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Putting parents into care

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

The thread on having children has a comment on putting parents into care, or not. Rather than hijack that one I'm starting this.

I put my mother into care and I'm unapologetic about it. Looking after someone with violent dementia almost killed me and I wasn't doing it as primary carer! My earnings dropped by 70% and sorting out who did what when took up time and energy none of us and led to arguments.

Yet making this sensible choice as a family means getting slated as selfish and uncaring. As the child without children I am told I have failed in my duty as a daughter and should repay the (perceived) sacrifices my mother made for me.

This is said by people who have no idea what my mother was like as a mother to me who also assume that we can all afford to give up work and would willingly sacrifice protecting our sanity and ability to have a retirement.

Those who do make the sacrifice do it for their own reasons. I applaud them for doing what they consider is right. They get sympathy, praise and undoubtedly they save us tax payers money.

Why the judgements either way?

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

Only you can let things people say affect you. If your happy in your decision dont let it affect you.

Thankfully i have sat down and discussed things with my mother so im 100% know all her wishes.

I had to make the decision to turn my dads life machine off. Im glad i did some people go when i say it.

Plus i do everything in the here and now with my mum.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My Mothers in care at a relatively young age and it's simply a matter of what's best for her.

I don't care what people think. In terms of the level of care she needs and deserves its something I can't match.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"The thread on having children has a comment on putting parents into care, or not. Rather than hijack that one I'm starting this.

I put my mother into care and I'm unapologetic about it. Looking after someone with violent dementia almost killed me and I wasn't doing it as primary carer! My earnings dropped by 70% and sorting out who did what when took up time and energy none of us and led to arguments.

Yet making this sensible choice as a family means getting slated as selfish and uncaring. As the child without children I am told I have failed in my duty as a daughter and should repay the (perceived) sacrifices my mother made for me.

This is said by people who have no idea what my mother was like as a mother to me who also assume that we can all afford to give up work and would willingly sacrifice protecting our sanity and ability to have a retirement.

Those who do make the sacrifice do it for their own reasons. I applaud them for doing what they consider is right. They get sympathy, praise and undoubtedly they save us tax payers money.

Why the judgements either way?"

Nobody knows your situation but you.

It's easy to slate people for their choices but never quite so clear cut when you're faced with a difficult decision yourself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The thread on having children has a comment on putting parents into care, or not. Rather than hijack that one I'm starting this.

I put my mother into care and I'm unapologetic about it. Looking after someone with violent dementia almost killed me and I wasn't doing it as primary carer! My earnings dropped by 70% and sorting out who did what when took up time and energy none of us and led to arguments.

Yet making this sensible choice as a family means getting slated as selfish and uncaring. As the child without children I am told I have failed in my duty as a daughter and should repay the (perceived) sacrifices my mother made for me.

This is said by people who have no idea what my mother was like as a mother to me who also assume that we can all afford to give up work and would willingly sacrifice protecting our sanity and ability to have a retirement.

Those who do make the sacrifice do it for their own reasons. I applaud them for doing what they consider is right. They get sympathy, praise and undoubtedly they save us tax payers money.

Why the judgements either way?"

People should mind their own beeswax, don't worry about people's opinions, you have done what you feel is best for you and mother. It's not easy being a carer.x

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By *orkie321bWoman
over a year ago

Nottingham

I would never criticise anyone for putting a relative into a care home. Many illnesses are very challenging and we just don't have the skills to care ourselves. It is ok to say "i cant do it" and look for professional help, be it at home or in a residential environment.

My grandfather spent his last 18 months in a care home and we were very careful to find the right place for him. The care home gave him a quality of life and dignity that we couldn't possibly have done ourselves. The care staff were amazing, it wasn't just a job for them, it was a vocation.

When grandad passed away several care staff came to his funeral and shed just as many tears as we did.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I cared for my dad for five years which was hard,now i care for mum and yes its hard as she has had a spinal stroke and can no longer walk,i refuse to put her in a home,shes staying with me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am facing this decision right now. With two siblings who will not share any of the caring and left down to me I'm finding it too much now. It's like I'm a prisoner in the house. Social services are slow at sorting out caters to come and help me and I'm struggling to find people who will sit with mum so I can have a short break if only one afternoon a week just to have me time. But because I'm considering putting her into care all of a sudden I'm the bad person. How do you work that one out, I was the one who gave up a good job, a relationship my home sacrificed family time with my child to care full time for mum. I just want a life now and to live a little but I'm the bad person,

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By *orkie321bWoman
over a year ago

Nottingham


"I am facing this decision right now. With two siblings who will not share any of the caring and left down to me I'm finding it too much now. It's like I'm a prisoner in the house. Social services are slow at sorting out caters to come and help me and I'm struggling to find people who will sit with mum so I can have a short break if only one afternoon a week just to have me time. But because I'm considering putting her into care all of a sudden I'm the bad person. How do you work that one out, I was the one who gave up a good job, a relationship my home sacrificed family time with my child to care full time for mum. I just want a life now and to live a little but I'm the bad person,"

My siblings are the same. I care for my mum although her needs are not too complex yet. Because i am the only one who isn't married or have children i had to sacrifice my life while they just get on with theirs. All they do is criticize and complain about how i look after mum and expect me to wait on them if they deign to visit. It is the cause of arguments between us now but unless they are prepared to step up and do their fair share they can fuck off

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I haven't seen my parents for many, many years so luckily its not a decision I'll ever have to make

When I get old I have made it clear I want going in a home, I have three children but there is no way I want them looking after me when I'm old, that's not their job, its not why I had them, I want them to live their life not put it on hold to care for me, even if they say they don't mind caring for me I still won't have them doing it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think people need to look after themselves more and try not to worry about what other people think. Even if the people bitching are family members just tell them to fuck off and do what's right for you.

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By *orkie321bWoman
over a year ago

Nottingham


"I think people need to look after themselves more and try not to worry about what other people think. Even if the people bitching are family members just tell them to fuck off and do what's right for you.

"

That's what i started doing lol

It doesn't go down too well, especially with the eldest sibling, when i tell them to wind their fucking neck in.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i work in a specialist care home for very severe dementia sufferers - alongside people brain injury and emi - the families are often at the end of their tethers and they have had to fight for funding/places/ all sorts of help for their family member - some residents require 3 or 4 members of staff to do basic personal care and those that say they will do it themselves whatever might just change their minds when their parent is so upset that they fight against anything and everything - hate to use the word aggression even though that is how it might appear - its more fear

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've been a carer for a severely disabled person from the age of 25 to 35. I had a family and it was hard work. I've always said I would look after my mother or any other family member if needed but,as I get older,I'm realising how difficult that would be now. You can't always put your life on hold or give the kind of care someone needs.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think people need to look after themselves more and try not to worry about what other people think. Even if the people bitching are family members just tell them to fuck off and do what's right for you.

That's what i started doing lol

It doesn't go down too well, especially with the eldest sibling, when i tell them to wind their fucking neck in.

"

Pack your mum's bags,tell her you're taking her on a little trip and drop her off to your siblings.

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By *ficouldMan
over a year ago

a quandary, could you change my mind?

In the ideal world, we would be able to look after family members from birth to death, with all family members playing their part of the caring structure.

This world is not ideal, life is not ideal, we all have to do what is right in our hearts both for the person (and not forgetting also ourselves and our immediate closest family as it takes its toll on all). Its a majorly hard decision to make. Just because the person is in care doesn't mean life stops for them, doesn't mean we love them less, means when we do go and see them we are able to love them again and more.

I often find the 'selfish' ones that wouldn't help out with the care even a hour,a day each month or even year are the ones to cast the first disapproving comment.

Hat off to all the carers out there, who have the ability to do this and if you also have to make the choice don't listen to the negative toxic remarks.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I wander

don’t tell me to come and sit down.

Wander with me.

It may be because I am hungry, thirsty, need the toilet.

Or maybe I just need to stretch my legs.

When I call for my mother

(even though I’m ninety!)

don’t tell me she has died.

Reassure me, cuddle me, ask me about her.

It may be that I am looking for the security

that my mother once gave me.

When I shout out

please don’t ask me to be quiet…or walk by.

I am trying to tell you something,

but have difficulty in telling you what.

Be patient. Try to find out.

I may be in pain.

When I become agitated or appear angry,

please don’t reach for the drugs first.

I am trying to tell you something.

It may be too hot, too bright, too noisy.

Or maybe it’s because I miss my loved ones.

Try to find out first.

When I don’t eat my dinner or drink my tea

it may be because I’ve forgotten how to.

Show me what to do, remind me.

It may be that I just need to hold my knife and fork

I may know what to do then.

When I push you away

while you’re trying to help me wash or get dressed,

maybe it’s because I have forgotten what you have said.

Keep telling me what you are doing

over and over and over.

Maybe others will think

you’re the one that needs the help!

With all my thoughts and maybes,

perhaps it will be you

who reaches my thoughts,

understands my fears,

and will make me feel safe.

Maybe it will be you

who I need to thank.

If only I knew how.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think people need to look after themselves more and try not to worry about what other people think. Even if the people bitching are family members just tell them to fuck off and do what's right for you.

That's what i started doing lol

It doesn't go down too well, especially with the eldest sibling, when i tell them to wind their fucking neck in.

"

Good for you!! xx

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By *om and JennieCouple
over a year ago

Chams or Socials

I have made it clear to all my parents that if there comes a time when residential care is needed then they shall go. I shall ensure it meets there needs, is clean with good staff etc..

Physically I will not be of much use to them so it will be best for them. I refuse to be made to feel guilty for that decision.

None of them are 60 yet & I've told them to live their lives now, go everywhere they want & spend their money.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The thread on having children has a comment on putting parents into care, or not. Rather than hijack that one I'm starting this.

I put my mother into care and I'm unapologetic about it. Looking after someone with violent dementia almost killed me and I wasn't doing it as primary carer! My earnings dropped by 70% and sorting out who did what when took up time and energy none of us and led to arguments.

Yet making this sensible choice as a family means getting slated as selfish and uncaring. As the child without children I am told I have failed in my duty as a daughter and should repay the (perceived) sacrifices my mother made for me.

This is said by people who have no idea what my mother was like as a mother to me who also assume that we can all afford to give up work and would willingly sacrifice protecting our sanity and ability to have a retirement.

Those who do make the sacrifice do it for their own reasons. I applaud them for doing what they consider is right. They get sympathy, praise and undoubtedly they save us tax payers money.

Why the judgements either way?"
I don't think judgements help. As with everything in this world..some people are lazy...some commit to help...and most fall somewhere in between. I personally spent a lot of time caring for my mum who had severe dementia and acted very aggressively at times though I had live in carers mostly so I was not always front line. It is extremely tough and not for everyone. Whilst it was not the reason it was certainly a contributing factor that ended my marriage. All I know is I did what I could to help my mum and I certainly did not always did the right thing. Each situation is different and each family's response is different. From my experience...sadly there are many families that really just bung the old girl in a home and expect the state to sort it. They live locally and visit once a month. Shame on them...but there are many that do a lot and what they can and that is to be applauded. It is not what others think...it is really about what you felt about your efforts that count.

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By *etter the devil you knowWoman
over a year ago

Lyndhurst

It must be awful for you, i dont know how i would cope, i dont think its wrong that your mother is in a home. The only thing i would worry about is if my mother would be treated alright in a home as you hear so much about elderly people in homes being abused. I think you can only try looking after your parents but if you cant cope then thats the way it is.

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"My Mothers in care at a relatively young age and it's simply a matter of what's best for her.

I don't care what people think. In terms of the level of care she needs and deserves its something I can't match.

"

My mother is in a fantastic home. Only 9 of them on each floor (only 3 floors) and always three people on duty on every floor. It's clean and the food looks and smells nice. She has days out and each resident has a pamper day once a month.

It's much more than I could offer her.

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"The thread on having children has a comment on putting parents into care, or not. Rather than hijack that one I'm starting this.

I put my mother into care and I'm unapologetic about it. Looking after someone with violent dementia almost killed me and I wasn't doing it as primary carer! My earnings dropped by 70% and sorting out who did what when took up time and energy none of us and led to arguments.

Yet making this sensible choice as a family means getting slated as selfish and uncaring. As the child without children I am told I have failed in my duty as a daughter and should repay the (perceived) sacrifices my mother made for me.

This is said by people who have no idea what my mother was like as a mother to me who also assume that we can all afford to give up work and would willingly sacrifice protecting our sanity and ability to have a retirement.

Those who do make the sacrifice do it for their own reasons. I applaud them for doing what they consider is right. They get sympathy, praise and undoubtedly they save us tax payers money.

Why the judgements either way?

Nobody knows your situation but you.

It's easy to slate people for their choices but never quite so clear cut when you're faced with a difficult decision yourself."

Quite. What people say doesn't affect me - I know what our choices were and why we made them. It was just seeing the comment on the other thread made me think about why people make such immediate judgments about this issue.

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"I would never criticise anyone for putting a relative into a care home. Many illnesses are very challenging and we just don't have the skills to care ourselves. It is ok to say "i cant do it" and look for professional help, be it at home or in a residential environment.

My grandfather spent his last 18 months in a care home and we were very careful to find the right place for him. The care home gave him a quality of life and dignity that we couldn't possibly have done ourselves. The care staff were amazing, it wasn't just a job for them, it was a vocation.

When grandad passed away several care staff came to his funeral and shed just as many tears as we did."

I am always moved when I see how fond some of the staff are about my mother. One person left but still goes back to visit her.

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"I cared for my dad for five years which was hard,now i care for mum and yes its hard as she has had a spinal stroke and can no longer walk,i refuse to put her in a home,shes staying with me."

And that's your choice for your own reasons. Good luck with it.

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"I am facing this decision right now. With two siblings who will not share any of the caring and left down to me I'm finding it too much now. It's like I'm a prisoner in the house. Social services are slow at sorting out caters to come and help me and I'm struggling to find people who will sit with mum so I can have a short break if only one afternoon a week just to have me time. But because I'm considering putting her into care all of a sudden I'm the bad person. How do you work that one out, I was the one who gave up a good job, a relationship my home sacrificed family time with my child to care full time for mum. I just want a life now and to live a little but I'm the bad person,"

You're not a bad person. Older people now live longer than ever. Caring might have been a short term commitment once but now it can be a lifetime commitment.

I hope you get some help. I remember how hard that phase was but, luckily for us, social services moved relatively quickly.

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"I am facing this decision right now. With two siblings who will not share any of the caring and left down to me I'm finding it too much now. It's like I'm a prisoner in the house. Social services are slow at sorting out caters to come and help me and I'm struggling to find people who will sit with mum so I can have a short break if only one afternoon a week just to have me time. But because I'm considering putting her into care all of a sudden I'm the bad person. How do you work that one out, I was the one who gave up a good job, a relationship my home sacrificed family time with my child to care full time for mum. I just want a life now and to live a little but I'm the bad person,

My siblings are the same. I care for my mum although her needs are not too complex yet. Because i am the only one who isn't married or have children i had to sacrifice my life while they just get on with theirs. All they do is criticize and complain about how i look after mum and expect me to wait on them if they deign to visit. It is the cause of arguments between us now but unless they are prepared to step up and do their fair share they can fuck off

"

I hope you can all heal your relationships in time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am a carer and a lot of the time I'm exhausted by the time I leave the call after 30 mins never mind looking after someone 24/7. So no I don't think your the bad person x

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"i work in a specialist care home for very severe dementia sufferers - alongside people brain injury and emi - the families are often at the end of their tethers and they have had to fight for funding/places/ all sorts of help for their family member - some residents require 3 or 4 members of staff to do basic personal care and those that say they will do it themselves whatever might just change their minds when their parent is so upset that they fight against anything and everything - hate to use the word aggression even though that is how it might appear - its more fear

"

Thank you for committing to this important job. I appreciate the work you do.

My mother ran at me with scissors, bit me, hit me and fought all the way. She still does sometimes but it's less now that her mobility is going.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The thread on having children has a comment on putting parents into care, or not. Rather than hijack that one I'm starting this.

I put my mother into care and I'm unapologetic about it. Looking after someone with violent dementia almost killed me and I wasn't doing it as primary carer! My earnings dropped by 70% and sorting out who did what when took up time and energy none of us and led to arguments.

Yet making this sensible choice as a family means getting slated as selfish and uncaring. As the child without children I am told I have failed in my duty as a daughter and should repay the (perceived) sacrifices my mother made for me.

This is said by people who have no idea what my mother was like as a mother to me who also assume that we can all afford to give up work and would willingly sacrifice protecting our sanity and ability to have a retirement.

Those who do make the sacrifice do it for their own reasons. I applaud them for doing what they consider is right. They get sympathy, praise and undoubtedly they save us tax payers money.

Why the judgements either way?"

You're spot on about perceived sacrifices and others not knowing what your mother was actually like as a parent. If I repaid my parents their due, I'd get arrested. It's best they get care from the state.

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By *yldstyleWoman
over a year ago

A world of my own

Until someone walks in your shoes they can not pass comment. Even then its no more than hot air. You are you and they are them.

I put my mum into sheltered housing.I'm an only child and don't feel I should justify that to anyone. I used to. I used to get the "what a terrible daughter" looks and patronising chats from health care staff. Infact at times I still do. I used to spend hours trying to explain my life to complete strangers as well as so called friends or even family. I no longer do it. I'm not cold hearted. I'm just realistic.

Had it been my gran I'd have made different decisions.I'd have nursed her and done anything for her. Had my dad outlived my mum, again I'd have made different choices.

Its all individual. I never asked for the responsibility of my mother. I never volunteered.it was just assumed and I resent that greatly.

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"I have made it clear to all my parents that if there comes a time when residential care is needed then they shall go. I shall ensure it meets there needs, is clean with good staff etc..

Physically I will not be of much use to them so it will be best for them. I refuse to be made to feel guilty for that decision.

None of them are 60 yet & I've told them to live their lives now, go everywhere they want & spend their money. "

Mine did exactly that. They had a glorious retirement gallivanting across the globe at least twice a year. My Dad still does this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Most care agencies have a befriending service so that their clients can be supervised to enable a relative to have a break. Sadly many respite centres have closed or,the waiting list is endless so carers cannot get a break.

As with other posters some siblings steer clear of helping other siblings with care due to selfishness,distance,past quarrels etc so the demands of anyone with a disability,dementia,terminal illness can be over powering when left to just one person.

People need support 24/7 and once that out of hours answerphone kicks in then omg' it results in round the houses phone calls for any kind of help.

When help is available especially medical help out of hours then there's usually a long wait for your visit. No way on this earth should anyone feel guilty for arranging a care home placement (if' one is available or affordable).

Quality of life can continue in appropriate surroundings and you can expect quality time with your relative instead of your life being turned upside down socially and financially.

My thoughts are with anyone in this position. xx

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"I am a carer and a lot of the time I'm exhausted by the time I leave the call after 30 mins never mind looking after someone 24/7. So no I don't think your the bad person x"

Thank you for your work and for your sentiments. I don't think I'm a bad person either. I know if I had continued she'd still be alive but I would have died.

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"The thread on having children has a comment on putting parents into care, or not. Rather than hijack that one I'm starting this.

I put my mother into care and I'm unapologetic about it. Looking after someone with violent dementia almost killed me and I wasn't doing it as primary carer! My earnings dropped by 70% and sorting out who did what when took up time and energy none of us and led to arguments.

Yet making this sensible choice as a family means getting slated as selfish and uncaring. As the child without children I am told I have failed in my duty as a daughter and should repay the (perceived) sacrifices my mother made for me.

This is said by people who have no idea what my mother was like as a mother to me who also assume that we can all afford to give up work and would willingly sacrifice protecting our sanity and ability to have a retirement.

Those who do make the sacrifice do it for their own reasons. I applaud them for doing what they consider is right. They get sympathy, praise and undoubtedly they save us tax payers money.

Why the judgements either way?

You're spot on about perceived sacrifices and others not knowing what your mother was actually like as a parent. If I repaid my parents their due, I'd get arrested. It's best they get care from the state."

We don't get a choice about our parents or the parenting we receive. This we do have a choice over.

I hope you have healed.

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"Until someone walks in your shoes they can not pass comment. Even then its no more than hot air. You are you and they are them.

I put my mum into sheltered housing.I'm an only child and don't feel I should justify that to anyone. I used to. I used to get the "what a terrible daughter" looks and patronising chats from health care staff. Infact at times I still do. I used to spend hours trying to explain my life to complete strangers as well as so called friends or even family. I no longer do it. I'm not cold hearted. I'm just realistic.

Had it been my gran I'd have made different decisions.I'd have nursed her and done anything for her. Had my dad outlived my mum, again I'd have made different choices.

Its all individual. I never asked for the responsibility of my mother. I never volunteered.it was just assumed and I resent that greatly. "

Living with resentment poisons everything.

Sheltered housing is great in most places. Some of the ones I have visited (professionally and when I put a relative in one) have so many social activities going on there's no time for yourself. The one my relative was living in was a bit of a hotbed of sauciness too. They were all at it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm quite lucky as both my parents put their parents into a retirement/nursing home so they know if need be that's what will happen to them.

Both sets of my my grandparents were well looked after and got daily visits from family members.

In my grandmothers case she had a better time of it in the home as she had more company there than ten story's up in her flat.

Mrs P's side of the family might be more difficult though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some can care for family some cant,i think it depends on the persons illness or the amount of care they need,or of course the relationship you have with the family member,i choose to look after my mum,she hates being the way she is,and hates that i do everything for her,its very hard work and emotionaly draining.I am lucky enough to have a wonderful mother she is and has been a fantastic mother,not everyone is the same and if parents have to go into homes then people have their reasons,and I'm not against anyone who has to do this,when my mum gets down she says herself put me in a home but i know she dosent mean it,her mind is strong but her body isnt ,i have three brothers but they hardly visit but do phone,i just carry on regardless with or without their help,but sometimes it seems she had one child not four.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not read all the topic but as a carer from time to time i know how hard it is.

Really bothers me that when someone isn't coping with something and they then make the best choices for that person who they are caring for that other people think they should not do that. Like you're supposed to continue to not cope but find a way to cope when you've alread tried to do this.

It's the same for adoption. People say those giving up their kid for adoption are selfish but if that's the best option for the child then is it really so selfish?

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"I'm quite lucky as both my parents put their parents into a retirement/nursing home so they know if need be that's what will happen to them.

Both sets of my my grandparents were well looked after and got daily visits from family members.

In my grandmothers case she had a better time of it in the home as she had more company there than ten story's up in her flat.

Mrs P's side of the family might be more difficult though. "

Put them all in as a job lot? (Tongue in cheek for those that won't get this.)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mum would have had to gone into a nursing / residental care home as my Dad simply couldn't have coped with her condition at home.

Before anyone asks how do you know until you try ~ well I do know as I tried & failed to meet her basic human needs 'toping up' her care during her last 6 months in / out of hospital. Financially it wasn't viable for me to quit my job & my house wasn't large enough to accommodate both parents, a hospital bed / hoist / camode etc etc etc.

I admire people who can look after their relatives but I also admire those who are faced with incredibly hard decisions to make & then are forced in some cases to justify their reasonings.

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"Not read all the topic but as a carer from time to time i know how hard it is.

Really bothers me that when someone isn't coping with something and they then make the best choices for that person who they are caring for that other people think they should not do that. Like you're supposed to continue to not cope but find a way to cope when you've alread tried to do this.

It's the same for adoption. People say those giving up their kid for adoption are selfish but if that's the best option for the child then is it really so selfish?"

I'd rather a child be put up for adoption than be subject to definite neglect or abuse.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The thread on having children has a comment on putting parents into care, or not. Rather than hijack that one I'm starting this.

I put my mother into care and I'm unapologetic about it. Looking after someone with violent dementia almost killed me and I wasn't doing it as primary carer! My earnings dropped by 70% and sorting out who did what when took up time and energy none of us and led to arguments.

Yet making this sensible choice as a family means getting slated as selfish and uncaring. As the child without children I am told I have failed in my duty as a daughter and should repay the (perceived) sacrifices my mother made for me.

This is said by people who have no idea what my mother was like as a mother to me who also assume that we can all afford to give up work and would willingly sacrifice protecting our sanity and ability to have a retirement.

Those who do make the sacrifice do it for their own reasons. I applaud them for doing what they consider is right. They get sympathy, praise and undoubtedly they save us tax payers money.

Why the judgements either way?

You're spot on about perceived sacrifices and others not knowing what your mother was actually like as a parent. If I repaid my parents their due, I'd get arrested. It's best they get care from the state.

We don't get a choice about our parents or the parenting we receive. This we do have a choice over.

I hope you have healed.

"

I have, thank you. My fear is that my mental health would take a beating if I was foolish enough to take on the burden of carer. I wouldn't actually repay them their dues as I had implied, it's more of a case that my heart, strength and time are for those who appear to deserve it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The thread on having children has a comment on putting parents into care, or not. Rather than hijack that one I'm starting this.

I put my mother into care and I'm unapologetic about it. Looking after someone with violent dementia almost killed me and I wasn't doing it as primary carer! My earnings dropped by 70% and sorting out who did what when took up time and energy none of us and led to arguments.

Yet making this sensible choice as a family means getting slated as selfish and uncaring. As the child without children I am told I have failed in my duty as a daughter and should repay the (perceived) sacrifices my mother made for me.

This is said by people who have no idea what my mother was like as a mother to me who also assume that we can all afford to give up work and would willingly sacrifice protecting our sanity and ability to have a retirement.

Those who do make the sacrifice do it for their own reasons. I applaud them for doing what they consider is right. They get sympathy, praise and undoubtedly they save us tax payers money.

Why the judgements either way?"

My heart goes out to you. I have my grandmother in a rest home as she suffers with dementia and I was her carer before a family desicion to do this. It's a tough choice and she became a challenge for me. My mum seeing me upset and drained from the day to day care of looking after her.

At the end of the day you know your limits of how much you can do and what you can cope with and it sounds like you've done a great job already and had it tough. She'll be well looked after by people trained to the job. Don't let others get you down...

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"Why the judgements either way?

You're spot on about perceived sacrifices and others not knowing what your mother was actually like as a parent. If I repaid my parents their due, I'd get arrested. It's best they get care from the state.

We don't get a choice about our parents or the parenting we receive. This we do have a choice over.

I hope you have healed.

I have, thank you. My fear is that my mental health would take a beating if I was foolish enough to take on the burden of carer. I wouldn't actually repay them their dues as I had implied, it's more of a case that my heart, strength and time are for those who appear to deserve it."

I understand that. My mental health suffered to the point I was ready to die.

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"The thread on having children has a comment on putting parents into care, or not. Rather than hijack that one I'm starting this.

I put my mother into care and I'm unapologetic about it. Looking after someone with violent dementia almost killed me and I wasn't doing it as primary carer! My earnings dropped by 70% and sorting out who did what when took up time and energy none of us and led to arguments.

Yet making this sensible choice as a family means getting slated as selfish and uncaring. As the child without children I am told I have failed in my duty as a daughter and should repay the (perceived) sacrifices my mother made for me.

This is said by people who have no idea what my mother was like as a mother to me who also assume that we can all afford to give up work and would willingly sacrifice protecting our sanity and ability to have a retirement.

Those who do make the sacrifice do it for their own reasons. I applaud them for doing what they consider is right. They get sympathy, praise and undoubtedly they save us tax payers money.

Why the judgements either way?

My heart goes out to you. I have my grandmother in a rest home as she suffers with dementia and I was her carer before a family desicion to do this. It's a tough choice and she became a challenge for me. My mum seeing me upset and drained from the day to day care of looking after her.

At the end of the day you know your limits of how much you can do and what you can cope with and it sounds like you've done a great job already and had it tough. She'll be well looked after by people trained to the job. Don't let others get you down..."

They don't.

The post was from my perspective as that is the the experience I have. It was supposed to be more about the judgments made about people whatever choice they make.

You tried with your grandmother and it sounds like your mother stepped in to save you. Good for her.

I have a friend who wasn't so lucky and ended up with the care of both grandmothers and her parents expecting it of her. One grandmother died and not one person in her family acknowledged the work she had put in. She had to sort out the probate too, with nothing left for her in the will and relatives in the US demanding when they were going to receive their share. She's still looking after the other one and can expect the same again when that one eventually dies.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why the judgements either way?

You're spot on about perceived sacrifices and others not knowing what your mother was actually like as a parent. If I repaid my parents their due, I'd get arrested. It's best they get care from the state.

We don't get a choice about our parents or the parenting we receive. This we do have a choice over.

I hope you have healed.

I have, thank you. My fear is that my mental health would take a beating if I was foolish enough to take on the burden of carer. I wouldn't actually repay them their dues as I had implied, it's more of a case that my heart, strength and time are for those who appear to deserve it.

I understand that. My mental health suffered to the point I was ready to die.

"

I've been the professional who has tried to emotionally support carers who have resorted to the vulnerable child at this awful time. And to those who simply need acknowledgment that they are trying their best but need further assistance.

No-one should become a martyr no matter their background.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Not read all the topic but as a carer from time to time i know how hard it is.

Really bothers me that when someone isn't coping with something and they then make the best choices for that person who they are caring for that other people think they should not do that. Like you're supposed to continue to not cope but find a way to cope when you've alread tried to do this.

It's the same for adoption. People say those giving up their kid for adoption are selfish but if that's the best option for the child then is it really so selfish?

I'd rather a child be put up for adoption than be subject to definite neglect or abuse.

"

Same here. And if you can't cope i don't see why anyone should think it's ok to force you to. It's the same for caring for anyone.

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By *om and JennieCouple
over a year ago

Chams or Socials


"I have made it clear to all my parents that if there comes a time when residential care is needed then they shall go. I shall ensure it meets there needs, is clean with good staff etc..

Physically I will not be of much use to them so it will be best for them. I refuse to be made to feel guilty for that decision.

None of them are 60 yet & I've told them to live their lives now, go everywhere they want & spend their money.

Mine did exactly that. They had a glorious retirement gallivanting across the globe at least twice a year. My Dad still does this.

"

That's my dream for mine - my dad & Stepmum are rapidly covering Scotland & The Isles & I love hearing about it. My great uncle had just moved from sheltered accommodation to residential care & he's being well cared for with all his needs met. He's not so anti-social either now.

It's a heartbreaking decision & 1 I know will be left until it becomes too dangerous for me to carry on.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"The thread on having children has a comment on putting parents into care, or not. Rather than hijack that one I'm starting this.

I put my mother into care and I'm unapologetic about it. Looking after someone with violent dementia almost killed me and I wasn't doing it as primary carer! My earnings dropped by 70% and sorting out who did what when took up time and energy none of us and led to arguments.

Yet making this sensible choice as a family means getting slated as selfish and uncaring. As the child without children I am told I have failed in my duty as a daughter and should repay the (perceived) sacrifices my mother made for me.

This is said by people who have no idea what my mother was like as a mother to me who also assume that we can all afford to give up work and would willingly sacrifice protecting our sanity and ability to have a retirement.

Those who do make the sacrifice do it for their own reasons. I applaud them for doing what they consider is right. They get sympathy, praise and undoubtedly they save us tax payers money.

Why the judgements either way?"

You'd get no judgment from us. If the time comes and I can see it on the horizon I will arrange a care home for my parents with no regret, being cared for at home by relatives isn't always best for anyone involved.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have 3 kids and if there ever comes a time that I can't take care of myself, I'd expect them to put me into care and don't want them doing it.

The comment made about owing the sacrafices your parents made is a guilt trip. When I became pg with my first, we were only a month into our relationship so I had to seriously consider my choices. I chose to become a mum and gave Mrb the choice to stay or walk away (19 yrs later he's still here). Anyway, I chose to make sacrafices for my daughter and our other 2 when they came along. As far as I'm concerned its all part of the job and they don't owe me anything. Life is full of choices, but by them making choices and sticking by those choices regardless of what others think gives me the satisfaction of knowing I've done my job as a parent and taught them to be there own person and not follow the crowd.

I'm sure your mum is proud of the woman you are today so don't let others bring you down x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We had to put my grandmother into nursing care, we cared for her for 3 years but couldn't give her the care she needed. She was safer and happier in a home, if she was still here and hadn't developed dementia, she'd agree with that sentiment. No one should judge others on it, if they haven't lived through it. We aren't all born carers, and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

I regained my granddaughter/ grandmother relationship when she was in a home. Before that I had become a carer. I'm glad I had the opportunity to regain that with my Nan. She was a lovely lady who I lost not long ago and miss greatly.

Sarah

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"I have 3 kids and if there ever comes a time that I can't take care of myself, I'd expect them to put me into care and don't want them doing it.

The comment made about owing the sacrafices your parents made is a guilt trip. When I became pg with my first, we were only a month into our relationship so I had to seriously consider my choices. I chose to become a mum and gave Mrb the choice to stay or walk away (19 yrs later he's still here). Anyway, I chose to make sacrafices for my daughter and our other 2 when they came along. As far as I'm concerned its all part of the job and they don't owe me anything. Life is full of choices, but by them making choices and sticking by those choices regardless of what others think gives me the satisfaction of knowing I've done my job as a parent and taught them to be there own person and not follow the crowd.

I'm sure your mum is proud of the woman you are today so don't let others bring you down x

"

They don't bring me down and my mother rarely knows who I am, but that is also fine and often better that way.

Enjoy your children being true to themselves.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The idea that parents sacrifice their lives for their children really pisses me off. People have children because they choose to. Children shouldn't have to be grateful for being looked after properly, or made to feel guilty for the supposed 'sacrifices' their parents made for them. My children are not an extension of myself. It's a privelage to have them and they owe me nothing other than the respect any human deserves (unless they prove themselves unworthy). If I require care in my elderly years I would never expect my kids to provide it. If they chose to help out then fair enough but it isn't their duty.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Not read all the topic but as a carer from time to time i know how hard it is.

Really bothers me that when someone isn't coping with something and they then make the best choices for that person who they are caring for that other people think they should not do that. Like you're supposed to continue to not cope but find a way to cope when you've alread tried to do this.

It's the same for adoption. People say those giving up their kid for adoption are selfish but if that's the best option for the child then is it really so selfish?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The idea that parents sacrifice their lives for their children really pisses me off. People have children because they choose to. Children shouldn't have to be grateful for being looked after properly, or made to feel guilty for the supposed 'sacrifices' their parents made for them. My children are not an extension of myself. It's a privelage to have them and they owe me nothing other than the respect any human deserves (unless they prove themselves unworthy). If I require care in my elderly years I would never expect my kids to provide it. If they chose to help out then fair enough but it isn't their duty."

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By *ord Willy McFuck-BucketMan
over a year ago

newcastle

Just read all this and was thinking not many men posted is it always assumed that the daughters should be the ones left with the hard decisions?

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"Just read all this and was thinking not many men posted is it always assumed that the daughters should be the ones left with the hard decisions?"

I think if there are daughters and sons then it is assumed it will be the daughters. There are a few men on the forum who have posted about being the primary carer for their elderly parents.

I see very few men visiting their relatives when I go and see my mother in the home.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Just read all this and was thinking not many men posted is it always assumed that the daughters should be the ones left with the hard decisions?"

There were no men in our family as in all daughters/grand daughters. I know men who have had to make the decision in their family though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Just read all this and was thinking not many men posted is it always assumed that the daughters should be the ones left with the hard decisions?"

I think it is, yes. I've seen a few situations where the daughter-in-law is lumbered with the responsibility of her husband's parents too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 13/08/16 18:53:26]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As long as you did your best I shouldn't worry about what we or anyone else for that matter thinks. Good luck xxx

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By *ady4ladyWoman
over a year ago

liverpool

Just read this and nodded all the way through. Sending a big hug to the OP. xx

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"Just read this and nodded all the way through. Sending a big hug to the OP. xx"

Thanks, it's not needed on this for me but some do as they are facing these decisions and dealing with a largely hostile set of assumptions if they choose to put their parents into care.

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By *elson61Man
over a year ago

WELWYN GARDEN CITY

I just read your thread on the forum, and I know how you must have been feeling when you made such a decision. My father also had violent dementia and my mum was hiding so much from us, but eventually we had no choice but to place Dad into a nursing home. We were fortunate that the whole family were united and there was no disagreement. Mum was not physically up to it and it proved over time to be the right thing to do.

The worst thing about it was dealing with the NHS and social services about who funded Dad's care. Both bodies were a nightmare to deal with and it got very nasty at times. I certainly gained a lot of knowledge about the system, as well as dealing with so called health care professionals who were anything but.

I hope it all works out for you with your mum. Stay strong, you have done the right thing.

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By *icketysplits OP   Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"I just read your thread on the forum, and I know how you must have been feeling when you made such a decision. My father also had violent dementia and my mum was hiding so much from us, but eventually we had no choice but to place Dad into a nursing home. We were fortunate that the whole family were united and there was no disagreement. Mum was not physically up to it and it proved over time to be the right thing to do.

The worst thing about it was dealing with the NHS and social services about who funded Dad's care. Both bodies were a nightmare to deal with and it got very nasty at times. I certainly gained a lot of knowledge about the system, as well as dealing with so called health care professionals who were anything but.

I hope it all works out for you with your mum. Stay strong, you have done the right thing."

Good luck with your mother now.

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By *elson61Man
over a year ago

WELWYN GARDEN CITY


"I just read your thread on the forum, and I know how you must have been feeling when you made such a decision. My father also had violent dementia and my mum was hiding so much from us, but eventually we had no choice but to place Dad into a nursing home. We were fortunate that the whole family were united and there was no disagreement. Mum was not physically up to it and it proved over time to be the right thing to do.

The worst thing about it was dealing with the NHS and social services about who funded Dad's care. Both bodies were a nightmare to deal with and it got very nasty at times. I certainly gained a lot of knowledge about the system, as well as dealing with so called health care professionals who were anything but.

I hope it all works out for you with your mum. Stay strong, you have done the right thing.

Good luck with your mother now.

"

Thank you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's where they belong. Should've done it ages ago!!

I'm only joking. Can't be easy no matter what age they are. Especially with the likes of dementia and such like involved. Then you hope they're properly looked after.

Whoever's gone or going through it I hope it all works out.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I work in a care home which the residents all have dementia......they are at all different stages and each need different levels of care...no 2 days are the same and if people could actually see how difficult it is and how someone can literally change overnight or snap and be violent in a blink of an eye......it takes the patience of a saint to sit with someone who has no clue how they are..what they are doing there and why something is happening.....I have have had cracked ribs..black eyes and fat lips from these loving wonderful people who just and moments of their lives where lashing out is just a side effect of their dementia...I don't work full time and take my hat off to my colleagues that do never mind looking after a parent 24/7.....let people say and think what they like and do what's best for you and your family....you know them better than anyone else...if they don't like it fuckem x

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