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one liners

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I don't want to interrupt her.

I haven't slept for three days because three days is far too long to sleep.

The first time I got myself a universal remote I thought "this changes everything".

Say what you want about deaf people...

I have spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer but no-one will do it.

I saw a sign which read "Watch for children" and I thought, "that's a fair swap".

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, it was only gathering dust.

I was at a cash point and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance, so I pushed her over

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Very funny

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Crime in multi story car parks. Wrong on so many levels.

Hedgehogs, why not just share the hedge?

I'm on an Alcohol diet. I have lost three days already.

I have kleptomania, when it gets bad, I take something for it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I bought a thesaurus the other day. I got it home and found all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All of those are at least two lines.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"All of those are at least two lines."

You need a bigger screen

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Are you paying Tim Vine royalties for these?

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By *tmmCouple
over a year ago

harlow

Keep them coming! I'm loving it!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"All of those are at least two lines.

You need a bigger screen "

That's not all I need to be a little bit bigger

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

they sound like that bloke off 'mock the week'

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Are you paying Tim Vine royalties for these? "

More of s milton fan

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Keep them coming! I'm loving it!"

I bet you are.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"they sound like that bloke off 'mock the week' "

Gary Delaney! that's the fella ...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"they sound like that bloke off 'mock the week'

Gary Delaney! that's the fella ..."

Milton Jones is the one liner king

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"they sound like that bloke off 'mock the week'

Gary Delaney! that's the fella ...

Milton Jones is the one liner king"

I beg to differ..

he is even advertised as 'a brilliant one liner comedian'

most of yours are his anyway

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