FabSwingers.com forum: jokes ... part 3

By *uckscouple2007 OP Couple
over a year ago

Bucks

I walked into a car showroom last night.

I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."

I said, "You do now."

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By *etillanteWoman
over a year ago

Grandma sends a text

Would you like to come over for lunch today 8===D

Grandson replies

Yes thanks, but what is that

Grandma - a smiley I know you youngsters like that sort of thing

Grandson - Gran thats not a smile!

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By *uckscouple2007 OP Couple
over a year ago

Bucks

During some excavation work, a team of Israeli archaeologists discovered a previously undetected cave. They were very excited because the following five symbols were carved on one wall of the cave:

A woman

A donkey

A shovel

A fish

A Star of David

The archaeologists declared this a unique find. The carvings were thought to be at least three thousand years old. They carefully cut out the piece of stone holding the symbols and sent it in to the Tel Aviv Museum. Soon, archaeologists from all over the world were invited to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The chairman opened the meeting by pointing to the first symbol and saying:

"We can judge from the first symbol that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were smart enough to train donkeys to help them till the soil. The shovel symbol means they had tools to work with. Their intelligence is highlighted by the fish, which means that when their crops failed, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol means they were evidently Hebrew."

The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said,

"Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman.' "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A travelling slaesman goes into a bar in a mining village.

He orders a pint and sits to look around the bar.

In the corner sits a short man with a flat head and a cauliflower ear. As miners come in for their drinks they all buy the short man a pint.

Eventually the saleman calls the barman over. "Why does everybody buy that guy a pint?" he asks.

"He's a very brave man, " replies the barman. "A few weeks ago there was a pit collapse. He held the mine up while everybody escaped."

"So that's why he's got the flat head," says the salesman.

"Exactly," confirms the barman.

"How did he get the caulifower ear?" queries the salesman.

"The barman looks admiringly over at the shortie and says, "That's where they wedged him in with a shovel."

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By *uckscouple2007 OP Couple
over a year ago

Bucks

Dear Deirdre,

I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from work, you don't know them.' I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife.

I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack when the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood ... Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

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By *uckscouple2007 OP Couple
over a year ago

Bucks

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

...WALLET SCAM WARNING! In ASDA!

whilst packing shopping into the car, you may be approached by two fit 18 year old Eastern European girls in tight, tiny tops. They wash your screen with their tits up against the window and ask for a lift to the next ASDA as payment.

On the way they will strip down and perform oral sex on each other, One will then climb into the front and suck you off while the other attemts to steal your wallet! I had mine stolen last Thursday Friday, Twice on Saturday, Twice on Sunday and once again today, so BE CAREFUL!

PS,

You can buy wallets for 99P in poundstretchers!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was talking to my grandad about the reccession and he pipes up with "I think it's going to be like the early 70's all over again, 3 day week and all that". I said "tell me something I don't know". "you know your nan can take my whole fist up her arse" he said

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

A mans wife came in wearing a sexy nighty, She told him "Tie me up and do what you want" So he tied her up, fucked her sister and went fishing.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

A bloke kept telling his girlfriend not to turn her head away, near the end of a blow job.

Did she listen?

No, it just went in one ear and out the other!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.His wife is lying in bed reading.The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

A man in a pub, blind d*unk, is offered a small ex-beach monkey for £10. Thinking that's a good deal he buys it for the wife's birthday pressie.

On arriving home, the wife asks "WTF is that?" "A monkey" he replies. "Where did you get it?" "The pub". "WTF are you gonna feed it on?" "Nuts, and fruit and bananas like the man said to" "Oh , yeah and where are you gonna keep it" "I thought it could sleep on the end of the bed".

"But what about the smell?" she asked.

"Oh he'll get used to it, i did."

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

Two German women-holiday makers are walking along the prom at Brighton when a beach photographer steps out in front of them.

"Greta, stop, he's gonna focus" said Anka

"What, both of we" said Greta

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan
over a year ago

mansfield

A guy with two left feet walks into a shoe shop and asks the assistant.....

Have you got any Flip Flips.

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan
over a year ago

mansfield

Murphy is visiting paddy who has a broken leg,

Paddy asks murph if he'd do him a favour and fetch his slippers from upstairs.

On his way he passes his daughters bedroom

And they are both in just thier underwear,

One daughter catches murph looking and shouts oi murph ya perve foook off I'll tell my dad !

Murhp replies that won't do no good as ya dad sent me up to give you both a good fucking

Daughter replies murph you lieing fecker!

Murph says ok I'll prove it so he shouts down stairs.... Both of them paddy?

Paddy replies of cause both of them, what's the point un fucking one!!!

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By *acktilMan
over a year ago

Tewkesbury

A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive...shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it.

About 20mins later he gets another call...done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan
over a year ago

mansfield

Young lad walks into a whore house carrying a dead frog and asked the madam,

Can I shag the dirtiest riddled whore you have please,

Madam replies well your a little young to be in here sonny and why on earth would you want a riddled whore?

So the lad explains.....

I'll fuck your whore and get clap then I'll go home and give it the baby sitter, when mum is at work the baby sitter will shag my dad and he'll get it

Then my dad will shag mum and she will get it then when the milkman comes in the morning he'll shag my mum and he'll get it....

And he is the bastard who ran over my frog !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy breaks down on a country road. He lifts the hood and examines the mystery underneath.

A voice says, "It's your alternator."

The guy turns to see a horse looking over a hedge.

"It's your alternator, man" says the horse.

The guy bolts for the local farmhouse. He finds the farmer and tells him the tale of the talking horse.

"Was it a big grey horse?" asks the farmer.

"Yes" says the driver.

The farmer sighs and says, "Ignore him, he knows fuck all about cars."

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By *acktilMan
over a year ago

Tewkesbury

A blind man went for a job in a wood yard saying he could identify any wood by its smell.

They tested him on different types & he guessed right every time.

To catch him out the secretary laid naked on the floor with her legs open.

He sniffed & said he wasn't sure & asked for the 'wood' to be turned over, he sniffed again & said:

"You can't fool me, it's an old shithouse door off a fishin' boat!

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

..A woman died of Diarrhoea today after having Anal Sex with six men in a vintage car. Police say it was a

Pretty Shitty Gang Bang!

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

How unlucky is my sister, she hasnt had sex with a man for years in case she got a disease. Now She's just caught E.Coli

off a cucumber!

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees.

I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

I ventured into the city today and was mugged by a quadraplegic wearing combats.

I said you can hide but you can't run.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wayne Rooney was once labelled the "White Pele."

Keeping that tradition alive I dub Fernando Torres the "White Heskey."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It has been confirmed that Coleen Rooney donated her pubic hair for Wayne's hair transplant. Doctors say there is a much higher success rate when it has been transplanted from one cunt to another.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Scottish fella in a bar in Canada, after a few whiskeys he notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall. He asks the barman "What is that?" The barman says "It's a moose" The scottish man says

"Fuck me how big are the cats?"

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of swan vesta's....his little face lit up when he tried to walk.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

...What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?

A clit around the ear and a flap across the face!

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

A Jewish guy takes his son for the op. As the aneasthetic is taking effect the guys curiousity gets the better of him and he ask the doc what he does with all the discards.

"I save them up and every month I take them to a little old lady who makes them into wallets. Exquisite stitching and craftsmanship. In fact I have one here if you'd like to see."

"Oh yes, they're beautiful and so soft" said the man "How much are they?"

"£250" replied the doc.

"That's a lot for a wallet" replied the man.

"Not really, when you consider that it turns into a suitcase if you stroke it."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and wanking in front of a tractor. Mick says 'Fucking hell Paddy, what ya doing'. Paddy says, well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately, and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to

attractor.

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By *hite SnakeMan
over a year ago

leeds

I was walking in the local park yesterday. As I walked by the pond I found a large pile of photos showing naked men and women indulging in sex acts.I found the park ranger and told him what I had found he said he knew it was there it was frogs porn.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I got fired in my first day as a Masseuse today.

Apparently "Finish off on my face" doesn't mean what I thought it did.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I got thrown out of the Pub last Saturday.

Bukkake... karaoke... Its all Japanese to me.

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

Did you hear about the bi-sexual cowboy that rode into town and shot up the sheriff?

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

What's the difference between a woman with PMT and a pitbull?

Lipstick.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I met this girl in a night club last night and, as she was leading me away, she said, "I have something to show you, my knickers match my socks."

She wasn't wearing any socks. Stupid bitch.

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

What did fish smell like before woman learned to swim?

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

Woman says to her husband "darling, do these new jeans make my arse look like the back end of a bus?"

Husband "No dear, buses are red"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,

"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,

"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.

We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,

"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Sobbing...

Naked...

and erect.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All in all, 99000 people are making love right now, 22000 are kissing, 11000 are getting oral and one sad wanker is reading this.....

You hang in there, friend!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I got a letter from my GP today about chlamydia. They said people in my age group are the most likely to contract it and that they had free test kits available to collect at the surgery. I thought for a moment about actually going to pick one up one, just so I could give the impression I was actually getting some.....

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

My wife and i had words last night. I didn't get to use mine.

We also had a fight last night. The wife asked what was on the TV. I said "Dust".

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

[Removed by poster at 13/06/11 23:02:40]

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

How do Welsh farmers practice safe sex?

They mark all the sheep that kick with a big X.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Bloke says to wife, "Yr arse is the size of a three burner BBQ" later in bed he says "fancy a shag?" wife says "No point lighting a BBQ for half a fuckin sausage"

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By *ue care and attentionWoman
over a year ago

birmingham

Old Patrick died and wanted to be burried at sea so his mates Paddy and Mick got a rowing boat and put the coffin in it and rowed out about a mile. Paddy said "I wonder if this is far enough?" So Murphy jumped over the side and dissapeared. After several minutes Murphy came back up and said "Yes, this is deep enough, pass me the shovel!"

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

...I was talking to a girl in the pub last night when I said to her "you remind me of my little toe" she said "is that cos I'm small and cute" I said "no, it's

because I'll probably end up banging you

on the coffee table" ......

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

Bloke walking down the high street, pops into a patisserie.

"How much is a slice of that Gattox you have in the window?

"Sir, that is not Gattox but Gateaux and it is £2.50 a slice."

"£2.50 for a slice of fancy cake, bolleuax to that."

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

...Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male, and one female. The female egg says look i've got a crack, the male egg goes,

no good telling me im not hard yet!

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By *aptureMan
over a year ago

Bristol

I just got hit by a huge tide of mineral water, I was Schweppt away.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

"I just got hit by a huge tide of mineral water, I was Schweppt away."

Lol love it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some sick twat nicked a pair of the Mrs knickers from the washing line today! Not too bothered about that but we want the 15 clothes pegs back!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

"Some sick twat nicked a pair of the Mrs knickers from the washing line today! Not too bothered about that but we want the 15 clothes pegs back!!!"

hehehe

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By *5DaveMan
over a year ago

loch lomond

The police knocked on my door last night holding a pic of my wife. They said "is this your wife sir?"

Shocked I answered "yes"

They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus"

I said "I know but she has a lovely personality"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Got stopped by the law for speeding last night. The patrolman came to my window and said, "If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've not heard before, I'll let you off."

I told him, "Sorry officer, but three nights ago my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."

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By *5DaveMan
over a year ago

loch lomond

Paddys wedding nite & his new bride is lying naked, legs spread on the bed. she says "You know what I want!. . . . ."

Paddy says "all the F**king bed by the look of it !"

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By *empnbunkCouple
over a year ago

south coast

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

English teacher with Year 7.

"Now then kiddies, cannot anyone tell me what the word Indifferent means?"

Johnnies hand shoots up "Yes miss, it means marvellous miss."

"I'm afraid not Johnny but i'm intrigued why you thought so."

"It does Miss, last night i woke up thirsty and when i went for a glass of water i heard my mum shout "Oooh that is marvellous"".

"And then i heard dad say "yeah, it's indifferent"".

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

..Two Irish men are watching a Rottweiler licking it's balls. Paddy turns to Murphy and says "I wish I could do that.."

Murphy says "I'd stroke Him first, he looks a Vicious Bastard."

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

Had to take the ferry to Bilbao last week, and on the way over the Bay of Biscay was ever so rough.

So there i was , leaning against the guard rail, throwing my guts up for England, when a steward approached.

"Weak stomach sir?"

"Piss off" said i, "I'm throwing it as far as anyone".

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

...The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me, because she can't afford batteries...

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By *ichie21Man
over a year ago

Birmingham

My mates got alzhiemers I think, he keeps ringing his front door bell then running in the back to to answer it..

I dont think he really knows what he's letting himself in for!

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

paddys wife had never had an orgasm so both of them decide to go to the doctor to find out why, after a load of tests and questions the dr suggests that paddys wife may be overheating during sex..paddy refuses to buy a fan so he invites his best mate around to waft a towel on them during sex, after 20 mins of wafting thers still no orgasm so his friend suggests they swap. "i"ll shag your mrs and You waft the towel", they swap places and within seconds paddys wife is having a screaming orgasm and is writhing with pleasure..paddy turns to his friend and pleased with his efforts says.."and That my old son is how you waft a fucking towel"

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

...My wife calls my cock "The Firework."

Not because it lights up her evening, but because she likes to keep it at arms length since it went off in her face!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mr Jones went back to the doctors for his wife's test results but the doctor told him there had been a mix up with another Mrs Jones and that they weren't sure if his wife had Alzheimers or Aids. Mr Jones asked the doctor what he could do about it and after a moment's thought the doctor replied, "Well, send her to the shops and if she comes back, don't fuck her!"

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

"Mr Jones went back to the doctors for his wife's test results but the doctor told him there had been a mix up with another Mrs Jones and that they weren't sure if his wife had Alzheimers or Aids. Mr Jones asked the doctor what he could do about it and after a moment's thought the doctor replied, "Well, send her to the shops and if she comes back, don't fuck her!""

Lol Lol

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By *yuiop08Man
over a year ago

Salford

3 women are on the beach tanning themselves when they see a guy with no arms and no legs on a towel all alone. They decide to try and cheer him up as he is looking a bit sad.

The 1st women goes over to him and says "Have you ever been huggged", and the guy looks at her and says no. She reaches down gives him a hug and then walks off.

The 2nd woman walks over and says

"Have you ever been kissed", again the guy says no. So she gives him a kiss and then walks off.

So the 3rd woman walks over to him and says "Have you ever been fucked". Well the guy thinks this is his lucky day and with a bewildering smile on his face shakes his head. The woman leans forward and whispers in his ear

"You will be when the tide comes in"

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

I know a Kev that'll get on yer nerves, ger on yer nerves, get on yer nerves

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sarah, stropping into her mothers house: "That's it,James and I are getting divorced!".

Shocked, her mother: "Surely not my dear, why on earth would you do that?".

Sarah, breaking down: "Because all he ever wants is anal sex. My arsehole used to be the size of a 5p piece, now its the size of a 50p piece!".

Her mother, soothingly: "But darling, you have a Porsche, a platinum credit card, the kids go to a private school, you have six holidays a year and a villa in Majorca............and you want to give it all up for the sake of 45p!".

XXXX

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By *exybabyMan
over a year ago

Canterbury....ish

I've just got a new job in the circumcision ward at my local hospital. The money's not very good but i get plenty of tips.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've just got a new job in the circumcision ward at my local hospital. The money's not very good but i get plenty of tips."

EEEEEWW!! Sew them together to make a wallet but be careful when you touch it or you'll end up with a suitcase!!

(yes, I know, blatant steal from a joke up above)

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By *exybabyMan
over a year ago

Canterbury....ish

How do you circumcise a whale??

Send down four skin divers!

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

Three ladies were taking aftrenoon Tea at the Ritz. As the conversation got around to sex and their respective husband's performances and they didn't wish to upset or offend their fellow diners, they decided they would describe their hubbies as cars ( terrible i know ).

Mrs ***** ****** said "Mine is like the latest Rolls Royce, top notch, the finest bodywork, a powerful and smooth performance,"

Mrs ****** said "Mine is like a Ford Focus, dependable, reliable, been around the block a few times, but still goes well when you put yer foot down."

Mrs Mushy "Well, mine's like a London to Brighton vintage car.

He only rallies once a year and even then he has to be started by hand."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Murphy says to paddy

"whats you pet hate"

Paddys says

" It doesn't like my Knob up its arse "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was sat in the pub last night, when a mate came and sat next to me and said, "You look deep in thought."

I said, "I'm just thinking about life's great mysteries."

"I often think about why we here, and what's the meaning of life." He said.

"No, not that." I said, "Why do you only ever see one fucking shoe at the side of the road?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife confronted me about some missing underwear today.

I almost shit her knickers!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So I hear Thailand has its first female Prime Minister.

Or has it?

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