps. At one stage, I thought I had a stalker, as he kept posting in threads that I participated.

Then he asked if he could join me on my camping trips.

He got the hump when I decided to do my own things while camping over the New Year weekend, and packed up to go home early. On that trip, he pitched away from the main group claiming the pitches were water-logged. I foolishly took his words and pitched next to him without checking myself. Big mistake!

He has not made any direct advances, however, he gives me the creeps for certain, on top of his grumpiness!

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By *ue care and attentionWoman
over a year ago

birmingham

If you beat around the bush, you are only delaying the inevitable and making things uncomfortable for your self. It may end up with an outburst you hadn't planned and regret it afterwards.

Far better to have a few considered words and tell him how his behaviour makes you feel then walk away and let him think about it.

If he takes it on board there is always the opportunity to reconsider future camping events where he will be present.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ooohh.... bloody hell!

If you go on this trip we want you posting every half an hour on here saying that you are alive and well?.... no need for search parties and all that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Certain things he said and done gave me the creeps. At one stage, I thought I had a stalker, as he kept posting in threads that I participated.

Then he asked if he could join me on my camping trips.

He has not made any direct advances, however, he gives me the creeps for certain, on top of his grumpiness!

cant be doing with grumpiness... i would tell him you can come as long as your not fucking grumpy for 3 days !! and its nothing to do with the seven dwarves .....

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By *aucy3Couple
over a year ago

glasgow

life's to short,it's not fair on you,if you let this go on.

he may be hurt,when you tell him,but maybe he will become a better person.

sometimes people don't know,until someone points it out.

good luck.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Done it, via e-mail.

He may not like it, however, it has to be done.

I shall keep you posted about what happens next.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It had to be done Pearl. I had a friend in a similar position, befriended someone on a night out, and spent years meeting them for a miserable night until they finally ended it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I don't feel bad about it, just a tad uncomfortable, that's all.

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By *oddyWoman
over a year ago

between havant and chichester

i would threaten to tie him to the nearest tree stark naked covered in peanut butter

and go off sight seeing for the day then he would have something to moan about

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

He would moan about the peanut butter being the wrong kind, or the tree being the wrong tree, or the view not being very pleasant etc...

He will always have something to moan about!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

This gent is a real life Victor Meldrew!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"He would moan about the peanut butter being the wrong kind, or the tree being the wrong tree, or the view not being very pleasant etc...

He will always have something to moan about!

I hope you wrote that email informing him of the cancelation to his taste

Anyway, good on you Pearl. A weight off your shoulders

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

He has replied, in his usual grumpy tone.

He does not appear to get it that his antagonism and negativity is putting me and possibly other people off him.

He says he will camp at the same time as me as he has already made plans and paid the deposit etc., however, he would ask for a pitch away from mine.

I have informed the campsite as such, hopefully, they will be able to help by putting him as far away from me as possible.

It is a big site with 2 toilet blocks, so I am sure they will be able to help.

No doubt the site owner will remember him, as even his booking process turned into a drama!

He said I did not state in my e-mail whether he is the reason I am cancelling the meet, so I told him it is.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"He has replied, in his usual grumpy tone.

He does not appear to get it that his antagonism and negativity is putting me and possibly other people off him.

He says he will camp at the same time as me as he has already made plans and paid the deposit etc., however, he would ask for a pitch away from mine.

I have informed the campsite as such, hopefully, they will be able to help by putting him as far away from me as possible.

It is a big site with 2 toilet blocks, so I am sure they will be able to help.

No doubt the site owner will remember him, as even his booking process turned into a drama!

He said I did not state in my e-mail whether he is the reason I am cancelling the meet, so I told him it is.

so he didnt take kindly to the criticism???? hes obviously beyond redemption ...you did the right thing tho Pearl you got it off your chest !!!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

His opening line was something in the line of he could not understand why his posts/threads in the camping forums has such an effect on me, or be of particular interests to me.

He does not realise it is not just me who has an issue with him, FFS!

No hope!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"His opening line was something in the line of he could not understand why his posts/threads in the camping forums has such an effect on me, or be of particular interests to me.

He does not realise it is not just me who has an issue with him, FFS!

No hope!

u tried !!!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I held back from contributing in his latest thread about nature's noises as I did not want to appear to be antagonistic and appear to pick fight with a "friend".

However, I can speak out now, as the gloves are off.

What I really wanted to say in that thread is something in the line of whatever next? Complain about the noise from the wind, rain or thunderstorm that keep him awake at night?

Try suing the gods and see how far it will get him, FFS!

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

Fuck him.

Does he not like dogs?

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

Hope he's not dyslexic or he may really try "suing the gods". The RPSAC won't be happy.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

He does not mind my dog.

I have decided against organising any camping meets in the future, as I would rather be on my own, than having to mingle with complete weirdo's!

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