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Anyone want to be my agony aunt?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

So I am separating from my partner and although I have no feelings about this I am struggling with the thought of my kids being hurt in anyway by the separation.

My kids mean the world to me and I will be living in a shared house until I can arrange a mortgage for my own place.

Now I know that they are putting on a straight by face but Dee down they are upset and that's the thing I cannot cope with.

How can I make sure they know that they are everything to me and I am more than sorry that they have been put through the separation?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

hot old are your kids?

I was about 8/9 when my parents split up, lived with my mum but still got to see my dad every week or so so it didn't affect me that much

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

They are 16 and 13 and although my son who is the oldest likes to put on a strong facade, cried on me which cut me to peaces inside, now I have to fully explain the my 13 year old before I leave Nf I am struggling to muster the conference trip needed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

They'll know.

Hopefully the pair of you have sat them down & said that it's something between you two & the kids had no bearing on it,

It's been a year since I split with my hubby, he lives 5 minutes away & we make sure we're extremely pleasant in front of our boy plus he sees him very regularly.

Just don't be negative about their Mum & yes they may be angry now they'll accept it over time especially if it's amicable from their viewpoint.

Good luck OP

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By *ink Panther.Woman
over a year ago

Preston

I feel your pain OP your kids are everything and the thought of hurting them in soul destroying. The one thing keeping me where I am for now. Just be their Dad as you always have and love them as you always will

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So I am separating from my partner and although I have no feelings about this I am struggling with the thought of my kids being hurt in anyway by the separation.

My kids mean the world to me and I will be living in a shared house until I can arrange a mortgage for my own place.

Now I know that they are putting on a straight by face but Dee down they are upset and that's the thing I cannot cope with.

How can I make sure they know that they are everything to me and I am more than sorry that they have been put through the separation? "

I can help. Been through it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Keep in contact, don't ever let them feel as though you're not there for them. They cope better than you think but you have to let them know that you're still dad and nothing or no one is going to change that.

My kids dad did all that, then within months he cut off contact. That hurts more than him leaving.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My ex walked out on me and my daughter October it was hard for her at first and she kept asking for him ect but now she's ok with it and says I'm going daddies Saturday. So I suppose it just takes time to adjust.

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

It's never an easy time for all concerned, especially the kids, and sorry you're going through it. My advice would be to be there for them as much as you can, and that remains within the boundaries you and your ex (if you can) agree on.

See them as regularly as possible, talk to them on the phone when you're not seeing them, drop them emails or keep in touch via social media - just let them know they're still very much part of their life even if you're not part of their Mum's.

One thing to be wary of, don't over compensate and end up spoiling them or giving them an easy ride when it comes to normal discipline type things, you're still their Dad in all respects and that includes being the tough guy when you need to be.

Try not to argue with your ex in front of them, no matter how fraught things might get at times.

It's a tough time but you can get through it and just by showing your kids that you love them and that nothing has really changed apart from you not living with their Mum any more, they'll get through it too.

Good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"They are 16 and 13 and although my son who is the oldest likes to put on a strong facade, cried on me which cut me to peaces inside, now I have to fully explain the my 13 year old before I leave Nf I am struggling to muster the conference trip needed"

You should definitely sit down with both you children and your partner and explain to the children together, you and your parent should still be civil and kind to each other in front of your kids and that will help them a lot trust me. The worst thing would be for your kids to see their parents hating each other

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I know this place is not exactly meant for this but your comments are amazing.

My soul mission is to get my own place where that can visit whenever they please, and I make sure that they know that although me and their mum don't see eye to eye, it is nothing to do with them.

I suppose it is the thought of not coming home each night and being there for them that is eating away at me.

My kids are strong people but no matter how much they keep up this strong facade, I can see that they are hurt by it

Thank you all for your comments, I suppose it is a matter of coming to terms with the fact that I cannot stop this from hurting the. But I cannot the effect on their lives.

Sorry to get to get so deep but sometimes a bit of venting helps keep you from loosing your shit.

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By *arksMan
over a year ago

in the centre

When I had to leave my kids it destroyed me , but it made me a better dad to them , the time we spend together is more focused on them without every day life getting in the way. People say kids are resilient and it's true they probably cope with these sort of things better than us adults do , just be there for them and as some others have said no matter how you feel toward your ex don't bad mouth her to them as they will be juggling feelings towards you both and won't want to be made to feel like they have to agree or take sides

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My ex and I sat down together and told our boys. We told them its nothing that they did or said and that both of us are there for them still just can't live with each other.

That was 6yrs ago and the kids have better relationship now with him than ever before x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You tell them

Guy i lived with had 2 kids 7/5. We had them weekends. His split was not too nice

1 day the oldest asked me why mummy & daddy didnt love him anymore. Onebig tear i can tell you.

The SELFISH PARENTS hadnt sat the kids down and talked to them .just 1 simple sentence.

Mum & Dad love you guys so much ...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thanks Warms, I want to make sure they know how much they mean to me (which is everything ) due to the way the relationship ship has ended there is nothing in terms of bitterness.

I suppose they are dealing with this in there own way, I just wish they didn't have to.

Think I will take on the advice and make sure they benefit from the more chilled and focussed me.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thanks all you guys and ladies...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can speak from experience. When my husband and I decided to separate we made sure the boys were involved where ever possible. We had honest open conversations that didn't involve us screaming at each other. We endeavoured to make sure that the children we made together were our main focus throughout the transition period. Everything you've read is indeed positive. The way you're feeling is normal and you need to allow yourself credit for feeling the way you do because it will ensure you will stay focused on easing your children through this. Of course it affects them, they will have a whole host of emotions to work through. Just always be honest without being hurtful as to why??!! This will always be their main question. I just used to say "" because I don't love dad in the way a mum should and that's not fair on anyone". Never ever promise them something and then change your mind. Do not buy things to over compensate. Keeping their boundaries ensures their stability in what is an immediate unstable time. Making time to still be a family is important so if you can still have one meal together regularly you're teaching your children how to maintain a relationship or be it a different one. Good luck, remember children deserve two happy parents not two unhappy ones. How your children come through this is how you and your wife conduct yourselves through your break up. Hugs xx xx

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By *r_PinkMan
over a year ago

london stratford

My mother and father separated when I was 7 and as "the child", all I can say was that my dad specifically made sure I knew it had nothing to do with me, that he loved me and that he would always be there for me.

And the most important things was that he was a man of his word and he probed it as je did as he said and was there for my until the day he died.

So my advice is to tell them all of the above and prove it to them.

Good lick my friend

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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago

Paisley

I've been separated 12 years. Biggest thing I can say is keep in contact with your kids. Don't spoil them but don't let them down either. Pick them up on time, if you can't take them when you're meant to at least have the decency to tell them and arrange an alternate day if possible.

Don't speak badly of their Mum in front of them. I'm sure they've worked out what's happening. They aren't kids treat them as young adults.

There are many who have gone through this and we all have our own good and bad experiences.

Good luck OP hope it goes smoothly.

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By *ong legs n LingeireWoman
over a year ago

it up to me neck. :-)

It's a tough thing to do, tell your kids. I did it 8 years ago. It's surprising how much they understand. I'm sure they must have felt the tension leading up to your decision to split and as long as they know it's nothing they have done, and get to see you both as often as is possible I'm sure they will be fine.

I remember my son, who was a young teenager saying to me, after I'd explained my reason for leaving.

"I don't like what is happening, but I understand why. The last two years has been a bit bad hasn't it"

Kids are a lot more understanding than we think.

Good luck finding somewhere and keep on being the great dad you are.

All the best.

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