FabSwingers.com forum: Jokes

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Anyone got any new jokes... this is an oldie but I still think its funny

A couple are in bed and the man farts and says 1-0.

His wife then farts and shouts 1-1.

man farts again 2-1 .

Wife farts 2-2 she cries

Man farts again but follows through and shits the bed.

WTF did you do that for says the wife.

Half time says the husband change sides

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a catholic priest and a zit??? A least a zit will wait until your 13 too come on your face

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage.

The photon replies: "No, I’m travelling light."

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up, I was like OMg.

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

Masochist - "Hit me, Hit me!"

Sadist - "No!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.

He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."

The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

"Masochist - "Hit me, Hit me!"

Sadist - "No!""

Ah!

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist?

He got off on a technicality.

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By *unandbuckCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield

I saw two council workmen working their way along the street.

One was digging holes, the other following on behind filling them in again.

I asked what they were doing.

He said, normally there is three of us, but the guy who puts the trees in hasn't turned up today.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Masochist - "Hit me, Hit me!"

Sadist - "No!"

Ah!

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist?

He got off on a technicality."

People into auto-erotic asphyxiation eh? They want stringing up

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I saw two council workmen working their way along the street.

One was digging holes, the other following on behind filling them in again.

I asked what they were doing.

He said, normally there is three of us, but the guy who puts the trees in hasn't turned up today.

"
(

)

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Q: What do you call two crows on a branch?

A: Attempted murder.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Q... Is Google male or female?

A.... Female because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Maria went home happy telling her mum she earned £20 by climbing a tree, her mum responded "Maria they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied see mum I was smart, I took them off!

Sorry I'll get my coat

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By *unandbuckCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield

"Q... Is Google male or female?

A.... Female because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Maria went home happy telling her mum she earned £20 by climbing a tree, her mum responded "Maria they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied see mum I was smart, I took them off!

Sorry I'll get my coat

HaHa

You followed her example when bending over for a photo

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Q... Is Google male or female?

A.... Female because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Maria went home happy telling her mum she earned £20 by climbing a tree, her mum responded "Maria they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied see mum I was smart, I took them off!

Sorry I'll get my coat

HaHa

You followed her example when bending over for a photo

Of corse lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Word on the street is that six out of seven dwarfs are not happy

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By *icolerobbieCouple
over a year ago

walsall

"Word on the street is that six out of seven dwarfs are not happy"

Seven dwarves are all in bed feeling happy, he told them to stop so they all started to feel grumpy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Word on the street is that six out of seven dwarfs are not happy

Seven dwarves are all in bed feeling happy, he told them to stop so they all started to feel grumpy"

... Did grumpy kick off then?

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By *unandbuckCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield

"Q... Is Google male or female?

A.... Female because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Maria went home happy telling her mum she earned £20 by climbing a tree, her mum responded "Maria they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied see mum I was smart, I took them off!

Sorry I'll get my coat

HaHa

You followed her example when bending over for a photo

Of corse lol

Hmmm Our kind of girl

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

My clever friend said that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut in his face.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My clever friend said that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut in his face.

I shouldn't have laughed really but I like that.

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

"My clever friend said that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut in his face.

I shouldn't have laughed really but I like that. "

How about...

My friend said “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” So, I threw a dictionary at his face.

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By *ty31Man
over a year ago

NW London

Why doesn't viagra work on West Ham fans?

They only get hard when ten of their mates are standing behind them

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

We are much too glam for that

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By *unandbuckCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield

Careful ! Tina - ICFs top girl

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My clever friend said that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut in his face.

I shouldn't have laughed really but I like that.

How about...

My friend said “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” So, I threw a dictionary at his face.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hear about the Scottish woman who caught her husband wanking into a welly

She shouts "hey stop fuckin aboot!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A burglar is in a house...having away with computer and DVD when he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you". He freezes but after a couple of minutes silence he goes on about his work....again he hears "Jesus is watching you".

Again he stopping his tracks.....a pause and nothing....so he starts again. A third time he hears the voice repeating the same thing.

This time he puts the light on and sees a parrot. "Who said that" the burglar asks. "It was me, Moses." Says the parrot.

The burglar laughs and asks "what kind of people call a parrot Moses?"

The parrot replies....."The same kind that call their Rotweiller Jesus".....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A burglar is in a house...having away with computer and DVD when he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you". He freezes but after a couple of minutes silence he goes on about his work....again he hears "Jesus is watching you".

Again he stopping his tracks.....a pause and nothing....so he starts again. A third time he hears the voice repeating the same thing.

This time he puts the light on and sees a parrot. "Who said that" the burglar asks. "It was me, Moses." Says the parrot.

The burglar laughs and asks "what kind of people call a parrot Moses?"

The parrot replies....."The same kind that call their Rotweiller Jesus"....."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

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By *am88Woman
over a year ago

cardiff

What do you call a bear with no father?

Rupert the bastard....

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

My wife died three years ago when a delivery driver for Heinz ran a red light and ploughed into her car.

Since that day, I've never been able to eat that particular brand of soup. It just dribbles out the sides of my grin..

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

"It's times like these I wish we lived abroad." I said to my wife staring out of the front window.

"Yeah, the weathers SHIT isn't it?" She replied.

"Not the weather," I said. "Your mother's coming up the fucking drive!"

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By *ot40sCouple
over a year ago

birmingham

"I saw two council workmen working their way along the street.

One was digging holes, the other following on behind filling them in again.

I asked what they were doing.

He said, normally there is three of us, but the guy who puts the trees in hasn't turned up today.

I will probably get shot but did you miss the irish bit out of your joke lol !!

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By *unandbuckCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield

Mickey Mouse is in the divorce lawyers.

"I'm sorry Mickey, but you can't divorce Minnie just because she's got buck teeth"

"I didn't say that, I said it's because she's fucking goofy"

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Yesterday my boss told me, "Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want."

Today when I turned up at the office dressed like a Ghostbuster he told me I was fired.

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

A man wakes up after an operation on his knee and a trainee nurse happens by and comes to check on him.

Still a little drowsy, he beckons the nurse over:

"Excuse me nurse, are my testicles black?"

"I don't know, but I'm pretty sure they're not" replied the nurse.

The man, now looking a little uncomfortable, asks "Please, can you check if my testicles are black? I would really like to know."

Not quite sure what to do, the nurse lifts up the bed sheet, checks his left testicle and then checks his right testicle. Both appear to be completely normal. She then replaces the bed sheet and says with a smile:

"Your testicles look fine to me, sir".

"Thank you" the man replies. "Now, come here and listen very carefully. ARE...MY...TEST...RESULTS...BACK?"

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By *pacecoastersCouple
over a year ago

Cocoa Beach

A pretty young Nurse strides down the hall of a Retirement Home. She spots an elderly Gentleman of 90 years strolling with the help of a walking cane.

"Excuse me Mr. Smith" she asks. "Could you help me for a moment. In our classes, we've been studying a new technique which I'm trying to perfect for my exams"

"Of course Nurse Goodbody, I'd be delighted to help you, what do I need to do"?

"Well" the young Nurse stumbles uncomfortably, "it's a new technique, I'm actually training to assess your age by manually fondling your testicles. Would you be willing to see how accurate I am"?

Mr Smith scratches his chin & nods in the affirmative.

Nurse Goodbody expertly unzips his trousers & gently takes his balls, rolling them in her fingers & gives them a slight squeeze, all to the gentleman's delight.

Placing his testicles back inside his trousers & zipping him securely, she steps back & ponders the diagnosis.

" After the initial examination, I can assuredly determine, you're 90 years old" she confidently exclaims.

"That's amazing" Mr. Smith is dumbfounded! "How did you do that? How did you know"?

Nurse Goodbody was smiling proudly, "Ah, it was easy, you told me yesterday".

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By *weet DevilMan
over a year ago

dukinfield

i have just used poppers for the first time ..............take my advice !! took me fucking ages to pick up all those little bits of paper !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 28/09/16 23:53:50]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If a man talks dirty to a woman, its called sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be £2.50p a minute lol.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's the difference between a catholic priest and a zit??? A least a zit will wait until your 13 too come on your face "

I was walking In Belfast when a car came round the corner and hit a young lad leaving him unconscious ,a woman screamed out 'somebody send for the priest' and a man shouted back 'for fucks sake he's nearly dying I think sex will be the last thing on his mind'

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By *igjrvMan
over a year ago

blackwood

Why did the deaf dumb and blind woman's dog commit suicide?

Wouldn't you with a name like thumpthlumpthus

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

From an up and coming comedian called Phil Pagett:

Advice to Porn Directors:

Always leave them wanking more

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy and Mary decide to try a 69, Paddy's never done one before so Mary say's she will show him how. She tells him to lay on the floor and squats over him. As she lowers herself onto his face she farts. Apologizing she tries again but farts again. Paddy jumps up and storms off yelling "I'll be fucked if i'm hanging around for 67 more of them.

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By *avina Loves CockTV/TS
over a year ago

Tarporley

In the Japanese look alike contest everybody won.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 pieces of vomit walking down the street . One starts crying . What's up mate

Oh nothing just get a bit emotional because I was brought up down here

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"2 pieces of vomit walking down the street . One starts crying . What's up mate

Oh nothing just get a bit emotional because I was brought up down here

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By *ellblessMan
over a year ago

Berkshire

Why is 6 afraid of 7...because 7,8,9

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By *orwegian BlueMan
over a year ago

Iceland, but Aldi is closer..

What's the definition of propaganda?

A cockney 'avin a real good look.

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"What's the definition of propaganda?

A cockney 'avin a real good look."

A phonetic definition of the word countryside - the assassination of Donald Trump

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.

He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."

The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says ... and disappears.

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

I was buying some condoms from Morrisons earlier.

The cashier asked if I would like a bag.

"Nah" I replied, "she's not that fucking ugly".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A lady with small breasts suggests to her husband that they dip into the savings for a breast enlargement procedure.

"How much is it?" He asks.

"Only three thousand pounds" she replies.

He leaves the room and returns after a moment.

He presents his wife with two folded sheets of toilet paper and tells her to rub the paper between her breasts every morning.

If she does, he tells her, her breasts will grow bigger everyday.

"How is that going to work?!" She demands.

He shrugged and answered "I don't know but it worked on your arse"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two Men Were Talking.....

"So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex"

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a woman with PMT and an American pitbull terrier?

Lipstick.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Doctors misdiagnosed my ex with tourettes recently.......turns out I am a cunt and she did want me to fuck off.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy goes to the doctors with burnt feet the doctor asks "paddy how did you burn your feet?" Paddy replies "cooking peas doc" the doctor looks puzzled and asks " how can you burn your feet cooking peas?" Paddy replies "well doc on the can it said to cook stand in boiling water for ten minutes"

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By *eesideMan
over a year ago

margate sumwear by the sea

BLOND JOKE

IF U DONT LIKE BLOND JOKS DONT REED IT !

so this blond hot lady bords a plan to the U.S.A and sits in 1st Clars seets.

The sturdess ses im sorrey madom you can't sit hear as you only have a 2nd clars tikit.

The ladey ses im blond im buterfall and im sitting hear.

The sturdess ses im sorrey but u cant sit hear its not for 2nd clars tikits and you have to move.

The ladey ses im blond and buterfall and im not moving till this plan gets to the U.S.A

the sturdess then gos to the pilout and explans wots going on.

The pilout ses don't worry my wife is blond I no how to handall this.

So the pilout gos to the ladey and quitley ses sumthing in to har ear then all of a suddon the ladey gets up and gos to sit in 2nd clars.

The sturdess ses to the pilout wot did you say ?

The pilout sed.......

I sed that 1st clars seets don't go to the U.S.A

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did a blonde type that for you?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Did a blonde type that for you?"

he is dyslecsic mate

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

dyslexic*

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By *eesideMan
over a year ago

margate sumwear by the sea

"Did a blonde type that for you?"

No im just dyslexic....look it up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the dyslexic whore? She opened a warehouse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mate brought viagra eye drops off the internet. It did nothing for his sex life but it made him look hard

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Im selling all my dogging gear on eBay.

I haven't got any bids yet but i have 10 people watching!

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By *eesideMan
over a year ago

margate sumwear by the sea

"Did you hear about the dyslexic whore? She opened a warehouse "

is that even a joke ??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

He stayed awake all night wondering if there is a dog.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"BLOND JOKE

IF U DONT LIKE BLOND JOKS DONT REED IT !

so this blond hot lady bords a plan to the U.S.A and sits in 1st Clars seets.

The sturdess ses im sorrey madom you can't sit hear as you only have a 2nd clars tikit.

The ladey ses im blond im buterfall and im sitting hear.

The sturdess ses im sorrey but u cant sit hear its not for 2nd clars tikits and you have to move.

The ladey ses im blond and buterfall and im not moving till this plan gets to the U.S.A

the sturdess then gos to the pilout and explans wots going on.

The pilout ses don't worry my wife is blond I no how to handall this.

So the pilout gos to the ladey and quitley ses sumthing in to har ear then all of a suddon the ladey gets up and gos to sit in 2nd clars.

The sturdess ses to the pilout wot did you say ?

The pilout sed.......

I sed that 1st clars seets don't go to the U.S.A

I'm severely dyslexic - super that you contributed and it was easy to read, understand and FUNNY X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Did you hear about the dyslexic whore? She opened a warehouse

is that even a joke ??"

Yes, Google verified known old joke

How's that bitter funsuckin victim thing working out for you? Good?

https://www.google.co.uk/search?client=safari&channel=iphone_bm&ei=R_zuV_zMD8XAgAb_7YL4Bg&q=dyslexic+opened+warehouse+&oq=dyslexic+opened+warehouse+&gs_l=mobile-gws-serp.12...12459.34644.0.36089.14.14.0.0.0.0.104.1209.13j1.14.0....0...1c.1.64.mobile-gws-serp..0.6.565...30i10k1.Afr3w16HsXk

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

the dislexic satanist

sold his soul to Santa

Snow white & Cinderella have been thrown out of Disneyland

they where found to be sitting on Pinnochio's

face singing tell me lies tell me sweet little lies.

what is the difference between a Policemans batton & a magicians wand

one is used for cunning stunts

The other ?

My uncle was a great inspiration to me & I always remember the last words he spoke to me crossing the road

Oh Fuck a Bus

What do you call a Scotsman in the second round of the football world cup

A Referee

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

took girl back to parents house and I was in bed with her.she was moaning loudly.shhhh I said u will wake my mum .havnt I got ur own room and bed she asked

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 01/10/16 04:31:28]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

my mate Dave told me he woke up to a hard cock this morning. well change cells I replied.now Dave's got mine and I have his sighhhh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

my mate Dave got 775 Valentine's cards this year.fuck knows how they got under the cell door

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my father.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

(The great Bob Monkhouse)

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By *am-RaiderMan
over a year ago

Corby

"Q: What do you call two crows on a branch?

A: Attempted murder."

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By *am-RaiderMan
over a year ago

Corby

"What's brown and sticky?

A stick

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you get after having sex every day from Monday to Friday???

A weak end!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hear about the Scottish woman who caught her husband wanking into a welly

She shouts "hey stop fuckin aboot!"

(Nessa )

Hee hee.... aken.

(I liked that one)

Kisses

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"my mate Dave got 775 Valentine's cards this year.fuck knows how they got under the cell door "
don't give up your day job Frankie Boyle has nothing to worry about.

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By *igjrvMan
over a year ago

blackwood

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper sold his soul to santa

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 04/10/16 13:01:34]

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By *amissCouple
over a year ago

chelmsford

"BLOND JOKE

IF U DONT LIKE BLOND JOKS DONT REED IT !

so this blond hot lady bords a plan to the U.S.A and sits in 1st Clars seets.

The sturdess ses im sorrey madom you can't sit hear as you only have a 2nd clars tikit.

The ladey ses im blond im buterfall and im sitting hear.

The sturdess ses im sorrey but u cant sit hear its not for 2nd clars tikits and you have to move.

The ladey ses im blond and buterfall and im not moving till this plan gets to the U.S.A

the sturdess then gos to the pilout and explans wots going on.

The pilout ses don't worry my wife is blond I no how to handall this.

So the pilout gos to the ladey and quitley ses sumthing in to har ear then all of a suddon the ladey gets up and gos to sit in 2nd clars.

The sturdess ses to the pilout wot did you say ?

The pilout sed.......

I sed that 1st clars seets don't go to the U.S.A

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By *retty_damagedCouple
over a year ago

coventry

"When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up, I was like OMg.

Love it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards, they would still be in the boat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Did you hear about the dyslexic whore? She opened a warehouse "

Did you hear about the blind whore? You've got to hand it to her.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Did you hear about the dyslexic whore? She opened a warehouse

Did you hear about the blind whore? You've got to hand it to her."

Did you hear about the deaf whore? No, neither did she.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

GNAB

That's bang out of order.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That's fucked up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My first job as a young lad was in a chemist, on the till. On my first day my first customer was an attractive milf. She came up to the till with just a packet of tampons. I went red, the most embarrassed and bumbling sale ever!

After a few months I had got over my terrible start and had settled in to the job with confidence.

One day the same milf came up to the till with a packet of cotton wool.

'Ah' I said, 'I see you're rolling your own these days'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There's a gang going through our town systematically stealing clothes in size order...

The police think they're still at large.

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By *arksMan
over a year ago

in the centre

Husband and wife shopping and the husband picks up a 20 pack of lager for a tenner , the wife immediately tells him to put it back as they can't afford it. A bit further round the supermarket she stops and picks up make up and face cream totalling 30 quid " what's that for " he asks. " it makes me look younger and prettier " she replied. Well in that case he said I'll get the lager , it's 20 quid cheaper and does exactly the same thing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw a guy stacking shelves in Tesco complaining because the top shelf was broken, and he couldn't keep it up.

I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw a slide for sale on ebay, it was 85 degrees and seller wanted £1000.

That's a bit steep.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was tripping on mushrooms this morning.....

Don't they have cleaners in Asda?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 04/10/16 15:17:15]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 04/10/16 15:17:19]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just had a water fight in the park with a load of kids.

I won!!!

Nobody's a match with me & my kettle.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A couple of days ago I ate three lipsticks & some mascara and haven't crapped since.

You really cant shit this make up.

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By *orwegian BlueMan
over a year ago

Iceland, but Aldi is closer..

A penguin is on holiday in the desert when steam starts to pour out of his car engine.. He makes it to a garage and the mechanic says it'll take half an hour to find the problem..

The penguin decides to cool off and gets an ice cream, being so hot he ends up in a right mess with ice cream all around his face.

When the half an hour is up, he goes and finds the mechanic.. "what's up with the car?"..

"looks like you've blown a seal" says the mechanic

"no I haven't" replies the penguin, "it's just icecream"

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