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By *ackStraker OP   Man
over a year ago

Cardiff

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he's going. "I'm on my way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body". The policeman asks "Really? And who's going to give a lecture at this time of night?" "My wife..."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Danny can't make his wife cum

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get an air conditioner"

"I can't afford air conditioner doc, I'm too poor"

"Well, Danny, do you have a good friend, I mean a real close friend?"

"Yeah, I've got a close friend, Frank"

"Well, ask your friend Frank to stand over you and your wife with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."

So, Danny asks Frank for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Danny is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Frank fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.

Danny says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Danny takes the towel and starts wafting Frank, who is now making love to Danny's wife. Not long after, Danny's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"

Danny shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Frank?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Danny can't make his wife cum

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get an air conditioner"

"I can't afford air conditioner doc, I'm too poor"

"Well, Danny, do you have a good friend, I mean a real close friend?"

"Yeah, I've got a close friend, Frank"

"Well, ask your friend Frank to stand over you and your wife with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."

So, Danny asks Frank for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Danny is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Frank fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.

Danny says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Danny takes the towel and starts wafting Frank, who is now making love to Danny's wife. Not long after, Danny's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"

Danny shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Frank?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!""

I like that one

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By *ackStraker OP   Man
over a year ago

Cardiff

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse" he mumbles from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet".

He struggles to ask again "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent".

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: "Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Here's one I read the other day

"So my wife is under 5ft and I tease her constantly for it. One day, I admittedly went to far and she went to spend the nights at her mothers. Knowing I did wrong, I went out and bought her flowers and her favourite chocolites. When she came home, I massaged her feet, treated her well. Then I kissed her on the cheek, and proceeded to go upstairs, to run her a nice hot sink"

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By *ackStraker OP   Man
over a year ago

Cardiff


".... run her a nice hot sink""

Like it, I'm using that one

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

A man sees a sign outside a house:

'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and  

tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting  

there.

"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.

"Yes!" The Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,  

sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and  

listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid!" The owner says.

"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!"

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By *ackStraker OP   Man
over a year ago

Cardiff


"

"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!""

That's a punchline

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