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Would you and could you forgive

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york

Lo ng story so I will cut it short , on Christmas eve I got a card , all it said was happy Christmas think you should ring or call and see mum she is very poorly . We haven't spoken for nearly ten years she was an evil mother ie tieing our bedroom doors shut so she could go out when we were tiny . The last straw was some charmer on here told her we were swinging she swore she would keep it to her self that came at a price though . Ifound out she was telling people in anycase so I cut her of and told her I didn't care so she told all of my family includeing my son ,my family haven't talked to me since , now she says she is missing me and wants to see me I say its to late but some of my friends think I'm cruel I don't

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Tough gig but only you know how you feel.

If she dropped dead tomorrow would you have any regrets?

(Sorry that's pretty blunt but I think your gut will know the answer).

Good luck

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"Lo ng story so I will cut it short , on Christmas eve I got a card , all it said was happy Christmas think you should ring or call and see mum she is very poorly . We haven't spoken for nearly ten years she was an evil mother ie tieing our bedroom doors shut so she could go out when we were tiny . The last straw was some charmer on here told her we were swinging she swore she would keep it to her self that came at a price though . Ifound out she was telling people in anycase so I cut her of and told her I didn't care so she told all of my family includeing my son ,my family haven't talked to me since , now she says she is missing me and wants to see me I say its to late but some of my friends think I'm cruel I don't "

If she dies, you might regret not going - just go, do your best x

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york


"Tough gig but only you know how you feel.

If she dropped dead tomorrow would you have any regrets?

(Sorry that's pretty blunt but I think your gut will know the answer).

Good luck "
Shes been dead to me for a long time ,and I don't think its right to pretend to forgive her x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Catch 22 situation

I fully understand where your coming from and why you are so angry. But if anything happened to your mum could you forgive yourself for not making peace with her? Be the better person I say and go see her. Because your concience might never rest if left too late

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By *r_PinkMan
over a year ago

london stratford


"Lo ng story so I will cut it short , on Christmas eve I got a card , all it said was happy Christmas think you should ring or call and see mum she is very poorly . We haven't spoken for nearly ten years she was an evil mother ie tieing our bedroom doors shut so she could go out when we were tiny . The last straw was some charmer on here told her we were swinging she swore she would keep it to her self that came at a price though . Ifound out she was telling people in anycase so I cut her of and told her I didn't care so she told all of my family includeing my son ,my family haven't talked to me since , now she says she is missing me and wants to see me I say its to late but some of my friends think I'm cruel I don't "

FUCK EM.....

Like yourself, I had an abusive mother, I saw her approx 12 times in 15 years and did not see her for the last 5 years of her life.

The last time I did see her, I tried to see if she was sorry for what she had done, but she denied all knowledge.

If you still feel that strongly, who is anyone to call you cruel?????

Personally speaking, I would go and see her, set her straight, tell her how I feel and how she made me feel (just like I did with my late biological mother), as I felt it therapeutic getting it off my chest. But thats just me.

Do as you feel, you owe this person nothing if she hurt you.

and................. good luck with whatever you do x

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Firstly sorry you've had to go through this - breaking connections with anyone is hard enough but doing so with immediate family particularly a parent or child is probably the hardest decision anyone can take.

As for your dilemma only you can decide at the end of the day, based on how you feel and whether you can get to a point where you can feel truly happy in your Mum's company again, and how genuine you think her reasons for wanting to re-establish contact are. Obviously without knowing the full detail it's difficult to comment, but good luck with whatever you decide to do.

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

look at yourself in the mirror, if you can live with whatever you do, you've made the right choice. dont do it, or, not do it, for them or anyone else. live for your own well being and inner peace into the future xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No, I don't think I could forgive.

There's no law that says you must love your mother; society does give mothers a pretty elevated position and it's not always deserved. But only you know what you feel and are likely to feel in the case of her dying. And do you want to give her another chance?

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york


"Catch 22 situation

I fully understand where your coming from and why you are so angry. But if anything happened to your mum could you forgive yourself for not making peace with her? Be the better person I say and go see her. Because your concience might never rest if left too late "
You maybe right but I think it is to late for her to be sorry xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I haven't seen or spoken to my father in 35 years

I got a text to say his not at all well and I should go and see him

I choose not too. He was never a dad to me. Never received a birthday or Christmas card as a child.

My brothers and sisters same dad think I'm being unreasonable but to me he died years ago

Go with your gut

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with her. Some people are toxic and for your own sanity you have to draw a line in the sand. Only you know if there is any chance of having a chance of a meaningful relationship with her.

Personally I wouldn't but if you know that you'll only regret trying then see her. But make sure it's on your terms and she's aware that any more of that behaviour you will cut her off.

Hope whatever decision you make things work out.

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh


"Tough gig but only you know how you feel.

If she dropped dead tomorrow would you have any regrets?

(Sorry that's pretty blunt but I think your gut will know the answer).

Good luck Shes been dead to me for a long time ,and I don't think its right to pretend to forgive her x"

There's your answer.

It's hard when other people think you're being harsh but you can't help how you feel. You have to do what's right for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't know the ins and outs but currently my auntie is dying. She has been given a couple of wks max left. My cousins don't speak to each other and the one doesn't speak to her either. She asked advise on whether she should go and see her mum before its too late. All we said was it's her choice and all she has to do was to ask herself can she live with that for the rest of her life. Whatever she decides , we won't judge.

Take some time to yourself and have a good think. Your heart will decide what's best. All the best to you OP no matter what you decide X

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york

Thanks everyone , sometimes easier to ask strangers than take advice from friends xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Deep down you know what's right for you. Go with that and all the best x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Tough gig but only you know how you feel.

If she dropped dead tomorrow would you have any regrets?

(Sorry that's pretty blunt but I think your gut will know the answer).

Good luck "

There are people in my family I don't speak to for various reasons. I don't hold onto any anger, I just made a decision to leave them out of my life and I am content with that. If they died, I wouldn't regret not making amends. I'm happy the way things are now.

I think you need to just ask yourself the same question. If you think you'd regret it, then act accordingly. If you don't think you'd regret it, then don't let your actions be swayed by the personal opinions of other people.

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Families can be totally fucked up.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

To me, if I had closure on the relationship, I would leave it.

If I was unsure, I would look for closure with her, in whatever form that takes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Tough gig but only you know how you feel.

If she dropped dead tomorrow would you have any regrets?

(Sorry that's pretty blunt but I think your gut will know the answer).

Good luck Shes been dead to me for a long time ,and I don't think its right to pretend to forgive her x"

forgiveness is an over rated concept...if you've turned your back and are able to reconcile your feelings in such a way that they don't resurface to make you bitter or unhappy, then what purpose could be served by giving them a chance to affect you all over again? I often think we try to cling to relationships with people long after they are finished and that's what leads to an awful lot of heartache...turning your back as a deliberate decision for self preservation and walking away is often a healthier choice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Lo ng story so I will cut it short , on Christmas eve I got a card , all it said was happy Christmas think you should ring or call and see mum she is very poorly . We haven't spoken for nearly ten years she was an evil mother ie tieing our bedroom doors shut so she could go out when we were tiny . The last straw was some charmer on here told her we were swinging she swore she would keep it to her self that came at a price though . Ifound out she was telling people in anycase so I cut her of and told her I didn't care so she told all of my family includeing my son ,my family haven't talked to me since , now she says she is missing me and wants to see me I say its to late but some of my friends think I'm cruel I don't "

Hi similar situation with me, our mum didn't have much time for us when we were growing up. She put hooks on our bedroom doors.She wasn't supportive of us except the oldest and youngest child. My sister and I who were no 2 & 3 got the bums rush. My sister o 3 sibling is not speaking to mother. I write to her about3 x a year but I don't really want to see her. She has poor health now and is quite old. I feel I should go and see her but I don't want to, it's a long way away too.

You have to do what you feel is right for you and not what someone else tells you. I understand completely where you are coming from xxx

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york

one good thing has come out of it I saw my niece for the first time in eight years , my mother had told her I didn't want anything to do with he , I told her she should have asked me , but I'm a great auntie

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Lo ng story so I will cut it short , on Christmas eve I got a card , all it said was happy Christmas think you should ring or call and see mum she is very poorly . We haven't spoken for nearly ten years she was an evil mother ie tieing our bedroom doors shut so she could go out when we were tiny . The last straw was some charmer on here told her we were swinging she swore she would keep it to her self that came at a price though . Ifound out she was telling people in anycase so I cut her of and told her I didn't care so she told all of my family includeing my son ,my family haven't talked to me since , now she says she is missing me and wants to see me I say its to late but some of my friends think I'm cruel I don't "

I haven't spoken to my family for a similar time and they have no direct way of contacting me. A couple of years ago I was contacted by a 3rd party and told my mother had cancer. I didn't get in touch and some people I know are disgusted by that.

People with close loving families will never understand what it takes to cut your family off and will almost always tell you to reconcile for that reason.

I feel for you and it is a decision only you can make.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

A difficult situation but the things she done sound pretty unforgivable to me.

However you only have one mother. If I was you I'd go and see her even if it's just the once. But do it for yourself not her

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

You have to make your own decision of course, but I have found when I give something that I find it hard to give, I am often the beneficiary.

I don't think you have to forgive her to go per se, but sometimes you reap as you sow. Good luck either way.

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york


"A difficult situation but the things she done sound pretty unforgivable to me.

However you only have one mother. If I was you I'd go and see her even if it's just the once. But do it for yourself not her "
My health has improved greatly since not seeing her and I'm happy and strees free so don't want to go backwards xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

your mum bought you , up , fed you , clothed you , took you to school, birthdays , christmases, holidays , going to the park , washing your clothes etc etc etc etc ....

back in the day things were different..

you dont have to forgive if you cant but try and make up with her if shes old and needs you ..

youve only one mum , im sure she did more goods than bads when struggling to bring you up.

would you like it ? its not like its going to hurt you or cost a fortune taking care of the lady that gave birth to you and bought you upfor 16 plus years

please try...........

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york


"your mum bought you , up , fed you , clothed you , took you to school, birthdays , christmases, holidays , going to the park , washing your clothes etc etc etc etc ....

back in the day things were different..

you dont have to forgive if you cant but try and make up with her if shes old and needs you ..

youve only one mum , im sure she did more goods than bads when struggling to bring you up.

would you like it ? its not like its going to hurt you or cost a fortune taking care of the lady that gave birth to you and bought you upfor 16 plus years

please try..........."
My mum didn't bring me up , my step dad did he fed us and clothed us and brought us up , I just thank god he met her

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A difficult situation but the things she done sound pretty unforgivable to me.

However you only have one mother. If I was you I'd go and see her even if it's just the once. But do it for yourself not her My health has improved greatly since not seeing her and I'm happy and strees free so don't want to go backwards xx"

I agree with you OP that it serves no purpose in revisiting the past..

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By *he Queen of TartsWoman
Forum Mod
over a year ago

My Own Little World

If I cut people out of my life it is for a good reason, and no I don't allow them back in.

No I wouldn't go and see her as she would already be dead to me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Good luck Shes been dead to me for a long time ,and I don't think its right to pretend to forgive her x"

you don't need to pretend to forgive her. ultimately whatever you decide is the right choice for you and you can do that and have the right not to feel guilty about it.

the most important thing, to me, is do you have any reason to think she will have genuinely changed? do you even care if she has?

i have been minimum contact with my dad for over a decade, don't want to go into why but by stopping seeking his approval this improved my mental health considerably, so did taking away the control from him in our 'relationship'. my mum i did want to stay in contact with but as she's still with my dad i didn't do that, and she has had COPD for years now and could die from that. my family understand why i did this and none of them have cut me off for it.

the family who cut you off do you care about reconciliation with any of them if not your mum? this might be your only chance.

i think she will hurt you after she's dead you know. right now you're in control of how the realtionship is by cutting her off but once she dies that will be it, you will not be in control again. this is something to consider now is how you want the relationship with her to end once and for all.

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By *mmmMaybeCouple
over a year ago

West Wales


"Tough gig but only you know how you feel.

If she dropped dead tomorrow would you have any regrets?

(Sorry that's pretty blunt but I think your gut will know the answer).

Good luck Shes been dead to me for a long time ,and I don't think its right to pretend to forgive her x"

Everyone is different, my cutting off my mother (now dead, no regrets) meant I also fell out with my two older sisters so lost them, their children & probably now grandchildren. This I do regret, but each of us has our fathers trait of being a mule with feet set in concrete. So now 24 years later I know nothing of them or their lives, they know nothing of my life, H or of our childrens existance..

I do not feel sorry for myself or my mother, our actions were equally harmful. It is the resulting effect on my childrens lives that upsets me, the loss of extended family and all that goes with it.

So my advise would be don't think of now or you, think of others & the future..

xx

Best wishes

S

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york


"Good luck Shes been dead to me for a long time ,and I don't think its right to pretend to forgive her x

you don't need to pretend to forgive her. ultimately whatever you decide is the right choice for you and you can do that and have the right not to feel guilty about it.

the most important thing, to me, is do you have any reason to think she will have genuinely changed? do you even care if she has?

i have been minimum contact with my dad for over a decade, don't want to go into why but by stopping seeking his approval this improved my mental health considerably, so did taking away the control from him in our 'relationship'. my mum i did want to stay in contact with but as she's still with my dad i didn't do that, and she has had COPD for years now and could die from that. my family understand why i did this and none of them have cut me off for it.

the family who cut you off do you care about reconciliation with any of them if not your mum? this might be your only chance.

i think she will hurt you after she's dead you know. right now you're in control of how the realtionship is by cutting her off but once she dies that will be it, you will not be in control again. this is something to consider now is how you want the relationship with her to end once and for all."
I spent my life trying to please her and nothing was good enough so it was a great relief when I stopped trying x

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By *he Queen of TartsWoman
Forum Mod
over a year ago

My Own Little World


"your mum bought you , up , fed you , clothed you , took you to school, birthdays , christmases, holidays , going to the park , washing your clothes etc etc etc etc ....

back in the day things were different..

you dont have to forgive if you cant but try and make up with her if shes old and needs you ..

youve only one mum , im sure she did more goods than bads when struggling to bring you up.

would you like it ? its not like its going to hurt you or cost a fortune taking care of the lady that gave birth to you and bought you upfor 16 plus years

please try..........."

Just because you had great parents (I'm making an assumption here) doesn't mean that everyone does. Some people should never be parents so consider yourself lucky if you had good people raising you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tough one, I didn't have a perfect relationship with my mother (without entering into details on here) but I managed to sort of forgive her or at least give a facade of that, she is getting old so it the least I can do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Tough gig but only you know how you feel.

If she dropped dead tomorrow would you have any regrets?

(Sorry that's pretty blunt but I think your gut will know the answer).

Good luck Shes been dead to me for a long time ,and I don't think its right to pretend to forgive her x"

There lies your own answer

Kinky

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By *uperock99Man
over a year ago

Milton Keynes

I have fallen out with various members of my family & had no contact with them for years, The thing is with family members think they can treat you how they like and think they can get away with it and you just forgive them, but time after time you forgive and they just do not learn or repent on what they do to you, so you have to draw the line and cut them off, & why should you be ashamed of it, cause they are not.

It is personal to you on how you feel towards them and strangers can only give advice but at the end of the day it is your call, your health, your feelings and sanity.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whatever you decide rest easy with your choice.....

Unless we are able to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we make, we cant expect others too absolve us...

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By *mmmMaybeCouple
over a year ago

West Wales

Just as an aside all those saying past is past etc. She's old needs your help..

H has worked in care homes for fifteen years, the ones that go in as spiteful, vindictive & uncaring, stay exactly the same, are on general viciously abusive & derogatory to staff & rarely get visitors...Go figure..

Not all parents are angels..

S

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york


"Whatever you decide rest easy with your choice.....

Unless we are able to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we make, we cant expect others too absolve us..."
my mistake was craveing her love , when she doesn't know how to love xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"your mum bought you , up , fed you , clothed you , took you to school, birthdays , christmases, holidays , going to the park , washing your clothes etc etc etc etc ....

back in the day things were different..

you dont have to forgive if you cant but try and make up with her if shes old and needs you ..

youve only one mum , im sure she did more goods than bads when struggling to bring you up.

would you like it ? its not like its going to hurt you or cost a fortune taking care of the lady that gave birth to you and bought you upfor 16 plus years

please try...........

"

This is exactly what I was refering to with my earlier post. Not everyone has this idyllic home life you assume to be the case

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By *mmmMaybeCouple
over a year ago

West Wales

I think you have already made up your mind by the sounds of it.

There is no right or wrong simple fox answer, you just have to remember that even if you are strong enough to go through with a decision whichever you make it will hurt & there will be regrets..

Its living with & accepting ownership of them that is to me more important..

xx

S

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Whatever you decide rest easy with your choice.....

Unless we are able to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we make, we cant expect others too absolve us... my mistake was craveing her love , when she doesn't know how to love xx"

It's a very sad situation to have lived a life without being loved or knowing love....

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york


"I think you have already made up your mind by the sounds of it.

There is no right or wrong simple fox answer, you just have to remember that even if you are strong enough to go through with a decision whichever you make it will hurt & there will be regrets..

Its living with & accepting ownership of them that is to me more important..

xx

S"
Very true but I think I did my grieveing years ago xx

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york


"Whatever you decide rest easy with your choice.....

Unless we are able to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we make, we cant expect others too absolve us... my mistake was craveing her love , when she doesn't know how to love xx

It's a very sad situation to have lived a life without being loved or knowing love....

"
When I met steve I found out what it was like to be loved and when we had our son I couldn't understand how she could live her life like that xx

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By *andsCouple
over a year ago

Edin

You do not want to go that is evident from all your responses so don't go it really is as simple as that.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Only we each individually will know the background and costs in all senses of continuing a relationship.

If I have anything festering, I prefer to deal with it and the person concerned, to settle it. If someone tries to reach out to me then I face them head on and not via messages or others. I may still conclude that by not seeing them for more involvement. This would be particularly true if that person could affect those people who are important to me. It may be an indirect step to improving those relationships or their lives.

So op, I'd probably meet her but it might just be once or a small amount - but your pain and current life is something that you have and not me. I sense you'd like me to say not to see her but I'm not being swayed, giving you instead my honest thoughts.

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By *andsonjohnMan
over a year ago

in the eye of the storm


"Lo ng story so I will cut it short , on Christmas eve I got a card , all it said was happy Christmas think you should ring or call and see mum she is very poorly . We haven't spoken for nearly ten years she was an evil mother ie tieing our bedroom doors shut so she could go out when we were tiny . The last straw was some charmer on here told her we were swinging she swore she would keep it to her self that came at a price though . Ifound out she was telling people in anycase so I cut her of and told her I didn't care so she told all of my family includeing my son ,my family haven't talked to me since , now she says she is missing me and wants to see me I say its to late but some of my friends think I'm cruel I don't "

personally I think you have punished her and by punishing her yourself enough .

I've done some silly things in my time to punish those i thought wronged me but at the end of the day I'm the one who has regrets now over my actions .

i wish i had let things go when i was younger because i have regrets now that i needn't have if i hadn't been so stubborn and hell bend on punishing those i felt wronged me .

try to remember two wrongs don't make a right they just lead to regrets down the line in my experience .

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york


"You do not want to go that is evident from all your responses so don't go it really is as simple as that. "
Not that simple really today I feel like , no I don't want to see her , tonight in bed when I carnt sleep i think about it and wonder if I'm right x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"your mum bought you , up , fed you , clothed you , took you to school, birthdays , christmases, holidays , going to the park , washing your clothes etc etc etc etc ....

back in the day things were different..

you dont have to forgive if you cant but try and make up with her if shes old and needs you ..

youve only one mum , im sure she did more goods than bads when struggling to bring you up.

would you like it ? its not like its going to hurt you or cost a fortune taking care of the lady that gave birth to you and bought you upfor 16 plus years

please try..........."

I'm afraid not all parents are like I've tried to cut off my mother many times I don't know who my father was I was constantly reminded I was a mistake I didn't live with her most of my life. Other member of the family tried to persuade me to have something to do with her so I gave in, each and every time in bit me in the bum.

Those family member's having seen the effect have huge guilt and regrets now for trying to push us together. People need to cut ties for their own sanity, just because someone gives birth to you shouldn't make you beholden to put up with it.

OP good luck whatever you decide it's a tough choice everything in life says you should love you parents, so you end up conflicted inside. Sometimes you need to be a little selfish and do what's best for you not everyone else.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You do not want to go that is evident from all your responses so don't go it really is as simple as that. Not that simple really today I feel like , no I don't want to see her , tonight in bed when I carnt sleep i think about it and wonder if I'm right x"

do you know what's giving you these doubts?

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

Last conversation I had with my mother ended with the words. "The next time we see each other 1 of us will be in a box" and that's what happened. Sounds hard and heartless I know but she was an evil cow in every way possible. Am I sorry not on your life......

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york


"You do not want to go that is evident from all your responses so don't go it really is as simple as that. Not that simple really today I feel like , no I don't want to see her , tonight in bed when I carnt sleep i think about it and wonder if I'm right x

do you know what's giving you these doubts?"
No that's the problem , but i know i feel sick at the thought of seeing her xx

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"You do not want to go that is evident from all your responses so don't go it really is as simple as that. Not that simple really today I feel like , no I don't want to see her , tonight in bed when I carnt sleep i think about it and wonder if I'm right x"

In the end nobody can give you the answer but if you have the smallest doubt I think you should go. You won't have the option when she's died.

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"Whatever you decide rest easy with your choice.....

Unless we are able to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we make, we cant expect others too absolve us... my mistake was craveing her love , when she doesn't know how to love xx"

You were supposed to crave her love, that's normal for a child to do. The sad thing is someone fucked her up first, probably her parents, so she could not give you what you needed. Hurt people often hurt people.

I once had a real problem with someone who had wronged me, and was continuing to wrong me. But then I suddenly 'saw' them as they truly were - little blue scared childs eyes trapped inside an iron mask (like the man in the iron mask). I felt pity for them at that moment, and their power to hurt me vanished.

I hope you find healing x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm in a similar position, I'd be devastated if I never got the chance to say goodbye to my mother, it would destroy me!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wouldn't want to but I'd probably make an attempt of forgiveness (or at least feign it) if they were on their death bed.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You do not want to go that is evident from all your responses so don't go it really is as simple as that.

Not that simple really today I feel like , no I don't want to see her , tonight in bed when I carnt sleep i think about it and wonder if I'm right x

do you know what's giving you these doubts?

No that's the problem , but i know i feel sick at the thought of seeing her xx"

our thoughts are complicated sometimes and it's hard to work out why we feel the way we do or think the things we think.

one thing i will reinforce is that it's ok not to feel guilty about anything you decide, no matter what anyone else says about your choices it is you who has to live with yourself at the end of everything.

and i will add it is very important to look after yourself and put yourself first after having had a toxic relationship with anyone as they will have manipulated you into having no (or lesser) boundaries. you have already put boundaries into place to 'save' yourself and that is the correct thing to do.

the fact that you are now having doubts about those boundaries is the issue. you need to figure out what is changing them. no idea what questions to ask you really to help you figure that out. i spent a lot of time trying to work stuff out in my head, it just clicked little by little over months of researching.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If she's in any way a narcissist she will never admit to doing anything wrong. If there's no remorse on her part then there's no way you can forgive her. That said it's still up to you whether you decide to see her. You say that she is already dead to you, if that's the case no one can fault you if you decide to draw a line under this sorry affair and stay away.

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By *aGaGagging for itCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne


"Tough gig but only you know how you feel.

If she dropped dead tomorrow would you have any regrets?

(Sorry that's pretty blunt but I think your gut will know the answer).

Good luck "

This.

My thought is that this should actually be about you at this stage, after the way that she treated you. This might seem harsh under the circumstances. Bear in mind that you might go wanting some sort of reconciliation / closure, but she might end up throwing things back at you and hurting you, but only you know what could, or might, happen. If going will give you the peace of mind that you did what you could, even though she treated you the way that she did, then consider it, but be aware of the risks. If you think that you don't want to give her the satisfaction of winding back time at this stage after the way that she treated you, its your call.

All the best in making your decision (which no one is entitled to criticise you for, whatever that decision is).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In order to be kind to ourselves sometimes requires us to offer an act selfless kindness that may or may not be well received or reciprocated....

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By *ndigo40Woman
over a year ago

secret town


"Lo ng story so I will cut it short , on Christmas eve I got a card , all it said was happy Christmas think you should ring or call and see mum she is very poorly . We haven't spoken for nearly ten years she was an evil mother ie tieing our bedroom doors shut so she could go out when we were tiny . The last straw was some charmer on here told her we were swinging she swore she would keep it to her self that came at a price though . Ifound out she was telling people in anycase so I cut her of and told her I didn't care so she told all of my family includeing my son ,my family haven't talked to me since , now she says she is missing me and wants to see me I say its to late but some of my friends think I'm cruel I don't "

Go

It will eat you if you don't

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By *UFC9Man
over a year ago

Whitley Bay & Tamworth

I have to say that, I as a person don't have much sympathy and whether it's family or friends the relationship needs to be mutually beneficial otherwise it's not worth having.

So in short if you truly are ok with not having to speak or see her ever again then don't!

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By *ndigo40Woman
over a year ago

secret town


"Lo ng story so I will cut it short , on Christmas eve I got a card , all it said was happy Christmas think you should ring or call and see mum she is very poorly . We haven't spoken for nearly ten years she was an evil mother ie tieing our bedroom doors shut so she could go out when we were tiny . The last straw was some charmer on here told her we were swinging she swore she would keep it to her self that came at a price though . Ifound out she was telling people in anycase so I cut her of and told her I didn't care so she told all of my family includeing my son ,my family haven't talked to me since , now she says she is missing me and wants to see me I say its to late but some of my friends think I'm cruel I don't "

Thing is your still swinging, and your mother telling everyone hasn't made you delete your account or stopped you from swinging

Go and see her, you will regret it if you don't

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

She shouldn't have told everyone about swinging but they made their own decision not to talk to you. That's their choice.

only you know if it will affect you if you don't talk to her ever again.

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By *cunnylassCouple
over a year ago

Exeter


"Families can be totally fucked up. "

Ain't that the truth...

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By *ewrocksWoman
over a year ago

button moon

I know my mum regrets the missing yrs now that my nans gone, but my nan was a good parent, just another family members actions ripped the family apart.

If you dont feel you need to see her before shes gone, if you feel you can live with that decision without guilt or regret, then dont be pressed into it.

being related to someone doesn't excuse them if they were not a decent person.x

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By *eryBigGirlWoman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

Sadly we don't chose our family.

In my opinion you seem to have done your grieving for the mother you wished you had and regardless of what anyone thinks of you choosing to stay away that's your choice.

Forgiveness is something that should be earned and it's clear your mother hasn't done this in either your childhood or adulthood in fact she's chosen to continue to abuse you emotionally even as an adult by telling people of your lifestyle and cutting you off from more family members.

Just because someone is your parent, old and possibly dying doesn't mean they deserve your time or forgiveness. Love and care makes a parent not DNA. The person that deserves that is you. Be good to yourself do not let guilt from others cloud your judgements.

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By *omez42Man
over a year ago

gloucester

While I tend to think from your point of view, preferring not to have any contact, how will you feel in a few years time? When you can't undo the decision that you're about to make?

Two of my grandparents died within a few months of each other. I was offered the chance to visit them, effectively, on the death bed. I refused, as I would rather remember them from happier times. I stand by that decision.

An uncle was dying, I rarely saw him, but always liked him. When he went into the hospice, I intended to write him a short letter, but never got around to it. I'm still devastated now.

My ex m.i.l is a dragon. We applied to the court to keep her away from our wedding. My daughter didn't invite her to her wedding. Too much water has passed under the bridge to ever have a good relationship, but I am civil to her, and will attend her funeral (without my dancing shoes).

Having a strong conviction now could come back to bite you on the arse later, and then it will be too late, and you will be the one hurting.

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york


"Lo ng story so I will cut it short , on Christmas eve I got a card , all it said was happy Christmas think you should ring or call and see mum she is very poorly . We haven't spoken for nearly ten years she was an evil mother ie tieing our bedroom doors shut so she could go out when we were tiny . The last straw was some charmer on here told her we were swinging she swore she would keep it to her self that came at a price though . Ifound out she was telling people in anycase so I cut her of and told her I didn't care so she told all of my family includeing my son ,my family haven't talked to me since , now she says she is missing me and wants to see me I say its to late but some of my friends think I'm cruel I don't

Thing is your still swinging, and your mother telling everyone hasn't made you delete your account or stopped you from swinging

Go and see her, you will regret it if you don't

"
Yes I am still swinging but that's my choice x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i dont speak to either of my parents - for lots of reasons - personally i wouldnt go to see them i havent for over 30 years now - but it is really only you that can decide how you would feel if you didnt make that contact and then they passed

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By *ndigo40Woman
over a year ago

secret town


"Lo ng story so I will cut it short , on Christmas eve I got a card , all it said was happy Christmas think you should ring or call and see mum she is very poorly . We haven't spoken for nearly ten years she was an evil mother ie tieing our bedroom doors shut so she could go out when we were tiny . The last straw was some charmer on here told her we were swinging she swore she would keep it to her self that came at a price though . Ifound out she was telling people in anycase so I cut her of and told her I didn't care so she told all of my family includeing my son ,my family haven't talked to me since , now she says she is missing me and wants to see me I say its to late but some of my friends think I'm cruel I don't

Thing is your still swinging, and your mother telling everyone hasn't made you delete your account or stopped you from swinging

Go and see her, you will regret it if you don't

Yes I am still swinging but that's my choice x"

Then your mother telling everyone your a swinger shouldn't have affected your relationship

And obviously it is your choice

Your asking for advice I just gave you some, just saying I would go and see her, even if you get a bit of closure

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york


"Lo ng story so I will cut it short , on Christmas eve I got a card , all it said was happy Christmas think you should ring or call and see mum she is very poorly . We haven't spoken for nearly ten years she was an evil mother ie tieing our bedroom doors shut so she could go out when we were tiny . The last straw was some charmer on here told her we were swinging she swore she would keep it to her self that came at a price though . Ifound out she was telling people in anycase so I cut her of and told her I didn't care so she told all of my family includeing my son ,my family haven't talked to me since , now she says she is missing me and wants to see me I say its to late but some of my friends think I'm cruel I don't

Thing is your still swinging, and your mother telling everyone hasn't made you delete your account or stopped you from swinging

Go and see her, you will regret it if you don't

Yes I am still swinging but that's my choice x

Then your mother telling everyone your a swinger shouldn't have affected your relationship

And obviously it is your choice

Your asking for advice I just gave you some, just saying I would go and see her, even if you get a bit of closure "
My mother telling people I was a swinger was just the final nail in the coffin x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That's a tough one but your mums your mum . In any case your family are as bad they should have just dismissed the swinging comments but instead they seem to have put you in the same boat as a common criminal , shame on them , i would suggest you make peace before it's to late though as it might haunt you forever

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Lo ng story so I will cut it short , on Christmas eve I got a card , all it said was happy Christmas think you should ring or call and see mum she is very poorly . We haven't spoken for nearly ten years she was an evil mother ie tieing our bedroom doors shut so she could go out when we were tiny . The last straw was some charmer on here told her we were swinging she swore she would keep it to her self that came at a price though . Ifound out she was telling people in anycase so I cut her of and told her I didn't care so she told all of my family includeing my son ,my family haven't talked to me since , now she says she is missing me and wants to see me I say its to late but some of my friends think I'm cruel I don't "
family full outside I hate them!! I honestly can't understand how you feel towards your mom, but if she is that poorly it could be the last time you see her!!! Sometime it's better to rise above and hold your head up, you don't have to stay long if you didn't feel comfortable!! Family is family it's bloody, I'd say go!! Unless you think there could be conflicts between yourself and other family members and you need to avoid that if your moms poorly, but it's your choice only you can decide x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Lo ng story so I will cut it short , on Christmas eve I got a card , all it said was happy Christmas think you should ring or call and see mum she is very poorly . We haven't spoken for nearly ten years she was an evil mother ie tieing our bedroom doors shut so she could go out when we were tiny . The last straw was some charmer on here told her we were swinging she swore she would keep it to her self that came at a price though . Ifound out she was telling people in anycase so I cut her of and told her I didn't care so she told all of my family includeing my son ,my family haven't talked to me since , now she says she is missing me and wants to see me I say its to late but some of my friends think I'm cruel I don't "

I had a strained relationship with my dad, so many issues unresolved, pent up anger and resentment which meant I spent very little time with him over the past few years ignored calls,made excuses, then suddenly he dropped dead in December age 54. None of us know how long we have, my brother only reached age 26, the regret of thingss left unsaid, whatifs are torture. I'm really struggling with mine. Whatever you decide, do what you feel is right for you , best of luck xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Lo ng story so I will cut it short , on Christmas eve I got a card , all it said was happy Christmas think you should ring or call and see mum she is very poorly . We haven't spoken for nearly ten years she was an evil mother ie tieing our bedroom doors shut so she could go out when we were tiny . The last straw was some charmer on here told her we were swinging she swore she would keep it to her self that came at a price though . Ifound out she was telling people in anycase so I cut her of and told her I didn't care so she told all of my family includeing my son ,my family haven't talked to me since , now she says she is missing me and wants to see me I say its to late but some of my friends think I'm cruel I don't "

Don't waste you time or emotion. If she was a work colleague or friend you would have just walked away years ago. She has forfeited her right to see you... You will not regret her passing.

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By *ndigo40Woman
over a year ago

secret town


"Lo ng story so I will cut it short , on Christmas eve I got a card , all it said was happy Christmas think you should ring or call and see mum she is very poorly . We haven't spoken for nearly ten years she was an evil mother ie tieing our bedroom doors shut so she could go out when we were tiny . The last straw was some charmer on here told her we were swinging she swore she would keep it to her self that came at a price though . Ifound out she was telling people in anycase so I cut her of and told her I didn't care so she told all of my family includeing my son ,my family haven't talked to me since , now she says she is missing me and wants to see me I say its to late but some of my friends think I'm cruel I don't

Thing is your still swinging, and your mother telling everyone hasn't made you delete your account or stopped you from swinging

Go and see her, you will regret it if you don't

Yes I am still swinging but that's my choice x

Then your mother telling everyone your a swinger shouldn't have affected your relationship

And obviously it is your choice

Your asking for advice I just gave you some, just saying I would go and see her, even if you get a bit of closure My mother telling people I was a swinger was just the final nail in the coffin x"

K

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By *ackDMissMorganCouple
over a year ago

Halifax

Hi op,sorry to hear all this,

I would say don't feel pressurised into going to see her or doing anything you don't want to.

People have images that familys should be perfect and close,when in reality many aren't.

I hope you find peace of mind and make the right decision for you.

Good luck and hugs

Miss xx

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By *W ChapMan
over a year ago

Swindon


"To me, if I had closure on the relationship, I would leave it.

If I was unsure, I would look for closure with her, in whatever form that takes. "

^this

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york

Well that's my mind made up , I made a list of reasons to go and could only come up with one reason to go, shes my mother . The list of reasons I shouldn't go is endless so I wont be going .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Tough gig but only you know how you feel.

If she dropped dead tomorrow would you have any regrets?

(Sorry that's pretty blunt but I think your gut will know the answer).

Good luck Shes been dead to me for a long time ,and I don't think its right to pretend to forgive her x"

You should try to forgive her for yourself to avoid carrying bitterness in your heart, but that's a totally different matter to having contact with her.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

She sounds pretty toxic and let's face it, being related is just an accident of birth.

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york


"She sounds pretty toxic and let's face it, being related is just an accident of birth."
Very true and by all accounts the three of us were accidents xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I learned to distance myself from negative influences years ago, it's really hard when they are "family".

But I viewed it as necessary for my own mental health.

Recognising that they haven't changed is disappointing, but validates your original decision.

Letting go of the anger and sometimes bitterness/sense of injustice that your "nearest and dearest" could treat you this way is the key here. Whether that involves seeing her while you still can, is an unenviable position to be in, I hope you can make peace with your decision x

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

Guess my words above are getting tested. My dad's just died....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some say forgive and forget.

I say forget about forgiving and just learn to accept....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Guess my words above are getting tested. My dad's just died...."

Sorry to hear that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Guess my words above are getting tested. My dad's just died...."

hugs bladey x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Guess my words above are getting tested. My dad's just died...."

Hugs mate x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Some say forgive and forget.

I say forget about forgiving and just learn to accept.... "

Very true

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Guess my words above are getting tested. My dad's just died...."

Hugs Bladey xx

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

Thanks all x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Guess my words above are getting tested. My dad's just died...."

Condolences fella. X

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By *ackDMissMorganCouple
over a year ago

Halifax

Sorry to hear that Bladey. Man hugs. Jack.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Firstly, has she apologised? Does she even think she has anything to apologise for?

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By *r havin a laughMan
over a year ago

Innerleithen


"Lo ng story so I will cut it short , on Christmas eve I got a card , all it said was happy Christmas think you should ring or call and see mum she is very poorly . We haven't spoken for nearly ten years she was an evil mother ie tieing our bedroom doors shut so she could go out when we were tiny . The last straw was some charmer on here told her we were swinging she swore she would keep it to her self that came at a price though . Ifound out she was telling people in anycase so I cut her of and told her I didn't care so she told all of my family includeing my son ,my family haven't talked to me since , now she says she is missing me and wants to see me I say its to late but some of my friends think I'm cruel I don't "
I'm with you on this, I had a vile mother(still have), I ain't spoke to her in years with no regret. I wont be going to her funeral as I'd feel a hypocrite paying respects to someone I despise. But everyone is different and people in both camps (including me) will give you advice(good or bad) on what experiences we've had and are not in your shoes. Some people are more forgiving (I'm not)than others and have had loving parents so can't be expected the pain you've probably been through. My only advice I would give is, if your strong minded and can carry on as normal if she dies, then don't bother contacting her. She is the one who when her days are numbered will look back with regret, not you.

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By *r havin a laughMan
over a year ago

Innerleithen


"Lo ng story so I will cut it short , on Christmas eve I got a card , all it said was happy Christmas think you should ring or call and see mum she is very poorly . We haven't spoken for nearly ten years she was an evil mother ie tieing our bedroom doors shut so she could go out when we were tiny . The last straw was some charmer on here told her we were swinging she swore she would keep it to her self that came at a price though . Ifound out she was telling people in anycase so I cut her of and told her I didn't care so she told all of my family includeing my son ,my family haven't talked to me since , now she says she is missing me and wants to see me I say its to late but some of my friends think I'm cruel I don't

Don't waste you time or emotion. If she was a work colleague or friend you would have just walked away years ago. She has forfeited her right to see you... You will not regret her passing."
brilliant answer

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By *tmmCouple
over a year ago

harlow

The only person you have to answer to is you (or any deity you may believe in) and if you are happy and settled in your decision then fuck anybody else.

I too don't have a mum. Been dead to me for a while and I'm ok with it. Yes it's a shame and all that but I only miss something I didn't have not what I did have if that makes sense?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Been thinking about this.

Each if us has our own demons and history so only you know what's right for you.

Advice, for what it's worth,

If the situation were reversed would you want her to come see you.

If yes, then go, if no, then don't

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All I would add is by the very measure of you posting this thread you're having some doubt.

Don't think of what's the right thing to do by her, think of what's right for you, would this be the chance to tell her what you feel?

Once she's dead there are no second chances.

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By *D40Couple
over a year ago

Wolverhampton


"Lo ng story so I will cut it short , on Christmas eve I got a card , all it said was happy Christmas think you should ring or call and see mum she is very poorly . We haven't spoken for nearly ten years she was an evil mother ie tieing our bedroom doors shut so she could go out when we were tiny . The last straw was some charmer on here told her we were swinging she swore she would keep it to her self that came at a price though . Ifound out she was telling people in anycase so I cut her of and told her I didn't care so she told all of my family includeing my son ,my family haven't talked to me since , now she says she is missing me and wants to see me I say its to late but some of my friends think I'm cruel I don't "

Its a hard one. I got hurt badly by my mom last August & havent spoken to her or my siblings since. At the end of November i emailed my sister who updated me with moms address & i sent a xmas card however i am not ready to forgive her & i dont know if i will see her alive again. We lived together for 4 months last year and i saw a side of my mom i didnt know or like very much.

I guess, like you, i may at some point feel pressured to make proper contact but as yet its not a thought i want to embrace.

Good luck with your choice

Mrs _d40

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By *lyreelMan
over a year ago

King's lynn

So she was evil, then in later years she is still evil, causing your family to not talk to you and now you think you should get in touch when she says so!

Fuck her, sideways, up and down any way you want but fuck her. She is a lying manipulative person who does not deserve you by the sounds of it and yet you as her child still feel that you have a sense of duty to her. Well you don't, no way.

My mother was worse, buckle end off the belt, she used to laugh as I covered my arse so she would then hit me on the head till I moved my hands.

You owe her nothing, nada, zero. From now you do as you please, you owe yourself that. If you want to talk to her then do, if you don't then fk them all. It's your life, yours, nobody else's.

Your choice, your life, your laughter, your tears.

I know it's hard, I truly do, but you do what makes you happy. Your an adult now. Not the child locked behind the door.

I wish you the best in your choice, whatever it may be. X

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york


"Guess my words above are getting tested. My dad's just died...."
Big hugs xx

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york


"Firstly, has she apologised? Does she even think she has anything to apologise for?"
She has never apologised she doesn't think she did anthing wrong , I have spoke to my sister and told her its to late now xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No one on here knows you, your situation or your relationship. You can see that people's responses are completely coloured by their own experiences. They're about them, not about you.

It's ok to put yourself and how you will feel first. It's not about what you're "supposed" to do or think. That goes for those who would judge you one way for going to see her after all she's done as well as those who would judge you another way for not doing so.

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By *s ParisWoman
over a year ago

My Dungeon Room

OP its very much a decision you must make yourself My Own mother was vicious and abusive to me all my life and I ended up walking away from her, she said she never did anything wrong. I won't go there on that anyway long story short like you I was told she was dying and family asked me to go make peace with her I never did and she died. I didn't go to the funeral and do I regret it? 7yrs later not one little bit she was dead to me when I'd left all those years ago, for me it was like a massive weight lifted to walk away and never look back. The decision to see her is yours and only yours to make

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By *tarbeck OP   Couple
over a year ago

york


"No one on here knows you, your situation or your relationship. You can see that people's responses are completely coloured by their own experiences. They're about them, not about you.

It's ok to put yourself and how you will feel first. It's not about what you're "supposed" to do or think. That goes for those who would judge you one way for going to see her after all she's done as well as those who would judge you another way for not doing so. "
My best friend from sclool has a great mum but she saw first hand what my mother was like and we have had a bit of a fall out over it , I will calm down before I talk to her again xx

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