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To buy.. or not to buy.. (Strange post)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I'll say prior to you continuing to read.. this is an odd post!.. (For a swingers site, or any site for that matter!)

The scene: my ex and I split up about 4 years ago. She wanted to move to a different country (I didn't) and on top of that, we weren't compatible sex wise (me a kinky bastard, she obscenely vanilla). We remained on good terms for couple of years, until I requested we go cold turkey so I could move on and we haven't spoke for well over a year. I've since been able to explore and enjoy my kinky side and not have to restrict myself.

It's her 30th coming up in a few months. When we separated I was strapped for cash and she got a bit of a raw deal when I bought her out of the house we had. In the very back of my mind I've always felt bad for this...

Since we split I've since become more comfortable financially (and feel very very fortunate for it!).. she hasn't due to travelling etc. For her 30th, I'm considering buying her a very very nice watch (few grand) as a tip of the hat to the happy years we spent together and to make amends for her getting a raw deal over the house (essentially, I guess to make me feel better to be honest and also to make her happy).

I'm just wondering if this is just a ridiculously bad idea.. if I'm actually just being a dick.. and if you received such a gift given the circumstances, how you'd feel?

As said; an odd post.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

But you've not spoken for a year...

It's a nice gesture but I think it's a bit past that now.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I'd feel pretty fed up if I was strapped for cash and someone bought me a watch for a couple of thousand , I would also feel pretty insulted to be given a watch by someone feeling guilty because they gave me a "raw deal" (not sure what you mean by that, did you pay her less than her half was worth?)instead of them coming clean and making it right.

However I'm not your ex and she might feel differently.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My ex bought me an expensive gift and it made me uncomfortable, had he said here is a grand to make up for the shit deal you got on the house now i can afford it i would have thought it was a kind gesture

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think if a gift is given with thoughtfulness and the best of intentions then you can't really go wrong

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

I wouldn't accept a gift of any sort of an ex tbh

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"But you've not spoken for a year...

It's a nice gesture but I think it's a bit past that now."

Thanks for the reply. It's probably been at least 1 1/2 years!

I feel more on principle it may be a nice gesture.. despite not having had contact.

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By *histler21Man
over a year ago

Ipswich


"I'll say prior to you continuing to read.. this is an odd post!.. (For a swingers site, or any site for that matter!)

The scene: my ex and I split up about 4 years ago. She wanted to move to a different country (I didn't) and on top of that, we weren't compatible sex wise (me a kinky bastard, she obscenely vanilla). We remained on good terms for couple of years, until I requested we go cold turkey so I could move on and we haven't spoke for well over a year. I've since been able to explore and enjoy my kinky side and not have to restrict myself.

It's her 30th coming up in a few months. When we separated I was strapped for cash and she got a bit of a raw deal when I bought her out of the house we had. In the very back of my mind I've always felt bad for this...

Since we split I've since become more comfortable financially (and feel very very fortunate for it!).. she hasn't due to travelling etc. For her 30th, I'm considering buying her a very very nice watch (few grand) as a tip of the hat to the happy years we spent together and to make amends for her getting a raw deal over the house (essentially, I guess to make me feel better to be honest and also to make her happy).

I'm just wondering if this is just a ridiculously bad idea.. if I'm actually just being a dick.. and if you received such a gift given the circumstances, how you'd feel?

As said; an odd post. "

Is there a chance she will try to go back for an increase in the settlement?

She is an ex for a reason. Sleeping dogs and all that...

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester


"My ex bought me an expensive gift and it made me uncomfortable, had he said here is a grand to make up for the shit deal you got on the house now i can afford it i would have thought it was a kind gesture

"

This a gift is personal and could give the wrong msg where as giving her what's she due cash wise is not only the right thing to do its just business so to speak

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I wouldn't accept a gift of any sort of an ex tbh "

I was considering paying cash for the watch and including the receipt and a note to say; "if you don't want it then get a refund, but I'd rather the money go to charity"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good god no! Why do you think she got a bad deal, if solicitors were involved I would have thought she got the best deal possible? You moved on and became financially successful and she decided to travel, her financial choice. If you do what your thinking of doing could solicitors revisit you financially wise?

Be friendly my friend but no.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just give her the money you feel she lost out on

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By *ezebelWoman
over a year ago

North of The Wall - youll need your vest


"I wouldn't accept a gift of any sort of an ex tbh

I was considering paying cash for the watch and including the receipt and a note to say; "if you don't want it then get a refund, but I'd rather the money go to charity" "

If an ex bought me an expensive gift to try and compensate for ripping me off a few years ago and then suggested that I might get the money and give it to charity Id be getting my voodoo doll back out and be sharpening those pins

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I very much appreciate the responses.

Solicitors would not be able to revisit me as all that is well and truly resolved.

To elaborate on the "raw deal". In my view it wasn't especially a raw deal; I paid for a large deposit on a house. When we split she was legally obliged to take 50% of the equity.

Legally this was right. Morally (in my view then) it was wrong. Long story short we kind of met in the middle and she got more than was morally right but less than what was legally right (we settled without solicitors to avoid further costs).

Since then.. I feel bad (and embarrassed) for bikkering over percentages! She should've just got 50%.. done deal. Thus why I feel obliged to make amends.

Like I said, I appreciate the thoughts of others on this! Thanks!

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By *obbytupperMan
over a year ago

Menston near Ilkley


"I'll say prior to you continuing to read.. this is an odd post!.. (For a swingers site, or any site for that matter!)

The scene: my ex and I split up about 4 years ago. She wanted to move to a different country (I didn't) and on top of that, we weren't compatible sex wise (me a kinky bastard, she obscenely vanilla). We remained on good terms for couple of years, until I requested we go cold turkey so I could move on and we haven't spoke for well over a year. I've since been able to explore and enjoy my kinky side and not have to restrict myself.

It's her 30th coming up in a few months. When we separated I was strapped for cash and she got a bit of a raw deal when I bought her out of the house we had. In the very back of my mind I've always felt bad for this...

Since we split I've since become more comfortable financially (and feel very very fortunate for it!).. she hasn't due to travelling etc. For her 30th, I'm considering buying her a very very nice watch (few grand) as a tip of the hat to the happy years we spent together and to make amends for her getting a raw deal over the house (essentially, I guess to make me feel better to be honest and also to make her happy).

I'm just wondering if this is just a ridiculously bad idea.. if I'm actually just being a dick.. and if you received such a gift given the circumstances, how you'd feel?

As said; an odd post. "

Give her the house tight wad! You've wasted the best part of her life, at least make it comfortable for her. it's only a possession after all.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Think Newgirl has got it bob on. Actual cash would be more fitting given the circumstances. Then just be done with it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Give her cash. Or offer it maybe. But the expensive watch seems a bit weird and possibly even arrogant

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"I very much appreciate the responses.

Solicitors would not be able to revisit me as all that is well and truly resolved.

To elaborate on the "raw deal". In my view it wasn't especially a raw deal; I paid for a large deposit on a house. When we split she was legally obliged to take 50% of the equity.

Legally this was right. Morally (in my view then) it was wrong. Long story short we kind of met in the middle and she got more than was morally right but less than what was legally right (we settled without solicitors to avoid further costs).

Since then.. I feel bad (and embarrassed) for bikkering over percentages! She should've just got 50%.. done deal. Thus why I feel obliged to make amends.

Like I said, I appreciate the thoughts of others on this! Thanks! "

do what you think is right but don't insult her by doing what makes you feel better.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Personally I think watches are over-rated (I don't wear one) so maybe cash or travel vouchers - something she is likely to use.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'll say prior to you continuing to read.. this is an odd post!.. (For a swingers site, or any site for that matter!)

The scene: my ex and I split up about 4 years ago. She wanted to move to a different country (I didn't) and on top of that, we weren't compatible sex wise (me a kinky bastard, she obscenely vanilla). We remained on good terms for couple of years, until I requested we go cold turkey so I could move on and we haven't spoke for well over a year. I've since been able to explore and enjoy my kinky side and not have to restrict myself.

It's her 30th coming up in a few months. When we separated I was strapped for cash and she got a bit of a raw deal when I bought her out of the house we had. In the very back of my mind I've always felt bad for this...

Since we split I've since become more comfortable financially (and feel very very fortunate for it!).. she hasn't due to travelling etc. For her 30th, I'm considering buying her a very very nice watch (few grand) as a tip of the hat to the happy years we spent together and to make amends for her getting a raw deal over the house (essentially, I guess to make me feel better to be honest and also to make her happy).

I'm just wondering if this is just a ridiculously bad idea.. if I'm actually just being a dick.. and if you received such a gift given the circumstances, how you'd feel?

As said; an odd post.

Give her the house tight wad! You've wasted the best part of her life, at least make it comfortable for her. it's only a possession after all. "

That's a bit rude

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm confused. You were strapped for cash yet you were able to buy your ex out of the house you shared?

That doesn't make sense to me.

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville

If I was strapped for cash then I'd prefer the cash to the watch..... I couldn't wear it.

If she is still wanting to travel - how about a travel voucher? Or just a cheque and tell her your thoughts - I'm sure she'd appreciate that much more

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I'll be honest.. this is something I've been thinking about for a while.

Options:

- give her the watch as a gift (it's a watch that I know she'll like and will keep its value)

- give her the cash (I could just transfer the £ and then she could do as she pleases.. sorted)

- don't do anything.. (Said to myself that if I've not decided by her 30th then I'm just going to leave it completely)

Still undecided.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I'm confused. You were strapped for cash yet you were able to buy your ex out of the house you shared?

That doesn't make sense to me."

I took over the mortgage.. but struggled to cough up 50% of the equity so she agreed on less than 50%.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'm confused. You were strapped for cash yet you were able to buy your ex out of the house you shared?

That doesn't make sense to me.

I took over the mortgage.. but struggled to cough up 50% of the equity so she agreed on less than 50%. "

Do you have children together?

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester


"I'm confused. You were strapped for cash yet you were able to buy your ex out of the house you shared?

That doesn't make sense to me.

I took over the mortgage.. but struggled to cough up 50% of the equity so she agreed on less than 50%. "

Sounds to me like she just wanted out and fast. Think I'd leave it be

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I'm confused. You were strapped for cash yet you were able to buy your ex out of the house you shared?

That doesn't make sense to me.

I took over the mortgage.. but struggled to cough up 50% of the equity so she agreed on less than 50%.

Do you have children together?"

No. If we did it would've been me supporting them as she left the country. If it was her supporting them then she could've had 100%. Alas, no children. (Thank fuck!)

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London


"I'd feel pretty fed up if I was strapped for cash and someone bought me a watch for a couple of thousand , I would also feel pretty insulted to be given a watch by someone feeling guilty because they gave me a "raw deal" (not sure what you mean by that, did you pay her less than her half was worth?)instead of them coming clean and making it right.

However I'm not your ex and she might feel differently."

This!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'm confused. You were strapped for cash yet you were able to buy your ex out of the house you shared?

That doesn't make sense to me.

I took over the mortgage.. but struggled to cough up 50% of the equity so she agreed on less than 50%.

Do you have children together?

No. If we did it would've been me supporting them as she left the country. If it was her supporting them then she could've had 100%. Alas, no children. (Thank fuck!)"

OK, if you offered me a watch I'd ram it down your throat. But that's just me.

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By *anchester_gentMan
over a year ago

Cheshire / Manchester border

Reading all this I'm really not sure if the idea behind this gift is to make her feel happier or to make you feel less guilty.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Reading all this I'm really not sure if the idea behind this gift is to make her feel happier or to make you feel less guilty.

"

It's both. I'd be 100% lying if I said it wasn't to make me feel less guilty.

The question I'm asking myself is should I feel guilty. If two people buy a house. One pays 20k for the deposit. The other, nothing. Two years later they split. The one who paid 20k must pay the other (who paid nothing).. £10,000.

That to me doesn't add up. But.. legally, it is correct. Thus fair is fair (by the law)

Previously, my view of "fair is fair" (whilst skint) was "that's my 20k!!"

But now I feel differently.

Many people reading this might think I'm just a dick. If I was, I wouldn't have posted this and I wouldn't be pondering it. I'm trying to decide what's "right"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I very much appreciate the responses.

Solicitors would not be able to revisit me as all that is well and truly resolved.

To elaborate on the "raw deal". In my view it wasn't especially a raw deal; I paid for a large deposit on a house. When we split she was legally obliged to take 50% of the equity.

Legally this was right. Morally (in my view then) it was wrong. Long story short we kind of met in the middle and she got more than was morally right but less than what was legally right (we settled without solicitors to avoid further costs).

Since then.. I feel bad (and embarrassed) for bikkering over percentages! She should've just got 50%.. done deal. Thus why I feel obliged to make amends.

Like I said, I appreciate the thoughts of others on this! Thanks! "

OK well I'm confused what you feel guilty about. Did she pay half the mortgage?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

She paid half the mortgage (per month) but I paid all the deposit.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"She paid half the mortgage (per month) but I paid all the deposit. "

Sounds like a pretty simple calculation really. Take the value of the deposit, multiply by a reasonable interest value. Deduct the total from the sale price of the house, split the remainder 50/50.

It shouldn't be 50% each of the sale price.

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By *r TriomanMan
over a year ago

Malmesbury

A little confused, if the OP paid more than 'morally' required how does legally required turn out to be more? Unless what's required of use by law has nothing to do with morals?

How does the OP's ex feel about how much she recieved? If she's happy then he's just beating himself up for not reason. If she isn't, then a conscience easing gift of a watch isn't what's required. In my opion, the OP should pay the difference between his moral payment and the legally required amount.

That all said, this is only one side of the story so I'm not sure that it's not as cut and dry as it sounds.

Basically, either stick with the status quo or pay the difference - but whatever you decide, no watch!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

So.. thinking on ditching the watch!

Re the "morally right" and "legally right"

In a hypothetical situation:

If someone pays 100k for a house. And the other person nothing. Then I would regard that morally the person who paid nothing would hey nothing. But legally they'd get 50%... 50k.

That's what I mean between moral and legal.

Above is hypothetical and our circumstances were we met half way between moral and legal. So she got much more than she put in but less than what legally she could've got.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The watch or a large wedge of cash is inappropriate, she settled and all ties moral o legal are sorted.

But do send a card, that would be a nice gesture.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If its been so long and neither have had contact then i wouldn't worry about it, you've both moved on....put it down to life and live yours without regret, she was happy with her sum, full stop, end of story.

I wouldn't even do anything for her birthday,she's got on with her life

Sorry to be blunt

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A little confused, if the OP paid more than 'morally' required how does legally required turn out to be more? Unless what's required of use by law has nothing to do with morals?

"

There's nothing moral about driving on the left hand side of the road is there?

Most law is meant to originate from some sort of moral code, but that doesn't mean it remains well balanced in practice.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you had been in the house 20 years I would say splitting it 50/50 would be fair but after 2 years? That deposit was yours fair and square. Don't feel guilty about it. She stayed friends with you so she obviously isn't holding it against you. Let the guilt go and be happy x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't. Just don't even go there. I felt awkward just hearing it.

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By *akeyousmile30Man
over a year ago

greenwich


"I'll say prior to you continuing to read.. this is an odd post!.. (For a swingers site, or any site for that matter!)

The scene: my ex and I split up about 4 years ago. She wanted to move to a different country (I didn't) and on top of that, we weren't compatible sex wise (me a kinky bastard, she obscenely vanilla). We remained on good terms for couple of years, until I requested we go cold turkey so I could move on and we haven't spoke for well over a year. I've since been able to explore and enjoy my kinky side and not have to restrict myself.

It's her 30th coming up in a few months. When we separated I was strapped for cash and she got a bit of a raw deal when I bought her out of the house we had. In the very back of my mind I've always felt bad for this...

Since we split I've since become more comfortable financially (and feel very very fortunate for it!).. she hasn't due to travelling etc. For her 30th, I'm considering buying her a very very nice watch (few grand) as a tip of the hat to the happy years we spent together and to make amends for her getting a raw deal over the house (essentially, I guess to make me feel better to be honest and also to make her happy).

I'm just wondering if this is just a ridiculously bad idea.. if I'm actually just being a dick.. and if you received such a gift given the circumstances, how you'd feel?

As said; an odd post. "

Time to move on mate.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The watch or a large wedge of cash is inappropriate, she settled and all ties moral o legal are sorted.

But do send a card, that would be a nice gesture. "

A card saying what? I was going to buy you a watch but was told a card would do

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By * PillowsWoman
over a year ago

stevenage


"Don't. Just don't even go there. I felt awkward just hearing it. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The watch or a large wedge of cash is inappropriate, she settled and all ties moral o legal are sorted.

But do send a card, that would be a nice gesture.

A card saying what? I was going to buy you a watch but was told a card would do"

How about a card saying "happy birthday"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think you gave her value fair amount, taking into consideration you paid the deposit and your available funds at the t.Stop worrying about it. A big present is not appropriate, it might come back and bite you in the bum. XXX

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why not just give her the money you feel she should have had instead, if it had been done fairly at the time. Can't you just post it through the door anonymously ? If she needs cash, a watch isn't much help.

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By *ivemeyoursoulWoman
over a year ago

Easter just around the corner!

Send her the cash...

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By *unloversCouple
over a year ago

rotherham

To be honest if you haven't spoken for all that time and there is no chance of you getting back together then why bothere unless kids are involved

It's like raking up old memories

Surely both of you have moved on by now

I could go on but won't

Your money luv.....you do what you want

Don't think any of our opinions will change your mind

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If i hadnt spoken to my ex for 18 months then i would say do nothing x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'll say prior to you continuing to read.. this is an odd post!.. (For a swingers site, or any site for that matter!)

The scene: my ex and I split up about 4 years ago. She wanted to move to a different country (I didn't) and on top of that, we weren't compatible sex wise (me a kinky bastard, she obscenely vanilla). We remained on good terms for couple of years, until I requested we go cold turkey so I could move on and we haven't spoke for well over a year. I've since been able to explore and enjoy my kinky side and not have to restrict myself.

It's her 30th coming up in a few months. When we separated I was strapped for cash and she got a bit of a raw deal when I bought her out of the house we had. In the very back of my mind I've always felt bad for this...

Since we split I've since become more comfortable financially (and feel very very fortunate for it!).. she hasn't due to travelling etc. For her 30th, I'm considering buying her a very very nice watch (few grand) as a tip of the hat to the happy years we spent together and to make amends for her getting a raw deal over the house (essentially, I guess to make me feel better to be honest and also to make her happy).

I'm just wondering if this is just a ridiculously bad idea.. if I'm actually just being a dick.. and if you received such a gift given the circumstances, how you'd feel?

As said; an odd post. "

So basically, you want to buy her something expensive to assuage your guilt over the fact you pulled a fast one over the property you owned together? Were you hoping for a clearer conscience?

If I was strapped for cash and an ex that I hadn't spoken to for ages bought me something expensive, I'd be off down the pawnbrokers to exchange it for cash pdq

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Simple answer: no.

Why not say to her that you're in a position now to balance the deal on the house. Give her the money, and walk away.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'll say prior to you continuing to read.. this is an odd post!.. (For a swingers site, or any site for that matter!)

The scene: my ex and I split up about 4 years ago. She wanted to move to a different country (I didn't) and on top of that, we weren't compatible sex wise (me a kinky bastard, she obscenely vanilla). We remained on good terms for couple of years, until I requested we go cold turkey so I could move on and we haven't spoke for well over a year. I've since been able to explore and enjoy my kinky side and not have to restrict myself.

It's her 30th coming up in a few months. When we separated I was strapped for cash and she got a bit of a raw deal when I bought her out of the house we had. In the very back of my mind I've always felt bad for this...

Since we split I've since become more comfortable financially (and feel very very fortunate for it!).. she hasn't due to travelling etc. For her 30th, I'm considering buying her a very very nice watch (few grand) as a tip of the hat to the happy years we spent together and to make amends for her getting a raw deal over the house (essentially, I guess to make me feel better to be honest and also to make her happy).

I'm just wondering if this is just a ridiculously bad idea.. if I'm actually just being a dick.. and if you received such a gift given the circumstances, how you'd feel?

As said; an odd post. "

She made her life choices and you made yours. Keep moving forward

Don't buy her the watch

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No. Time to move on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So.. thinking on ditching the watch!

Re the "morally right" and "legally right"

In a hypothetical situation:

If someone pays 100k for a house. And the other person nothing. Then I would regard that morally the person who paid nothing would hey nothing. But legally they'd get 50%... 50k.

That's what I mean between moral and legal.

Above is hypothetical and our circumstances were we met half way between moral and legal. So she got much more than she put in but less than what legally she could've got. "

You paid more for the deposit. You owe her nothing. I don't know why you feel guilty.

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By *hiterabbit6Couple
over a year ago

Sexytown, Moray


"The watch or a large wedge of cash is inappropriate, she settled and all ties moral o legal are sorted.

But do send a card, that would be a nice gesture. "

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

I understand you have the best intentions op but if i was strapped for cash what on earth would i want with an expensive watch

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So.. thinking on ditching the watch!

Re the "morally right" and "legally right"

In a hypothetical situation:

If someone pays 100k for a house. And the other person nothing. Then I would regard that morally the person who paid nothing would hey nothing. But legally they'd get 50%... 50k.

That's what I mean between moral and legal.

Above is hypothetical and our circumstances were we met half way between moral and legal. So she got much more than she put in but less than what legally she could've got.

You paid more for the deposit. You owe her nothing. I don't know why you feel guilty. "

Me neither

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

She would appreciate the money more....at least that reflects better the "raw deal" you said you gave her.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"She would appreciate the money more....at least that reflects better the "raw deal" you said you gave her."

Or to be even more precise "the legally raw deal, but not morally raw deal" you gave her

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Again, many thanks for the responses. Even the ones that're blunt and say "no, full stop". They're helpful all the same.

I didn't pull a "fast one" with the original deal.. I met her half way. I won't give the figures but imagine this scenario:

Buy a house for £100k

Deposited:

Person 1 - 20k

Person 2 - nothing

Pay off £2k in mortgage payments together over 2 years.

Split up, house worth 100k still. So 22k equity.

So by my working out. This should be split thusly if person 1 is buying person 2 out:

Legally: 50/50. Each £11k.

Morally: person 1 gets 20k and person 2 gets 1k (exactly what they each put in)

In my scenario I disagreed with my ex over me needing to cough up a lot of money to her that I'd only just saved to allow us to buy a house. She wanted the money to travel. I wanted to remain settled. I met her half way, so in the above scenario that would be 6k.. the figure between 11k (legal entitlement) and 1k ("moral" entitlement).

Over the years my views have changed slightly and I kind of wish I'd just given her the full legal around and not squabbled.

Those who say this is just for my guilt. You're correct to some extent. But there's more to it than that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Personally, I wouldn't want the money. It smacks a bit of thinking she's weak and unable to get herself together financially.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sometimes making amends involves doing nothing.

Check your motive here!

My advice, do nothing - all parties agreed to the offer at the time.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Sometimes making amends involves doing nothing.

Check your motive here!

My advice, do nothing - all parties agreed to the offer at the time."

This is my view the majority of the time. Then the strange person in me throws rational thought out the window!

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

A financial poor deal should be recompensed financially, not with shiny baubles.

You can give her a gift too but for really making a clean break and a clear mind, rebalance the books appropriately.

This is tougher if your contract is now not to communicate

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A financial poor deal should be recompensed financially, not with shiny baubles.

You can give her a gift too but for really making a clean break and a clear mind, rebalance the books appropriately.

This is tougher if your contract is now not to communicate "

What part of it makes you think it was a financially poor deal?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Move on, you made it she went traveling and now is skint. Such as life, stop feeling guilty what's in the past is done and dusted and Should remain that way.

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville


"If you had been in the house 20 years I would say splitting it 50/50 would be fair but after 2 years? That deposit was yours fair and square. Don't feel guilty about it. She stayed friends with you so she obviously isn't holding it against you. Let the guilt go and be happy x"

After reading some more of what you have said I agree with above

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By *unloversCouple
over a year ago

rotherham

After reading it all again. I think the whole situation should have stayed private and not broadcasted in a swingers forum

There's nothing any of us can do about you decision now so decide what up are going to do then move on

Good luck

Now. Enjoy your day

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By *ella-donnaWoman
over a year ago

Preston

Why open a can of worms? You've both moved on and not communicated in 18 months, so why would you think she'd want to hear from you now? I doubt she'd even want a card let alone a watch - I know I wouldn't.

Your ex - and her legal team - were all happy with the financial settlement, she went travelling and spent her money that way. No kids involved, no further legal or moral obligation. Your circumstances years down the line are irrelevant.

If you feel guilty why not give what you think you 'owe' her to chatity? There are plenty of worthy causes who would appreciate a few grand.

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By *erbyDalesCplCouple
over a year ago

Derbyshire

OP: to me it sounds as if 'cold turkey' hasn't worked, nor that you have moved on.

It sounds as if you were fair at the time, so anything now could be construed as either trying to rekindle something that you both wanted to end, or, at worst, an insult.

Of course maybe she now has the travelling bug out of her system and is ready to settle down, but outside of Rom-coms, the reality is probably that any rekindled relationship would soon remind one of you why you are currently exes.

I wouldn't even send a card tbh.

You WILL find someone made for you, but you'll find them in the future, not the past.

Good luck

Mr ddc

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Why open a can of worms? You've both moved on and not communicated in 18 months, so why would you think she'd want to hear from you now? I doubt she'd even want a card let alone a watch - I know I wouldn't.

Your ex - and her legal team - were all happy with the financial settlement, she went travelling and spent her money that way. No kids involved, no further legal or moral obligation. Your circumstances years down the line are irrelevant.

If you feel guilty why not give what you think you 'owe' her to chatity? There are plenty of worthy causes who would appreciate a few grand."

I think that's what I'm going to do. Alzheimer's society. And just continue with no contact.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why don't you just give her the money that she should have got as part of the split which I'm sure she'd appreciate. No good wearing a watch worth thousands if you're struggling financially. That's what I'd do anyway.

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By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

Leave things as they are dude, you did nothing wrong.

From my understanding of the situation, she got more than she was entitled to, regardless of what "the Law" would say.

You paid the deposit, she paid nothing, yet she got to move into a new house.

If she got half of what the value of the house was, minus 20k, then she got her fair share, although it sounds to me like she got more than that, so I'd say she came out ahead.

You broke contact as you felt you needed to, it's all done and dusted, move on, and if your guilt really is that bad, give the money to a local charity where you can actually see the money do some good.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

youve both moved on and accepted the terms on which you did that - both doing what you wanted to do - gifts out of guilt wont do anything to alter the situation - if you want to do anything give her some cash to carry on traveling -

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds to me like the OP gave his ex £1k and now feeling guilty.

Put some money in an envelope and put it through her door, she won't want or need the expensive watch, and will be a waste of money that she could use elsewhere.

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By *mmmMaybeCouple
over a year ago

West Wales

OK my view is your ex should have got 50% of the equity minus 50% of the deposit, if you gave her less in settlement and are in a position to do it now or at least make it better then do so..However there is another view (mine)..

You have possibly spent the intervening time improving your lot in life & knuckling down to increase your income/wealth..What did she go abroad to do?

S

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Reading all this I'm really not sure if the idea behind this gift is to make her feel happier or to make you feel less guilty.

It's both. I'd be 100% lying if I said it wasn't to make me feel less guilty.

The question I'm asking myself is should I feel guilty. If two people buy a house. One pays 20k for the deposit. The other, nothing. Two years later they split. The one who paid 20k must pay the other (who paid nothing).. £10,000.

That to me doesn't add up. But.. legally, it is correct. Thus fair is fair (by the law)

Previously, my view of "fair is fair" (whilst skint) was "that's my 20k!!"

But now I feel differently.

Many people reading this might think I'm just a dick. If I was, I wouldn't have posted this and I wouldn't be pondering it. I'm trying to decide what's "right" "

Marriage is just a bet

Betting half your worldly possessions that your relationship will go the distance and last forever

I'm not a gambling man...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Sounds to me like the OP gave his ex £1k and now feeling guilty.

Put some money in an envelope and put it through her door, she won't want or need the expensive watch, and will be a waste of money that she could use elsewhere. "

The figures aren't exact in the hypothetical situation I gave above. But based loosely on those figures; she got an amount inbetween what she put in (the 1k in mortgage payments) and the full equity of 22k (as I saved £20k)

I think for my own peace of mind I'm just going to give the few grand to charity.

I suppose it's a debate about what's right ethically vs legally.

When people sign in joint names then legally both own 50% of the house. It doesn't matter if only one person puts up 100k.. legally. I didn't agree with this at the time as id worked hard for that deposit.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You know what, this all sounds remarkably like you want people to think you have some money, and that you might get a shag out of saying you will give a few grand to charity.

Just the way you come across with your posts.

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville

If you are going to give it to charity anyway and it'll ease your guilt - why not gift it to her anonymously instead. That way you know it went to good use and your guilt would be totally erased?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Sounds to me like the OP gave his ex £1k and now feeling guilty.

Put some money in an envelope and put it through her door, she won't want or need the expensive watch, and will be a waste of money that she could use elsewhere.

The figures aren't exact in the hypothetical situation I gave above. But based loosely on those figures; she got an amount inbetween what she put in (the 1k in mortgage payments) and the full equity of 22k (as I saved £20k)

I think for my own peace of mind I'm just going to give the few grand to charity.

I suppose it's a debate about what's right ethically vs legally.

When people sign in joint names then legally both own 50% of the house. It doesn't matter if only one person puts up 100k.. legally. I didn't agree with this at the time as id worked hard for that deposit. "

The law is an ass. I don't see how she'd be entitled to half the house when you put such a massive deposit in. Best reason ever to not live with someone or get married.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Sounds to me like the OP gave his ex £1k and now feeling guilty.

Put some money in an envelope and put it through her door, she won't want or need the expensive watch, and will be a waste of money that she could use elsewhere.

The figures aren't exact in the hypothetical situation I gave above. But based loosely on those figures; she got an amount inbetween what she put in (the 1k in mortgage payments) and the full equity of 22k (as I saved £20k)

I think for my own peace of mind I'm just going to give the few grand to charity.

I suppose it's a debate about what's right ethically vs legally.

When people sign in joint names then legally both own 50% of the house. It doesn't matter if only one person puts up 100k.. legally. I didn't agree with this at the time as id worked hard for that deposit.

The law is an ass. I don't see how she'd be entitled to half the house when you put such a massive deposit in. Best reason ever to not live with someone or get married. "

You can easily set it up when you buy a house with someone to "protect" the share you've put in, whether you're married, cohabiting, friends, sisters, whatever.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Sounds to me like the OP gave his ex £1k and now feeling guilty.

Put some money in an envelope and put it through her door, she won't want or need the expensive watch, and will be a waste of money that she could use elsewhere.

The figures aren't exact in the hypothetical situation I gave above. But based loosely on those figures; she got an amount inbetween what she put in (the 1k in mortgage payments) and the full equity of 22k (as I saved £20k)

I think for my own peace of mind I'm just going to give the few grand to charity.

I suppose it's a debate about what's right ethically vs legally.

When people sign in joint names then legally both own 50% of the house. It doesn't matter if only one person puts up 100k.. legally. I didn't agree with this at the time as id worked hard for that deposit. "

So why didn't you set the ownership up to protect your share? It's perfectly easy to do - when taking out my last mortgage we both had to actually sign to say we wanted it to be joint and equal.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Sounds to me like the OP gave his ex £1k and now feeling guilty.

Put some money in an envelope and put it through her door, she won't want or need the expensive watch, and will be a waste of money that she could use elsewhere.

The figures aren't exact in the hypothetical situation I gave above. But based loosely on those figures; she got an amount inbetween what she put in (the 1k in mortgage payments) and the full equity of 22k (as I saved £20k)

I think for my own peace of mind I'm just going to give the few grand to charity.

I suppose it's a debate about what's right ethically vs legally.

When people sign in joint names then legally both own 50% of the house. It doesn't matter if only one person puts up 100k.. legally. I didn't agree with this at the time as id worked hard for that deposit.

The law is an ass. I don't see how she'd be entitled to half the house when you put such a massive deposit in. Best reason ever to not live with someone or get married.

You can easily set it up when you buy a house with someone to "protect" the share you've put in, whether you're married, cohabiting, friends, sisters, whatever. "

Good to know, thanks.

No-one in their right mind would share with me though.

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

She will probably sell it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Sounds to me like the OP gave his ex £1k and now feeling guilty.

Put some money in an envelope and put it through her door, she won't want or need the expensive watch, and will be a waste of money that she could use elsewhere.

The figures aren't exact in the hypothetical situation I gave above. But based loosely on those figures; she got an amount inbetween what she put in (the 1k in mortgage payments) and the full equity of 22k (as I saved £20k)

I think for my own peace of mind I'm just going to give the few grand to charity.

I suppose it's a debate about what's right ethically vs legally.

When people sign in joint names then legally both own 50% of the house. It doesn't matter if only one person puts up 100k.. legally. I didn't agree with this at the time as id worked hard for that deposit.

So why didn't you set the ownership up to protect your share? It's perfectly easy to do - when taking out my last mortgage we both had to actually sign to say we wanted it to be joint and equal. "

I didn't know at the time of buying that 2 years later we'd be separating. It didn't even occur to me at the time to get it legally drawn up what we each put in. In the future I'll be doing this to protect myself.

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

I'd say the past should stay where it is.

You've not spoken for over a year so for all you know she's not financially strapped.

If she agreed to the amounts at the time then there is no guilt to be had.

Are you using this as a way to get back in touch with her? Are you not over her?

If my ex got in touch with a gift or anything he'd be shocked at the result.

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham


"The law is an ass. I don't see how she'd be entitled to half the house when you put such a massive deposit in. Best reason ever to not live with someone or get married. "

I agree, a cousin of mine was given a house by his parents. GF moves in, they have kids and then she takes him for half the house. Which was all paid for by his parents

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'll say prior to you continuing to read.. this is an odd post!.. (For a swingers site, or any site for that matter!)

The scene: my ex and I split up about 4 years ago. She wanted to move to a different country (I didn't) and on top of that, we weren't compatible sex wise (me a kinky bastard, she obscenely vanilla). We remained on good terms for couple of years, until I requested we go cold turkey so I could move on and we haven't spoke for well over a year. I've since been able to explore and enjoy my kinky side and not have to restrict myself.

It's her 30th coming up in a few months. When we separated I was strapped for cash and she got a bit of a raw deal when I bought her out of the house we had. In the very back of my mind I've always felt bad for this...

Since we split I've since become more comfortable financially (and feel very very fortunate for it!).. she hasn't due to travelling etc. For her 30th, I'm considering buying her a very very nice watch (few grand) as a tip of the hat to the happy years we spent together and to make amends for her getting a raw deal over the house (essentially, I guess to make me feel better to be honest and also to make her happy).

I'm just wondering if this is just a ridiculously bad idea.. if I'm actually just being a dick.. and if you received such a gift given the circumstances, how you'd feel?

As said; an odd post. "

If you feel like you owe her a few grand why not give her the cash instead of a watch? It's always good to tidy up all the loose ends neatly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'll say prior to you continuing to read.. this is an odd post!.. (For a swingers site, or any site for that matter!)

The scene: my ex and I split up about 4 years ago. She wanted to move to a different country (I didn't) and on top of that, we weren't compatible sex wise (me a kinky bastard, she obscenely vanilla). We remained on good terms for couple of years, until I requested we go cold turkey so I could move on and we haven't spoke for well over a year. I've since been able to explore and enjoy my kinky side and not have to restrict myself.

It's her 30th coming up in a few months. When we separated I was strapped for cash and she got a bit of a raw deal when I bought her out of the house we had. In the very back of my mind I've always felt bad for this...

Since we split I've since become more comfortable financially (and feel very very fortunate for it!).. she hasn't due to travelling etc. For her 30th, I'm considering buying her a very very nice watch (few grand) as a tip of the hat to the happy years we spent together and to make amends for her getting a raw deal over the house (essentially, I guess to make me feel better to be honest and also to make her happy).

I'm just wondering if this is just a ridiculously bad idea.. if I'm actually just being a dick.. and if you received such a gift given the circumstances, how you'd feel?

As said; an odd post. "

It's not an odd post

It's just another one of those 'pat myself on the back' threads hahaha

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"You know what, this all sounds remarkably like you want people to think you have some money, and that you might get a shag out of saying you will give a few grand to charity.

Just the way you come across with your posts."

That's quite disappointing that anyone would take that view.

I can say with confidence that I'm not just banging on about this to get a shag. I was intrigued by others views on it.

Would be a very odd way to go about getting laid.

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

dont..let sleeping dogs lie..move on as you obviously haven't..it seems you want to do this for your own benefit...deal with that in yourself. its your process not hers and you never know what you might fuck up for her in her life..xxx

just my honest opinion x

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham


"dont..let sleeping dogs lie..move on as you obviously haven't..it seems you want to do this for your own benefit...deal with that in yourself. its your process not hers and you never know what you might fuck up for her in her life..xxx

just my honest opinion x"

Agree

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By *unloversCouple
over a year ago

rotherham

End of thread

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I wouldn't accept a gift of any sort of an ex tbh "

I'd be asking my ex what there after lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You know what, this all sounds remarkably like you want people to think you have some money, and that you might get a shag out of saying you will give a few grand to charity.

Just the way you come across with your posts.

That's quite disappointing that anyone would take that view.

I can say with confidence that I'm not just banging on about this to get a shag. I was intrigued by others views on it.

Would be a very odd way to go about getting laid."

Although the suggestion appears to have merit, it ignores the context. He's talking about his ex not some idiot online. There is no suggestion on his part that he would be overly generous to anyone if all he felt like giving his ex is a fucking trinket that only says "yeah I fucked you then fucked you over haha here's a useless gift to show how much disposable income I have now"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I mean seriously a watch? Who wears watches? She'd appreciate an iPhone 7 more if you are hell bent on rubbing her nose in it

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By *iSTARessWoman
over a year ago

London

No contact for 18 months then strolling up waving an expensive gift sounds like arrogance.

But if you're wanting to pay off your conscious, cash.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

You know when you wake up and regret having posted a thread whilst pissed up..... well, that.

- The suggestion of a watch is by no means arrogance but rather just an idea I had. (Seemingly a bad one) It was an idea that had the best of intentions.

Not to show off. Not to try to get laid. Not to just make myself feel better. Just to do something nice after the dust has settled and to make up for me being so stubborn previously in focussing on what was morally right rather than her legal obligation.

There doesn't always have to be ulterior motives.

To conclude. I'm not going to do anything. People are correct in saying that it's in the past and should stay there. It's innapropriate at best.

End of thread. Thanks for replying and happy fabbing!

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By *unloversCouple
over a year ago

rotherham

I did say end of thread ages ago but was ignored

Was trying to save you from going through more opinions

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I did say end of thread ages ago but was ignored

Was trying to save you from going through more opinions

"

he wanted the opinions. HE decided when he'd had enough

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By *unloversCouple
over a year ago

rotherham

Nothing wrong with being helpful

Buger off

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"Again, many thanks for the responses. Even the ones that're blunt and say "no, full stop". They're helpful all the same.

I didn't pull a "fast one" with the original deal.. I met her half way. I won't give the figures but imagine this scenario:

Buy a house for £100k

Deposited:

Person 1 - 20k

Person 2 - nothing

Pay off £2k in mortgage payments together over 2 years.

Split up, house worth 100k still. So 22k equity.

So by my working out. This should be split thusly if person 1 is buying person 2 out:

Legally: 50/50. Each £11k.

Morally: person 1 gets 20k and person 2 gets 1k (exactly what they each put in)

In my scenario I disagreed with my ex over me needing to cough up a lot of money to her that I'd only just saved to allow us to buy a house. She wanted the money to travel. I wanted to remain settled. I met her half way, so in the above scenario that would be 6k.. the figure between 11k (legal entitlement) and 1k ("moral" entitlement).

Over the years my views have changed slightly and I kind of wish I'd just given her the full legal around and not squabbled.

Those who say this is just for my guilt. You're correct to some extent. But there's more to it than that. "

I can't believe that legally she would be entitled to that after a couple of years, that's like you paying her 10k for her company for 2 years, bollocks to that!

Sounds to me like you've done way more than was fair anyway.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If my ex came round out of the blue, to give me an expensive watch. I'm afraid I'd be very sceptical as to why. But on the other hand if he turned up. And wanted to apologise for how things had gone over the selling of the house etc. And gave me an envelop with money in it. I'd actually take it and think ah he wasn't such a dick after all....

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

You are being selfish. AGAIN.

By your own admission she got a raw deal over the house.

You'd feel no guilt if you didn't know that you ripped her off.

The watch is not a gift it's to salve your conscience.

Give her the house.

Finally ........ yes I think you are a dick. ( you asked )

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 25/09/16 21:41:05]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it's a bad idea.

If you feel that guilty about the house, give her what you consider that you swindled her out of in the first place. But don't dress it up as a birthday gift.

That's just like gift wrapping a turd.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"You are being selfish. AGAIN.

By your own admission she got a raw deal over the house.

You'd feel no guilt if you didn't know that you ripped her off.

The watch is not a gift it's to salve your conscience.

Give her the house.

Finally ........ yes I think you are a dick. ( you asked ) "

I think that whole post is a bit harsh on me to be honest.

I haven't previously been selfish.. I gave her money that I had saved as a deposit and she hadn't. I just didn't give her the full lot that she was legally obliged to.. as it wasn't her that saved the deposit.

The raw deal refers to me bickering over that legal amount not being fair and with hindsight it's the quabling over that that I regret. I feel I should've just paid for it.

I wasn't being selfish - I'd never not give someone money that they paid. And I don't think I'm being selfish now to be honest.

As posted above by me and others.. end of thread as I've concluded its a bad idea.

Thanks for helping me see sense everyone.

Please don't message to just attack me or call me selfish etc as it's pretty shit to read that when I'm trying to be considerate.

Saying I'm a dick is also harsh.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You are being selfish. AGAIN.

By your own admission she got a raw deal over the house.

You'd feel no guilt if you didn't know that you ripped her off.

The watch is not a gift it's to salve your conscience.

Give her the house.

Finally ........ yes I think you are a dick. ( you asked )

I think that whole post is a bit harsh on me to be honest.

I haven't previously been selfish.. I gave her money that I had saved as a deposit and she hadn't. I just didn't give her the full lot that she was legally obliged to.. as it wasn't her that saved the deposit.

The raw deal refers to me bickering over that legal amount not being fair and with hindsight it's the quabling over that that I regret. I feel I should've just paid for it.

I wasn't being selfish - I'd never not give someone money that they paid. And I don't think I'm being selfish now to be honest.

As posted above by me and others.. end of thread as I've concluded its a bad idea.

Thanks for helping me see sense everyone.

Please don't message to just attack me or call me selfish etc as it's pretty shit to read that when I'm trying to be considerate.

Saying I'm a dick is also harsh. "

Oh bloody hell isn't this sorted yet?!

The deal on the house is done, the op obviously still has feelings for his ex wife, a watch isn't the right way to go, donating money to charity would be the ops call, also giving cash to her would also be the ops call

Best route to go down would probably just be to get your balls in your hand and go and confess your burning, undying love for the woman!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Out of interest, why do so many people feel that a 30 year old woman who's been off travelling for the past however many years (this appears to be the explanation for why she's skint, rather than any sob story) is "entitled" to a bigger share of a deposit she didn't contribute to, from a house they shared for only 2 years? We're not talking about some woman cast aside after 30 years of marriage with no earning potential.

I'd be a bit insulted if I was offered money in this scenario.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Ruby - there-in lies the problem.. as what's fair isn't what's always legal.

Fun seeker - 100% right, it is sorted. Maybe subconsciously I do have feelings thus my odd d*unken rational to want to buy her a gift.

I'm not saying whether I'll donate as I don't want to be accused of saying it to get laid (ridiculous).

Not going to do anything.

Thanks.

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