FabSwingers.com forum: Is the internet a poor way to socialise and meet people?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I've been wondering this for a while now. When I started social networking around 10 years ago, I saw it as a great outlet for guys like me, those who are perhaps a bit different (Autism in my case, though I didn't know I had it at the time), lacking in social confidence, and a nice way to slowly ease myself into learning how to interact effectively with others, as you can approach more steadily from a distance, give people a little time to get to know you, and vice versa.

Sadly though, this is where I've come to find, certainly recently, that pitching your personality through the filter of the internet is a double edged sword, which can work very much against a person like me. On one hand, a strong distinctive personality can be very good for getting peoples attention, it makes you stand out, be more memorable, perhaps a bit rarer than the 'average', and they may even begin to like and value you based upon that.

On the other hand though, that same intensity, whilst a good way to be heard in the crammed and noisy cyber space, lacks in subtly, and doesn't highlight all the myriad minor details which go into making a person, body language, face expressions, vocal inflections, the company they keep, and of course, time and experience in truly knowing them and who they are.

I've found recently that this seems to be working against me. I can see how my intensity can be worrying for some, particularly those I'm drawn to, when I voice my affections, *I* see them as confessions of the excitement and intrigue someone instils in me, what makes me feel GOOD about them, and my desire to get closer, *I* imagine they'd love to hear these things.

But without a proper understanding of who I am, and where I'm coming from, these confessions can sound rather frightening and obsessive (I make no secret of my OCD either), perhaps someone it'd be better to sever contact with before things go too far.

It's not just the direct statements of affection either, I often wonder how people might interpret some of the stronger, more opinionated views I voice, I've noticed on many of my deeper threads, people immediately taking offence to a topic I've raised, without trying to properly understand what I'm saying and why - then of course, my own personal frustrations set in, my intensity rises, and it simply confirms to others in the their minds that I WAS trying to be confrontational and aggressive from the get go.

Does anyone else ever think this deeply about how they're perceived by others, and why? Do we really know those around us that well, or do we simply jump to conclusions based upon the fragmented and incomplete knowledge of a person that the social network provides us with, hence why ultimately, it's a highly flawed social tool?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think you are over-thinking things and need to go outside and meet some people x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To answer your question.. I don't think (in my view) that the Internet is a poor way to socialise and meet people.

I think it's one way of socialising and meeting people and that it's becoming more standard.

People vary in terms of how much they think about others view of them and how that affects them.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think you are over-thinking things and need to go outside and meet some people x"

See what I mean?

I mentioned the social anxieties I had a decade ago, and you assume that in the meantime, I haven't made multiple attempts to integrate into the 'real' world, some successful, many not - it's the reason why I'm still here. If I had the healthy, active social life I've often longed for, I wouldn't use Fab - and I imagine this is no different for a vast number of people on here.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think the Internet has been a great way to socialise and meet people.

If there's hadn't been an Internet, I wouldn't have met Mrs N 14 years ago.

While it has been a revelation in the way we communicate and socialise, I think there has to be a good balance between what goes on in your virtual world and actually getting out to socialise with people for real.

We're a social species and need that human contact/interactions that come with being with other humans. We have to be careful not to become completely detached from reality by spending our entire social lives staring at a screen.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think it's one way of socialising and meeting people and that it's becoming more standard."

Do you not think that's inherently unhealthy though? Sure, the internet gives you a 'chance' to work off some of your awkwardness and steadily build yourself up, but it'll only take you so far, just as a packet of crisps may take the edge off your hunger, but is a poor nutritional substitute for a proper meal.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd say take dance lessons...you'd be surprised how many birds go..atleast you cantthen shake ya arse on a dance floor...girls love that kinda confidence innit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think you are over-thinking things and need to go outside and meet some people x

See what I mean?

true, that last paragraph. i use the internet because i can't just go out whenever i want to.

i think IM or chat/cam apps are good for socialising, you can have proper interaction with people.

one thing that frustrates me is you can find people that are nowhere near for you to actually meet with and really get on with them and it's so frustrating.

it's also a lot easier to be a predator or shady on the internet.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it can be terrible for people for struggle with social interaction in some scenarios - such as this site - which is all about meeting for a specific purpose and not so much about getting to know people for the sake for it.

Other means of using the internet like Meet Up, or more hobby/activity based groups are more positive.

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By *carlet_heavenWoman
over a year ago

somewhere in the sticks

In my experience 'the internet' & the real world are incomparable- full stop.

I'm aware that a lot of people don't experience such a huge difference from behaviour on the internet to that in real life, but I do.

I find people's behaviour online (speaking generally) bizarre & inexplicable. I would never use it as a substitute for getting out & meeting people in the real world, although, I accept its not easy for everyone to do that-including myself for one reason or another.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think you are over-thinking things and need to go outside and meet some people x

See what I mean? I mentioned the social anxieties I had a decade ago, and ..."

I dont see what you mean. I think that although not put very well, the poster was suggesting that there is a place for both internet AND real life socialisation. The real life bit should teach boundaried of how far you can go more than the internet - you cant see the non verbal clues a person gives out over the internet so while you might think something is ok to say, you cant gague this until a person blocks you or just doesnt communicate any more.

Perhaps youshould take things back a notch and not get so intense to quicly. People come here for a little fun and see what happens - not a confession of how you feel about a person.

Im sorry if this sounds harsh - its just how I perceve (I cant spell that word) what you are saying and how I would go about things.

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By *abioMan
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

i don't think meeting people off t'internet is really any different to meeting people elsewhere in that you need some sort of social skills in the end to make it work... whether that is written social or verbal social (as use to be the case with the old party chatlines... don't give that that dirty look!!!) or face to face communicating which we all have to do eventually anyway....

some are stronger than others... and you can make up for some skills better than others....

it can't be a bad thing otherwise for example online dating wouldn't work.... it does give you an oppotunity to speak to people you wouldn't normally have the chance to interact with... and that is not a bad thing

sometimes people just over analyise everything... sometimes you just have to say "it is what it is" as opposed to debating why?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think it can be terrible for people for struggle with social interaction in some scenarios - such as this site - which is all about meeting for a specific purpose and not so much about getting to know people for the sake for it."

True, but that specific purpose still requires a decent degree of feeling you know a person well enough to trust them. Strings or not, sex is an inherently intimate and personal act.

"I'd say take dance lessons...you'd be surprised how many birds go..atleast you cantthen shake ya arse on a dance floor...girls love that kinda confidence innit

I would actually consider this, but I am NOT a natural dancer, I'm a big, awkward, clumsy guy with the grace of a slug. I do however really enjoy singing, and continue to seek ways I can use it as a social tool.

"sometimes people just over analyise everything... sometimes you just have to say "it is what it is" as opposed to debating why?"

Because sometimes, if something seems inherently flawed, then you have to look into it, to see if it can be tweaked, changed or fixed - mankind would not have come very far if we'd all simply adopted the 'it is what it is, c'est la vie' attitude.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm painfully shy and striking up a conversation and making new friends is very difficult for me in the real world. I come across as reserved and unsociable, which I don't mean to be and which I'm not, not really.

The Internet has helped me meet people who I otherwise wouldn't, and that's not a bad thing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think you are over-thinking things and need to go outside and meet some people x

See what I mean?

I didn't assume anything. I read your post and responded. Again- over thinking.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm painfully shy and striking up a conversation and making new friends is very difficult for me in the real world. I come across as reserved and unsociable, which I don't mean to be and which I'm not, not really.

The Internet has helped me meet people who I otherwise wouldn't, and that's not a bad thing.

I feel the same way, but have your interactions on here improved your social abilities offline too, and if so, by how much?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think you are over-thinking things and need to go outside and meet some people x

See what I mean?

I didn't assume anything. I read your post and responded. Again- over thinking. "

I understand your original response was meant with kindness, so please don't think my response was intended as being rude - if it came across that way, it furthers my point about the inherent difficulty of effective social interactions online.

Many people accuse me of over thinking - personally, I think most people under think.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Other means of using the internet like Meet Up, or more hobby/activity based groups are more positive. "

Totally agree. The tension and frustration on here is palpable. Also using the forums highlights the 2 extremes: people we have a lot in common with but no sexual attraction. And then the sexual attraction but nothing in common. Might not be an issue for some but is for us.

We might see people on here who we think, they seem cool, but the 'sex site' thing gets in the way. There isn't the same type of drama in the gaming and autism related sites I sometimes use.

Think I might stick to the purely swinging related posts in future.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would say that the Internet is a dangerous trap for anyone with poor social skills, it can only make things worse by creating a character you fail to measure up to in real life.

OP this is probably a misinterpretation, but reading your posts on this thread you come across as viewing social interaction as the goal. It is a long way from the truth, your aim should be to carry out activities for the pleasure of the activity e.g. singing, Social interaction becomes a side effect of something that already makes you feel good.

So get offline, and go and sing, take singing lessons, join a choir, attend open mic nights in local pubs etc. by enjoying yourself you will become visible and attractive socially.

If the actions of others are your mark of success your confidence will take knock after knock in an uncontrollable environment, if that mark of success is nailing the top and bottom notes and belting out a song, you are in charge and you can improve it, which will allow your confidence to grow.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I would say that the Internet is a dangerous trap for anyone with poor social skills, it can only make things worse by creating a character you fail to measure up to in real life.

So get offline, and go and sing, take singing lessons, join a choir, attend open mic nights in local pubs etc. by enjoying yourself you will become visible and attractive socially.

Well said.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I would say that the Internet is a dangerous trap for anyone with poor social skills, it can only make things worse by creating a character you fail to measure up to in real life.

So get offline, and go and sing, take singing lessons, join a choir, attend open mic nights in local pubs etc. by enjoying yourself you will become visible and attractive socially.

Well said.

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By *ENDAROOSCouple
over a year ago

South West London / Surrey

Using the internet has actually helped me in some ways.

Its helped me alot with my shyness and confidence in speaking to new people.

I'm not half as bad as I used to be.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

The internet should never be the only way anyone socialises.

Relying solely on the internet for anything, be it sex, social interaction, finding friends or even directions or accurate information is likely to lead to an unfulfilled life.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Is the internet a poor way to socialise and meet people?

Just on the title not your post (TL;DR), no.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Is the internet a poor way to socialise and meet people?

Just on the title not your post (TL;DR), no. "

But, is it a poor way to socialise without meeting? Yes.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

I think if it was the only way to socialise then it would be poor. There are two things here - in general and for the op.

Of it's used as an initial way to contact and get to know others, as a filtering tool - to sort good from poor matches and as a tool to sustain relationships, then it is valuable.

People bring their biases along, so will misunderstand, impose their own needs and issues as well as be influenced by some anonymity and distance, when interacting. A lot of this happens in real life.

What's good for the op? People who will pretty much accept you unconditionally, understanding you and respectful of you. The internet may help somewhat but I think it would be great to be meeting in person too. You'd be able to ask more, to question someone in real time. A lot of people, myself included, in Fab like and value you. We've largely achieved this via the internet - so you've probably shown that you're able to gain from it.

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