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Have I done the right thing

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

As some of you are aware I care for my mum full time. She has been in hospital recently and whilst in there the nurse found a large lump in her breast. They left it to us to break the news to her. She is out of hospital and on the mend and we have an appointment for the breast clinic tomorrow. Bearing in mind she isn't really a well person and has dementia. Me and my elder sister decided not to worry mum about the lump and have kept it from her. We have decided to tell her that it's a routine check up as she has never once visited a clinic for a mammogram. Now I'm thinking should we tell her tomorrow what is actually happening or not. I'm really not sure how to play this one out. We have refrained from telling my younger sister because she would have gone against us and told my mum straight away. Was that a wrong thing to do as well? It's just we know whether it be the wrong or right thing to do she would have told mum regardless. And tbh mum didn't need the worry of this whilst in hospital getting over her other illnesses

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm sorry you're having a horrid time OP but only you really know what's best in this situation. You've made a decision with the best of intentions.

I hope everything works out well for you and your mum.

Tink

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It sounds to me like you are withholding the information with the best intentions and that's what matters. As it stands you don't know if there is anything to worry about so there is no need to get your mum upset for what hopefully will be nothing.

I hope it turns out ok x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'm sorry you're having a horrid time OP but only you really know what's best in this situation. You've made a decision with the best of intentions.

I hope everything works out well for you and your mum.

Tink"

totally agree with that, you know all invloved so you have to make that call.

I wish you, your Mam and your family all the very best x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tough one..

Think your younger sister might be less forgiving that your mother who with Dementia might perhaps forget that you have in fact told her.

I understand why you'd want to keep this from her but i believe she has the right to know whats going on with her body.

id probs tell your younger sister, have an adult conversation and decide all 3 of you what to do. You might consume yourselves with guilt if you dont inform your mother. Have Dr's given you any advice?

Id ultimately wait to see the facts 1st though. It might be a cyst

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i work with elderly people and i've known family not break bad health news to a relative if they judge it will do more harm than good quite often;

you know her best,...you could tell her it's routine and worry her less,maybe until you have an outcome..could be a harmless cyst or something thats easily dealt with. i feel for you,it's very stressful carrying the worry yourself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its a lump it may not be nothing .. My mum has dementia some day you can still chat to her but next day she will not know what you was chatting about she forget. I think I would just say your having a cheek up and go from there as you don't know yourself. And I would tell your sister as its her mum too.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

I think you should tell the sister, think about how you would feel if it was kept from you. I also think you could tell your mum too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I bitterly regret not lying to my father when he was dying and had dementia. I could've saved him a few hours of sadness.

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By *uddlybear2015Man
over a year ago

BEDFORD


"As some of you are aware I care for my mum full time. She has been in hospital recently and whilst in there the nurse found a large lump in her breast. They left it to us to break the news to her. She is out of hospital and on the mend and we have an appointment for the breast clinic tomorrow. Bearing in mind she isn't really a well person and has dementia. Me and my elder sister decided not to worry mum about the lump and have kept it from her. We have decided to tell her that it's a routine check up as she has never once visited a clinic for a mammogram. Now I'm thinking should we tell her tomorrow what is actually happening or not. I'm really not sure how to play this one out. We have refrained from telling my younger sister because she would have gone against us and told my mum straight away. Was that a wrong thing to do as well? It's just we know whether it be the wrong or right thing to do she would have told mum regardless. And tbh mum didn't need the worry of this whilst in hospital getting over her other illnesses "

Having seen the stress and trauma breast cancer brings,in your situation, I would most likely made the same decision as yourselves. Best of luck to all of you x

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By *imon 2kMan
over a year ago

city


"As some of you are aware I care for my mum full time. She has been in hospital recently and whilst in there the nurse found a large lump in her breast. They left it to us to break the news to her. She is out of hospital and on the mend and we have an appointment for the breast clinic tomorrow. Bearing in mind she isn't really a well person and has dementia. Me and my elder sister decided not to worry mum about the lump and have kept it from her. We have decided to tell her that it's a routine check up as she has never once visited a clinic for a mammogram. Now I'm thinking should we tell her tomorrow what is actually happening or not. I'm really not sure how to play this one out. We have refrained from telling my younger sister because she would have gone against us and told my mum straight away. Was that a wrong thing to do as well? It's just we know whether it be the wrong or right thing to do she would have told mum regardless. And tbh mum didn't need the worry of this whilst in hospital getting over her other illnesses "

Because you care for your mother full time I think it is up to you to do whatever you feel is right for her at this present time.

No matter what the outcome is after the tests results come out, you will always question the decision you made. Was I right?was I wrong?

As long as you know in your own heart, that you have done what you think is best for your mother, then nothing else matters.

good luck with the tests

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By *opsy RogersWoman
over a year ago

London

Wait.

Talk to the oncology doc before making any decisions as the course of treatment may alter what you need to tell her.

Most people die with a cancer somewhere in their body, it's just that we don't know about it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You're assuming it's cancer?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My philosophy is Don't worry until someone gives you something to worry about. I've had a few tests to rule out cancer, which is what they are doing. They aren't confirming it's cancer.

I wouldn't say anything to my mum, if she had dementia, until the diagnosis. I would tell my sisters and brother.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

For what it's worth I think you've made the right decision. The mammogram will chuck out the results and then you and your sisters can decide on the way to talk to your mum.

You've a lot on your plate, look after yourself to x

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"My philosophy is Don't worry until someone gives you something to worry about. I've had a few tests to rule out cancer, which is what they are doing. They aren't confirming it's cancer.

I wouldn't say anything to my mum, if she had dementia, until the diagnosis. I would tell my sisters and brother.

"

Yes this, cross each bridge as you come to it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"As some of you are aware I care for my mum full time. She has been in hospital recently and whilst in there the nurse found a large lump in her breast. They left it to us to break the news to her. She is out of hospital and on the mend and we have an appointment for the breast clinic tomorrow. Bearing in mind she isn't really a well person and has dementia. Me and my elder sister decided not to worry mum about the lump and have kept it from her. We have decided to tell her that it's a routine check up as she has never once visited a clinic for a mammogram. Now I'm thinking should we tell her tomorrow what is actually happening or not. I'm really not sure how to play this one out. We have refrained from telling my younger sister because she would have gone against us and told my mum straight away. Was that a wrong thing to do as well? It's just we know whether it be the wrong or right thing to do she would have told mum regardless. And tbh mum didn't need the worry of this whilst in hospital getting over her other illnesses "
it may be benign so surely the sooner they get to it the better?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh what a tough time for you xx

I would agree with others. Find out more before you tell (or not) gping forwards.

Are you part of any support groups?

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By *orkie321bWoman
over a year ago

Nottingham

Wow, what a tough decision to have to make. I honestly don't know what i would do in your situation OP.

It is a completely different situation but i will share what happened with my gran.

She had been unwell and in hospital for a couple of weeks. The doctors finally diagnosed end stage cancer and told my mum (an only child). She made the decision not to tell gran what was wrong with her as the doctors said she had days left. Less than 13 hours later we were called back to the hospital and gran passed away a few minutes after we got there.

She chose not to tell gran because she didn't want her to worry at the end. Grandad was still alive and had dementia, was blind and a double amputee. Gran would not have been able to slip away peacefully thinking grandad wouldn't be able to manage without her.

Sometimes you have to do what's best for them. I would wait until you know more after the visit to the breast clinic. It could be nothing to worry about but if there is something wrong the doctors and nurses will help you to decide how much your mum will understand and should be told.

Hugs. Xxx

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Its very tough. I don't know your family dynamic obviously but excluding your sister could back fire.

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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago

Paisley

Depends on how bad your Mum's dementia is. Only you will know whether she'd understand what was going on or not. As mentioned before you could say it's a routine checkup due to her age.

I'd tell your sister on the understanding she doesn't say anything to your Mum.

Hope it all goes well.

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By *oyuer99Man
over a year ago

PRESTON

You have gone with your instinct and nobody has the right to judge you for that least of all yourself. I can only wish you the best of luck and send a hug.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

I'd share with your sister, so there's no imbalance of power amongst you. If the less likely scenario happens, your sister may hold onto the source of her not being told, creating more ill-will further down the line.

I can see why you've acted as you have and it's honourable, for the right reasons. Thinking of you, at a tough time.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thanku everyone for your wise words and well wishes. Today was d-day. I did tell my sister who really wasn't interested but I knew she wouldn't be as she has made no contact with mum since coming out the hospital, although lives two minutes round the corner. But anyway we told mum it was a routine checkup. And she was ok with that. But we have been today and because of her disability they wasn't able to give her a mammogram so gave her an ultrasound scan which has picked up a large lump in her breast and one in her armpit. So now they are taking mum in as a day case to give her a scan and biopsy. The consultant and the nurse was amazing as they sat and explained everything to mum what is going on. No doubt by tomorrow she will forget what they have told her. Fingers crossed that everything is ok but I am preparing myself if it isn't

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sending you positive vibes OP, big hugs xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hard times op

You have our sympathies x

Stay positive

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Its very tough. I don't know your family dynamic obviously but excluding your sister could back fire."

That's my gut instinct. Personally I'd prefer to be gentle and transparent with everyone, regardless of the difficulties, as it allows everyone capacity to decision-make. I don't know the dynamics of your family, or mum's capacity but from a professional perspective even with limited capacity it's important to involve the person at the centre of the care and their family fully. I understand the pause prior to results, that's a judgement call but excluding some and including others can really cause problems down the line, especially if it's bad news just when you need to be united. I'd tell my sister and why I was pausing but acknowledging that it was unfair to have done so.

Regardless, I wish you all love and strength and I hope things are ok.

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