FabSwingers.com forum: 32 yrs a long time to lie for!

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Hi guys nothing to do with swinging but just a little frustrated! 2yrs ago i found out that my dad who has always been there for me isn't my biological dad but I've kept quiet not wanting to rock the boat until this week! I told my mom I was going to chat to her in the new year but after only a day of none stop thinking about it and frustration I txt her to tell her what I knew to be ignored for 24hrs and then be told it seems like I know it all anyway and said nothing else! To be followed by an angry phone call from my dad saying why am I bringing it up now and that he basicly wouldn't be happy at all if I got in contact with my biological dad.ive seen them both today and they have been fine with me but not mentioned it at all. So I'm at a point I don't know what to do

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By *imited 3EditionCouple
over a year ago

Live in Scotland Play in England

That really sucks! Why the sudden frustration after 2 yrs of knowing this and not bringing it up face to face though?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

shitty crappy parents!!!

hugs OP xxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That's a lot to take in OP, hope things get resolved in a way that is satisfactory for you, and for them too.

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By *ureTemptationWoman
over a year ago

Off the grid

Sounds like lots of fear on the side of your parents. Anger always stems from fear.

Huge hugs, such a difficult situation to deal with.

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By *ewrocksWoman
over a year ago

button moon

You've known 2yrs, but dredge it up at Xmas? The guy who has raised you is your dad. Regardless of blood. He chose to be your dad.

I'd guess he's pretty hurt.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can't tell if you're cross, upset or whatever about it. Did they had good intentions for not telling you before now ? Has he been a good "dad" to you over the years ? If so then he's your dad even if not your biolgical dad.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I can't tell if you're cross, upset or whatever about it. Did they had good intentions for not telling you before now ? Has he been a good "dad" to you over the years ? If so then he's your dad even if not your biolgical dad. "

Have*

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

They have always had good intentions as to stop me from being hurt by it. I'm more frustrated the fact I found out and held out hoping they would tell me now I'm a big lad but it never happend and it was xmas 2 yrs ago so just the time of year got me thinking and because I had said I wanted to have a chat my mind was all over the place thinking how will I say it?? what will I say?? And I was stressing that's why I txt her .... I know it wasn't the best way but didn't know what else to do to stop my head from exploding! Sounds stupid I know! I've told them I'm not going to treat them any different I've knew for 2 yrs and haven't and my dad is my dad couldn't of asked for better really! But it's the not knowing the how's and whys and what if my biological was told to stay away? I don't know ... I know where he lives and have his home number (great what the net can do) just don't know weather I'm brave enough lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You've known 2yrs, but dredge it up at Xmas? The guy who has raised you is your dad. Regardless of blood. He chose to be your dad.

I'd guess he's pretty hurt."

I would agree with this, if he has raised you he is your dad

Couple of questions though spring to mind,

1 if you have known for 2 years why wait until now?who not approach them straight away?

2 does your biological father know he is your father? If so and hasn't even tried to be in touch is he someone worth reaching out to anyway?

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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge

If it were me, I would care about the man who was my dad, and not the man that happened to be my father.

I don't think I would be interested in finding my father.

But I'm just a bloke on the internet, so do whats right for you op

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am sorry to read what happened to you OP.

Even though you must love your parents, the ones who raised you, you desire for answers will grow with time.

I hope you find the strenght in you to text him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As above he's hurt after 2 years he probably had felt relieve and hadn't expected it to come up.

but I get your side too the need to know things

As I don't know who my father is and it's messed with my head for years. Especially because of some health issues and everytime the forms you can't get away from being reminded constantly.

I do think you timing might have been better.

Hopefully after in the New Year you can sit down and have a sensible conversation about it

Good Luck

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"You've known 2yrs, but dredge it up at Xmas? The guy who has raised you is your dad. Regardless of blood. He chose to be your dad.

I'd guess he's pretty hurt.

I would agree with this, if he has raised you he is your dad

Couple of questions though spring to mind,

1 if you have known for 2 years why wait until now?who not approach them straight away?

2 does your biological father know he is your father? If so and hasn't even tried to be in touch is he someone worth reaching out to anyway?"

I've waited because I just didn't want to upset anyone but it got to a point where I was thinking of it all the time and couldn't keep it to myself anymore. And my biological dad does know about me he paid maintenance for me which is how I found out so much as I found old paperwork at my moms house. And I too thought why bother if he hasn't but I didn't know the circumstances or if maybe he was told to stay away or something..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I also recently watched an extremely good movie that treats on that particurlarly subject, very moving, you may want to see it before taking any decision.

"Demaim' tout commence" with Omar Sy.

Hope it helps you.

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

"You've known 2yrs, but dredge it up at Xmas? The guy who has raised you is your dad. Regardless of blood. He chose to be your dad.

I'd guess he's pretty hurt."

This. I can imagine it was a he'll of a shock but it was a shock 2 years ago not now. Sorry but I don't think your thinking of anyone but yourself. This guy that took so much of his life being a dad for you must be gutted....

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By *owdyboy 890Man
over a year ago

Country West

Even though you now know your biological dad you can always meet up and just talk about what you feel no use bottling it up you're only going to have regrets of if only and you can always stay with your other dad since he has looked after you so well..at least you know now there's people all over the world who will never know who their dad is xx

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By *ouple4biMMFCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

You have questions that need to be answered,I hope your parents give you the respect you need to answer them and settle your mind. It's unfair of them not to,after all the deceit you deserve that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"shitty crappy parents!!!

hugs OP xxxx"

I don't think that's fair as we don't know anything about op's parents.

A boy can make a baby but it takes a man to bring one up

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I see it as he has had 32years to get his head round it I've had yes 2years but at first it was like it wasn't true as I kept thinking my parents wouldn't not tell me something like that not when I'm now this old love my mom n dad that isn't going to change and can understand my dad going off on one at me but still doesn't take away me thinking I should maybe get in touch .... as my parents have told me nothing still. I will wait till in the new year to see if they have a chat to me

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Even though you now know your biological dad you can always meet up and just talk about what you feel no use bottling it up you're only going to have regrets of if only and you can always stay with your other dad since he has looked after you so well..at least you know now there's people all over the world who will never know who their dad is xx "

It's bottling it up that got me to this point of frustration I even kept a lot of it from my wife till I told her I'd told my mom

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By *ouple4biMMFCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

"I see it as he has had 32years to get his head round it I've had yes 2years but at first it was like it wasn't true as I kept thinking my parents wouldn't not tell me something like that not when I'm now this old love my mom n dad that isn't going to change and can understand my dad going off on one at me but still doesn't take away me thinking I should maybe get in touch .... as my parents have told me nothing still. I will wait till in the new year to see if they have a chat to me "

I hope they do!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As a dad of a child that isnt mine. He is 1 yrold. What do you do. My wife cheated and pretended he was mine. I found out.

Other people know but who is to say what is right or wrong. Some say best to hide it so that no one thinks worst of the mother. Or can think less of the child. Why they would who knows. Not kids fault .

To hide from roumors etc maybe. But then if the child finds out in the future so much the worse for thrm then. And in my case a biological father who doesnt know anything about it.

So whats right. If it was hidden it was for the best intentions. The person who brought you up is your " real" dad. No one else.

So would contacting someone make things better. If youre happy woth your life then id say no. If something is missing maybe. But explain your actions fully to your real parents. Becaise they are the ones that love you over everything. Loving a son born in such circumstances is difficult in the extreme. But not impossible. I love mine beyond all reason because its not his fault. And i hope that he would understand that all though his mum will never be my wife anymore. He will always be my son. Xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

remember youve known for 2 years - they have just known that you know for one day - give them time to take in the new situation and then hopefully chat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have some experience of this.

The way I chose to think about it was this.

The potential fallout from my new knowledge was huge if I decided to let them know that I knew.

I could have blown apart my family and my biological fathers family. So I chose to just let it lie.

Ultimately it was the kindest thing to do for my family- an act of love.

Try and set aside your anger and frustration and then maybe you can get the answers you so desire. But it might not be what you want to hear.

Good luck, whatever you decide OP.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's bottling it up that got me to this point of frustration I even kept a lot of it from my wife till I told her I'd told my mom"

Good luck

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Cheers guys!

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By *edangel_2013Woman
over a year ago

southend

"shitty crappy parents!!!

hugs OP xxxx"

How unfair?

A man has brought the OP up as his own for 30 odd years and they are shitty parents. I'd hate to see what you class as great parenting.

To the OP. My Dad isn't my biological father, although I found out when I was about 13. But to me he is my Dad. He always will be. Not some random stranger who fucked my mum and then fucked off.

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By *unandbuckCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield

I don't want to get into the actual personal side of the problem.

A big thing to remember, is one issue might be how texts are interpreted. Something you type, can be read back in different ways, because it is difficult to imply tone or emotion in text.

People often message by text and post on here and it all blows up unnecessarily because of this.

Good luck OP x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sounds like lots of fear on the side of your parents. Anger always stems from fear.

Huge hugs, such a difficult situation to deal with."

Well said X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Anyone can be a father but it takes love, hard work and being there to be a Dad.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP - The man who conceived you is not your father. The man who brought you up from a baby to adult is.

If however you want to meet the man who conceived you then go ahead. You should however try and understand the fear of loss and pain you will put your real parents through. Your biological father may also be traumatised by you turning up. Your choice so tread carefully.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have known since the age of nine that my father is not my biological father but I never bring it up because as far as I'm concerned he is the one who sacrificed to bring me up on his own along with my brothers forgoing everything that he could have had.

Sometimes it best left alone

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

This is such a sensitive issue. My thoughts are if you want to meet your biological father then you should and your parents should support you in that although they will find it difficult.

I met my sister after 40 years and it's the best thing I ever done.

What ever you decide good luck OP

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"shitty crappy parents!!!

hugs OP xxxx

How unfair?

A man has brought the OP up as his own for 30 odd years and they are shitty parents. I'd hate to see what you class as great parenting.

To the OP. My Dad isn't my biological father, although I found out when I was about 13. But to me he is my Dad. He always will be. Not some random stranger who fucked my mum and then fucked off. "

Couldn't agree more with you!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"OP - The man who conceived you is not your father. The man who brought you up from a baby to adult is.

This is what worries me as I don't want to upset them anymore really but I suppose it curiosity... this is why I thought why not send a letter to him and then the ball can be in his court I've done what I wanted and if he doesn't get in touch then I know

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By *unloversCouple
over a year ago

rotherham

To be honest I wouldn't have broadcasted it on a swingers site as you could hear a lot of shit that you don't want to luv

Good luck in whatever happens

It is a personal subject I'm my eyes

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

mercury retrograde..try again after the 8th january. i just they are frightened about what questions you are going to ask of them and what it means. if you need to know, then that is fair enough, but dont expect details from your mother unless you are supportive of what might of happened with her and her ex. they should help you, but you also need to help them by lots of reassurances i would think..i hope 2017 brings about the answers you seek x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Im aware of who my biological 'dad' is.. he knows who i am..

I have sooooo many unanswered questions. Its no disrespect to the man who raised me as his own (even though he is no longer with my mother).. i just feel like he is part of me, a missing jigsaw puzzle piece.

Ive always known from day dot really that my dad was never my 'biological' dad..

For years ive thought about that day where id meet my biological dad and what other family id have, cousins, aunts/uncles.. if i had grandparents alive on that side etc. It came about when i was 13 and i met him once.. and the 2nd time when i was 18. We pass in the street but thats truly all it is.. he was a curiosity for me. i know in my heart who my dad is and always will be

Im just a curious human being.

Good luck with everything.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wonder what those who think "breeding" via fab is a harmless choice have to say about this thread....

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Im aware of who my biological 'dad' is.. he knows who i am..

Ive always known from day dot really that my dad was never my 'biological' dad..

Im just a curious human being.

Good luck with everything. "

This is how I feel It's curiosity! Of weather I have ever passed him in the street and not knew or grandparents! It's not that I want to play happy families but I just wanna know but someone will probably say curiosity killed the cat lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This is how I feel It's curiosity! Of weather I have ever passed him in the street and not knew or grandparents! It's not that I want to play happy families but I just wanna know but someone will probably say curiosity killed the cat lol"

Im sure you are hurting, im sure your parents feel truly sorry for being so deceptive about things for so long.. perhaps just try to have the adult conversation.

Re assure them that its curiosity, you love them both dearly..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Wonder what those who think "breeding" via fab is a harmless choice have to say about this thread...."

abso fucking lutely!!!!!!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Wonder what those who think "breeding" via fab is a harmless choice have to say about this thread....

abso fucking lutely!!!!!!!!!!"

its a big ass can of worms thats for sure..

not justifying it but im a lone parent and pretty sure my daughter is very happy with life.. sadly death can effect peoples family and alter circumstances also..

not having a parent around isnt always a tragedy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"shitty crappy parents!!!

hugs OP xxxx

How unfair?

A man has brought the OP up as his own for 30 odd years and they are shitty parents. I'd hate to see what you class as great parenting.

To the OP. My Dad isn't my biological father, although I found out when I was about 13. But to me he is my Dad. He always will be. Not some random stranger who fucked my mum and then fucked off. "

you judge me on just a few words. says a shit load more about you than me sweet cheeks!!!

he's hurting. they lied to him for over 30 years and now are totally ignoring the fact and won't talk about it. that's shit. if you think that's ok then jesus fucking christ!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"shitty crappy parents!!!

hugs OP xxxx"

Why shitty n crap adoption is painful for everyone involved. They have prob themselves waited for this day for 32 years and been scare of how to deal with it.

Op inbox me if you need advice. Xxx

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By *itzhallMan
over a year ago

birchington

Beware searching out your natural father op..... apart from DNA you're basically just strangers no matter what. The man who raised you and taught you right and wrong and who gave you unconditional love is the only man with the right to call himself your dad.... be grateful and respectful that he stayed around to look after you and your family

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There is no right answer, this kind of secret is a ticking time bomb,.

The thing is, your mom and dad probably thought "we'll tell him when he's old enough to understand" by which time you have slammed into puberty at a gazillion mph, dropping that particular bomb shell at that time coupled with teenage angst, never ends well.

Then as you leave your teenage years, its already too late, or that's how they might have seen it, while all the time you have a man there who fears losing the son he loves, and a mum who fears breaking the hearts if two men she loves at the same time.

So they may have slipped into a false blanket of denial, believing that the best thing all round is to carry on as you were, because the truth can't bring anything but pain now.

But I get your point, there is a part of you that you didn't know about, possible siblings, nieces and nephews, grand parents, all that you don't know, and then there is the issue if family medical history, if there is anything that runns genetically in the family that you should be getting checks for.

There is no easy answer, but I don't think anyone brings up a child just to drop this kind of thing on them, most likely its been done from some sort of misguided display of love.

Talk to your parents, try to make them understand that they are as cherished as they were when you didn't know, but there are questions you need answers to.

I don't envy you here, but go softly, and you can rebuild all relationships, if you try to understand their motives.

Best of luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If i was in you position I'd ask my dad to go for a beer and chat rubbish then I'd distroy bio dads details and forget about him

If he doesnt know you exsist then it wont hurt him

If he knows about you why didn't he try to make contact when you were 18 his loss is your dads gain

Let sleeping dogs lie

As i said if it was me but what ever you decide to do good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi guys nothing to do with swinging but just a little frustrated! 2yrs ago i found out that my dad who has always been there for me isn't my biological dad but I've kept quiet not wanting to rock the boat until this week! I told my mom I was going to chat to her in the new year but after only a day of none stop thinking about it and frustration I txt her to tell her what I knew to be ignored for 24hrs and then be told it seems like I know it all anyway and said nothing else! To be followed by an angry phone call from my dad saying why am I bringing it up now and that he basicly wouldn't be happy at all if I got in contact with my biological dad.ive seen them both today and they have been fine with me but not mentioned it at all. So I'm at a point I don't know what to do

Why have you decided to publish this on a swinging site forum ??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why have you decided to publish this on a swinging site forum ??

Because he can.. sometimes its great to just vent stuff to people who do know know us personally and its good to just get it out there.. have you honestly never just wanted to scream/cry or run away from a situation because you dont know how to deal with it?

I think this is why perhaps there are so many issues with mental health as people just dont know what to do with different situations.

I applaud this guys courage to say how he feels and wish more people would express themselves.

As for it being a SWINGERS site... well oddly enough 'we' are human,,,

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks for the support!

your right I just wanted an opinion from someone outside the box and someone who didn't know me.

It's through me off track abit and I needed to tell my parents I was just a little miffed at the response I got and still no answers. I've been to a family party tonight with them we are all fine together. And I do go for a beer and chat shit with the old man every once n a while anyways but I don't know how I'm going to proceed forward with it now or if I will only time will tell

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why have you decided to publish this on a swinging site forum ??

I think this is why perhaps there are so many issues with mental health as people just dont know what to do with different situations.

I applaud this guys courage to say how he feels and wish more people would express themselves.

As for it being a SWINGERS site... well oddly enough 'we' are human,,,

Of course he can, however what motivated him to reveal some very personal information to a bunch of strangers on a swinging site?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Of course he can, however what motivated him to reveal some very personal information to a bunch of strangers on a swinging site?

i cant answer that on his behalf however i have saught solice and peace of mind by doing similar and what drove me was just the release of publicly airing it. i felt a release of pressure that was building up..

i was desperate to free myself of the feelings i was experiencing when i couldnt (and didnt want to) burden my friends/family/those who are close to me with stuff without fear of judgement. x

Hope its something you never encounter, but know at least the fab forum will 'listen'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Of course he can, however what motivated him to reveal some very personal information to a bunch of strangers on a swinging site?

i was desperate to free myself of the feelings i was experiencing when i couldnt (and didnt want to) burden my friends/family/those who are close to me with stuff without fear of judgement. x

Hope its something you never encounter, but know at least the fab forum will 'listen' "

I see, each to their own

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've known for 30 years but never discussed it with my adopted father. I don't think time has much to do with anything.

All I know of my real father is that he's dead. Otherwise I'm sure I'd have made more of an effort to learn more and maybe one day I will.

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By *lsd199Man
over a year ago

London

Maybe his parents had too much of cuckold fun one night 32 years ago and they dont want to talk about it anymore

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Maybe his parents had too much of cuckold fun one night 32 years ago and they dont want to talk about it anymore "

ask your dad

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By *lsd199Man
over a year ago

London

Asked, he said no

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

Personally I think that unless we've been in the terrible predicament we don't know what we'd do. Or how long we'd leave it to broach the subject etc.

The confusion and emotions running through your head OP must be terrible. All I would suggest is to try and go to Relate.

It used to be called Marriage Guidance but it's not just for married people. And if they can't help they should know who can. Somehow you need to get through it, with your parents too, and all come out on the other side.

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By *amissCouple
over a year ago

chelmsford

Gosh, difficult one OP. The man who brought you up will always be your dad, but without knowing the whole background and circumstances, it is difficult to know how you should go forward. No, you dont want to hurt your dad, but at the same time I think everyone is entitled to know their biological parents and maybe get some answers. Only you can really decide what to do, but I wish you lots of luck

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