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Hate in my heart, I've tried but....

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I hate my ex, I've tried so hard to be patient, make allowances, and generally be a good egg, but I can't stand her, I'm as nice as I can be to her for the sake of our son, but it's draining.

Half term Holliday's and she weent to Devon with her friend, because she said she needed some time, time for what?, she has no job, she has no responsibilities, she popped in for half an hour before she left, and popped in for ten minutes yesterday when she got back.

I'm just sick of the way she always goes on about how hard her life is, when she has everyone running around doing everything for her, the slightest thing she does now makes me just wzmt to tell her to fuck off.

She sucks all of the fun out of life, when ever she thinks that I'm enjoying life too much she starts trying to find ways to be the centerr of attention or start drama, her favorite is to threaten suicide.

I'm not really asking for advice here, I jusdjusdt really needed to get this shit off my chest, otherwise it festers, and turns intyo something ugly

Rant over.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

.

You know she says the same about you. Lol

Not taking the piss,just putting it in perspective. Gotta have a sense off humour about life. Otherwise all that left is sorrow and sadness.

Good vibes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its good to rant .... just dont let her get you down

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sad to hear that .try to enjoy your life .those who threaten rarely do commit suicide.She sounds as though she knows it still upsets you .Try to ignore it , easily said I know but try .Good luck keep smiling and well done for being a good Dad

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's not easy but anger is draining as you say, can you try to look at it a different way? Try to be devoid of emotions where she is concerned , it's much less wearing then.

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By *loppsyWoman
over a year ago

marlow

Always better to have a good rant! Stay strong xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why does she threaten suicide? If she knows that much about your personal life that things that you are doing are affecting her then she knows too much. How does she know about things in your personal life? Block her on all social media and any contact between you both should be about your son only. Don't talk about anything trivial.

The only reason I can think of that she would threaten suicide is if she wanted a relationship with you or was jealous of your life, she fucks off all the time and sometimes avoids bringing your kid to you at all so doesn't sound like she's desperate to see you at any given opportunity.

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By *ivemeyoursoulWoman
over a year ago

Easter just around the corner!

Hate destroy's,let it go...

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

She obviously feels that she is having a hard time so when she feels you're not she doesn't like it so says these things to try and make you feel bad.

She sounds like hard work! As F&S said you only really need to be in contact with her because of your son.

It can't be an easy situation but try not to let it get to you. If you think she actually might end her life I would tell her mum or someone, you wouldn't want that on your conscience.

Have a nice day

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Why does she threaten suicide? If she knows that much about your personal life that things that you are doing are affecting her then she knows too much. How does she know about things in your personal life? Block her on all social media and any contact between you both should be about your son only. Don't talk about anything trivial.

The only reason I can think of that she would threaten suicide is if she wanted a relationship with you or was jealous of your life, she fucks off all the time and sometimes avoids bringing your kid to you at all so doesn't sound like she's desperate to see you at any given opportunity. "

Our son lives with me, she fucks off and then I'm left to answer the constant "when is mummy coming" questions, she's just irresponsible

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

She may have an easy life to you but you dont know whats happening inside her head

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"She obviously feels that she is having a hard time so when she feels you're not she doesn't like it so says these things to try and make you feel bad.

She sounds like hard work! As F&S said you only really need to be in contact with her because of your son.

It can't be an easy situation but try not to let it get to you. If you think she actually might end her life I would tell her mum or someone, you wouldn't want that on your conscience.

Have a nice day "

She does it because I lost my dad, and my sister to suicide, and she knows it gets to me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i know you didn't ask for advice but have you ever thought about googling about all the dodgy stuff she does? so you can find ways to deal with it.

you can tell her to fuck off, politely, by being as disinterested in her and her drama as possible.

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=why+do+narcissists+threaten+suicdie&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-b&gfe_rd=cr&ei=lP4WWO3iH8XU8gfqjYHAAQ

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Most likely a personality disorder, just keep contact to a minimum, don't share any detail of your life with her, and try to remember that her behaviour towards you isn't "personal", she would do it to anyone. The more you react to her, the more power she has over you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"She obviously feels that she is having a hard time so when she feels you're not she doesn't like it so says these things to try and make you feel bad.

She sounds like hard work! As F&S said you only really need to be in contact with her because of your son.

It can't be an easy situation but try not to let it get to you. If you think she actually might end her life I would tell her mum or someone, you wouldn't want that on your conscience.

Have a nice day

She does it because I lost my dad, and my sister to suicide, and she knows it gets to me"

And she's obviously doing it for a reaction

Continue being the best Dad that you can be for your son and and put that hate to one side

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville

Chin up Kinky and believe in karma - I dunno if it exists but it's got me through a few dodgy times x x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why does she threaten suicide? If she knows that much about your personal life that things that you are doing are affecting her then she knows too much. How does she know about things in your personal life? Block her on all social media and any contact between you both should be about your son only. Don't talk about anything trivial.

The only reason I can think of that she would threaten suicide is if she wanted a relationship with you or was jealous of your life, she fucks off all the time and sometimes avoids bringing your kid to you at all so doesn't sound like she's desperate to see you at any given opportunity.

Our son lives with me, she fucks off and then I'm left to answer the constant "when is mummy coming" questions, she's just irresponsible"

Ahh, yeah she sometimes avoids coming at all, thats where my confusion came from.

Hope is a killer, constantly hoping that if you explain things enough someone will understand and change what they're doing, it never happens. Don't expect anything from anyone and then they can't let you down. It's bad cos you're doing it for the sake of your child but why should you make all the effort. In time your kid will see that you were the one that was constantly there for them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Chin up mate, one day your son will be old enough to realise who did what for him when he was a kid. Karma is a terrible thing when you're on the wrong side of it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am still fighting my ex wife 6 years down the line. The constant arguments about when I can see my kids are horrendous and I try not to be as nasty to her as she is to me but every now and then I blow up.

However, I did get some good advice from a friend recently. "You need to put your her. Not just say the words bit feel it in your bones".

It's taken me a while to understand what she means but I think of am finally getting there. She is still a piece of work but at least it's not eating me up anymore. All I hope is that my sons see her for who she really is and dont blame me for her mood swings

Good luck buddy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did she have a massive personality change after giving birth, or did you know what she was like and still decided to have a child with her regardless?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why does she threaten suicide? If she knows that much about your personal life that things that you are doing are affecting her then she knows too much. How does she know about things in your personal life? Block her on all social media and any contact between you both should be about your son only. Don't talk about anything trivial.

The only reason I can think of that she would threaten suicide is if she wanted a relationship with you or was jealous of your life, she fucks off all the time and sometimes avoids bringing your kid to you at all so doesn't sound like she's desperate to see you at any given opportunity.

Our son lives with me, she fucks off and then I'm left to answer the constant "when is mummy coming" questions, she's just irresponsible"

I have been in a similar situation with the other parent coming and going, disappearing for months at a time and nobody knows where they are - reported as a missing person etc

Having your child ask 'Do you think Dad might be dead?' is heartbreaking

I decided that I would simply have to do everything I could to keep home life as stable as possible and 'content' myself that I was doing the best job

I realised that I couldn't make him have the relationship with our son that I believed our boy deserved Once I got there it was so much easier

Over the years my son and I have talked about his Dad and his problems /behaviour and I was open and honest

It's hard but being ambivalent about him and his behaviour was a great achievement and stopped him impacting our lives so much

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You have your son. #winning

I realise that your situation is very difficult and I can only imagine your little boy feels horrid that his Mummy isnt there for him but as someone said above he'll know who was constant for him. He'll know who loved and cared for him, he'll know who adored him.

When you are old and grey and ready to sleep you will be able to look back and be proud that you raised a beautiful boy.

PS stop picking damaged ladies

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did she have a massive personality change after giving birth, or did you know what she was like and still decided to have a child with her regardless?"

Perhaps he didn't get to decide?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did she have a massive personality change after giving birth, or did you know what she was like and still decided to have a child with her regardless?

Perhaps he didn't get to decide?"

It always takes two people to bring a new life into the world. I don't have a lot of sympathy for people who would do that with someone they hate.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you and your ex tried family mediation to see if that helps?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You have your son. #winning

I realise that your situation is very difficult and I can only imagine your little boy feels horrid that his Mummy isnt there for him but as someone said above he'll know who was constant for him. He'll know who loved and cared for him, he'll know who adored him.

When you are old and grey and ready to sleep you will be able to look back and be proud that you raised a beautiful boy.

PS stop picking damaged ladies "

This

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did she have a massive personality change after giving birth, or did you know what she was like and still decided to have a child with her regardless?"

If only life was that simple

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did she have a massive personality change after giving birth, or did you know what she was like and still decided to have a child with her regardless?"

Winner!!!! Dumbest post ever, this one will take some beating!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did she have a massive personality change after giving birth, or did you know what she was like and still decided to have a child with her regardless?

Winner!!!! Dumbest post ever, this one will take some beating!"

It's not dumb. Harsh, sure.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did she have a massive personality change after giving birth, or did you know what she was like and still decided to have a child with her regardless?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did she have a massive personality change after giving birth, or did you know what she was like and still decided to have a child with her regardless?

If only life was that simple "

Yeah, you might as well say why didn't all the cheaters here pick someone they respected enough to stay faithful to...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

anyway good luck, sounds like you need it.

i've also had kids with a dickhead. i started blanking him completely every time he gave me shit, took him a few years to take the hint.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I see I'm today's scapegoat of choice, so I'll leave you all to it. Sorry for taking it off topic kinkybutler, it was a genuine question.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere


"

She does it because I lost my dad, and my sister to suicide, and she knows it gets to me"

That's really bad. She's disturbed. Stay strong for yourself and your son and keep contact to an absolute minimum. What a nightmare! ((Hugs))

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By *a Fee VerteWoman
over a year ago

Limbo

Obviously it'd be irresponsible to bring a child into the world with someone you already knew to be bad parenting material - but unfortunately, there are plenty of people who only reveal themselves as shits once they're no longer getting their own way and/or who absolve themselves of parental responsibility after they've had a child and decide it's too much like hard work.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire


"Did she have a massive personality change after giving birth, or did you know what she was like and still decided to have a child with her regardless?

Winner!!!! Dumbest post ever, this one will take some beating!

It's not dumb. Harsh, sure. "
it is dumb, people change for all kinds of reasons, relationship breakdowns, on set of mental illness, trauma. Everything isnt black and white

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

- i have a life motto - always be true to yourself - i have been with my kids to hell and back pretty much but guess who they turn to now - as someone said kids know who is there for them and when they grow up they realise (ignore the teen moods and awful things they say - they usually dont mean them)- it is her that is losing out but maybe she knows that and cannot handle that - we dont know the full story but it sounds complex and lengthy - stay strong x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did she have a massive personality change after giving birth, or did you know what she was like and still decided to have a child with her regardless?

Perhaps he didn't get to decide?

It always takes two people to bring a new life into the world. I don't have a lot of sympathy for people who would do that with someone they hate. "

Ruby I'm sure he didn't hate her at the time. My point being that the circumstances of the pregnancy are unknown. That being said now there is a little boy and a Dad just venting frustrstion.

You dont need to show sympathy but I always find a little empathy for others situations goes a long way.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Obviously it'd be irresponsible to bring a child into the world with someone you already knew to be bad parenting material - but unfortunately, there are plenty of people who only reveal themselves as shits once they're no longer getting their own way and/or who absolve themselves of parental responsibility after they've had a child and decide it's too much like hard work."

Personality disorders can be concealed in the short term, the arrival of a child who as well as being a responsibility, takes the focus of attention from the self-absorbed parent, often triggers the problem.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did she have a massive personality change after giving birth, or did you know what she was like and still decided to have a child with her regardless?

Winner!!!! Dumbest post ever, this one will take some beating!"

not funny

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did she have a massive personality change after giving birth, or did you know what she was like and still decided to have a child with her regardless?

Winner!!!! Dumbest post ever, this one will take some beating!"

It's actually a thought provoking question.

Would help to understand the situation the OP is in. At the moment it's obviously very one sided.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did she have a massive personality change after giving birth, or did you know what she was like and still decided to have a child with her regardless?

Winner!!!! Dumbest post ever, this one will take some beating!

It's not dumb. Harsh, sure. it is dumb, people change for all kinds of reasons, relationship breakdowns, on set of mental illness, trauma. Everything isnt black and white"

and sometimes people lie and pretend to be what you wanted until you're committed to them, then they show their true selves.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did she have a massive personality change after giving birth, or did you know what she was like and still decided to have a child with her regardless?

Winner!!!! Dumbest post ever, this one will take some beating!

It's actually a thought provoking question.

Would help to understand the situation the OP is in. At the moment it's obviously very one sided."

It's interesting, a female posting such a thread would most likely have sympathy and advice dished out on all sides.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You always come across to me as a good man op and I'm sure your a good dad too. I know it's very differcult but try not to bitch about her to your son. This will get harder as he gets older n asks more questions but the best thing is to alow him to form his own opinion on his mother. Something he will do as he ages. Xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Threatening suicide is a form of emotional blackmail and will only work if you still have feelings for her...my ex used do it until one day I told him to crack on as he wouldn't be missed by either my son or me...

He soon changed tack ...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Threatening suicide is a form of emotional blackmail and will only work if you still have feelings for her...my ex used do it until one day I told him to crack on as he wouldn't be missed by either my son or me...

He soon changed tack ...

"

That's a dangerous tactic, it could be the trigger for a disordered mind to go ahead.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did she have a massive personality change after giving birth, or did you know what she was like and still decided to have a child with her regardless?

Winner!!!! Dumbest post ever, this one will take some beating!

It's actually a thought provoking question.

Would help to understand the situation the OP is in. At the moment it's obviously very one sided.

It's interesting, a female posting such a thread would most likely have sympathy and advice dished out on all sides. "

The OP IS getting sympathy from all sides, I'm spite of us all knowing only one side of the story.

I thought Ruby's question was an interesting one to reflect on - it's certainly one that will add to my own thinking when I, too, am feeling bitter towards my daughter's mother.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can't even imagine what it must be like to have a problem ex who you have to keep in contact with because of a child!

Try and keep your chin up, OP. Have you got plenty of supportive friends and family who you can chat to!?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did she have a massive personality change after giving birth, or did you know what she was like and still decided to have a child with her regardless?

Winner!!!! Dumbest post ever, this one will take some beating!

It's actually a thought provoking question.

Would help to understand the situation the OP is in. At the moment it's obviously very one sided.

It's interesting, a female posting such a thread would most likely have sympathy and advice dished out on all sides.

The OP IS getting sympathy from all sides, I'm spite of us all knowing only one side of the story.

I thought Ruby's question was an interesting one to reflect on - it's certainly one that will add to my own thinking when I, too, am feeling bitter towards my daughter's mother."

Relationships evolve and change, people change, what was glossed over in the early days of relationships can become a major issue later, as we grow and mature we recognise personality and mental health issues that weren't apparent to us when younger. Brooding on past mistakes helps no-one, there is only the now and the future.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think if you can't understand that people change then you can't really understand this thread.

Once happy couples drift apart every day and it's not because they didn't love each other at some point or that they weren't a match from the beginning, it's because a lot of people change as time goes on, feelings you have got people and the things you want and don't want. To suggest that you knew what you were getting from the beginning is naive at best in my opinion. Life and relationships particularly are rarely as black and white as the comment suggested, if it was the world would be a much happier place but it just isn't.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You always come across to me as a good man op and I'm sure your a good dad too. I know it's very differcult try not to bitch about her to your son. This will get harder as he gets older n asks more questions but the best thing is to alow him to form his own opinion on his mother. Something he will do as he ages. Xxx"

I was going to say something very similar. It can't be easy for you. When I was having a rough time in the past was told you have to accept you can't change how others behaves, only how you respond and what your expectations of them are. Try and rise above it, at least in front of your son, and one day he'll understand how it went and you'll be the bigger man for not having done her down.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did she have a massive personality change after giving birth, or did you know what she was like and still decided to have a child with her regardless?

Winner!!!! Dumbest post ever, this one will take some beating!

It's actually a thought provoking question.

Would help to understand the situation the OP is in. At the moment it's obviously very one sided.

It's interesting, a female posting such a thread would most likely have sympathy and advice dished out on all sides. "

have you read the replies - full of advise and sympathy - both of which the op wasnt even asking for - he just needed to get it out of his system -

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There's always 3 sides to every story , his side , her side and the truth

Cut off any ties except where necessary for ur son but life's too short to feel the way you do , life is precious, enjoy it before it passes you by

Good luck

Steve

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You always come across to me as a good man op and I'm sure your a good dad too. I know it's very differcult try not to bitch about her to your son. This will get harder as he gets older n asks more questions but the best thing is to alow him to form his own opinion on his mother. Something he will do as he ages. Xxx

I was going to say something very similar. It can't be easy for you. When I was having a rough time in the past was told you have to accept you can't change how others behaves, only how you respond and what your expectations of them are. Try and rise above it, at least in front of your son, and one day he'll understand how it went and you'll be the bigger man for not having done her down."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think if you can't understand that people change then you can't really understand this thread.

Once happy couples drift apart every day and it's not because they didn't love each other at some point or that they weren't a match from the beginning, it's because a lot of people change as time goes on, feelings you have got people and the things you want and don't want. To suggest that you knew what you were getting from the beginning is naive at best in my opinion. Life and relationships particularly are rarely as black and white as the comment suggested, if it was the world would be a much happier place but it just isn't."

I'm not doubting that of course people can change throughout a relationship.

But there are also people who do knowingly get involved with someone from the start who has issues (for want of a better word) whatever they might be, MH, addiction etc etc.

It's pretty naive to think it's not a possibility.

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By *otsoSnowWhiteWoman
over a year ago

My Ice Castle! South Wales


"

and sometimes people lie and pretend to be what you wanted until you're committed to them, then they show their true selves."

Sorry to hear of your problems OP. It's such a shame when one parent decides that their life is more important than the life they helped bring into the world. Selfishness is not a nice trait.

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By *rince Charming 69Man
over a year ago

Loughborough

Your ex can only upset you if you give her permission to do so.

You are responsible for your own life and actions, but nobody elses.

Her life and actions have nothing to do with you.

Holding on to anger hate and resentment is like holding on to a hot coal...... it will just hurt you and burn you up.

Let go, and send her your forgiveness, gratitude for the good things you once shared, and best wishes for her future.

And then look forwards to moving on with your own life.

And breathe...............

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Your ex can only upset you if you give her permission to do so.

You are responsible for your own life and actions, but nobody elses.

Her life and actions have nothing to do with you.

Holding on to anger hate and resentment is like holding on to a hot coal...... it will just hurt you and burn you up.

Let go, and send her your forgiveness, gratitude for the good things you once shared, and best wishes for her future.

And then look forwards to moving on with your own life.

And breathe............... "

Well said

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think if you can't understand that people change then you can't really understand this thread.

Once happy couples drift apart every day and it's not because they didn't love each other at some point or that they weren't a match from the beginning, it's because a lot of people change as time goes on, feelings you have got people and the things you want and don't want. To suggest that you knew what you were getting from the beginning is naive at best in my opinion. Life and relationships particularly are rarely as black and white as the comment suggested, if it was the world would be a much happier place but it just isn't.

I'm not doubting that of course people can change throughout a relationship.

But there are also people who do knowingly get involved with someone from the start who has issues (for want of a better word) whatever they might be, MH, addiction etc etc.

It's pretty naive to think it's not a possibility."

Of course, because they themselves also have issues. We all have issues, it's a question of degree, and after all, we're continually being told not to judge or discriminate.....

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By *ivemeyoursoulWoman
over a year ago

Easter just around the corner!


"She may have an easy life to you but you dont know whats happening inside her head

"

This! I lost my way a little when I divorced,sometimes you just want to hit out or say daft thing's. You don't realise how ugly the word divorce is until you've been through it for all involved.

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By *horltzMan
over a year ago

heysham


"I hate my ex, I've tried so hard to be patient, make allowances, and generally be a good egg, but I can't stand her, I'm as nice as I can be to her for the sake of our son, but it's draining.

Half term Holliday's and she weent to Devon with her friend, because she said she needed some time, time for what?, she has no job, she has no responsibilities, she popped in for half an hour before she left, and popped in for ten minutes yesterday when she got back.

I'm just sick of the way she always goes on about how hard her life is, when she has everyone running around doing everything for her, the slightest thing she does now makes me just wzmt to tell her to fuck off.

She sucks all of the fun out of life, when ever she thinks that I'm enjoying life too much she starts trying to find ways to be the centerr of attention or start drama, her favorite is to threaten suicide.

I'm not really asking for advice here, I jusdjusdt really needed to get this shit off my chest, otherwise it festers, and turns intyo something ugly

Rant over."

Rise above it , pity her don't hate her , that's how I dealt with mine , I'm now a better person for it , I know you weren't seeking advice but just thought I would share my opinion

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By *al2001Man
over a year ago

kildare

As far as break ups go you won the lotto mate

You have your son

Any other drama that you let affect you is on you.sounds like she plays you for a mug. That's on you too

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By *ivemeyoursoulWoman
over a year ago

Easter just around the corner!


"Threatening suicide is a form of emotional blackmail and will only work if you still have feelings for her...my ex used do it until one day I told him to crack on as he wouldn't be missed by either my son or me...

He soon changed tack ...

That's a dangerous tactic, it could be the trigger for a disordered mind to go ahead."

Yeah not something I would chance saying incase he did,but then I haven't been in that situation I suppose so I don't know.

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville


"I see I'm today's scapegoat of choice, so I'll leave you all to it. Sorry for taking it off topic kinkybutler, it was a genuine question. "

Not a scapegoat Ruby - your comment was harsh and insensitive and treated as such

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"As far as break ups go you won the lotto mate

You have your son

"

That is a very good point! ! If his mother was not messed up he may well not have him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think if you can't understand that people change then you can't really understand this thread.

Once happy couples drift apart every day and it's not because they didn't love each other at some point or that they weren't a match from the beginning, it's because a lot of people change as time goes on, feelings you have got people and the things you want and don't want. To suggest that you knew what you were getting from the beginning is naive at best in my opinion. Life and relationships particularly are rarely as black and white as the comment suggested, if it was the world would be a much happier place but it just isn't."

Never, ever in a million years did I think when I married my ex husband and had three wonderful boys with him, did I ever think I would be going through a divorce, living miles and miles away from my kids and only seeing them twice a month for weekends, never in a million years did I think I'd ever look at my ex and think 'what an absolute dickhead' I look at him now and wonder what I saw in him, I guess 17 years ago things were very different, young and in 'love', things change so much in that time and the person you married all that time ago, isn't the same person today (probably getting married after two and a half months of being together would do that to a person and despite being at school with him, I didn't know what kind of person he was to live with!)

G x

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By *al2001Man
over a year ago

kildare


"Did she have a massive personality change after giving birth, or did you know what she was like and still decided to have a child with her regardless?"

Post natal depression? If she already had issues PND would be more likely too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think if you can't understand that people change then you can't really understand this thread.

Once happy couples drift apart every day and it's not because they didn't love each other at some point or that they weren't a match from the beginning, it's because a lot of people change as time goes on, feelings you have got people and the things you want and don't want. To suggest that you knew what you were getting from the beginning is naive at best in my opinion. Life and relationships particularly are rarely as black and white as the comment suggested, if it was the world would be a much happier place but it just isn't.

Never, ever in a million years did I think when I married my ex husband and had three wonderful boys with him, did I ever think I would be going through a divorce, living miles and miles away from my kids and only seeing them twice a month for weekends, never in a million years did I think I'd ever look at my ex and think 'what an absolute dickhead' I look at him now and wonder what I saw in him, I guess 17 years ago things were very different, young and in 'love', things change so much in that time and the person you married all that time ago, isn't the same person today (probably getting married after two and a half months of being together would do that to a person and despite being at school with him, I didn't know what kind of person he was to live with!)

G x"

divorce is a nightmare experience,i never thought I would be divorced after 23 years marriage,however I am,but I'm still good friends with the ex as we have a 15 year old son,that needs both his mam and his dad in his life,it is tough,but it does getter better with time as most things do

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By *al2001Man
over a year ago

kildare


"As far as break ups go you won the lotto mate

You have your son

That is a very good point! ! If his mother was not messed up he may well not have him. "

Exactly. It's nearly always the other way

He has his son and his lunatic ex is out of picture

#winning

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By *ivemeyoursoulWoman
over a year ago

Easter just around the corner!


"As far as break ups go you won the lotto mate

You have your son

That is a very good point! ! If his mother was not messed up he may well not have him.

Exactly. It's nearly always the other way

He has his son and his lunatic ex is out of picture

#winning "

I wonder if his son feels that way...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Threatening suicide is a form of emotional blackmail and will only work if you still have feelings for her...my ex used do it until one day I told him to crack on as he wouldn't be missed by either my son or me...

He soon changed tack ...

That's a dangerous tactic, it could be the trigger for a disordered mind to go ahead."

It could be but it worked for me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Accept, change and let go

Op pretty much in the same boat, or should i say i was the hate i once felt was immense

Now all i feel is pitty and disgust

The hate has gone

And it feels so good

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By *al2001Man
over a year ago

kildare


"As far as break ups go you won the lotto mate

You have your son

That is a very good point! ! If his mother was not messed up he may well not have him.

Exactly. It's nearly always the other way

He has his son and his lunatic ex is out of picture

#winning

I wonder if his son feels that way..."

It's probably best for his son if she is the way she says he is. I wouldn't let her near the boy tbh. Speaking as a father

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By *adyDangerWoman
over a year ago

land of debauchery and kink

I think me personally would have to cut complete contact and set up a routine with regard to contact with your ex and son. He needs routine and she obv can't see or understand this.

Maybe sit and talk and explain things aren't working as they are therefore you are wanting set days, wether it be one day a week and alternate weekends or every 3rd weekend. This way your child knows where he is emotionally wise, you can distance yourself also. Take the control from her.

This is what I found worked for me. We had no contact he just came picked kids up beeped outside every Thursday. If she brakes the arrangement then stop contact as it's confusing the child. His emotional well being comes first she needs to understand this and if she can't then you have no alternative to cease contact.

It's a shit situation OP I've been there x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did she have a massive personality change after giving birth, or did you know what she was like and still decided to have a child with her regardless?

Winner!!!! Dumbest post ever, this one will take some beating!

It's not dumb. Harsh, sure. it is dumb, people change for all kinds of reasons, relationship breakdowns, on set of mental illness, trauma. Everything isnt black and white

and sometimes people lie and pretend to be what you wanted until you're committed to them, then they show their true selves."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not all women are like how you describe op and there are some very nice ones out there

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By *unguy78Man
over a year ago

landudno


"I see I'm today's scapegoat of choice, so I'll leave you all to it. Sorry for taking it off topic kinkybutler, it was a genuine question. "

It was a blunt and condescending comment you made, bordering on judgemental, fuck me they're big words for a monday. All OP was doing was having a rant to pick himself up, don't feel I'm picking on you as others maybe, was just stating, perhaps not so blunt next time? Big hugs all round

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By *ath_Neil_bifunCouple
over a year ago

near cardiff


"I hate my ex, I've tried so hard to be patient, make allowances, and generally be a good egg, but I can't stand her, I'm as nice as I can be to her for the sake of our son, but it's draining.

Half term Holliday's and she weent to Devon with her friend, because she said she needed some time, time for what?, she has no job, she has no responsibilities, she popped in for half an hour before she left, and popped in for ten minutes yesterday when she got back.

I'm just sick of the way she always goes on about how hard her life is, when she has everyone running around doing everything for her, the slightest thing she does now makes me just wzmt to tell her to fuck off.

She sucks all of the fun out of life, when ever she thinks that I'm enjoying life too much she starts trying to find ways to be the centerr of attention or start drama, her favorite is to threaten suicide.

I'm not really asking for advice here, I jusdjusdt really needed to get this shit off my chest, otherwise it festers, and turns intyo something ugly

Rant over."

You sound exactly like my brother..he's been doing this for at least two years now, and I have known my brother to be so broken. As I keep tellin him kick her into touch, and deal with the shit it brings. In 18months time you will be glad you did it..I stuck with my exs for the sake of my daughter for all of six months. Then I was gone. Now am as I happy as I will ever be

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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

I don't know the whole story .. if this breakup is recent I know in my case it was worse than a bereavement.. it'll take a couple of years to see the light ..kuhbler Ross cited denial bargaining anger depression and finally acceptance..

My suggestion

Focus your energies on your son ..

hate loathing and many other feelings I had towards my ex' affected me ... I guess it's what a lot of folk would call baggage ....

Sooner you can get passed those feelings you'll be better for it and so will your lad. Best wishes fella

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By *etter the devil you knowWoman
over a year ago

Lyndhurst

I dont understand why she doesnt want to spend more time with her son, have you asked her why? is it because she thinks he doesnt need her because you are all he needs? Maybe she is deppresed because she is unenployed.

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By *al2001Man
over a year ago

kildare


"I hate my ex, I've tried so hard to be patient, make allowances, and generally be a good egg, but I can't stand her, I'm as nice as I can be to her for the sake of our son, but it's draining.

Half term Holliday's and she weent to Devon with her friend, because she said she needed some time, time for what?, she has no job, she has no responsibilities, she popped in for half an hour before she left, and popped in for ten minutes yesterday when she got back.

I'm just sick of the way she always goes on about how hard her life is, when she has everyone running around doing everything for her, the slightest thing she does now makes me just wzmt to tell her to fuck off.

She sucks all of the fun out of life, when ever she thinks that I'm enjoying life too much she starts trying to find ways to be the centerr of attention or start drama, her favorite is to threaten suicide.

I'm not really asking for advice here, I jusdjusdt really needed to get this shit off my chest, otherwise it festers, and turns intyo something ugly

Rant over.

You sound exactly like my brother..he's been doing this for at least two years now, and I have known my brother to be so broken. As I keep tellin him kick her into touch, and deal with the shit it brings. In 18months time you will be glad you did it..I stuck with my exs for the sake of my daughter for all of six months. Then I was gone. Now am as I happy as I will ever be "

"Dealing with the shit it brings" often for fathers means dealing with not seeing your kids

I couldn't ever deal with that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When did she change and what was happening in your life's for the change?..... Or has she always been a dick?.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My advice if she threatens suicide is to call police and tell them.

If she is serious then she will receive the help she needs. You are not the help she needs.

If she is messing around and wasting time she will get a telling of from police and I guarantee she will not do it again.

As for contact try mediation, failing that issue an application at court. Keep any contact with her polite and to the point and only discuss child.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I see I'm today's scapegoat of choice, so I'll leave you all to it. Sorry for taking it off topic kinkybutler, it was a genuine question. "

The person I met, wasn't the person I ended up with, she's a compulsive liar, in the true sense of the word, so not knowing we were trying for a baby, sort of took it out of my hands,

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I can't even imagine what it must be like to have a problem ex who you have to keep in contact with because of a child!

Try and keep your chin up, OP. Have you got plenty of supportive friends and family who you can chat to!? "

Draining would be my word of choice. Very draining.

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By *ouple in LancashireCouple
over a year ago

in Lancashire


"Hate destroy's,let it go..."

this..

it will chew you up and by the time you've become tainted by it the object of it will not have changed or wont give a toss if they are aware of how they actually affect you..

its a negative thing, bin it, rise above it and crack on..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I see I'm today's scapegoat of choice, so I'll leave you all to it. Sorry for taking it off topic kinkybutler, it was a genuine question.

The person I met, wasn't the person I ended up with, she's a compulsive liar, in the true sense of the word, so not knowing we were trying for a baby, sort of took it out of my hands, "
.

Life's a learning curve, debit money, credit experience.... Sadly we all try to fix the other persons faults when perhaps the easier option is looking at our own, that's not a criticism, it's just sometimes we get treated like a doormat because we act like doormats?

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By *ivemeyoursoulWoman
over a year ago

Easter just around the corner!


"As far as break ups go you won the lotto mate

You have your son

That is a very good point! ! If his mother was not messed up he may well not have him.

Exactly. It's nearly always the other way

He has his son and his lunatic ex is out of picture

#winning

I wonder if his son feels that way...

It's probably best for his son if she is the way she says he is. I wouldn't let her near the boy tbh. Speaking as a father"

but he's already said his son constantly asks when is mummy coming,so he clearly misses her.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"As far as break ups go you won the lotto mate

You have your son

That is a very good point! ! If his mother was not messed up he may well not have him.

Exactly. It's nearly always the other way

He has his son and his lunatic ex is out of picture

#winning

I wonder if his son feels that way...

It's probably best for his son if she is the way she says he is. I wouldn't let her near the boy tbh. Speaking as a father

but he's already said his son constantly asks when is mummy coming,so he clearly misses her."
.

Heroin addicts constantly ask where the next fix is and how much they miss it.... It doesn't mean it's any good for them!.

If his mother is anything like described it's probably best that her visits are closely supervised until she's sorted her shit out otherwise.... Well monkey see monkey do!

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By *ightfall79Man
over a year ago

Dunbartonshire

Going through this just now with my ex , she has the kids and I try and see them whenever possible.

She tends to play games if her new man is about then I get a text saying I can't come and see the kids so could I leave it for another day and so on.

Woukd be easy to hate her but I've done my best not to so it doesn't rub off on the kids.

Best I can say is chin up and all that. Not fair on your son I know with mum not spending more time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"As far as break ups go you won the lotto mate

You have your son

That is a very good point! ! If his mother was not messed up he may well not have him.

Exactly. It's nearly always the other way

He has his son and his lunatic ex is out of picture

#winning

I wonder if his son feels that way...

It's probably best for his son if she is the way she says he is. I wouldn't let her near the boy tbh. Speaking as a father

but he's already said his son constantly asks when is mummy coming,so he clearly misses her."

Children want their parents, that doesn't mean the parent is good for them

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By *ivemeyoursoulWoman
over a year ago

Easter just around the corner!


"As far as break ups go you won the lotto mate

You have your son

That is a very good point! ! If his mother was not messed up he may well not have him.

Exactly. It's nearly always the other way

He has his son and his lunatic ex is out of picture

#winning

I wonder if his son feels that way...

It's probably best for his son if she is the way she says he is. I wouldn't let her near the boy tbh. Speaking as a father

but he's already said his son constantly asks when is mummy coming,so he clearly misses her..

Heroin addicts constantly ask where the next fix is and how much they miss it.... It doesn't mean it's any good for them!.

If his mother is anything like described it's probably best that her visits are closely supervised until she's sorted her shit out otherwise.... Well monkey see monkey do!"

As has already been said we're only hearing one side of the story.

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By *al2001Man
over a year ago

kildare


"As far as break ups go you won the lotto mate

You have your son

That is a very good point! ! If his mother was not messed up he may well not have him.

Exactly. It's nearly always the other way

He has his son and his lunatic ex is out of picture

#winning

I wonder if his son feels that way...

It's probably best for his son if she is the way she says he is. I wouldn't let her near the boy tbh. Speaking as a father

but he's already said his son constantly asks when is mummy coming,so he clearly misses her."

Of course he misses her. It's a mess alright. My point was tho that more often than not it's the dad who isn't around,by choice or not,so for him to have his son is a result. Big time

I split with both my boys 10 years ago when they were 1 and 2 and Iv had them every second day since. But I look at that as having lost half the time with my boys over last 10 years

The guy is winning. Let her play out her dramas while you do your best to deal with them and enjoy every minute with your lad. That's all that matters

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By *ath_Neil_bifunCouple
over a year ago

near cardiff


"I hate my ex, I've tried so hard to be patient, make allowances, and generally be a good egg, but I can't stand her, I'm as nice as I can be to her for the sake of our son, but it's draining.

Half term Holliday's and she weent to Devon with her friend, because she said she needed some time, time for what?, she has no job, she has no responsibilities, she popped in for half an hour before she left, and popped in for ten minutes yesterday when she got back.

I'm just sick of the way she always goes on about how hard her life is, when she has everyone running around doing everything for her, the slightest thing she does now makes me just wzmt to tell her to fuck off.

She sucks all of the fun out of life, when ever she thinks that I'm enjoying life too much she starts trying to find ways to be the centerr of attention or start drama, her favorite is to threaten suicide.

I'm not really asking for advice here, I jusdjusdt really needed to get this shit off my chest, otherwise it festers, and turns intyo something ugly

Rant over.

You sound exactly like my brother..he's been doing this for at least two years now, and I have known my brother to be so broken. As I keep tellin him kick her into touch, and deal with the shit it brings. In 18months time you will be glad you did it..I stuck with my exs for the sake of my daughter for all of six months. Then I was gone. Now am as I happy as I will ever be

"Dealing with the shit it brings" often for fathers means dealing with not seeing your kids

I couldn't ever deal with that"

I have joint custody of my kid. Fathers who don't see their kids have usually made that decision with the ex outside of a court. No family judge will stop a Dad from seeing his kid, and joint custody is more,and more commonplace..Its a pain in the arse but I make it work.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Only way to combat being taken the piss out of is to lay down strict rules of visits and who has you're son when and what times.

If she keeps making threats of suicide then you need to either get her to speak to a professional or as someone said tell the police, the former being the best option to try first.

The last thing you want is you're son with her if she has these feeling

If you are the main carer for you're son then you need to call the shots but be fair in you're descisions.

Sitting there worrying about it and getting all wound up about it will do you no good both you're physical health or indeed you're mental health.

I wish you well

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By *ivemeyoursoulWoman
over a year ago

Easter just around the corner!


"As far as break ups go you won the lotto mate

You have your son

That is a very good point! ! If his mother was not messed up he may well not have him.

Exactly. It's nearly always the other way

He has his son and his lunatic ex is out of picture

#winning

I wonder if his son feels that way...

It's probably best for his son if she is the way she says he is. I wouldn't let her near the boy tbh. Speaking as a father

but he's already said his son constantly asks when is mummy coming,so he clearly misses her.

Of course he misses her. It's a mess alright. My point was tho that more often than not it's the dad who isn't around,by choice or not,so for him to have his son is a result. Big time

I split with both my boys 10 years ago when they were 1 and 2 and Iv had them every second day since. But I look at that as having lost half the time with my boys over last 10 years

The guy is winning. Let her play out her dramas while you do your best to deal with them and enjoy every minute with your lad. That's all that matters"

Yep it's a mess,for the op for the mum and for his son. Unfortunately at time's us grownup's royally fuck up and it's the children that suffer. You just have to make the best of thing's for the kid's sake and spare them as much hurt as you can.

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By *al2001Man
over a year ago

kildare


"I hate my ex, I've tried so hard to be patient, make allowances, and generally be a good egg, but I can't stand her, I'm as nice as I can be to her for the sake of our son, but it's draining.

Half term Holliday's and she weent to Devon with her friend, because she said she needed some time, time for what?, she has no job, she has no responsibilities, she popped in for half an hour before she left, and popped in for ten minutes yesterday when she got back.

I'm just sick of the way she always goes on about how hard her life is, when she has everyone running around doing everything for her, the slightest thing she does now makes me just wzmt to tell her to fuck off.

She sucks all of the fun out of life, when ever she thinks that I'm enjoying life too much she starts trying to find ways to be the centerr of attention or start drama, her favorite is to threaten suicide.

I'm not really asking for advice here, I jusdjusdt really needed to get this shit off my chest, otherwise it festers, and turns intyo something ugly

Rant over.

You sound exactly like my brother..he's been doing this for at least two years now, and I have known my brother to be so broken. As I keep tellin him kick her into touch, and deal with the shit it brings. In 18months time you will be glad you did it..I stuck with my exs for the sake of my daughter for all of six months. Then I was gone. Now am as I happy as I will ever be

"Dealing with the shit it brings" often for fathers means dealing with not seeing your kids

I couldn't ever deal with that

I have joint custody of my kid. Fathers who don't see their kids have usually made that decision with the ex outside of a court. No family judge will stop a Dad from seeing his kid, and joint custody is more,and more commonplace..Its a pain in the arse but I make it work."

I have joint custody too. Maybe things are different in uk but I know lots of men who's kids are used as a weapon against them and courts are no help

Don't get me wrong I despise men who don't do enough for their kids,should be castrated publicly as a lesson to others,but Iv seen it happen to decent guys too thru no fault of their own

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