FabSwingers.com forum: Am I a bad person

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I've given my mother her sleeping pills earlier than usual tonight.

After a day of sheer hell from her today being awkward, trying to get her to eat a little and drink a little and she has been so nasty and uncooperative today. She suffers with dementia and is disabled. So given her her meds early so I get an extra hour down time from her. Is that bad of me wanting an hour or so extra me time?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No it isn't xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Crikey no. I packed the kids off to bed earlier than usual because I'm tired and want a bath in peace.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nope not at all

Question is will she wake up one hour earlier

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nope

Your ability to stay on top of things is paramount

Being whacked out means you won't be at your best.

Never feel guilty for taking time out

Never feel guilty for struggling with something that many just wouldn't do in the first place

Your love shines through x

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By *edonistic ExplorersCouple
over a year ago

Stratford

I feel your pain but it's not something I'd do however badly behaved I thought they'd been. Dementia is a horrid condition that affects those who are in the caring position more than the sufferer. There's no easy answer - only that we do what we feel is best for everyone. Take care. Get some 'you' time soon. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't think you're a bad person. I've worked with people with dementia and I found that difficult enough. To care for a loved one with dementia must take a hell of a lot of strength. X

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By *orkie321bWoman
over a year ago

Nottingham

OP I don't think that makes you a bad person. All it means is you are a carer who maybe needs a little bit of respite and support.

Don't be too harsh on yourself, caring for a loved one is damned hard work. Give yourself a break and be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

(((Hugs)))

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its not a bad thing at all. I do it with my autistic son on occasion where I've had enough for the day too. You need youre down time to cope with whatever tomorrow brings.

Enjoy your extra hour x

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Good Lord no!

Make the most of that time.

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By *idan31Man
over a year ago

ashby

Hats off to you for taking care of her.

Enjoy your extra hour and get a good nights sleep

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've given my mother her sleeping pills earlier than usual tonight.

don't ever feel bad for wanting you time. I'm a carer for people with severe dementia so I can very much understand the demands they make and I can go home from a 12 hour shift. emotionally draining but very rewarding. it's an awful heartbreaking disease.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's not ideal- hence your question which I think stems from guilt?

Personally- I think it's misplaced- we all do the best we can.

Try and be a bit kinder to yourself xx

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By *andsonjohnMan
over a year ago

in the eye of the storm

"I've given my mother her sleeping pills earlier than usual tonight.

i would say no but i would advice seeing your social worker about having a break from it all for a day or two because I'm sure its stress that lead to you doing what you have done .

its your mum darling your clearly stressed in my opinion your actions prove that so I'm my humble opinion its time you had a couple of days off from being a full time carer . no shame in needing that brake ether by the way .

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By *andbCouple
over a year ago

Wakefield

"I've given my mother her sleeping pills earlier than usual tonight.

It is a very difficult position to be in looking after a relative that takes up all your time, strength and energy 24 hours a day. Don't feel guilty you need the break to be able to recharge your own batteries for the tomorrows to come. Have you thought about having a paid carer come in and stay with your mum for a few hours or even over night,to give you some added regular respite. Loads of agencies about and the local Social Services should guide you to the best ones. (((hugs)))

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No you are not a bad person. It's hard work looking after someone with dementia, it's mentally draining sometimes. XXX

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you thought about rest bite care for mum? She can go in a care home for how ever long or as little as you want? Sounds like you are doing a great job and I know it is draining to care for someone with Dementia, my mum had it and I've worked with people with Dementia for 14 years now X

You need some you time, time to refreash and relax X

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

You care for her and mean well. Your wellbeing is linked to hers, so your rest benefits her too.

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By *ngandnickCouple
over a year ago

Haverhill

Yesterday I would have had the most sympathy for you OP. Today I attended a dementia virtual tour. Today I have the most sympathy for your mum and all people with dementia as they are in a terrifyingly horriable place. It really opened my eyes and I only experienced 8 minutes of what it must be like.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No, if it means you are more well rested and calmer and more patient for her tomorrow then it Is good for both of you. It's only a one off and it's only an hour, don't beat yourself up. You both have an awful lot to deal with and it's probably as hard for her being awake as it is for you

Ruby x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm a support worker for the severely disabled, most of our patients have some form of dementia or another condition which includes mood swings doll.

It's freaking hard work!

You're not a bad person at all, quite the opposite. Just take some time to yourself, relax and make sure you get a good night's rest ready to start fresh again tomorrow.

Eve. X

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

No not at all

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By *avid0894Man
over a year ago

Paisley

The thought of old age is too much for me. Would have to end up with horrible conditions. I've always said I've wanted to be put to sleep once I turn 75. I'm 22 just now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've given my mother her sleeping pills earlier than usual tonight.

I looked after my dad for 8 years and I can say no your not. It's draining and you need to have a break your not a bad person.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've given my mother her sleeping pills earlier than usual tonight.

No but probably a wake up call to arrange restbite care for you to get a break otherwise there's a chance it could escalate.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Gosh not at all. Have an early nite as well and I'm sure you will be refreshed in the morning and ready to fight another day. Xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You haven't given her more pills just her regular dose earlier.

I don't think that makes you a bad person but you're feeling unsure so can you speak to someone when you have these difficult days?

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By *ySweetLadyWoman
over a year ago

London

"Its not a bad thing at all. I do it with my autistic son on occasion where I've had enough for the day too. You need youre down time to cope with whatever tomorrow brings.

Enjoy your extra hour x"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

not at all..im a carer and at least i get to walk away at the end of each day...you don't. don't beat yourself up about it.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

No. I would have with my mother if she had pills I could have given her. There were days when it was just relentless and I wasn't doing it full time before we put her into care.

David Baddiel has a programme about his father's dementia on Ch4 tonight at 9.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You care for her and mean well. Your wellbeing is linked to hers, so your rest benefits her too. "

What Sophie said.

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By *rank n BettyCouple
over a year ago

Not meeting

For all those suggesting respite care to give the OP a break - are you aware of how difficult it is to find somewhere that you are truly happy to leave your loved one? Especially when they have dementia? And the cost? In Staffordshire it's a minimum of £135 per week - it's never free. Then when you are away, you spend your whole time fretting if they are ok.

Easier said than done

OP, you know your mum, we don't. You do what you have to to get through xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If your mum hasn't already got a Social Worker could you speak to her Dr to get her one, and then see about getting some care in? It should be means tested.

You can have morning, evening, or lunch calls or toileting help calls. You can also get respite calls where a carer would come in and sit with your mum for an hour or two to give you some time to yourself.

Respite Care in a home woukd be arranged through Social Worker but availability can be tricky, but still worth considering.

You have to take care of yourself too, especially if you get no other help, otherwise you'll make yourself ill.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If your mum hasn't already got a Social Worker could you speak to her Dr to get her one, and then see about getting some care in? It should be means tested.

Respite Care in a home woukd be arranged through Social Worker but availability can be tricky, but still worth considering.

You have to take care of yourself too, especially if you get no other help, otherwise you'll make yourself ill.

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By *ig1gaz1Man
over a year ago

bradford

no your not a bad person just to claim 1 hr extra rest bite time from time to time

ive been in same situation however helping my mum out with care for an elderly person

she got her rest and a day out whilst I did the caring

so I know what it means to have a break

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you everyone for your comments and suoport, and thank you to those who pm'ed me. Although I won't thank the one who critics ex me and said I was selfish and drugging my mother for my own selfish needs. Just to clarify I didn't give her extra med to make her sleepy, she still had her Nanak meds but just earlier. Normally I don't have very bad days with mum but yesterday was a cow of a day and the final straw was when she tried chewing my fingers off when giving her her meds in the afternoon. Thank god she has no teeth haha. Most of the time I do cope really well, considering I've been sole carer since August last year when my elder sister stopped helping me. Bizzare really I have two siblings who both live two minutes walk from my house and neither visit or help with day to day care or offer to give me a break.

I do have a social worker but to be honest she not great, the adult social care in my area not that great or supportive. They not really that interested because they see it that I'm doing a grand job and very rarely do they contact me.

I have put mum into restbite but what a fight and struggle that was to get it. And on both occasions the nursing homes was diabolical one leaving mum in wet clothing and a soaking wet adult nappy for 12 hours and forgetting to put her to bed. So you can see I'm very doubious about putting her into care and I end up getting no rest.

But today is another day and hopefully a better one

But again I can't thank you all enough for your support and kind comments

Thank you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thank you everyone for your comments and suoport, and thank you to those who pm'ed me. Although I won't thank the one who critics ex me and said I was selfish and drugging my mother for my own selfish needs. Just to clarify I didn't give her extra med to make her sleepy, she still had her Nanak meds but just earlier. Normally I don't have very bad days with mum but yesterday was a cow of a day and the final straw was when she tried chewing my fingers off when giving her her meds in the afternoon. Thank god she has no teeth haha. Most of the time I do cope really well, considering I've been sole carer since August last year when my elder sister stopped helping me. Bizzare really I have two siblings who both live two minutes walk from my house and neither visit or help with day to day care or offer to give me a break.

But today is another day and hopefully a better one

But again I can't thank you all enough for your support and kind comments

Thank you

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By *W ChapMan
over a year ago

Swindon

The fact you feel the need to ask makes you a good person who's concerned about what you've done.

Dementia is an absolute bitch, harder on the carers in most cases.

Big hugs.....! xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 21/02/17 09:16:32]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No, OP.

Hope today is a better day! Xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The fact you feel the need to ask makes you a good person who's concerned about what you've done.

Dementia is an absolute bitch, harder on the carers in most cases.

Big hugs.....! xx"

It's awful watching anyone suffer with it but to watch a close loved one is heartbreaking.

I wound sell my soul to the devil to have my real mum back. Although she is my mum, she isn't if you get what I mean. My mum changed when she had her stroke seven years ago.

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By *andorasSecretCouple
over a year ago

Nr Birmingham

But today is another day and hopefully a better one

But again I can't thank you all enough for your support and kind comments

Thank you

I'm struggling to find a way to express the awe I have for you and carers like you. It takes a special person to shoulder the burden and put your own needs secondary - even to the point where you feel guilty for having an hour off! I know my Ali has been through something similar, albeit on a smaller scale. Without people like you, society wouldn't work, so we all owe you thanks.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

not at all - i work with the worst end of dementia in a specialist care home - sometimes we cant wait for the end of shift to get away but you dont have that - have you got any assistance or are you having to deal with it all yourself

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By *W ChapMan
over a year ago

Swindon

"The fact you feel the need to ask makes you a good person who's concerned about what you've done.

Dementia is an absolute bitch, harder on the carers in most cases.

Big hugs.....! xx

It's awful watching anyone suffer with it but to watch a close loved one is heartbreaking.

I wound sell my soul to the devil to have my real mum back. Although she is my mum, she isn't if you get what I mean. My mum changed when she had her stroke seven years ago. "

Watched my Dad change from being my Dad, to someone who looked like my dad who acted in a totally different way. I was a relief when he passed away tbh as bad as that sounds......it's a nightmare of a problem and is only going to get worse with an aging population. We've been able to improve physical health but not the mental side.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You are amazing. Xxx

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By *ost SockMan
over a year ago

West Wales and Cardiff

"No. I would have with my mother if she had pills I could have given her. There were days when it was just relentless and I wasn't doing it full time before we put her into care.

David Baddiel has a programme about his father's dementia on Ch4 tonight at 9.

There was also a very moving programme on BBC Wales last week. It was about David Parry-Jones, a very well known broadcaster and writer here.

Pretty unflinching about what his wife goes through and the way it affects him, but understanding. It's probably on iPlayer.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No, you take care of others by taking care of yourself.

Both my parents now have dementia.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

But today is another day and hopefully a better one

But again I can't thank you all enough for your support and kind comments

Thank you

I do hope that your day is better today, caring for someone full time is emotionally and physically draining. I hope that you can contact the caters support services they can help you a great deal. Firstly you need a carers assessment then you can use that to get some respite, but quality respite. There are numerous dementia cafes run by the carers association and lots of support for you.

I care for my sons and somedays I'm glad when bedtime arrives because otherwise I'd just lose it. Needing an hour doesn't make you bad, it's a normal human reaction. I hope you can get some support as being a carer is an isolating life. X

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Woman's Hour on R4 now has a diary piece on a woman caring for her mother. It's worth a listen to hear how tiring caring can be but also how loving it is.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Woman's Hour on R4 now has a diary piece on a woman caring for her mother. It's worth a listen to hear how tiring caring can be but also how loving it is.

I'm listening to that.

That woman is so gracious, I'm not sure I would be.

We care to an extent for my parents who are comparatively independent so give only a fraction of the time that Sue and many other carers do including the op. You wont hear or see a word against good carers from us.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Woman's Hour on R4 now has a diary piece on a woman caring for her mother. It's worth a listen to hear how tiring caring can be but also how loving it is.

I'm listening to that.

That woman is so gracious, I'm not sure I would be.

I felt the same about her grace and love. I couldn't do what she is doing relentlessly for her mother. Even with part time care it took putting Mum in a home to get back my ability to earn and live a sane(ish) life.

It takes a special type of person to provide such care.

I heard a news piece last night about the families that take on adults with learning disabilities to live and care for them in their homes as part of their families. Remarkable people.

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By *ELLONS AND CREAMWoman
over a year ago

stourbridge area

First of all OP... you are not a bad person. ... you need to talk to your family and TELL THEM you need help .... you cannot cope on your own .

Secondly.... I know it comes at a cost but some help from an agency who come into your home to give you some help

Contact dementia uk. They are a good support link....

Admiral nurses are also worth their wieght in gold ....

Please please contact Dementia uk ..... that is what they are there for .

My mum had dementia ... she has passed away now ... you need help and support ...

Good luck .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't feel guilty everyone needs a break and time out caring for someone. A little me time is always needed to relieve stress of the situation.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hats off to you OP

I care for people with dementia for a living

I have nothing but admiration for people who care for loved ones full time

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not at all OP.

Great doc the other night about David Badeil dealing with his Dad's dementia who has a form that makes him say inappropriate and insulting things. Very honest and worth a watch if you haven't already.

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