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"Do you what's best for you and your wife. She's old enough to make her choices and live with the consequences. She clearly doesn't get on with her, but that's no reason not to be civil about things. If she doesn't want to respect boundaries then it's time for you to enforce them and let her go. Remember it's her choice not yours. You're always there if she needs you. On your terms not hers. Best of luck. MHG" Very difficult but at her age I have to agree with this | |||
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"Do you what's best for you and your wife. She's old enough to make her choices and live with the consequences. She clearly doesn't get on with her, but that's no reason not to be civil about things. If she doesn't want to respect boundaries then it's time for you to enforce them and let her go. Remember it's her choice not yours. You're always there if she needs you. On your terms not hers. Best of luck. MHG" Pretty much this, she is being totally unreasonable in her demands.. Hopefully she will see sense and accept you are still there for her but you have the right to a life with someone and she should as an adult respect this.. Good luck Op .. | |||
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" I almost feel I should have just forsaken relationships and just been a parent. " Good lord no, it's your life to. Your daughter will probably see that as selfish but in time when she has forged her own relationships and had kids she will understand I wish I'd been kinder to my parents! | |||
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"At this point of her life, if she is not mature enough to treat the wife that makes you happy, with at least a bit of civility, then it's probably time she learnt to grow up the hard way... As long as she knows that your door is always open in the future to a more stable relationship then unless you're prepared to divorce your wife on your daughters say so... Having said that, the stories and personal experience of step children who have been friends over the years, especially where both came to the relationship with children, or had one together afterwards, many felt there was unfair treatment in comparison to the paternal/maternal child... not implying this is relevant to your situation, from your post your daughter seems to be the more unreasonable one, at her age you have to wonder why. I'm guessing you want to live happily ever after with your wife, whilst you want your daughter to carry on experiencing working around the world, one day finding a partner and living happily ever after... " My daughter is very stubborn, itellegent, (she has a law degree), and demanding. My wife is on the autistic spectrum and very blunt at times. She has always struggled to be sympathetic to my daughters demanding behaviour. It has just got worse as the years have gone on. To me, they set each other off and clash because of their conflicting personalities. I thjnnnone of the reasons my wife loves me is because she likes being the more manly one. The draconian one in the relationship. I'm the cuddly one who the kids talk their problems over with. | |||
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"At this point of her life, if she is not mature enough to treat the wife that makes you happy, with at least a bit of civility, then it's probably time she learnt to grow up the hard way... As long as she knows that your door is always open in the future to a more stable relationship then unless you're prepared to divorce your wife on your daughters say so... Having said that, the stories and personal experience of step children who have been friends over the years, especially where both came to the relationship with children, or had one together afterwards, many felt there was unfair treatment in comparison to the paternal/maternal child... not implying this is relevant to your situation, from your post your daughter seems to be the more unreasonable one, at her age you have to wonder why. I'm guessing you want to live happily ever after with your wife, whilst you want your daughter to carry on experiencing working around the world, one day finding a partner and living happily ever after... My daughter is very stubborn, itellegent, (she has a law degree), and demanding. My wife is on the autistic spectrum and very blunt at times. She has always struggled to be sympathetic to my daughters demanding behaviour. It has just got worse as the years have gone on. To me, they set each other off and clash because of their conflicting personalities. I thjnnnone of the reasons my wife loves me is because she likes being the more manly one. The draconian one in the relationship. I'm the cuddly one who the kids talk their problems over with. " I really feel for you Rachael as I have two daughters of which I do not see one......it's complicated! My other daughter I see almost on a daily basis, and see needs me very much due to her health. While obviously she does not know about my life on here, she has spoken about me getting attached again with mixed feelings. One the one hand she wants me to get on with someone but she feels if I do she will lose some of me....which I hope would never happen......but! So I get what your going through and your not alone | |||
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"Parents. People who've had parents. Sons of god. Argh. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I got custody of both my daughters very young from their mothers. My youngest is just turning 22 and my wife and her have never got on. They had a massive row a few months ago just before my daughter went abroad to work. Now she's back the row continues. My question; are your kids supposed to be first forever? Can you not fall in love and have a partner who becomes a close equal to your priority? My daughter says no. If I can't say she's number one to hell with the effect of what she asks on my marriage then our relationship is broken. She will have to move on and forget me. The fight between them I just can't resolve. I see both sides my daughter thinks I should just tell my wife this is my decision live with it or get out. Argh!!!!!! " Sorry but if it was me and my daughter told me that I had to take her side or that's it, then I'm afraid she would be very disappointed. I make my own choices and children have to respect that end of. | |||
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"Parents. People who've had parents. Sons of god. Argh. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I got custody of both my daughters very young from their mothers. My youngest is just turning 22 and my wife and her have never got on. They had a massive row a few months ago just before my daughter went abroad to work. Now she's back the row continues. My question; are your kids supposed to be first forever? Can you not fall in love and have a partner who becomes a close equal to your priority? My daughter says no. If I can't say she's number one to hell with the effect of what she asks on my marriage then our relationship is broken. She will have to move on and forget me. The fight between them I just can't resolve. I see both sides my daughter thinks I should just tell my wife this is my decision live with it or get out. Argh!!!!!! " There isn't a simple answer to that for some its yes others no but once they become adults maybe they should be treat as equals rather than first or last. | |||
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"Parents. People who've had parents. Sons of god. Argh. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I got custody of both my daughters very young from their mothers. My youngest is just turning 22 and my wife and her have never got on. They had a massive row a few months ago just before my daughter went abroad to work. Now she's back the row continues. My question; are your kids supposed to be first forever? Can you not fall in love and have a partner who becomes a close equal to your priority? My daughter says no. If I can't say she's number one to hell with the effect of what she asks on my marriage then our relationship is broken. She will have to move on and forget me. The fight between them I just can't resolve. I see both sides my daughter thinks I should just tell my wife this is my decision live with it or get out. Argh!!!!!! " Think of it like this, if you had only met one woman and she was the mother of your child. Would you allow either of them to blackm@il each other out of your life. Children do come first. But parenting is not about friendship, saying no and setting boundaries and examples of reasonable behaviour are part of it. What if it was the two daughters who fell out? Would you throw one out on the others say so? If you have seen both sides and this is a pissing contest to see who has more influence and is not about anything substantial then you have to set the lines about what is acceptable behaviour. | |||
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"I feel like I'm going back on my promise to my daughters. I've been with my now wife for fifteen years. We split up before getting back together and marrying. When we discussed the reasons for our breakup it revolved around lack of communication and kids. We decided we needed to start thinking about our needs too. We opened up fully, hence me coming out to her as bi and as gender confused! We decided to make time for us and we take a few days away now and then. The kids don't seem to get this even though we've explained. We have four kids. Two each. Four estranged parents. It was hard work trying to bring them up with minimal damage from our previous failed relationships and all four are doing well. My youngest has always needed that extra attention. She's a bit of a drama lover. I almost feel I should have just forsaken relationships and just been a parent. " She's 22?! She sounds very selfish and childish. You've been a parent for 22+ years. You are still a parent but they are all adults ffs. Sounds like they are trying to emotionally black mail you. It's YOUR turn to live now! x | |||
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"Well I've just spent an hour and a half talking to my step daughter about this. As you imagine the bathroom I'm supposed to be fitting kinda isn't getting fitted! She's telling me all the kids are struggling because my wife and I have pulled back a bit from them and started doing own own thing more. She is cross about me coming out as trans. Saying she'll never understand and doesn't want to. More though, she says my nearly 22 yr old is just very needy and so I should continue to be the ultra caring parent I've always been. Taking the daily crisis calls (I still do) and not think of myself so much. Still frustrated. " OP I am worried they will make you ill from all the stress .. It cant go on .. Let them know what its doing to you.? Its not all about them. X BIG HUGS X | |||
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"Well I've just spent an hour and a half talking to my step daughter about this. As you imagine the bathroom I'm supposed to be fitting kinda isn't getting fitted! She's telling me all the kids are struggling because my wife and I have pulled back a bit from them and started doing own own thing more. She is cross about me coming out as trans. Saying she'll never understand and doesn't want to. More though, she says my nearly 22 yr old is just very needy and so I should continue to be the ultra caring parent I've always been. Taking the daily crisis calls (I still do) and not think of myself so much. Still frustrated. OP I am worried they will make you ill from all the stress .. It cant go on .. Let them know what its doing to you.? Its not all about them. X BIG HUGS X" Definitely this | |||
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"Well I've just spent an hour and a half talking to my step daughter about this. As you imagine the bathroom I'm supposed to be fitting kinda isn't getting fitted! She's telling me all the kids are struggling because my wife and I have pulled back a bit from them and started doing own own thing more. She is cross about me coming out as trans. Saying she'll never understand and doesn't want to. More though, she says my nearly 22 yr old is just very needy and so I should continue to be the ultra caring parent I've always been. Taking the daily crisis calls (I still do) and not think of myself so much. Still frustrated. OP I am worried they will make you ill from all the stress .. It cant go on .. Let them know what its doing to you.? Its not all about them. X BIG HUGS X" Thank you. I've ridden out a lot worse. I got custody twice over. That wasn't a walk in the park. Once again fab forumites are helping me get my head straight (I know; me. Straight. lol) I knew there were a lot of parents on here and you're doing me proud. There is no book to guide you. We're only human and we don't always get it right. | |||
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"Partners have a tendency to come and go. A child is forever, or until they don't need you anymore. Personally my children would come before any partner i had. They are my blood. But obviously life is not that simple. This is partly why i am single, i know i would happily tell a bloke to do one if he fell out with my kids, although there is a massive difference as mine are 5 and 7. I don't know what to suggest, but i hope things resolve themselves before anything drastic happens. " | |||
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