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A self indulgence.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I'm a tad up and down at the mo so I thought I'd share a little of what it's like to be someone like me.

I hope you don't mind.

.

.

.

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel this way. It makes me cry so much and often I don't really know why I'm so upset.

I cry because I'm happy. I cry because I'm thinking about the past. I cry because I dispair for my future, whatever that may be.

I try to live for the moment. To savour the highs. I've always felt I've had to hide the way I see myself. I see a pirouetting, weightless dancer. I imagine I'm on my toes, spinning and dancing. My arms outstretched creating beautiful sculpture around me.

That's me. That's who I am.

My butterflies are much more pertinent than I realised when I had them inserted into my flesh. I'm releasing myself from my shell. I don't want to be the grey figure sat observing from the corner any longer.

I want to be me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

End of the day You have to be true to who you are as a person. Life is to short not to be happy but we cant be 24/7 can we. I like to think positive as I know when I have been down over the years that's the one thing that's helped as what we think become true to us I find. x[ BIG HUGS X]

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

I sometimes wonder what life would have been like had a remained straight and decided it would be much the same except without the occasional cock.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'm a tad up and down at the mo so I thought I'd share a little of what it's like to be someone like me.

I hope you don't mind.

.

.

.

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel this way. It makes me cry so much and often I don't really know why I'm so upset.

I cry because I'm happy. I cry because I'm thinking about the past. I cry because I dispair for my future, whatever that may be.

I try to live for the moment. To savour the highs. I've always felt I've had to hide the way I see myself. I see a pirouetting, weightless dancer. I imagine I'm on my toes, spinning and dancing. My arms outstretched creating beautiful sculpture around me.

That's me. That's who I am.

My butterflies are much more pertinent than I realised when I had them inserted into my flesh. I'm releasing myself from my shell. I don't want to be the grey figure sat observing from the corner any longer.

I want to be me.

"

That was both poignant and uplifting, at times in life we all have highs and lows. However some just waltz through the World without a care, so when I read that, your doing brilliantly and you deserve lots and lots of hugs!

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By *a Fee VerteWoman
over a year ago

Limbo

Rachael, for what it's worth, the impression you give of yourself on the forums (IMO) is as one of the nicest, kindest, funniest people here with a brilliant infectious smile. I can't even begin to imagine what it feels like to be born in the wrong body but I can empathise with that sitting in the corner feeling. None of us knows for sure what the future holds but I hope you can continue to be true to yourself and properly emerge from your shell so you can enjoy being who you are instead of having to hide how you feel.

That probably sounded a bit crap, sorry

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Rachael, for what it's worth, the impression you give of yourself on the forums (IMO) is as one of the nicest, kindest, funniest people here with a brilliant infectious smile. I can't even begin to imagine what it feels like to be born in the wrong body but I can empathise with that sitting in the corner feeling. None of us knows for sure what the future holds but I hope you can continue to be true to yourself and properly emerge from your shell so you can enjoy being who you are instead of having to hide how you feel.

That probably sounded a bit crap, sorry "

Im agreeing with what she said not with it being crappy

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Rachael, for what it's worth, the impression you give of yourself on the forums (IMO) is as one of the nicest, kindest, funniest people here with a brilliant infectious smile. I can't even begin to imagine what it feels like to be born in the wrong body but I can empathise with that sitting in the corner feeling. None of us knows for sure what the future holds but I hope you can continue to be true to yourself and properly emerge from your shell so you can enjoy being who you are instead of having to hide how you feel.

That probably sounded a bit crap, sorry "

It sounded perfect and very kind. Thank you xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Rachael, for what it's worth, the impression you give of yourself on the forums (IMO) is as one of the nicest, kindest, funniest people here with a brilliant infectious smile. I can't even begin to imagine what it feels like to be born in the wrong body but I can empathise with that sitting in the corner feeling. None of us knows for sure what the future holds but I hope you can continue to be true to yourself and properly emerge from your shell so you can enjoy being who you are instead of having to hide how you feel.

That probably sounded a bit crap, sorry "

I completely agree with this. It must be so hard to be in the wrong body and the journey and battle to get to a place you're happy with must be full of highs and lows. Life can be so bloody unfair but your posts on the forum show you as a lovely genuine person and I hope things turn out exactly the way you dream them to be.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You're such a lovely, gentle and kind spirit.

Huggles Tink

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thank you for sharing love your posts.

Doll x

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By *ot40sCouple
over a year ago

birmingham

Don't feel sad Rachael you come across as one of the kindest most genuine people on fab

You may not be what you want to look like on the outside but it's inner beauty that counts and you seem to have that in abundance !

I would be proud to have you as my friend

Anna x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You're completely lovely, FACT!

It's true because I said fact.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

You're such a lovely bunch.

The path I'm on is potentially a very lonely one because you have to be selfish to proceed and that often pushes those close away.

My step daughter, for instance, would rather I had kept this to myself so she doesn't have to explain it to her friends.

I get that and I feel torn, because I love her. I don't want to make her life awkward but neither can I back up and go back to pretending I'm happy as a male.

I literally sit in the corner and watch in a social situation unless I'm out a female.

Friday night I danced all night and became part of a hen do.

Saturday we met a bunch of girls at pride and ended up dancing with them before they took us for a meal.

Sunday I was at a 1920's themed casino night.

I'm full of confidence and fun when I'm not hiding and I always get pulled into groups out for the night. I want that from now on.

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By *ot40sCouple
over a year ago

birmingham


"You're such a lovely bunch.

The path I'm on is potentially a very lonely one because you have to be selfish to proceed and that often pushes those close away.

My step daughter, for instance, would rather I had kept this to myself so she doesn't have to explain it to her friends.

I get that and I feel torn, because I love her. I don't want to make her life awkward but neither can I back up and go back to pretending I'm happy as a male.

I literally sit in the corner and watch in a social situation unless I'm out a female.

Friday night I danced all night and became part of a hen do.

Saturday we met a bunch of girls at pride and ended up dancing with them before they took us for a meal.

Sunday I was at a 1920's themed casino night.

I'm full of confidence and fun when I'm not hiding and I always get pulled into groups out for the night. I want that from now on. "

Rachael your story makes me feel so sad.. life is for living and being happy within your self

You've probably seen the transition of Bruce Jenner into Caitlin

He waited till he was 65 to get to a stage he in his life where he was happy within his skin

Do what makes you happy you can't live your life for others so sadly that may mean being a little selfish

I truly hope you find the peace and happiness you deserve

Anna x

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"You're such a lovely bunch.

The path I'm on is potentially a very lonely one because you have to be selfish to proceed and that often pushes those close away.

My step daughter, for instance, would rather I had kept this to myself so she doesn't have to explain it to her friends.

I get that and I feel torn, because I love her. I don't want to make her life awkward but neither can I back up and go back to pretending I'm happy as a male.

I literally sit in the corner and watch in a social situation unless I'm out a female.

Friday night I danced all night and became part of a hen do.

Saturday we met a bunch of girls at pride and ended up dancing with them before they took us for a meal.

Sunday I was at a 1920's themed casino night.

I'm full of confidence and fun when I'm not hiding and I always get pulled into groups out for the night. I want that from now on.

Rachael your story makes me feel so sad.. life is for living and being happy within your self

You've probably seen the transition of Bruce Jenner into Caitlin

He waited till he was 65 to get to a stage he in his life where he was happy within his skin

Do what makes you happy you can't live your life for others so sadly that may mean being a little selfish

I truly hope you find the peace and happiness you deserve

Anna x"

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Revisiting this, hoping that's ok. ''Tis a self indulgence anyhow

The one time as a male I open up is when I have a microphone and I'm singing.

I've sung as me several times now and New Year's Eve I was the dj in our local and sang there. I was amongst friends and most people already knew.

I went to the next village Saturday night and walked into their much bigger pub alone.

I was in a lbd and was somewhat over dressed but I felt confident as me. I met some friends who were expecting me and another who I haven't seen for an age. Even when talking to her it took several minutes for her to recognise who she used to know.

I sang. As I did I overheard someone say loudly 'OMG. It's her singing.' I didn't hear anyone use a he or him all night.

The landlord, who never sings, dedicated a song to me and asked me to draw the raffle.

I felt on top of the world.

I'd never have gone in there alone as a guy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Revisiting this, hoping that's ok. ''Tis a self indulgence anyhow

The one time as a male I open up is when I have a microphone and I'm singing.

I've sung as me several times now and New Year's Eve I was the dj in our local and sang there. I was amongst friends and most people already knew.

I went to the next village Saturday night and walked into their much bigger pub alone.

I was in a lbd and was somewhat over dressed but I felt confident as me. I met some friends who were expecting me and another who I haven't seen for an age. Even when talking to her it took several minutes for her to recognise who she used to know.

I sang. As I did I overheard someone say loudly 'OMG. It's her singing.' I didn't hear anyone use a he or him all night.

The landlord, who never sings, dedicated a song to me and asked me to draw the raffle.

I felt on top of the world.

I'd never have gone in there alone as a guy. "
That sounds a fab evening and its lovely you could be you with your friends around .. that bar man sounds lovely too. I hope you get to do that again soon. xxjo

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek


"Revisiting this, hoping that's ok. ''Tis a self indulgence anyhow

The one time as a male I open up is when I have a microphone and I'm singing.

I've sung as me several times now and New Year's Eve I was the dj in our local and sang there. I was amongst friends and most people already knew.

I went to the next village Saturday night and walked into their much bigger pub alone.

I was in a lbd and was somewhat over dressed but I felt confident as me. I met some friends who were expecting me and another who I haven't seen for an age. Even when talking to her it took several minutes for her to recognise who she used to know.

I sang. As I did I overheard someone say loudly 'OMG. It's her singing.' I didn't hear anyone use a he or him all night.

The landlord, who never sings, dedicated a song to me and asked me to draw the raffle.

I felt on top of the world.

I'd never have gone in there alone as a guy. "

This my angel, has put a rather large smile on my mush.

Adore you I do.

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By *rontier PsychiatristMan
over a year ago

Coventry

What a lovely post and what a beautiful mind have. Your positivity has made me smile and reminded of the beauty there is in this existance. Something that is easily missed amongst the troubles of this world. Very inspirational. Thanks for setting my day off on the right foot.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I know there are quite a few of the regulars who like to see my progress and I hope others get the courage to be themselves too. I'm not just talking about trans people either.

Xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

well racheal - you always make me smile xx

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